oh hello...

It's beautiful and peaceful out in the garden this morning.  The critters are singing their songs and there is just the slightest hint of noise from the non-natural world.  Random trucks and cars out on the highways.  Far off in the distance.  I just re-read the blog that I never got around to finishing on Thursday.  Decided to spend the time with Hubs and simply never got back to it.  

I was talking about the incredible loudness of the morning. It was the morning before the impending rail strike.  It felt like the train engineers were throwing a full fledged tantrum. Starting at 430 am until well after 6 am, you could barely hold a conversation out on the deck and the sound was echoing inside just as loudly.  Non-stop horns for literally hours.  The tracks are several miles from our home, but they run along the ridge to the valley, so everyone had the benefit of their displeasure. It was nerve wrecking and migraine inducing.  

I remember telling Hubs that I could never remember it being so loud.  He agreed.  It was almost painful, as if you were standing beside one of the horns while it was being blown, for hours. By Friday morning, it was back to the occasional whistle and then nothing.  All weekend it was peaceful and this morning, I haven't heard a single whistle, I can hear the trains moving along, but they are doing so in silence. 

I guess they were trying to get the worlds attention.  Trying to literally wake people up to their plight.  I get it, I guess... If we don't speak up, we are forever silenced when the moment comes. 

Hubs has been busy working for the past few hours.  I was hoping that we'd have time for coffee this morning, but he has some early morning meetings and then it's back to the grindstone time.  The price one pays for taking vacation time. It's okay.  I understand.  He's got a lot going on right now and he needs to focus on it for a bit. 

I'm guilty as well. After all it's only 6 am and I have already started laundry and planning my day as well.  It's going to be a full one.  Chores to do and hopefully a bit of time for pure creativity.  I remember the days of trying to get everything done, because of non-stop deadlines.  There were times I thrived on it and times I resented it.  My deadlines are different now, but still present.  Now they are self-induced and driven by nature and natural things. 

Yesterday we sat out in the garden under the umbrella as it rained gently, Hubs helped me to shell a case of purple hulled peas we'd picked up at the Amish market.  It was a time to chat, work and enjoy being together.  Later in the day, he helped me prepare the case of green beans we'd picked up as well. Sometimes just being with your favorite person doing a menial task, makes light work of it. I assure you that canning 21 pints of green beans is menial, tiresome and back breaking.  Having someone to chat and laugh with makes it better. 

Thursday ended up being a rough day, one of the reasons I didn't finish my blog. I can laugh about Thursday now, but I couldn't then.  The puppies decided to unravel and strew three balls of yarn from one end of the living room to the other side of the sitting room, wrapping it around tables, chairs and fans.  All mixed up together.  It was the yarn for the sweater I am half-way through making.  I definitely sat and cried for the three plus hours it took to clean that mess up. I am fairly positive they were letting me know that I had been working too much and not playing with them enough.  I mean, they are babies.

I learned my lesson, after correcting them for doing it and cleaning it all up, the three of us went on an adventure to the river.  I let them run themselves silly, splash in the water at the edge and spent lots of time on just them.  In fact the majority of our three day weekend was spent giving them love, time and attention.  We took them to another beach on our way home from the Amish market and discovered that both of our babies are very strong swimmers and they enjoyed the heat of the day, by swimming in the shallow river after running up and down the beach for what felt like an eternity. 

We'd planned on going to a couple of craft fairs, decided to take the puppies hiking instead.  There are so many incredible places to do things literally in our back yard.  We explored the Phantom Forest with the babies, where they encountered their first box turtle, we climbed the hills and explored deep into the valley.  It was a rather strenuous hike for being literally in the heart of town.  Tucked neatly in between subdivisions was a hilly paradise.  

As we climbed up exploring this new little bit of heaven, I couldn't help but marvel that I was climbing pain free, as if the years of pain from a failing knee had never even happened.  Hubs barely had to help me, except on a few super steep declines (declines are still a bit tricky) and I was able to keep up with all of them. At times I was even in the lead.  The hill was definitely higher than it appeared from the street.  

If you haven't guessed, I thrive in nature.  The time I spend outdoors feels like time spent in the presence of God.  I needed it this weekend. I would have loved to go to the craft/reenactment events, Hubs was definitely game to do so.  I was the one that changed the plans.  I simply needed the peace of nature, not the anxiety of being around hundreds of people. 

