the gloomies...

Definitely woke up in a mood this morning.  I was feeling terribly defeated, like I haven't progressed nearly far enough in the last 10 weeks. I was feeling a bit like I was letting myself down.  A lot of it is that I now wake myself up at night with a jolt of pain.  It isn't that the knee is in anyway not healing.  It's that I am sleeping soundly and because it isn't hurting and does bend so well that I am now moving around a bit in my sleep, the problem, is that because it bends... I bend it.  Past the point it is comfortable being bent.  That is quite the wake up call.  It doesn't hurt for long, it's the same sensation you get when you have worked a muscle too hard or strained it and then unexpectedly you move it.  

I did that about 4 times last night.  So my fussy was totally at myself.  I'd robbed myself of deep sleep and I also was feeling like a failure. Because of my nocturnal acrobatic stunts, my knee was stiff and a bit sore when I woke up.  My mind again kicked into overdrive, berating myself for not being further along the recovery trail.  I was mad at me. 

Luckily, I am married to a guy that can easily talk me down off that ledge.  Hot coffee, a hug, a kiss and the constant question "ready to walk"?  He keeps me focused on the forward motion.  With his usual mix of irony and sass he informs me that I am being unreasonable about my limitations and gently reminds me that it hasn't been three months yet.  How can I not remember that?  How can I allow myself to forget?

This is also the first damp and rainy week I've experienced since surgery.  How quickly one forgets the pain this kind of weather used to bring, pre-surgery.  How quickly one forgets that a total knee replacement is major surgery. 

He sweetly matches his pace to my shuffle.  I've been trying to match his longer stride and found that it is more than I can do right now, I want to, but if I keep the stride shorter and I focus I can actually go further without exhaustion.  Note to self: stop pushing and take it slow. 

Sitting in my chair working on a project, heating pad on high and getting a bit pouty, I happened to look down.  My feet were gently crossed, I was sitting in an incredibly comfortable position and I was not hurting.  It was the universe stepping in to speak to me, as Hubs had left for work.  It was the universe pointing out that I am healing and I am right one schedule.  To stop being fussy, to stop berating myself because it has been a hard week.  To simply allow things to take their course. 

I needed that simple reminder. 

I am not the only person that pushes, that fails to have patience. So I scrolled back through pictures from weeks gone past.  I had to stop and celebrate how far on this journey I have come.  I had to celebrate those crossed feet and the fact that I am able to do so much for myself and without pain.  Pain had been my constant companion for so long that I had forgotten what it felt like to not have any. 

After a few more minutes and finishing up my podcast I was listening to, I felt fresh and almost energetic.  The gloom had lifted, I was ready to be human. 

For the first time all week, I completed my chores, I tidied my house, I chatted with my sister and I was moving about feeling normal.  It wasn't a change in my physical state, I felt the same that I had been feeling.  It was a change in my mental state.  

As I sat processing that reality, I was also absorbing the fact that we have very powerful minds.  My mind decided I was not succeeding, my mind was my road block.  Not my knee, which is healing very nicely and far quicker than should be expected.  

I then started wondering how much we as humans could accomplish if we simply set our minds and our intentions to do so.  I don't believe we give the power of thought enough credit. Our thoughts can dictate our day, our emotions, the outcome of situations that we haven't even encountered yet. 

Today I am beyond grateful for my sweet Hubs for starting the shift in my mood and attitude, for taking the time to let me linger (briefly) in my funk and then gently nudging me out of it.  I am also grateful for being still long enough to gaze at my feet and hear the message from the universe.  Even a month ago I could not have imagined crossing my feet again while sitting in my chair, and yet without thought or realization here I was doing it. 

I am grateful that my subconscious was aware and awake to the little voice screaming in my head to pay attention.  I am grateful that it did. 

Our minds are powerful, I firmly believe that what we think about we bring about, and today was a reminder to me of how powerful and strong that statement is.  That it can be a positive thing or a negative thing and we are the only ones that can make the decision to hold strong to what we truly want.  Shush the negative Nelly that we all have and remember that all of us need someone in our corner helping to cheer us forward. I hope that all of us have that person in our lives and that we are always that person for someone else. 

Peace and love...   

malaise...

Sitting here in the sunshine, enjoying these cooler mornings, savoring my coffee.

I should be relaxed and calm.

Instead I am in a very strange place. I want to cry for someone I barely know.  I am mourning a decision they made at a very young stage in their adulthood and understanding the impact it will have for the rest of their life.

When the email popped up that I had been waiting for, my heart sunk.  I knew it was coming.  I knew there was no way for it not to.  But to see it in black and white, truly hurt my heart.

Change is hard.

I've been in a cycle of change for a bit.  Actually over a year.  Dad passing started it.  The fear of losing Hubs when he had his stroke and other health issues has compounded it.  The loss of our Snug and Gator, have felt like further blows. And each day watching our Neeko age is absolutely bitter (as November and his 15th birthday loom nearer I feel a greater sense of dread).

There are many bright spots too.  So much good has happened in the midst of it all.  And I am reminded of that frequently.  Spending time with Hubs and the kids.  Enjoying it.  Knowing the boy will come home for a visit at the end of the year fills my heart with hope and joy.

