I've got questions...

I've got some serious questions, ones that I have been stewing over for quite a long time.  How long have we been being conditioned to not speak to others?  How long have the seeds of distrust and fear been being sown?  

I know I have written my thoughts down about the fact that we no longer really have front porches, that we don't get to know our neighbors or even the neighborhood grocer, etc.  But lately it is becoming far more noticeable to me that the break down to our society in general is becoming even more fractured. 

Here's what I mean.  I am not someone that randomly strikes a conversation.  I will offer to help if it is noticeable that you need assistance, but to just speak, nah... that's not me.  It isn't something new, I have been this way my entire life. I offer smiles like they are free for the taking, but I am not usually going to speak. 

 Those few folks that became close friends when I was a kid and young adult, probably never even realized the struggle it was for me to open up enough to be friends.  Probably why I cherish all of my friendships so much, even ones from so long ago, the price paid was huge, they are and were worth the investment.  Besides, that is Hubs strength, he has never in his life met a stranger.  Although I am even starting to sense a hesitancy in him lately. A preference to text as opposed to calling someone, a less open way in communicating. 

I was at the grocery the other day, I'd found a great recipe for a grain-free, nut-free bread that I was dying to try and realized I'd used all my flax meal making puppy treats. As I wandered around I was just observing the state of the store, the things they were out of, and of course people watching.  The atmosphere wasn't intense and anxious so I just took a moment to stroll. 

As I was walking to my car when leaving, I see a woman loading her car, she looked anxious and intense.  I get it, I don't often like to be alone these days either and I live in what would be classified as a "safe" neighborhood.  I walked past with my single bag, enjoying the sunshine and I smiled at her.  I noticed that she slightly smiled back, but it didn't reach her eyes.  I also noticed that she had a box of mason jars on the bottom of her cart, I started to just walk on, but something encouraged me to turn around and speak.  

I'd seen the jars in the store also, but I didn't buy any.  They are priced obscenely high now, almost double other stores, something inside told me to tell her where I'd found them so much cheaper.  As I turned and said excuse me, the fear in her eyes was something you could feel.  I am not a threat to anyone, I'm a short, mostly out of shape, older lady (ouch that hurts) with a replaced knee - a toddler can out run me. I wasn't even wearing clothing that could have concealed a weapon.  But she looked afraid, instantly.  

When I mentioned the fact that I'd noticed her mason jars, the fear turned almost open hostility, with a sharp yes.  It wasn't until I said, I'd noticed them in the store too, but wanted to share with her that I'd found an abundance of them at the local hardware store significantly cheaper that she just as quickly became friendly, excited and open.  Her smile became genuine, she was grateful to know that and said she would head over there to look.  She thanked me profusely for telling her about it and we parted ways. 

Here's the thing, what caused that fear?  I live in a very diverse neighborhood, racially, ethnically, financially, gender, religious... you name it we probably have it covered.  I think it is one of the reasons I love where I live, it feels so much more like the diverse military communities that I grew up in, I personally feel safe and calm here. 

I thought about it fairly intensely the rest of the day.  Reflecting on my own trip to the grocery a few days before, I realize that she probably had several hundred dollars worth of groceries in her cart, was she afraid I would attempt to take them?  Was she personally reflecting on the extreme expense she'd just paid for that cart of groceries and pondering how she'd pay the rest of her bills for the month?  I feel you sister, I'd suffered the same shock myself. 

Is all of this just our own reflection of how we feel about things surrounding us? Are we assigning our own fears and comfort levels to others?  I'm not sure.  It lingered with me for most of yesterday, which might be why I felt a bit hyper aware of things I observed, yet it hit me again yesterday as I saw not one but two alerts to be aware of strangers at a local park. 

I'm not saying the person had a need to be fearful or not.  They might have been quite accurate in their assessment of the situation, or they might have been extreme.  I wasn't there, I have no way of knowing. Evidently their 15 year old daughter was running up and down a steep hill while training for something, an older man said hello and asked why she was running up and down the hill in that kind of heat.  That is the way the father of the girl shared the story.  Nothing seemed extreme about the conversation, nothing set off red flags or said to react in a protect manner from the dad's story.  Yet, 90% maybe more of the folks responded with call the police, he could be a pedophile, how could you let her run in the park alone, did she have mace or a weapon with her, you get the gist of the conversation. 

The dad said he confronted the man about speaking to his daughter and he got mad and didn't like be accused.  That made everyone more vigilante, of course he must be guilty if he got angry. Maybe he got mad because of how he was approached and the way the conversation went?  

