I can't...

The sunrise...

As I was busy fixing Hub's breakfast muffins yesterday this was my view.  He was sleeping in.  For him to be sleeping so soundly, I knew he was exhausted.  In a few moments the house would fill with the warmth of cinnamon and ginger, it would wake him.

Yet standing there finishing up I glanced out the window, it faces due east and the views are always so calming and beautiful.  The sunrise was breathtaking. A true promise that we woke up yet again and we are given another chance to be the wonderful humans that we are.

Watching the sunset last night was just as amazing. As was the beautiful night sky that followed.

Wednesday was by far the hardest day I have ever experienced at work. In my entire life.  I had to tell the majority of my incredible Y family that they were being temporarily laid off.  Yes, most will get unemployment, but it doesn't make up for that sense of loss.  Their pride took the hit, their sense of worth. Each of them is very valued and loved. It was devastating.

I was an emotional mess.  My heart was shattering with each conversation.  The harder part is that I had to do most of it over the phone.  This social distancing is horrible. I could hear the silence, I couldn't see if there were questions I needed to answer, support that I was not able to offer. It was wrenching.

Yesterday was a tad easier.  I was able to speak to all of my team at some point.  Things are not great, but they are, I am so blessed to have them all in my life.

I am thankful that this week is almost over.  I need a few days to stop.  To unplug and to simply be.  To allow my heart and spirit a chance to breath.

I have allowed so much negativity lately to enter my space.  I am finding myself snoozing people on social media, refusing to make myself available for the naysayers and doomsday bell ringers.  I am also finding myself refusing to further engage with those that are self centered and refuse to see past that.

I firmly believe in free speech.  In each of us having the ability to voice where we are and what our personal thoughts and beliefs are.  And I will celebrate you and your beliefs.  Yet, I am finding myself putting up emotional walls to people that refuse to be fluid and refuse to be part of any solution because it doesn't work for them.

I have to admit, I am not loving having so many freedoms taken away.  I am not loving having to look around me and make sure that people are distant from me.  In fact, I'm hating it pretty hard.  I am a hugger, I cherish being able to offer comfort in times of distress, I will share my energy with anyone that truly needs it.  So some of this is very difficult for me.

Flip side of that, I am definitely an introvert and enjoy my own private space.  I find sheer joy in my mediation time, in creating, in simply being.

And I am realizing I need to find more time to meditate and be okay with people that lack concern for others. I keep seeing the meme's about not bringing your entire family on your shopping trip.  I will tell you I was terrified the other day when I did venture out to pick up scripts at the sheer number of people that are bringing their entire families shopping.  Their kids are running around the stores, babies are mouthing the handles of the carts - even if it doesn't have the virus on it, I am sickened to thing of how much sanitizer has been applied to it.

As one of those folks that is still working I can tell you I feel very blessed.  I come into contact with very few people.  I am not excited for when I have to.  I remember case number 1 here in the county I live in... it was only a few weeks ago, March 9th to be exact.  I remember the outrage because the family members of patient number 1 attended a school event.  How selfish, how self-entitled.  They were horrible people.  I mean come on it made national news.

Fast forward to April 3, not even a month later, in the county alone there are 663 cases and so far 6 deaths. It isn't that this virus is killing at a rampant rate, but it is spreading pretty darn fast.  What it is doing is stopping people from working (no for most of them it is not a paid holiday), it will overwhelm medical facilities (how many other important medical issues are not being dealt with properly?), it is showing us the very selfish side of many. 

Sorry, this might not be an accurate view, but from my seat, it is my view.  Because of thought processes like, it won't happen to me, it's an old people problem (actually - I'm not old and in the county I live in my age group is at the highest risk), I'm not 6 - don't tell me what to do, if we are all feet apart it won't make me sick, I don't want to ask for help... I truly could go on.

They are closing our parks this weekend.  How sad is that.  They have to close public parks.  Why, because even though there is yellow caution tape around the playground equipment, families are still taking their children to play on it.  They are all sitting around socializing while their children are playing together.  They are not staying home.

Evidently, now that there are more cases and more people potentially exposed it's no longer terrible for them to be out in the general population?  It's no longer a national media event to potentially expose other people? How is this behavior any less callus and self centered than the Daddy/Daughter Dance?  Or the trips to have coffee before they knew?

So many people are being hurt by this selfish mentality.  Maybe they aren't getting sick, maybe they never will.  I pray that is the case.

The people that are out there working to allow us access to essentials, guess what, most of them would rather be home safe with their families too.  Everyday I hear of another grocery, food, medical, emergency service, essential employee becoming ill.

I am disengaging from the people that are in sheltered areas feeling they are the only ones being inconvenienced and harmed by this hot mess that is not just our country - it's the whole darn planet.  All across the globe people are hurting, people are losing their livelihoods, family members are dying (not just from Covid 19) that are dying alone and cannot have funerals. 

If you are blessed to stay home.  Well stay home.  If you need groceries or essential supplies - there are many folks willing to help so that you can be home and safe.  That you can protect your precious babies - even if you are a single parent.

I am meditating and praying that at some point we can come together for the greater good.  So that we can stop passing this crap around, so that people can go back to work, so that they can do so many of the things that for a brief moment they can't.

We as a species should be doing better. 

Sorry if this is a rant.  Frankly, I am tired of biting my tongue and allowing people to snap at me and other's virtually.  People that are going out for essential jobs each day deserve a bit more respect.

I'm going to try and go find the beauty and joy in this day.  I am going to reach out to people that are hurting and see if I can find a way to make it better.  I really wish we all would.  I am tired of hearing the negative.  It's harming us more than the illness.  It would be incredible if everyone took a moment to find something good that they could do for the good of others, every single day. 

Can you imagine that beauty?

slow...

slow...

That single word has been stuck in my consciousness for almost a month now.  It pops up when I'm walking, meditating, awakening or simply sitting.  It has felt large and powerful.  It has demanded attention.  I have felt drawn to blog about it for weeks, but the rest of the words were not yet ready to be there.

When I write it is usually because something is drawing me to it.  Things feel like they have to escape my mind and become real.  I don't know a better way to describe it. It has only been in the past few days that the thoughts have started to come together.