The journey Hubs and I are on, inspires me to do better.  Its a huge change.

I think the lack of definition, this messy period of change is what is wearing me out and causing this malaise in my soul.

This path and journey feel like they must be walked and each bit must be felt. The laughter, the tears, the uncertainty, the joy.  Yet I am longing for calm. 

I absorb too much emotionally. 

Like I said, I've had brief encounters with the person my heart is aching for.  Yet for almost 36 hours, my heart has ached.

Hubs has a temper, always has.  I understand it most of the time and am able to allow him the space to vent and rage when needed.  Lately, it seems to be more present and unavoidable.  I have a deep distrust of big pharma and docs and their solutions.  I saw my Dad become the same after being put on several of the medications that Hubs is now on. 

I want this whole food plant based lifestyle to have an immediate impact.  I want my sweet Hubs back. I don't want to worry about him.

My patience is not strong enough.

I want solutions now.  I want all his medications gone.  I want my sweet Hubs healthy.  I want my normal grumbling teddy bear back.

I'm sitting out on my deck, listening to an assortment of critters, waking up and calling for their breakfast.  I don't know what I am listening to, just that it surrounds me.  I assume a variety of birds.  I can see a cardinal way up high in one of the trees towering above me.  I cannot locate the ruckus behind me. 

I cherish time to simply sit and soak in the sounds of nature.  I mourn the intrusion of the mowers and vehicles I hear in the background.

My home is filled with the sent of freshly baked vegan/oil free granola and seed bark.  It's fragrant and warm.  I have the door open so the scent follows me outside. Slowly I am learning to prep here and there.  To take the few minutes now that will result in having the things we need later.  The things that will keep us from heading to the grocery or risking eating something not good for us. I am learning again to savor those moments in time.

I used to spend hours doing that.  Long before a cell phone or computer was part of my world. Long before "convenience" became a word that replaced all others.  I've been missing so much of what brings me joy.

The sounds and scents surrounding me this morning bring me joy. 

I couldn't believe it when I woke up at 4 am.  Even the alarm wasn't set that early.  Yet, I was out of sleep and ready for the day. I spent quiet time stretching and lying in the silence, just being.  I don't do that often enough. It was the perfect start to these two glorious days off. I need them.

It was odd, several folks asked my plans for the weekend.  I'm sure it sounded like a to-do list to them.  To me, it sounded like paradise. Hubs is off taking care of maintenance on his car, I've already been cooking and cleaning.  I'm simply enjoying this moment of guilt free rest.  I plan to clean up the house, maybe even extract the carpets.  I want to clean my car.  Tidy my yard.  Help my daughter complete a project that has been waiting for far too long and then... who knows.  There is a Crystal Fest that I would love to go to, I wouldn't mind stalking the Bombay Food Junkies and stopping at the Farmers market.  The weather is so beautiful, maybe a short hike at one of the local state parks.  Or... I might just sit peacefully at home and plan our menu for the week.  Or maybe I will decided to cook a fancy WFPB dinner.  It's even possible that I may take a nap out here in the soft sunlight.

I mean seriously, these two days are my oyster.  My refuge.  I need them.

Soon I will have a phone conversation with one of my team.  It will deflate me again.  But only for a moment or two.  I am sad.  I cannot change it, nor can I impact it.  I am learning to let things go that aren't meant for me. 

This period of growth and change feels so powerful.  Bigger than I am.  Yet I have faith that all things happen in this life the way they are meant to.  And each of us is stronger and more powerful than we realize.

cannot connect...

Are we too connected?  Too technologically integrated?  Oh the irony of that statement as I sit here typing a blog instead of writing in a journal.

As lightening flashed and thunder literally rumbled on for long drawn out times, I was actually jarred awake at 315 am by my phone. It wasn't the beautiful storm that woke me, it was the theme song to the "IT Crowd".  As I was groping in the darkness for my phone, answering it without looking at caller ID because... 1) can't see without my glasses and 2) if you are calling me at 315 am, I am going to assume it is important.

Hmmm... important... I guess it depends on who you are.  I would rate that one as absolutely not important. It was the alarm company calling to let me know that our maintenance trouble alarm had gone off and reset itself.  Of course it did.  It's storming.  Our phone lines are horrible and as soon as they disconnect, the alarm says there is a maintenance trouble.  And it resets when they reconnect. So no, I would not say that is a valid reason to call me in the middle of the night.

Building on fire, that one I would buy.  But a disconnected phone line?  I am guessing someone in Kansas City working a night shift got bored.

Trying to drift back to sleep after a 2 minute phone conversation in a raging thunderstorm with your pups huddled against you quivering out of fear is difficult at best.

Just as I was finally drifting back to sleep an alarm goes off, my phone is once again loudly buzzing. This time to let me know there is a flood warning for my area. Okay. Fair enough, I live in a fairly large area surrounded by rivers.  There are large areas of land that are in the flood plains.  I am not. As it was storming when we all went to bed, I would think they would have paid attention to those alerts stating there was danger of flash flooding. Maybe not.  But, I got it.  I understood.  I guess.

