the world is heavy...

My home smells like an exotic marketplace somewhere.  Visions of Aladdin are flowing through my mind.  Or the beautiful outdoor markets of my youth, Greece, Italy, France, Germany... all the beautiful smells are definitely taking me to warmer climates and softer days.  

The freshly ground rich smell of coffee is marrying with the star anise, cardamon pods, cinnamon and ginger.  Topped off by the smell of grapes from the jello.  The softness of clean linens providing the backdrop.  I should definitely start my day like this a bit more often.  

Outside the snow is still lingering.  Slowly receding from the warmth at the sides of the house.  The sky is dark and heavy, like it is whispering that more snow could be heading our way.  I wonder if that is a whisper or a threat. I'll take a threat, but I sure don't feel I need a promise.  We've got enough. Looking at the forecast, it appears we might even be in for a bit of a warm up, if you consider 40° a warm up.  I'll take it, these single digit's have been kicking my butt.  

The pups and I want to go for a long walk, we need some fresh air. It looks like it is on the way.  I'll just quickly send up a silent prayer at this moment.  A friend of mine keeps sharing the weather in Minot vs. here at home... gotta say I never thought I would be jealous of Minot, but here we are. 

Hubs had to go to work super early this morning.  We have a visitation to go to this afternoon, and he needs to get his eight. So the early morning found me fixing hot beverages and making lunch for him.   I figured I was on a roll so why not just keep rolling.  I can't believe I just gave Beau his 8 am meds and I am pretty much done with my morning chores.  Unbelievable. It feels good to start the day off with a bang.  Guess that is why I always loved the early morning shifts... the whole day is still stretched out before me and I feel energized to actually use it. 

Beau doesn't believe in personal space
Poor Belle is getting crowded

I've got something weighing on my mind that I am longing to talk out. Have you ever had something trigger your emotions?  Something make you feel out of control and angry without a clear reason why?  I try hard to not have that happen.  But every now and again, something small will light up that part of my brain.  That darn amygdala gets hijacked and pulling it back to center feels like it takes every bit of energy and strength you have.  

This weekend I had that happen.  It was innocent, but my brain went haywire.  My darn feelings were on fire and I didn't know how to respond.  It was a nothing thing.  Seriously.  But not inside my head. It felt like I was fighting against every slight, every pain, every emotion that I had ever experienced.  The rational side of me was pretty darn disgusted with the emotional side, let me tell you.  Like I said it was simply me taking something in a way that wasn't meant. 

I think we all have those moments.  Where something is presented to us, harmlessly, but in such a manner that it sets us off.  It makes us feel irrational and out of control.  Attacked. Hard to believe that a tiny bit of gray matter in the brain can cause those emotions, those feelings.  But... it does. 

I'm starting to feel like the global population are all fighting that battle with themselves.  And as they are struggling to get a grip on what they are feeling, they are starting to lash out. Working on ways to even the "score" that their brains are amplifying.

A friend of mine, someone I used to truly adore and respect has been traveling down that dark road for a bit now. I've silently watched the change in who they are as a person, saddened for the loss I've watched happen.  The other day they shared something on Facebook that was an easily verifiable falsehood, and written to cause hate and discontent.  It was for laughs - is how they posed it.  Reading it, reading the comments and their defense of it, made me ill.  Brought a sadness to me that I didn't quite expect.  Their defense of it was that it was funny, even if untrue and that made it okay. With absolutely no concern to the fact that is was a blatant lie and in this day and age people don't search for the truth when a lie makes them feel better about their own thoughts. Hmmm... wasn't that warned about in the Bible and other teachings?

In this powder keg of a world we are living in right now, stirring a hornets nest to calm your own emotions and justify them hardly seems prudent. 

Everywhere I turn I am seeing people reacting out of frustration and anger.  They are pushing those emotions on others instead of stepping back and calming themselves. Looking deeper to see what is causing them to be in a constant state of unease. I was listening to a podcast the other day, and the overarching theme was about how we seem to be locked in a constant struggle to be right, to be the victor, when what we really need is to splash around a lot of love.  

I can't say I disagree.  

I have been walking away from a lot of things and people that bring me anxiety and stress.  If you are a negative Nelly and only want to tear people down.  Sorry, we aren't going to continue being friends or even acquaintances. If I go to your business and you are ugly, well, I am not required to frequent your business.  This isn't something that has happened overnight, nor are the decisions something I am making irrationally.  I give grace, but I refuse to live with abuse in any form. 

Now, I realize that in a work situation or professional relationship, it isn't that easy.  And you can't exactly yell at someone telling them that their "style" is really hurting your working relationship.  I've been there.  I completely get that one.  It definitely feels like more and more "leaders" are not exactly leading anymore, they are attacking or dictating from on high.  I've watched managers berate people, put them down, cause them grief simply because they can. I've witnessed rudeness to peers and subordinates that makes my brain do flip flops trying to understand it all. 

I've watched the woman that leads the aqua therapy at the VA treat veterans in her care with a harsh and uncaring manner.  I can't even say bordering on rudeness, she is flat out horrible to them.  Not only are these men and women veterans that served their country thanklessly, they are also the reason that she has a job.  One for which she doesn't seem very grateful. 

My question is why?  What is triggering these actions.  The hatefulness is exhausting.  It keeps everyone in a state of defense and no one is communicating or working together.  Is that the plan?  To just divide us all on every level?  To keep our amygdala's in an constant state of hijack where we no longer have the ability to be civil and caring to one another?  Does that attitude make them feel better about themselves?  Are the people losing control of themselves even aware of the shotgun effect of their actions and words?  Do they care? 

I pray that I am not doing that to others.  I pray that when my amygdala gets hijacked that I am able to always step away and recenter myself.  This weekend, I knew it was entirely a me thing, I knew it was my past pains and hurts stepping forward to steal center stage.  Stupid.  Yes, an entirely human response. Once I was able to sort out why I reacted the way I did, I was able to move forward.  Sometimes innocent comments can cause those emotions.  How we react is the difference.  If I had exploded in anger or been petty, those would not have been appropriate and would have escalated a nothing into a something. 

It feels like a lot of people these days are escalating that nothing. And the something is getting uglier by the moment.  I'm watching things that literally break my heart.  People that I would have described as caring, honest, even nurturing are showing a side that is just plain gross.  People from another lifetime, people I respected, that inspired me.  I am watching them destroy others in a quest I can't understand.  Nothing in this world is worth anything if it has to have destruction of another to achieve it.  

I don't have answers.  Only observations that cause me to stop and ponder.  It's easier from the outside.  Most of what I am watching is heartbreaking. I truly have no solutions.  Only questions. 

