lessons learned...

Do you ever sit down at the end of the day and realize that it is almost the first time all day that you've stopped?  That you are finally not busy? Today has been a blur since I woke up.  I slept in, 7 am is not a normal wake up for me, but I was up until around 12:30 am so, I guess it all balances out. 

The day started at a rush and just kept going.  Hubs went to spend the day fishing down at Trout Lodge, he's there for a retreat for the next couple of days, but today was simply about him and a buddy spending some quality time wetting a line and talking away. 

I spent my day entertaining puppies, canning up the case of tomatoes that had to be finished today (I'm sitting here waiting for the pressure to go down so I can take the last batch out of the canner), running errands and spending a bit of time with my girl.  We don't often get to spend time just the two of us, so it was nice. 

She was gifted some boards that she thought maybe I could use to make some signs, and I do believe she is correct.  They are the kind that would make great farmhouse signs.  I went over to pick them up, visited with her for a bit, both of us got terrified by a baby snake that simple did not want to leave, we planned thinning out her catnip and mint plants, I will probably go over a couple of times this week and put some in pots for her. I helped her get her stuff out for the yard sale, she is working a bigger job this week and won't have much time, I will have time, so I spent it enjoying her company and working together. 

I had to return some tops today, I'd ordered what size I thought I would/could wear, never in a million years dreaming that I could wear an even smaller size now.  It was unbelievable to me that they were too big, I'd felt I was being overly optimistic when I ordered the size I did.  I decided while I was there I would see if they had any shorts in Hubs size, he only managed to get two pairs the day before and they were the same color.  It's summer, he needs shorts.  They did have them so I got back into line.  I stood in that line for 45 minutes.  My legs were hurting and I was tired.  I thought about saying never mind, but I felt I should stay and get them for him.  

There was a single cashier, no other help anywhere to be seen.  His tag said he was an associate in training.  If I still hired people, I would hire him in a second.  He was super polite, apologized for the delay and stayed cheerful as he worked non-stop.  I asked him if he had any help, his reply, "I hope some relief will show up soon ma'am, but I promise that I will help everyone a quickly as I can until that happens".  I was there for about an hour and a half total and he was the only employee I saw during that entire time. He smiled to everyone and acted as if taking care of them was the most important thing in the world.  I was amazed, he had every reason to be snarly, off-tempered and frustrated.  And yet, he chose to be the exact opposite. 

I left that store and went to another to pick up an order and get a couple of things for my girl.  I decided to shop first, but I was getting tired of shopping and ready to be done.  I found a line and got in it.  One person in front of me, wouldn't be too bad.  The man in front of me was in a sling and struggling to unload his cart, the cashier was so sweet and helped him out.  As he started to pay I was getting more and more tired and feeling a bit fussy inside.  I pulled out gift card after gift card to pay for his bill that was over $300, each time it lowered it by $5 - $25 dollars, I was starting to wonder if I was destined to be in the longest line all day.  Knowing, that I was done with shopping and any other plans for the day were going to have to wait.

Finally it was my turn.  I explained to the cashier that I had two separate baskets, one was mine, one was my daughters.  This opened the door for the cashier to tell me all about what she and her daughter were going through in life and how traumatic it was.  I was definitely feeling overwhelmed by the story and my need to finally be home and sitting.  I was worn and had expended far too much energy on non-productive things.  The line was growing.  I kept prodding her to complete the transaction, almost wishing I had opted for self-checkout.  I hate the way the cashier bags my purchase when I self-checkout.  Anyhow as we were wrapping up she mentioned that her daughter might have cancer and needed prayers.  I didn't think twice as I gathered my bags up and started to walk away, reassuring her that I would send up prayers for her daughter. 

It was what she said next that stopped me in my tracks for a moment.  As I said good-bye and wished her a wonderful day, she paused, smiled and then thanked me to for taking the time to listen to her. I felt horrible inside and blessed at the same time. 

Horrible for thinking that she was rambling on and wanting to leave.  Blessed because despite myself I was able to be there during a moment that she needed someone to listen. We are all here trying to make it through this crazy human experience and I almost didn't give her the grace she needed. 

Now I'm sitting here hoping the sky clears just enough for me to see some of the Lunar eclipse, Hubs has a fantastic view across the lake from his room.  I know he'll send me photo's if he can see it. I will go and pull those basil tomatoes and head up to bed shortly.  I'm worn out. 

My lessons learned today where to remember to make time for everyone.  We are all on this journey to the same destination, but following different paths and timelines.  Be that person for someone, share the kind word, listen without judgement and simply be the person you want to encounter in all of this... 

Okay, eyelids are drifting... it's time to call it a wrap... don't forget to look at the eclipse if you can see it and to listen... In a world where we can chose to be anything... please be kind. 

love and peace...

ps - all photos tonight courtesy of the Hubs.

dealing with humanness...

I don't know about you, but I am tired of ugly.  It seems the only thing the stupid lock-downs accomplished was removing even more civility and grace from society. And it wasn't like we had a lot to begin with.  It is mind numbing and makes me weary.  Maybe it is why I stay to myself, keeping my distance from most people and working on living my best life with those that I feel closest to?  I am terribly afraid that I would go crazy and suffer from lack of sleep constantly if I was still forced to be out in the world at this point. 

My daughter took a four month break from social media recently. Yes I admit I missed some of her witty comments and pictures of the grands. But I understood, sometimes we all need to step away from things that are causing us anxiety. People tend to at least show some grace and understanding when they are face to face. 

I know I have mentioned a few times that I am really trying to get to know my neighbors, after almost 8 years, I know very few, yet these are the people in my actual space bubble. I long for the days of front porches.  I yearn to have relationships that were similar to my life as a military family, where you could count on your neighbors to be your support group, to be there for you through whatever life threw at you, even from day one.  

I miss having neighbors that might have driven me nuts as their children ran through the apartment over my head at all hours, because they were also the same neighbors that rushed to your side when there was a need of any kind.  I miss those days. 

Now, if you have ever lived in military housing you probably feel I have lost my mind.  It's a tough environment, without much space for daily living.  I planted so many balcony gardens just to have a small bit of green around me.  I loathed climbing countless stairs to walk dogs, bring in groceries (ask me how I became a master at loading grocery bags for one trip), dragging my laundry up and down the stairs and praying that the family before me had left the laundry room at least semi clean and usable. I have listened to more domestic arguments than I ever needed to hear and you always knew which kids spent the most time in trouble. 

Looking back on it all though, I might have rose colored glasses.  