As I was once again struggling to fall asleep and wondering if those people they were trying to warn actually had cell phones, someone else must have wondered the same thing.  As my phone was yet again playing the "IT Crowd" theme song.  This time is was an automated weather alert, telling me the same thing the text message alert does.

I struggled for a long time after the third waking in an hour and 15 minutes.  I seriously considered giving up on sleep and just starting on my "homework" early.  I was just so very tired.  My brain was working at warp speed, full of things I needed to do, composing this blog, thinking of the day ahead.  I was not a happy camper.

At some point I finally drifted back to sleep, probably grouchy, because I sure woke up a few hours later feeling cranky and out of sorts.  The rain had stopped and my pups were whining to go for a walk.

As I got ready to walk them, I found myself longing for my high school days.  No I am never nostalgic for high school, it was simply something to get through.  In fact I am not someone who ever wishes to go back. What I was longing for was a time before phones in my home.  When I grew up we walked to the payphone or used a neighbors if we wanted to make a call.  Cell phones were simply the communicators on Star Trek. Computers were new fangled things that hadn't quite started being "personal".  There was no email, if you wanted to communicate in writing, well that is what you did, you got a piece of paper and you wrote it down. Maybe it was a note you passed in class or a letter that you put a stamp on, but nothing at all was instant.

When you went to bed at night, it was to sleep. You didn't get jarred awake.

I often feel that we are far too connected.  I am just as guilty as anyone else.  I often chat with family and friends as I drive to and from work.  Even as I curse the fact that my Honda and my android phone are never going to be close personal friends, and I refuse to buy an "i" anything. I use the time to catch up.

It seems that we are all so busy now, that we squeeze things in, we don't take the time to just be.  Maybe that is why I refuse to listen to music while I walk.  Maybe I need to connect with nature?  I don't know.  I do know that constant connection is stressful and wearing thin.

We used to mail letters and wait.  Now we send text messages and get annoyed when they are not instantly answered. What an inpatient and demanding world we've become.  No signal, often equals stress and a feeling of loneliness.

I think I need to incorporate a bit more disconnection in my life.  A bit more silence, face-to-face conversation, time with people and not so much "connection".  I need to read a few more paper books and a few less online stories.

Although, I don't think I will ever go back to writing a paper journal.  My handwriting stinks, always has, and I enjoy blogging. It helps me think. To reason through things in life that seem crazy and complicated.  Or simple and mundane.

I think I am going to call down to Hubs, again with the irony on the intercom and see if he's going to walk with me this morning.  I missed my walk due to weather yesterday and that could have something to do with me being out of sorts.

Find some time with weekend to disconnect.  For a moment or two at least...

Etiquette...don't we teach it anymore?

Day two of doctor imposed exile.

Maybe it's the beautiful sunrise.

Maybe it's the crackling fire Hubs built before leaving.

Or maybe my temper tantrum is over.

At any rate I feel like a human being again.  No wine, cheese or olives were required to bring me back to center.  In fact I can't even credit a good night's sleep, thanks to the moron that felt the need to call the house at 9:48 pm.

I am fairly positive that most adults over say 30 were raised that you simply didn't call a non-family, non-best friend, non-close personal friend after 8 pm unless it were life or death or something of great importance. I can assure you that unless the message I had left for anyone involved the words call me any time day or night, I will not be pleasant if you call me at 9:48 PM.

That is not to say if my children, grand children, family members, friends or people that I am close to called me any time of the day or night I would not stop everything, wake out of a deep sleep or whatever to be there for them. Because that is exactly what would happen.

But... and this is the huge hairy gorilla in the room... if you are someone I would avoid talking to during waking hours... well I can assure you I do not want to be woken up hearing your drunken, loud voice echoing in my bed room when I am not the person on the phone with you.

Needless to say, it was a short night.

I am one of those people that once I am fully awakened at night, and I was when "the nighttime message returning couldn't respect that people were sleeping and continued to talk for about twenty minutes moron" called, I don't have the ability to fall right back asleep.

Bonus for the caller, and one of the few reasons I am only slightly upset, is that I hobbled across the hall to keep from saying the wrong thing and started digging through some knitting project bags in my sewing room. Remember I am working on finishing all those UFO's this year.

Sitting there in the semi-silence, stewing like an old wet hen, I propped my leg up and started sorting through. I found that beautiful blue sweater that I had started, evidently four years ago.  I know this now, because as I was cleaning out the bag it was in, I found folded up with the pattern my end of work notes on my international trivia event from 2012.  It seemed like only a few months had passed, not a few years.

Luckily it is a very timeless pattern.  So the fact that it will be entering my wardrobe a full four years after I started it will not be a huge issue.  For some reason I was convinced it was a lace pattern and that I was going to need to tear some of it completely out in order to be able to "catch up".  It has had me frozen for literally years! Seems I am just about 3 inches short of completing the second sleeve (and I am even pass the increases) and just have the yoke to go after that. And there is not a bit of lace in the entire sweater.  How did I forget that fact?

All of this made me incredibly excited. If you have to be woken up, brutally in my opinion, it is always good to have a great outcome.

