what's that sound?

Listening to the sound of the heavy rain outside is so calming.  I love the peacefulness of it.  I am in need of some peacefulness this morning. 

Yesterday was super busy, in a great way!  I am loving learning and doing and creating for my family.  I feel a sense of contentment that I truly did not realize was even possible.  I also have a very tired body.  I spend a lot of my day lifting heavy things and moving non-stop.  My arms are hating even lifting my coffee cup right this moment.  They are tired.  My back is tired and sore, but my spirit is soaring.  

I was glancing at some financial news articles this morning and noticed that ironically another major poultry farm a massive producer of eggs for supermarkets went up in flames. I realize those are horrible conditions for the birds, the eggs are inferior to what you could have if you raised your own, etc...  Unfortunately, there are far too few people that live in areas allowed to have their own chickens.  There are many people that have already been struggling to provide for their families and that eggs provided protein even though the cost of them has been going up. 

I also noticed that more baby food factories have been closed.  Why?  

We are definitely living in some seriously dark times. And if you don't see it, then you are choosing not to.  If it isn't the food costs escalating, it's the fuel, or utilities, or clothing, or the bare shelves at stores that they are rearranging things to hide. People are struggling mentally, the effects of the games that have been played are starting to show.  People are cracking. 

I needed the peacefulness of this morning.  The sound of the birds chirping, the rain gently falling now.  The stillness that reminds me that despite all of the chaos swirling around us, we have the choice and free will to decide whether we choose to participate or not. 

I fall on the not side. I always have. I'm not changing who I am at this late stage. 

Yesterday or maybe the day before I saw that article on "the book" about the things that 1940's women did to pull their families through the devastation left by two world wars and a depression. I've been pondering it a great deal, trying to rationalize why all of the sudden it is showing up in my feed.  What the game plan is, because it seems there is always a game plan.  

Thoughts have occurred to me about the fact that "the book" uses algorithms and the groups I follow tend to be around quilting, crafts, gardening, homemaking, cooking, canning, camping, traveling, etc.  So maybe their algorithms led them to think it would be of interest. 

Then I read the comments, because that is something I often do.  There were a whole lot of folks asking the same questions that I am asking.  Why is this showing up. What are they either foreshadowing or is it just that they are trying to raise fear and anxiety? Are they seriously trying to romanticize washing out your aluminum foil and rinsing your paper towels?  Pulling that bit of nostalgia to the forefront?  I think everyone had family members that did that. Most folks are not allowed to hang their laundry due to city ordinances, or at least not around here. The irony is that many things on that list have been banned in most areas.  Unsightly, noisy, unsanitary... hmmm...

All of these things are definitely bringing up some serious questions. 

Add to that the apparent inability of many businesses to hire workers.  And that some of the largest companies are starting layoffs and trying to lease out their own warehouses.  It's troubling. I try to rationalize why folks are choosing to be part of the work force.  Is it about money?  Has the discontent been raised that high with the non-stop $15 an hour minimum that people feel entitled to that?  Can they not see the cause and effect?  If you pay more, you have to increase the cost of your service or product to cover that increase, which therefore decreases the value of that salary increase.

I guess not. 

Or is it that people are learning to do without double incomes, thereby shorting the work force as one parent is staying home.  Finding a daycare for your children is an absolute nightmare and if you do find care, the costs are ridiculous in order to cover the salaries and other increases the businesses are dealing with.  Add to that the cost of gas, your food for the day, uniforms or work attire and you are pretty much working for nothing. 

For years I have heard more and more kids saying they would never lower themselves to working food service.  That it is demeaning.  Yet those jobs were traditionally held by the unskilled as their built their job history. Now we have kids showing up for job interviews wearing animal ears and unable to cope with the anxiety of job skill training.   

So many times I have toyed with returning to the work force, feeling guilty each time the worker shortage is brought up.  Gotta say, I'm not inclined.  I am better able to serve the needs of my family by being home. Not to mention that the first time an employee lost their cool with me over their inability to manage their own anxiety I would probably end up in jail. 

So much damage is being done.  So much damage has been done.  I hope you are paying attention.  I hope you are not simply sitting back and listening to the canned garbage that is spewed by all forms of the media.  I hope you are seriously taking stock in what is going on all around you.  Families are being destroyed, lives are changing at a speed that is the definition of insanity.  It's truly sad. 

