questioning my value...

Do you know your worth?  Do you ever question it?  Last night I was exhausted.  I'd had a very productive day, but hadn't been able to fix Hubs the dinner he'd asked for and his personal frustration with the way his day had gone had me feeling like an absolute failure.  He didn't make me feel that way, I made me feel that way. 

I powered through my to do list like a crazy woman yesterday.  The house was filled with amazing smells as I roasted tomatoes and onions.  I'd worn myself stupid canning things, forgetting how much I truly enjoy the old ways.  I was thrilled at Hubs' delight with the tomato paste and the vodka sauce.  The scent from the onions filled the house to capacity, it's a warm smell like you get from French onion soup. 

I'd gotten laundry done, some grocery shopping thrown in, even playtime with the pups had happened a few times.  By the time I fixed the modified dinner - I was feeling pretty low, in my defense (not that he blamed me at all) it was after 5 pm when he put in his dinner request, and the stove and oven were in steady use at that point. And he didn't complain at all about the substitution. 

None of those things were the reason for questioning myself.  Hubs had a really rough and long day yesterday.  None of it was in his control or his doing, he was cleaning up a challenge someone else created.  It was wearing on him and frankly making him a tad fussy.  That is when I started to have doubts. 

Since changing my lifestyle just shy of a year ago, I have been so very grateful and filled with joy.  I love being a housewife, I love taking care of my home and doing the things that bring me joy.  But there are times that the modern ideal that one must work outside of the home to have value sneaks in and tries to steal my joy. So many times I have questioned the decision we made, so many times I have wondered if I was pulling my fair share.

Last night was one of those times.  I started going through my mind, telling myself if I was still in corporate America Hubs wouldn't have to deal with this stuff, if I was still punching a clock and doing those things he would have more options. You get the idea.  Hubs is incredible at his job and usually makes it look like he could do it with his eyes closed and half asleep, he's simply a natural. But on those days when nothing is going right, even he gets a case of the grumps. 

I got up from dinner and started folding the laundry, still had a few loads to go, and voiced my concerns to Hubs. His answer is one he's given me many times.  He asked me if I wanted him to put a price to all of the things I do for him and our home.  For him to figure out what it would cost him to have someone else come and do all of those things. He tells me all the time that all he's wanted is a 50's housewife (thank goodness that doesn't involve skirts, high heels and pearls) and that he is so thankful he finally has that.  

He is overjoyed that his personal chore list now involves helping walk puppies, taking out the trash and mowing the lawn. Kind of hard to argue with that kind of logic.  He loves being taken care of and I love taking care of him.  Kind of works don't you think?

I slept super soundly after that.  Everything about me was exhausted when I crawled into bed, but the sense of accomplishment from the day was over the moon.  

My jalapeno's are all canned up and waiting for the next three weeks to be cracked open.  I can't wait to try them.  Ended up with 13 jars of varying sizes.  The tomatoes simmered and baked for hours, the end result was the most decadent tomato paste I have ever tasted, I cannot wait to cook with it, 7 jars there.  I made the base for a vodka sauce, again, we cannot wait to try it, a couple tablespoons of heavy cream while it cooks and all is good with the world.  I felt like I chopped onions forever yesterday, but like I said our house smells heavenly of caramelized onions, they are in the dehydrator right now, soon to be onion powder. 

I hadn't planned to do any cooking today, I had planned to sit with my feet up and crochet (I hate to admit it, but spending hours on my feet bothers my knee a bit).  But the pinging of canning jars as they seal is highly addictive and I simply couldn't wait to get the other items done.  I can't wait until we are eating the foods I made, not the ones from the store that are full of preservatives and little flavor. 

Right now, I'm simply taking a small break.  My back was fighting with me and I need to run back out for a lemon - of all the things to forget. I am trying a new kind of recipe, Pickled Brussels sprouts.   Hubs loves brussels, and I make a ton of charcuterie plates.  I'm hoping they turn out as good as they sound.  I've already prepared and canned the pickled dill green beans and started the pickles they are soaking up the brine as I type. 

Before I lay my head down tonight I hope to have finished the pickled asparagus (that is incredible in a Bloody Mary - FYI) and possibly even the pizza sauce.  We both love the crustless pizza that I make and I am sure it will only be better with a fresh homemade sauce. 

