Friday, April 10, 2015

Stolen moments...

 Walking the boys this morning before dawn was such a treat!  Sensory overload is probably more accurate. The half moon blazing bright in the early morning, early spring sky.  I love the differences I am observing with walking the boys each morning as opposed to letting them out in a fenced yard.  The beauty I was missing is overwhelming at times.

I can say with utmost confidence that I am a complete fan of three of the seasons.  I don't fare so well with summer, but that is strictly due to health issues, heat is NOT my friend. So the briskness of this morning after three sultry days was well appreciated.

I love living in the mid-west three seasons of the year.  After three days of strong storms, heavy rain, hail and spectacular lightening displays I must admit the clear blue black sky this morning was a welcome sight.  It's early spring in the darkness the sky isn't the rich velvet of winter, it doesn't have that heavy look.  It's softer, moving into a navy, it's like even the heavens are shedding their winter gear.  Well aware that it will still need a coat or jacket handy, but not the heavy parka.  The stars are softer too, they sparkle and twinkle, but they are sharp points of light dancing on velvet.  More like sequins to accent it.

I probably walked a bit slower than needed and let the boys sniff and explore more than I normally would. Even in the chill, it was breathtakingly beautiful.  If hubby had been walking with me I would have included pictures, but my phone doesn't like night shots so well and trying to use a camera walking two big boys, well that's already been proven to be an insane waste of time and energy!

Everywhere I turned silhouetted in  moon glow was the visual evidence that Spring has decided it's her turn. She is tired of waiting for old man Winter to gracefully move aside, she has decided to shove him out the door.  The trees are bursting with flowers and buds.  The lower canopy of trees in the small stretch of woods are showing off.  Sprouting their leaves quickly to take full advantage of the taller giants slowness to blossom. Soaking up all the rays they can before being thrust into shadow by the time late spring arrives.

Then there is the audible part of spring.  As literally hundreds of birds were singing their early morning songs to their mates.  The sing song sounds of so many different breeds making for such a pleasant start to any day. It's quieter now, they've sung the sunshine in and are busy feathering their nests, or searching for food for the mates sitting on their nests.  I am amazed at the sheer number of different breeds of birds in habit our new neighborhood.  I have seen Blue-jays in their brilliant blue, if they aren't just a bit stuck on themselves I don't know what you would call it.  There are beautiful Cardinals, their red stands out starkly in the naked branches of the trees.  They seem to really like my holly tree out front.  Then the Robins, with those beautiful red breasts are nesting in my huge Norfolk Pine, of all places.  I have seen sparrows, barn swallows and so many others that I don't even recognize.

I haven't seen the owls since right before and after Hubby's surgery, but my grandson assures me they are roosting down the hill behind their house.  And the hummingbirds are not ready to make their return, the air is still a bit too cool for them.  I see the giant hawks in the distance and the Canadian Geese appeared to be migrating over the weekend.  Their honking echoing in the early morning silence. "Come on, hurry up" they seemed to be scolding one another.

I love the rebirth, the reawakening.  It seems that is happening in my world as well.  I close tonight so I have this morning of silence to myself.  I can hear the turtle moving rocks around his aquarium, and that is about it. No music, no television, just the occasion chime as the wind blows around my wind chimes.  It's so centering, relaxing.

Last week was good.  This week is amazing!  Hubs is back at work, he was finally released on Monday. He's not at 100%, maybe a bit closer to 70%, but the change in him is dramatic! And being back at a job he loves, helping people and feeling needed has done a world of good for his mental state.  Each day his steps are getting stronger, he can even take a few without his cane (mostly around the house with lots of walls close at hand).  I have watched him remaster stairs, taking them normally up and down instead of one at a time.  And his stride is getting longer each day.  Those baby steps are rapidly becoming a thing of the past. Soon he will be back to normal and my short little legs will be rushing to keep up, once again.

The irony is that as his leg gets stronger, my darn left one is starting to get worse.  Next week we are going to start doing water aerobics, hoping to both gain more strength and flexibility.  I have some incredible instructors on staff and look forward to benefiting from their skill.

It's a time of rebirth... does anyone else feel it?  Am I alone?

Well, there is a kitchen to clean, laundry to be done and a delicious Pasta Fagiole waiting to be made for lunch and dinner.... it's been wonderful visiting with everyone again... be back soon...

Saturday, April 4, 2015

A change will do you good...

And stop...

Sometimes you simply have to.  Sometimes when you stop, absolutely come to a complete stop, you give yourself a chance to reset.  A chance to breath.

