going backwards!

Convenience kills skills.

The other day in the midst of the chaos that is my current life, while doing what seemed like an everyday thing for me lately, I heard those words on a podcast I was listening to.  

It's been rattling in my brain like a fire poker for days now.  The person speaking went on to explain their reasoning, their thoughts on the whole matter.  Oddly, it wasn't on one of my homesteading, gardening, homemaking type channels.  It was simply a random one that I stumbled on.  One I used to listen to all the time, but rarely take the time to listen to lately.  

I'm not the only one feeling it.  That's all I could think, that's all I could feel. I've struggled so hard lately with understanding the losses in skills.  They simply seemed to vanish. 

Convenience kills skills.  

I heard those words while I was making a batch of granola for Hubs' to enjoy on his yogurt.  A fresh batch of yogurt was almost done and ready to be strained.  Knowing how much he loves "yogurt & granola" and hating how many "chemicals" are in even the cleanest granola has, I decided it was time to learn. 

It's stupid easy, and I can add any fruits, nuts, grains, or spices that he loves.  I've stumbled on a combination or two that we both really love, but I am still searching for healthier options. The options for dried fruits at the store are pretty darn limited and they still have things in them that I don' want him to be eating.  I will start experimenting with both dehydrated and freeze dried fruits in the coming batches. Slowly, I am removing the things that I do not want in our lives. I am killing convenience so to speak. 

This weekend while Hubs and I were out and about we ran into one of the big box stores, the ones we usually avoid at all costs.  He needed a new swimsuit, he's lost over 50 lbs and all of his others were about to be a legal issue if he wore them to the pool. 

Since the fabric stores are disappearing at an alarming rate, along with you ability to make the things that one might need, and as he is still losing weight we didn't want to buy a super expensive one.  I have to tell you, I felt like I was experiencing an allergic reaction.  I was overwhelmed by the smells, the feels, the intensity of it all.  I didn't want to shop there, I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to be experiencing the glut of big commercialism. And was slapped in the face with the glaring difference between commercialism and capitalism, but that is a topic for another time.

I think I will keep killing convenience.  

In the evenings, while I sit with Hubs, I am working on a winter sweater for him.  It isn't as quick as running to the store, or ordering online.  It takes time.  Each stitch is intentional, each row is custom.  It's made of 100% wool.  It will keep him warm, it will fit perfectly, because it was made just for him.  No one else will have one like it.  It's an original.  I have found a few patterns that I like for myself and another one or two that I will make for him.  By the time the cold weather arrives, they will be finished.  I will be remaking the beautiful brown one I made for myself.  I've lost too much weight to wear it, I love the yarn, I will not waste it, I will use the yarn, I will make another sweater to love and cherish.  

As I was cleaning out closets I found a few beautiful pieces that I can alter for each of us.  Alter, repair, re-purpose.  Those things are all possible when you aren't buying fast fashion.  Things that are made with real material, not some varying version of plastics and chemicals.  Items that will end up in landfill, pollution and waste for faceless corporations to gather wealth. 

The items that were still in great shape, but simply not going to be altered or worn, I drove all the way down to Crystal City.  By happenstance, I found out about a great volunteer run "thrift store".  I use the "thrift" part loosely.  

I will make that drive from now on, it's only about 40 minutes each way.  They only charge a quarter for anything someone needs to buy, they will gladly give it away if someone can't afford that amount.  The sign on the wall said $1 donation required to help keep the lights on.  While I was unloading everything I watched a woman wheel out a bike for her son, her eyes glassy a huge smile on her face.  She didn't have a dollar, she did have some things to donate instead.  Creating a circle that was beautiful and made my rotten day (it was definitely one for the books, nothing was going as planned) turn completely around.  Blessings abound if you are willing to pause and look for them.

Yes these things take time.  LOTS of time. That was stolen from us, along with the skills to make it happen. My daughter blessed me with a beautiful old wooden table this weekend, it's been abused a bit, neglected and in need of love.  I am so excited to work on it, to see what kind of difference I can make with it.  Some of those skills I learned in the past, some I will need to learn, some will require a learning curve. I'm game.

I learned to create an AI assisted photo of my pups
and install a screen on my car to cool the interior.

I'm sitting for a moment.  Relaxing, catching my breath. I've already been super busy today, Hubs had to rush to work around 6ish this morning, so after I packed his lunch and got him off, I kicked it into high gear.  It's 11:30 now, and I have accomplished so much. 

So far the gardens have been tended, watered and ready for a new day.  Some of the front flower beds have been weeded.  The laundry has been done, just waiting on the last of it to dry.  I've tidied the house, dusted and swept, still need to mop.  Just thought I'd wait until I quit walking back and forth over the floors I want to clean.  In the midst of all that I have cleaned out the fridge made a huge batch of fire starters (again, getting ready for winter is not something that one should wait until November for).  I gave Beau his mani/pedi - Belle took off to hide so I might forget about her's... Jokes on her I have it on my to do list, there will be no forgetting. I've climbed more steps than I wanted to (it was a busy weekend - I really wanted to be lazy) and for a moment, I will rest. 

shhhh... mom can't see me.

I'm a good boy!  There were treats promised.

I spent some time with some delightful young people not to long around, they were lamenting the skills that are no longer readily taught.  Cooking, sewing, wood working, gardening, auto mechanics, basic life skills. They were voicing concerns over how difficult it is find a way to learn those things, how even in the family home aren't being passed down.  As people are too busy just trying to make a living.  How they've stopped making a life. Personally, I will continue to learn and grow.  I will continue to kill convenience. If I can't do it myself, I will either learn or find someone that is doing those things I can't and either purchase it or learn from them.  I will also share my skills and knowledge with anyone that longs to learn.  