I will keep doing my best to offer hope, love, encouragement.  I don't want to fight someone else's amygdala.  Heck I have enough trouble keeping my own in check. A very long time ago I was assigned to read a book "Switch: How to change when change is hard" by Chip Heath. I only vaguely paid attention, because honestly I hate being assigned to do just about anything.  The bits I did read really stuck with me, and I should probably revisit it, because I think it is valuable, especially in this time we are living in, in a way I didn't understand back then. Says the woman that just dug out her Nook and put it on charge - hopefully it still works it's been in the cupboard for years....

Wow, I have definitely rattled on today, I am guessing things are making me a bit frazzled around the edges and I'm not in the thick of it. I'm going to continue doing the best I can to help everyone around me get into a calmer spot, a slower space.  I'm going to continue to encourage everyone to step back.  Shut off the television, the computer, the phone.  Remember the 80's and before.  Go outside, breath fresh air (okay now I know I'm frazzled) and simply be.  Smell some spices. Dig into some of those granny/grandpa skills and hobbies, and if you've forgotten them, maybe it's time to get back in touch with them.  Remind yourself... 

The laundry is wrapping up, there are a few more chores to deal with and then I intend to focus in on things that will get us closer to plan. What does your day look like, how are you reconnecting? 

much love, 

b

we needed it...

Anyone else love the smell of the air when it's rained?  Or for that matter anyone else thankful to wake up to smell of rain? It's been so dry here, I was starting to be wonder if I should even bother with a garden. The leaves dripping wet and the puddles everywhere, filled my spirit! I'm not going to say that I feel overly confident yet, but it was a wonderful way to wake up.  

That was until I looked at what had happened overnight.  I'm praying for all the lives lost and harmed in Baltimore.  I'd had a restless night and literally woke up a the same time they are saying the bridge was struck.  That made it all feel a bit more disconcerting as I read about it. 

This world of ours is definitely going through some kind of birthing pains.  It feels like everywhere you turn is more insanity, people are so wound up and aggressive. It feels like a powder keg. Sad. Probably why I have decided to step back and witness it from afar.  I am struggling to feel any desire to engage.  I don't want to look for the person holding the match.  I don't want to see anymore hatred. 

I was dumbstruck when I saw the video on X of the two young ladies fighting (well, if you can call what that was a fight) just outside of the Hazelwood school.  That is localish for me, same metro area, I'm well aware of where it is.  Seeing a young person having their head smashed into the ground until they began having seizures, I wasn't expecting it and definitely blocked the video after the first time.  I was sickened to see so many watching, recording and cheering it on.  To hear that they were 15 and 16 years old.  I almost threw up. That is younger than my precious mini-me grand, I can't fathom that kind of anger and hatred in ones so young. The damage done to our kids and our communities is outrageous. Two young people had their lives changed forever that day.  I'd hazard a guess that a lot of those witnesses did as well.  How can you go back to your everyday normal after witnessing something so evil?

Hubs called me to chat while driving this morning, it sounded so stressful.  People honking, his anger at almost being hit a few times.  Him relaying to me about the woman that almost struck a light post (I think that is what she almost hit) he was a bit rattled as he was witnessing it first hand.  She rapidly swerved back into traffic as she over corrected to avoid it.  I simply do not understand what kind of energy is overwhelming people. Whatever it is, it is 100% powerful. 

I don't find myself stressed too often anymore. I'm unbelievably thankful for that. It probably has more to do with the fact that I don't engage in the chaos surrounding me.  Whatever the reason, I am thankful.

I was supposed to help a friend with a few projects this morning, but one of her babies is sick.  So I found myself with a bit of extra time.  Needless to say, I am finding lots of things to fill that time.  I'm getting ready to bake Hubs a batch of cookies and then it's time to work on the needlework project I am trying to finish.  I never made it to the sewing room yesterday.  I picked it up, for a few moments - at least that is what I told myself, put on a few of the vlogs I wanted to listen to and before long... it was time for the Hubs to head home.  Unbelievable how quickly time can move forward.

Well cookies need baked (peanut butter), I'll make myself a quick lunch, then I want to work on my project.  I finished my daily tasks and Hubs has a working lunch, which means hours stretch before me.  

If you haven't already, please find a moment to pray for this world (in whatever manner you pray).  For the folks in Baltimore and for all of those that are struggling or hurting.  Life is too short to miss any opportunities to love one another in every way possible. 

love and prayers... b

 

enough...

I've been sitting here trying to decide if I am going to write or not.  I'm in a very dark and fed up mood right now.  And I am sure that some of what I am going to write is going to tick off some folks.  In fact I'm positive it will.  So... do I write it?  Or do I continue to let it boil inside me and ruin my day?  

I write for myself, I am going to continue in that vein.  If I hurt your feelings or sensibilities, I'm sorry.  I am beyond fed up.  

Hubs has had a headache for about a week.  It's been one of those that acetaminophen won't touch.  He's tried allergy meds feeling like that might be the problem, I mean every allergen known is running wild right now.  That didn't help either. He has a history of sinus infections, so it wasn't a huge stretch after eliminating the rest of it, to feel that was probably the problem.  

At about the seven day mark, I suggested it might be time to get a doctors appointment.  After spending the majority of the day yesterday trying to schedule one, he was finally informed that the only appointment he could have was virtual.  I mean he might have the vid after all.  Excuse me? 

My temper is off the charts right now.  He has absolutely no symptoms of the vid, he even took one of those "tests", but can't be seen in person.  Nope, not allowed, but hey pay your $25 co-pay and we will schedule you for a video meeting with the nurse practitioner. 

So... let's see if I get this straight, you can't examine him physically.  You can't check his blood pressure, you are taking his word for his weight (when you prescribe him medications - isn't accuracy kind of important there?) and you are going to provide this service? Wait, did I actually use the word service?

No, I'm sorry this isn't service, nor is this practicing medicine.  This is just a further example of our sick care that we are stupid enough to call healthcare. Does the grocery store clerk get to say call it in? How about the gas station attendant?  The trash-man?  The person working at your local fitness center or restaurant?  Just checking!

He received a call about 15 minutes before his "appointment" to get information. 

It went like this:

Nurse: You have an appointment this morning. Can you tell me why we are seeing you?

Hubs: Yes I have an appointment, about 9 days ago....

Nurse: (Interrupting)... did you take a covid test... 

Hubs: Yes

Nurse: When

Hubs: couple days ago

Nurse: are you vaccinated?

It continued on in this manner for a bit... The "nurse" never did listen to why he was being seen, couldn't have cared less evidently.  Then informed him to log on and go wait in the "virtual waiting room".  

You simply cannot make this up!!!  Stop it people, simply stop it! 

Twenty five minutes later, it appears you are correct and you do have a sinus infection.  I will send in a script for steroids and go buy all of these medications over the counter.  Seems you have a history of this. 

I'm sorry.  We paid for you to write a script based on his medical history?  Are you kidding me? 

I'm beyond fed up with what we are accepting as health care.  I'm over the pill pushing and the lack of true care.  I long for the days of doctors that would actually speak with you, examine you and then prescribe a medication based on knowledge, only if it was truly needed.  Not someone that types your symptoms into a computer and waits for it to tell them what you need, that is nothing but a glorified search engine.  And I have literally watched my doctor do that and when questioning about alternatives listened to "well, I don't have any first hand knowledge but this is what is recommended, and most people do well with it."