I lived on military bases that were bombed, when 9/11 happened (wanna talk about being locked down...), through potential tsunami's (close enough to the beach that I could see it from my bedroom window).  I lived on bases where the military members were deploying constantly, where you could be evacuated at any moment, where you were taught to look under your car with a mirror to insure that it didn't have bombs, where you didn't flinch when your doctor showed up to examine you in full chem-gear. I experienced having power of attorney's to act as guardian for single parents in case of deployment. I lived on an island where the groceries didn't arrive on a regular basis and by the time they did some of it would be stale and crushed.  I could probably list the things I have experienced for days and it would make it sound horrible and sad. 

Yet, what I remember was the friendships, gathering our kids together for play dates or crafts, being there when someone suffered a loss, watching each others kids and/or dogs, everyone rallying together to make sure that everyone had enough, people cared about one another.  There were welcome gifts and frankly committees that made sure everyone got welcomed and knew the lay of the land on day one.  

If your car broke down someone would always offer you a ride, because getting them fixed or replaced wasn't always as easy as it is today. I remember my car being in the shop for a full month, I needed wheel bearings or something like that replaced.  I also remember thinking at the time, thank goodness my beater car is an Audi and this is Germany, it won't take any time at all, and should be pretty cheap (the car only cost $2500) well, evidently that meant nothing. Because it was in the base shop so all the parts had to come from the US and the cost was doubled because of it. I was without transportation for a long while with a newborn and a 6 year old and deployed husband.  My neighbors never missed a beat, they were always by my side helping to carry the load. 

We volunteered in the community to make sure we had everything we needed.  I am still friends with some of those folks, from over 40 years ago, we might not see one another often or at all as we are like dandelion petals and are scattered around the globe.  But if one of us needs something, we are all there to help. A few have drifted out of my life, but I would still be there for them the minute they called. 

The reason I am walking down memory lane, is because of where we are now.  Today.  In this time on our planet.  It is making me so nostalgic for the past. Everywhere I turn there is more divisiveness, people show little to no compassion, grace, understanding or care for their fellow humans.  It's the lowest time I have ever experienced and I don't feel it is getting any better.  In fact I would say it is getting more and more bitter. 

I was looking over our neighborhood Facebook page.  Scrolling back through days and weeks of posts.  It was heartbreaking.  It was full of negative and slightly aggressive comments and behaviors. Assumptions that everything is out there to make you angry or to inconvenience someone. 

That the feral cats are needing to be rounded up and gotten rid of, don't think about the fact that someone has taken care of them for years, they are all fixed and not harming anyone - but hey sorry they were sunning themselves on your deck - definitely round them up and take them to be destroyed. 

Or maybe that people aren't only walking their dogs in the common area, even though there isn't a sidewalk in the common area, or maybe they are sitting their bagged poop on the side of the road to pick up on their return trip because there are no trash cans in the neighborhood to dispose of it in and holding it and and dog leash might be a challenge. Or maybe it is the fact that someone is leaving kitty treats in the common area for the local kitties. Heaven forbid a kindness is offered up.  It is complaining about this, that or the other almost non-stop.  

There were bright spots.  A neighbor asked to borrow a wheelbarrow. I would have loaned him one of my two, but we gave them to our daughter when we moved here, our yard is not wheelbarrow friendly.  I was so proud of my girl when I saw she was not only the first to reply, but she also went down and helped the neighbor move all of that mulch (she was raised in a military community FYI). Or the warning about the car parked right near the entrance, our subdivision has a odd entrance if approaching from the left and it's off a busy, busy road. Sadly there was an accident caused by that individual parking there, even sadder was the neighbor that said the person that got hit should have been more careful, instead of having an issue with a car parked in a location that was dangerous. 

There are sometimes uplifting things.  Other's it is just plain ugly. 

I'm simply tired of ugly.  I have reached the point that I don't want to walk my babies in the neighborhood, afraid that their existence is going to offend someone.  Heck, I don't want to walk in my own neighborhood because of the fact that people are just so darn ugly at times.  Half of them act offended if you say hello, the other half are offended if you didn't see them and say hello.  It's insane. 

I want to be part of a community.  I want to lift up and support my neighbors.  Watch each other's houses, mow each other's lawns when something is stopping them from mowing it themselves.  I want to share stuff from our gardens and step in to help when needed. Heck, in 8 years I have not once had a neighbor knock on my door to borrow a cup of sugar!  Am I that unapproachable? Are they?

I'm guilty of the same.  I get annoyed when the neighbors on the other side of the cul de sac have 10 cars parked on both sides of the street, and it is almost impossible to get through to my own driveway.  Although I was incredibly sad that the neighbors having work done on their deck felt they needed to personally deliver a letter of apology for the inconvenience the trailer for the contractor might have caused. 

I'm not a fan of the garden boxes the neighbors have randomly plopped in their front yard, they are huge, unsightly and just.... no words.  I don't like that every Wednesday - late Thursday I am picking up garbage from the neighbors down the street that just pile empty boxes and containers on top of an open trashcan without a care that they will be everywhere within an hour.  I might have celebrated when the corner neighbor put the for sale sign in his front yard - thankful that I would no longer be listening to him dropping heavy weights, refusing to mow his grass and leaving his gate open so his dog chased us. Yes, I am guilty just the same.  

Those things annoy me. But the reality is, there isn't much parking on our street and we do have several families that leave vehicles sitting there for weeks on end, maybe there is a reason?  Maybe their grown children had to move back home?  Maybe their parents had to move in?  Or they are staying with an elderly family member. Grace is not all that common any longer. 

Maybe the neighbors with the garden boxes are struggling to make ends meet and as a result are hoping to grow some of their food to supplement their income and their backyard is like my front yard - very little sunshine or space. 

For the trash folks... I am still struggling to find a positive for that, although I know the lady that lives there is very elderly and frail and has family members staying with her to take care of her.  Maybe they are finding enough time to get the trash out and that is all?  Or they may not even realize it is blowing away because other's are picking it up. 

We are all flawed humans.  We are all suffering with our humanness. We do things that might annoy, seem thoughtless, or actually be thoughtless without realizing it.  It seems that all the two years of shutdown and disconnection have taught us is that we do not have to treat others kindly, forget about having grace or compassion. I am also seeing that many of those that are lashing out, are the very ones that were lashed at in the past.  Do two wrongs make a right?  Did I miss that lesson somewhere? 

None of us are perfect, none of us do the right thing all the time (because right depends on the interpretation of someone else), none of us are an island unto ourselves.  Maybe it's time for a few less rules, a bit less rigidness and a lot more understanding, care and compassion. I'm tired of the insanity, the ugly, the selfishness.  

I guess I need to spend some time processing where my feelings are, and then... wasn't it Gandhi that said to be the change you want to see in the world?  I was so impressed with the woman that manages our community Facebook page, because she flat out called everyone out, it's time for a kinder, gentler and more loving world.  Step up people!  I am working on doing the same!

love and peace... 

rolling in...