It's supposed to rain all day.  I'm glad, we need the rain.  And I hope it washes some of the ugliness away.  I hope it brings a fresh start.  Am I putting on my rose colored glasses?  Of course I am. But while it is raining, I am going to get back to work being busy.  I am going to take care of my family and dearest friends.  I am going to continue to pray and send out positive energy, love and light.  I am going to keep on fighting in the only ways that I know of. 

And I am going to continue paying attention.  It's unbelievable what comes to light when you stop and take a deep breath. 

love and peace... 

deeper thoughts...

Is it crazy that I stood out in the treetop garden this morning thankful for the rain?  I'm tired today, more than that I am crazy sore.  I was brutally reminded yesterday that I am not in my 30's any longer. I spent my morning helping the Hubs.  He has a huge, labor intensive project and just like the rest of the world, not enough staff to accomplish the task.  I did it for him.  I will do it again.  Four straight hours of pressure washing is tough on a body that is closer to 60 than it is to 30 (Yikes... I just realized how very true that statement is... 3 years and a few months... how in the world did that happen?).

I promised to help finish it and I 100% will.  Seems there are not a lot of folks with the old work ethic around these days.  Feels like folks are more concerned with themselves and their successes and not so much about team work.  Besides it felt good to do something to help.  As a general rule, I don't volunteer my time anymore to certain activities, it doesn't have the same warm fuzzy that it used to.  For my Hubs... now that is an entirely different story.  If you know me well, you know that I am fierce about protecting my family. 

Since the rain is promising me a day of inside work, that is where my focus will be.  I need to run up to the grocery store here shortly, I ran out of sugar free pectin and want to get my sugar free blackberry jellies made today.  I also want to get the sugar free peach made also.  I only managed to finish up my Dijon mustard yesterday, after a morning drenched to the bone pressure washing, I was too exhausted to do much else.

I think I will have to make cowboy candy with all 
these red jalapeno's.  Should be pretty.

I never re-read my blogs after I have written them.  Maybe I should, I don't know.  I know I was on a bit of a roll the other day.  In fact, Hubs may have labeled me a "rantress" "if that is even a word".  Although he didn't disagree. While I was working yesterday I had the opportunity to catch up on a few of the vlogs that I am behind on, I don't think that I am alone in my concerns. 

Sri Lanka is just the canary in the coal mine.  Listening to mainstream information they are predicting a diesel shortage with rationing going on.  I'm concerned.  I'm also concerned about the sudden upswing in shootings.  I heard about the one in Texas last night and wanted to throw up.  

Do you question them?  I do.  Because we go for very long periods of time without anything like it and then suddenly... BOOM... there is a new one happening a couple of times a week.  It usually coincides with major events so as to distract us, it also always is immediately followed (in this case within hours) for a call to disarm the public.  

We have to start thinking far more logically about these things.  We have to start really thinking it through.  Stop accepting the media's story and start digging into what is really going on.  The reason I say this, I live in a larger city with an even larger urban area.  I rarely go downtown any longer, because of the fact that there are so many murders.  Not as bad as say Chicago, Detroit or say Baltimore, but still a substantially large number.  And who knows it could be more than those cities again, I don't work downtown any longer and don't really follow the statistics. 

Yes a mass shooting is horrific and I hope that everyone of the shooters rots in a hot spot for eternity. But the day to day shootings are larger in scope and no one is raising a concern on those.  Ironically, most of the places where gun violence is rampant are "gun free zones", I would assume a criminal feels fairly secure in the knowledge that they won't get shot there.  Our constitution gives us the right to bare arms.  So a gun free zone is a violation of the constitution.  Why are we always balking at the constitution.  If you want to have a gun, have a gun.  

What you cannot do is use that gun to murder.  That is a crime, already on the books, although at least in my city the prosecutors return those murders to the streets almost faster than they can arrest them. So what is the real problem?  The gun?  Or the human?

I am deeply in pain for those parents and loved ones.  I am also deeply in pain for the families of all the victims of random crime daily, where is that spotlight?  Where is the call to pay attention?  To see that the young man of yesterday had posted pictures on social media with his weapons and thoughts days before... that made me ill.  That means people knew he had issues that were bubbling.  But let's focus on the gun, an inanimate object that cannot act on it's own.  