We really do need to refocus.  We need to stop being consumers, we need to become producers.  We need to support one another on that journey.  And frankly, I am praying there is a will to do just that.  This weekend was full of adventures, some of which I am still processing, because wow, just wow. 

I hope you take a moment each day to be inconvenienced.  I hope that you take that moment to explore doing something the hard way.  The richness of the reward is so fulfilling.  It's incredible how much more important something becomes when you work for it.  Not pay money, but work, sweat of your brow and fully self engaged in it.  The amount of appreciation you have for the finished result, there are not words. 

bowl + sweater

My sweet Hubs made me a new yarn bowl - I broke my last one.  I love it. And even more than how beautiful it is.  I love the memory of watching him carefully paint the layers, knowing he was thinking about me while creating it.  Sure he could have ordered one from Amazon, but it would just be stuff then.  It wouldn't be the treasure it is.  He made that for me, he cared enough to work on it, to learn the skill and execute the finished product.  In my world, that screams love!  I wasn't just a task on his to do list. 

We've been blessed with a beautiful day, in fact we've been blessed with a series of them.  So in a few moments I will go outside to build my last two flower beds and line them, get ready to fill them with dirt and an unbelievable amount of zinnia seeds. 

I guess I should stop sitting around, I don't know about you, but sometimes if the chair feels too comfortable, the rest goes too long, the momentum of the day goes right along with it and that is the end of things being accomplished.  I have work to do, things that make life meaningful and rich... so back to it! 

living life!

Time often slips away from me.  Not from bad things, but simply from living an incredible life.  I am often busier than I realize, again not in a bad way, but in a fulfilling and energizing way.  This morning I am sitting here, relaxing for a few minutes in front of the warmth of the fire that my sweet Hubs built for me as I was very cold for some reason.  

I won't linger for long.  I do have a lot to catch up on, again, I've let time swiftly sneak away from me.  The pups and I have been doing a lot of walks and hikes, we've climbed a few "mountains" to us, high hills if you live in the mountains.  The climbs were intense, but invigorating.  Hubs has even been able to join us a bit more and he definitely did a full hill climb with us.  We have discovered that we really love going to the Rockwoods Conservation Area about 25 minutes away.  

In fact I am pretty sure we will go today.  There is a 2.5 mile trail that I have been longing to try out. Until we try it, I don't want to take Hubs.  Too many hills aren't great for his back while he is healing. And healing he is.  Although there is another trail just 15 minutes from our house that was pretty darn incredible and we could tackle the whole thing today, I wimped out last time... Oh the decisions.  

Emmenegger Nature Park

Emmenegger Nature Park

He opted out of surgery for his back.  Too many doctors want to go that route straight away.  Thankfully, he was assigned to an incredible pain management doctor.  We both love him!  The last thing he suggested was surgery, in fact he advised against it.  He asked for 90 days.  Ninety days to use natural methods, movement, water therapies, diet, walking, and ultimately a few injections to help with the journey.  Discussions are always around the proper shoes, what to eliminate from his diet, movements that will accelerate healing and strength.  

Rockwood Conservation Area
1/3 of the way up on Trail among the Trees

My focus for Beau this year was to get him healthier, to hopefully prevent another seizure ever.  Belle and I are benefitting from supporting our boys.  We are both getting stronger and healthier right along with them. 

naptime... this mom is crazy

Meramec Greenway -
Arnold Grove Trail

Moonshine Hallow Trail
 - St. Francois State Park 

They say you should always be learning and trying new things to prevent yourself from a wide assortment of ailments both mental and physical.  I'm gonna say we are on it this year. 

St. Francois State Park - just us

This morning as I was fixing Hubs lunch and prepping things that I will work on today, that thought was echoing through my head.  In a few I will get dressed and take my babies hiking.  But when we get home I have a busy day lined up.  By then the chickpeas will have soaked long enough to be canned and processed.  I need to prep a couple of batches of ice cream so I can use up my heavy cream, before I get the fresh batch.

I will start the yogurt tonight, because last night got wonky and I forgot. I'll put it on before we head out to pick up this weeks order from the farm. I am still in awe of how much I love fresh raw milk.  We have definitely had an amazing benefit taken away from us for far too long. 

Tomorrow I will finish the batch of french butter that is fermenting on the counter.  I am so intrigued by it.  The more I learn about fermented foods the more obsessed I become about incorporating it in our daily meals. 

I guess I am learning things on a regular basis.  

Tomorrow I am stepping out of my comfort zone and taking a class.  I don't need the whole class, but I will definitely take advantage of the opportunity it provides.  I'm going out to the August A. Busch Memorial Conservation Center to take a class.  I don't often do group anything and definitely not with complete strangers, on my own.  But here we are.  

Nature knitting with natural dyes... the title alone lured me in.  The course description sealed the deal.  It isn't about the knitting for me, as it is a learning to knit type scenario, but the natural dies... I'm in paradise.  They are going to teach us how to use things found in nature... pokeberries, pawpaw leaves and goldenrod flower heads oh my... to create natural dyes for yarn.  The fact that it was free was an even stronger motivation for me. Probably coupled by the fact that I have quite a bit of natural alpaca roving and a few skeins of natural fibers waiting for the chance to be vibrant and exciting.  Okay, that last bit is hysterical coming from a woman who's main wardrobe is multi-shades of black. 

I am a bit of a knowledge junkie.  I love to learn and experience new things.  

My learning journey is helping me to replace the disposable things, the chemically treated things, the toxic bi-products that we are taught are good for us, with things that truly are. Will I ever be able to replace it all, at this point in my life, probably not.  Can I minimize the impact on our lives and health, why yes I do believe so. 

