becoming...

Good morning! As I edge back into writing, I am trying to find the "perfect time" to write.  The changes in who I have become, have led to many changes in the order of my day.  

Before I ever leave bed I find myself deeply engrossed in some Bible study or another, since Hubs starts working as soon as he wakes up (he cherishes his peaceful work hours also) I usually don't worry about coming downstairs until around 530 or so. Being an early riser for at least three decades, maybe longer, it gives me ample time to lose myself in something or another.  Today was a fairly deep study of the book of Revelations and the actual meanings found in some translations.  

Pretty intense stuff when you've given up coffee. Coffee wasn't given up for any religious or spiritual reason.  It was given up for my actual health.  The first week was a touch rough, talk about some serious headaches.  It's been almost two months now and even the smell of it (still one of my absolute favorite scents) doesn't beckon me to pour a cup. Three months ago, I couldn't have fathomed my life without coffee.  A pot or so was normal... strange how things change. 

I think I will have to dig back into this mornings study, it was seriously intense and my brain is still digesting the bits and pieces of it all.  In fact, I'm pretty sure it will involve taking the whole thing in small bites for all of it to make sense. 

I have definitely embraced the role of a traditional wife.  Which means that after my morning reading, spending time with Hubs while he has his coffee, visiting and planning out our day, it's time to start the day.  Apron on and breakfast cooking for Hubs and the Pups are pretty much the first steps.  

It flows so beautifully.  Belle will usually sit at my side, eagerly hoping for a morsel or two, depending on how hungry she is.  She has become such a patient  baby when she wants to be. Beau will hang out upstairs with dad while he gets ready for the day. 

waiting for our friends to call out

Unless one of the other dogs in the neighborhood decides to shout out a greeting, then its a mad dash for the backyard to return the call of their people. Sadly, they are both big mouths and I am fairly sure the only "call" the entire neighborhood hears is them.  I spend a lot of time in the morning calling them in.  I know they are just saying hello, but they seriously need to learn to whisper. 

As I move into my planned projects for the day, I usually end up forgetting other things, like blogging.  So who knows what the rhythm and flow will become.  

Today, I finished up the 5 batches of soaps that I made yesterday.  I'd gotten a bit behind on making soap. I made a couple of batches back in February for the first time in at least six months or so, I ran out of lye and simply kept forgetting to order more. Finally remembered and then life got busy with birthdays and the like.  Sometimes I wonder how I ever managed to accomplish anything back in the time before. 

The house smells like a heavenly mixture of all the scents, the laundry room (where the drying rack is) is a bit overwhelmed by it all.  Taking the pictures, I longed for the ability to translate scents through the camera.  Kentish rain, lilac, ylang ylang, eucalyptus and cotton, and a mixture called spellbound woods.  The combination would make a candle shop blush. 

Not all of them are pretty, I got distracted a few times yesterday and got to trace way too quickly.  Doesn't matter they will still clean.  I don't really sell my soaps any longer, a few here and there.  Mostly they are for personal use, to trade or to gift.  It just doesn't matter if they are beautiful and colorful.  Pretty much the only reason I added mica to them for coloration is to help me remember the scents.  

spellbound woods = hot mess

eucalyptus and cotton

ylang ylang

Lilac

Kentish Rain

As the wind is whipping and the rains are threatening, I am skipping time in the garden this morning.  Even if it is time to get the cool weather garden going.  I'm not a fan of strong winds, that deck is fairly high and my confidence is fairly low.  

Instead I will head up to the sewing studio.  I have several projects that need attention.  I am learning to make a leather wallet for Hubs, to replace one that I bought him about 20 years ago.  And I have several quilts that waiting for me to finish them.  A bit of time and attention is needed.  

She's got to be able to look out everywhere

Hubs won't be home mid-day for lunch so that means I will be able to focus without interruption.  I don't know about you, but I struggle with refocusing after I have stopped working on something for whatever reason.  I often just move on to a totally different project and forget where I was. 

much love and prayers everyone... b

and just like that...

 

It's going to be a semi-busy day, one that I am being lazy and pushing off a bit.  I'm showered and ready to start, physically, finally well rested - yesterday was a struggle.  I just want a few more moments of silence and reflection.  A few minutes to snuggle my puppies. Who am I kidding Belle is not a snuggle dog, Beau makes up for it for both of them.  Just a bit more time, before I jump in. 

I am going to be doing maintenance of the long arm today, it's her spa day, the final one I will give her.  After all these years and quilts together, I officially sold her this morning.  Something I've wanted to do, but never had the courage for the next step, longing for something and taking the steps to make it happen are not the same thing.  