Again, I don't know.  But more and more the only response I see to anyone speaking about anything unusual or strangers in the neighborhood is "call the police".  Maybe I'm too trusting, even if I don't speak to other's often.  Maybe I'm the foolish one, maybe it is years of working in a downtown community across the street from one of the largest homeless shelters around, but I think we are breaking as a society.  And once that happens what in the world do we become?

Humans are by nature "pack animals", very rarely do they successfully live with interaction with other humans.  If we become so afraid of one another, then what?

I don't have answers, I'd love to say I have a magic ball that allows me to see where we are heading at such a break neck speed.  But I don't.  

In the midst of all these thoughts I also remembered a conversation with my girl the other night.  We were at her house reminiscing about when she moved into the neighborhood, she and her realtor told outrageous tales to everyone that asked her about her life.  Each one got a different story, they had a blast!  Then slowly she got to know them and told them about the prank they'd played.  She had her reasons for wanting and needing privacy right then, but when the time was right she'd shared her truth. She has made amazing friendships in our neighborhood, she talks with everyone and is the life of the party.  This same child would sit under tables in grade school to avoid being noticed. 

I felt a touch guilty as she shared with me the close relationships she has with all of her neighbors.  I haven't put energy and effort into doing that myself.  I enjoy my peaceful time.  But maybe, just maybe it's time to stop being quite so secluded.  I know I have observed this many times before, I also know that I usually resort back to my little safe cocoon.  Who knows, maybe it is like when you buy a new kind of car and all the sudden they are literally everywhere.  Maybe the need to connect to people is becoming so great that it is showing up everywhere?

I don't have any answers to all of this, I don't have solutions or even ideas of how to more the pendulum the other direction.  I just feel deep in my soul that we are at a point where we have to do it, all of us.  If the shoe had been on the other foot at the grocery store how would I have responded?  If I encountered someone I didn't know at the park would it have been in fear?  I don't know, I don't have answers. Only questions. 

I think it's time to work on changing directions though....

love and peace...

lessons learned...

Do you ever sit down at the end of the day and realize that it is almost the first time all day that you've stopped?  That you are finally not busy? Today has been a blur since I woke up.  I slept in, 7 am is not a normal wake up for me, but I was up until around 12:30 am so, I guess it all balances out. 

The day started at a rush and just kept going.  Hubs went to spend the day fishing down at Trout Lodge, he's there for a retreat for the next couple of days, but today was simply about him and a buddy spending some quality time wetting a line and talking away. 

I spent my day entertaining puppies, canning up the case of tomatoes that had to be finished today (I'm sitting here waiting for the pressure to go down so I can take the last batch out of the canner), running errands and spending a bit of time with my girl.  We don't often get to spend time just the two of us, so it was nice. 

She was gifted some boards that she thought maybe I could use to make some signs, and I do believe she is correct.  They are the kind that would make great farmhouse signs.  I went over to pick them up, visited with her for a bit, both of us got terrified by a baby snake that simple did not want to leave, we planned thinning out her catnip and mint plants, I will probably go over a couple of times this week and put some in pots for her. I helped her get her stuff out for the yard sale, she is working a bigger job this week and won't have much time, I will have time, so I spent it enjoying her company and working together. 

I had to return some tops today, I'd ordered what size I thought I would/could wear, never in a million years dreaming that I could wear an even smaller size now.  It was unbelievable to me that they were too big, I'd felt I was being overly optimistic when I ordered the size I did.  I decided while I was there I would see if they had any shorts in Hubs size, he only managed to get two pairs the day before and they were the same color.  It's summer, he needs shorts.  They did have them so I got back into line.  I stood in that line for 45 minutes.  My legs were hurting and I was tired.  I thought about saying never mind, but I felt I should stay and get them for him.  

There was a single cashier, no other help anywhere to be seen.  His tag said he was an associate in training.  If I still hired people, I would hire him in a second.  He was super polite, apologized for the delay and stayed cheerful as he worked non-stop.  I asked him if he had any help, his reply, "I hope some relief will show up soon ma'am, but I promise that I will help everyone a quickly as I can until that happens".  I was there for about an hour and a half total and he was the only employee I saw during that entire time. He smiled to everyone and acted as if taking care of them was the most important thing in the world.  I was amazed, he had every reason to be snarly, off-tempered and frustrated.  And yet, he chose to be the exact opposite. 

