bittersweet memories...

It's been roughly 7 years, maybe a bit longer, maybe a bit less.  I am not sure.  What I do know is that the emotions that hit me walking into the MX last night were powerful.  It was my baby, I'd put so much into it.  Lost myself for a while.  Too many long days, nights, weekends... wow, just wow. 

As I hugged my dear friends and wandered around the building that I used to know so very well. A few faces were vaguely familiar, the rest unknown.  I met a new face, what an amazing young lady.  She'd been afraid I would slip on some water and had rushed in to warn me.  I had to laugh.  I knew every spot that water might pool in there and was already stepping aside.  I thanked her.

We talked for a bit, she told me the things she loved about the building and people.  I shared with her my memories.  The joy I had felt cutting the ribbon on that place and building a family with the people inside the doors.  It was fun.  It reminded me of all the reasons I had stayed through the hard times.  For a small, tiny moment, I missed it all. 

I felt myself kick into the old protective mode.  Lifting up people's spirits about the loss they would soon suffer, chatting with them about other options for them and what buildings might fit their needs the best once the MX closed it's doors for good. You always find good people when you expect to. 

I was blessed to spend a bit of time with people that mean a great deal to me.  Walking through memories that I thought I had built a wall around and feeling tears well up, threatening to spill over as I walked out the door.  I will probably go a time or two before they are locked the final time.  A few more moments to remember and celebrate the team I was blessed to be a part of, the dream we tried so hard to make into a reality.  I'm sure nothing as grand as the beautiful art hotel the old Y was replaced with will take it's place, closing that one tore my very soul.  Who knows, before long I might walk through the doors of 1528 again.  But those memories still bite.  They cause a sense of loss that has pain tied to it... who knows... 

It was a weekend of memories, something I rarely participate in.  For a huge history buff... someone that could literally walk into the past and forget to walk back to the present, my own history is something I rarely revisit.  I block it out mentally and physically.  I have a nasty habit of cutting the ties, refusing to hold on to things.  I truly have no idea why, but I definitely do it. 

Hubs on the other hand, has a remarkable ability to remember it all!!!  I mean, dates, times, names, the weather, the feeling, you name it he can remember it and the moment it occurred and probably most everything that has happened to the person, place or thing in the adjoining years.  

This weekend, I saw him brought to tears of joy.  I actually witnessed him physically being drawn back to a space and time that even predated him.  No, I am not suggesting he was remembering a time that was before he was even conceived, although with him nothing would truly surprise me.  But he was given a blessing that few of us receive. 

Over the past few weeks, we've been cleaning out some clutter and stuff that is simply taking up space.  One of those areas is the old album collection.  The one that sits gathering dust, filled with memories that no one is going to want when we've left this plane. 

We tagged teamed to get the listing typed up, me typing, him reading.  We'd finished all the full albums and decided to tackle the 78's and 45's.  As we sorted through the dusty records, we found a few treasures.  Records that were physically recorded by his older brother.  He was a a drummer after he returned home from the war. These felt priceless. 

One of the records was from 1947, it was a recorded letter home to his dad and mom. A few others were slightly more recent, probably early 50's, these were self-recordings of him and his wife. Evidently she had been either a singer or musician also.  They were dusty, covered in slight scratches and we didn't have a record player.  They will return home on Friday.  

Hubs being Hubs got into a conversation with the young man that bought one of the collections he was selling and what a happy God wink that was!  The young man had just bought a turntable that could make digital recordings.  His own brother had passed away young, he understood the desire to hear their voice again.  

Nowadays, it's easier.  There are recordings, phone messages, videos... we seem to have them everywhere. But from 1947?  Junior has been gone since the early 90's.  We have pictures, we have random bits of things.  But to hear his voice?  To listen to his drumming?  Nope, those things were lost to him. 

The young man took the records home with him.  He promised to get on it before the weekend was over.  What a gamble.  To trust those irreplaceable treasures to a stranger... But trust he did. 

Saturday morning, I was in the process of doing about a dozen things at once... pure chaos!  Cooking, gardening, tidying the house - when I heard Hubs call up from the basement.  Demanding I come down. It sounded so urgent.  He does this thing where he won't tell me why he needs me, just makes it sound critically urgent and then silence. 

It drives me nuts and I know I was a bit fussy, I was so busy in that moment. Something about the look on his face stopped me from being my usual smarty pants and I paused on the steps.  Yes, my need for instant answers was absolutely killing me, but I paused.  I watched him fiddling with his phone and speaker.  Frustration mounting, but curiosity starting to win the battle. 

Then in a mix of snaps, pops and scratches, across the decades came the voice.  It was hard to make out, but there was Juniors' voice.  I can't remember the full date, but he definitely said it, my brain stuck on the 1947... his "letter" home from the front in Germany.  

Watching my sweet Hubs melt, his eyes full of tears of joy.  That was irreplaceable. The young man recorded and sent to him every bit that could be heard.  With the magic of technology, Junior was at our home, Hubs was able to listen, to remember, to share those memories.  It truly was a God wink.  An unexpected gift and treasure.  

Definitely a weekend of memories.  Some joyous, some more melancholy and painful.  Time spent with friends and ghosts of the times gone by.  I had been sad about the number of my team that have passed away, silenced.  Hubs was gifted with his brother's voice and musical skills.  The past didn't seem so far away. 

This week is dawning busy.  Hubs has appointments almost everyday this week as we start the process of healing his shoulder, finally!  We will also be getting ready for a city wide yard sale and I get to start on the memory quilt that I have been commissioned to make. 

Did I tell you about that?  Oh what an exciting journey it is going to be!  I am going to be using a veteran's uniforms to create a memory quilt for him.  We have the bones planned out, but the rest?  Well... I can't wait to see it come to life.  Memory quilts are some of my absolute favorite things to make. I can't wait to share it with you. 