There have been many other methods used to kill people.  Not just guns.  In the past few decades... there have been bombs made from fertilizer, pressure cookers, or possibly even planes (although, again I have my doubts).  What is the deeper reason here? What are we being distracted from?  Is it the skyrocketing cost of fuel?  Or groceries?  The fact that these incredibly weird weather patterns are affecting crops, particularly wheat (no I don't eat it, but millions do).  Or maybe it is they are trying to sneak in another "illness", ya know the one that has been around since the 50's?

When you have time to be still, to not be focused on the day to day distractions of a career, school, etc you also have time to process what is going on around you. The more I have that quiet time, the more questions I have.  As I am chopping or prepping for my next canning adventure I have lots of time to think about things.  Or when I am sitting quietly knitting or sewing.  While I am in my garden.  During these activities I am not worried about staffing, upcoming deadlines, budgets or anything else.  I am focused on our life.  When that noise level is so peaceful, there is so much that becomes bright and clear. 

All around us businesses are closing.  Rents are being raised on the small businesses by mega corporations that benefit either way, if it is filled they have income, if it is sitting empty they have a tax write off.  If the community suffers because of it, they really don't care. Some of them can't get inventory or supplies.  And most are struggling to figure out a business model that doesn't require as many people to keep the doors open. 

Could I go back to work, fill one of those holes.  Of course.  But that isn't what I want to do with my life, it isn't what Hubs wants me to do. Will I if needed, of course.  For us that isn't a need at this moment.  For this moment I am focused on what Hubs and I need.  I have a good number of friends that also see what is going on in a different light than the media wants us to.  They struggle with finding time for the things that I am able to do right now.  They worry about the rising costs and how to make ends meet.  They also know that an increase in pay is only going to equal an increase in costs, so you live in that proverbial catch 22.  

I don't have solutions.  I absolutely don't have answers.  There are people that are far more intelligent and forward thinking than I am that are going to come forward with those.  I feel more like the one that will be there to help fill the gap while these things are sorted out.  My old fashioned soul will help others learn.  Thinking about the passion with sour dough breads that occurred in 2020, was that a warning shot to learn to be self-sufficient?  I don't know.  

Today will involve some canning, a bit of sewing (I have to hem a set of curtains to block the blazing sun that we encounter each summer), a run to the grocery store (yes, I am up for the dose of panic and depression it will bring), cleaning my house and getting dinner ready for a visit from our eldest.  I'm not going to be working on solutions to global issues.  I'm going to be focusing on what I am feeling called to do by my heart and soul during those quiet times.  I'm working on the smallest of issues.  Maybe if we are all focusing on the smallest of issues instead of all the distractions, we might accidentally solve a lot of those huge issues. 

I offer it every time I think about it.  I am available to share any knowledge I have acquired over my lifetime, I am a sponge for any new knowledge you want to share with me.  I will always bow my head and lift up a prayer request the moment I see it, and I will always focus on sending love and light into our universe.  

The thing is, none of us are wrong, we are all looking at things through different lenses and perceptions.  Some of us are being shown things very differently than others.  The trick is how do we work together to reach the pure truth?  

Who knows... I don't... I'm just going to keep on, keeping on.  I'm going to pay attention to what is going on around me and I am going to focus on a better future for all of us.  Sadly, I feel in my heart that we are going deeper into a very dark time, and that it is only united and together that we come out on the other side to love and light.  Count me in, I'm prepared to be someone that is willing to work together to get there. 

Mom!!!  She took my bone again....

Okay... that is enough... I need to get busy doing the things and processing my feelings and thoughts along with tomatoes, peaches and blackberry juice.  And possibly some jalapeno's before they die on the vine. 

peace and love...   

a hard nut to crack...

Was it only yesterday that I felt strongly compelled to talk about fear?  No even 24 hours?  Yesterday we found out that one of my family members has been hospitalized with the virus. The same family member has received both of their shots. I am praying hard. I am questioning so much.  I had it in January, I was hospitalized for pneumonia connected to it. I understand how it makes you feel, how scary the sealed rooms they put you in feel, how frightening the isolation and loneliness is, I understand all of it.  Yes, each persons journey with it is different. I am praying from a place of understanding. 

My understanding stops when the bullying kicks in. I am so tired of bullying and people pushing their own beliefs as the final answer.  Sorry, last time I checked we are all connected to God/Source, but not a single one of us is the divine. We don't know the answers, we don't have the guidebook to life, we are here to learn experience and grow in love. 

At some point we have to agree to disagree and do it civilly. 