So much going on lately makes no sense to me.  People are angry and full of hatred, driving on the streets is hectic and stressful. So much road rage and frustration.  We spent days away from it all, the small towns that we frequented were so different than the bigger city I live in.  We wandered aimlessly, in and out of small stores, we chatted with people and enjoyed our travels. 

Since being home there is so much discord everywhere we go.  People are not speaking to each other, they are fussy.  It feels like a pressure cooker.  I am not a fan of this current state of affairs. I already miss the peace of last week. 

Running errands today was stressful, we made the mistake of stopping in a Walmart, never my favorite, but we were short on time and it would be one stop.  Besides the Walmart down in the country was delightful, oh how quickly one forgets reality. 

I am not a fan of all the self-checkouts.  Nor do I love waiting for an extended period of time for someone to come over when it doesn't work right.  And the constant rearranging of the aisles is enough for insanity. It wore me out.  Finding five items (two of which they didn't have) and checking out took over an hour.  So very, very frustrating.  Listening to how unhappy everyone around me was... ugghhh...

I am questioning so many things right now.  But mostly I am taking a deep breath and stepping back.  I am finding the best way of dealing with the shifts in people is to literally step away.  I long to find myself walking in the sunshine on a trail far from the crabby chaos. 

I am listening to the sound of a storm trying to roll in, it's needed.  The air is charged with electricity, it's stale and humid.  It's also warm, it almost hit 80 today. All of those things signals an impending storm.  It might head south of us, but being under a tornado watch for the majority of the day definitely doesn't make the intensity in people any smoother. 

Sweet Hubs will return to work tomorrow, this has been the fastest week ever.  To see the look on his face tonight while we were at a party for a friends one year old grand-daughter when he realized it was Sunday night was heart-breaking.  He loves his job and his team, but precious time off seems to simply fly past.  His plate will be full tomorrow, it always is when you return from a week away. 

I will stay in my quiet bubble tomorrow.  Doing my chores, decompressing from the stress of angry people, and working on the quilt I was commissioned to do.  There is so much to accomplish and it will definitely be "that kind of Monday" here at the house.  Although, I am actually looking forward to catching up and getting organized.  

I have been so blessed to spend many wonderful hours with people that I love and care deeply about.  It's the strangers that can be so unkind that I don't understand.  While we were down on the Meramec there was a road rage incident here in town that made my blood run cold.  Two men in their early 70's actually pulled off the road to "discuss" things.  The end result... after what appeared to be a fist fight, one of them climbed into their car and used it as a weapon to run the other over several times.  Both of these men will spend the rest of their lives in less than ideal circumstances, one has a very long recovery that will no doubt result in pain for the remainder of his life, the other is most likely prison bound.  

I can't believe it is the full moon causing this insanity, it didn't just occur.  Everywhere you turn or look there is simply more of this courageousness.  What is it going to take to get humans treating one another decently again?  Where is all this bitterness and angst coming from?  Lack of oxygen or the fear mongering all sources of media? Are they simply unable to step back and look into their hearts?  There are thefts, beatings, foul words, and hatred spewing everywhere.  It's like the world is walking on eggshells and has no idea how to right oneself. 

Here's a start... turn off your television.  Same thing with the radio. Stop and have a few conversations with strangers, we are far more alike than different....

So much to ponder.  To think through and process. 

I'm thankful for the peace that I have.  I'm thankful for the joy I find in my day to day life. I am looking forward to self-isolating for a few days.  I need to space to reset after these past two days of peopling. 

Love and peace everyone... 

weary...

I'm tired.  Simply tired.  Not physically, emotionally.  I'm tired of this phase our world is going through.  A phase where love and grace seem to be foreign words and feelings.  A phase where bullying is okay, were little to no thought is being given to the path others are walking before speaking our words and minds. 

It must be exhausting to live a perfect life.  One that has never been touched by anything painful or negative.  To be blessed with all of the answers and the perfect responses to everything. 

And it seems to be pervasive.  Every bit of life is overly full of negativity and hurtful behaviors. People that are full of would, should's and could's without a thought about the pain it is bringing another. 

I follow a couple of food blogs on Facebook, and I am stunned at the comments that show up daily, sometimes hourly.  These are simply people sharing recipes, trying to help others along a path to greater health.  If you aren't interested or it doesn't work for you, walk away. There is no reason to attack and write hateful comments.  Those are people writing and sharing, doing it out of the goodness of their hearts - but by all means - speak your hurtful truth if it makes you feel better.  So you didn't like it, okay.  I've made recipes that ended up being the opossums dinner, I never felt the need to go on the attack. 

It seems like every Facebook post, Nextdoor post, tweet or, well you get the picture, there is someone ready to jump in and be a keyboard bully.  Is your life so miserable, are you so afraid, are you so unable to reason through what was written that your first reaction needs to be an attack?  We've lost the ability to have a decent human conversation.  I remember a time when if you didn't agree, you could speak your mind respectfully, have a conversation of pros/cons and move on.  Still treating one another kindly and with compassion. 

Sort of like: 

>> I love cauliflower, it is so versatile and nutritious.

>>> I am not a fan, the mouthfeel is disturbing to me, I prefer to avoid it. 

>> hmmm... I can see where you would feel that way, can I offer you something else. 

And then dinner moves on.  Today it will evolve quickly into personal attacks and hatred. And yes I understand that example was a bit simplistic, but that was entirely my point. 

We are becoming a society afraid to speak our truth (no matter what it is) out of fear of what will come out of it. Is the person I am talking to going to lose their minds?  Are they going to be disrespectful?  Will they value my feelings as I am attempting to value theirs? Will my thoughts and feelings be disregarded because I am not walking in lockstep with their thoughts and feelings?

I truly am exhausted.  

I have several people that I love that are climbing personal mountains, ya know the Mount Everest type.  Life is throwing boulders at them, and solutions are few and far between. I don't have answers for any of them.  I have never walked in their shoes or carried the burdens that they are being asked to carry. All I know is that they are doing their damn best to hold it together and carry on.

Heck, I have friends that are battling things that I personally have battled.  I have walked in similar shoes, I have carried those boulders.  But the truth of the matter is that each and everyone of us is on a very personal journey through this crazy thing called life. Just because I have had a similar struggle through an illness that is the same, I have not walked in their shoes.  

I can only offer support, grace, a safe place to unload the baggage that they are carrying and pray with them.  Focus on them when I meditate and do everything I can to elevate their energy to make the journey a bit lighter.

Sure, I might share things that worked for me in a similar situation, if asked - but it will be more along the lines of a question, have you tried this or that? What research have you done?  What have you tried? And I will always offer to send them crystals... because in my world crystals make everything better. 

When I hear of someone being ugly, it breaks my heart. It's even more painful when they acknowledge that they are going to be ugly and you simply need to listen anyhow. 