I left that store and went to another to pick up an order and get a couple of things for my girl.  I decided to shop first, but I was getting tired of shopping and ready to be done.  I found a line and got in it.  One person in front of me, wouldn't be too bad.  The man in front of me was in a sling and struggling to unload his cart, the cashier was so sweet and helped him out.  As he started to pay I was getting more and more tired and feeling a bit fussy inside.  I pulled out gift card after gift card to pay for his bill that was over $300, each time it lowered it by $5 - $25 dollars, I was starting to wonder if I was destined to be in the longest line all day.  Knowing, that I was done with shopping and any other plans for the day were going to have to wait.

Finally it was my turn.  I explained to the cashier that I had two separate baskets, one was mine, one was my daughters.  This opened the door for the cashier to tell me all about what she and her daughter were going through in life and how traumatic it was.  I was definitely feeling overwhelmed by the story and my need to finally be home and sitting.  I was worn and had expended far too much energy on non-productive things.  The line was growing.  I kept prodding her to complete the transaction, almost wishing I had opted for self-checkout.  I hate the way the cashier bags my purchase when I self-checkout.  Anyhow as we were wrapping up she mentioned that her daughter might have cancer and needed prayers.  I didn't think twice as I gathered my bags up and started to walk away, reassuring her that I would send up prayers for her daughter. 

It was what she said next that stopped me in my tracks for a moment.  As I said good-bye and wished her a wonderful day, she paused, smiled and then thanked me to for taking the time to listen to her. I felt horrible inside and blessed at the same time. 

Horrible for thinking that she was rambling on and wanting to leave.  Blessed because despite myself I was able to be there during a moment that she needed someone to listen. We are all here trying to make it through this crazy human experience and I almost didn't give her the grace she needed. 

Now I'm sitting here hoping the sky clears just enough for me to see some of the Lunar eclipse, Hubs has a fantastic view across the lake from his room.  I know he'll send me photo's if he can see it. I will go and pull those basil tomatoes and head up to bed shortly.  I'm worn out. 

My lessons learned today where to remember to make time for everyone.  We are all on this journey to the same destination, but following different paths and timelines.  Be that person for someone, share the kind word, listen without judgement and simply be the person you want to encounter in all of this... 

Okay, eyelids are drifting... it's time to call it a wrap... don't forget to look at the eclipse if you can see it and to listen... In a world where we can chose to be anything... please be kind. 

love and peace...

ps - all photos tonight courtesy of the Hubs.

struggle bus...

Rain, rain, rain... I am absolutely loving this! It's cold, dreary and perfect.  I love this kind of weather, it fills my heart with joy.  I spent most of my younger years in Germany and this weather completely makes me homesick. The dreariness brings out the need to nest.  To curl up with hot coffee and some type of handwork.  I would love to have a fire cracking in the fireplace.  Unfortunately, it is far too warm for that bit of hygge in my life. 

This morning as Hubs and I were walking we kept a close eye on the very dark and ominous clouds rolling in.  Both of us sure it would catch us far from home.  My knee and his strained muscle insuring that neither of us would make it home to avoid being soaked to the bone.  Luckily, it waited.  In fact here it is almost two hours later and it is "raining" so to speak, but honestly it's only a light sprinkling.  I'm holding out for the downpour, thunder and lightning.  Fingers crossed. 

I haven't written much lately, I've been busy sorting through random thoughts and concerns.  I struggle with what to say and how to say it around certain things.  My guess is that I am concerned that I am going to offend people with the thoughts that rattle around. 

Then I question why?  Not why might I offend, I am keenly aware of why, but more so why does it matter.  Why do I care?  I believe that we, our nation, have created this type of feeling.  The past couple days Hubs has entertained me with historical documentaries, I am a huge fan of understanding the past to avoid the same mistakes in the future.  I can't recall the name of the show we watched yesterday, and sweet Hubs is napping, but... it dealt with conversations from the last of the living Nazi's.  

It rocked me to my core. My knitting needles stilled and my heart hurt. It felt like a veil was lifted, it made the world we are now living in far too clear to see.  I am still processing it. 

It involved a great deal of reading as the entire thing was done in subtitles. The senior's all in their late 80's to 90's recounted how they had gradually come to see the Jewish people as non-people.  How they had turned their backs on friends, how they had ultimately turned them over for extermination.  They talked about their schooling, uniforms, the requirements to participate in clubs guided my pro-Hitler forces.  How it shaped the people they became, how it led them to be okay with knowing that hundreds of thousands Jewish men, women and children were murdered.  How other's were murdered with them. 