I haven't gotten any further on the bit that is making me think - which is why I haven't shared it yet.  It is slowly taking form in my mind and heart. That bit of a conundrum is still lingering there, waiting for attention.

Well, I need to get busy, it's going to be an overwhelmingly busy kind of day and sitting around isn't going to happen. 

my boys...

I hope everyone has a wonderful week...

much love, 

b

processing....

I've started this one a few dozen times, maybe more.  The past few weeks have been filled with so much trauma.  Globally, nationally, locally, in my immediate circle.  I am finding myself pulling back, deeper and deeper into my own personal bubble.  I don't know that I know how to process everything I am watching happen.  I don't know that I know how to participate in a world that is so filled with hate and ugly, so full of desperation and anger.  The sense of loss is intense, it's everywhere.  Not all of it is human lives - although that number is far too high and rising rapidly.  

I've had a bit of a head cold for the past week.  Which has left me far too much time to absorb everything around me.  I'm still fighting it, and I definitely shared it with Hubs, I mean misery loves company right?  I've been intentionally blocking things at this point. Pushing myself to stop lying around and feeling miserable.  Making myself be useful, I can be just as stuffy and weary while working as I can laying around.  And when busy, I have less of a temptation to explore the darkness that is swirling. 

As I was making a jar of honey, cloves and garlic for my sister this morning, I had time to think.  In the silence rolling the garlic cloves to remove the skin, it felt like therapy. It gave me time to focus on things that I need to process, things I need to see my way to the other side of.  

Is anyone else feeling that the world around us is dark?  Filled with a density that feels off?  Where people are struggling, lost, unable to find their way?  There are deaths that are beyond tragic everywhere.  I'm not going to play the "whatabout" games that I see swirling.  No murders are okay.  A loss due to suicide is heart wrenching.  I mean I am the person that says a prayer for every animal I see that is dead on the side of the road, so that should help you understand where my spirit is. 

But it isn't even just deaths.  It's the reactions.  Three young people in two weeks have ended their own lives publicly here in our local area.  What in the world is going on?  When did we all stop valuing life?  Not just life the same as ours, not just live that agreed with us, or looked or prayed or... you get the point right?  The young people seem jaded to it.  The old seem weary.  

Personally, at least for now, I am having to pull into myself.  I need to work through the darkness.  And it isn't even just about death.  It's how ugly people are becoming to one another.  

Maybe I am a bit of a hippy, I don't know.  If you are a good, kind, loving person you are my tribe.  You are the ones I want to be around, that I want to experience life with.  If you are dark, hateful, malicious... well I'm definitely not sticking around.  I won't hate you, I won't do things that could harm you in any way, but I will definitely put distance between us. I want us all to live and let live.  I want for all of us to lift the energy, the passion for life, the goodness.  I don't understand the struggles. I am telling anyone what is acceptable, I am simply defining my acceptable. 

I know I'm not a "normal" person in today's world.  I understand that I am different.  I'm starting to question if the world might need more odd balls like me.  I am not trying to win any popularity contests, I don't really care about most of the things that matter so much to folks these days.  Come to my house and you are probably going to be a bit stunned.  I'll fix you a cup of tea, coffee, ice water - you name it - might be a bit lean on alcohol, but hey, we'll manage.  And then we can chat, we can explore tons of topics or ideas.  Just brace yourself. 

It's not pristine clean, it's healthy.  And possibly a bit chaotic for those that thrive on order and perfection.

My kitchen island is where I do a lot of my daily work.  There you will find an assortment of jars.  Some with healing mixtures, a tincture here or there.  Home made dog treats abound. Of course there will be the odds and ends of my freeze drying adventures, the samples waiting to be snacked on or used up. 

On the kitchen table (the one we never eat at) you will find an assortment of plastic plates with my chicken scratch on them telling you what seed is drying where. Currently they are all flowers, I might have developed a mild obsession.  The purple hulled peas finally finished drying and were put in storage jars today, so that space is clear for the next project. 

The freeze dryer is running and I filled trays of freshly harvested produce ready for the next batch.  I'm having to work quickly to be able to preserve the goodness before the season is over.  I want to be sure that my trips to a grocery store are few and far between.  I've become a bit radical about watching the chemicals that we consume, place on our skin or feed the pups. I try to control as much of it as I possibly can I'm tired of being a test subject for companies to make millions off of. 

My spare time is usually spent doing research on a myriad of topics that are no longer taught.  I refuse to throw in the towel and conform to this sterile and controlled world we seem to be evolving into. Learning about things that are important, yet hard to find information on is inspiring and educational. 

For example, Hubs had an appointment with his doc this week, he was curious to see her take on his thyroid.  A month ago, it was as swollen and painful as ever, the medication didn't seem to be helping at all.  I did a ton of research and asked him to trust my crazy.  He did.  For three weeks he's been applying the cream to his neck.  Doesn't seem like a long time does it?  Surprisingly, it's enough time that there has been dramatic shrinkage, to the point his doc took notice.  To the point that after many years of medication, it's possible that he will have it reduced at the next visit in eight short weeks. Sometimes the old ways are still the best.

I crave learning things that we are being asked or guided to forget.  Primarily because there is no profit to it (FYI - every time I see the word profit - my brain shows me a snippet of one of the Star Trek series - I don't remember the characters names - just the green skin and the huge ears - talking about how worthless something was because of the lack of profit - weird).

I will spend hours lost in those crazy, places.  They used to be lonely.  They used to be places where only those of us that are different spent time. Those of us that have never really fit in could spend hours there unnoticed.  Now they are brimming with brilliant people that are blowing the dust off of old texts and digging into the mysteries of the past, questioning and searching for actual answers.  Striving to be more connected to their own lives. It's fun and exciting to explore and learn.