There are many things that I would love the ability to have and do, I mean access to a nice deep well... come on what crazy woman doesn't dream of that?  A flock of laying hens?  Well, duh.  Seems a bit of a stretch for someone that lives in a HOA in suburbia.  So I'll take the small wins.  

Almost the peak of Trail among the Trees
Yup I was too afraid
to be that close to the edge

Rockwood Conservation Area

Moonshine Hallow Trail

Hikes amongst the trees and streams, just outside of the city limits.  Buying real food from a farmer, instead of the grocery store.  Growing and preserving what I can.  You get the idea.  Slowly the plastics and the unnatural fibers are leaving us.  

It's all about what fills your spirit.  This fills mine.  The healing, the recovery from a system I don't feel we were truly meant to be part of.  

I love this journey. 

Well, the fire is fading down to wispy embers, my toes are nice and warm.  It's time to start prepping for the hike.  Waters to fill, pups to get a dusting with food grade DE (Beau had a tick on him this morning... didn't know they could live in the cold temperatures - I was wrong evidently) and then we will spend some time walking in the forest.  Soaking up all that surrounds us and fills us with energy. 

I guess I'll decide where we are going as we leave the driveway.  But there are only two amazing days left before the predicted rains start falling.  I am positive that I will not go hiking in the hills in the rain, walking with two strong dogs requires me to have strong safe footing.  During the rains we will walk local. 

Have a blessed day, strive to learn and master something new every day.  It's so empowering.  

much love, 

b

beginning new journeys?

Last week record breaking heat, this morning possible snow?  Mother nature is definitely having some hormonal shifts. I doubt we will get snow, but at this point nothing surprises me.  I feel like the entire world is under going some kind of change.  At least I don't feel anxious about it any longer. 

Yesterday, as I was doing my odds and ends type chores and settling back into my routine while Hubs was at work, I spent a great deal of time in the silence.  Just thinking. I've just become aware of the terms cottage core and granny core in the past few months.  I am not really up to date on many things, but these two sort of humored me. A lot! 

I guess I have been on the "cutting edge" for a really long time and simply didn't know it.  My social media is filled with people wanting to hone their granny skills.  Wanting to remember and relearn the things that have intentionally been forgotten.  I always just assumed I was born in the wrong era or that I am simply just plain strange.  I have fought hard my whole life to keep the skills that others are chasing.  Who knew?  I mean does that mean my eccentricities are back in style? Does it mean that polyester and leisure suits aren't far behind?  Goodness I hope not!  I am praying that the desire to return to reality is just that a return.  

I am finding it a touch easier to access so many of the things that I never left.  

Modest clothing, and cotton, linen and wool fabrics are just a start.  I mean they are still crazy cost prohibitive, but lets be real do we really want or need disposable fast fashion and all the stuff that fills our closets and homes?  I have clothing I bought when my son was born.  He will soon be 35, I still wear my favorite sweater a couple times a month.  When I bought that beautiful cotton sweater I almost died at the price, I still remember the slight knot in my throat as I paid $35 dollars for it.  Can you imagine the cost today?  Yet here I am still wearing it, it's been mended a few times, I've had to sharpening my skill sets to learn how to mend knitwear so that it is invisible (mostly - I wasn't that good at it in the early days), but I think $1 a year is a fair investment at this point in time. 

Meet Gertrude my 1950 301a

I smile at the questions posed on many of the sewing groups I follow.  People longing to know the best machine they can buy for the craft that they are wanting to pursue.  I feel a profound sadness, in that I used to be one of the people longing for all the technology and doodads on my machines. Feeling it would somehow make the things I created better, fancier.  It didn't.  The machines I used the most are older than my sweet Hubs, and he is almost 74.  I create quilts, home goods, doll clothing, bedding, bags, etc on machines that I can personally disassemble, repair, and rebuild.  There are no fancy stitches, they are not computerized.  They stitch.  Oh I still have my fancy machine - although it is now almost 25 years old, it's tucked away under my sewing table, I rarely pull it out anymore.  In fact, I am probably only holding on to it for nostalgia's sake, I saved a long while to purchase that machine for myself and it was the fanciest and best I had ever owned.  

My sweet 221 also 1950 - meet Mildred

I now own a total of 19 machines and only two of them are under 50 years old.  Crazy isn't it.  If you are looking to hone your granny core or cottage core skill sets, I strongly recommend buying one of the classics.  The ones that have stood the test of time and still make a strong beautiful stitch.  If you need help finding one or fixing it, let me know.  I love to share that kind of knowledge.  I do believe that I will start getting a few of them ready for new homes this year.  Trial and error has taught me which ones I am extremely partial to and which ones I feel comfortable loving and passing off to someone else to cherish.  I am also considering offering sewing classes on my beautiful classic collection.  

one I may part with after I service it

Who knew so many people were missing out on the joy of creating the items for their homes.  Removing home ec (which by the way I despised) was a huge disservice to our younger generations.  The inability to create for, provide for, and sustain your own home and family has created a void.  So many people have lost their independence in a basic way, they are easier to control, manipulate and in my opinion steal from.  

The things we spend our hard earned dollars on are not often in our best interests. They are in the best interests of the people benefitting off of our labor and our dollars. But I digress. 

I am loving watching the return to actual cooking.  There was a time that going out to dinner was a treat.  Something that felt like a reward, a pure joy.  Now it is all bland, finding amazing doesn't happen often and then dealing with the after effects of a meal that you have no idea what was actually in it... mind blowing. 