The other thing that simply made my night, was that as I was going through those two bags I located not one, but two sets of my nook earbuds.  Those were my absolute favorites, and I knew I had lost one set - I thought forever, because Hubs found out they were discontinuing them and knew I had lost the only set I had so he bought me two more.  One has been hanging out in his night stand, I was only able to borrow them, as I do have a horrible habit of misplacing them. As of last night, I now know where all three sets are!

Not only that  (and this is a horrible confession to make) I finally found my IPod Nano.  Something else Hubs had bought me that I had "misplaced".  I rarely misplace knitting needles, crochet hooks, quilting supplies, soap making tools, etc, but technology tools, especially small ones... lets just say I struggle with that.  It was in the pocket of one of my knitting bags.  As I was removing the leftover balls of yarn from more projects than I can even remember, I felt it in the side pocket.  Hadn't been charged in years.  In fact I don't even have the computer that had all my music etc loaded on to it any longer.  I was excited just the same. Seems you charge those little suckers up and they work great, even after at least four years.

Hubs finished his call and was heading downstairs (evidently the person that has no idea that people sleep during the night time hours, also had no idea that asking someone to get out of bed and send an email for them, was really pushing the limits of acceptable) as he knocked softly on my sewing room door, maybe he was afraid I was grouchy (he does know me so well)?  Although when I told him to come in,  he claimed it was in case I was in there working on something for him.  Seems two pair of socks and picture for his wall have created a monster.  He was hoping that the stitching I was doing was for him.

Guess I'd better get on it and provide him with another pair of socks. Seems he now craves those homemade goodies.  Yes, that is the sound of my heart beating just a little bit more happily.   He swears he'll wear a sweater - if the sleeves are the same length, that's another story. I know he won't.  He gets hot too easily and never wears sweaters for more than a minute.  That is too many hours of work for it to sit in the back of his closet.

Yes the Christmas decorations are still up...

Well, my fire is burned out, I've had to reset my internet password (thanks to whoever has been working diligently this morning to break into it) and now I have to wait for Hubs to come home to show me how to reset all the televisions... Yep, this girl can spin her own yarn and knit or crochet it up into functional clothing, but give her something a 5 year old could program and she is an idiot!

Before I knit, I have a feeling it is time to curl up in the recliner with my aching leg elevated and take a nap!

welcome autumn...

A cup of hot spiced tea, from the recipe we've been making since I was in my early teens (has it really been almost 40 years ago?) is sitting beside me.  The smell of fresh baked cookies is filling the air, the our sweet grand baby needed some, so did Grampa! The smell of fire places burning outside fills the night air.

And after a few really long and stressful weeks, I feel peaceful. I didn't get nearly as much done as I'd planned this weekend.  The exhaustion of the past few weeks has been very pervasive. What I did get done though has been a balm to my battered soul.

I've been slightly anti-social when I haven't been at work, and even then it's been a struggle.  I have felt a strong urge to wrap myself tight in a cocoon.  Not letting anyone but the closest family and friends in.  I have felt overwhelmed and trapped.  It has been very unpleasant.  It's hard to smile when you don't want to.  It's hard to battle an invisible illness, that others are making worse, when no one can see it.


Today I sat in my comfy chair in front of the fireplace, my toes warmed and my heart feeling loved.  I did hours worth of work, I would have rather been knitting, but sometimes what we want and what we have to do are at odds with one another.

The fact that my loving hubby made me a fire, a pot of coffee and put my favorite chair close enough to warm my toes, knowing the task at hand was making me grouchy and unhappy, made me feel loved and cherished.  I do not have words to describe the power of pure love to heal a battered and weary mind and body.

That simple action changed my center.  It didn't make the task at hand any more pleasant, but it made it far more palatable.

Tonight the beautiful grand baby called, she needed time with us.  That is equally as powerful.  So while rocking to some old school music we worked together to bake cookies for our loved ones while munching on the chicken that Grampa cooked and chatting away.

These are the things that compose a life.  It's not the mundane, it's not the things that steal our joy, it isn't the stress inducers.  It's the smell that fall brings, it's the love we find ourselves wrapped in, it is cherishing our family and close friends.  Those are the bits that bring it all together.

I am so blessed!

Ugghhh...

First world problems... my darn phone is giving me fits.  I hate it!  I am not a techno geek, I do not keep up on the latest and greatest. I am pretty much old school central.  If I had a house phone and did not have an almost obsessive compulsion to always be available for my hubby,  kids and grand kids I am fairly positive I would just say toss it and forget it.

This makes me happy... phone... not so much

I dread when a phone starts to fail because that leads to a whole mess of problems that I absolutely do not want to deal with!  The first thing being finding a new phone.  Like I said, I do not keep up on the latest and greatest.  And can honestly say my first phone which was $49.99 is the most expensive phone I have ever bought.  I always search the site for those free to $.99 phones. I despise the thought of paying so much for a phone.  Especially when I already pay so much a month for the privilege of constant connection.

This is not a great start to my Friday.  It feels like just one more jab in my already cranky state about current affairs and life.  It's a stark reminder to me that I have allowed so many outside influences to intrude into my bubble.

