begin...

This silence is almost deafening.  The occasional whoosh of the washer, the rain pouring down on the roofs, and the crackle of thunder and lightening is all that is breaking it. This is the first time I have ever been 100% alone in this house for two full days. 

Sweet Hubs headed out about two hours ago, he will be at the lodge until tomorrow night. A group of them are volunteering their time and skills to help get things ready for the upcoming summer. He asked me to come along, and I seriously considered it.  I love working on renovation projects, but it wasn't what my heart was calling for.  

I chose to listen to my heart. 

I wandered out on the deck to see if I could get my herbs planted this morning.  Nope, not unless I want a cold shower to go with it.  And truthfully, I don't.  I'm sort of wishing I'd skipped the nap I needed so badly yesterday and gotten everything planted.  Hopefully the rain will let up and I can get them in the pots today.  We'll see, if not well they are well watered and have been living in pots for a good while, they will be just fine. 

I managed to get a beautiful pot of cilantro, I had almost given up hope.  The garden center had everything except a decent pot of cilantro.  They had some tiny pots with a single sprig growing in the middle, definitely not enough to actually use for cooking until some time late this summer.  Ironically, Home Depot had a huge pot, just needs transplanted and we are ready to go. 

It feels odd to have so much time to do what I love and cherish.  It's been so very long.  I am feeling a bit stuck.  Not in a bad way, but definitely in an overwhelmed way. So many things have been neglected and ignored.  So much that I want to tackle and I have this urge to tackle it all at once.  I realize that is unreasonable and well... impossible... but dang I wish that magic wand I have upstairs worked. I don't think I have enough patience to wait for it all to be completed. 

So much has opened up and changed in the past week and it feels freeing and peaceful. I'm sure at some point it might become stressful, but right now, nope!  Electronic leash is cut, I am opening my heart and mind to so much that has been locked away.  

It feels like an eternity since I was able to simply be. I have always said when I retire I am putting a hot pink stripe in my hair.  I will admit I'm considering it, very seriously. I might actually do it eventually, right now I am afraid to do anything that might cause more of it to fall out.  The look of shock on my dear sweet Hubs face yesterday when I told him I was thinking about it, well, it was absolutely priceless. He almost choked on his lunch.  I have told him this for literally years, he thought I was joking. I don't know if I am. 

He pointed out to me that he'd always wanted a fifties housewife, I pointed out he probably got more of a hybrid hippie model. I don't know.  I'm more a blue jeans, over sized shirt, long hair, pioneer type gal.  Not so much high heels, pearls and perfect hair. I can play in either playground, but my heart... will always be more of a Mother Earth free spirit, than a June Cleaver perfection model.  He knew that when he married me.

This slower pace feels heavenly.  I can feel my stress levels dropping almost by the moment.  I am not sure that I am the driven woman that my inner me has always told me I am.  Having time to sit in the sunshine and work on a knitting project with tall glass of ice water yesterday felt like a vacation.  I was simply sitting in my treetop garden, not some exotic locale and it was wonderful. 

I am finding my emotional health is priceless.  The balance and grace of the day, beautiful.  I'm not sure I will spend much time connected to any electronics these next two days.  I have things I want to do and not having to have screen time is probably my favorite thing ever!

We are going to be participating in the subdivision yard sale and for the first time, I have time.  

There is so much that I would love to purge from our home.  Things that we no longer need or use.  Items that have been replaced or upgraded.  Stuff that has been hanging around in boxes and back closets - I mean come on our kids are all grown - why do I even have twin bed supplies?

There are books that served a purpose at one point in time, they no longer do.  Furniture that isn't needed and dishes that were being saved for... well who knows.  

Generally speaking, I loathe yard sales.  Hubs loves them.  So I will get it all ready and then let him tackle the "day of" stuff.  I just want my home to feel as free of clutter as I do. 

My weary soul feels like this is self-care.  It is needed. I haven't had time for a good spring cleaning in over a decade, even moving I simply boxed up the clutter and moved it on.  I am filled with joy at the prospect of cleaning it all out. 

I guess my plan for self-care these next two days has nothing to do with long baths, candles and wine... well maybe I can squeeze those in also, sure sounds inviting.  

Today, I think I will tackle the kitchen while I wait for the rain to stop and I get to spend a bit more time up in the dirt.  The thought of getting my kitchen cleaned and organized is enough to make me giddy.  I love to cook.  I hate to look for stuff. Definitely feels like a win/win. Hubs favorite thing is a home cooked meal, he is over the moon that he will start being able to enjoy those every day, a clean and organized kitchen makes it so much easier.