It was the perfect choice for us.  Puppies got spoiled, Hubs and I enjoyed a combination of relaxation, exercise and rejuvenation an all around win/win scenario. 

Today, we move back into the daily routine.  It feels as if the world is building to some kind of crescendo, like we are watching a suspenseful movie or listening to a great orchestra building up the tension before the final scene.  I think I am simply happiest not being a part of it. 

It's almost a quarter to seven, the sun is starting to make it's presence known, the birds are starting to chirp and my two hummingbird friends just flew up singing their songs.  All seems to be the promise of a bright new start to the week.  We've moved into our second summer and the temps are going to be quite warm, might have to take the pups to the river a few times this week... but for now, in the coolness of the morning, I need to get busy putting up the rest of the harvest and collecting seeds for next years plantings. 

Spend a bit of time alone in nature.  Turn off your phone and simply disconnect. Take whatever moments you can steal and spend them with those that are absolutely most important.  It's a powerful healer for all that ails you.

love and peace... 

and...

I'm taking deeper breaths today. 

My sweet Hubs is feeling so much better.  He looks great and will go back to work tomorrow.  You can't even tell that a week ago he had a major medical emergency.  It was a wake up call.  He's done great slowing down.  And for a change he didn't even open his computer to do any work.  I am probably more shocked about that than the fact that he has given up tobacco - again!

His smile is back to being even and he can even say fifty-fifty without slurring.  Yep... I am a pretty darn happy woman!

The past three days have been a bit been all about normalizing.  About looking at life as it is presented and looking at how to move forward.  How to normalize the changes.

Hubs is taking some major steps on his new path.  And I am so proud of him. I know it isn't easy to give things up.  Especially things that have been a part of your life for a very long time.  Like decades.  We've been doing some walking, resting and general us time.  It's been wonderful.

The B's came over on Friday, we had a fabulous dinner, introducing them to one of our favorite places.  Joking with the Hubs, seems he would do anything to crash girls night. Including end up in the hospital.  He's a welcome addition to the B's, so I didn't mind him being there at all. 

I needed my B's this week. It's been a tough year and the past week has not made it easier.  I needed that laughter and silliness.  The deep conversations and the shallow giggles.  I am so blessed that I have both of them in my life.  They balance me.  My B's are my most recent sister's by heart.  I have a few others.  I don't make friends easily, I am fairly certain that I have trust issues.  If you have become one of my Sister's by Heart... well plain and simple - that is what you will always be.

My other two are far away, but easily reached by phone or email.  Each of them is a part of my make up, my very being.  I think that is one of the things I will miss the most, is not seeing the final one daily. All of us will be in different spots.  But it's okay, we will always be connected by that invisible bond that made us sisters by heart.

We sat out back and soaked up the earthiness of a warm summer evening.  Sipping our beverages of choice and talking about hopes, fears, the past and dreams. Upcoming journey's and changes.  Grand babies and sweet Hubs and the scare he gave us all.

One of my B's had to leave early, she was off to do good - she is honestly far too good for any of us.  Always the first one there with a kind word, compassionate hug or simply a helping hand.  I wonder if everyone else that encounters her realizes that they are in the presence of pure good?  She's endured more than most of us will ever live to see... yet she always has a smile on her face and love and compassion in her heart.

My other B, she stayed the night.  Morning found us all sitting on the deck, drinking coffee and watching the sun rise.  I had to go to work for a bit, but she and her half of the Hubs definitely had a fabulous time in my absence.  We laughed and cried, we were honest and philosophical, I don't know that we solved the worlds problems, but we definitely had opinions about it all.

I was greedy this weekend.  I soaked up the love from these two beautiful women that balance my life. I know that I didn't give back nearly what I received.  They both tend to mother me a bit, this weekend, I willingly accepted the gift.

After dropping her back in the city, Hubs willingly took me to the psychic fair.  I needed my cards read, I was grasping at straws as I reached for balance.  Amazingly, it seemed without knowing my trauma's she was able to tell me what they were and how I could learn and grow from them.  It was a blessing.  As she talked my heart felt lighter, my fears carried away and courage to face the new grew stronger. I picked an Angel card reading this time.  I needed positive and light.  I needed affirmation and strength.