I heard the fear when I was told about my family member.  Fear not of the virus, but for the person, they have many health issues already and this only makes it that much more of a serious issue. The fear of loss was strong.  

Fear can also be dangerous.  Because family and friends then started pushing the shot to those without.  First off when did a person's medical issues, beliefs and concerns become public fodder.  Secondly, did any of those pushing stop for a moment and think about it?  I mean really consider the facts laid out before them?  One actually presented false media facts to back their insistence. What about the fact that several of those that had opted in were all sick with the virus, yet none of the folks that had opted out were?

I know of two people that have been hospitalized in serious condition in recent months.  Both of them have had the double jab. Both of them ended up very, very sick. The first to the point of almost dying. I think if you have had the shots and ended up hospitalized with the illness that the last thing you would do is insist that your loved ones get the shot when they haven't ended up sick. That you would want more time to process things before insisting on that course of action. 

Each person has their own path to follow.  Support one another for your individual decisions, but don't belittle, condemn, criticize or attack someone that doesn't agree with you.  

To coin a phrase that I've heard far too often in a negative way lately "come on man".  Please be gentle and caring with others.  Please try to understand that your thoughts and fears do not necessarily equal theirs, that they may have other thoughts and fears that are just as valid. 

When people are already in a battle with fear and angst, piling more on is not the answer. I am a firm believer that what is right for me, might not be right for you.  I will support and lift up your decisions and beliefs, but I always expect the same in return. And it doesn't matter what the subject is, the topic for discussion (or as is often the case - divisiveness) always has two sides at a minimum.  My sweet Hubs often quotes a song lyric - "wouldn't it be a drag if we were all the same"... how very true. 

I'm tired of us all being pitted against each other at every turn.  Is it about race, religion, beliefs, sexuality, money, education and now even medical issues?  In my minds eye, I almost envision an ancient Roman Colosseum with the elite all betting on the poor commoners fighting for their entertainment in the circle below.   What can they throw in to make the game more interesting, to entertain their bored souls while they toy with the rest of us. 

To me that is how it feels.  I don't care if you do or don't do any of it.  I care if you don't value me as a human, I care if you feel that my own feelings and beliefs on any topic are irrelevant.  That my concerns are not valid or worthy of consideration.  Then I care.  

I firmly believe that is the space we need to get back to as the human race.  One of caring, concern, understanding and empathy.  

The conversations need to shift in a different direction, the call last night should have been filled with love, concern, prayers.  With questions regarding how to help and support. Not the you must do this also spiel. That part of the conversation didn't belong as a part of what was happening. 

I will reach out today, to send love and prayers, I live way too far away to be of any physical use.  I will support everyone that needs the love and support, or that wants it for that matter. But I won't play stupid games. That cycle of fear is not one that I will personally engage in. 

And it truly breaks my heart that people are willing to be callous and hurtful because they are in a bubble of fear. That they will site false facts to support their beliefs and try to sway another's thoughts.  

I long to live in a simpler world.  This morning I was scrubbing my black walnuts, they require a lot of effort and time.  I was working through my frustration as I scrubbed, I have about 90 more to finish scrubbing today so that they can dry out for use.  As I was scrubbing I was thinking about the past, how people were fitter, stronger and there was less idle chaos.  I do believe that idle hands are the devil's playground so to speak (I don't believe in the devil - although I believe in pure evil and each of us is a mix of the light and the dark).  As I scrubbed away I realized that in reality people were just too busy surviving to expend the energy on these kind of things.  

Oh I am not naive, I am well aware that there has always been discord and petty fighting - human nature I guess.  But when you are busy and engaged in living a meaningful life, you have little time for worrying about someone else not following your personal playbook. 

The fear that was lavishly thrown around last night was harmful and hurtful.  At some point we all need to stop and take a deep breath.  We need to consider if the words we speak and the things we personally do are improving life around us or harming it. 

I guess fear is definitely the topic of the week.  I feel it is raging out of control and people are too fearful to even question their own feelings and reactions and the effects of what they might inadvertently be causing. 

Today is calling for silence and reflection.  Today is calling for me to step back, to meditate and pray.  To not step into the chaos and bitterness that is being thrown around like candy at a parade. Today I will focus on being busy and to keep moving forward in love.  

When you are able to keep your hands busy, your mind occupied and your thoughts clear, life makes a heck of a lot more sense. At least in my world it does... what clears your world may be completely different. 

love and peace my friends... 

breaking point...