I know I am avoiding the world for the most part, I hate it.  I want to be a part of it, I want to contribute to it's healing, I just don't think we're at the healing stage right now.  For now, I'm staying in my bubble.  I'll create, learn, expand my knowledge base and wait. The past is full of answers to move forward into the future with, if we look. 

Someday, we might just get to that healing point.  To a place where the different ones like me, have things to share with those that are searching.  I'll keep looking for the rest of my tribe and being generous with the ones I find.  Until then...

I unearthed a sweater that I started almost 4 years ago and it is my current project that I focused on completing. 

when you play so hard,
 you fall fast asleep

Don't mind me, I'm over here praying (as is my belief) and doing whatever I can to make this world a softer, kinder more loving place to be.... 

talk to you later... 

stay faithful...

b

reality is harsh...

I hate having a feeling of human helplessness.  That is what I am feeling today.  I'm struggling to do anything except pray and watch the news.  

Yesterday was a fabulous day, full of sunshine and family fun.  I found it strange that so many folks on so many different platforms were all saying how they had a strong sense of foreboding. It was a busy productive morning, followed by an afternoon of romping in the sunshine with our pups. The sky was a brilliant blue, the temperature was incredible and the pups had a blast, even getting in the water for a bit of a swim.  

Hubs and I basically disconnected for a few hours, we found paths we'd never taken and saw beauty in everything. Our babies were loving life and were so worn out from the day of fun that they slept soundly almost from the moment we arrived home. The moon was just rising as we cleared the last turn to our home and Hubs and I paused for a moment to consider a picture, only to realize that no camera could capture that incredible beauty.  

I was killing time waiting for the my canning to finish.  I had decided the last bit of cooking could wait until the evening.  I was just scrolling through different platforms, ignoring the fact that the Grammy's were taking place and entertaining myself to stay awake.  That fresh air was working on me too. 

A small voice reminded me to check Dutchsince's channel, I have mentioned him before.  My youngest lives in an earthquake prone area and it brings me a sense of calmness to pay attention to what is going on in the world.  There have been quite a few folks forecasting some massive earthquakes, so... ya know... it's a mom thing. 

It was close to 9 pm, I'm not sure how close, but close. I don't have family or friends in Turkey or Syria, it doesn't matter.  My heart stilled for a moment when I heard of the tragedy unfolding there.  As I listened to a livestream, detailing the chaos and destruction happening half a world away, I held my breath and prayed.  

It hasn't even been 24 hours since the earthquakes started, I've lost count of how many have happened. I don't trust the USGS, they hide the truth too often, so I am not sure how powerful either of the two major ones have been.  Somewhere between 7.8 and 8.1.  The destruction and death are surreal. 

I'm deeply saddened by the fact that our country isn't even reporting on it.  They are absolutely ignoring it.  Far more important to waste time talking about the price of eggs and the vile Grammy's. I know that I personally cannot do a thing for the people impacted so far away.  Nothing in the physical realm. 

I've been praying.  It's all there is for us. 

I've seen heartbreaking photo's of babies being rescues, children being pulled from the rubble. My heart is hurting for the number of still bodies being pulled from beneath high rises. Fires are erupting everywhere, buildings are crashing to the ground with each quake.  I watched a video of the seniors from a nursing home sitting outside, barely clothed in the snow, crying for help and comfort.  The suffering is unreal. 

My heart is hurting even more from the callous comments.  The hatefulness is unbelievable.  And yet, even people I normally respect and listen to are acting as if a massive horrible natural disaster has not taken place.  The are still talking about politics, mundane jabs at performers (honest or not...).

My pups seem to feel something isn't right in the world.  Neither of them has been more than a few feet from me since yesterday.  Beau slept with his body touching mine all night, Belle came over and touched me numerous times during the night. Today, both of them are near me.  Stopping me from everything I am trying to accomplish.  Talking.  Especially Belle, she's been "talking" at nothing all morning. 

I'm listening to my wind chimes ringing loudly. There have been several mild by comparison earthquakes here in the US today.  One in Buffalo and one in the same area of Pennsylvania/Ohio that there was a train derailment just a few short days ago. The world is in chaos on a natural level.  Even half a world away it feels ominous. 

Now it looks like the earthquakes are spreading across that region of the world.  Accurate information is not flowing out for the world, they are too busy trying to survive to be on any form of media. I don't even have the ability to imagine the fear, horror, sadness or even the elation when a loved one is located.  I can't process it.  

I had other things I wanted to talk about today, but I simply can't.  For now, I am going to pray.  I am going to pray for El Shaddai to be there for them all. Today, I can't care about the price of groceries, the quasi Satanic ritual that appears to have played out on television last night, the minor inconveniences of life oddly out of place in the face of such destruction. 

Today, I am cuddling pups, I am praying, I am reading my Bible.  Today isn't about that stuff. 

love and prayers... 

lost...

I spent a lot of time in prayer last night.  Hubs and I decided we should watch the president speaking in Philadelphia.  We try not to live in an echo chamber, to be well versed in everything going on around us.  I mean after all it was supposedly the leader of the free world speaking to our entire country. 

I guess I should have been concerned when it wasn't broadcast on any of the network channels, I guess I'm showing my age, because I remember when the president spoke it was carried on live television.  And based on the title of the speech, it seemed that it should be something that was on all of the national channels.  I did hear it was covered on CNN, but I do not pay for any of those channels, I refuse to pay for non-stop brainwashing on either side. 

Maybe it's because I was raised in foreign countries, maybe it's because I have seen first hand the damages causes by the type of rhetoric that I listened to last night. Or maybe it was because I was listening with the intent to fully understand.  Whatever the reason, I was sick to my stomach.  I was up for half the night deep in prayer for our country and world. 