Scary words are flying around pandemic, panic, coronavirus, COVID 19, self-quarantine, and even death.  I am still struggling a bit with it all.  Not from the reality of it existing.  I have no doubt about it.  There are new viruses coming into being all the time.  We live in a world that is full of other bacteria and germs.  I am struggling with what appears to me to be the greater virus.

Humanity.

At least where we are right now.

We are greedy, self-centered, our ego is greater than our compassion. At least that is how it appears.

It's been a crazy busy week.  I worked long days, over 12 hours a day, all but one day.  I even worked yesterday and will again today.  I will admit to being tired.  All of it was good stuff, but exhausting none the less.  The day I was going to call it quits early and actually buy some groceries for my seriously empty home, things started spiraling out of control and I ended up working even later.

In my personal bubble I was dealing with the impact of this virus and paying little attention to the insanity it was brewing. I am calling it a temporary insanity, because the fear is causing normally sane people to behave in manners that are mind numbing.

When I finally left work yesterday, after explaining to numerous people the reason we could not honor this or that was for their personal safety. Being yelled at and cussed out because I could not allow baby showers and group gatherings, I will admit to being very mentally exhausted.

I am a strong person.  I can take a great deal.  My default personality type is that of an extreme optimist... yet I can only absorb so much negativity and pessimism. By noon yesterday I was tapped out. All of the great conversations I had been having with peers and friends on how to make a great impact during this time of upheaval were squashed aside that's for sure.

Emotionally tapped out, starving (I hadn't been excited about the oatmeal sweet Hubs had made for breakfast as I was out of fruit and nuts to put in it - so I ate very little), and basically just weary of the fear that was invading our world... I was ready for a lunch date with Hubs.  A chance to unplug and process.

Lunch was incredible, I had so much fun simply chatting in the dim light enjoying each other's company.  Briefly glancing at my phone as I knew there was a conference call going on at that moment that could have implications.  I was ready to bounce back into work mode if need be. It was towards the end of lunch that Hubs got a call from work.

We work for the same place, just in different areas.  I take care of people directly, he takes care of the facilities and supplies. We'd been planning our grocery shopping for the week (no we did not need toilet paper) and various other items that were on our usual weekly to-do list. So we knew we'd be going out.  His call was a request to search for some items that were needed and in short supply.

I figured we could complete our weekly stuff at the same time.  I was woefully unprepared for what I witnessed at the stores we were shopping in. I was saddened. I watched people walking to their cars with carts full of toilet paper and paper towels (I can list several more sustainable ways... but no judgement), once inside the grocery stores and even Wal-Mart (yep still not my favorite place - but we were leaving no stone unturned) the shelves were bare.  I mean completely bare.

The hordes of locusts in the Bible could not have cleaned those shelves better.  I was in search of ingredients to make vegan corned veef, in whose world is vital wheat gluten something you should horde? If it was boxed or canned it did not exist.I couldn't buy a box of pasta... FYI, you can make that yourself... guess I will be. The crazed behavior was something you could feel.

We never found what Hubs was in search of.  Going to one of my favorite stores we found shelves over flowing with goodness, all the items on our list (although they removed the fresh oatmeal press and the guy working the bakery was awfully snarly that he had to slice my bread - they are the ones that removed the machine - not me), and it was calm.  I will continue to be willing to pay a bit more for that kind of sanctuary.  Sweet Hubs asked a lady if they had what he was looking for, they didn't.  But she immediately started to pray that we could find it and use it for comfort and protection.

Back to slow...

Through all the insanity of yesterday afternoon, which is really difficult for a highly sensitive person by the way, I still kept hearing the word slow. It was becoming a louder, more insistent SLOW.

There was no medication left on shelves, very few food items, and lets not talk about toilet paper. People were frantic.

There are only a few confirmed cases of COVID 19 in our entire area. Panic is ruling.

My heart, my meditations, and my very being are telling me not to worry.  They are telling me this is something that has been needed.  Not from a cleansing sense, I want no one ill or to die.  But from a reset sense.

So many times in recent years I have longed for the simplicity that has slowly slipped away.  The other morning I took Neeko for his morning walk.  I was cranky and not wanting to be bothered so I left my phone at home.  We walked for about 30 wondrous minutes. He's 15, I didn't rush him one bit.  We savored the beauty of the day, we listened to birds and he considered chasing a few.  During that entire walk the only thing that kept going through my thoughts was how wonderful it felt. A sense of loss for an entire generation or two that don't remember or know the beauty of silence.  Of walking along and listening to the birds on an early spring morning and genuinely hearing them.  The complete disconnection and oneness.

Is it possible that this virus slowing us down is giving us a chance to reset.  To not be so hurried and rushed.  Families are being forced to spend time together, not rushing to and from activities and events.  Schools across the river are closed, people are cancelling vacations and staying home.

I am worried about the financial impact, to all of us.  I worry about our seniors.  I worry that the hording mentality will cause someone to need that cold medicine to treat this virus and it won't be available.  I worry that we will continue to be trapped in our bubbles of self importance while others suffer. I worry that my sweet Hubs and mom - who are in the age bracket that is most vulnerable could get sick. I worry about my son, he's so far away.  I worry about my daughter and her kids.

I could give into the worry.  I am choosing not to. I woke up this morning, did my energy exercises and mediation.  The words were finally starting to gel so here I am.

Slow down.  The heavens have been sending the message for a while now.  It's okay to sit quietly, to not leave your home for rush about stuff for a day or two. It's okay to savor your coffee, go for long walks with loved ones in the sunshine, sit outside or read a book. It's okay to create something, learn a skill, or finish a project that has been tucked away in the business of rushing about. It's okay to enjoy the sunrises and the sunsets. It's okay to take a breath, to just be.

Instead of focusing on the insanity this is causing.  The panic and fear.  Maybe, just maybe, we slow.

We call friends and check on neighbors.  We share some of that horded toilet paper with that family that didn't get any.  Write some letters, send some emails, we are no longer an isolated society unless we refuse to reach out that helping hand.

My heart has so been lifted by the good.  The singing in Italy, my cousin in Germany sharing how they are supporting one another, restaurants offering free lunches to children that count on that daily school lunch to feed them (the delivery method might need work... but hey), the posts on Facebook and Nextdoor offering to go and get groceries (I now know those are brave souls) and supplies for neighbors that might be in the vulnerable groups.