How much more?  I mean seriously, I hate to put this out into the universe, but I am shocked by the humans of this world.  Shocked by how I am witnessing people acting, speaking and behaving.  I really wonder how much more can we take before society completely fractures.  Or is that the point?  

So many times I have read things along the lines of things must be completely destroyed before they can get better.  I understand that.  I mean if you are going to build a house on a lot that has the remnants of a long destroyed home on it, you have to completely clear the grounds before you can begin.  I get it. 

What I don't get is how humans can be so downright ugly to one another. Everywhere you turn there is a blame game going on.  It's always someone's fault for this or that.  Yet people are refusing to take responsibility for their own actions.  It's always someone else's fault or responsibility. 

This morning I noticed a post on Nextdoor.  The kind I pay attention to, someone had their car broken into. the double ah-ha moment for me, is that this is the second time in a year.  Last time they stole the truck, this time they just rummaged through her car and stole her vehicle documentation - so the damage there is identity theft.  That and the feeling for violation.  

About half of the comments were blaming her.  All those should have and could have and why didn't you... it was enough to make my head absolutely explode!  I mean fireworks central!!  Truth of the matter, the victim was further victimized by the keyboard warriors.  

I don't know if you have ever been stolen from.  If you have ever felt violated in such a way, but I have.  It was super minor - although I did call the police and I did press charges.  Yes it feels ugly to press charges against an 8 year old child.  But I do not regret it one bit.  She broke into my home, she stole things out of my home and when confronted by the police stated she felt it was okay, because she wanted what had been in my home.  Her parents saw nothing wrong with it either. 

So nope, no regrets.  Here is why, because until she was caught I was left with a haunting feeling that anyone could simply enter my home and take what they wanted.  That I was unsafe with two small children, my son was only a few months old at the time, and my ex-husband deployed most of the time.  It leaves you feeling helpless and unsure of anything around you. It is a feeling of complete violation. 

Once she was caught and had zero remorse and the parents didn't even feel it was worthy of punishment or an apology, that amplified those feelings to levels I can't explain.  She was a child from our neighborhood, which is why her presence in our stairwell did not cause me any concern.  She was not a child that played with my then six year old daughter, so she had never been in our home.  She just felt it was her right to be able to go into my home and remove the items that she wanted. 

I moved a short while later, I am sure the little girl received nothing much in the way of discipline, I am equally sure the father (the military member responsible for the actions of his family) did. 

The woman this morning was victimized not only by the person that violated her private space, but by her neighbors, by the community she sought to warn to exercise additional caution. 

This is just the latest example of ugly.  

I'm tired of ugly.  I'm tired of criminal actions, mandates, illegal rules.  I'm tired of freedoms and rights being stripped away.  When I hear what is happening in other countries, I am sick.  Absolutely sick to my stomach at the actions happening on a global scale. 

There is lying, cheating, abuse (both mental and physical), the double standards are extreme.  My heart breaks for those that deal with it on a daily basis.  The longer I have stepped back from the public, the more evident and glaring it becomes. 

People are becoming so aggressive.  Have you observed traffic lately?  The aggression being acted out while driving a vehicle is unreal.  Terrifying actually.  And half the time they are using their phone as they are driving aggressively - eyes not even on the road. 

The air seems filled with this sense of I deserve this and I deserve that. Give me my way or else.  Is this the result of years of everyone is a winner, everyone gets a trophy and prize?  Did society build this when they decided our children no longer needed to learn that not everyone is the best at everything?

I'm just speculating, I absolutely do not have any answers. I am asking each of us to truly step back and examine what is occurring all around us. 

I mean think about it, it's "my body, my choice" when referring to abortion (ironic when you think about it, as it involves another life) but not when referring to a desire to have or not have an unproven vaccination.  It's also I can put you down for anything I want if you don't have the same ideology, orientation, desires, fill in the blank that I have - but don't you dare say anything about me because that is a hate crime. 

The division, the anger, the inability to reason through and realize that we are all pawns on a giant board and we control the ability to stop being used as such if we would just step back and take a deep breath.  If we would simply remove ourselves from the game board. And look at what is truly going on. 

We have reached a point in society that we are frightened children lashing out at everyone around us, simply because we are being led to do so.  When is this all going to reach it's crescendo?  When are families going to become whole again and realize that just because someone doesn't agree with you, they aren't necessarily wrong.  They might just have other information, that might be worth exploring?  When do we as a society become whole again?