Tomorrow my girlfriend is coming over and all of those beautiful floral teas will become jellies, and I asked her what else she would like to can, a couple of ideas are out there.  Like I said, I'd forgotten how much I missed doing these kind of things.  The joy that comes from providing on a much deeper level than running off to the grocery and buying something that isn't as nourishing, something that lacks the depth of homemade, the trade off for convenience so that I can work a full time job outside of my home. 

Well, I need to get back to filling my beautiful jars with wonderful treats and meals.  I am hoping to be brave enough to try my pressure canner tomorrow, I have never tried it and frankly the learning curve is unnerving. I've already picked out all of the recipes I want to try, so... why not!

love and peace...

best life...

Staring into the mirror the other morning while drying my hair, looking at how light it has become.  Yes, that was a nice way of saying how gray.  The silver strands were dancing in the warm air, seeming to catch all the light from over head.  It caused me to pause for a moment.  And the thoughts of that moment have been lingering for days.  I guess I need to write them down to make them leave.

Do you remember when you were small.  Think back as far as you can.  I remember my grandma always having white hair.  For as far back as I can remember she was the stereotypical Grammie. I remember hearing that someone was a Grandma or that they were in their 50's and thinking wow... that is ancient. When you are little, that seems too far away to comprehend.

I remember hating turning 25, I mean a quarter of a century old.  Man, it felt like a death sentence. 

The 30's didn't bother me much.  They simply were.  There was trauma and sadness and immense joy.  They were years of great transition and change, but age had stopped being something I thought about.  For a moment - I mourned that there would be no more babies, I'd always dreamed of having more.  But that was simply for a moment, I rapidly fell in love with grown up life. And after all fifty seemed forever away.

I mean wasn't fifty supposed to be when the world shifted and changed? 

The forties flew past in a blur.  Hubs and I were busy raising our family, working our jobs and living life.  Age never occurred.

Well at least not to me.  Hubs has been telling me how old he is since we first met. I have always basically considered it a number assigned to us by the calendar.  And that you are only as old as you believe you are... well at least since I survived that dreaded 25th year.

My health has been up and down over the years.  I've had years that I've hated, pain that felt it was never going to end.  During those times, I truly did feel older than my calendar assigned years.

But standing there drying my hair, marveling at the beauty of the silver in it, it struck me that the 50's have been pretty darn decent, and as I move to the half way point of this decade, I realize... I'm not even close to being that "old Grammie" that I thought for sure my sweet Grammie was.

I cherish being a Grandma.  One of the greatest things to happen to me.  I simply don't feel old.

When I am challenging myself to walk the long miles that I am, I find myself wondering if my Grammie ever walked just for the joy of having time that belonged only to her. 

Here, smack dab in the middle of this glorious decade.  I feel like I have finally found me.  Age is just a number.  It doesn't matter.

Today, Hubs and I took Neeko for a walk at his favorite park.  We are trying to make it a Saturday morning ritual to brighten his last months or years, whatever we get with him.  We hadn't gotten Hubs his new walking shoes yet and his old ones hurt his feet. So he was walking just as slowly as our sweet old boy. The deer were hiding in the woods, peeking out at us and watching Neeko with some concern on their little adorable faces. Neek's missed them or he would have considered rushing after them. Unlike last week, when he said I could walk without them, the guilt was gone.  I was ready to stretch out my legs and go.

So much so that I walked the 3-ish miles home from the park, while Hubs drove Neeko home. I definitely did not remember that hill being as steep as it is when you first start up it! I'm working on my second "race" against myself.  No one else is needed for me to push myself hard!

Last Monday I finished my first 50.6 miles with Yes.Fit.  I need those rewards I decided.  Because all week I have been checking to see when am I going to get my shirt, fyi - it arrived today!!  The sense of accomplishment was overwhelming for me.

Ignore the smile... was humoring Hubs

I might have tricked Hubs a bit to get him walking.  I took him to get his new walking shoes today, I think we've found some he will truly love.  And that will help his feet, legs and hips as we clock to the miles together.  He has to work up to where I am, but he's working on it. After we hit the last farmer's market of the season outside at Tower Grove Park, I suggested it was a beautiful day to hit the zoo. I mean it's hard to not have a great walk there!

We have a breathtakingly beautiful zoo.  I'm always torn between the thoughts of what's it's like to live in captivity and the fact that our zoo does so much to help keep so many species from going extinct. It's beautiful, the habitats are well thought out, and just the walking paths alone make it incredible! It's full of rolling hills, twists and turns.  So much to see and do.  Enough places to stop and rest.  It's perfect. Hard to believe it lives right in the middle of this vast urban landscape that is St. Louis.