I am disgusted by how we are being treated.  How about looking at things a bit more holistic... oh wait... the drug lords won't get their money if they do that.  How about addressing all of the crap in our food, our environment, etc... how about that?

I saw a meme yesterday that saddened me to my very core.  It was a bunch of docs in lab coats, with "sponsors" on it.  Asking should they have to wear their sponsors like race car drivers do.  Absolutely!

Never in my life have I seen such a huge proliferation of medical facilities and so much of our society filled with sick and unhealthy people, doesn't it concern you? Why? Why is it that the people that I know that avoid medical facilities are the healthiest?  Think about it for a dang minute... PLEASE!  

I am so blessed to have been seen by a doctor that genuinely practiced health care when I needed my knee replaced.  If I had been seen by more doctors prior to that were all about genuine health care, I may never have reached the point of needing it replaced. But they weren't interested in my over all health, they were interested in putting chemicals of all sorts into my body.  Never addressing my need to become healthy. 

No one stopped to say, let's talk about diet, let's chat about exercise, let's talk about how to change these things and WHY.  Nope, it was take this pill, this shot, this injection... oh add this for inflammation, add this for pain, add that for... Not read this label and look for this, read that label and understand that it will harm you, walk 30 minutes a day, do these stretches to strengthen these muscles which will support... you get the picture. Not one of them prior took a moment to see the damage the counter acting medications were doing to my body, just prescribe, prescribe, prescribe....

Lately I've noticed a ton of advertisements, on literally every form of media I look at for medications, weight loss - drugs, etc.  It's a barrage. Since meeting my knee doctor, I have been in a very different mindset.  I have learned so many things that fly straight in the face of the approved narrative around healthcare. 

Today, was an even bigger tipping point for me. Today, it felt like my eyes were not simply opened, they were ripped open!  That nurse practitioner was nothing but a pill pusher.  She had zero first hand knowledge of anything, for pities sake she couldn't even take his temperature or blood pressure.  She accepted his self diagnosis and wrote a script. 

Because she is afraid of getting the vid?  I thought vaccines and masks worked?  I can't.  I simply can't. Our medical system is becoming an absolute joke.  And if you are a in that field, I'm sorry if you are offended and I am equally sure that at no point do you intend to do harm.  It isn't the people, they are all there for the purest of reasons - to care for people.  To ease illness and help. There are some areas of our medical system that are priceless and full of hope.  

It is the system that is broken. Not the people, not the compassion, the system.  It's how hospitals and "care" facilities are being managed, it's those administrators.  The ones that are hand in hand with the insurance companies.  It isn't those with compassion and love for their fellow man. 

I can't any more, I just can't. 

Please understand that I am not saying do away with doctors, hospitals or anything of the sort.  My own mother has had her life saved by hospitals, my great nephew is alive because of amazing doctors and surgeons, my Hubs and I both have benefited from amazing surgeons that took the oath of do no harm seriously.  

That isn't what I am saying at all.  What I am saying is that we need to look at "health" care differently.  We need to learn more, we need to not be pharmaceutical guinea pigs and piggy banks. 

If you are going to practice medicine, then dang well get your hands dirty, educate yourself beyond the standard texts, question methods and procedures and take care of people.  

Okay... I'm going to shut up, if I upset you... sorry... we are each entitled to think and feel for ourselves.  This is how I am thinking and feeling right now.  And this is not okay. 

love and peace...

rolling in...

So much going on lately makes no sense to me.  People are angry and full of hatred, driving on the streets is hectic and stressful. So much road rage and frustration.  We spent days away from it all, the small towns that we frequented were so different than the bigger city I live in.  We wandered aimlessly, in and out of small stores, we chatted with people and enjoyed our travels. 

Since being home there is so much discord everywhere we go.  People are not speaking to each other, they are fussy.  It feels like a pressure cooker.  I am not a fan of this current state of affairs. I already miss the peace of last week. 

Running errands today was stressful, we made the mistake of stopping in a Walmart, never my favorite, but we were short on time and it would be one stop.  Besides the Walmart down in the country was delightful, oh how quickly one forgets reality. 

I am not a fan of all the self-checkouts.  Nor do I love waiting for an extended period of time for someone to come over when it doesn't work right.  And the constant rearranging of the aisles is enough for insanity. It wore me out.  Finding five items (two of which they didn't have) and checking out took over an hour.  So very, very frustrating.  Listening to how unhappy everyone around me was... ugghhh...

I am questioning so many things right now.  But mostly I am taking a deep breath and stepping back.  I am finding the best way of dealing with the shifts in people is to literally step away.  I long to find myself walking in the sunshine on a trail far from the crabby chaos. 

I am listening to the sound of a storm trying to roll in, it's needed.  The air is charged with electricity, it's stale and humid.  It's also warm, it almost hit 80 today. All of those things signals an impending storm.  It might head south of us, but being under a tornado watch for the majority of the day definitely doesn't make the intensity in people any smoother. 

Sweet Hubs will return to work tomorrow, this has been the fastest week ever.  To see the look on his face tonight while we were at a party for a friends one year old grand-daughter when he realized it was Sunday night was heart-breaking.  He loves his job and his team, but precious time off seems to simply fly past.  His plate will be full tomorrow, it always is when you return from a week away. 

I will stay in my quiet bubble tomorrow.  Doing my chores, decompressing from the stress of angry people, and working on the quilt I was commissioned to do.  There is so much to accomplish and it will definitely be "that kind of Monday" here at the house.  Although, I am actually looking forward to catching up and getting organized.  

I have been so blessed to spend many wonderful hours with people that I love and care deeply about.  It's the strangers that can be so unkind that I don't understand.  While we were down on the Meramec there was a road rage incident here in town that made my blood run cold.  Two men in their early 70's actually pulled off the road to "discuss" things.  The end result... after what appeared to be a fist fight, one of them climbed into their car and used it as a weapon to run the other over several times.  Both of these men will spend the rest of their lives in less than ideal circumstances, one has a very long recovery that will no doubt result in pain for the remainder of his life, the other is most likely prison bound.  

I can't believe it is the full moon causing this insanity, it didn't just occur.  Everywhere you turn or look there is simply more of this courageousness.  What is it going to take to get humans treating one another decently again?  Where is all this bitterness and angst coming from?  Lack of oxygen or the fear mongering all sources of media? Are they simply unable to step back and look into their hearts?  There are thefts, beatings, foul words, and hatred spewing everywhere.  It's like the world is walking on eggshells and has no idea how to right oneself. 

Here's a start... turn off your television.  Same thing with the radio. Stop and have a few conversations with strangers, we are far more alike than different....

So much to ponder.  To think through and process. 