After a week spent in flux, with far too many moving parts, I am calm.  My sweet Hubs is doing well, better than anyone could have imagined. My MX will be okay without me (I don't think I doubted that it would be okay so much as would I?) and I do have the ability to move on to the newest phase.  I didn't go seeking this change, it came to me.  It must mean that I am meant to follow this new path. All around me are signs that I was ignoring (I'm not sure it that was intentional or not). 

Once I became aware, I also became calm.

The change will still be hard.  I am sure there are more tears that will fall from my eyes.  But my heart and mind are open finally to what is waiting ahead. 

thankful

Soft snores.

Beeping alarms.

Scurrying feet shuffling just beyond the closed curtain. 

That was about 18 of my last 24 hours.

Hubs was having some problems.  Mostly self-inflicted.  We are only given one body and we really do need to at least try to take care of it.

Luckily we came away from this scare with just a few medications and mostly lifestyle changes.

When I got the text message that involved words like ambulance, something on the EKG, the first reaction was fear.  I love that crazy fool and that is not the text that I want to receive following a lunch time phone call:

Hubs: I'm having some chest pain I think I'm gonna get a doc appointment.

Me: I can come out and meet you.

Hubs: No, it's not that bad, just figured I should get it checked out.

What?  That is not how any text message should come.

Almost 4 hours in the most HORRIBLE ER that we have ever been in, totally a repeat experience from several years ago.  I desperately try to avoid that hospital for that very reason. The hospital itself is full of caring, competent nurses, doctors, technicians.  I love the fact that they have morning and evening prayers, it calms my soul.

But that first 4 hours, waiting for them to even care enough to check his blood pressure - the main reason he was sent to the hospital in the first place.  Or consider running any of the tests that the nurse running triage in her snarly disrespectful manner kept insisting that they had already run.  Those wore me OUT!

What I witnessed from that charming woman was a direct contrast to all the signs placed about the room claiming that compassion and respect were their greatest attributes. I understand feeling overwhelmed and searching for your calm.  I've been there.  But to witness that to people that were ill, scared, feeling neglected and uncared for.  It was simply more than I could handle for a few hours.  And to keep stressing that a four hour wait was okay, well actually no it isn't.

I was distressed to see so many people using the Emergency Room as a general care facility.  Didn't all of our co-pays and cost for health insurance go up so that folks could see doctors?  What is up with all these Urgent care facilities.  I watched a man bleeding profusely wait for over 4 hours to be seen, he was told his bleeding was not as important as the steady stream of people coming in laughing, walking on their own two feet unassisted, carrying a full size pizza for the wait stating "yeah, I've had this stuffy head for a few weeks now, decided I'd better get it looked at".

Why is that still a thing?  I understand that Doctors are tough to get an appointment with, but seriously every Walgreens has a clinic and there are literally Urgent care clinics on every corner - most of them open until at least 9 pm.

I was worried about my sweet Hubs.

I'm still worried about him, but I have to admit that the stress of the past almost 24 hours at this point is tinged a bit with an odd mix of relief and anger.

I will admit to pure joy disposing of tobacco products might have had me a bit giddy! It has caused me so much stress.  The mom in me has been going crazy wanting to protect him from himself and unable to do anything.

I feel like I have an army surrounding us.  People have been calling, texting and emailing all day.  Full of support and love.  I know that many people love him and want the best for him.  I know that this army, this Y family as well as blood family and dear friends will help him when it feels too much.  He is going to get past this hurdle and be moving forward in no time at all.

I've dusted off my cookbooks and YDPP books, the same formula that worked before can work again.  We will start walking short walks as soon as he is feeling up to it.  By full on motorcycle season he will be healthy and strong again.  And I won't have to worry about that pesky tobacco.

Based on the past 24 hours, it's hard to believe we spent the weekend out on the motorcycle stealing the first full weekend of 2018 that was warm enough to ride.  If I had known he was worried about pain I wouldn't have ridden.  But knowing him.  I know exactly where his mind went.

Tomorrow I will return to my work world, he will rest in bed a bit longer.  Doc feels a couple of lazy days will do him good while those med's start working their magic.  We will all benefit as he adjusts to a bit less coffee and those first days away from tobacco from him resting at home.