Last night was heart breaking, on top of the extremely eerie vibes of the lighting and the ambiance, which seemed deliberately set.  Whatever happened to the days of our presidents sitting in front of a fire place, chatting with us as if we were friends and neighbors. 

Last night broke my heart. Over my adulthood we have had presidents that I did not care for, their words and actions didn't align with my values. I've never even considered that gave me the right to demonize those who thought differently than I do. 

Oddly, looking through various social media last night, my blood turned cold with the hatred and go get them attitude that seemed to resonate in many places.  I prayed that those were bots, I prayed that those were simply AI, programmed to stir the pots.  I prayed that we the American people had not actually slide to the low that we were incapable of seeing through the hatred spewed in the bloody red darkness (fading to pink if you were watching CNN from the videos I watched later).  I prayed that the American people are stronger and better than all of that.  

We are God's nation.  We are strong, we are good people that care for one another.  We pull together even when we can't agree, we search for the common ground.  Aren't we?

If you changed the term the president kept repeating over and over again, to any number of other terms, it would have sent people into an actual tailspin of condemnation.  If he'd picked a religion, gender, nationality, skin color or whatever I'm sure you would have heard the echo's all around about the evilness of it all.  Instead what I am seeing is a villainization of a large portion of America, based on the fact that they do not hold the same beliefs. 

My heart wonders how much more will be attempted to shatter us, to render the very fabric of America useless. They've attempted over the decades to place wedges in between us all based on everything you could possibly list.  Color, gender, religion, thoughts, race, finances and so much more that I can't even remember.  And through it all, even though there have been blips and hiccups of horrible proportions we have managed to still retain the very fibers that make us a republic.  

America is a republic.  We are not a democracy, no matter how many times it is repeated and yelled, we are still (at least for the time being) a republic.  Each and every person regardless of their thoughts, feelings, beliefs, color, or anything else is just as important as the next.  And it feels that there is pure evil afoot that wants to change that.  That wants to send us back in time, that is laying the groundwork for what happened in Germany in 1933.  We all know how that ended. 

I don't care about any of the things they are trying to use to divide us, I am an American.  I believe in our constitution and freedoms.  I always have, I always will. I can't change this world.  I can't change hearts set on tearing others down and from striping away that which we hold most precious.  It's not possible.  

What I can do, is pray.  I am going to continue to stay in prayer.  I am going to lift up each person, I am going to continue to ask God to heal our damaged country and world. 

This is simply a reflection of my feelings and beliefs regarding what I watched last night. To me, in the course of my life experiences, those 24 minutes were filled with something completely unbecoming of an American president. They filled me with a deep sense of loss and hurt. Each of us will process it on our own, if you even watched it as it was not readily available to see.  

I'm going to spend some time out in the garden this morning.  Praying and processing the past 12 hours. 

God bless America once again, please.... 

love and peace for all!

memories and loss...

I'm not sure I'm ready to write today.  I mean I want to, but I simply don't know where to start.  Yesterday was a huge ball of emotions. Shortly after I finished writing yesterday, as I was sitting quietly and drinking my coffee, planning my next activity for the day and watching the video that would talk me through one of the projects I wanted to start on, I received a text message from my husband. It was just five words.  A friend and co-worker of ours had passed away. It was sudden, it was clearly out of the blue, and it was the last kind of text I expected to receive.

As I was struggling to process that text message, my old boss - the one I adored working for - called me.  He wanted to make sure that someone shared the news with me.  It was so painfully real in that moment. There was no longer any doubt in my mind about misunderstandings or anything of the sort.  

A great human had left this earth. 

I sat in stunned silence for quite awhile.  A million things ran through my mind, thoughts, feelings, memories and prayers all trying to overwhelm me at once.  The part that resonated the loudest was that the world had lost an absolutely amazing, loving, kind, caring human.  Someone that was genuinely humble and unselfish. I haven't seen him in almost a year, I still remember chatting with him and making plans that never came to fruition because I moved on from my career. I remember his gentle ways, how he held people up as the greatest prize on the planet.  He selflessly worked for the good of others. 

I could go on for hours about the things that I admired about him. I know I am not alone in any of those thoughts or ideals. I also think he's probably on the other side of the veil shaking his head in that way he had and telling everyone to simply stop. He wasn't about being praised.  He was about being a role model.  At least that is the man I knew. 

He wasn't afraid to have the hard conversations, he didn't shy away from calling out so much of the bull that is passed around these days.  More than once I heard him reflecting on the current state in so many large urban cities and saying folks just weren't looking at things right. 

He was unique. 

He adored Hubs... Actually one of my favorite lines from him was always "how's Dubs?" He always had a ton of stories about things with "Dub", conversations they had or pranks that he was sure Hubs had instigated - regardless of how many times I told him that he hadn't. 

As I am reflecting on him and wishing him a well earned rest, I am also thinking about his passion for helping his fellow man.  Didn't matter if you were rich or poor, your skin color was inconsequential, religion, gender, all of it was meaningless.  I never once saw him react in anything but a kind and loving manner to all.  He truly cared.  Even when he'd encountered a situation that truly should and could have enraged him and given him right to feel hatred, he chose to be the bigger man. To look at the situation through eyes of compassion.  He was angry, he was hurt and he was completely disrespected, but he didn't approach it from there, he handled in inside his heart and moved forward with more determination than ever to spread love, peace, joy and compassion. 

I will forever be grateful that I had the opportunity to know such a precious soul, to experience all that he was and to know there is pure goodness in this world. 

I started to work on a project that was mindless, I needed the time to process my feelings, my thoughts and smile through tears at my memories.  Scrubbing and scrapping glue from the box it had been on for over 70 years helped.  It wasn't perfect, but it was distraction. 