We both love the zoo, so it was perfect.  It was just warm enough to ward off the need to have heavy coats and mittens. But cool enough that you were not miserable and it was not crowded. It was the perfect afternoon.

I'm sitting here now, more convinced than ever that age is simply a number.  If I didn't see the silver in my hair (mind you it's been there since I was 17 - it has just brought friends) and the slight wrinkles starting to form at my eyes.  I am still the young woman at heart that didn't want to be 25.  I still wear my vans in fun designs.  My heart still longs to turn the occasional cartwheel, but my mind is smart enough to remind it, that I am not as coordinated as I once was and that could lead to broken bones - for myself or the person that I land on.

The only difference I am finding is that here in this decade of time.  I am filled with peace and contentment.  I love most everything about my life. I have a husband that reminds me daily that I am loved and who accepts me as I am.  And anyone that knows me, knows that I am quirky and unique at the best of times.  I am unconventional, yes that was me in a dress on the treadmill yesterday, and I am pretty sure that my drummer has given up and is simply letting me march to the offbeat tunes that rattle through my brain. 

I'm enjoying life.  I feel like I am finally trying to live my best life.  And nope... 54 is definitely not old... in fact... it feels pretty darn young most days!

hurrying...

As I was driving to work today I wasn't chatting with anyone, I was simply listening to music and absorbing my surroundings.  I was lost in a million thoughts about what I was seeing and for a moment in time in awe of the sheer volume of cars on the highway as I drove in.

Actually it started before I even left to head to work.  Hubs and I were a bit delayed in walking Neeko, he was being lazy and didn't want to get out of bed - truthfully neither did I - so we got ready before taking him out.  He'd woken daddy up for a middle of the night potty, he felt no need to rise and shine.  We were walking him, enjoying the sunrise far off to the east, watching the sky get progressively brighter not even 6:30 am on a beautiful Saturday morning.  And all around us the world was already springing to life.  

Neighbors leaving in their cars, walking and getting exercise.  People simple were up and ready to face the world. 

It got me to wondering what happened to the lazy weekend mornings my sisters and I enjoyed as kids.  Laying around in our pj's, munching on our toast or cereal, watching our favorite cartoons on piles of pillows and blankets. I mean sure we had weekend activities, but they didn't start until later in the day.  There was always time to simply be. 

About 45 minutes later I'm heading into work.  Driving along.  Absorbing everything around me.  Trying to merge onto the highway that takes me into the heart of the city and my Y, I realize there are almost as many cars as there are Monday through Friday.  Everyone in a hurry to get somewhere.  

Hazy drivers, gulping down coffee or some other beverage.  Often looking dazed and blinded by the morning light.  Little cars packed with the types of signs you see when there are estate sales or open houses.  Trucks heading to job sites. 

Do we ever rest anymore?

Can we?

Hubs was off bright and early, he was taking advantage of not having to take time off work to do some routine lab work, there is a lab that is open on Saturday's down the road a bit from our home, he figured if he headed in early he'd be in and out.  Or maybe not... seems 4 other folks had the same idea. 

I turned down one of the residential streets that would take me to the branch, I see another group of men gathered around a house that is under renovation, by the huge dumpster in the drive, my guess was they were getting ready to put a new roof on. All of them bundled up in layers to take off as the chill of the morning gives way to the beautiful fall day we have been promised. 

Pulling into our back parking area, I see the sports director off in the fields, working on making sure the stripes are crisp and clean, that nothing had disturbed them overnight.  The morning mist was still rising from the fields.  It was still hazy out.  The sun just cresting above all the buildings and trees.  

Soon the kids would start arriving, soon there would be tons of activity. 

I guess for some reason, I am struggling with the constant factor of life today.  The lack of times to shut off the alarm and simply exist.  The cups of coffee on the deck while the sun rises and the crisp air surrounds us.

I was blessed to be part of a retreat this week.  They held it at the zoo.  I sometimes struggle with the offerings.  Not because they aren't good, but because they don't often speak to me and my personal needs.  Each of us are different and have a different path we are following, so as the adage goes you cannot please everyone all of time... This one was different.  I encountered very few negative Nellies. And the focus was on personal development.  Not career development, although that definitely was a great side benefit for our Y. 

It did not hurt that my assigned table was right in front of a HUGE window that formed a side the one of the aquariums at Rivers Edge.  Because it was so calming to watch the giant catfish meander through the waters.