Life is far too short and sometimes we need wake up calls.  Hubs is a very special man, I sometimes doubt he knows how loved and respected he is. His generous and loving spirit impacts people every day.  His gruff man in charge attitude is his shield. 

Every day I am thankful that I rarely if ever encounter that shield.  That instead, I am often his real life shield.  I am blessed to be able to protect and shelter that loving, kind and gentle man.  When you take a moment to know him... you truly understand why.

Now this very tired woman is going to sleep.  Four tortured hours of sleep in the midst of dealing with hospitals, pharmacies, and going to get his car and making healthy meals has me remembering that I am not superwoman and that I need rest also.

Hug your loved ones.  Because they are truly a blessing in this life! And thank the family and friends that are there when you need them, hands and hearts outstretched when you are worn and weary.

moving forward...

The fan circulating the cool stormy breeze through my house is so loud, I can hear it throughout the house. Although I am finding myself thankful for it tonight, darn air conditioning is acting up.

It's been an emotional week.  Full of highs and lows.  People that I'm thankful for.  Short tempers and high spirits.  All the things that happen when any group is put through a huge change.  Our little group has been put through more than their share.

We are a family.  We aren't co-workers, peers, supervisors.  We spend way too many hours together for that to be the case. For 10 months we have been in a state of change, turmoil, transition in our professional lives. We've had to learn to deal with the fact that our "family" would be fracturing, no way all of us could move forward with our future, for a variety of reasons.

Our beloved Y was closing, our building was not sustainable. I remember the day it happened.  The beginning of the end for that beautiful, old piece of history that we loved and hated depending on the day. The flood in January of 2014.

We all knew the day would come.  For a while that first evening as we sat there in shock we feared that we would never open again.  The damage was intense.  Water everywhere. Large parts of our building seemingly destroyed. Ceilings coming down, water continuing to rise in the lowest levels of the building as the water continued to come down from 5 floors above, seeping through nooks and crannies.

There were four of us sitting in the lobby that night.  Emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted from the battle we'd fought since the early hours of that day.

I remember the feeling in my heart.  It felt hallow.  It was a building for pities sake. The sense of loss was almost over powering.

Our "family" worked hard.  Hubs was part of that family, it was when he still had an office on the main floor. That flood caused the Corporate Offices to move out for the first time since our Y had opened in 1926. And while we worked for 9 long months to get back to where we were, it wasn't meant to be. It was the beginning of the end for that old girl.

Ten months ago the decision was made, the battle ceased.  It was time.  We'd done a good job holding our own, we'd grown our membership base, we'd proven that a Y still belonged downtown.  But it was definitely time.

We got word that we were going to have a new Y, in the heart of the city.  A new kind of Y.  She's almost ready, soon we will open her doors.

This week, I closed the door on the past for the final time.  I was struck by the powerful feelings it held.  As I pulled up out front for the day, my heart hurt again. I would pull up again, many times, but it would never be to a Y again.  Simply to a building that needs to be emptied.  A place full of memories.

I spent Thursday comforting members and staff.  Offering tissues and hugs to people that have been there for decades.  Encouraging them to come with us to the new location. Climbing the stairs to all of the levels many times, giving final tours to people that simply wanted one more look. I guess when you have been part of the city landscape for 91 years, you don't truly slip off into the night.

Hubs was not feeling well - a migraine level headache took him out - he'd been supposed to join me for the final walk through. One of my B's was in Delaware, the other simply too tired to stay to the bitter end.  The Beast, well let's just say the week had pushed her hard and she needed to be home before her children put her picture on a milk carton as a missing person.

I knew that my boss was feeling under the weather, fighting a head cold that wanted to win.  But that night he showed up to help me walk every square inch of the old girl.  Locking rooms and insuring there was no one hiding in corners. Turning off lights and saying good bye.

I am blessed to work for a man that I can truly respect and admire.  He is a true cause driven leader.  He lives it.

I'd shared with him that I wanted to toast the old girl, after her doors were locked she was no longer a Y, just real estate.  Despite a cold and probably needing sleep more than helping me, we toasted the past, the present and the future for our Y.

She does have a future.  Because a Y is not just a building, it is not brick, stone or marble.  A Y is the people inside.  The work in the community.  A Y doesn't need walls, it helps, but it is not necessary.