I'm thankful for the peace that I have.  I'm thankful for the joy I find in my day to day life. I am looking forward to self-isolating for a few days.  I need to space to reset after these past two days of peopling. 

Love and peace everyone... 

breaking point...

How much more?  I mean seriously, I hate to put this out into the universe, but I am shocked by the humans of this world.  Shocked by how I am witnessing people acting, speaking and behaving.  I really wonder how much more can we take before society completely fractures.  Or is that the point?  

So many times I have read things along the lines of things must be completely destroyed before they can get better.  I understand that.  I mean if you are going to build a house on a lot that has the remnants of a long destroyed home on it, you have to completely clear the grounds before you can begin.  I get it. 

What I don't get is how humans can be so downright ugly to one another. Everywhere you turn there is a blame game going on.  It's always someone's fault for this or that.  Yet people are refusing to take responsibility for their own actions.  It's always someone else's fault or responsibility. 

This morning I noticed a post on Nextdoor.  The kind I pay attention to, someone had their car broken into. the double ah-ha moment for me, is that this is the second time in a year.  Last time they stole the truck, this time they just rummaged through her car and stole her vehicle documentation - so the damage there is identity theft.  That and the feeling for violation.  

About half of the comments were blaming her.  All those should have and could have and why didn't you... it was enough to make my head absolutely explode!  I mean fireworks central!!  Truth of the matter, the victim was further victimized by the keyboard warriors.  

I don't know if you have ever been stolen from.  If you have ever felt violated in such a way, but I have.  It was super minor - although I did call the police and I did press charges.  Yes it feels ugly to press charges against an 8 year old child.  But I do not regret it one bit.  She broke into my home, she stole things out of my home and when confronted by the police stated she felt it was okay, because she wanted what had been in my home.  Her parents saw nothing wrong with it either. 

So nope, no regrets.  Here is why, because until she was caught I was left with a haunting feeling that anyone could simply enter my home and take what they wanted.  That I was unsafe with two small children, my son was only a few months old at the time, and my ex-husband deployed most of the time.  It leaves you feeling helpless and unsure of anything around you. It is a feeling of complete violation. 

Once she was caught and had zero remorse and the parents didn't even feel it was worthy of punishment or an apology, that amplified those feelings to levels I can't explain.  She was a child from our neighborhood, which is why her presence in our stairwell did not cause me any concern.  She was not a child that played with my then six year old daughter, so she had never been in our home.  She just felt it was her right to be able to go into my home and remove the items that she wanted. 

I moved a short while later, I am sure the little girl received nothing much in the way of discipline, I am equally sure the father (the military member responsible for the actions of his family) did. 

The woman this morning was victimized not only by the person that violated her private space, but by her neighbors, by the community she sought to warn to exercise additional caution. 

This is just the latest example of ugly.  

I'm tired of ugly.  I'm tired of criminal actions, mandates, illegal rules.  I'm tired of freedoms and rights being stripped away.  When I hear what is happening in other countries, I am sick.  Absolutely sick to my stomach at the actions happening on a global scale. 

There is lying, cheating, abuse (both mental and physical), the double standards are extreme.  My heart breaks for those that deal with it on a daily basis.  The longer I have stepped back from the public, the more evident and glaring it becomes. 

People are becoming so aggressive.  Have you observed traffic lately?  The aggression being acted out while driving a vehicle is unreal.  Terrifying actually.  And half the time they are using their phone as they are driving aggressively - eyes not even on the road. 

The air seems filled with this sense of I deserve this and I deserve that. Give me my way or else.  Is this the result of years of everyone is a winner, everyone gets a trophy and prize?  Did society build this when they decided our children no longer needed to learn that not everyone is the best at everything?

I'm just speculating, I absolutely do not have any answers. I am asking each of us to truly step back and examine what is occurring all around us. 

I mean think about it, it's "my body, my choice" when referring to abortion (ironic when you think about it, as it involves another life) but not when referring to a desire to have or not have an unproven vaccination.  It's also I can put you down for anything I want if you don't have the same ideology, orientation, desires, fill in the blank that I have - but don't you dare say anything about me because that is a hate crime. 

The division, the anger, the inability to reason through and realize that we are all pawns on a giant board and we control the ability to stop being used as such if we would just step back and take a deep breath.  If we would simply remove ourselves from the game board. And look at what is truly going on. 

We have reached a point in society that we are frightened children lashing out at everyone around us, simply because we are being led to do so.  When is this all going to reach it's crescendo?  When are families going to become whole again and realize that just because someone doesn't agree with you, they aren't necessarily wrong.  They might just have other information, that might be worth exploring?  When do we as a society become whole again?

Last night at dinner out with friends, conversations inadvertently swung to politics in a twisted manner.  I was asked if I frequented a stop that sells quality spices here in town.  I do not.  My reason is personal, Hubs accidentally let the reason slip. Our friend's wife instantly took offense.  

It bothered me, because my reason is because of their extreme political views and the method presented.  I don't care about a companies views per say.  I don't care what party they endorse or support. Where my feathers get ruffled and I will quit being your patron is where you attempt to force your views on me, where you bombard me with propaganda and ugliness in email or when I come to your shop I am basically shunned and criticized for not wishing to engage in conversations around that topic. I will gladly support your company if you live and let live.  I will not support if you push your agenda on me, not that you are willing to discuss your beliefs (I will gladly discuss), but flat out rude behavior against someone that may or may not believe as you do - I can't do that. 

I attempted to explain this thought process.  Acknowledging that it was a personal feeling and that I could not support someone that used their business as a bully pulpit.  I didn't condemn her for shopping there, I didn't fuss at the comment that I should have ignored it. I did find it humorous, as that is usually the stance I encounter when I can't support those tactics.  Yet it is perfectly okay for people to completely malign a store like Hobby Lobby, because of the stance of their CEO.  I have never received threatening emails from their CEO that I needed to believe their way or I was not welcome in their store - that they did not need my business.  Nor have I ever encountered anything that would lead me to feel they were pushing his beliefs onto me. And no I am not endorsing his views, I frankly haven't dug deeply enough into them as they do not affect me personally. 

I am also grown up enough to decide when something doesn't sit right with me. 

That seems to be the world that we are living in.  We are forced to censor everything we say, think, feel or do through a lens of who will this offend.  The victims are the ones that are maligned and shunned, the aggressor could not possibly be responsible for their actions. It's a march in step or get the hell out of the way society. 

It's making me sick.  

My heart is hurting. 

I have strong views on a lot of things.  Unless you know me extremely well, you will not know those views.  I always try to look at the world through the lens of good. Sometimes I bite my tongue, sometimes I don't.  I am getting more and more to the place inside me that I have to speak up.  That being neutral and playing middle ground is serving no one. 

Is that where we are coming to as a society?  Is there no longer middle ground?  Have we stopped treating others the way we want to be treated? Has right and wrong or black and white become a permanent shade of gray? Has accountability and personal responsibility gone the way of the dinosaurs?