They had different speakers that focused on us as people.  My favorite yogi, did a great presentation on meditation and the value it brings to you.  I have to say, I was so excited that was my first presentation of the day.  I enjoyed it so much, and think I need to get her to make a few YouTube video's on mediation. I was sharing it with Hubs this morning.  Asking him to explore it deeper with me.  I felt so good after starting my morning out like that.  It was also interesting to think about all the times I find myself completely engrossed in one of my hobbies, that I am actually in a state of meditation.  No wonder I always feel better after times of intense creativity. 

The next one for me was on True Colors - I had never heard of this, and found it intensely interesting and accurate.  I wasn't at all surprised by my outcome.  I was the prefect split between blue and gold with strong green tendencies... And almost zero orange.  I know that sounds as silly as it comes, but what it comes down to is that I am a perfect mix of a relater and builder, with a strong tendency towards planning and I am absolutely not an adventurer! When I looked at the definitions for both of my strong categories, it was shockingly spot on!  The pro's and the con's.  And I couldn't relate at all to the orange categories - completely not who I am as a person!  But it was interesting and engaging and I always feel that knowing about who you are as a person and the people you surround yourself with makes stronger relationships!

The final one was a mental health presentation.  By far my least favorite, it simply didn't speak to me, but I did get some helpful tidbits.  

The final part was a scavenger hunt throughout the zoo.  I love our zoo!  And I got to really get to know some of my peers and co-workers better.  It definitely filled my bucket!

It felt for a moment like slowing down and putting things into perspective.  In a week full of insanity in the rush about world.  It was nice to slow down and breathe. 

Still really questioning where we are pushing ourselves to, what the outcome is.  This non-stop hurrying about isn't really good for anyone.

I feel like all of us need a moment or two where we simply stop. We need to focus on us. 

I am as guilty as the next, after all this morning, required me coming to work... actually it will be another week before I have a full day off.  I'm already feeling the six days I've completed this week.  I struggled hard to get up this morning. 

Rushing home for work it was definitely time for a hygge moment or two... A hot bowl of Chickpea and Potato Curry with some yummy fresh baked bread for lunch and another batch of soap is curing.  That's two...

My bucket is feeling empty, I needed some me time!

Getting ready to make a few more batches of soap and take a few more chapters of my cooking class. And if I am not too tired, I think I might head up to my sewing room. I need to be creative. 

new paths...

This morning's sunrise was calm.  There were no raging colors, the penetrating ray's of blinding light were strangely absent.  As I sat in my rocker on the deck this morning, enjoying the unusual chill of the past few mornings, I listened silently to the world coming to life. 

It's been a rough few weeks.  The struggles aren't over yet. And I am truly not sure if that light I see ahead is the light at the end of the tunnel or simply an oncoming train.   

Last night I was not in a good spot, neither was Hubs, our solution?  We went chasing the sunset.  Top down beautiful evening miles and miles of back roads. I wasn't so upset, he was calmer, life was more balanced.  We had a chance to enjoy the drive and talk.  No phones, no televisions, no interruptions. We balanced for a moment in time.

I'm trying to look at life and everything going on from a less reactive state of mind.  I'm trying to sit back and process it all.  I'm trying to understand where this journey is taking us and how to follow the path holistically.  I'm trying to look at things from the perspective of what am I to learn from this challenge.

Sitting there in the silence, listening to the birds calling each other from probably miles apart, watching the moon slowly fading as the sky lightened, I felt peaceful.  There is more chaos in our lives than I feel equipped to handle.  Each time I think, okay... we've got this... there is another huge road block that flies up in our faces.  Yesterday, was no exception.  Together we will sort things through.  We will figure out what we are meant to learn from each new "adventure". 

It's been over a week since we lost our Gator.  He's home now.  His box is beautiful, his collar still carries the faint fragrance of him.  He was going to get a bath last weekend, he didn't end up needing it. It's odd.  My heart misses him, I hate looking at his empty beds - which I will put away this weekend,  Neeko isn't interested in them. Yet I feel calm.  I feel he is racing happily with his Amber, running through grasses and chest bumping each other.  I feel he is at peace.  I know that is a strange thought for some people.  For me... he was my baby... I know he's waiting at the Rainbow Bridge.  I know our spirits will be together some day.  

For now, we are simply spoiling the Neeks.  The toys I complain about are littering the floors, of course he needs them all.  Extra snuggles and more space on the bed.  He will never be a snuggle up to sleep boy, even as he gets crazy close.  