Well, my coffee is cold, it's time to begin.  

I'll chat with you later... please remember to always do what makes your soul feel peaceful, it's so healing.

discovery...

This 3:33 am thing is starting to get a bit strange, here I am awake and drinking coffee, I gave up on trying to fall back asleep.  I could probably go back to sleep, I usually get tired again around 5 am, but... I have to be somewhere in 3 hours and I am terribly afraid I could sleep through if I did.  So, it's hot coffee as I await the sunrise!

I am making a list in my head - soon to hit paper - I am the queen of lists and notes of the things that I want to do.  For so long they have been day dreams, a list of maybe someday and possibilities waiting to happen.  So much has been lingering, waiting for me to have time.  

Monday morning the beginning of a day of possibility. 

I love the beauty of this day, the gift of time and space.  Last night as I opened the small cabinet door in my antique phone table I felt like a small child on Christmas day.  I knew there was a partially finished project lingering in there.  A beautiful undyed natural gray alpaca yarn that I had long ago started knitting into a pair of finger-less gloves. I don't remember what delegated them to sit there in the bag the yarn came in.  I don't even remember how long it's been since I last felt the softness of the yarn in my fingers. 

I was so tired and ready for bed, but opening that bag brought back strong memories of the work and an even stronger desire to play.  Not too long ago I would have scolded myself and put it away.  I would not have given in to that pure joy.  Last night I refreshed my dusty memory of the pattern and let muscle memory take control.  About 5 rows in, I felt fulfilled and ready to rest.  I gathered it all in one of my zipper project bags, that thin plastic bag was not going to be enough to protect it as my travel project. I went up to my sewing room and found a better cable needle, one not so huge and easier to maneuver and added it to the bag as well.  I had made myself ready for today. 

Hubs has an appointment and I will be waiting for a good long bit.  I will probably complete one and start on the other, there isn't much of the right one to finish.

There is a feeling of excitement pulling on me heart.  I long to find all of my projects that have been set aside and never returned to.  It feels like the ghosts of crafts past are calling out to me.  Longing to finally be completed. When I finished the Spring Garden memory quilt over a week ago, I almost put another quilt on the frame, yep, I have that many that need attention.  I didn't because I was concerned that I would not have time to finish it before my sister-in-law came to visit.  I know that when she visits,  she will want to work on a quilt or two. She is a very talented quilter! The power of a completed project is incredible.  

Accomplishment.

These unfinished projects are battling for my attention.  Yet it isn't causing anxiety, it is bringing calm. Silently, out of the now quiet corners of my mind, I am remembering where they all are hidden.  Where they have patiently waited for me to have time. 

Not all of it is wrapped up in creating, even if I do have too many interests and hobbies, I couldn't be bored if I wanted to. I also have projects that I have longed to tackle and the time factor was never there.  When your world of "home time" is limited to two weekend days - if lucky - and all the things to prep for the week had to happen in those days, well... those bigger projects simply get shoved aside. I mean - who has the time. 

We have lived here for almost 7 years now, where has the time gone.  And there are still boxes that have never been unpacked, realistically they are probably full of things we don't need any longer as we haven't missed them in 7 years.  There are closets stuffed with items that need new homes, far away from ours.  They have been relegated to the back corners and in unused spaces.  I have longed to clean them, I was simply to selfish of any down time to tackle those things.  Too many things I have wanted to do, with too little time to do them.  

Now, I am trying to find a way to pace myself.  I want to do it all and I want it done yesterday. I am ready to jump feet first into new adventures and following dreams, and I will. I need to address this sense of incompleteness first. I need to be intentional and fully present, not distracted and off balance. 

Sweet Hubs is going out of town for a couple of days either tonight or first thing tomorrow.  I have a feeling I am going to be working on that list. I thought about scooting out of town, I decided against it.  I still have one more set of injections in my knees and don't want to risk making them stiff before I go in on Thursday.  I feel drawn to spend the time here in my beautiful home, alone.  It will be a first for me.  I have never been 100% alone in my home.  There has always been someone to care for,  husband, children, or pets.  

Two full days of eating, sleeping, playing, doing, when I want to, need to, feel like it... well that sounds very healing and intentional to me. 

Ironically, this sounds like a list of have to's, it feels like the purest definition of self care.  Clearing out the clutter externally and internally. 

I love this journey of mine.  I am so thankful that this is the time I am participating and experiencing in this great learning lab called Earth.