As you can tell, my head and heart are in a definite quandary today. Especially as I long for the days of old, where locking or not locking your door did not lead to you being to blame for a break in.  Where you immediately rushed to the aid of another human.  Where you weren't looked at crazy for offering to cook a meal, watch children or make a donation of any kind towards helping people through life. 

Guess what... none of us are getting out of this alive.  So know that if you need my prayers, they are there wrapped firmly around you.  If I can do something to make your life easier, I have got your back!  If all you need is someone to listen and give you grace and ease, I'm your girl!  I will always be there for anyone in need of anything.  This life is our lesson, our proving ground.  It is up to us how we accomplish that task.  

Shut off the television, walk away from social media, go out into the sunshine and be the sponge that absorbs all of the goodness around you so that you can easily squeeze some of it out on a hurting soul. And for pities sake... lets stop this world from being so darn judgmental and hate-filled. 

Surround yourself and others with peace, love and grace!

this journey...

Good Morning!  

Did anyone else wake up to a beautiful "fall-esque" morning? I sure did.  It seems we might be moving into the part of the year where I thrive.  I have to say, I need it. I have been silent here and other places because I am not in a good place.

I am working hard to get back there.  I am fairly sure it will require more changes than I have already made.  I am very sad at the world today.  I am struggling with the things I am seeing.  The sadness is almost overwhelming at times. 

Friday at work was hard.  I'm leaving it at that.  The events do not matter the result did.  I was up for many hours after I finally got home.  I was unable to sleep.  My stress level was higher than it has ever been.  The experience had a profound impact on me. 

Many times in my life, I have experienced these kind of events.  They are usually my tipping point.  The time when God is speaking the loudest to me, telling me to give it to him, that I needn't worry myself.  

After much prayer on Friday night, trying to navigate my feelings and emotions, overcome with tears out of a mixture of anxiety, fear (mostly of the kind of world we are creating), sadness and frustration, I finally felt semi-calm.  An hour of meditation allowed me to finally rest.  I have turned it over to God.  He will lead me through the next part of my journey. 

On my drive home Friday, I dropped the top of my sweet little bug and savored the beauty around me. The moon was divinely bright, with an almost golden hue - not silvery at all.  I could see Mars and Venus shining bolder and brighter than the stars that they dwarfed. I didn't turn on music, I simply drove in silence.  I think that is when the processing started.  

I've been too overwhelmed to write. In fact I have been almost incapable of putting together a sentence or thought for quite some time now.  I wasn't able to find solace in any of the things that usually bring me great joy.  I've been going through the motions.  Checking off boxes that show I am alive.  Sleep... we'll give that one a half check, waking... double check there, moving through the day... okay check.  You get the point.  

I am fairly sure that most of the planet is with me on this.  We are all dealing with and processing what we have endured at varying places and through varying actions. We all have to find our way. 

I took a week off, a few of those days I simply checked out of life.  I puttered, I created, I spent time with the my sweet pup.  Hubs was visiting his sister.  I was numb to life. 

I've been looking at life through a different lens for over a week now.  I guess that is what made Friday so profound. In the peace and tranquility, I started to realize all of the hurt, suffering, angst, and overwhelming need for grace all around me. I started to realize that globally we needed to heal, that we simply all need a bit more love, compassion, understanding and faith. 

I made my team some Yep's.  It was me being silly as that was the acronym for a new program we are starting tomorrow in an attempt to serve the people around us. I also wanted to see them smile. It worked. Yesterday as I was struggling still with the profound sadness and sense of loss that Friday left me with, I picked up the remaining yarn and a hook and sat listening to some podcasts and made 21 reusable water balloons for next years camp. The thread sliding through my fingers provided a stillness that was needed. 

I was feeling balanced, enjoying the cool breezes and rest.  

A few phone calls and emails later, the anger and angst returned. 

Again, after much time in prayer and meditation, I slept.  

The fact that I can say I slept is powerful.  That is two full nights of sleep.  It has been so very long since that was the norm.  For months on end I have slept fitfully, tossing, turning, waking, having horrible dreams and living a life filled with restlessness. 

This morning I woke up to the sun rising in the east and a pup anxious to go outside.  Normally, I wake up in the dark, jarred awake by nightmares.  It was so refreshing.  After walking outside, regretting my decision to not put on a sweatshirt, I felt energetic and alive. 

I spent an hour cooking Neeko's breakfast and working in my beautiful tree top garden. 

I snipped the marigold heads, remembering as a child Mom and Dad showing us how when they were teaching us how to grow things in our little garden plot.  I can't remember where it was, what we grew, or even if we grew things successfully.  I do remember snipping marigold flowers that had finished blooming, to prepare for the years yet to come. 

I will let them finish drying and then package them up.  Mom has been wanting marigolds for a few years now and never seems able to find them.  I will be sure to send her a package for her garden next year. 

Last weekend I made some pepper jellies from my garden, I will probably make a couple more today.  We love them and that way even in the dead of winter, we will be able to enjoy the flavors of summer.  I am hoping the ones I harvest today will have a bit more bite, the one's last weekend had to have help from some I purchased at the store, they were mild, with no bite. 

As I was snipping those flowers and caring for my precious veggies (even the carrots have decided to grow!), I felt an overwhelming need to write.  The words kept coming together in my head.  My desire to tidy my kitchen and work on things I needed to get done was pushed violently aside by the words rushing around in my head, looking for a way out. 

I'm still deeply saddened by the world we are living in.  I cannot comprehend some of the absolute vileness that I am witnessing.  I don't know that I am in the right place at the right time.  I am feeling more strongly every day that I am not.  Yet I have faith that the Lord will put me where I am supposed to be. 

I am a firm believer that if something feels wrong to your heart and soul, it is not for you.  I am wondering if that is where I am now.  I guess time is going to tell.  

Thank you for being here for me.  

patience...

Anyone else feel like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz?  That moment with the Good Witch tells her while looking at her beautiful ruby slippers... "you've had the power all along".  I am a complete fan of the Wizard of Oz, I have seen all the movies, read the book, and actually own most of the Wicked series.  In my office there is a beautiful ruby cup that says sometimes you have to put the hat on and show them who they are dealing with.

I definitely admit to having a small obsession. But that isn't the meaning of this blog.  I was scrolling through Facebook this morning.  Looking for the uplifting and fun posts that I knew would be there. I came across a post from a friend referring to gas prices and making the comment that "we had the power all along". 

It resonated with me.

We have had the power all along.  We just haven't had the will and desire.

I wrote a post yesterday.  It was light and full of energy. I hadn't gotten it finished before walking Neeko, so I decided to take some pictures of the beautiful morning to put in.  It was a glorious morning.  Beautiful.  Sun shining, tree's budding, a brilliant blue sky.  It made my morning perfect.