I don't feel a need or even desire to welcome any other pups into our home.  It isn't the time.  It's time for something else right now.  I'm not all together sure what, but something.  We can take the Neeks a few places now, his health isn't as precarious as Gator's was.  He's old, not feeble.  When we are on vacation next week we will spend some time with him, find some new places to take some leisurely walks and most likely find him some treats.  A juicy steak would suit him just fine. 

I thought I would be dragging Hubs on this new journey of mine, as I work to regain my own health.  Determined to drag him if I had to.  Ironically, there was no dragging.  No kicking and no screaming.  I might be a bit shocked.  We aren't done studying, learning and gathering information.  We are working to insure that we are both healthy and have many more wonderful years together. 

Some of this journey is still undefined.  Some it is is more of a gradual revelation.  Kind of like the beautiful rocks that I checked on this morning.  I think there are many things moving through my life experience right now that are the universes why of demanding that I pay attention.  Some of them are little jabs, pricks to the consciousness.  

Like yesterday.  

I was helping to clean up at the annual book fair.  The Y has been doing it for 41 years now.  I have only been cleaning up for 16, I forgot the year that I didn't work for the Y as I was remembering each one.  Slowly it has improved.  Very slowly.  We weren't in the blazing sun, nothing involved conveyor belts, and there were very few pinched fingers.  Muscles are aching today, but that is the extent of physical damage.  

More so, the revelation is all that is lingering.  As we moved literally thousands of pounds of books, first into huge gaylord boxes to be resold to a book seller. And finally into the recycling bins, we filled two 40 yard recycling bins to the very tops.  No room left in either.  And a 30 yard dumpster with things that cannot be recycled or sold. I was shaken to my core.  It was depressing to callously through all of that stuff away.  I hope the recycling company actually recycles it, but I don't have much faith in humankind any longer. 

We have become such a wasteful, consumerism driven society.  I put enough duplicate copies of books into bins that I could have easily filled a small book store. What drives this?  As I was processing all of those books I was reflecting on my own home and belongings.  I have tons of books, that at a point in time, I felt strongly about owning.  But why?

It isn't just books.  It's everything around us.  

I am processing a lot right now.  Mentally, I am on overload.  Physically, I feel that I am healing, the process will take time. It will not be an overnight fix.  Which I feel that far too many people are looking for these days.  I saw a meme the other day that really spoke to me.  It was on a friends weight loss motivation site... two lines, one for the quick way, one for the one that takes a lot of work and commitment.  Guess which line was the longest...

I am as guilty as the next one. I think I've become so busy filling my life with stuff, that I have lost some of the most valuable stuff - time with family and friends, adventures, rest and doing things that genuinely matter.  Bike rides with Hubs, adventures with kids and the Neeks.  (I almost wrote the boys - guess my heart isn't there yet.) 

I can't continue to pour from an empty bucket and I am aware of that.  I am aware of the walls I am building to protect my heart and of the damage I am doing to myself to help others.  I think most of us are.  We just don't step back to reflect and learn, society doesn't want us to.  

Tomorrow is our anniversary... 16 years.  We've been through so much together, Hubs still owes me a minimum of 14 more, that was our agreement, he had to promise me at least 30 years.  I'm pushing for 40.  

So much is changing, I'm trying to stay steady and true in the midst of the storms that keep brewing.  On Saturday we are hitting a HUGE reset button.  We are slowing down and stepping back from life for a bit.  Maybe finally doing some things that we want to do.

New journey's are not always good, the challenges are not always bad.  Sometimes they are the portal to a better place to be... 

escape plans

Innocent words, harmless in their structure and meaning. Parts of random conversation.

Reminders.

I'm sliding off into an abyss.  I am not sure I am strong enough to take any more.

I'm sitting here feeling crushed.  Not even sure there are words to sort it all out.  None of the words or actions are wrong.

Problem is, they are far too right.

My sweet hubs is off on a morning ride to catch the sunrise.  He has no idea how much I have been longing for that very thing.  It was one of our favorite things to do when we had nothing.  Just an old used bike that he kept in good shape and time.

That's the problem... time...

I hope he finds the very joy we used to find together.  Down meandering roads, watching dear bouncing through the grasses. The mist hovering just about the ground and the sun taking a leisurely stroll above the horizon.

His heart felt note taped lovingly to the mirror, doors pulled shut so I could rest, was a dagger.  It was given in pure love.  An acknowledgment of the sheer exhaustion I am feeling and dealing with, pure love.