I feel like things are lining up like they are meant to.  As I was still toying with the idea of moving onto a true honest to goodness professional long arm I asked my sister if she was interested in my old one.  It's perfect for just starting out, when it is a newer hobby.  She doesn't have the space or time right now.  While I was still mired in next steps, God stepped in and created that space for me to grow and move forward.  

She had friends over, conversations took just the right direction and one thing led to another.  God shoved me!  I wasn't brave enough to do what happened on my own, I was still mired in my own doubts and what if's.  One thing led to another, my lovely old machine and frame that gave me the courage to learn and try are heading south this coming week.  They are going to a new home to help another quilter cut her teeth.  My new "professional long arm" is on it's way so that I can go to the next level. 

Little Ms Independence

I've never quite felt ready before.  My spirit has never bubbled with excitement for the next step.  Until now. 

I need my space

This year seems to be filled with a desire for change.  I am not truly someone that jumps in with both feet.  I can weather change, easily, yet I never seek it out. I am the person that arranges a room, closet, heck life and when it's how I feel comfortable, I don't change it again. Yet here I find myself craving changes. I have a huge plant in my sitting room, for the entire time we've lived here it has resided in the same exact space. Suddenly, I feel a need to move it on. I am actually considering changing that entire room around.  

This is not normal for me.  It feels foreign.  Yet here I am.  Making changes.

Anyone else feeling a desire to change things?  To shift out of the rut we often find ourselves in?  

It's a reunion year from when I graduated high school.  My high school ring disappeared a good 25 years or more ago, not sure what happened to it, but it never left Washington with us.  On one side of my ring it said "free to be", I graduated in '83.  I loved the sentiment, it felt empowering as I stood ready to take on adulthood.  I hadn't thought about it a lot until recently.  A group that I pray with has started to say a prayer together every day, ironically, it starts out "free to be"... it feels like some circle that I didn't know existed has connected.  I feel ready for a lot of next steps.  I actually find myself feeling quite empowered lately and willing to step out of a lot of ruts, routines and safe spaces and truly experience life. 

I must have a thing for years that end with 3, I got married in 2003, I started my blog in 2013, and now here it is 2023 and I'm starting new adventures.... maybe it's my lucky number?  Or just the cycle I thrive in... who know's... but I'll take it.

As I take the pictures so the new owner can easily reassemble the frame and as I care for the machine one final time, I will celebrate the joys and learning aggravations (I struggle to learn new things gracefully sometimes) I have had over the years.  

Through it all, I am ready for what comes next.

Personal space is way over rated

I feel like 2023 is the year to be free, free to chase dreams without feeling hindered.  I'm actually excited... anyone else?

You will provide me comfort human - 
jedi Beau commands it

love, prayers, hopes and dreams... 

strong women...

Rolling thunder, the sound of the rain hitting the metal cover of the fireplace, the deep green color of a spring rain, all of my favorites as I woke up this morning.  It was such a blessing to sleep in, I was getting weary of seeing 3:33 am.  The morning had lightened from the deep pitch of darkness as I started my morning meditation.  The sounds of a wild natural morning accompanying my thoughts and inner peacefulness. 

I am a firm believer in the cleansing power of rain.  Water in general, but rain... maybe it is the fact that I spent most of my formative years in a country that has a lot of rain.  Maybe it is something I just know in my very essence.  Maybe I am channeling a bit of the bible stories I was told as a child.  I don't know, but I love it!  

If these darn knees weren't giving me fits today, I would probably put on a rain jacket, grab an umbrella and go find some puddles to splash in.  Children totally have the right idea. I have said many times that I struggle with memories, but one that is always clear involves rain.  We lived in a pop up camper for a bit when my two youngest sisters were babies.  Dad was going to school in Mississippi and it was a way for all of us to be together.  

I only remember snippets of it, I was only around 7 at the time.  And the wave of disbelief that it was 49 years ago just smacked me in the face... wow...  anyhow I digress. I remember losing a tooth and it falling down the sink drain and being devastated that the tooth fairy wouldn't come because I had carelessly lost the tooth. I remember Dad doing everything he could to "rescue" it.  Somehow the fairy found me and let me know that she'd managed to use magic to get that silly tooth. 

I remember Mom doing such a great job to make that camper home.  

And I remember the storm.  I think it was a minor twister, I remember all of us gathering inside our tiny pop up home, it seems we were sitting as low as we could get, under the tables.  The next thing I remember was running through puddles in our swimsuits with my next sister down.  We were splashing and dancing.  I vaguely remember stuff being strewn about, mostly I remember the beautiful deep green color, the rain drops still falling and dancing in the rain and puddles. 

Maybe that was the first time I was old enough to know I loved rain.  It might just be innate for me. 