I'm so very tired of ugly. 

Our entire world is hurting right now, for a myriad of different reasons.  And your truth is no more true than mine or the next person's.  We each have different things we are here to learn, different lessons and growth opportunities. 

I firmly believe that until we have slightly dipped our toe into someone else's pool, we cannot understand even on a surface level the feelings they are dealing with. Yet when we listen with compassion with the intent to understand, magic happens. 

I remember a long time ago, I struggled with speech.  The stress of my life at the time, the burden to try and hold it together caused a lot of problems.  I was incredibly hard to understand, my stupid tongue did not want to work, it felt frozen. I remember having tears burn in my eyes, willing them not to fall, when people couldn't understand me.  When I struggled to even order a cup of coffee.  I remember refusing to be in a situation where I had to speak, shoot I even told sweet Hubs that I wouldn't talk to him on the phone because he wouldn't understand me (FYI I did, he didn't - before we got married).  I remember my sweet 10 year old (at the time) son, losing his temper and telling off the cashier when she scolded me for failing to learn English when I came to this country.  Umm... I am definitely American born - wanna see my birth certificate?

I was tired and we'd been traveling a long time, I simply wanted a cup of fresh coffee to help me through the remaining 4 hours of our drive. Because she couldn't understand me, her assumptions roared to the forefront.  My sweet boy, stood as tall as he could and corrected her rather sharply.  Normally, I would have scolded him for being disrespectful to an adult.  Given that adult was acting like a two year old, I let it ride, I was so proud of him for stepping up like that. For protecting me, but in a greater way for protecting someone unable to "speak up" for themselves.  We went across the street to gas up and get coffee, without incident.  But that moment was burned into my brain. 

Many hours of speaking to myself in a mirror, practicing and failing repeatedly led me to be able to speak properly again.  That was a long year and a half.  I used to stand at home alone in the bathroom with tears in my eyes and heart, fearful that I wouldn't recover.  Determined to prove myself wrong.  I will never forget the first time I could pronounce my own name again.  The joy was and still is indescribable.  I danced around my house repeating my name over and over again.  I had conquered that demon. 

The reason I bring it up, is because during that time I dealt with a lot of hurt and contempt from other humans. I saw first hand how horrible and without compassion many could be.  It helped me to look at the other side of each coin.  I could decide that time in my life was a curse, instead, I choose to celebrate the lessons that not only I learned, but also my sweet son. 

Fast forward twenty years... and here I am learning another lesson.  Another opportunity for grace and compassion.  Walking and standing are still a bit of a struggle for me, oh who am I kidding... they are a huge struggle.  I want to believe that I am superwoman, but the reality is the act of shopping for groceries or going to a large store can be so exhausting for me. How many times have I been frustrated with someone struggling and slowing me down in the past?  I'm ashamed to even think about it. 

I don't like to use the motorized shopping carts, I feel I should leave them for someone that truly needs them.  I will admit when I need one and there are none available for use it is super frustrating and emotionally defeating.  One thing I have noted, and I am sharing with every store manager that will listen, is that maybe if they strategically placed some seats or benches throughout the store it would be an amazing customer service. Just a spot to rest for a moment, to give a person a chance to regain their own strength. How many of those people that used to frustrate me, simply want to be strong and independent?  They don't want to be weak or ill. And definitely do not want to lean on anyone else. I have experienced this first hand now, I get it. 

I am not going to say I have loved these lessons, but I am so grateful to recognize them for what they are and to hopefully take away the things I need to learn from them. 

Grace, compassion, understanding.  These things are becoming far too rare as we move through this phase.  It's so much easier to be harsh, to act like a dictator, a know it all.  To assume that we have all the answers because our lives are going to terrific.  

Are they?  Have you truly learned every lesson?  Is your life, your home, your career, your family going so wonderful that you are the expert in life?  Is your mental state so strong that you never question anything? 

Is it really going to cost you so much to simply be there? I know so many right now that are too busy, too wrapped up in themselves to simply be there for someone in need.  It doesn't matter if it makes you personally uncomfortable. It doesn't matter if you have other plans and want to do fun stuff.  Sometimes you simply participate.  You are there. Who gives a rats...  if it isn't your cup of tea.  Stop living in your selfish world and think about what your action means to another. 

We've all been in that place where we listen to the same story over and over, where we do the same routine for someone because we know it is what they need.  I challenge each of you to look at where you are, who you talk to, what kind of vibe are you giving out.  Is it truly going to hurt anyone to simply be there?  No questions, no judgment, no ugly... just be there. 

None of us are on the same journey, each of us has things that others can never understand.  Each of us has to get to the point that we remember some of the manners we were brought up with.  Not every thought that crosses our minds needs to spill out of our mouths or keyboards.  Each of us could do a bit more of simply being there for others, whether it is comfortable or something we want to do or not. 

I am incredibly grateful for the friends and family that have been in constant contact with me during this current part of my journey, where I was not able to really return those gifts.  The friends that came and sat with me, just because.  That came to my home without any expectations and made my load a bit lighter. The those that cheered on my journey, encouraging me and lifting me up.  My sweet Hubs by my side. There were times that random text or smile made all of the difference in the world to me.

For my friends and family that have boulders falling non-stop right now.  I need you to know that I am here.  I don't have answers.  I won't pretend I do.  I am willing to do whatever I can to help lighten your load. I am even willing to take a few of those boulders for you if I can.  I will listen.  I will brainstorm with you.  I will create and hold space for you. 

For those of you that feel you are perfect... well... perfect on... but please stop hurting those of us that realize we don't have the answers, life didn't come with an instruction book and we are all doing the best we can.  And please for the love of God, remember that in order to receive compassion and grace, you have to give compassion and grace.  Because what you give out into the world will truly come back to you magnified. 

peace and love... 

the view...

I'm sitting in one of my two favorite spots, enjoying one of my favorite views.  The sitting room has a huge eastern facing bay picture window.  I can enjoy it from in there when a fire is burning.  Although my favorite place to enjoy it is from the front room.  It's perfectly framed by the arch between the rooms.  I love sitting in the darkness, the only light from the rising sun and the globe with my Dad's ashes. 

Watching a sunrise out that window from the distance feels energizing and reaffirming.  I enjoy watching the vibrant oranges, reds and golds breaking through the trees.  My plants create an indoor jungle in front of the window.  No matter the season there is a green canopy the sunrise shines through. 

I've been thinking a lot lately about 2020.  Maybe it is because it's already December and we are within weeks of the end of the year.  Maybe it's because for so much of the year it has seemed dark. This week, I have been doing some soul searching.  I've really been trying to block out external influences and go deep within.  