I feel the universe is telling us that it is okay to slow down. It's not just okay, it is needed.  We are human beings, not human doings.  And there is not a shortage of anything, at least not a natural shortage.  Greed and fear are creating it.  Turn off your televisions for a while, the media has a place in this world and it is important to stay informed.  But when all you hear is panic and fear from every angle... well... then you start having people crocheting toilet paper...

My sweet Hubs just lit a fire for me.  So I am going to take a few minutes to savor my coffee, rest my weary soul and then it will be time to take our sweet old boy for a nice, long, SLOW walk.

As the age of Aquarius dawns, and we are drawn naturally do to more for others, please find the place in your heart to do so.  Check on others, be willing to do things.

My heart is saying slow down, re-evaluate things, look at what is truly needed and then proceed...

Slow...

Love and light to each of you...

remember when...

18 Years...

I was driving down the sunny, overcrowded street on my way to drop off my car, the USB full of music that Hubs handed me the other day playing loudly.  Deeply engrossed in the joy that comes with owning a convertible on a cool late summer morning, I didn't notice the first notes of the song that had started. 

Then it hit me, I hadn't listened to that collection of music in a long time, so I wasn't fully aware as Alan Jackson started singing "where were you when the world stopped turning on that September day..."

Suddenly 18 years disappeared.  Instantly I was transported back in time, to a place half way around the world. 18 years ago, I had just gotten home from work.  I was using instant messenger to talk to my mom back in the States, my sweet little boy was engrossed in his after school cartoons, my ex was kicked back in his recliner enjoying his annual early September vacation (football season had started) and our girl was over at her friends house, across the street. 

It was a normal day, half way around the world from where it all stopped. 

My little guy was just 10 at the time, he whirled around and looked at me.  The anger was written all over his face.  He'd waited all day to watch his shows, even gotten his homework done quickly so that he could "relax".  I looked at my ex, both of us were in shock at what we were watching on CNN - the only American news channel we had at the time.  They had cut in, breaking news, the first tower already burning we watched in horror as the plane hit the second tower. 

I quickly typed to mom that I had to go, that the towers had just been attacked.  Being a military family I think we understood quicker than others had.  I knew it would impact us greatly.  We lived in a foreign country, on a military base, within walking distance of a major international airport. I needed to get both of my babies with me.  I was frantically calling my daughter home, I understood she was simply across the street, but I wasn't in the mood for her teenage attitude.  I needed her HOME.

As my ex slowly lowered his recliner, we both knew that his vacation was over.  We both understood that soon the phone would ring; that he would be recalled to duty.  We had lived in Germany during Desert Storm, we remembered, he was always mission essential. 

It didn't take us long to process, we were numb, but we understood.  Being military, we also understood that it had to be the work of Osama Bin Laden. It was a name we new, had known, a dangerous man.

As the gates surrounding us locked we were cut off from the outside world, schools were cancelled, Threat Con Delta was implemented.  We both did our jobs as parents and employees. 

I remember feeling thankful that the pantry was stocked, that if needed we would be able to share with neighbors that hadn't had time to go to the main base and were now reliant on a very small shoppette with limited supplies.  We had no idea how long it would last, none of us had any answers. 

There is a picture that is burned into my brain.  One my ex took the day after.  I haven't seen it in years, I don't even know if I have a copy of it.  I don't need one. It lives forever in my heart and mind.  As he went about his duties the following morning, it was raining.  We were confined to our small housing area.  It was eerily quiet, as most traffic had stopped - there was nowhere to go.  The planes were all grounded.  The only sound was rain and soft voices speaking is hushed, stunned tones.  We were all walking on eggshells.  There was no where we could go.  Armed police keeping us safe were everywhere protecting us from an unknown and unseen threat. 

The picture was a single rose, wrapped in plastic, wedged in the back gate and the chains that were enforcing the regular lock.  A kind German had put it there.  A symbol of sympathy and solidarity. It was drenched from the pouring rain.  He'd done it in black and white. It was how the world felt for us.

I don't understand how that day and the days that followed felt for people in the States.  I watched the cycling news in horror.  I don't know how quickly life returned to "normal" in the US, I know that when I left Germany almost a full year later, life hadn't returned completely to normal.  It was a long while before we stopped living in threat con Delta.  Before we went back to threat con Charlie.  Freedom hadn't really returned the way we had treasured it before. 

I spent many nights working the USO so that troops passing through could call their families back home.  Making coffee and providing a safe place.  This was after a day spent working to keep our kids safe.  I spend countless hours arranging armed guards for each bus, on each trip between our bases and schools. I stopped having time to plan the fun events that I had done the year before.  It was all about safety.

It was harder for our kids to come and go from the bases and communities as they used to.  No more traipsing through the woods to the closest village for treats and meet ups with friends, our world so far away had forever changed. 

It is hard to realize an entire generation has been born and raised that will never understand the impact of that September day.  So many that are protesting and fighting because of the silos of race, religion, gender, socio-economic issues, etc. will never know the power of being united and one. 

I grew up in a different type of world. I raised my kids in that same world.  The military is different.  There are many things that I encounter on a daily basis now in my fifties that are awkward and uncomfortable, it feels like life is trying to unteach me a lifetime of knowing to simply love my fellow man. I stumble when I get sucked into conversations that include those silo's, it isn't natural for me.  For a moment in time, America was only filled with American's, it felt wonderful.  For a moment in time, we were able to love completely.  It sad it took something so ugly to do it, even sadder that we have forgotten. 

I'm sitting in a car dealership waiting for a ride.  They ran out of rentals. I technically had the last one assigned to me.  The young man on his way to a major job interview was moments behind me; he was going to have to cancel the repair appointment that it took a week to get.  

Maybe it was the day.  Maybe it was the fact that I could wait for a ride - that my sweet Hubs was able to come a get me, get me to my meeting on time.  Maybe it was that I had all of my work with me... I was able to let them give him the rental. 

I don't know. 

What I do know is that one this day in particular, with the words to that song and the memories of all the stories echoing in my mind, it felt good to be able to say please give it to him. It felt like a higher power decided it for me, long before the words left my mouth. 