I cherish being near free flowing water.  Ironically, man-made lakes do not hold the same power over me.  I will drag my feet and legs or hands into a free flowing clear river, splashing randomly.  Get me near an ocean and I have an overwhelming urge to walk, splash, allow it to cover me.  I am not a fan of lakes.  I despise the darkness, the unwelcoming feeling that comes from that stagnant water that seems to go no where. 

Surrounded this morning with the deep wet green and rolling thunder is perfect.  I spent my morning mediation reflecting on motherhood.  After all, it is mother's day.  I come from a long line of strong women.  My sweet girl carries on the family tradition as I am sure her beautiful daughters will do the same.  

Each of us has our own perceptions of our mothers, I do not believe any of us for even a moment can say our mother's didn't love us unconditionally.  None of us have been prefect.  Not too long ago my daughter shared a meme, "when you are a kid you don't realize that you are also watching your parents grow up".  How powerful is that?

There have been so many times that I longed for a do over, because in the silence of the night, with tears of remorse in my eyes I have realized that I could have said or done something differently.  Because I simply didn't know better at that moment in time.  Only to realize that was my learning process, so that the next time I could and would do better. 

I often hear my daughter say things that are very similar to the words that I have thought if not spoken aloud. So many times growing up I felt that my parents loved my sisters more, that things were easier for them, that the same benchmarks didn't apply.  That they were the favorites.  

My girl often calls her brother the golden child.  I've heard my oldest grand daughter speak similar things in regards to her sister.  My grandmother and great grandmother were also the oldest child.  Mom is the only one that wasn't, but in a way she was as she was the second of 7 and had to step up to help with the younger ones when her daddy passed away.

Now, at this point in life, I realize it wasn't that at all.  Now, I am old enough and wise enough to call it was it truly is.  The oldest child is the test child.  It's where you learn, it's how you grow as a parent. Unfortunately it's where you make the first attempt at raising another human. Your are stricter - it's out of fear - what if you make a mistake? You inevitably make the mistake, feel the pain and pray that it hasn't caused irreparable damage. 

You don't have the skills yet, you are learning.  If anything, I think you are closer to the first born.  After all they were the test baby.  I personally know, that I cherish both of my babies.  Being their mother has been one of the most life fulfilling gifts ever.  I am so grateful to my girl for allowing me to be the young inexperienced mom that I was, for rolling with my mistakes and turning out to be an amazing mom.  I am grateful to my boy for the strong man he has become.  For knowing his own mind and following his own path. My sweet girl was my test baby, my sweet boy was the one that benefited from many of those lessons.  I am sure he thanks her for the lessons she taught me. 

My mom and I are more like friends now, rather than mom and daughter.  We talk about random things, we laugh and cry together.  Our journey hasn't been perfect, they never are.  There were years that we fought and rarely spoke, but time is a salve that heals all wounds and brings those beautiful scars to life.  They aren't scars that bring trauma, they are scars that serve as a gentle reminder of the journey you have traveled together.  They allow more honesty and openness.  The wounds have healed, the smooth scars allow a freedom. 

It's perfect that this beautiful rain that is gently falling now is washing this beautiful day, refreshing it and giving it a chance to shine again.  Forever I wanted to be an only child.  I didn't realize that it was my inability to understand being the test child.  At this phase in life... I cherish that role, the lessons I have learned and the extra growth gifted to me is priceless. 

I am so proud to come from a long line of strong, imperfect women, the kind that never gave up.  That loved unconditionally, if imperfectly.  I am proud to be a middle piece in that line of women. I see it continuing with my own daughter and her daughters. May we all continue to grow, love, accept and carry on until it is our turn to become the memory that guides the future strong women in our family line. 

hello brain...

I'm awake. 

I know it doesn't seem like a great feat.  Many of us will experience the same feeling today.  But for me after almost 20 days, it is huge! I'm awake, my eyes are open and my mind feels... mine. 

When I last posted I had no idea that the exhaustion I was feeling, the mental fog, the unclear thoughts and the disconnection to myself wasn't just post holiday blahs. A let down after a strange and wonderful holiday season. 

I had no idea that my brain feeling foggy wasn't just a season shift fibro event. 

This morning I am clear. My fingers are hitting keys that actually make sense.  I've been awake since around 3 am.  And while that would normally disturb me, the fact that for several weeks I have basically been sleeping over 20 hours a day it feels good. I have stared off into space for far too long this month. 

In fact, if I wasn't so concerned with where things have already gone this year I would want a do - over. 

I am going to be very unpopular with what I feel strongly that I need to say.  Especially as I have now managed to experience, successfully, the awesome combination of COVID and pneumonia.  But, here it goes just the same. 

Live your life. 