I am often in search of the lesson we are here to learn as I strongly believe that we are not just here to wake up, go to work, and eventually die. I have always firmly believed that we are here for a purpose, to learn lessons, to become more than we are. 

Maybe it is the reason I often push back against accepting the norm.  It's not my thing.  I don't do well when placed inside a virtual box and told to accept what I am being told. I resist. 

For me 2020 has been a year of revelations, experiences, awakenings.  Thoughts, feelings and concerns that were blurry items just out of my line of sight have been brought more into focus. Parts of who I am and things that have always made me feel odd and out of place have finally started to make sense. 

Maybe that is some of the reason that I find such solace sitting here in the darkness watching the show that the morning sky puts on. I am definitely a person that thrives in nature. I can easily loose myself in a forest, sitting on the edge of a lake, or most definitely walking along an empty beach in the early morning hours.  It's been several decades since I have done that. I miss it.  

I cherish the moments of revealing.  This morning I sat here for almost an hour, in the darkness, staring out the window, drinking coffee and reflecting.  Reflecting on the year, reflecting on this past week.  On thoughts, feelings, hopes and prayers.  

The view before sunrise is varying depths of deep blue/black velvet.  The sky shimmers with splashes of light, the woods behind my home are still and a almost impenetrable violet.  At that time of the morning the nocturnal creatures are returning to their resting areas having finished their nightly hunts and scavenging.

I hate to turn on sound, lights or anything that might disrupt that moment.  I think that is one of my favorite things about weekend mornings.  I am fairly sure the only thing I am okay with stealing that deep, dark silence is when Hubs and I enjoy a fire either inside or out. The natural light does not bother me one bit. 

Most people I know describe this year in negative terms.  They either didn't or can't look for the light in the darkness. 

I have to say, as much as I miss my children (even the one close, they are on their own soul journey's) I have found much to celebrate and experience this year. For this old fashioned girl that has never fit into our modern world, I feel blessed. 

This past week was a prime example of what I am talking about.  It had the possibility of being just another horrible event in a year that has brought out some of the worst in people.  Instead, I felt like it defined lessons that we've been learning, albeit the hard way.  A person I know found that due to some job changes, a quarantine and other stupid stuff they would be going for a month without a substantial paycheck.  That's a long time in the best of circumstances.  But in a month that has the promise of cold weather and Christmas when you have children, it could have been devastating. 

My heart was hurting so bad and I lost many hours of sleep.  I was praying and trying to find a way to help. This person was so gracious, although you could see the hurt in their eyes.  I can only imagine the stress and pain it caused.  It was only Monday, I was crushed.  I hate feeling helpless in the light of a fellow human suffering, it sometimes consumes me. 

 

By Wednesday, I watched people helping people. By Thursday, I sat and cried. Tears of pure joy. Prayers were answered, hope was restored.  You see, for me, I believe that we are here to learn to simply love unconditionally.  To give without question and to lift each other up. 

I think that is what I love the most about my job.  I really couldn't care less about the fitness part.  I know it's value, but it isn't by any stretch my passion. But as I watched the Angel Tree applications roll in I was terrified.  Our membership is down, people are afraid to come in, it's frightening to see so much need and not know how it will come together.  The tree went up, the Angels gently placed, wishes to heaven from families that this year has caused greater struggles. In the midst of helping our friend I forgot to get my Angels.  I will pick them Monday, hopefully there will be a few left. I love the human connection. It fills my heart to help others.  Those little white angels are literally flying off the tree. People helping people, regardless of their own situation in life. 

I'm tired of the ugly, angry, divisiveness that the world has suffered from for far too long.  Hatred over stupid things that simply don't matter.  Religion, beliefs, color, politics, masks... when do we realize that these things and many others that are causing pain are man made.  Created to cause hurt and pain. Judgement is not ours.  We need to stop. Our very souls long for connection and wholeness.

I am ready to leave the darkness behind.  I am ready to walk in the light of love and joy. I long for a world filled with love, compassion, caring, where we call all acknowledge that we are one.  Where we can realize that together there is absolutely nothing we can't accomplish.  For a very long time I have watched.  I will continue to watch because that is how we learn.  

Every year my Christmas wish is peace.  It still is.  Although I feel it needs to expand.  It needs to also include love, compassion, knowledge, discernment, a willingness to learn, love and grow.

Have I finally lost it?  Have I finally asked for far too much? 

I'm not done learning.  I am sure there is much more I am here to learn... 

this journey...

Good Morning!  

Did anyone else wake up to a beautiful "fall-esque" morning? I sure did.  It seems we might be moving into the part of the year where I thrive.  I have to say, I need it. I have been silent here and other places because I am not in a good place.

I am working hard to get back there.  I am fairly sure it will require more changes than I have already made.  I am very sad at the world today.  I am struggling with the things I am seeing.  The sadness is almost overwhelming at times. 

Friday at work was hard.  I'm leaving it at that.  The events do not matter the result did.  I was up for many hours after I finally got home.  I was unable to sleep.  My stress level was higher than it has ever been.  The experience had a profound impact on me. 

Many times in my life, I have experienced these kind of events.  They are usually my tipping point.  The time when God is speaking the loudest to me, telling me to give it to him, that I needn't worry myself.  

After much prayer on Friday night, trying to navigate my feelings and emotions, overcome with tears out of a mixture of anxiety, fear (mostly of the kind of world we are creating), sadness and frustration, I finally felt semi-calm.  An hour of meditation allowed me to finally rest.  I have turned it over to God.  He will lead me through the next part of my journey. 

On my drive home Friday, I dropped the top of my sweet little bug and savored the beauty around me. The moon was divinely bright, with an almost golden hue - not silvery at all.  I could see Mars and Venus shining bolder and brighter than the stars that they dwarfed. I didn't turn on music, I simply drove in silence.  I think that is when the processing started.  

I've been too overwhelmed to write. In fact I have been almost incapable of putting together a sentence or thought for quite some time now.  I wasn't able to find solace in any of the things that usually bring me great joy.  I've been going through the motions.  Checking off boxes that show I am alive.  Sleep... we'll give that one a half check, waking... double check there, moving through the day... okay check.  You get the point.  

I am fairly sure that most of the planet is with me on this.  We are all dealing with and processing what we have endured at varying places and through varying actions. We all have to find our way. 

I took a week off, a few of those days I simply checked out of life.  I puttered, I created, I spent time with the my sweet pup.  Hubs was visiting his sister.  I was numb to life. 

I've been looking at life through a different lens for over a week now.  I guess that is what made Friday so profound. In the peace and tranquility, I started to realize all of the hurt, suffering, angst, and overwhelming need for grace all around me. I started to realize that globally we needed to heal, that we simply all need a bit more love, compassion, understanding and faith. 