Our mornings are no longer our own.  Either he is working or I am.  I don't remember the last time I arrived home at a reasonable hour, so there is no time there either.

I am missing out on everything.

Life. Is. Too. Short.

I hate heights.  They make me sick.  Yet I'm standing up on the top of the highest cliff and there is no where to turn or run.

There is no out.

My grandchildren are finding other grandma's.  Because this one "is always working".

Anyone remember the song "Cats in the Cradle"? In this hurry, rush, move at the speed of light life that we seem to lead nowadays... it's becoming my theme song.

My dad was always busy.  Always gone.  I am becoming that person. I am living my life through a series of pictures, video clips and loss.

My daughter could tell I was hurting and upset last night, but not why.  And trying to put it into words, i couldn't.  It made me cry.  She had some pretty profound things to say, asking me if I had found a plan to make things better.  Wanting to know what my exit strategy was.  What was the path I needed to follow to get where I wanted to be.

As I sat quietly watching the shooting stars - the sky was full of them last night.  Making wishes and chasing dreams.  My heart was breaking and my mind wouldn't focus. It had been so long since I had sat and enjoyed the silence, stars and company of loved ones on a beautiful evening.

She left around 11:30, her older kids were coming out to spend the night and have quality mom time.  She isn't missing a moment in time.  She is making memories.

If I disappeared tomorrow, just got in my car and kept on driving, how long would it truly be before anyone noticed?  Work might be the first.  But my family and loved ones... Hubs would be next but not for around 10 hours (how far can a person go in 10 hours), unless someone from work called to see where I was.  My kids and grand-babies... who knows.  They have become immune to my absence.

It isn't just me.  I listened to a young lady asking what work life balance was, and was it worth the price. Because from her young space in the world, the price was far to high.  I celebrated knowing that another friend who has been working far too much told me she was taking some down time. She needs it.

What is the price?  I heard that very question asked.  And I felt the struggle all the way down to the depths of my soul.  How do you define the price?  How do you estimate the price?  The cost?  Do missed opportunities, lack of energy to be able to do anything else?  Does the loss of yourself have a price tag?  Is a person's life worth as much as they are being paid to do a job?

I'm always rushing in to concerts, recitals, missing important moments.  It feels like an eternity since I have been able to plan and execute anything?  People ask me for stuff and I have seriously reached the point the only answer I have is "no".

No, I can't do dinner.  No, I can't make plans.  No, I don't have time for phone calls.  No, I don't have the energy to engage in a block party.  No, I don't have the strength any longer for any of it.

I am surrounded by a life unlived.  I am checking off boxes and struggling as a human doing, when I crave to be a human being.  Planters unfilled, a beautiful deck paradise sitting lonely and bare. A big, well lit, sewing room, something I have longed for is still scattered with boxes, a path to the sewing machine is all that shows it can even be used.  Sweet Hubs was shocked when I told him I'd downloaded a class to help me learn to use my long arm quilting machine.  I guess in all the idleness he figured it was simply something that I had wanted for decoration.  My unspun roving hangs forlornly, on my beautiful spinning wheel. Another decoration in a life unlived.

The people I love are finding replacements to fill the voids left by my absence.  I'm not dead, although I am slowly being replaced.

One of my staff gave the mission moment this past week at a meeting.  Ironically, it was the poem "The Dash".  One of my absolute favorites.  She had no idea that was the case, she had no idea the power that had on me, has for many years.  Am I living my dash?  Or will it simply be just that, a dash.

My dear sweet Hubs saw my text.  I don't know what it said right now, it was a heartfelt response to the post-it on the mirror telling me he was chasing the sunrise.  He pulled over and called me.  He heard the hurt in my heart, not at him, but at the loss of an opportunity.

In his kind, sweet way.  He ordered me to go put on riding clothes, that he was on his way.  I didn't get to watch the sunrise.  I did get to feel the wind on my face, my arms wrapped around my sweet husband.  I did get to enjoy the beauty of the countryside as it woke up to a beautiful Sunday morning.  The cool, crisp morning air only brought home a bit more strongly the need and desire to make a change. We found a precious little family restaurant for breakfast - down the road and around the corner from no where close.

The universe has been giving me messages.  Some have been far more subtle.  Friends posting quotes.  An overwhelming feeling of loss.  Some have been razor sharp, harmless words that cut all the way to the bone, because the truth they carried was more than could be measured in that moment.

I need to start listening.  I need to follow the advice I received last night sitting under a starry sky filled with shooting stars.

What is the escape plan?  And just what does that mean?