Hubs and I spent a good part of last year educating ourselves on what is actually in our food.  We both were starting to have some health problems that we wanted to nip in the bud, so to speak.  It takes us hours to grocery shop now, as we read all of the labels, searching for real food.   Each time I am thankful that I have learned how to grow and preserve our own food.  

I am thankful that I am at home and able to make a home for us.  I found a recipe that I wanted to try yesterday, it was a Curry Lentil Stew.  Hubs was definitely not sure about it.  Struggled to wrap his head around those flavors together.  I made it any how.  I mean worse case scenario was we went to the cantry and picked a different meal.  It was wonderful.  I even decided to try my hand at a high protein naan to dip. I felt my naan needed a bit more work, but Hubs felt it was delicious.  Either he was telling a tale to boost my spirits or I am being a bit too judgmental in my expectations. I feel the truth is somewhere in the middle. 

The entire meal was made from whole, natural ingredients.  There were no chemicals, no words that you need a dictionary to look them up.  Just food.  The way it was always intended to be. The thing is these things take time and energy.  Unfortunately, for most of us, when working a 40+ hour work week, that precious commodity doesn't exist. 

I don't need to learn a great many of the skills that I see all these different groups setting intentions to learn this year.  I have spent a lifetime holding on to the threads and honing my skills.  But there are many things that others have perfected that I am still pulling back on.  That I have tried, failed and moved on from.  Some of that failure was linked to the season of my life that I was in, working to much to focus, struggling to keep all the different balls in my world up in the air.  In this season, I am finding myself willing to try again. 

In my past I used to make a lot of my clothing, heck I have sewn wedding dresses, bridesmaids dress and even a flamenco gown.  I do have the basic skill set and knowledge.  It just became easier to lean into fast fashion.  Yup, guilty as charged. But in my desire to eliminate man made plastic based fabrics from my life, I am on the verge of starting to sew clothing again. To help stop the waste that we have contributed to.  

And sour dough will likely be a thing this year, as I work to eliminate the unhealthy big AG stuff they are trying to pass off as food. I usually end up starving the poor thing.  I am also going to work on expanding my knowledge of food preservation to include fermentation.  As I am relearning is vital importance to our gut health.   And eventually, I will start grinding my own grains, because the stuff they are doing to our flour is obscene. 

I was a trail blazer without ever realizing it.  I wasn't odd or trapped in the wrong era.  I was always supposed to remember and strive to continue so that I could help share it with others.  And here's the thing, I have always loved sharing my knowledge and helping others develop the skills to sustain them.  There was simply a time when few were interested. 

They are simply not impressed at all

Please to tell me... are you expanding any of those skill sets that have been gathering dust on the shelves of your mind?  Anyone a master carver?  Basket weaver?  Fabric weaver?  We might need to collaborate.  I long to learn new skills, I also long to share the ones I have.  

Well... almost med time for Beau, which means it is also time for me to start my day, so much I want to do and accomplish... 

much love, 

b

judged...

It's incredible how a good night's rest can make your day so different from the day before.  I'm only on my second cup of coffee, but haven't drank a single cup hot yet.  Exhaustion can be your friend, I slept so well last night.  Here it is 8 am and I have already tidied the house, showered, fed everyone and now I'm sitting in my chair disappointing my big boy while I write. 

I guess I spend way too much time with my hair messy, roaming around in either my pj's or my "play clothes".  After drying my hair (usually let it air dry) and putting on jeans and a t-shirt I headed down stairs.  Popped my head in to check on Beau on my way down.  He was sound asleep, or at least it appeared that way, as soon as I cleared the doorway, he hopped up and dang near chased me down the stairs.  Running from door to door to see what mischief mom could be up to this early in the morning. Oh the disappointment as he headed up the stairs, glancing back at me with disdain, how dare I get his hopes up and then sit down and not go any where.  

Guess I will have to take them somewhere today, although I have no idea where.  Their favorite park is currently under water from the flooding. And I am fairly positive that my oldest grand daughter would be less than pleased if I showed up to pick her up for work with them in the backseat. Decisions, decisions.

the old lilac is finally getting flowers

The birds are singing and the world is slowly starting to green up nicely.  I love the freshness of spring, the transition from silent and bleak to vibrant and alive.  Definitely makes my world brighter.   We have a male cardinal that sleeps on a hook Hubs put up years ago to hang lights at Christmas from under the eave on the front porch.  He's very vocal when we go outside at night, letting us know that we do not belong in his space. By day he is out back or in the holly tree, very rarely do I spot him in the giant pine outside my sewing room.  He's never far.  My sweet Hubs named him Joe, because they say when a cardinal is near one of your departed loved ones is near also.  He's sure my dad is visiting and staying with us now.  Who knows... 

I used white cheddar, not yellow

Yesterday ended up super productive despite the level of exhaustion I was fighting off.  The Cheez its turned out incredible, so much so that I need to make another batch to go with the tomato soup we never got around to having last night.  I can't really describe the feeling of satisfaction that comes with knowing you can make some of the foods you love, minus the chemical cocktails they put in them. It feels as good as harvesting your own organic veggies and making your own quilts. 

Today will have to include some soap making, did a quick inventory yesterday and we are getting to a critical point.  It takes about six weeks for a batch to cure.  I've been saying for months that I was going to get a batch made, well... it hasn't happened.  Between illnesses, anxiety, the whole life thing... well, it took bottom priority. Hubs is running out of shaving lather and the supply of soaps are getting super slim, so this afternoon is dedicated to soaping.  I was looking through my different oils and feel like I can comfortably make two or three batches minimum.  That means at least 24 or 36 bars of soap.  I have plenty to make his shaving lather, so that isn't going to be a problem at all.  