Remarkably, I didn't cry.  At least not as I turned the key, reminisced, or even walked out to my car.  Maybe it was my military upbringing.  Maybe, just maybe I felt she deserved respect.  She'd sheltered so many over her 91 years, people had been connecting and finding a place to belong inside her walls for over 9 decades.

I can't say I didn't cry on the way home.

Our new "home" is almost ready.  Each day is more exciting than the last.  It's bright, airy, full of energy and fun! I am beyond excited about the things that we will accomplish.

The change is hard.  We're all running on fumes, working long hours with a single day serving as a weekend, if that. Our families aren't seeing us and we aren't seeing them.  Not only that but it's a busy time of the year. Graduations, vacations, endings and beginnings in all of our lives.

On top of all the things that need to happen quickly, we are all dealing with a 91 year old cranky old lady that might be trying to kick us out.  Ceilings are leaking that shouldn't have water above them.  The elevator decided to quit working the day before we started moving things out. Chunks of ceiling want to fall on the track.  It's been so stressful.

I have a lot of work that I should be doing. Schedules, bills to pay, so much.  I decided I needed a break. It's time to rest.  For a day, that is all I need, I want a long night's sleep. I will be better after a day of rest. My emotions not so raw. My energy level returned.

It's an interesting place. Looking west I see the past, it's quiet in its worn regal state.  Looking east is the future, full of life, excitement, energy, power, and possibility.

Now it's time to give in to sleep.

I'm worn.

answered..

Listening to the rythmic snoring in the house today, it's so hard to even remotely believe the last few days have even happened.

Gator is curled up on his favorite sofa in the fireplace room.  His snores are the loudest.  The Neeko is finally home, and despite all the work I put into insuring that the front living room was perfect for him to rest and recouperate, he is stretched out in the dining room in his favorite spot.

All I can say is thank goodness for Oxy Clean, because his incision is still leaking quite a bit. And as it's his tummy, there simply isn't a good way to keep that from happening.

Thursday night and most of yesterday were pretty darn stressful.  But that little furball is one tough cookie. He's not even 36 hours post surgery and he all put pulled me out of the vet's office. He'd had enough of their hospitality I guess.

Heck he even removed his own IV this morning.  I am sure that was quite a sight to see.  Determined little poop.

I have to keep an eye on him, he's got a bit of a fever, but they weren't overly worried considering he'd just had major abdominal surgery.  The bigger task is making sure he says calm and still.  We have to give the sutures time to heal, to insure that tummy stays tacked to his ribs and never again flips.

I will admit that for someone that hates to have their face licked, when he rushed in the room today and ran that tongue all the way up my face... I wanted to cry tears of joy.  Every time I've seen him since Thursday night he has been that much better.

I had planned to be at the Veteran's event with Hubs.  BBQ and prizes to raise money for the Veteran's at the Jefferson County Y, reality check is they didn't need me as much as Neeko did.  And I don't regret the decision at all.  I think being home is making him a happy little guy.

He immediately came in, had himself a light lunch and proceeded curl up and nap.  After he marked the entire front yard, absolutely cannot let another dog mark his yard.  Geez!

So while Hubs is out doing something so important, after all he's a Vet himself, I am home catching up.

I've been a bit busy with work and with making time for my workouts, so maybe I haven't been doing an awesome job as a housewife lately.

I figured I'd take the opportunity to catch up while watching our big boy today.  Laundry is almost done. Ironing, not even started. Groceries, purchased and put away.  Dinner, cooking in the crock pot, corn and cauliflower soup - to be served with sauted cod and a salad. Floors swept, vacuumed and mopped, although, I will be doing this one repeatedly over the next few days I am sure.

And for just a moment.  I am resting.

Last night the emotional exhaustion took a firm grip on me and I was sound asleep by 7:30 pm, I just could not function.  Today, I've been rushing around like I have an endless supply of energy.  If my back and feet weren't screaming for a break, I'd still be going strong.

In a few moments I will get back to finishing chores, doing some meal planning for the coming week, and making myself a big chart so I can remember when to give Neeko each of his medications.  It's going to be a bit of a complicated couple of weeks.  And I am fairly certain between hubs and I we are going to be having a lot of choppy days so that he gets all his meds on time.