The chair I'm sitting in is not that uncomfortable, the work I will get done can happen here or at the table in the meeting area I was heading to.  I was able to help make a person's day just a little bit later. In return it made my day just a little bit better. 

I will never forget where I was that day, the change it made in my life and I will always strive to honor the cost.  The innocent lives shattered, the heroes, the first responders, the working dogs, the lives destroyed and forever altered. 

Five years ago yesterday tragedy struck my family.  I remember the love and compassion even strangers gave us.  Maybe if all strive to live like it might be the last moment, love unconditionally, and not be so self-centered we can overcome so much of the negativity and hurt that radiates through our world today. 

So... where were you?

doing...

Exhaustion level today... extreme.

As tired as I was last night my brain would not shut up. No matter what I tried between the non-stop chatter in my mind and the pain in my body from helping a friend, there was no rest last night. In fact I don't feel like less than 5 hours really makes it anything more than a long nap.

Some of the inner turmoil is coming from the fact that I know I am going to have to go and finish someone else's work.  I don't want to spend all my time at work either.  I want my weekends off.  I will have spent a good portion of the past two weekends at work, because the person responsible simply isn't doing it. And honestly I am tired of their lack of performance reflecting on me. So in a bit, I will take my tired body and go put in another day doing someone else's job. I'm not doing it for them.  I'm doing it for my members.  Which makes it marginally better, but then I remember that I am on duty next weekend and I feel exhausted all over again.

I get the new buzz phrase.  I know everyone feels that they need work/life balance.  I'm just wondering when people are going to stop and think for a moment about what their actual contribution is during the "work" portion of the day. Because if everyone was working to capacity, instead of planning the "life" portion, I feel more of us might be able to pull off the balance part.

I guess my exhaustion is leading me to feel a great deal of frustration and almost anger.  I don't live well in with that state of mind.  Probably why I didn't sleep.  I probably should have just gotten up, gone and done the work, and would have slept well. Heaven knows I wouldn't want the person responsible to give up any of their balance.

Ugghhh... I think I am getting old.

I'm truly in a weird space right now.  My world feels... tilted? Off?  I'm not sure what it feels, it just doesn't feel right.

I think I need to get back to a happy place for me.  Hubs and I haven't really had much us time this week.  And what we have had, has centered around meals.  Thank goodness they are healthy. I have to admit that I feel a great sense of personal satisfaction when I see him enjoying one of the meals that I have served.  Of the delight on his face when the "vegan" food actually tastes great!!

This has been a huge transition for him.  I was a vegetarian for a long time, the transition hasn't been so big for me.  I am still trying to change his mindset of "it's a diet" to it's a lifestyle choice.  We will get there.  As long as the end goal is the same, I do not really care.

I think part of my current exhaustion, frustration and pain is that I am trying to put a bit of priority on us, something that hasn't happened in a very long time.  It's hard when other's are selfish.  I want to be a bit selfish where Hubs and I are concerned.  I want the time to further explore our journey together. 

I had planned to attend a class on Shamanism yesterday, but a friend needed us, and I wasn't about to say no.  There will always be time for a class, there will not always be time to support a friend in need.  I might have tricked him a bit, we took him to a vegan restaurant for lunch.  Surprisingly he didn't hate it, I'm not sure he loved it, but he didn't hate it.  Hubs and I enjoyed it.  Of the three we've been to so far, I am going to say this is my least favorite, and I am not sure I will feel drawn to fight the traffic in that area to return.  The other two are tucked out of the way, and a bit of a drive, but definitely worth the trip and the time to find!  Treehouse was good, please don't get me wrong.  But Seedz and Bombay Food Junkies were amazing!

I am finding that my happy place lately is centered around cooking and learning to be healthier. As I'm chopping vegetables, trying all sorts of new ingredients, I find that I cannot wait to serve those dishes.  I'm also toying with investing in a cooking course, sometimes I am a bit of a cheapo.  But I am also aware that all of the cooking classes I took in high school and from my folks, never taught me to cook without animal products or processed oils.  When I get frustrated that my dish doesn't look as beautiful or have the same rich flavors I am wondering if I am simply trying to cook a new way with old skills.

I am still weighing options.  But... I really think I might. 

I spent a bit of time reading last night.  I have had "The Four Agreements" sitting on my nightstand for almost a year.  I never seem to have time, or is it make time, to read it.  Last night, I started. I'm also dabbling in meditation.  Because even though I am hating all the additional work hours, I am also very aware that balance is not about actual time.  It's about taking care of yourself and making sure that you are "whole".  I could have hours to do anything, but if I chose to waste that time, it's on me.

I am going to also start finding my 30 minutes a day to go for a walk. If I can find 30 minutes to fuss about laziness, then I definitely can find 30 minutes to take a long walk.  I need it.

Well, it's time to get ready for the day.  Time to go and do the work that is waiting.  It's the right thing to do.

Then a bit more time for us...

raging...

I've spent several exhausted evenings looking longingly at my computer.  I've written out numerous blogs in my head.  There is much circling around, trapped.  Thoughts that seem to be trying to force their way out.  In my tote there are piles of scrap paper with notes scribbled on them.

Writing is one of the ways that I balance and order my world.  I don't really have a purpose to it, or even a rhyme and reason.  One of my cousins when I first started blogging told me that I needed to find it's purpose if I wanted people to read it, to gravitate towards what I was putting out into the universe.  I didn't do that.  Because it wasn't about a how to, it wasn't tips for life, it's simply thoughts, ideas, and my own willingness to be vulnerable.

What I have found over the years that I have managed to find a moment here and there to jot down my thoughts, hopes, dreams and ideas is that the people that read and respond... they are my tribe.  They are the like minded souls that I needed to find.  Most of them are now very dear friends.  I need their lives to help balance mine.  There is even a deeper connection with family members.

Sitting here watching this raging storm surrounding me, it kind of matches where I have been lately. The whirlwind and storm that is bending trees and creating rivers in the road matches my internal struggles.  The thunder is pounding the very earth with it's sound.

I feel at peace.

Do you ever feel that you give too much of yourself to any cause that has value to you?  Do you find yourself feeling run down and worn because you are determined to make a difference?  I have found those are the people that I gravitate to.  If you are strong influence in my life or one of the people I hold most dear, you are definitely like me.