A few weeks ago I made him an after shave lotion.  It was the first time he'd asked me to try it.  Thankfully, it turned out great and he's loving it.  Recipe is definitely saved! I'm going to match his shaving lather up with that fragrance oil so he doesn't have conflicting fragrances.

I truly love making soaps so I am sure why I put it off. Oh yeah, I'm not incredibly great at staying focused.  That is what I am currently working on after all.  Ya'll should totally see my calendar, all the lines scratched out, all the added items.  I'm working very hard on keeping myself organized and on track.  

She can be a bit judgy too...

Bless my sweet Hubs' heart he is trying so hard to help me.  It's sort of like the blind leading the blind.  Because both of us are great at making lists and knowing what needs done, but staying on track... well that is a whole different story. Thankfully, we are both focused on reclaiming out yard, before it all erodes down the hillside. 

About two weeks ago we addressed the issue of rerouting the drainage after the tree came down, and all of the storms have assured us that we fixed it correctly. This weekend we will start working on burying the drainage, getting loads of dirt to fix the erosion and finally starting to lay sod.  In the midst of all of that I will get the zinnia's planted at the fence line, combination of erosion control and beauty.  I am putting a lot of sunflowers in this year, so I need to get those planted as well.  They are perfect for healing the soil and ours needs it desperately.  Yep, I'm not a fan of chemicals in my yard either.  

I have a few other flowers we want to plant. Some cosmos and marigolds for the pollinators, some lavender for the pollinators and to harvest to make our own essential oils and such. We'll start on the wood piles before it gets hot, but definitely not this coming weekend.  

We pick up our newest elderberry tree in a couple of weeks.  I'm working on my elderberry forest.   Not really, although it will bring me to three american elderberries all different varietals. I didn't know that I'd be able to get a free tree in exchange for chopping down our massive Bradford pear tree.  I definitely didn't know I could get an elderberry.  I almost went with a PawPaw tree, I would love to include those in our space, but you need two of them also and I am running out of areas to place them, so I stuck with elderberry.  I use the berries for so many things and having three of them I might even be able to eventually be able to harvest enough to try my hand a wine. 

So on top of his birthday present, we have a very hard labor filled busy weekend waiting for us.  Oh yeah, we will also be setting up our new freeze dryer and getting it ready for it's maiden use. Both of us may need some extra rest next week! I guess it's the start of busy season...

Well, the oven beeped to let me know it is ready, so it's time to get busy.  I'm trying to limit myself to an hour total of typing, editing and stopping a dozen times for meds and/or potty breaks for pups. 

I hope you all have a wonderful day!  

love and peace...

listening to my heart...

Is it really only 8:17 am?  I feel like it should be just about lunchtime. Barely had a sip of coffee when Hubs needed a hand, so pups got their first Kong of the day and I set about helping. One thing led to another, I am always that way, and before I knew what had happened I was sweeping floors and cutting soap. 

Alpine Frost

The house smells heavenly. There is Alpine Frost, Sea Salt and Lily and of course Eucalyptus and Cotton mixing in with the oranges from the day before.  No matter where you turn is a soft spring like fragrance.  I guess I was in the mood to bring springtime in a bit early. The three batches that I got finished yesterday are lye based, they won't be ready for at least six weeks. It's not like we are anywhere close to being out of soap, yet those tantalizing scents make us want to use it today.  

Eucalyptus & Cotton

We'll have to make due with the Turmeric and Orange, that was what I call a cheater soap, it's melt and pour. I guess it is not really truly a cheater soap, the quality is just as good, it's just too easy.  I feel like I am not giving it my all when I make a melt and pour soap, like I am taking short cuts and looking for the easy way out. 

Eucalyptus & Cotton

Alpine Frost

Sea Salt & Lily

It's going to be a busy day again.  I want to wrap up a few things before the weekend.  Not that we have big plans, but I guess a throw back to a normal work week.  I also want to make a nice dinner to celebrate the ending of a stressful work week. I am going to try my hand at kofta, wish me luck. Middle Eastern foods are not ones that I have dabbled in at all. We both love them, but as I have limited experience cooking them we usually go out to enjoy them. 

I don't know about you, but Hubs and I are both getting a bit weary of going out and being disappointed.  We don't eat out often, it is getting far too expensive and I am home, why not simply cook.  On the few occasions we do go out we ultimately end up sad, with few exceptions.  I mean Hola is always perfect! I've just decided it's time to up my game and learn to make a few more of our favorites at home. 

I was listening to my usual slate of pod-casts and YouTube channels yesterday while making soap and found little to truly be shocked about.  There was an ongoing theme of being prepared, learning to do more for yourselves and of course having faith in God.  While not shocking, given most of the channels are watch and listen to deal with learning new skills and faith. When the first point and the last point collided in the same one program, well that definitely gave me serious goosebumps considering the events of the day before and the fact that I had written about some of those things literally a few hours before I heard the program. 

Those moments of feeling like a pastor is speaking directly to you are a touch unnerving.  Hubs and I had a pastor that we loved listening to a long bit ago, and Hubs would always say "did you notice he was bouncing today?  The spirit grabbed hold of him for sure".  He's since passed away, but many times we both would have goosebumps and feel like we were being spoken directly to. That was my feeling yesterday. And while it made me feel a tad quivery inside, it also gave me confirmation that I was listening with my heart, as I am supposed to. 

Anyone else experienced that?  Not necessarily a pastor, but hearing something and feeling you were meant to hear it? It seems to be happening to me a lot lately.  Or things start showing up that I am pondering.  