Today is a new day.  I've read a few of the memories folks have shared.  I've processed.  I've shed a few tears and applied an emotional salve to my heart.  Eventually we will receive the news of his memorial service, eventually Hubs and I will pay our respects.  That will be the day it is truly real, that will be a moment of celebration for a life truly well and unselfishly lived, that is the day that will be the hardest because that will be the day it becomes truly real. 

For now, I think I will take the lessons I learned from him and work hard at putting them into practice every day.  Focus on loving your fellow man, to putting yourself in their shoes and when you see something that can help alleviate their challenges, do it. Don't let the media or other people tell you what is needed, experience and see it with your own eyes and then be the change. 

love and peace...

I'm over it...

Have you noticed it?  Have you been sitting quietly watching it happen?  I'm guilty.  I think we all are to some extent.  Last night I was furious.  I was weary and worn out.  I tried to write this last night, but the anger was far too evident and unrestrained.  I decided that I needed to breathe, to take a moment and sit with my feelings.  To process my thoughts. 

For a long while now, I have observed the silencing of voices.  I have watched in horror as even my own voice has been hushed for the general peace that I thought it would bring. Because I do not like conflict, I don't like arguments or discord.  Both of those things feel like razors to my soul.  I am rapidly reaching my own personal precipice. I am reaching the point that my own temper is nearing boiling. I am fed up with the things that are becoming the norm. It makes me absolutely sick. 

Last night was when things really started to wear me down, I had a hard time even going to sleep, so much was rattling in my brain.  Who even knows if history is real or simply another make believe story, it's always told from the perspective of the victor, so who knows what is real and what is designed as predictive story telling?  The same thing is true of the news, books, and magazines.  Don't get me started on the brainwashing facilities that we call schools. 

Yesterday I attempted to respond to a discussion on Nextdoor, it was in regards to another proposed new tax.  Because the city is concerned that they are not getting as much income as they feel they deserve to offer you the services that they do.  The mayor himself was in the discussion, saying how it was only fair to local businesses that other businesses outside of our city have to charge us additional taxes also.  I spent an hour trying to reply, to ask questions - their site is horrible, it was worse than typing back in the day of dial up service.  I know it was only their site, because I was bouncing to another site while waiting for the words I'd typed to show up.  After much thought and time I was ready to post.  Only to be asked if I wanted to risk publishing it because it wasn't nice to question our political leaders.  EXCUSE ME?  I read their guidelines once again, and decided that I hadn't violated any of them with my questions and thoughts and hit post anyway.  Immediately my post disappeared.  Evidently asking intelligent questions regarding a proposal that will impact my bottom line is a no go.  No worries, FYI I'm voting no.  I am sick and tired of the continual raise to taxes.  Add up the cost of taxes to every dollar you have... it's staggering. 

Have you noticed that logging into Facebook on your phone you get a notice that you are only seeing "relevant" stories?  I'm sorry, but who gives you the right to determine what is relevant to me?  Groups I have followed for years no longer show up in my feed and I can't force them to, I have to go and look for them if I am interested.  Newsflash, I wouldn't have started following them if I wasn't interested.  And for the record Meatball is a beautiful pitbull that I have followed his whole life, and it's none of their damn business why I follow it!

I have family members, that have blocked family, have shut them down for not having the same basic thought process.  They have been ugly and cruel because of people not agreeing with them.  It makes me sick, absolutely makes me want to throw up.  When did we become robots?  When did group think become the ideal of the day?  When did it become okay to treat others in such a horrible manner simply because you don't see the world through the same lens?

I'm sick of it all.  I am tired of the lies, the hatred, the rhetoric.  I am tired of the insanity.  

One of the foodie channels I follow posted a yummy looking brownie recipe, filled with caramel and all the other goodness.  She had to pull the recipe down.  Not because of the recipe, had nothing to do with the recipe.  BUT how dare she mention that she had enjoyed the half time show in the super bowl.  I mean seriously?  She was verbally abused for that statement to the point she removed the post to stop the ugly.  What is wrong with people?  Did I enjoy the half time show, no, but that is simply because it is not the type of music that I enjoy.  That doesn't mean that I would take away that enjoyment from anyone else, I simply didn't watch it.  For pities sake people... STOP! She ultimately had to pull the same recipe one more time before the haters stopped, even removing any comment about the half time show did not stop the madness.  The final posting was simply a picture of the brownie, nothing personal on her own personal page, because you know haters. 

I am weary of haters.  I feel so sorry for those that cannot see the ugly they are inflicting.  Or the reason for it. 

My sweet Hubs called me on his drive to work.  He was astounded at two news stories that he had just heard, disgusted might be a better one.  Evidently the ATF and the Rockwood School district are pushing the turn your loved ones, former loved ones and neighbors in for not doing what they want you to do.  

"Valentine's Day can still be fun even if you broke up. Do you have information about a former (or current) partner involved in illegal gun activity? Let us know, and we will make sure it's a Valentine's Day to remember! Call 1-888-ATF-TIPS or email ATFTips@atf.gov." 

I'm seriously not even remotely sure how to take this, to process it, to even begin to understand what they are saying here. But I can assure you that every cell in my body went WTF?  And I am not saying Wednesday, Thursday, Friday... I am questioning how the first part of that statement can even exist... 

The school district is encouraging calling the FBI for anyone that does not agree with the school board decisions.  Again, excuse me?  You are elected officials, you are not gods, you need to be listening to the parents not dictating and if they disagree you want the FBI contacted?  You admitted to calling the FBI on parents, because they disagreed with you?  

What in the name of sanity is going on in this world? At what point does the insanity stop?  When do people realize that we are stronger together, that it is freaking okay to disagree on any point and no one has to be completely right? 