So... do I need to go with a smart phone?  I will admit there are a few apps that have made my life easier, but they aren't really something I cannot live without.  I will also own up to the fact that I love having my camera ready at a moments notice, but I actually own two really wonderful camera's and could carry one with me without too many struggles. And truthfully does life really need to be recorded all the time? Probably the only thing I would really miss is the convenience of texting and connecting easily. I cannot stand texting on a flip phone... drives me crazy.

I am not an apple fan, which is why I do not own an iPhone, or an i-anything for that matter.  I had an iPod Nano that was given to me by the hubs as a gift... I can tell you that it was pretty much wasted money.  It's like new - probably used once or twice - I also cannot stand anything forcing music into my ears and I am not really sure where it is since we've moved.  He meant well, he was trying to make my bike rides more enjoyable.  He's the guy that needs constant sounds, so it's tough for him to relate to my need for silence.

So I am back at my original struggle... I will need to replace my phone, unfortunately as I still reside in this crazy, connected, communicative world I require one.  I need it for work, I want it to be connected to my family and friends.

I don't know what kind, style or well anything else.  I simply know it is a need that I will have to face.  Once I have faced it and made that ugly decision then comes the tough part.  Learning a new phone!!  I hate technology.  Hubs will be a doll and print me out the users manual, he will probably email it to me also.  I won't read it.  I will look up the key things I need to know.  I won't care about all the bells and whistles or the fact that it can do somersaults if I train it right (okay I admit that is a bit snarky)...  Why can't they make a smart phone for people like me.  I am not going to ever use most of the stuff it comes loaded with.  I want my basics, the stuff I need daily.  The rest of it, no thanks.

I don't want to play games on my phone.  I don't need an app for every aspect of my life.  I want my address book, my Facebook, my banking, my work stuff, my crafting stuff and that is about all I need. Oh I guess I do adore Google maps... I can honestly tell you there is stuff on my phone I have never once considered opening, don't know how it works and don't intend to learn.  That is simply how I am.

In my world, in my first world kind of problems, this is a disaster!  It will require far more effort than I want to give it.  And far more energy that I feel like wasting.  Why can things simply not be made to last? I have socks that I wear constantly, that I knit with great care that have lasted longer than a cell phone does.

This gray overcast day goes very well with my mood over this latest development... Well if you are trying to reach me by cell phone for the next little bit... please be aware the silly thing might not be working... you might need to try a different method.

Friday the 13th...

Like many folks I stayed up late last night to enjoy the rather rare treat of a full moon on a Friday the 13th. Not because I am superstitious nor because I don't think there will be another full moon. The moon on Thursday night was breath taking as well.  I did it simply because...

Last night the moon was so unbelievably bright that the sky itself looked dark and void of even stars.  It was nice to know that, even though at this moment in time with neither of my kiddo's even close to home, we were under the same bright moon.  Basking in its glory.

The week has been insane, running all over, in and out of different trainings, struggling to keep everything in balance while not pushing my slowly returning health.  It's been insane.

The rain this week has the grass inches higher than it should be, the ground soggy and mushy.  At one point during the week AT&T took the liberty of completely tearing up chunks of my front yard yet again.  I guess I will need to call them, because they sure didn't bother to put in any grass seed or sod to repair the massive damage they have done. I am not sure why I am even worried or concerned.  It seems every two years they come in and destroy the work we've put into repairing the previous damage.  No warning, just appear and dig up the yard, put up bright orange fencing, do their work, and haphazardly put the yard back together.  It's normal. Mowing today, is going to be an unpleasant chore.

With the sun bright in the sky yesterday, Hubby took me out for dinner last night.  Of course with the sun shining we couldn't go in the Escape... we took advantage of the beautiful clear sky, the cool temperatures (no I am not complaining about 70's in June - do you think I am crazy?).  When you are riding on the back of the Harley, the best route to any location is never direct.  And we took full advantage of it.

It's really almost a straight shot from our house to one of our favorite restaurants hop on 159 and zip straight down past a few towns and you arrive in Smithton.  It's really just a wide spot in the road, not much bigger than a minute.  And it is one of our favorite spots.  The Smithton Family Restaurant is just off 159, you can't miss it.  And last night was all you could eat walleye.  Well, I evidently can't each much, they serve so much, but it was worth the ride to get there.  When two people can eat dinner, leave full and not have spent $20 including tip... and it was delicious.  Guess you really can't complain.

Leaving dinner, Hubby decided to take me exploring through the farm land surrounding the Kaskaskia River.  As we came up on the bridge over it, despite on-going repairs, it was beautiful The area is rather suppressed economically.  That beautiful meandering river runs to and fro and often wreaks havoc as it does.  It often floods, sometimes miles of farm land end up submerged.  The blessing following those floods is that deep rich soil.

As we were riding along the smell was so refreshing.  That powerful, earthy scent that comes from rich, dark soil, full of nutrients.  I wanted to get off the bike and dig my fingers into it.  The urge to garden bubbling up from somewhere deep inside my soul.