For example, I read the packaging of a medication the vet had prescribed for the pups.  I didn't have a good feeling in my heart about it and was more distraught when I read the warning on the packaging from them saying not to give to dogs under 6 months old.  At the time they were only 4 months and had already had two doses of the medication. My heart was screaming at me to do more research to dig in and find out all that I could.  Yet before I even had a chance, so many articles kept popping up in different places of dogs dying suddenly after taking this particular medication or starting to have seizures.  

My heart told me that the medications weren't good for them, then the universe provided the information.  Oddly enough, since I refused to give them any more (yup there is $300 worth of medication sitting on a shelf high up in the pantry) I haven't seen any more articles or stories about it.  I'd read enough.  I think about that often, it was such a powerful feeling. 

Things like that seem to be occurring with startling regularity. Confirmation of feelings and faith. I do find that I live my life in that basis, feeling and faith.  And when I do that, things move smoothly, without fear, frustration or worry. When I don't... well... wheels fall off of buses so to speak. 

I will probably make a few more batches of soap today, not positive.  Hubs has a long series of tests and exams this afternoon and I am not sure if he needs a driver or not.  That will determine how the day will actually progress. I definitely want to get a few more made, I was enjoying being lost in the moment while making my soaps yesterday.  

I'm also going to make the time to prepare a large batch of homemade food for my pups. They have been really pushing back on eating the dried food, and my gut is telling me that it truly isn't the best food to feed them. As they are over a year, I feel comfortable in switching up their feed. If they enjoy it, I will make a larger batch and get it canned up.  I prefer to feed them high quality homemade meals. 

My inner doubting Thomas is feeling very leery of most things I can buy pre-made to make my life easier.  I don't know what a lot of the ingredients are, as I've never encountered them in the natural world.  And that applies to human and pet food.  

Maybe I'm not really lost in the past, maybe I am the way I am to survive this current world.  Maybe the journey is far different than we've been led to believe?

It's time to get with it... 

love and prayers... 

healing, clearing...

My sleepy brain has struggled to come awake.  I might be getting too old for sleeping 5 hour or less at night.  My hot coffee is helping.  It going to be tough day. I'm a bit weary physically from the past week.  It's been a long, hard labor kind of week.  

After a self inflicted week of digging through the past, deciding what to keep and what needed to go, I opted to go and help my girl out.  She was working on a big project in Arkansas, she needed help and it gave us some time to spend together.  Luckily having been in property management (not the kind where you run real estate), I have a strong skill set that she needed. Ironically, most of the men I encountered this weekend were quick to discredit that skill set.  It's okay, I didn't need their acknowledgement and knew where to push to keep things moving and get them finish.  

I guess I don't really come across as someone that possesses those skills.  I was humored.  I was even more humored when I could have prevented a bit of struggle and work, if they would have listened.... And when they choose to ignore me and shut me down, I choose to be silent. Let them expend the time and energy, they evidently need to learn by experiencing those things.  My girl's skill set is strong also, I have simply experienced a few more things than she has (nice way of saying I'm old - I've had more time to make mistakes and learn from them.)

This past week has definitely been about healing.  It's been wrapped up in letting go of the past and moving head first into life.  It's been strange and wonderful.  There have been tears, there have been smiles.  This past weekend there laughter, moaning, frustration and a sense of closure for me. 

In fact the entire stretch of time has held all of those emotions and more.  Mostly it has held the powerful feeling of closure and healing.  Some conversations can never be held, deepest feelings and emotions forever halted at the time of death.  The very act of clearing away physical trinkets and memories, also released those feelings that were stagnate and trapped. It felt like I have finally been able to release things that have been holding my back.  Holding me hostage to my own feelings and emotions.

Helping my girl this weekend brought closure to a painful chapter in my life. It allowed me to make peace with someone that had inadvertently and for the best of reasons hurt me. Helping to tidy up the remaining pieces of his lifetime, cleaning and painting in silence gave me time to release those feelings and respect the reason the actions happened. It was like clear water being poured into a long festering wound. 

As we headed out to return home, it was a bag of mixed emotions, but all of them felt pure.  

My girl had to deal with a phone call that almost brought her to her knees just before we left.  The struggle not to run to her as she requested a bit of time alone to process the loss of a very dear friend was real.  That she allowed me to hold her while she hurt... indescribable. My girl is not fond of touch, her melting into my arms and drawing on my strength drove home how deeply hurt she was. 

My girl and I rarely have one on one time.  It's often cluttered with others, schedules and the day to day chaos that is life.  To have roughly 12 hours to just the two of us, was priceless, even though we were both struggling through that long drive home after working so hard for two days.  We talked about a million things.  Some large, some tiny, some important, some mundane all of it was perfection. 

Today, I am struggling.  My eyes are heavy, my body is tender, but my soul feels like many of the little tears that life creates were patched and mended. It's now time to get back to work, I am not allowing myself a nap, I want a long night of deep sleep.

2023 is starting off in a very strange way.  A healing way.  I am thankful for the growth and the journey. 

under the stars...

 The night sounds are so beautiful.  If Hubs was home I'd probably have him build us a small fire to sit beside and enjoy the beauty that surrounds us.  As he is still visiting his Sis, I am going to simply sit out here under the stars surrounded by the soft lights and enjoy the peacefulness.  I finished my sweater just in time, as I'm sitting here wrapped up in it's warmth, it's been a rather cool and breezy day.  A harbinger of the coming autumn season.  We are still a few weeks away and if it's anything like a normal year we will have balmy warm days through October and early November.  

But tonight is cool, almost cold, sitting here under the blanket of stars. The puppies are getting their final romp of the night, hopefully wearing themselves out so they will sleep.  Tomorrow will find Hubs back home and another week beginning.  