I made my team some Yep's.  It was me being silly as that was the acronym for a new program we are starting tomorrow in an attempt to serve the people around us. I also wanted to see them smile. It worked. Yesterday as I was struggling still with the profound sadness and sense of loss that Friday left me with, I picked up the remaining yarn and a hook and sat listening to some podcasts and made 21 reusable water balloons for next years camp. The thread sliding through my fingers provided a stillness that was needed. 

I was feeling balanced, enjoying the cool breezes and rest.  

A few phone calls and emails later, the anger and angst returned. 

Again, after much time in prayer and meditation, I slept.  

The fact that I can say I slept is powerful.  That is two full nights of sleep.  It has been so very long since that was the norm.  For months on end I have slept fitfully, tossing, turning, waking, having horrible dreams and living a life filled with restlessness. 

This morning I woke up to the sun rising in the east and a pup anxious to go outside.  Normally, I wake up in the dark, jarred awake by nightmares.  It was so refreshing.  After walking outside, regretting my decision to not put on a sweatshirt, I felt energetic and alive. 

I spent an hour cooking Neeko's breakfast and working in my beautiful tree top garden. 

I snipped the marigold heads, remembering as a child Mom and Dad showing us how when they were teaching us how to grow things in our little garden plot.  I can't remember where it was, what we grew, or even if we grew things successfully.  I do remember snipping marigold flowers that had finished blooming, to prepare for the years yet to come. 

I will let them finish drying and then package them up.  Mom has been wanting marigolds for a few years now and never seems able to find them.  I will be sure to send her a package for her garden next year. 

Last weekend I made some pepper jellies from my garden, I will probably make a couple more today.  We love them and that way even in the dead of winter, we will be able to enjoy the flavors of summer.  I am hoping the ones I harvest today will have a bit more bite, the one's last weekend had to have help from some I purchased at the store, they were mild, with no bite. 

As I was snipping those flowers and caring for my precious veggies (even the carrots have decided to grow!), I felt an overwhelming need to write.  The words kept coming together in my head.  My desire to tidy my kitchen and work on things I needed to get done was pushed violently aside by the words rushing around in my head, looking for a way out. 

I'm still deeply saddened by the world we are living in.  I cannot comprehend some of the absolute vileness that I am witnessing.  I don't know that I am in the right place at the right time.  I am feeling more strongly every day that I am not.  Yet I have faith that the Lord will put me where I am supposed to be. 

I am a firm believer that if something feels wrong to your heart and soul, it is not for you.  I am wondering if that is where I am now.  I guess time is going to tell.  

Thank you for being here for me.  

healing...

... wow, it has been a very long time since I have written. I just haven't had it in my heart.  There was no room for much of anything as I navigated my thoughts, feelings, emotions and concerns. 

So much has happened in 2020.  It's been full of chaos, uncertainty, fear, anger and so many other things. I have been learning, growing and expanding my own consciousness. I have been silent on social media, in life, I have had very little contact that was required for me to exist. 

I am healing.  I am not the same person I was when I started this year.  Many things that were important... they no longer matter. That doesn't mean the people don't. Slowly I am adding people and things back into my bubble.  I am just being very careful as to how I do that. 

Yesterday started my 55th journey.  

So much has changed.  So many things are different.  My lens has changed.  Dramatically.  One of the reason's I haven't written.  I am still processing my thoughts, studies, the information I am weeding through. No one needed to be completely part of that process.  My poor hubs has probably felt I am a bit off my rocker, but in true Hubs fashion has followed the path and journey with me. 

I am filled with love and hope for our world, I am grateful for the amazing people that are traveling on my journey with me.  I firmly believe that God brings you the people you need when you need them most.  I am blessed by many.  Grateful for their love, energy, thoughts and prayers.  

2020... You are definitely a year to remember.  I am not sure that I will continue this blog. It may have run its course and filled it's place in my life, I am still working through it.  In fact I am considering a different platform... a new journey. I haven't decided.  I am still working through this portion of who I am and the journey that I wish to continue.  To me 55 is a bigger milestone than 50 was.  It's a turning point in my head. 

This morning as I prepared to return to work, I found myself choosing to wear colors that are completely not me.  My daughter gave me a beautiful dress that I would have never bought myself.  I am loving the light and airiness of it.  The colors and style are liberating.  I'm definitely not wearing my signature black.  It was a choice.  I like it. 

I needed these 5 days of nothingness.  I feel refreshed and ready for this moment.  Not excited about the a/c situation awaiting me, but... 

Thank you all for being a part of my journey.  Thank you for filling those holes in my life when I have needed it.  And thank you for allowing me to be your bridge when you weren't able to do it yourself. 

I am not promising that I will be back.  I am still deep in prayer and meditation about where my journey is going. But I will completely keep you in my heart forever, regardless where this journey takes me... 

I can't...

The sunrise...

As I was busy fixing Hub's breakfast muffins yesterday this was my view.  He was sleeping in.  For him to be sleeping so soundly, I knew he was exhausted.  In a few moments the house would fill with the warmth of cinnamon and ginger, it would wake him.

Yet standing there finishing up I glanced out the window, it faces due east and the views are always so calming and beautiful.  The sunrise was breathtaking. A true promise that we woke up yet again and we are given another chance to be the wonderful humans that we are.

Watching the sunset last night was just as amazing. As was the beautiful night sky that followed.

Wednesday was by far the hardest day I have ever experienced at work. In my entire life.  I had to tell the majority of my incredible Y family that they were being temporarily laid off.  Yes, most will get unemployment, but it doesn't make up for that sense of loss.  Their pride took the hit, their sense of worth. Each of them is very valued and loved. It was devastating.

I was an emotional mess.  My heart was shattering with each conversation.  The harder part is that I had to do most of it over the phone.  This social distancing is horrible. I could hear the silence, I couldn't see if there were questions I needed to answer, support that I was not able to offer. It was wrenching.

Yesterday was a tad easier.  I was able to speak to all of my team at some point.  Things are not great, but they are, I am so blessed to have them all in my life.

I am thankful that this week is almost over.  I need a few days to stop.  To unplug and to simply be.  To allow my heart and spirit a chance to breath.

I have allowed so much negativity lately to enter my space.  I am finding myself snoozing people on social media, refusing to make myself available for the naysayers and doomsday bell ringers.  I am also finding myself refusing to further engage with those that are self centered and refuse to see past that.

I firmly believe in free speech.  In each of us having the ability to voice where we are and what our personal thoughts and beliefs are.  And I will celebrate you and your beliefs.  Yet, I am finding myself putting up emotional walls to people that refuse to be fluid and refuse to be part of any solution because it doesn't work for them.

