coloring outside the lines...

It is definitely a lazy start to the day.  I am so thankful for the ability to enjoy these kind of moments. Sitting here watching the sun slowly peak above the horizon only slightly muted by the fluffy clouds passing by.  I have been awake for over an hour, I have spent all of it curled in my comfy chair, sipping my coffee and enjoying time simply talking with the Hubs in front of the beautiful fire that greeted me when I came downstairs.  My brain and my hands have been still, no projects happening, no planning going on.  It's perfect. 

I'm slowly waking up to the day, slowly taking inventory or what is going on in my world and deciding what I truly want to do. Yesterday, I was deeply involved in my knitting.  It was simply flowing, I couldn't believe the progress I was making and while I was knitting I was listening to a variety of podcasts, just like I do all the time.  

One of them really resonated with me.  The guest on the podcast was talking about the changes he has experienced in his life since he decided to own his own box of colors and color his life the way he wants it to be.  Basically, he was describing the power of making your own choices and your own decisions.  Not following the color-by-number that society would like all of us to follow.  By choosing the uncomfortable, the different. 

Listening to him, I felt such a strong connection to his words and thoughts.  It was like he was literally speaking my thoughts to life. I've never been great at following that color-by-number chart for life, and I believe it has often led me to feel like less than, like I simply didn't fit anywhere.  For my entire life I have been that outsider, the person on the fringe.  For a really long time it made me super insecure and truthfully I felt a bit lost.  I always felt like I was doing something wrong because I simply couldn't put the yellow in the yellow box when it didn't match my feelings. 

Over the years I have slowly become far more confident in choosing my own colors.  In picking that vibrant red instead of the muted rose.  I am okay with who I am.  I know that I don't fit societies mold, I refuse to march to the standardized drummer and try to fit in.  I am very much aware that I do not fit into group think and a herd mentality is not something I can flow with. 

I am definitely blossoming into that artist that isn't afraid to be myself. I'm not going to be mad at you if you and I don't see the world in the same color scheme.  I am going to encourage you to keep picking up the colors that fulfill your soul. I will encourage you to put aside the standard issue box of colors and find one that is far more suited to who you are.  

Are you a blue fan?  Or does your soul reach for Azure?  Plain green or is a vibrant lime or rich juniper more your speed.  Have you really thought about your personal color palette and not in terms of clothing or home decor?  Have you ever really dug deep into who you are in your very soul? I tend to gravitate to brilliant and rich colors when I think about mine.  The colors that fill me with joy and energy.  The richness of a deep velvety brown just gives me so much comfort. 

No this isn't a lesson in colors, nor is it a lesson in home decoration or defining your "season" (remember when that was all the rage?  Never did figure mine out), it is a conversation about you as a person.  I believe the color analogy spoke to me so deeply because I am a very creative person. But it could be truly about anything that makes you think.  He could have been talking about spices, fishing lures, types of wood... hmmm guess I am still on things that would resonate with me. 

For me the point was that when I was finally able to feel comfortable in not fitting in to the mold, is when I was finally able to truly start expressing myself.  When I started to feel at peace with my life.  I definitely do not believe that we were ever meant to think, feel, do or speak the same, what a boring world.  I do believe that we are meant to have grace and love for each persons individuality.  To give the differences consideration and to figure out how it will blend into our own thoughts and ideals.  And when it doesn't, when there is a solid line that it doesn't flow and blend into accept that together we make a beautiful batik without having to destroy either color.  Both ideals and thoughts can exist together, they can create a beautiful flow until someone decides that the other person is 100% wrong because they don't want to be absorbed into the darkness of same. 

There was a time that I completely bought into trying to force myself to be part of the collective.  To fit into a mold, even if it hurt.  Even if it caused me anxiety, angst and even anger.  I was determined to be what everyone else seemed to want. 

Stepping back and watching, observing, being allowed (thank you Hubs) to be my own quirky, odd, unusual self. I have discovered I can't do that.  I am unique.  All of us are.  I don't want to convert anyone into being me, I want to celebrate you for being you, I want you to do the same for me. 

When I observe things that are written, said, acted out with the intention to use peer pressure and flat our meanness to change someone it hurts my heart.  There is a lot of that going on right now.  I firmly believe the people that are pushing the hardest for group think are the ones that are still afraid to grab their own crayons and color their own lives in the way that fills them to the brink of joy.  

When you are busy coloring away, creating your own masterpiece you simply lose the desire to tell another person where their lines are and if they are staying within them.  You simply don't have the energy or time to waste on it. 

I have stepped out of that matrix.  I am coloring with my own box of colors.  Sometimes it will be messy and scribbling, in many ways I am still that child learning to control the crayon. In others it will be pristine and flowing filled with a beautiful blending of rich and vibrant oil colors because I have mastered the technique. At times I may chose to use a thick, broad sweeping black sharpie because those I lines I've learned no longer serve me and I don't chose to cross them again.  The watercolors may represent the haziness of future dreams, yet to materialize. 

I don't intend to ever own the standard crayon set again.  It doesn't mean I am walking away from loved ones and those around me that are still using that basic set.  That I don't value their choices. It simply means that I am so thankful to have found my personalized set of colors, to know that it is perfectly perfect to own and use them.  I understand that some may walk away from me because I refuse to cross back over into the basic set, that I cannot go back to group think and a standard structure.  Knowing I will always be that wonky old lady dressed all in blacks, grays or blues that wears silly, vibrant, fun shoes. Sometimes you have to look for that touch of self-expression to see us...

Let's create a beautiful tapestry together.  Let's have our colors meet, blend, collide and explode into pure perfection.  

love and peace...