I feel like we are on the edge of something more powerful than any of us have ever imagined.  I don't know what it is, but there is an edginess to the world, to nature, to the energy around us.  I am praying that it will finally be the beginning of light and love, we've had so much sadness.  So much anger and confusion.  I am praying so much lately, almost pleading with God to hear the prayers of the weary.  

I have dear friends that live in Europe, I have family in states that are struggling, I pray daily that they are safe, healthy and protected.  I worry about the things I hear on the news, will the people of Europe truly suffer what keeps coming up?  What about California?  

I try not to dwell on these things.  It's one of the reasons I am being so quiet lately.  I don't have the energy left to wonder and dwell.  Instead, I am focused on leaving it all in God's hands and doing the things that bring me comfort and peace. 

A friend reached out the other day asking if I could donate to a silent auction they are having in her community.  I paused for a moment, I needed more information.  I'm still pondering what my donation will be, do I truly have anything of value that will help?  When she told me the theme of the event, my decision was made.  How could I not support "A Journey of Hope".  

In my former life we used to do an ice breaker at our meetings, one of the things to do was to say which one of the core values we most identified with... I always chose hopeful. I am not so sure that I am a pure optimist, I often find myself working through feelings of defeat and loss, but I am forever hopeful that pure goodness will ultimately rule the day.  I am forever hopeful of a bright future. 

She had me at hope. 

I will start to plan my donation tomorrow, I might even deliver it when I head to the Amish market on Friday.  She doesn't need it right away, but I know the longer I ponder it, the less sure I will be of my choices. It's best to simply dive in. 

Sitting out here in the garden, surrounded by stars and the calming sounds of the night, I feel a strong sense of hope.  Yep, I do wear those rose colored glasses well.  I simply cannot accept that this hurting, divided, injured world is going to stay the way it is.  We are not meant to hate, to fear, to doubt.  We are meant to love, to lift up, to give, to hope.  

Hmmmm... Almost sounds like I've been drinking a bit too much wine doesn't it?  Ironically, it's just Earl Gray tea with a couple of sugar-free peanut butter cookies.  I can't be the only person that feels hopeful.  At least I pray that I am not. 

To me being hopeful doesn't mean I am sitting around doing nothing.  That I am just going to pray and wait for a good outcome.  I happen to be a person that believes the Lord is asking us to roll up our sleeves and do the work he is asking us to do.  

I feel strongly that I need to keep taking good care of my family.  Right now the only part of my family that needs me to be there full time are the puppies and my sweet Hubs.  I've raised strong children that are busy living their best lives.  I take my role seriously.  

As I worked today on putting up things for winter I felt a calmness in my soul.  I love that I can spend a few hours and provide the freshness of summer all winter long.  My beautiful garden is still covered with a harvest not gathered yet.  While stirring the batch of apple butter and peeling the acorn squash to be canned now and roasted later, I was plotting what I will do with this incredible bounty of peppers that I am surrounded with.  

Some I will dry and grind, those Hot Pinata Peppers, look to be powerful in the tiny, tight, gnarled spears. I didn't buy those seeds, they came in one of my orders as a thank you.  I have no idea how spicy they are, all I know is they look fierce. The sweet peppers will probably end up eaten by Hubs and those not eaten will end up in a stuffed pepper soup.  

There are still tomatoes and okra that I harvest almost daily, the same with the green beans.  I canned the last batch of green beans, but Hubs couldn't wait and made them for dinner the next night.  I have to admit, I was fairly pleased with them.  It's the first time I've ever had a good harvest of beans.  It's hard to have a great bountiful garden when you grow it in pots on your deck. 

Tomorrow morning my friend will drop off some soups for me to process for them.  I have so many people that I am able to lean into and I love that they lean into me also.  In my perfect world, we aren't keeping score, we are working seamlessly together.  Each of us lifting the other in some way. They are always there when I need them, I am thankful to be able to be there for them also.  

I've enjoyed my quiet days, the television hasn't come on, the silence has been a balm to my weary soul.  I've played with my puppies, I've chatted with friends, I have barely left the house or even put shoes on (I love to walk barefoot outside - drives Hubs a bit nutty), I have puttered, I have worked, I have prayed and I have laughed.  But it's time for Hubs to come home.  We are a pair and it feels odd and empty to not have him here.  I'm still going to treasure the silence, but I will welcome the comfort that comes from hearing the television and his music wafting through the house. 

I thought that maybe there was no moon above tonight, but looking to the east I see it is starting to peek through the trees, I can't see enough of it to know what phase its' in, but it is bright through the branches. I don't think it is full, but it's close.  

Do you feel the energy changing?  Are you seeing a glass half full or half empty?  We are heading into a powerful time, are you ready?  Am I?

love and prayers... 

time alone...

Such a quiet morning.  The critters in the woods haven't even really woken up yet.  My little hummingbird that visited until bedtime last night is back bright and early. I never realized they chirped until last night.  She's been singing to me again this morning, announcing her arrival and departure.  I am going to make more sugar water for her in just a few moments and fill the feeders both again, she's almost emptied the one we filled on Saturday.  Must be getting ready for her southern flight. 

I saw one of the squirrels a few moments ago, but haven't heard their raucous play yet.  I guess they are just waking up too.  The only sound is the insects chirping and echoing back to one another.  I love mornings like this.  

Hubs is visiting Sis in Alabama this weekend, so I am solo with the pups.  I was pretty wiped out yesterday, he'd made his family quilt and I promised to get it quilted before he left.  I knew it wouldn't take more than 4 hours total. 

I had more than enough time, things were going super smooth and it should have been finished before dinner and BAM things started heading downhill.  I had to remove about 2 full rows of a 69 inch wide quilt because the machine wasn't holding tension.  Talk about frustration.  And it couldn't have been the easy peasy removal, it had to be the difficult some stitches were super loose and some were super tight... two hours later I was beyond frustrated and could see the disappointment in his eyes that he might not be able to take it with him to show his sis.  Those are not challenges I take lightly. 