I have to admit, I am not loving having so many freedoms taken away.  I am not loving having to look around me and make sure that people are distant from me.  In fact, I'm hating it pretty hard.  I am a hugger, I cherish being able to offer comfort in times of distress, I will share my energy with anyone that truly needs it.  So some of this is very difficult for me.

Flip side of that, I am definitely an introvert and enjoy my own private space.  I find sheer joy in my mediation time, in creating, in simply being.

And I am realizing I need to find more time to meditate and be okay with people that lack concern for others. I keep seeing the meme's about not bringing your entire family on your shopping trip.  I will tell you I was terrified the other day when I did venture out to pick up scripts at the sheer number of people that are bringing their entire families shopping.  Their kids are running around the stores, babies are mouthing the handles of the carts - even if it doesn't have the virus on it, I am sickened to thing of how much sanitizer has been applied to it.

As one of those folks that is still working I can tell you I feel very blessed.  I come into contact with very few people.  I am not excited for when I have to.  I remember case number 1 here in the county I live in... it was only a few weeks ago, March 9th to be exact.  I remember the outrage because the family members of patient number 1 attended a school event.  How selfish, how self-entitled.  They were horrible people.  I mean come on it made national news.

Fast forward to April 3, not even a month later, in the county alone there are 663 cases and so far 6 deaths. It isn't that this virus is killing at a rampant rate, but it is spreading pretty darn fast.  What it is doing is stopping people from working (no for most of them it is not a paid holiday), it will overwhelm medical facilities (how many other important medical issues are not being dealt with properly?), it is showing us the very selfish side of many. 

Sorry, this might not be an accurate view, but from my seat, it is my view.  Because of thought processes like, it won't happen to me, it's an old people problem (actually - I'm not old and in the county I live in my age group is at the highest risk), I'm not 6 - don't tell me what to do, if we are all feet apart it won't make me sick, I don't want to ask for help... I truly could go on.

They are closing our parks this weekend.  How sad is that.  They have to close public parks.  Why, because even though there is yellow caution tape around the playground equipment, families are still taking their children to play on it.  They are all sitting around socializing while their children are playing together.  They are not staying home.

Evidently, now that there are more cases and more people potentially exposed it's no longer terrible for them to be out in the general population?  It's no longer a national media event to potentially expose other people? How is this behavior any less callus and self centered than the Daddy/Daughter Dance?  Or the trips to have coffee before they knew?

So many people are being hurt by this selfish mentality.  Maybe they aren't getting sick, maybe they never will.  I pray that is the case.

The people that are out there working to allow us access to essentials, guess what, most of them would rather be home safe with their families too.  Everyday I hear of another grocery, food, medical, emergency service, essential employee becoming ill.

I am disengaging from the people that are in sheltered areas feeling they are the only ones being inconvenienced and harmed by this hot mess that is not just our country - it's the whole darn planet.  All across the globe people are hurting, people are losing their livelihoods, family members are dying (not just from Covid 19) that are dying alone and cannot have funerals. 

If you are blessed to stay home.  Well stay home.  If you need groceries or essential supplies - there are many folks willing to help so that you can be home and safe.  That you can protect your precious babies - even if you are a single parent.

I am meditating and praying that at some point we can come together for the greater good.  So that we can stop passing this crap around, so that people can go back to work, so that they can do so many of the things that for a brief moment they can't.

We as a species should be doing better. 

Sorry if this is a rant.  Frankly, I am tired of biting my tongue and allowing people to snap at me and other's virtually.  People that are going out for essential jobs each day deserve a bit more respect.

I'm going to try and go find the beauty and joy in this day.  I am going to reach out to people that are hurting and see if I can find a way to make it better.  I really wish we all would.  I am tired of hearing the negative.  It's harming us more than the illness.  It would be incredible if everyone took a moment to find something good that they could do for the good of others, every single day. 

Can you imagine that beauty?

disconnect...

It was dark and dreary yesterday.  There was rain coming as I woke up early in the morning, wait is 3 am morning or is it still night?  Regardless, I was up super early.  Wide eyed and ready to tackle the day.  As I was laying there reflecting on all the reasons I should go back to sleep, my mind drifted to all the reasons to not go to sleep.

It slowly occurred to me that it is the end of March, somehow it flew past.  I remember walking in the warm morning air as March started.  I remember thinking about the appropriate gift for my sweet baby girl's birthday mid-month.  I remember as the sun shone on my face the old saying... March come's in like a lamb it goes out like a lion or vice versa rushing through my mind.  And thinking, well I guess we will have storms at the end of the month.

I'm gonna say that this year, March has shown us it means business! I am not even sure that a lion exists that wants to claim this mess!  That week was such a defining moment... it came in with a time change - yep still hate it.  There was a full moon and it ended with a Friday the 13th.  As a general rule, I love Friday the 13th.  I've never found it to be a bad day, I might have to rethink my thought process.

Yet today dawned cool but brilliant. I gently awoke to the sound of the wind, it was raging and pushing the impact of yesterday far to the east.

Sitting here on the last weekend of this crazy month, I have a million things running through my mind.  A million thoughts that have me stressed and concerned. Another million that are bringing me calm.

I've been listening to a bunch of pod-casts and YouTube shows.  Seeking understanding, guidance and knowledge.  Nope I cannot tell you what the most popular show is, I have no idea.  Even as I am curled up in my favorite chair, earbuds in listening to music in 852 Hz.  I am not sure how I discovered these beautiful tones, but I am absolutely thankful that I have.  They are so refreshing and calming to me.  They are lighting up my world in a weird way, I almost crave the sound.  And if you know me, that is just downright strange.  I am the quiet person.  I do not thrive with noise.

It's been a weekend of pleasant diversions.  I haven't been on the computer, hardly at all.  We took Neeko for 4 walks yesterday and one already today, he is absolutely loving the parents being home.

I haven't felt the need to get in the car, to experience anything I cannot get to unless walking.  This morning, after energy work and meditation, I enjoyed hot coffee with Hubs before we took Neeks for his morning stroll.  We needed, no scratch that, we wanted a couple of things from the grocery store, so I shoved my folding grocery bag into my hoodie pocket and off we went.  There was no hurry, no rushing forward.  We simply strolled.  It was beautiful, but cool.  Neeko was loving the new view and smells.  And we simply chatted and observed the quiet peacefulness around us.

I have been cooking meals for us again.  It is wonderful to imagine what I want to make and then start cooking.  Last night the dreary, cold called for a spicy pot of chickpea curry.  The kind that warms you to your toes.  Brunch today were vegan breakfast burritos.  And right now the house is filled with the scent of the granola that I am baking to make the crust for my first ever attempt at cheesecake.  I have to admit the irony is pretty darn sweet.  Who waits until they become a vegan to decide to try making cheesecake?

I have been enjoying the weekend.  I have given myself permission to unplug and focus within.  I had to.  If I hadn't, I am fairly positive that the absolute stress of the past week would have shut me down completely.