Which makes me wonder if I am destined to belong to a tribe of worn out, bone weary, coffee slugging givers.  People that struggle with boundaries, correction people that struggle with setting boundaries to protect themselves.

The past ten months have been exhausting.  Emotionally draining and frustrating.  I look around my home and realize that it has been completely neglected as I have been grasping at all the loose threads spinning rapidly around me. I wonder how much of everything in my life has been the victim of this storm.  I feel in many areas I am literally struggling to just survive, it's become a day to day battle.

One that is starting to wear on my health.

I wake up, start dealing with work, walk the boys more dealing with work, eat breakfast (on a good day), get ready, get in the car go to work (where I try desperately to at least get a call into mom - friends - I love you all - but I am truly fraying at the edges).

Work for the next 9 - 12 hours - always intending to leave at a reasonable hour, but getting stuck dealing with the unfinished business that those who feel their work/life balance is far more important than everyone else's, if I am lucky, I get home with enough time to fix and eat dinner before crawling in bed and giving up for another day.

I will fully own that some of this is my own choice.  For me failure has never been an option.  At least not in reference to other people.  I will sacrifice whatever is needed to keep a promise, hold tight to a commitment or obligation.

Yet things that bring me joy and peace, they get brushed aside.  I have so many unfinished projects.  So much of what fills my own bucket is brushed to the ground.  I am simply one person, and I always seem to honor and value the needs of the people that I perceive as being more "important".

The weekends have devolved into a time to catch up on rest, therefore sitting mindlessly and resting body, mind and spirit.  Or a mad rush to complete chores and plan for the coming week ahead.

Lately there have been a few things that are taxing my temper and patience. I have to find a way through it.  Because truthfully, it's exhausting.  I have members of my tribe that are as deep in the thick of things as I am. Deeper.  I'm trying to lift them up and support them, yet I know that I am not succeeding. I need those "selfish" people to stop for a minute and realize the universe simply does not revolve around them, that in order for any of us to get out of this alive it's a team effort.  Maybe if there was less "I" and more "us"... everyone would be in a better place. I'm tired of the mentality that it is a team effort when it benefits me, but not a team effort when it is for everyone.

I am truly tired.

I have nothing left to give myself and therefore nothing left to give others. Many of my tribe are in the same place.  Stay strong dear ones.

The storm is definitely raging...

tuning in...

I'm awake.

Sitting in my sitting room in my favorite blue chair.  Gator has been a barking fool this morning, evidently loving the sound of his own powerful deep voice.  He woke up in puppy mode.  At first I was snarly.  I was exhausted, I didn't sleep well last night and had finally fallen deeply asleep to be woken up.

I was snarly at the noise that stirred me, snarly at my sweet Hubs that hadn't taken him for a walk to allow me to sleep.  I do that for him when he's exhausted and in my initial moments awake that was all I could think of.

I heard a phrase yesterday that I cannot get out of my head.  "We're all tuned into WIFM. What's in it for me."  That is where I was.  I am fairly certain I snarled down the stairs to let Hubs know I was going to walk Gator.  It hadn't entered penetrated my self fogged self yet that there was no way he could hear my sweet bucket mouth talking on the main floor over the show he was engrossed in.

I only semi-listened to him telling me about this incredibly interesting program he found on Netflix.  He was deeply engrossed and hadn't heard Gator.  He was tuned into WIFM also.

As we walked and I listened to the birds and watched my boy bouncing along like he was 2 again I realized that neither of us was really aware of how the other was feeling at that moment in time.  We hadn't done anything to hurt or neglect the other intentionally.  How often do these things happen?  Not just in our relationships, but also in our daily lives.

I always try to look at the other person's perspective.  When I get cut off in traffic or someone is flying along way over the speed limit, I always try to feel that something is distracting them or they are on their way to the hospital. Sometimes I succeed at rationalizing things, sometimes I don't.

Sitting here with hot coffee slowly waking my senses, with my spoiled old puppy boy while he eats breakfast (yes, he requires your attendance while eating), listening to the documentary that has Hubs so engrossed... I'm grateful.

I'm grateful that yet again my old guy woke up.  I know that each day is a gift.  And his energetic bouncing today filled my heart with joy. Playing in the yard and watching him run and bounce is something that is all too rare in our lives now. He and Neeko are extreme seniors and this heat is not their friend.

If he hadn't woken me up I would have missed the beautiful bright red cardinal that I saw today, I have learned the sound of their call and was able to see him way up in the top of the tree.  The sunrise making the sky a brilliant blue backdrop against the deep green of the tree branches and Mr. Cardinal looking like some dropped a splash of the brightest red paint right in the middle.  It had me longing for my camera.

If I hadn't walked them with Hubs I would have missed time spent chatting and catching up, I value my time spent with Hubs.  Even the most mundane conversations have value to me. I love talking about our day, thoughts and feelings.  He's my refuge from this crazy world. He's still hurting, so it's looking like another shot in the back is coming. Yesterday had appeared so promising.

I am grateful for even the things that frustrate me.  Because I have them to be frustrated at.

This week has held some really rough and rocky moments.  None of them were personal, but each one felt incredibly personal.  My faith in humanity has been severely tested this week.  My belief in the basic good in people felt almost shattered.  It tore me down.

A young mom, whom I later learned was the daughter of a woman that works for the Y - a woman I know, was shot and killed in front of her 3 young children.  Because an eighteen year old decided he wanted her car.  He laid in wait.  Stole her life, altered her children's forever, and destroyed his own.  For a CAR?  Guess it never occurred to this young monster to get a job and buy one.  She worked hard for her's.  She was working on raising her babies to have the same work ethic, raising them with love. I wonder who forgot to raise that greedy monster? Would anyone come forward and talk?  That neighborhood is not known for sharing information. "Snitches get stitches".

Another man was shot around the corner from my Y, middle of the day on a busy, crowded business street.  Not in a back alley.  Not in a derelict neighborhood.  Not in some secluded area. Right on the street, a street full of busy restaurants,  a museum, tourists and visitors to our city, in front of several huge financial and legal businesses.  He'll live.  I don't know if they've solved it yet or not.