I've walked Dachau many times, in a state of shock and disbelief.  Each time feeling that it would make more sense if I continued to go, that at some point the horror of it would fade a bit.  It never did.  As I aged it only intensified.  I have taken my children there, they needed to know the extent of evil that man can inflict on man. I have walked the grave yards sprinkled throughout Europe and had tears roll down my face while trying to explain to fifth-grade scouts why the crosses were black and the ages so very, very young. 

For years I have listened as the former President was called a Nazi and even equaled to Hitler.  I fear our school system has deliberately blurred facts and that we are too afraid to look any deeper than what we are taught to see the truth.  We allow our schools to teach our children hate.  It's happened for a very, very long time.  It was truly how Hitler took control.  How so many humans were exterminated. Hate was stirred at a very young age.  

Most of those time worn people said it was horrific, that it should have never happened, that they were filled with remorse.  None of them worked at the camps, but they all knew of them.  Many of those blue eyes were filled with tears and a lifetime of pain at what they had participated in. 

But there was one.  

He's the one that made my blood run cold.  He was a distinguished looking man.  Very dapper.  And he looked right at the interviewer and said he was proud of his role.  He was proud to have been part of it.  He did disagree about the murders, felt they should have just been pushed away, but he still supported Hitler.  

Here's where I am struggling.  So much of what they said, the manipulation and control, the way they used things a simple as basic freedoms to formulate the way people thought is hitting me gut right now.  Because if you take away the emotions, the rhetoric and the voices that keep yelling - begging you to only listen to their perspective - we are living the same story line.  We are creating a globe of people afraid to speak their own truth, to feel their own feelings and to be guided by the basic freedoms that we used to claim to cherish. 

I am on a serious struggle bus right now. I am a firm believer in individual sovereignty. I believe that each of us has a God given right to create the life that we have been sent here to create.  I will never disagree with your thoughts or beliefs.  We are all on a different journey in this current time.  

I am struggling because history is most definitely repeating itself.  The hatred is growing stronger every single day.  I am continuing to pray and meditate that we wake up, that we see what is being done to us as a whole.  

Why did they accept it?  On both sides the Jew and non-Jew?  Because it was gradual, those on the "good" side in their eyes didn't notice their friends were disappearing because it was slow and methodical, and in their own words once they did, they were far too terrified to say or do anything for fear that they would end up in one of those massive ovens.  Those on the "bad" side, kept accepting the restrictions without fighting back because they didn't realize the path they were being forced down until it was far too late to change their fates. 

I wish there was a magic wand to wave over the world, one that would cause people to always step back and rationalize things through.  So much does not make sense until you do.  Oh you can easily listen to what they are telling you, but does it make sense in the light of day?  Probably not. 

I am not getting on a soapbox, I am striving to stay in the middle and understand both sides, but each day finds me more and more disgusted and afraid that people will continue on the path they are on blindly, without questioning and the ripple effect will result in things that we cannot begin to fathom. 

Wow... I guess the gloominess was more overpowering than I realized.  I had to process what I saw yesterday and pair it with what I have witnessed myself.  The Nazi's are simply the latest incarnation of that form of evil.  My heart has never believed that it died with Hitler (frankly - I don't really believe he died), and with what I am witnessing now... I have more faith in my heart than ever before. 

None of us is greater than the other.  Our beliefs, our feelings, our goals and outcomes are all individual and equal.  Sadly, everyone of us is at the mercy of group think.  Regardless of the current need to erase history, don't buy into it.  At any point in time every single race, creed, belief, gender, etc has come to represent the ones that are in the wrong.  That we should all rally against. 

I feel more and more like I am on a grade school playground, watching the varying bully groups.  Trying to guess who will be the victim next... it's been going on since time began. 

I can't be part of it.  It isn't who I am.  I was the kid that chose to sit on the sidelines, to not be part of the groups, because there was always someone hurt by the group bully and I didn't want or need to be part of it. Ya know what... I'm okay with that mindset even today. 

I will love everyone (even the unlovable - and I know a few that are so wrapped in hate its unbelievable), but I will choose if you are allowed to be close to me and be part of my inner circle. I will do all I can to help others, I will respect everyone's beliefs, thoughts and ideals.  All I ask is the same courtesy. And I will never force you to accept mine. 

As you can tell, I'm on the struggle bus.  If I go silent for a while, understand it is how I am processing and observing things.  I need to further explore this new layer that has opened before my eyes, I need to understand the entire picture. 

peace and love everyone...