Last night at dinner out with friends, conversations inadvertently swung to politics in a twisted manner.  I was asked if I frequented a stop that sells quality spices here in town.  I do not.  My reason is personal, Hubs accidentally let the reason slip. Our friend's wife instantly took offense.  

It bothered me, because my reason is because of their extreme political views and the method presented.  I don't care about a companies views per say.  I don't care what party they endorse or support. Where my feathers get ruffled and I will quit being your patron is where you attempt to force your views on me, where you bombard me with propaganda and ugliness in email or when I come to your shop I am basically shunned and criticized for not wishing to engage in conversations around that topic. I will gladly support your company if you live and let live.  I will not support if you push your agenda on me, not that you are willing to discuss your beliefs (I will gladly discuss), but flat out rude behavior against someone that may or may not believe as you do - I can't do that. 

I attempted to explain this thought process.  Acknowledging that it was a personal feeling and that I could not support someone that used their business as a bully pulpit.  I didn't condemn her for shopping there, I didn't fuss at the comment that I should have ignored it. I did find it humorous, as that is usually the stance I encounter when I can't support those tactics.  Yet it is perfectly okay for people to completely malign a store like Hobby Lobby, because of the stance of their CEO.  I have never received threatening emails from their CEO that I needed to believe their way or I was not welcome in their store - that they did not need my business.  Nor have I ever encountered anything that would lead me to feel they were pushing his beliefs onto me. And no I am not endorsing his views, I frankly haven't dug deeply enough into them as they do not affect me personally. 

I am also grown up enough to decide when something doesn't sit right with me. 

That seems to be the world that we are living in.  We are forced to censor everything we say, think, feel or do through a lens of who will this offend.  The victims are the ones that are maligned and shunned, the aggressor could not possibly be responsible for their actions. It's a march in step or get the hell out of the way society. 

It's making me sick.  

My heart is hurting. 

I have strong views on a lot of things.  Unless you know me extremely well, you will not know those views.  I always try to look at the world through the lens of good. Sometimes I bite my tongue, sometimes I don't.  I am getting more and more to the place inside me that I have to speak up.  That being neutral and playing middle ground is serving no one. 

Is that where we are coming to as a society?  Is there no longer middle ground?  Have we stopped treating others the way we want to be treated? Has right and wrong or black and white become a permanent shade of gray? Has accountability and personal responsibility gone the way of the dinosaurs?

As you can tell, my head and heart are in a definite quandary today. Especially as I long for the days of old, where locking or not locking your door did not lead to you being to blame for a break in.  Where you immediately rushed to the aid of another human.  Where you weren't looked at crazy for offering to cook a meal, watch children or make a donation of any kind towards helping people through life. 

Guess what... none of us are getting out of this alive.  So know that if you need my prayers, they are there wrapped firmly around you.  If I can do something to make your life easier, I have got your back!  If all you need is someone to listen and give you grace and ease, I'm your girl!  I will always be there for anyone in need of anything.  This life is our lesson, our proving ground.  It is up to us how we accomplish that task.  

Shut off the television, walk away from social media, go out into the sunshine and be the sponge that absorbs all of the goodness around you so that you can easily squeeze some of it out on a hurting soul. And for pities sake... lets stop this world from being so darn judgmental and hate-filled. 

Surround yourself and others with peace, love and grace!

roads not traveled...

Another Monday.  A promise of rain.  A promise of lower temperatures.  And always the promise of better things to come. 

I haven't felt like writing for a variety of reasons.  I'm angry, I'm actually flat out pissed off and I am afraid that I will violate my own rules for my blog.  So I've been sitting silently and stewing on my thoughts and feelings. Trying to decide if speaking my truth will do the very things I have avoided doing for a long time. 

I've also been trying to be busy and helpful around the house.  I am able to move so much better and I am looking forward to my appointment with my surgeon tomorrow. Each day I am able to walk more like a human and less robotic, I am able to stand for longer periods of time, I am able to do more and more around the house.  I have actually been cooking at least 50% of our meals again.  Talk about feeling accomplished.  I'm still struggling with how much longer it takes me to do things right now, the slowness, the need to rethink everyday tasks.  But each day, I feel far more empowered and capable. 

I ran out of sleep around 3 am today, I tried diligently for an hour to fall back asleep, but the world and life were insistent that they were taking over my thoughts. At 4 am I gave up.  Hubs was awake, there was no reason to lie there and pretend that my mind wasn't moving at the speed of sound, finding more and more to ponder when I was pleading with it to hush. But I had slept for 7 hours, the exhaustion from yesterday had me sound asleep by 8. 