The farm lands were so wonderful as we zipped past at a whopping 45 mph.  We are "put, putters".  Many other bikes blew past us, hurry to get to the next place.  Missing the beauty that surrounds them.  The fields of amber grains waving gently as we passed, made it very easy to understand the inspiration of Katherine Lee Bates to write what became the song America the Beautiful.  Tucked in around rolling hills filled with corn stalks and soy beans, all in various stages of growth.

At one point we drove past a field that was freshly mowed.  I don't know what was mowed, but the sweet, fresh scent whipped me back in time and place to Erie.  I always connect that sweet smell to home.  I loved the smell after Papa would finish mowing.  It means home, it means family, it means love.  I was so thankful for finding it last night.

Those few hours between dinner and sunset were perfect, there has been so much lately, almost too much.  Both of us have been stressed, the rain has prevented rides, and we have been trying to do simply too much.  That ride was not only welcome, but needed.  The gifts we found along the way were priceless.

Today will be another busy one.  The girls are coming over for a bit - they have to work tomorrow so are going to visit with Pops today for Father's Day.  We are packing, as we should get our keys on Wednesday.  And tonight Hubby is finally going to get to enjoy his birthday present.

I bought him tickets to see A Prairie Home Companion. We will stop and have dinner before we go, and after 40 years of listening in on the radio, he is actually going to see Garrison Keillor live. He was listening to NPR this morning and heard them announce that it is sold out and better yet that they will live on air during the show.  I would say he is pretty excited.  Mr. Keillor is into his 70's and has tried to retire several times, so this could be his last chance to go.  I think it is probably the best birthday present I have ever given him.  I am thankful to be able to.

So tonight as we visit Lake Wobegon and marvel at Guy Noir misadventures, Hubby's smile is what I am going to be watching for... He needs this, I need this... we both need a small break from reality... tomorrow it can come back.

Sometimes... life sucks!

Darn horoscope assured me that the blahs would be leaving today... that the clouds were going to clear... blah, blah, blah... if you can't trust your horoscope, what can you trust in this day and age?

I am still fighting with whatever this crud is, and frankly it is starting to wear me out.  I called my doctor's office today and I simply thought the receptionist was going to faint.  I haven't been to see them this much since I partially tore my Achilles tendon.  I don't like, nor do I as a general rule trust doctors.  But frankly none of the stuff that usually keeps me quite healthy despite having Fibro is working, so... and that darn horoscope... well evidently it lies too.

I can't believe the timing of all of this either.  There is simply so much going on, too much probably.  At home we are trying to move, at work - well there we may as well be.  We are updating and changing two major systems, and I play in both of them.  And trying to be a strong team player when all you can think about is laying your head on your pillow is not working very well.  I sure feel like I am letting so many people down.  And that is something I hate.

Then I came home tonight to a sick kitty.  He's the baby of the kitty family, not quite 12 yet.  I am sitting here with his sister kitty, they have the same mommy - she's just older by six months, watching him rest.  I didn't make it home and find him sick until after the vet closed.  And since he's just resting and doesn't seem to be in distress I am taking him to the vet when they open at 730 am.  I am so worried about my little boy.

I simply hate, and that is probably too tame of a word, the Emergency Vet Center.  I do not know a single person that has ever left there with a pet alive.  Me, my daughter, friends... NO ONE! Every time I have gone there I have left with a huge bill and an urn.  I can't even drive past the street it's on.  Yes, I understand that it is just the law of averages, or whatever else you might want to call it.  But frankly, if I can avoid it, I am.

I don't like people emergency rooms any better if that make it seem less cynical.  I get the premise, but too many times the emergency room doctors have missed something critical.  They have to be specialists in too many things just to make it through their shifts.  I am not blaming them, I am simply stating a fact.  They are brave, caring souls.  The sheer volume of work is inhumane.

Gee, hard to believe that I am really not in a bad mood isn't it?  I am just tired of feeling so beat up. I miss having energy, I miss not coughing.  Its been six weeks now, that's far too long.

Tomorrow I am going to take myself to the people doctor, maybe I can finally get something that is going to make this crud leave.  I am also going to take the kitty to the kitty doctor, and hopefully they can find something to make him feel better too.

This has not been a great day... it's been ugly and sluggish.  But the storm clouds are supposed to pass tonight... I can only pray right now.

Update... well today has pretty much sucked.  I wrote this last night, but didn't have the energy to post it.

Our little boy kitty is at the vet fighting for his life. If he makes it through the night he stands a great chance of being okay.  It was so hard to leave him there, shattered my heart.  Almost as badly as it shattered my heart to tell my son his condition. I am praying, it's all I can do.  The vet said there is nothing I could have done, nothing I could have changed or done different.  That doesn't make it better.

The day has sucked.  I only have 11 more hours until I can check on him.  11 LONG hours.  I would appreciate as many prayers as possible.

The trip to the people doctor was only marginally better... now they have decided I don't have bronchitis, because in six weeks we have treated me for a bacterial infection (hello antibiotics), bronchitis (hello steroids, cough medicine and inhalers), allergies (hello Allegra and Sudafed) and nothing has helped.  I have not gotten the least bit better, most annoying and irritating.