I spent more time in panicked tears and melt down mode last week than I have in a very, very long time.  I would have to say in almost 18 years.  This truly feels even bigger than the change I went through then and that almost destroyed me.  I can never allow that to happen again.

I am sure I am not alone.  These times are unprecedented. So much is changing and super fast.  Many of us, I am not alone, are worried about jobs, homes, paying bills and providing for our families. Working for a not for profit means that we don't have lots of extra money laying around for things no one ever dreamed of happening.  The reality is that Hubs and I might be required to take time off without pay. That is unbelievably stressful.

And last week, it was dragging me down like an anchor on my soul.  I was struggling hard. I'm still concerned.  It will be tough for us if it happens.  But we can and will survive it.

What this quiet weekend has taught me.  That I am stronger than any of that.  I needed the time to go deep inside to meditate, to putter around my house, to think and process.  I am not even remotely going to lie when I say that I am enjoying the shorter days.  The time to cherish all the things I am forever putting aside.  Taking long walks with my boy and Hubs.  They are rushed to squeeze into my day.  They are an intentional beautiful part of my day.

We have a new neighbor down the street that Hubs has been spending a lot of time getting to know.  He's a county officer.  After speaking with him about the stress of everything and how much he was looking forward to enjoying his two days off at home, we decided to create a small care package.  This has to be even more stressful for him right now.  A couple of small bottles of Jack Single barrel, a few bars of homemade soap, a homemade candle and of course due to the times a roll of TP with a simple thank you note.  I have to say that putting that together filled my heart with so much love and joy.

I was puttering in my sewing room and found my favorite skirt, tucked aside years ago, our beautiful Amber chewed a hole in it as a puppy.  She's been gone a long time now. It was back when we barely had two nickles to rub together.  I'd started to repair it, and never finished.  I stuck it in the mending pile and moved on.  Yesterday I started working on it again.  Enjoying the slow rhythmic motion of the needle as I fixed it. It will take a bit more time.

Use it up, use it out, make it do or do without.

That used to be a favorite line.

Maybe there was a reason.  I cannot control what is happening.  I can only control my reaction to it.  If I fight it, I will suffer.  If I learn and flow with it, I will grow.  Bet you can't guess what my plan is?

How is everyone doing?  Are you okay?  How are you growing and learning?

patience...

Anyone else feel like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz?  That moment with the Good Witch tells her while looking at her beautiful ruby slippers... "you've had the power all along".  I am a complete fan of the Wizard of Oz, I have seen all the movies, read the book, and actually own most of the Wicked series.  In my office there is a beautiful ruby cup that says sometimes you have to put the hat on and show them who they are dealing with.

I definitely admit to having a small obsession. But that isn't the meaning of this blog.  I was scrolling through Facebook this morning.  Looking for the uplifting and fun posts that I knew would be there. I came across a post from a friend referring to gas prices and making the comment that "we had the power all along". 

It resonated with me.

We have had the power all along.  We just haven't had the will and desire.

I wrote a post yesterday.  It was light and full of energy. I hadn't gotten it finished before walking Neeko, so I decided to take some pictures of the beautiful morning to put in.  It was a glorious morning.  Beautiful.  Sun shining, tree's budding, a brilliant blue sky.  It made my morning perfect.

And then, just as quickly the rain rolled in.  Physically and metaphorically.  The clouds darkened before I could even get on my first conference call.  By the time I logged in there was the roll of thunder and huge splashes of rain blurring the beauty.  Making it hazy and hard to see. And as I started opening email my bright optimistic mood started to dim.

My energy card was strategy yesterday, it was telling me to plan.  I was struggling to understand the path it was asking me to see.

Later in the day, as the sky was brightening once again.  With the temperatures rising and the sound of people out walking and moving about, things that normally lift my heart.  I had sunk to a low that felt impossible to climb out of. 

My light and loving post, had never been posted.  I simply couldn't find it in me to even edit it.  My mood was black, my energy stolen and I was feeling defeated.

Words and actions are powerful. Anyone that knows me, knows that I come from a place of honesty and pure truth.  I will not ever be deceitful, heck I don't even get invited to participate in pranks - I suck at it.  So when I am surrounded by cloak and dagger, half truths and evasion.  I also don't do well with stuck in a hole, closed mindsets. I struggle HARD!

None of us knows what the path ahead looks like.  I am doing my level best to uplift and shine loving light on everyone.  I struggle when people that I love and trust cannot return that same energy.

I was afraid that I would not sleep again last night.  I was empty.  I needed the rest, I knew it.  But I also knew where my heart was, and worse yet, where my head was.

I decided to visit a couple of pages on Facebook that I knew would fill me with hope if there was any to be had.  And sure enough, one of them had a message that I felt was spoken directly to me. I allowed myself to read it a few times, to focus on the words. 

Climbing the stairs I was still lost in thought about it.  I normally do not meditate at night, usually it is my morning routine.  After the search through my crafting room had not netting me any more of the soft pale alpaca wool to spin, and listening to several podcasts. I decided I may as well try.

I'd only put in guided meditation - because frankly I was too frazzled to lead myself - and there it was.  It had only been posted that morning.  "Guided Meditation Before Sleep.  Let Go of Fear in Uncertain Times".  It was from the same channel that some of my favorite sleep music comes from so... yep, gave it a try.

It was the best meditation that I have had since the beginning of February at The Peace Place. Thirty minutes flew by and took my stress with it.  I felt so peaceful and calm inside.  So loved by all that is. 

Each of us has our own way of dealing with things.  This is mine. 

As the world is slowing and changing some folks are reacting in negativity and anger.  Some of reacting with fear.  The universe is truly calling on us to lean into the changes.  So many red flags have been up for a long, long time. I was talking with Hubs this morning, sharing with him my beliefs (which FYI collide hard with his good Catholic upbringing) that we have been individually asking the universe for things without realizing it.

I have asked for more time.  Feeling rushed and frazzled.  Mourning the loss of precious disconnectedness in a world that is far too connected and demanding. I was still going about my life.  Just like everyone else.  I was still running hither and yon. 

And now. 

My phone is silent in the morning, work isn't begging for my attention. I don't feel guilty taking the time to meditate, do energy exercises, walk my dog, or blog.  At 5 pm, I am shutting off my computer.  My phone only rings with loved ones, dear friends. I am treasuring the silence. The peace.

I know people are mourning some of their favorite activities. The physical connection.  This is for but a moment in time.  I saw that someone connected yesterday with a Bible verse.  The numbers lined up the same.  Telling us to isolate. Until it passed.

Soon enough we will join each other face to face.  Soon enough we will laugh, play and celebrate.

Patience.  A new day will dawn.
.