And then, just as quickly the rain rolled in.  Physically and metaphorically.  The clouds darkened before I could even get on my first conference call.  By the time I logged in there was the roll of thunder and huge splashes of rain blurring the beauty.  Making it hazy and hard to see. And as I started opening email my bright optimistic mood started to dim.

My energy card was strategy yesterday, it was telling me to plan.  I was struggling to understand the path it was asking me to see.

Later in the day, as the sky was brightening once again.  With the temperatures rising and the sound of people out walking and moving about, things that normally lift my heart.  I had sunk to a low that felt impossible to climb out of. 

My light and loving post, had never been posted.  I simply couldn't find it in me to even edit it.  My mood was black, my energy stolen and I was feeling defeated.

Words and actions are powerful. Anyone that knows me, knows that I come from a place of honesty and pure truth.  I will not ever be deceitful, heck I don't even get invited to participate in pranks - I suck at it.  So when I am surrounded by cloak and dagger, half truths and evasion.  I also don't do well with stuck in a hole, closed mindsets. I struggle HARD!

None of us knows what the path ahead looks like.  I am doing my level best to uplift and shine loving light on everyone.  I struggle when people that I love and trust cannot return that same energy.

I was afraid that I would not sleep again last night.  I was empty.  I needed the rest, I knew it.  But I also knew where my heart was, and worse yet, where my head was.

I decided to visit a couple of pages on Facebook that I knew would fill me with hope if there was any to be had.  And sure enough, one of them had a message that I felt was spoken directly to me. I allowed myself to read it a few times, to focus on the words. 

Climbing the stairs I was still lost in thought about it.  I normally do not meditate at night, usually it is my morning routine.  After the search through my crafting room had not netting me any more of the soft pale alpaca wool to spin, and listening to several podcasts. I decided I may as well try.

I'd only put in guided meditation - because frankly I was too frazzled to lead myself - and there it was.  It had only been posted that morning.  "Guided Meditation Before Sleep.  Let Go of Fear in Uncertain Times".  It was from the same channel that some of my favorite sleep music comes from so... yep, gave it a try.

It was the best meditation that I have had since the beginning of February at The Peace Place. Thirty minutes flew by and took my stress with it.  I felt so peaceful and calm inside.  So loved by all that is. 

Each of us has our own way of dealing with things.  This is mine. 

As the world is slowing and changing some folks are reacting in negativity and anger.  Some of reacting with fear.  The universe is truly calling on us to lean into the changes.  So many red flags have been up for a long, long time. I was talking with Hubs this morning, sharing with him my beliefs (which FYI collide hard with his good Catholic upbringing) that we have been individually asking the universe for things without realizing it.

I have asked for more time.  Feeling rushed and frazzled.  Mourning the loss of precious disconnectedness in a world that is far too connected and demanding. I was still going about my life.  Just like everyone else.  I was still running hither and yon. 

And now. 

My phone is silent in the morning, work isn't begging for my attention. I don't feel guilty taking the time to meditate, do energy exercises, walk my dog, or blog.  At 5 pm, I am shutting off my computer.  My phone only rings with loved ones, dear friends. I am treasuring the silence. The peace.

I know people are mourning some of their favorite activities. The physical connection.  This is for but a moment in time.  I saw that someone connected yesterday with a Bible verse.  The numbers lined up the same.  Telling us to isolate. Until it passed.

Soon enough we will join each other face to face.  Soon enough we will laugh, play and celebrate.

Patience.  A new day will dawn.
.

raging...

I've spent several exhausted evenings looking longingly at my computer.  I've written out numerous blogs in my head.  There is much circling around, trapped.  Thoughts that seem to be trying to force their way out.  In my tote there are piles of scrap paper with notes scribbled on them.

Writing is one of the ways that I balance and order my world.  I don't really have a purpose to it, or even a rhyme and reason.  One of my cousins when I first started blogging told me that I needed to find it's purpose if I wanted people to read it, to gravitate towards what I was putting out into the universe.  I didn't do that.  Because it wasn't about a how to, it wasn't tips for life, it's simply thoughts, ideas, and my own willingness to be vulnerable.

What I have found over the years that I have managed to find a moment here and there to jot down my thoughts, hopes, dreams and ideas is that the people that read and respond... they are my tribe.  They are the like minded souls that I needed to find.  Most of them are now very dear friends.  I need their lives to help balance mine.  There is even a deeper connection with family members.

Sitting here watching this raging storm surrounding me, it kind of matches where I have been lately. The whirlwind and storm that is bending trees and creating rivers in the road matches my internal struggles.  The thunder is pounding the very earth with it's sound.

I feel at peace.

Do you ever feel that you give too much of yourself to any cause that has value to you?  Do you find yourself feeling run down and worn because you are determined to make a difference?  I have found those are the people that I gravitate to.  If you are strong influence in my life or one of the people I hold most dear, you are definitely like me.

Which makes me wonder if I am destined to belong to a tribe of worn out, bone weary, coffee slugging givers.  People that struggle with boundaries, correction people that struggle with setting boundaries to protect themselves.

The past ten months have been exhausting.  Emotionally draining and frustrating.  I look around my home and realize that it has been completely neglected as I have been grasping at all the loose threads spinning rapidly around me. I wonder how much of everything in my life has been the victim of this storm.  I feel in many areas I am literally struggling to just survive, it's become a day to day battle.

One that is starting to wear on my health.

I wake up, start dealing with work, walk the boys more dealing with work, eat breakfast (on a good day), get ready, get in the car go to work (where I try desperately to at least get a call into mom - friends - I love you all - but I am truly fraying at the edges).

Work for the next 9 - 12 hours - always intending to leave at a reasonable hour, but getting stuck dealing with the unfinished business that those who feel their work/life balance is far more important than everyone else's, if I am lucky, I get home with enough time to fix and eat dinner before crawling in bed and giving up for another day.

I will fully own that some of this is my own choice.  For me failure has never been an option.  At least not in reference to other people.  I will sacrifice whatever is needed to keep a promise, hold tight to a commitment or obligation.

Yet things that bring me joy and peace, they get brushed aside.  I have so many unfinished projects.  So much of what fills my own bucket is brushed to the ground.  I am simply one person, and I always seem to honor and value the needs of the people that I perceive as being more "important".

The weekends have devolved into a time to catch up on rest, therefore sitting mindlessly and resting body, mind and spirit.  Or a mad rush to complete chores and plan for the coming week ahead.

Lately there have been a few things that are taxing my temper and patience. I have to find a way through it.  Because truthfully, it's exhausting.  I have members of my tribe that are as deep in the thick of things as I am. Deeper.  I'm trying to lift them up and support them, yet I know that I am not succeeding. I need those "selfish" people to stop for a minute and realize the universe simply does not revolve around them, that in order for any of us to get out of this alive it's a team effort.  Maybe if there was less "I" and more "us"... everyone would be in a better place. I'm tired of the mentality that it is a team effort when it benefits me, but not a team effort when it is for everyone.

I am truly tired.