Today they decided I have Whooping Cough - seriously didn't know that was still an issue in the world today.  Guess I assumed vaccinated as a kid was all you need. Evidently wrong.  Loved the statement that it could take months to go away... WHAT?

Baby kitty fighting for his life, a doctor telling me that I was going to take even more medicines, including one to help with the pain from all the medicines.... Today has sucked...

I need to simply take it to God...

Overloading... downloading...

Interesting sounds are bouncing around outside.  I am trying so hard to get motivated to do something, anything really!

Flower's from Hubby...

I am sitting here listening to the birds compete with the cars racing past.  Looking around my house, making a list in my head of all the things I need to do. I am afraid to commit that list to paper, because sadly, I am afraid it will scare me to death.  Heck, lately just the list of things I would like to do scares me to death.

I am fairly positive I am not planting a garden this year.  Too tired.  My fibro is conspiring with life to make energy not something I have in abundance.  I seem to use all my energy in the simple act of working and getting through each day.

There has been a lot of negative thoughts in my head lately, and I am really struggling to push them out, to focus on the good and the positive.  But sometimes when feelings get hurt and hearts get involved it isn't so easy.  I am fairly certain that is the cause of the flares.  Stress is my mortal enemy.

And sadly there has been a lot of stress and ugly lately.  And I am not really sure how to process it.  The past week was tough. One day even found me close to tears all day.  It was frustrating.  I am a happy person.  I love life, and I usually do not want to run from it all.

I am slowly coming around this time.  I can feel it.  I don't feel as angry, as hopeless and helpless.  I still feel hurt and disappointed though. I am also sure some of it has to do with this "cold" (yeah lets call it that) that I have been struggling with for over 3 weeks now.  Sooner or later I will break down and head to a doctors office (can you tell I deem that an acceptable solution?  NOT).  But mostly, it is things that I cannot control or impact and it is wearing me down.

Losing myself in things I love helps.  Yesterday, I was not thrilled about being at work all day.  Seriously, who is thrilled by working 6 days in one week.  I have long ago accepted it, but it wasn't making me smile to be inside when the sun was shining (too cold to be out though) and I could have been home with my hubby and boys.  And then it happened... it was time for the quilting class that I was teaching.

Initially I was concerned over having three young girls in the class, as well as three adults.  I was worried, that the project was going to be too hard, that they would not understand the basics well enough to be successful.  I was worried that my current mental state was not going to allow me to be successful as their teacher.

I shouldn't have worried.  It was hectic and a bit frazzled around the edges at first.  The first hour was brutal!  The excitement and the energy was palpable.  Suddenly like a switch had been turned it all stopped and started to flow.  I could feel the energy level shift, the excitement started to be contained.  And as 5 potholders came to be, you could feel the pride and success!  I felt sorry for mama, she helped me with those three young girls and wasn't able to make one herself.

I need that flow a little more consistently. 

When friends, family and even strangers let me down and hurt me, I need to look past it.  I know we are all human and that we do things occasionally that cause hurt and distrust.  Sometime it might not be an accident, but an unwillingness to treat people as we ourselves want to be treated.  I am sure I do that to others from time to time without realizing it.  None of us are perfect.

I am still feeling a little conflicted and stressed.  I am still feeling a need for a shift inside.  I still want to run and hide.  But slowly the lens is clearing.  It feels like I am standing on the precipice, waiting for the sun to whisk away the fog.  So that I can see my way to safer grounds.  I am still being cautious and watchful.  These are not normal actions for me.

As I stand frozen in time, watching, waiting and trying to find my way forward.  I am also reevaluating, and measuring value of people and things in my life.  It's a turning point.  I know there are many things that will change as we move forward with life.  I know that I have several rocks to cling to the Hubby and the B's... my eldest and my youngest, and a few unnamed. And as for the rest... well God knows best.

Peony from my sweet neighbor... who never lets me miss the beauty as it arrives!

I should clean my house, I should iron clothes, I should sweep and mop and mow the grass.  I think what I will do instead is see if Hubby wants to head to a Renaissance Fair.  Lose myself in the past to find my path forward into the future...

This relationship isn't working out...

Dear 2014...

I fear that this relationship is off to a very rocky start.  In fact, at this point I simply don't know if I have the will or desire to see it through for another 11 months.

Frankly, I don't feel that you are holding up your end of the bargain!  After a very peaceful and calm start, you have been very trying and challenging for weeks.  You are unrelenting and it's all take, take, take.

I do believe we need to re-evaluate where this relationship is going...

The beautiful, calming "great snow" was beautiful for a minute.  But 13 inches of white fluffy beauty sure made for a rough week.  And we won't even talk about the stress that caused while my children traveled across country in it.

Then just when I thought that maybe your initial tantrum was over and we could go back to the casual dating and getting to know one another in a calmer more rational way.  You decided to test me once again.

A flood through my beautiful building is not a great welcoming gift for a new year.  In fact it is probably one of the lamest I have ever received.

Nine days of battling that beast, a clearing on the horizon, a day to rest my seriously tired body, muscles and mind... Because new challenges await today... and yet another lousy gift.

I am not an ungrateful person, I am not a glass half empty kind of gal, but seriously? Did you not think I was over the top of what I could handle?