There is so much that is wrong in this world right now, so many lies, so much hatred, so much ugly.  Too much heartbreak.  I mean to the north of us they are basically declaring martial law because the elected leader refuses to speak with peaceful protesters... geez... 

I have said it before, but I truly have reached my breaking point.  I will continue to blog. I will continue to give as much good out as I absolutely can. If you need me, I'm here.  I simply need to step away from a lot of the ugly, it isn't serving my highest good.  Is it serving yours?  I will have a conversation and respectfully hear your opinions, thoughts and ideas as long as in that exchange you do the same.  Who knows you may present information that after careful thought and review I will adopt into my own thought processes.  Or we may both decide to respectfully agree to disagree and continue to be friends with a meaningful relationship.  

I move we bring respectful discourse back to the table, we learn to listen with our hearts and realize that we are all being lied to, that we are all being controlled.  I don't know why, but I definitely have a few ideas... 

If you need me, I will be peacefully living my life, engaged in activities that bring me joy, that fill my soul with love and a deep sense of fulfillment. 

To steal a line from one of my favorite german shepherds... "B out"... 

love and peace...

roads not traveled...

Another Monday.  A promise of rain.  A promise of lower temperatures.  And always the promise of better things to come. 

I haven't felt like writing for a variety of reasons.  I'm angry, I'm actually flat out pissed off and I am afraid that I will violate my own rules for my blog.  So I've been sitting silently and stewing on my thoughts and feelings. Trying to decide if speaking my truth will do the very things I have avoided doing for a long time. 

I've also been trying to be busy and helpful around the house.  I am able to move so much better and I am looking forward to my appointment with my surgeon tomorrow. Each day I am able to walk more like a human and less robotic, I am able to stand for longer periods of time, I am able to do more and more around the house.  I have actually been cooking at least 50% of our meals again.  Talk about feeling accomplished.  I'm still struggling with how much longer it takes me to do things right now, the slowness, the need to rethink everyday tasks.  But each day, I feel far more empowered and capable. 

I ran out of sleep around 3 am today, I tried diligently for an hour to fall back asleep, but the world and life were insistent that they were taking over my thoughts. At 4 am I gave up.  Hubs was awake, there was no reason to lie there and pretend that my mind wasn't moving at the speed of sound, finding more and more to ponder when I was pleading with it to hush. But I had slept for 7 hours, the exhaustion from yesterday had me sound asleep by 8. 

So much was accomplished over the course of the weekend, that if felt like far more than 2 short days.  Sweet Hubs got to take his boat out for his maiden fishing trip.  He had wanted to wait for me, but that hardly seemed fair or reasonable.  Instead he spent the wee hours of Saturday down at Trout Lodge with his buddy "slaying them".  The change in his attitude was evident immediately.  I hated not being able to join them, even to just sit on the dock and enjoy the beauty around me, but I knew it was asking too much from a leg that I had already been pushing the limits on. 

I took advantage of the time to finish up one of my hand worked blocks and let my leg rest.  It needed it. It's odd how sometimes being here at the house alone feels like a prison sentence.  I want nothing more than to be able to leave, to go and be part of the life I feel is happening outside my door.  And other times, it feels like a precious gift.  A sanctuary that feels protective, warm and safe. 

I guess I am moving firmly into that chop wood and carry water phase of life.  

I've had to turn off all news and television.  My heart is aching too much.  I am angry.  Thirteen young lives are over.  Most of those young troops that lost their lives weren't even old enough to have their first legal drink.  Funny, we can ask you to shed blood for our country, but our country doesn't feel you are old enough to have a cold one after work - I mean come on you can't possibly be mature enough to handle that before 21. 

There are many times that I get way in my feelings where our government is concerned.  I get so pissed off that people will trade "security" for freedoms.  I become numb when I start to consider it. I would rather be a free human, making my own life choices (good, bad or indifferent) than be a part of a society that marches in lock step at our leaders commands.  For years, I have quietly watched (well unless you are one of my very dear friends that knows my heart).  For years, I have played the game.  I'm getting damn tired of playing the game. 

I am a military brat, former spouse and wife of a veteran.  To me the blood spilled in Afghanistan is family blood.  There are far too many unanswered questions that people are closing their eyes and minds to that make this far less a tragic "accident" and far more likely a planned or assisted event.  

Thirteen families are altered forever.  Thirteen brave young people are gone.  Because of what?  Stupid decisions.  I'm sorry when you are the leader of the country you don't get to make stupid decisions. 

I still am not at a point that I can clearly process any of this.  The fact that it is even happening is surreal.  The fact that people are not opening their eyes, questioning what is before them, boldly asking what the hell is going on?  I am stunned.  I am in shock.  I am mute. 

Each time I see a table set and reserved for those thirteen individuals my eyes fill with tears, my heart breaks a bit more. And yet we continue to let our leaders - the people that should be speaking for us, but aren't even remotely doing it, talk over the hurt and sadness. 

August 26, a mere 4 days ago.  With credible intelligence that it was going to happen.  Oddly enough the current leader of our country had mentioned that ISIS would be a threat very soon, just days before they were. Yet we couldn't even respectfully ask for flags to be lowered in their honor for a full 24 hours.  How hard is that?  We seem to lower them non-stop anymore, for anyone. There is simply too much that fails to remotely make sense. 

I can't change any of it right now. I can pray for the families affected by this.  I can fuss and fidget over the stupidity that is swirling around me.  I can wonder at the level of disconnection that people are displaying.  We've become so caught up in the everyday world, in the sleep, work, eat, sleep world that we somehow feel is what we are here for that we are missing so much of what is going on around us. 