I listened in absolute anger to a person describe a situation to me that had occurred the night before.  Two brothers got into a tussle, brothers do that.  At the time, no one realized they were brothers, a woman was screeching for someone to protect her baby, to hurt the other child, threatening bodily harm to the other child.  The officer that was restraining said child asked where his mother was, he pointed to the same woman. The restrained child showed them bruises, told them that his other siblings beat him with bats, that his mother not only allowed it, but encouraged it.  That this child was being mentally and physically abused at home.  He'd reached his snapping point.  His very soul was injured.  This young man who was pleading for help was told he had to go home with the very woman he was screaming for his harm and abuse.  It wasn't until he threatened to kill them with the knives that he kept under his mattress that anyone listened.

They slowly learned that the entire family was on medication, and that none of them had had it for quite some time.  It wasn't important to mom.  The police escorted them to the hospital.  Where "mom of the year" summarily dumped her son into the custody of the hospital with a swipe of a pen and drove off, leaving him there, alone.  I learned more of her story yesterday.  I almost threw up. She deserves to be behind bars, her children all removed forever from her life and she needs to be struck barren.  No one should have the ability to destroy lives like that. NO ONE!

I saw two senior men, that had the ability to function as young children, with their caregivers at the store.  I needed a few things for work.  Watching the way they treated them filled me with rage. No one deserves to be belittled and yelled at simply for existing.  Time for a career change.

I heard a man prescribing racism to a young child's actions when an older boy unfamiliar to her took her bike. He stated that the only reason she demanded it back was because he was black.  Even while acknowledging that all of the children in the neighborhood always played together and they literally reflected the rainbow colors of our world.  It never occurred to him that the child simply didn't want an unfamiliar child to take her bike without asking. It was because of his skin color. Hmmm... guess he's never spent time with children.

There were other things.  There were so many other hurtful things bombarding me. This week I wanted to run away. I wanted to find a quiet place to forget about the evil and simply live my life with my Hubs, pups and the kids if they wanted to run away with us.

I was emotionally and mentally tired.

This week the entire city seemed tuned into WIFM and not at all in a good way.

Yet, slowly the world started to remind me that I could have faith in humanity.

A dear friend got the news that her health is on an upswing, she faced a demon she was terrified of and it appears that it's worked! There was news of babies and people that I thought were leaving choosing to stay. A community came together to say no we aren't going allow that young mother's death to be in vain and in 24 hours it went from no suspects to apprehended and held with a one million dollar cash bond. The greater community rallied to support those children a Go Fund Me that was originally set with a $50,000 goal and had topped it with $150,000 in just 12 hours.

Conversations were had that maybe turned the lens from racism to manners.  I wish all of the terrors had been washed away in that crazy electrically charged lightening and rain storm the other night, but at least a few were. I'll take a few.

WIFM isn't always a bad thing.  Because knowing what people need to feel good is how behaviors and processes are changed.  But when it becomes your only lens, its heart wrenching.

Thank you for taking a moment to read while I have sorted through this overwhelming week.  I think I am going to spend this day decompressing, enjoying time with Hubs and the boys, checking in on my babies and getting ready for Father's Day.  The first without my Dad.

creating... healing...

I'm exhausted. 

I am seriously sitting here thinking about a nap.  My boys are both snoring in rhythm, and it is making my already heavy eyes even heavier. 

I am fairly sure I had a short night.  I don't really remember falling asleep, but I do remember it was well after 10 pm when we got home. I know that the sun was blazing through the window at 6 ish this morning. That equals not nearly enough sleep.

As a result, I am sitting here debating with myself. 

I doubt I will take one, I am one of those people that a nap is never a good thing.  Sure, at the moment it feels like it, but a few hours later as I go to curl up in my nice warm bed for the night, I will realize what a critical error I have made.

Hubs and I have been running errands, doing chores and I have been squeezing in time to create.

As I was packing the bath bombs into the molds, enjoying the sensation of pushing them into the spaces, almost like playing with sand and building castles as a kid, my mind was wandering.

I know that art is not as prevalent in schools these days.  It's a tragic loss if you ask me. I wonder how many schools have shop, home economics and humanities classes in this day and age.  The creating is centering.  It gives a feeling of accomplishment.  I am not sure it is something they can teach to the test on, so therefore, does it exist?  I know there are still music classes, as my grand daughter is in them.  But did the other classes go the way of cursive writing?  Or are they still there?

I would have loved to learn things like soap making in Home Ec, I didn't do so well with sewing class... ask the poor red turtle with his head on upside down.  Oh I made beautiful seams, but simple things like being able to put the head on correctly were lost on me. Truth of the matter, even though I had challenges in that class it wasn't the end of the game for me.

My cooking skills took over a decade to start to develop after hours upon hours of near failures.  All of which we were forced to eat, part of learning they claimed. Now when there is time I use those skills liberally, trying to make things just perfect for Hubs.

Shop class was another experience.  Learning to cut metal - somewhere I am sure that can opener still exists.  And the little nick knack shelf was still in perfect shape until Christmas of this year when I smashed my head into it while decorating the Christmas tree.  It's fixable, I just haven't tackled it yet.  The pain of breaking it after all these years is still to real. I was in 7th grade.  It has survived numerous moves around the world and always been in my room or homes, it's currently in pieces in the basement. I cherish knowing that I have the skill to  rebuild it.

The therapy I am gaining from losing myself in some of the "lost arts" is healing. 

The world still feels damaged and bruised.  Most of the time I don't want to participate.

Yet each time I start working on creating things, I feel a bit stronger, a bit more centered. 

The other night one of the B's and I went and painted.  Three hours of peace and focus.  Oh yeah, and wine. Was it frame worthy?  No not really.  But the concentration and patience drew me away from the things that were eating me alive.

I needed it. Their brushes frustrated me, I really needed mine from home, but it wasn't about perfection.  It was about healing.

So far today I have made bath bombs (I hope they turn out - I am skeptical) and shaving lather (again, I am dubious, but hopeful).  I'm excited to see how both of them have turned out. I bought kits, as I wasn't sure of my desire to purchase a ton of supplies if they were not something I enjoyed doing. If they turn out, I might continue making them in the future.