Luckily Hubs will be okay, but the next few days are gonna suck!  Thanks again. 

So... 2014... I hate to say this, but I really feel you need to up your game.  I have met all your challenges and tests, I have proven to you that I am strong enough to take what you give to me and meet your challenges.  So I have to ask when are you going to uphold your end of this relationship?  It absolutely cannot be take, take, take...

Sincerely,

a very worn out and tired me...

p.s. because of your non-stop tantrums I still have a Christmas tree to take down... uncool...

Welcome to my Snowglobe!

Sorry to have been away so long...

This is one tired elf, hard to believe it is only three days past Christmas! I have been crazy busy for weeks.  Some of it for me, some of it for others, a lot of it self-inflicted by my inability to ever say no.  I love to help others be able to make smiles happen.  Absolutely love it! Two days before Christmas my hands were seriously starting to talk to me. 

I have been to far too many memorial services and wakes in the past few weeks.  Celebrated lives lived fully, and mourned those gone far too soon. I've said so many prayers for those that are near and dear to me, and for complete strangers struggling  with losses and health problems this past holiday season.

I have savored moments with my family that will never come again.  Laughed at the insanity, enjoyed the chaos.  Snatched quiet moments with hubby to sneak out for a random motorcycle ride when the temperature has reached an unseasonable high, and snuggled on the couch with hubby and son watching movies and sipping gluwein when the snows were swirling and leaving us a beautiful winter scene to enjoy.

I never did finish decorating, somehow it didn't seem that important, in the hustle and bustle of insanity, the time with hubby, son and the girls when they could fit us in seemed far more important.  The tree, the Christmas village (so important) and a few odds and ends were all that managed to be unpacked this year.  Maybe next year...

Grand baby hosted an amazing Christmas Party with a special guest!

One last hug before Santa heads back North

Can't skip a hug from the big girl either!

So many hours were spent creating and working with hubby (my fellow elf) to create memories to keep.  No silly gifts for gifts sake, but things that were truly wanted, needed and valuable.  He created memory quilts for the two youngest... amazingly they seemed to love them!  Considering the fact that we have never given them a gift they used/took home, much less something they treasured, WOW!  That is pretty much all there is to say about that.   Hubby's skill has really improved and they turned out beautifully!  I hope they realize the love that went into them.

The smile says it all!

Great job Daddy!

Just before Christmas news arrived that will change out lives... As it simmers and brews we are learning to adjust to the change.  It is fantastic news, just not mine to share.  It is going to be hard, yet so wonderful!  I am still adjusting to that, and as it comes full circle I will share.

Yesterday I finally knit the final stitches on a gift for my oldest, blocking and a button and she will have it.  I had planned it to be finished Christmas Eve, but instead of going with my gut I followed the directions (okay that is something I never do!) and ended up not having enough yarn.  I had accepted a few last minute projects to help others out and ended up not starting it until last... It's okay, I know she will love it just the same.   And it will make her smile! Although I am already making some "policy" changes for next year... because I don't mind doing good for others, my family won't be last again.

Searching for the perfect Christmas Eve gift to open!

Christmas morning...

Wrapping paper coma... hey that blankie looks familiar

I'm a Christmas present too!  And I think I need more of those edible ones!

Hey Big Brother... wanna share this cozy blanket that you snatched from Mom??

After much unwrapping... what the?  Hey, wait this is SOOOOOOOO cool!!

Baby Bubby did AWESOME!!  I didn't think anyone was going to get me footie jammies!!!

Christmas Day at my girls house surrounded by family and friends put the bow on the quiet Christmas Eve and Morning we had spend just the three of us.  All together a wondrous and blessed day!

Hubby and his big girls

Yep... family together...

Great job Mama!

she slaved for hours over that turkey

Surrounded by treasures and treats

After dinner calm in front of a roaring fire, my babies unwind...

Yesterday afternoon, the whirlwind started to slow down, it should have been morning, but had a few issues at work that absorbed a full 6 hours of my vacation.  Talk about making me a grouch!  Sadly it was stupid stuff.  A couple of hours on the back of the motorcycle enjoying the odd warming definitely cleared that up. 

The snow in my snow globe is slowly drifting down to the bottom, there is a stillness that has been missing.  I stood outside this morning with my old dog (the one that makes my heart soar and who's winter slow down makes me hold my breath) looking up into the pure beauty of a cold winter sky.  Crisp, clear, with the sharp crystal pinpoints from the stars.  Feeling that it was time to start typing again, no pressing projects on the needles, no sharp deadlines nipping at my heels... just simple peaceful beauty.  A chance to wake up and start the day anew.

Hubby and I are getting ready to head out in a few hours, the temperatures will be warm enough to ride again today, so ride we will.  We're going to pack a picnic lunch in the saddlebags and head up the Great River Road... maybe we will be able to find a few Bald Eagles that have made an early return to Alton and Grafton or soaring high above Pere Marquette Park.  Tomorrow the bitter cold is planning to return, so we need to steal a few hours today.  Tonight will be a family dinner with us and the boy, curled up warm watching another episode or two of Sherlock Holmes... 

Welcome back... I'm so glad for the calming...