I have strong feelings regarding so much of what is going on in this crazy world right now, but at the same time, I feel my voice is powerless. 

So again back to chopping wood and carrying water. 

I will continue to stand strong in the things that matter to me, I will continue to push where I can, and walk away from things that do NOT serve me and my family. I will continue to pray, because God is far more powerful than all of this. And I will continue to have hope for mankind.  I don't believe any of what is going on is just an American problem, I firmly believe it is a global problem.  We are being led somewhere that we will one day wake up in shock and wonder how we got there. Or maybe so many have already given up their God given freedoms to the point that they will be happy with where they are headed. 

Just like a frog in a slowly warming pot of water, he will eventually die from it, but because it is so gradual he never notices. 

I know this is disjointed.  I know it is rambling.  I am truly trying to wrap my head around a world and country that I do not recognize. 

Thank you for reading, if you are a prayerful person - the world needs you now more than ever.  

I think I am going back to cleaning... I don't have the heart to stay where my mind is right now.... 

touching down...

We finally stopped late last night.  It would have been a much earlier night, but Hubs accidentally put the wrong city in the GPS and after two hours of wild back roads and craziness with our new toy we arrived at our destination several hours later than planned. But we arrived. 

Climbing into bed last night was incredible our insanity had led us to being on the road almost non-stop for two days.  Hindsight being 20/20 we should have probably hit a local shop bought toothbrushes and toothpaste, called the kids and rescheduled dinner and stayed the night.  We simply didn't want to miss out on the opportunity to see them. 

Kind of like driving to Arkansas for a bit of time over two days with the California kids, I mean, you just do it. I would have loved to have gone back for a bit more time with them these past couple of days, but their schedule was simply too fluid and we didn't want to intrude. This was Dad's visit, not ours, so needless to say, we didn't want to intrude. 

These past eleven days have been the longest, the slowest and yet the fastest I have ever encountered in my life. I couldn't write about it for a bit, I had to process it.  I had to be okay with everything. To find the blessings in the missteps and realize that everything happens for a reason.  

The day before we left for our vacation we sold the Harley.  It was a very difficult decision, but Hubs' hip replacements didn't get agree with even a couple hours on the road and my knees made riding miserable for me.  I never did tell him, but the pain was pretty horrid when we would ride, I just kept hoping for the best and kept quiet.  I knew how much he loved to ride. We still had the convertible for wind therapy so... it was all good. 

The first day of our vacation started with the loss of my beetle.  I know, it's just a car, but if you know me well, you know it was very special to me. Hubs and the middle (formerly oldest) grand were out driving while we awaited the Cali kids arrival.  It was hot and humid, time seemed to be standing still as it always does when you are waiting for something amazing. 

The drive to Arkansas had been glorious, it was the first time Hubs had made the journey in the convertible with the top down, the threatened rain never happened and the temperature was perfect!

When I got the call a few hours after we arrived, my heart might have stopped for a moment.  "I've had an accident, we're okay, but you need to come and get us".  My husband and grand daughter in an accident.  My car.  It would be days before it all played out, my beautiful blue bug will eventually be sold for someone to salvage - the damage is mostly cosmetic - unfortunately when you hit a fence at 50 mph and you fly over a culvert a lot of things deploy that make it a poor financial decision to keep it. 

Accidents happen.  And I guess I wasn't meant to have it forever, even if that was my original plan.  I've cried a million tears, I've run the gamut from fear, relief, extreme anger and hurt back to acceptance.  Only positive lessons learned, is my sweet Hubs can be a knucklehead - but only with the absolute purest heart, my grand daughter is a loving human that had the crap scared out of her.  The safety features of my beloved bug, protected my precious family to the extent of only a few scratches and some aches for a couple of days.  And finally, if you are in the market for new car - I highly recommend that final edition collectors version.  Who knew a car could appreciate. 

The Cali kids arrived a few short hours later, which probably immensely helped my ability to process and deal.  Disaster immediately followed by pure joy, is like that spoonful of sugar helping the medicine go down. 

We had two glorious days with the Cali kids, we laughed, we boated, we hugged, we shared joy, we talked about a million things, we shared smiles and more laughter.  It was good for the soul.  I miss my Cali kid so much! I feel whole when I have both my babies with me. 

Somehow in the midst of it all, we arranged our journey home.  Do you know there is a rental car shortage?  Oh there definitely is!  I called every single rental agency in the greater Little Rock area - not a single car was available for over two weeks.  Oh yeah, and a bus trip would be 17 hours and 45 minutes - you think I will ever complain about the 5.5 hours it takes to drive there again? Nope. 

We checked trains to no avail and finally decided we could fly.  Hubs came up with that great idea!  Thank goodness.  As Hubs was searching for flights, I was praying for a non-stop, I don't mind flying - I hate layovers!! He found a lot of great rates (far less than a rental car would run) somehow my numb brain remembered I actually have frequent flyer miles, left over from those precious "pre-pandemic" days when I could fly to Cali to see the kiddo's.  

I am pretty sure that was the moment that cleared the fog, the moment that said stop feeling bad and look at the silver lining waiting for you.  We were able to get a flight home on the day we needed to leave, non-stop and for the outrageous price of $11.20 for the both of us. I almost fainted!  I assure you I kept checking to make sure it wasn't a joke or scam.  Nope, for reals!

With the help of my family we took care of the details of my car, rides to and from the airport, Mom came to the rescue when the tow company would only accept cash, my nephew runs the salvage yard that received it and did everything he could to try and save it. My Hubs and daughter offered to help me fix her.  The blessings abounded. 

And if I had stayed in that fussy, okay bitchy, mood I would have missed it all. 