A chance.

That's what I have been doing.

I stopped.

A short while ago, probably two weeks ago now, I was at my wits end.  My Hubs was giving up, I could feel it, see it, almost taste it in the air.  The staph infection was beating his butt, his mental state was lower than I have ever seen it, the pain and frustration was wearing him out and beating him down.

I snapped.  I lost my patience and told him to stop, I am fairly sure that I was not nice.  In fact I was probably down right mean.

Truth of it is, I was scared.  I was afraid that I was going to lose my hubby.  And I wasn't going to let that happen.  I can only take so much before I push back.  Before I will fight the devil himself for what I need to make my world whole, to protect my family and loved ones.

Evidently, it was what he needed too.

His feelings got hurt, and then the fighter appeared.

I took this week off.  I needed to bring the balance back to myself, my home, my hubby.  I needed to stop.

Tomorrow is Easter, tomorrow will be my last day off.

Normally... I would be dreading the end.  Feeling off balance, mainly because I would have crammed far too much into my days off.  Trying to be super woman - yeah I'm not...

I actually started this week with a to do list a few miles long.  I was basically going to catch up on a years worth of I didn't get it done's (as just a year ago I had started battling whooping cough) all by myself in one week.

I started the first day pushing myself.  Tired, sore, my FMS screaming at me for being an idiot. I gotta admit I accomplished so much that first day.  I was going strong from 6 am until around 11 pm.  I felt like superwoman.

Then I woke up on Sunday.

Okay sort of woke up on Sunday.  Basically, I was conscious, okay that isn't even remotely true.  I was partially awake for most of the day hating life and napping every minute I got.  My body was screaming, my muscles started a revolt.  It was not a positive start to my vaca.

But I showered, got dressed, got hubby dressed and we went to church.

Frankly, it was like that proverbial "ah ha" moment.  Sunday was the day I stopped.

I decided that the stuff on my list needed to take a back seat to the stuff in my head and heart.  From that minute on, after all the naps on Sunday, Hubs and I have simply relished the week.

We went somewhere each day.  Pushed him a bit harder.  Slowed me down a bit more.  We simply have existed.  Slept when needed, done chores together, worked in the yard together, talked, laughed, walked and ran endless silly errands.  They weren't really errands that needed running so much as they were excuses.

Excuses to get hubby walking, out of the house, and around people.  All the things that are vital to him. Once we heard that the staph infection was 99% gone and had permission to get the shot in his back, we were on a mission.

Each day was easier.  Each day better.

On Wednesday we finally got the shot.  I could see the disappointment, it wasn't instant.  He had put so much faith in it being instant.  I am normally the optimist.  Susie Sunshine, it was tough for me to be the voice of reason, the voice saying what if it doesn't... Trying to temper that faith with reality.

Still his determination was evident.  He started refusing to let me drop him at doors. Forcing himself to tackle the walks.

As he was pushing, I was pulling back.  It was perfect.

Later Wednesday night he sat in the drive way cheering our precious grand baby on as she learned to ride a bike.  Gramma being silly and running on her incredibly sore and slightly damaged knee (yep, I would do it again).

It was the moment.

The reset.

It was almost tangible.  Since then, my excitement to return to work has returned, my passion for making time for my family couldn't be stronger.  I have been making all kinds of changes in life.  Changing things that didn't suit me anymore.  Throwing out the negativity and anger.  Stopped ranting at the world. Stopped it all.

Hubs and I have been using the Nurti-bullet my boss loaned us (in an effort to help me heal my honey), we loved it so much we bought her a replacement - we aren't giving it back.  Both of us are feeling stronger and healthier.  I am tackling my FMS in a more holistic manner.  It's important.

Hubs stopped using his walker, he started using his cane.  He's even taking baby steps without it.  Nothing radical, but definitely stronger.

He's helping me walk the dogs.  He is even helping me with minor housework.

We went together to watch the grand baby dance.  We went to watch her play hockey today.  We have cooked together and simply spent the most amazing time reconnecting.  With each other, with our lives, with our family.

We've gone from patient and care giver to husband and wife again.

Tomorrow we will go to church, have some family time, and spend a bit of time with just us.  Getting mentally ready for Monday.

Monday we are hopeful, prayerful, that Hubs can get a note to return to work.  He needs it. He's discovered that he's not really ready to be retired yet.

Monday will start a new chapter.  An awesome, amazing chapter.

Change is good.