Hub's "A Star is Born" quilt!

Ended up a small piece had fallen out of my binding casing during one of the bobbin changes, I didn't discover it, until long after I finally had the tension issue sorted out.  By that time, I was getting a touch tired and just popped it back in, without considering all the adjustments I'd made to get it stitching right again.  Yep, some scenario.  Uggghhhh.... frustration.

I finally got it all fixed and working right and all of the bad stitches pulled back out, and put the final hand stitch in the label at 1:15 am.  A bit of a late night for me.  Unfortunately, I was pretty wired from being awake past my bedtime and ended up ultimately getting only two and half hours of sleep.  It was quite a day.  

Even running on lack of sleep I was so happy to get his quilt finished up for him.  He did such an amazing job, it's only his sixth quilt, and each one impresses me even more.  He picked the colors, and his choice for the borders really made it pop! He doesn't give himself enough credit. 

Four days alone, spread out to do whatever I would like feels like a bit of paradise.  Don't get me wrong, I love my time with Hubs.  He is my absolute heart and best friend.  But sometimes having completely unstructured time is good for the soul. I still need to feed my puppies and play with them, but that is different. Being only responsible for yourself is different. 

Yesterday, I did some cleaning, canning, napping and knitting.  I spent hours sitting on the deck in silence last night with a small glass of wine and my pups.  We enjoyed the sounds of the night as the sun slowly sank and then turned on the lights and simply sat.  It was peaceful and gave me a chance to just soak up the silence and peace surrounding me. 

This morning, I have puttered in the garden, watered the freshly planted beans (it's totally an experiment, my horticultural beans had started to sprout... so waste not, want not - hopefully we will have enough pleasant days to get a fall harvest), talked to Hubs and sat here drinking my coffee while listening to the woods wake up.  The birds are just starting to sing, soon the sun will be fully over the horizon, not just kissing it and the world will be fully awake. 

Today will be busy, because much like most days I have some canning to do, I picked up a bushel of apples at the Amish market and I plan to make a bunch of applesauce.  I also want to  find a source of crab apples,  Found a recipe that I really want to try, I just don't happen to have a crab apple tree.  Anyone have one that wouldn't mind sharing??  The difference is that one of my friends is going to come for a visit and help me.  I can't wait!  Since we don't work together any longer, I really don't have much of an opportunity to spend time with her. 

My world is so different now.  My personal bucket is filled to over flowing daily.  But, I miss the folks that I hardly get to see anymore. I'm thankful to be able to communicate with them daily, but nothing beats quality one on one time.  That's why Hubs is out of town.  He's been missing his sister a lot lately and wishing the miles weren't so great between us. I completely understand. 

Can you see them? 
They are about 15 feet from me.

The chill in the morning air is reminding me to call for a load of firewood this week.  Soon it will be fall and the chill will turn deeper.  I have heard that you can tell the kind of winter you are expecting by the size of the acorns on the trees.  The bigger they are the more nature is preparing for the animals to be able to survive a long cold winter.  We have a huge oak tree in the back yard, I've admired it for 8 years, I've also wondered why I've never seen acorns on it, last night while sitting here I noticed that it not only has acorns it has an abundance of HUGE acorns on it. I don't know if it's an old wives tale or not, but I guess I should be ready for some quality inside time. 

Oh my, looks like I have a pair of hummingbirds darting around now.  I took a few moments pause to fill the feeder and now we have lots of company.  I love watching them get a drink and then fly up to the light string and pause for a rest, while chirping away. 

At some point tonight I will finish the last 3 inches of my Icelandic wool sweater that I am making for myself. I was so excited to find the wool at a reasonable price.  I'd heard so many great things about it and really wanted to try it.  I did a simple pattern that wouldn't take forever, just in case I hated it and had to list it in "that" sweaters column.  So far, I am in love.  It's a top down, so I was able to try it on after finishing the first sleeve.  The yarn is not at all soft and fluffy, but it is light and warm.  It's a traditional wool, so it is a bit scratchy, I'm hoping some of that softens up a bit when I soak it before blocking it.  We'll see.  Either way, I'm in love with the pattern and the color and can't wait for the chill in the air that will allow me to wear it. 

I rarely make things for myself, I am forever giving away the things I create to others.  I've shifted.  I am working on all the me projects that have been sitting around waiting for someday.  My socks, sweaters, scarves, mittens, quilts... it feels good. I don't know why I never thought about doing it before. 

Once I finish this one, I have another yarn that I have been waiting a year to use, I will cast on for the next sweater.  I'm trying to determine if I have enough of this beautiful yarn.  It's a handspun that Hubs bought me last year at the Kinmundy Cabins fall festival.  I fell in love with the color, so he decided I needed all of it that they had. I guess we will find out.  If I don't have enough, I could always make the collar and cuffs a coordinating color, or maybe I will make a sweater vest with it.  This one is soft and cozy, I can't wait. 

super hot peppers for drying

As much as I want to linger and observe the hummers and morning awaken, its time to start the day. Those apples won't magically become applesauce.  And I have a lot of things needing harvested and processed too from the garden. Time to start the other things that bring me joy... I hate to leave the beauty out here, rain is moving in, so I won't be able to sit here and savor the beauty tonight. 

Enjoy your magical weekend, find the things that bring you joy and pursue them with wild abandon.  And find a bit of time to spend truly by yourself without any other human, no matter how much you love them, it definitely refills your bucket so you have more to give to others later. 

love and prayers...