I was looking forward to the Cali kids coming up here to the Lou, but plans changed.  At first my heart stung, I was rushing around trying to get everything ready.  Looking forward to spoiling them a bit, making his schnitzel and just enjoying some one on one time.  But Dad and his side of the family hadn't seen them in a long while and wanted to hold on to their precious time and the kids needed it too. 

I spent a few moments pouting, my heart hurting.  Simply because I have missed them so. After a call from my girl, I started to heal, I understood. Looking at my to do list, I realized that their decision had given me the blessing of time. I hadn't been sure how I was going to get everything done before leaving to Kentucky to meet up with Hubs' Big Sis.  They had given us the gift of time.  We'd only be in town for two days and had so much to get done before leaving again. 

I received the call that my car was a total loss on the drive to Paducah.  That was a blow to the solar plexus.  I was expecting it, I knew it the moment I saw her for the first time after the accident, but to hear it.  Wow.  It took me about 6 hours to accept their offer.  

More blessings.  Never had a car appreciate before. Needless to say, the pay off allows us to be free of a vehicle payment when Hubs retires.  Mine and his.  I've opted to not get a car, I seriously do not go roaming about during the week and if I am desperate, my girl lives a 10 minute walk away and has two vehicles - she can't drive both at a time, all is good. Besides, in a few short days I won't be able to drive for at least a month.

We had an amazing time in Paducah, who knew such a small town could keep us so busy.  Big Sis hadn't ever been there and she is just as addicted to quilting as we are.  We'd missed her and couldn't wait to see her.  And finally deliver Lucille to her.  We'd planned on doing some sewing while there so we'd taken Sophia and Marty (Hubs' featherweight) with us, needless to say, it didn't happen. There was simply too much to do!  

Hubs and I arrived early, so we explored some to the quirky shops that speak to my heart.  I was able to get a reading with one of my favorites at Wildhair Studio's Rock Shop (if you are ever there... stop in, Susan and her team are incredible and the energy is healing!) My reading was enlightening and healing.  I needed it more than I realized. Christina is awesome if you go!

We found several artisan's shops that filled my heart to the brim.  And sat for a bit in the cigar bar sipping bourbon.  A first for me, but why not. I needed time to show Hubs my new treasures from the Rock Shop, a breathtaking sphere of labradorite (for courage and strength) and of course a new deck of cards. We were simply killing time waiting for Big Sis to arrive, and enjoying our precious time together.  Her journey was a bit longer.

It was so wonderful to have that time together with her.  I love watching Hubs blossom when he is around her, they have spent far too much time apart. And the three of us together leads to a lot of laughter, deep conversation, shenanigans and joy. We spent time swimming (pool was far too cold), talking, laughing, shopping, playing pranks, sipping moonshine (oh yes I found one I LOVE - no I didn't bring any home - another reason to go back!!), wandering the quilt museum, finding yummy places to dine and playing cards.

I hated to see the visit end.  I think that the kids changing their plans was a gift to our visit with Big Sis, it was unrushed and able to be embraced and enjoyed without guilt. It was our treasure!

Side note: HOLY MOSES if you are a quilter, or I guess just a sewing enthusiast in general, Hancock's of Paducah is an experience to not miss.  I believe we were in there for several hours. 

On Monday we finally found the camper of our dreams (unlike anything either of us had thought we wanted) and yesterday we finally brought it to St. Louis.  We were blessed again.  It's a 2019 and has only been used 3 times.  The dealer that serviced it was stunned at how new everything was.  Heck the plastic protection is still on all of the appliances. We are simply changing our recreation - we both love to camp!

Today... Hubs is back at work and I am faced with a house that has been used as a landing pad between journeys, stacks of laundry and tons of stuff to do.  I still need to deal with the few remaining bits for my car, I need to figure out the DOR and letting them know as it was due to have it's license renewed.  I have to get everything lined up and ready for when I have my surgery on the 3rd.  

In other words the world has returned. 

I was talking to one of my sisters during the chaos and she said something so profound to me.  She was definitely part of my mental shift.  I was in the midst of a pity party, my heart was still uneasy, I was feeling sorry for myself.  And she gently scolded me, she challenged me to look at things from a different lens.  I was listing the things that had appeared to be low spots in my life this year.  I was not loving 2021 by a long shot.  The covid/pneumonia and my hospital stay, the month of recovery, the stress of my former career, leaving my job, now the loss of my car and my impending knee replacement.  Yep, I was definitely having a HUGE pity party.  Yet as she switched it up for me it ended up looking like this...

* Hospital/Illness - I survived, I got to deeply rest (I was so exhausted at the time - probably why I got sick in the first place).  I was able to reset expectations of myself, to see myself as something more than a cog in the machine.

* Job - I'm happier than I have ever been.  I have had time to enjoy the things I love, spend time with my grands and family, go on trips that might not have happened, start exploring my future with clear eyes, head and heart.  I have time to take care of myself and my health, Hubs' too. 

* Car - everyone survived without injury, it paid off both vehicles and allowed us to finally make the decision to buy a camper (something we've been day dreaming about), it sets us in a great financial spot for when Hubs retires. 

* Knee - no more pain, the ability to enjoy doing the things I love again. I am able to heal and do my therapies without interruption so that I can heal completely.

If you are using the right lens in life the best things come to you. I was looking at the dirty outside, I wasn't counting the shining blessings inside that are now so obvious.  

I couldn't be more thankful.

It's been an insane 11 days.  We've packed so much into the moments.  The great, the not so great, the eye opening, the heart healing... so very, very much has happened in such a short window of time.  

I'll be honest, I am still processing.  I am still exploring every great thing this journey has brought to us.  And it's brought more than I can comprehend. 

Celebrate your life, enjoy the journey, instead of misfortunes look for what the hiccups prevented you from experiencing. And remember that each closed door was put there to invite you to look for something better that is waiting for you!