I have nothing left to give myself and therefore nothing left to give others. Many of my tribe are in the same place.  Stay strong dear ones.

The storm is definitely raging...

finding grace...

There is an older country song... it has a line in it "what a day yesterday was"... it is referring to a wonderful yesterday full of love, hope and dreams. 

"Yesterday" for me was definitely filled with stress, chaos and unhappiness. But what a day it was!

I woke up to my alarm going off at 5 am, just like it does most days.  I'd finally had a full night's sleep and was really feeling ready to tackle the world. The linger effects of the sinus infection had cleared up for the most part. I'd finally had a long rest without worry or stress.  It seemed like it was going to be a darn good day as I lingered in bed snuggling my little old baby boy, thankful for another morning of his being beside me.  Knowing the morning is going to come when it's a memory. 

The bliss ended rather abruptly. 

Hubs came upstairs, he'd been awake for a bit, with the news that the pain was more severe, in his shoulder and running all the way down his arm.  Accompanied by tingling and icy cold. Not news you want to hear first thing in the morning after checking out of the hospital two days before for evaluation.  Hadn't I gone and gotten all the med's the doc said I needed?  

As I am lying there sorting through the rearrangement of my day and arguing with Hubs that he probably needed to be seen again... the phone rings.

As I put on my glasses and picked it up wondering who was calling off work and what in the world was going on, I see it's one of my sisters. 

Took a deep breath before answering, a 6 AM call from one of my sisters is never good news. 

It wasn't. 

My Dad was in the hospital. He'd been out for dinner with Mom and starting feeling bad.  Winding up in the ER confirmed that he'd had a heart attack. Mom had been with him all night and sisters were on their way to take over waiting with him for a room, so Mom could head home to rest. 

I didn't feel dread, I truly feel like both of them will be okay. But anxiety was definitely rearing it's ugly head. 

Sisters said while Dad feels like crap, he will be fine.  Doctor said it was not life threatening. So I was able to focus on Hubs. 

While still arguing with him about being seen, because evidently it's okay to stress me out, to be in pain and scared and to tell me to just go to work and he'll drive himself to the ER. I had just finished telling him that I am a very strong woman because of a long line of jerks and I was not going to accept it from him, when...

The phone rang yet again. 

Trust me at that point the day was already getting old and I was thinking of chucking the phone out the window.  That call brought the news that a water main had broken and they were closing our building.  We're tenants, we don't really get a say in any matters like that. 

Calling my boss, working on helping put all the pieces together that come with an emergency shut down while trying to hurry and get ready to take Hubs to the doctor I was starting to feel very stressed and very angry.  It'd been enough for one morning. 

Slipping off my heels - as I no longer needed them on to look professional, putting on my fun vans... I mean come on doesn't everyone smile when they are wearing van's with cherries on them? I grabbed the bag with my laptop, some knitting and water.  I'd learned my lesson on Tuesday.  

We'd called his primary care doc and the heart doc that had released him.  Neither of them would see him.  Take him straight to the ER.  I knew it was going to be a long wait. 

It was.  

But... if I needed to have a moment to take care of everything and put it back into balance.  Yesterday ended up being the day.  With my building closed, I no longer needed to rush anywhere. And I could focus on the Hubs.  My sisters could keep me posted on my parents.  And I could stop for a moment in time, get some work done in silence and move forward. 

As luck would have it, the Doc that we got in the ER didn't stop looking for the problem after determining that it wasn't his heart.  That the blood pressure being so high might be a symptom of something else.  She started looking deeper. 

After a few more tests, and a few shots to bring the pain he was feeling into check, she determined that he has a pinched nerve. Something we had been wondering since Wednesday.  The arm that is hurting is one that he had surgery on a long time ago.  As they controlled the actual pain the blood pressure fell to a normal range.  Good news!! 

A call from a sister told me that my Dad was doing okay, they were working on stabilizing his blood pressure and that they would be keeping him for observation for a few days.  He will be okay too. 

And just as they were coming to a conclusion with Hubs, the phone rang.  The landlord was letting me know that we would have water again momentarily. So I was able to start reversing the tasks of the morning.  Needed to call all the workers back and get us back open. 

Sitting in the ER listening to broken conversations, beeping monitors and rushing steps in a very uncomfortable chair I was able to feel peace again. I was able to wonder at the power God has to make things happen the way that they need to.  Even if in that moment in time it doesn't feel like it. 

This morning I got up bright and early and started to get things rolling.  I am hosting a Pampered Chef party at my house.  This is a first for me, I never HOST parties.  I will attend, I will host an online, but I am definitely not a hostess person. Remember, I am not exactly friendly or sociable.  That being said, I happen to adore this sweet woman and would do anything I could to help her out. 

So... Fajitas and Margaritas are happening in about 9 hours.  I've invited everyone that I could think of and bought the best ingredients I can find.  The B's and my girl will be here and who know's who else.  I have enough to feed an army so hopefully it isn't just the seven of us. And if it is, well we'll just enjoy each other, laugh a lot and have a great time. 

For now... I'm catching my breath.  Tomorrow will find me back at work fighting the good fight, today, I need to have a bit of me time.  This stress is wearing me out!

flipping the switch...

I needed a moment to step away from the anger and fear that had been welling up inside me.  Watching the clip of Ms. Norma from the news did not make it better.  I know that tough old gal really well, I saw the fear - something I thought I would never witness.  I saw the glassiness of tears in her eyes.

I'm still upset.  I'm still questioning the stupidity that seems to be overwhelming our neighborhoods, towns, cities, states and our country at large. I feel an overwhelming need to hide.  I know I can't.  But I am sure that there is somewhere in this big, vast nation that stupidity is not the common denominator.

As I was struggling with the news about Ms. Norma, the closed group on Facebook that is our subdivision started blowing up.  Cars and garages were being ransacked and stolen from.  A few people had consequential losses.  A few lost a few dollars in change. Others simply suffered from general disarray.

Next I start getting emails from our local "Nextdoor" app, seems all the surrounding neighborhoods are getting hit also.

For a moment or two, I savored the fact that Hubs is obsessive about light and locks.

He keeps our home lit up at night.  It helps that we are by the main street light, but he also has super bright LED at multiple points out front. I often tease him about the brightness.  I prefer semi-darkness. My eyes are not overly fond of brightness.

I'm sure that prevented them coming near our home.  On the flip side, he is equally as obsessive about insuring that both of our cars fit in the garage, no matter how tight of a fit, that is where he wants them at night.

Why is that something we should be worried about?

"Nextdoor" for the community near my work is riddled with robberies, gun shots, car's being stolen and damaged.

This is all local.

All within miles of my front door.

And I am struggling with it.  Was it always this bad?  Was I too wrapped up in my own world?

I mean, I know kids will be kids.  They will test their boundaries.  That is part of the growth process.

It appears to me that our society as a whole has some serious issues. Have parents given up on the golden rule?  Is life far too easy now?  Do we not care anymore?