I have everything I need to make the Brine and Rose Clay soap and the Tea Tree and Charcoal soaps.  I am questioning the molds I got for the one soap, but feel pretty comfortable that I can change those. It won't change the soap, just the shape.  I wanted to get them made today, but the exhaustion made me doubt the wisdom.  I mean after all they both involve lye and being cognizant of my surroundings is a much wiser step.

Hubs and I started to install his birthday present.  Evidently, 66 is the year of porcelain.  Since we moved into the house the toilet in the man cave has wobbled, but we didn't know wh y.  Now we know.  They lowered the floor putting in the new laminate flooring.  The toilet cannot sit flush, as we pulled it up we discovered it was balanced on a few pieces of metal and a lot of caulk. We'd been toying with changing the flooring down there.  Something a bit nicer.  It appears we will be needing to do it after all, unless we want the new toilet to float above the floor also.

Both of us were far too tired to deal with it today, Hubs had work to do and I just didn't have the energy. So we will pick up the flooring next weekend, and spend some time on our hands and knees installing the floor (thankfully it is a small, tiny room) and putting in the toilet. Never a dull time here.

We are both keeping busy.  It helps.  The crafting and creating are helping to create a comfort zone for me.  Maybe it's the act of creating something useful?  Keeping my hands busy, keeping my heart calm.  I don't know.  Each tiny bit and piece feels like it is creating a web of strength. I still need it.

waiting...

It's crazy quiet in here. 

My eye glass case snapping shut feels almost obscene. 

Occasionally my cell phone vibrates a silent message, I haven't told anyone that I was arriving early.

I wanted a moment to myself.  In the quiet.

I left the Lou early today. Quick breakfast with Hubs, needed to be sure he was feeling okay before I left.  It was a hard decision to leave him knowing he's hurting so badly.  But it was harder to stay away.

Dad's been in the hospital for a week.  They decided yesterday that they were going to operate. If Grumpy Gus doesn't decide they aren't.  The doc feels pretty okay about the procedure, but told us girls if it was his dad he'd be here before the surgery.

I grabbed a few snacks and drinks, Hubs gassed up my little car and I was ready to head south.

Luckily I had a conference call to make and loose ends to tie up as I drove the first hundred miles or so. I didn't have to be with myself. My thoughts didn't get to shout in my head and worry my heart.

I'm still not sure I want to be alone with myself. The last two hundred miles or so involved music and miles.  I tried to stay out of my thoughts and simply focus on forward.  An hour or so of sleet as I went through the Mark Twain Forest kept me focused for a bit.

Followed by watching ribbons of birds for miles on end.  If Hubs had been with my I probably would have spent time trying to video them.  The ribbons swirled and moved, hundreds of beautiful black birds moving like giant ribbons caught in the breeze.  By then I had cleared Corning and was moving up to Pocahontas.  The flooded rice fields on each side of the road, oddly empty of traffic.  Just a random car, truck or semi.

I still didn't want to be alone with my thoughts.

I still don't.

We've waited on these types of surgeries before.  We are old hats at it.  But as time goes by you feel more fear.  Age has a way of complicating things.  Will and determination to heal also play a role.

I don't know where he is mentally.  I know where I would be.  But I haven't been walking in his shoes.  Is his love of family and life enough? Or is he tired?

In a few minutes the silence will be shattered.  The rest of the family will arrive.  We will all want to spend a few of those precious 60 minutes with him, we're only allowed in two at a time.

I need a few minutes more of peace.

sandbags...

Hot coffee and a beautiful sunrise.

Still doesn't feel like enough to get me motivated to do anything.  I want to get a walk in.  I do.  But my headache from yesterday is still lingering and the cold breeze is not inspiring me to slough off the exhaustion this week has brought with it.  

I haven't been sleeping well.  Correction, I've been sleeping fantastic until something makes me wake up and once awake all of those to do lists start popping up in my head.  Home ones, work ones, personal ones... they come flying in, robbing me of sleep.

I feel like I am stealing a few moments of time.  I guess I truly am.  I should be folding laundry, doing more laundry, changing sheets, catching up on the ironing, dusting (I'm am thinking of labeling all surfaces a science project with a do not disturb the dust signage), finishing pulling that darn English Ivy and putting out my beauty bark, moping floors, vacuuming (haven't seen that thing in weeks)... that list currently feels as overwhelming as the one for work.

I'm not complaining.  I'm sorting through.  I love my job.  I am so excited about all of the great things that we are doing, the changes, the energy.

I am just feeling a tad caught up in the maelstrom. So many moving parts in all areas of my life.  It's swirling around me. Golf, move, closure, opening, advocacy, staffing, coordinating, new rates, schedules, lists, lists and more lists.

Is it truly possible to be excited and anxious at the same time?  Where does one end and one begin?

So I'm stealing a few minutes.  Not many.  Just enough to enjoy the silence while Hubs and daughter are off on a mission that possibly involves a canoe?  Don't ask.  I've learned it's better that way.

There is no music playing, the house is silent except for the sound of the fountain in the aquarium. The boys are both snoozing and I am pretty sure the cat has once again returned to the upper level (I believe she has claimed it as her own).

In the silence, with the beautiful shadows from the breeze and leaves in the sunlight dancing on the hardwood floors, I am feeling calm.

More in control.

Control is something I have not been feeling a lot of lately.

I missed two of my workouts this past week.  Life, rain, and a headache all decided they were more important.  It's hard to believe that not a week ago I was standing out in the rain helping to bag sand.  Putting other problems and responsibilities on the back burner to help not only the community I live in, but a fellow leader in the Y movement.

Standing in the rain, covered in sand with my fellow Y family, my family and complete strangers I remembered what I missed so much about having time to volunteer. That powerful feeling of doing for others is amazing.

As Valley Park posted pictures of where we had worked so hard for so many hours, with flood waters dancing around the makeshift levees I felt a sense of pride for the efforts and immediate sense of defeat.  It looked from the pictures like it had been a wasted effort.

Slowly I started reading the comments, in fear, I didn't want to see what they said.  I didn't want to know all that was lost.  But in my usual Polly Anna manner, I was hopeful that I would see a silver lining somewhere, some how.