I'm just enjoying watching the big guy resting peacefully at home.  It has to feel good to be home.  He's a lumpy, bumpy fellow today, they had to insure he had enough fluids in him.  So he's looking a bit like a camel. It will subside and absorb.  Soon he won't look so post surgery puffy.  He will look like our sweet Neeko again.

Thank you all for your prayers.  I am so thankful that God didn't decide it was time for him to cross the rainbow bridge.  We needed more time with him.

finding the road less traveled...

Hard to believe it's been over a week since I left LA.  Since looking down from 30,000 feet, knowing that somewhere down below me my youngest was happily going about his life, feeling a bit lost and disconnected. They grow up, they move on, and at some point you learn to accept those tiny snippets of time for the treasure that they are.

I've been home almost 10 days, I jumped back into insanity straight off the bat.  Long days of catch up, attending training, and dealing with so many things.  It's been stressful, sleep stealing and down right nerve racking.

Yesterday was all mine and Hubs.  Today was the same.  Wind in our face, sun shining down on us.  We've squeezed a few odd jobs in and yes we both know there are so many at home jobs needing done.  And no, we are fairly positive they will not all get done this weekend.

It's okay.

This morning I was sitting there surrounded by "my garden" if you can call it that, googling different things that could be wrong since my zucchini and cucumbers are not setting fruit.  Watching the clouds starting to roll in, I was worried we might not get our whole ride in.  Or if we did, it might have a soggy end.

No calls, no demands on our time, just whatever we want to do.  That is how we spent an entire weekend.

Sitting there enjoying a cup of coffee, listing to Hub's music - he simply cannot enjoy the silence that is nature. We are very different in that. I'm okay with it.  There is plenty of time for me to find beauty in the silence.  He didn't have music all day, I don't like it on the bike.  Too much stimulation for this girl.

We decided to run an errand for a friend yesterday, like we seriously need an excuse to take a long ride down into southeast Missouri.  And Trout Lodge is beautiful regardless of the time of year.  A blistery hot summer day was no exception.  I love that feature on Google maps that lets you avoid highways, etc.   We found beautiful winding two lane black top roads, the kind where the local farmer parks his equipment while going in to have lunch. Not on the side of the road, on the road, and it's all good.   We were probably the only folks past there all day.

As we followed those curvy winding roads and Hubs was concentrating I had the opportunity to simply disappear into thought.  Into daydreams and happy places.

It's so healing, spending time with my best friend.  Picnic lunches, miles and miles of black top slipping by under our tires as we found back roads and much needed peace. Yesterday found us down south, enjoying areas where we used to play, prior to getting our last Harley.  When we still had our property down there.  Zipping past we didn't feel the need to travel down the road that would take us past Woodland Lakes, I guess neither of us truly missed it.

A picnic lunch in Sullivan, with treats from Fricks.  Our favorite grocery/deli in Sullivan.  It hasn't changed a bit.

The evening was spent doing a few chores, not as many as we should have gotten done, but mentally... wow!

We headed north east this morning, both of us craving a trip along the river road. A bit of time spent buzzing through Pere Marquette Park provided us both with a respite from the heat.  There was supposed to be a storm rolling in, seems to have missed us.

A ride across the Mississippi and we were riding along the beautiful roads in Calhoon county.  We stopped at a local farmers stand, just for a few minutes to stretch and browse.  Ended up buying several homemade jams and jellies.  Hubs and I are both huge supporters of local businesses.

The roads there are smooth and winding. The barn quilts are in abundance.  We love rolling hills, the fields of wheat and corn.  It's some of the prettiest country I have ever seen.  And the temperature there is a bit more mild.  Probably because it is so surrounded by raging rivers.

We needed a rest after all those miles and decided to stop at the Grafton Winery.  What an absolute delightful break in our travels.  An iced bottle of wine, incredible anti-pasta plate, and live music.  That was an incredibly talented young man.  The whole place was dancing and singing along.  We will definitely be heading back there!

Unfortunately, the day wound down and it was time to come home.  Laundry was waiting for attention, groceries needed bought and the house needed love.  After all, tomorrow is Monday, the real world will be drawing us back into it's grasp.

I needed this weekend.  Time with my "BFF", a long chat with my girl and a long chat with one of my "b's"... Hours of wrapping my arms around my hubs, enjoying the sunshine and the beauty that is found down the roads less taken.  A weekend of laughter and love.