I am terrified that the last one is the root of it.  It seems that we have a bunch of self-centered, spoiled brats running around.

It seems that we've become a "me" culture.  Even parents are not putting their children first anymore and kids seem to be emulating it.

I don't know if any of you watched that video clip that I shared last time.  It's probably the most powerful video that I have seen to address our society today.

The fact that sweet Ms. Norma is still working is a testament to her love of her family and her strong need to take care of them.  She'd barely come out of surgery yesterday when one of the B's checked on her for me as I was still in meetings.  She wasn't concerned about herself. She wasn't worried about the fact that at 81 she'd had to have surgery to remove a BB pellet that was lodged in her jaw bone, because of some selfish little brat.

Ms. Norma was worried about the fact that the holidays are fast sneaking up on us and here she was out of work for a bit to heal.  She was losing money that she needed to care for her loved ones.

I assure you that Hubs and I will do without anything for our children or grand children, and I watch my daughter do the same.  It's how we were raised, I've watched my parents do the same.  It's simply what you do.

Or is it.

I personally know parents that do not check on their children, that leave them to their own devices.  So many times we go to dinner and look around at children being completely ignored while mom and dad stare at their phones.  They don't talk to their children, ask them about their day, they ignore the fact that they are acting up (or are they simply trying to be seen?).

On national news, heck international for that matter, its a long string of allegations of sexual assault of some kind or another.  Often against powerful people, or rather people perceived to have power. I have to stop and wonder about it all.  How did it get missed when they were young children or worse was it seen and ignored? How horrible to have that happen and feel powerless to call for help.

I'm afraid the devil is winning.  And I don't believe in the devil.

I believe in free will.  But without a consequence to actions what good is that?  I do believe that each of us has the ability to make some really horrible choices.  What are we deleting in our own makeup that is eliminating the ability to feel guilt.

Are we spending too much time worrying about people always feeling good, without spending equal time or doing and being good?

Can it be fixed?

Today is Veteran's Day.

I come from a long line of Vet's.  By birth, family, marriage, life in general.  I don't know how many generations back felt called to serve.  I guess I could find out, I have aunts that have records going back generations.  What I do know is that as far back as those that have lived during my lifetime, I have been surrounded by veterans.  People for whom the call to service was powerful. People with the willingness to sign that blank check up to and including their own lives for our freedoms. My list of friends that has served makes me so proud to be able to call them all friends.  They unselfishly have given parts of their lives for others. It wasn't a paycheck.

I wonder if it would make a difference to some of these wayward people to be part of something bigger than themselves.  Last I heard in Germany you serve 18 months active duty or work for an organization like the Red Cross, after graduation.

I struggle with mandates for peoples lives, to me that feels too much like an abdication of free will.  I wonder though.  Might it help?

Does community service need to become something we are doing from grade school on?  Back when I was a kid you were part of the scouts.  Do we still have vibrant scout troops?  Are we still teaching right from wrong? The only time I see scouts now is when they are selling over priced cookies, popcorn or Christmas trees.

Last I read both the boys and girls scouts were tackling bigger challenges than how to build the perfect fire and sewing on buttons. Maybe we need to step it back.  Maybe we need to simply stop for a moment and go back to letting kids be kids.

Stop dragging them into our insanity.  I hear so many conversations that include children that frankly shouldn't be part of their lives.

What I don't hear is laughter on the playground.  Children running around chasing fireflies.  Playing chase, hide and seek, pretending.

It's been forever since a young person has knocked on my door wanting to mow the lawn, rake the leaves, wash my car or shovel the snow.  Working hard to raise the money for a treasure they either wanted for themselves or a loved one.

I remember begging my Dad to let me take on the job of "lawn boy" back in Germany.  I wanted to have my own spending money. It was hard work, but it sure felt good on payday.  Kids don't do that anymore. I would much rather pay a preteen or teen the $30 a week that I am paying a professional company for yard work.  I would love to be part of developing their work ethic.

It's been so long since I have been part of a community clean up day.  I know that I am a military brat and "base clean up" was simply part of every day life.  Here is my question, why isn't it part of every day life everywhere?  Days were organized, tools were gathered, extra trash hauling and composting ordered.  And for four or five hours we all worked together.  Everyone.  The officers and their families were no more important than the enlisted and theirs.  In the fall we picked up trash, we raked leaves, painted benches, things were fixed, trash cans emptied, brooms were pushed and sidewalks edged.  Our community came together to make it a better place to live.

Our community gathered, served and then fellowshipped when it was done.  The moms with small children divided the tasks of watching the little's and fixing snacks and hot chocolate to be enjoyed when we were done.

When did those things disappear?

Again, I ask... when did we stop caring?

Today Hubs and I will run a few errands and do a few chores.  On my list, buying food to donate to the food drive all of our Y's are participating in.  Knowing that some of those families and individuals that will be fed are Veterans.  I will clean out closets, looking for gently loved coats to donate to the Winter Warm Up that we are also hosting at the Y.  Because I know there are far too many in our community that risk being cold this winter.  I have hats and will buy a few pairs of gloves to donate also.  No one should be cold.  I will be buying a gift card to donate to Ms. Norma, so that she and her family will be able to have a nice holiday despite these current challenges.

Later today Hubs will go out and mulch all the leaves in our yard.  He will take care of the leaves for our neighbor also.  He will do it, because helping others is in his DNA.

I firmly believe that helping others is in all of our DNA, it's part of the core of who we are as humans.  I am simply afraid that we've forgotten how. That we are all so busy being wrapped up in us, that we've forgotten to be generous with our hearts and hands.

I can't change the world.  Not even willing to try.  I don't think any of us really need to.  We are all getting caught up in politics and things that divide us.  We are allowing external forces, money, and pride to get in the way of doing good.  Of teaching our children to do good, of modeling those behaviors.

Can you imagine a world where we didn't allow that?  A world where we didn't care who you voted for, what high school you went to (yep, I finally figured that one out), what street you live on, if you have a nice car or ride the bus, what your skin tone is, who your partner in life is, what prayers you said or didn't say, and there are a million other dividers.

Can you imagine a world where "we the people" saw a need and filled it? I'm not a big fan of government.  They've been destroying us for a long, long time.  But I am a strong proponent of the power of love.  Of communities coming together to help each other.  Maybe if we could master that on the smallest level, within our families, sub-divisions, streets, etc... soon that movement would be expanding exponentially.  Maybe then a Ms. Norma wouldn't be afraid to go pick up her chili supplies at night.  Because the lights would be bright, the parking lot clear, and people wouldn't be afraid to say the names of people that have harmed them.  Because united the criminal would be afraid of the victim, not the other way around.

Well... I guess I am babbling.  I am trying to sort out too much in my head.  And if you've read this, you are probably feeling as crazy as I feel right now.

Maybe we just need to flip the switch.  Start an avalanche of good.  Anyone want to join me?