So much was accomplished over the course of the weekend, that if felt like far more than 2 short days.  Sweet Hubs got to take his boat out for his maiden fishing trip.  He had wanted to wait for me, but that hardly seemed fair or reasonable.  Instead he spent the wee hours of Saturday down at Trout Lodge with his buddy "slaying them".  The change in his attitude was evident immediately.  I hated not being able to join them, even to just sit on the dock and enjoy the beauty around me, but I knew it was asking too much from a leg that I had already been pushing the limits on. 

I took advantage of the time to finish up one of my hand worked blocks and let my leg rest.  It needed it. It's odd how sometimes being here at the house alone feels like a prison sentence.  I want nothing more than to be able to leave, to go and be part of the life I feel is happening outside my door.  And other times, it feels like a precious gift.  A sanctuary that feels protective, warm and safe. 

I guess I am moving firmly into that chop wood and carry water phase of life.  

I've had to turn off all news and television.  My heart is aching too much.  I am angry.  Thirteen young lives are over.  Most of those young troops that lost their lives weren't even old enough to have their first legal drink.  Funny, we can ask you to shed blood for our country, but our country doesn't feel you are old enough to have a cold one after work - I mean come on you can't possibly be mature enough to handle that before 21. 

There are many times that I get way in my feelings where our government is concerned.  I get so pissed off that people will trade "security" for freedoms.  I become numb when I start to consider it. I would rather be a free human, making my own life choices (good, bad or indifferent) than be a part of a society that marches in lock step at our leaders commands.  For years, I have quietly watched (well unless you are one of my very dear friends that knows my heart).  For years, I have played the game.  I'm getting damn tired of playing the game. 

I am a military brat, former spouse and wife of a veteran.  To me the blood spilled in Afghanistan is family blood.  There are far too many unanswered questions that people are closing their eyes and minds to that make this far less a tragic "accident" and far more likely a planned or assisted event.  

Thirteen families are altered forever.  Thirteen brave young people are gone.  Because of what?  Stupid decisions.  I'm sorry when you are the leader of the country you don't get to make stupid decisions. 

I still am not at a point that I can clearly process any of this.  The fact that it is even happening is surreal.  The fact that people are not opening their eyes, questioning what is before them, boldly asking what the hell is going on?  I am stunned.  I am in shock.  I am mute. 

Each time I see a table set and reserved for those thirteen individuals my eyes fill with tears, my heart breaks a bit more. And yet we continue to let our leaders - the people that should be speaking for us, but aren't even remotely doing it, talk over the hurt and sadness. 

August 26, a mere 4 days ago.  With credible intelligence that it was going to happen.  Oddly enough the current leader of our country had mentioned that ISIS would be a threat very soon, just days before they were. Yet we couldn't even respectfully ask for flags to be lowered in their honor for a full 24 hours.  How hard is that?  We seem to lower them non-stop anymore, for anyone. There is simply too much that fails to remotely make sense. 

I can't change any of it right now. I can pray for the families affected by this.  I can fuss and fidget over the stupidity that is swirling around me.  I can wonder at the level of disconnection that people are displaying.  We've become so caught up in the everyday world, in the sleep, work, eat, sleep world that we somehow feel is what we are here for that we are missing so much of what is going on around us. 

I have strong feelings regarding so much of what is going on in this crazy world right now, but at the same time, I feel my voice is powerless. 

So again back to chopping wood and carrying water. 

I will continue to stand strong in the things that matter to me, I will continue to push where I can, and walk away from things that do NOT serve me and my family. I will continue to pray, because God is far more powerful than all of this. And I will continue to have hope for mankind.  I don't believe any of what is going on is just an American problem, I firmly believe it is a global problem.  We are being led somewhere that we will one day wake up in shock and wonder how we got there. Or maybe so many have already given up their God given freedoms to the point that they will be happy with where they are headed. 

Just like a frog in a slowly warming pot of water, he will eventually die from it, but because it is so gradual he never notices. 

I know this is disjointed.  I know it is rambling.  I am truly trying to wrap my head around a world and country that I do not recognize. 

Thank you for reading, if you are a prayerful person - the world needs you now more than ever.  

I think I am going back to cleaning... I don't have the heart to stay where my mind is right now....