Seems that old adage, it's all a matter of perspective, is very true.  The pictures were taken from a drone hovering overhead.  The reality is that our efforts did make a difference. The homes might have taken a bit of water, but nothing tragic.  The county police department stayed dry. Homes and businesses were not destroyed.  We didn't save them all. Many have a lot of work to do to recover.  But we helped save some.

The Mobil station that we all kept running to for bio breaks and hot coffee appeared to have lost it's battle, but no sandbagging could have protected it.

In the midst of all that chaos, we made a difference.

I'm feeling the same way about the sunrise that is blinding me this morning.  I was so thankful for the rain to stop yesterday.  I love rain, but sometimes you can simply have too much of a good thing.

One storm handled, calm restored.  That is where I am right now.  Tackling one storm at a time and hoping I don't miss anything along the way.

Those endless lists will keep me focused.  I have all my B's, the Hubs and my girl keeping me grounded and sane.  I even started planning this coming weeks workouts. And tomorrow I will prep all the meals for the week.

It's all in the planning.  I guess it's time to fill my own sand bags.  It's time to rally my support system.

i hate snakes...

Ugghhhh... completely lacking in motivation this morning.  Seems an odd statement from someone that has already caught up on emails, composed two letters, walked my dogs, fed my animals, taken care of my
daughter's zoo, watered her seedlings and been out in the snow flurries.

All before my first cup of coffee.  As I am sitting here enjoying it and contemplating breakfast, I know that I should be multi-tasking a bit more.  Frankly, I don't have it in me.  I need to steal a few moments before I climb the stairs to get ready for the day.   I need a few more moments of peace.  Watching the light flicker off of those big fluffy flakes that aren't even thinking about sticking around.  Listening to the water in the aquarium.  And drinking my coffee.

I didn't sleep great last night.  And I am paying for it this morning.  I hate the time change, it really kicks my FMS butt, to be perfectly blunt.  I feel drained and in need of 12 straight hours of sleep, or at least that is what my brain thinks. Between the time change and bad dreams, I don't feel like I closed my eyes at all.

I am pretty sure it was because of the stress at my daughter's house earlier in the evening.

Have I mentioned that I hate snakes?  Because I do.  With an absolute, overwhelming, terror-filled passion. Just thinking about one is enough to make my skin crawl.  I don't need to physically see one.

So... my daughter has a snake.  I can't remember what kind it is.  Frankly, it doesn't matter it is a snake.  We have an agreement.  I will watch her critters while she is on vacations, no worries.  I will NOT under any circumstances deal with that snake.  She needs to insure he has everything he needs when she leaves and as long as he stays contained, we have no problems.

Imagine my dismay when I arrived last night to take care of the "zoo" to find a fairly substantial part of his "nose" sticking out of the mesh covering.  I do believe that he and the mouse, that is supposed to have been his dinner, have been plotting their escape.

My daughter switched his aquarium to give him a bit more space to move around before she left.  He has been pushing at the mesh and has two large sections loose and hanging free.  This isn't going to work for me.

At all!

For now, I have two large sheets of plywood and a 4x4 blocking his progress.  I have no idea how long that will last.  He sure gave me an attitude this morning.  Putting his snubby nose and beady eyes up to the glass and flicking that tongue at me.

Ugghhh...

Tonight on my way home I stopped to take care of the zoo and measure the aquarium.  Needed to get a lid for that stupid thing.  I couldn't take the stress of it's existence any longer. At least he'd retreated to the inside of his rock and I no longer had to see him. Still didn't inspire a warm, fuzzy feeling reaching across that darn aquarium, knowing that he was lurking inside, glaring out in his arrogance.

Quick run up to the pet store to get a lid and I was feeling pretty darn confident that this day had finally gotten better.  Did I mention that this was definitely a high stress, challenge filled day?  Because it was.

Zipping along home, marveling at the utter lack of traffic and thrilled as I was starving having not ended up having time for lunch today, and I'd put off dinner until after I dealt with the snake issue. I was back at her house in record time.  All the while thinking, this daylight savings might not be so bad as it was still light enough to see what I was doing.

A quick check in the aquarium revealed that my nemesis appeared to be sleeping, at any rate he was not out slithering around.  I quickly prepared to swap lids.  Almost breaking into a cold sweat at the very thought of removing that lid.

I did mention that I am terrified of snakes, right?

I quickly pulled the old lid out, and popped the new one on.  And my heart sank!  The only size they had was just a bit too loose, I fussed with the lid locks for a few moments before realizing I had NO idea how to work them and not feeling to comforted by their "security".

No that was not going to do at all.  Thankfully I found the brick with the lid locks and for my peace of mind... I put the 4x4 back on top.

I loathe snakes!

Feeling pretty darn proud of myself, I reinstalled the "red" light and plugged it in.  I proceeded to ignore the demon snake and take care of the bunny.  Carlos is everything that demon is not.  Fuzzy, sweet, adorable, boned...

As I am walking back from the kitchen maybe 5 feet away... the demon snake is causing problems again. Okay, in all fairness I am pretty sure it wasn't him physically, but I am positive his sheer evilness caused it!  Just as I am coming back to the living room, there is a LOUD pop and flames shoot out of the light in 3 directions.  I dropped the water bottle and scurried under the aquarium to unplug the stupid thing.  Have you ever seen an ungraceful 51 year old scurry anywhere?  Thank you Lord that no one was filming it, that would have been a disaster scene!

Seriously?? As black smoke billows up from it, I am rushing to get it out of the house.  I am fairly certain the dog, cats, rabbit, mice (snacks for the snake) and the demon snake were all as terrified as I was.

Calling my daughter... well, unless you want laughed at for all the drama you are dealing with... don't bother. And she didn't have another light anyhow.

Rabbit's water reattached - check.  Living room checked on hands and knees to insure no live embers - check.  Exhausted stressed mommy taking herself out for dinner - check.  I really wanted a margarita, but with the day I'd had... one probably wouldn't have been enough and I didn't want to tempt fate.

So now the sun has set, Hubs should be on his way home, although I am not going to count on it. The demon snake was still in his rock when I went back by looking for my favorite scarf (and just to assure myself that I hadn't truly tried to burn down my daughters house). My boys have had their afternoon loves... and I am getting ready to call it a night.

What a day... Glad she's relaxing in one of the most beautiful places on earth...