Due to my work I followed the guidelines, I wore the mask, washed my hands, did my best with six feet. And almost 20 days and a hospital stay later, I am still going to say live your life. 

During the time that I have been ill, I know of several people that have passed away.  Some COVID related, some not.  I have been sick before in my life.  This was definitely an experience I am okay with having only learned once. But there was no reason for the world to change because I got a virus. If masks and all the other fear mongering worked, I would not have gotten sick. The truth is that virus' have been around as long as man.  We have been blessed by a creator that insured our bodies would adapt and we could survive, if meant to. 

The greatest joy I had during that period of time was when my girl was brave enough to bring that little sprite of a grand baby over to entertain me before I got too sick. We explained to stay away from Gramma and we had so much fun.  The sparkle from her made me feel like a million dollars.  Now before you freak out, please know she had already been potentially exposed and children are pretty darn safe... because you know science. 

The laughter and joy of that evening made some of the past few weeks brighter. Speaking to my children and text messages from grands made sitting in a hospital sweating and on oxygen a whole lot easier to deal with. 

My heart broke yesterday when I received a message from one of my employees, her grandfather had passed unexpectedly.  They had moved back here to enjoy time together, but because of all the fear that has been being dished up they lost all of that time. 

You cannot unwind a clock people. 

Since time began we have had people get sick, we have had bodies get tired and move on.  The one thing we can never replace, ever are the memories of laughter, time together, sharing love, hope and ideas. 

I am not saying to simply through caution to the wind.  In fact I am dumb struck by some of the absolutely idiotic things I am hearing from around the country. A change in leadership does not all the sudden cure a pandemic.  Simply rewriting rules, ideas and thoughts does not make them... well science. 

I used to be a firm believer in science.  Until I studied in it.  I used to believe a lot more and know a lot less.  

I think I told a friend while I was in the hospital that I believe I chose this time to be ill. I knew that I needed a safe, calm spot to be.  Can't get much safer than completely disconnected.  I needed a cocoon, my soul knew that. A buffer so to speak. 

I guess the coming months will show to us if we have been terrified to be controlled or if we have just over come one of the greatest pandemics in history.  Please understand that I am normally more middle of the line with the thoughts I share. Yet after this month, this experience.  I am now choosing to be allowed to have my own voice and thoughts. 

If you are healthy live your life.  You owe it not only to yourself, but your loved ones.  Spend time making a special dinner, go for that walk, do like my sweet baby grand did and build a forest hut it the park.  Get dirty. 

If you aren't feeling so great, take a moment to step back.  Take care of yourself.  I don't use my sick days, I never get sick. HAHAHAHA, proved me wrong. As I battled all the guilt and anger at myself for not staying healthy, for not being there and doing what was expected of me, I realized something. 

I work with and for great people.  I have felt so much love this past few weeks. Yet, I am supremely replaceable. They haven't missed a beat.  I could say it's because I have a great team, that I am surrounded by amazing people, and the text book answer to that is yes, I do.  The reality is the only people we are not replaceable with another comparative part is our family, friends, our loved ones. 

Smell flowers, go get wet in the rain, or play in the snow.  Turn off the television - you have been programmed. Experience life. Walk away from people telling you what to think, what to feel how to learn. Stop being programmed. 

One of my family members really upset me in a comment he made on a Facebook post. It was something harmless in regards to what I am writing here about living life and not missing a moment.  The comment was small and petty.  About not wanting to end up in a hospital or morgue. 

My anger wasn't in his saying those words.  My anger is that he chose my message to carry his gloom.  I am not going to be so willing to allow that moving forward.  Everyone has a voice, everyone has the right to use that voice.  We are blessed with intelligence, common sense and the ability to learn. We have an innate ability to grow, experience to level up as humans.  We alone make the choice to not do so. 

If I've angered you, I am sorry.  If have I have given you an opportunity to think for a moment, follow that wisp. 

But mostly, live! Make time for what is important, because in the end, the loved ones around you truly are all that matter. 

My last post was about creating, it was in the most strict sense of the word.  During the moments of lucidity of the past few weeks I have thought deeper about that string of thoughts. As this week started my brain was still struggling hard to connect to me, my fingers and brain were not even remotely speaking to each other and I couldn't put together clear thoughts.  Slowly as the week has moved forward, I forced my fingers to wrap around the yarn, to connect my muscle memory and brain in a pattern that I can do in my sleep.  

Creativity pulled me back. Creativity will drive me forward. 

I have been wrapped in love from so many areas of my life, flowers, messages of love, calls, dinners... I am so surrounded by an amazing community. I am blessed, I am thankful and I am choosing to move forward in pure love.

Go out and live!  Experience all things beautiful and growth inducing.  Turn off the television, have a conversation, agree to disagree and learn to love one another again, please....