the apron club...

March showers are definitely falling.  Such blessings.  I am sitting here listening to the gentle rhythm of the rain, it feels as if it is washing away the weariness of the world. When I glance out the window, I see the first blossoms of springtime, sneaking in through the chill of the evenings. 

I have no idea what kind of tree is outside my window, I just know that it bursts forward with beautiful white flowers, it's always the first sign of spring in my little garden. Already I am catching bursts of that beautiful spring green.  I love that color, only outside, in nature, it fills my heart as a gentle reminder that spring is getting ready to come on the scene in a huge way.  One day the trees will still be barren and cold, the grass will be muted, flowers are still resting deep underground as you start your day, and just like that the day will end in springtime. 

I guess if you need any further proof that God is taking care of us and providing for our needs, then maybe you aren't really looking. 

Yesterday while I was finishing my chores I listened to a YouTube channel that I usually don't follow.  I'm not even sure where I got the link that led me to it.  It was in something that I do usually follow, it's a site I visit periodically, but for some reason I have never subscribed.  I subscribed yesterday.  

I had started to listen earlier in the day, but I knew I was distracted and wouldn't give it the attention it seemed to deserve, so I'd saved it for ironing time.  A time when I knew I wouldn't be interrupted, no one was likely to call or text, and honestly is there a chore that is more mindless than ironing?  

It was on Roots and Refuge, and I am including the link.  It's a devotional and it's about "homesteading".  Yet, not in the way you would expect.  Sure she touches on the things that fill my heart, taking care of the home, gardening, being self-sufficient.  All of those things, it was just so different. Be warned, it's about 50 minutes long, but it is definitely worth those precious minutes.  It's more about self-reflection, self-realization, and completely owning your own path and understanding what it is. 

I felt like yesterday was a day filled with messages.  A variety of things that I needed to hear, to feel, and to experience. After all, I also felt powerfully drawn to write also. 

One of the most powerful parts of the day, was when she mentioned the apron club.  For me it felt like a giant smack upside the head and heart.  I know I joke about being "retired", I am not now, nor do I feel will I ever be retired.  I do feel like I finally got promoted to the greatest career path I was ever blessed to have.  I am a homemaker.  I am a proud member of the apron club. My favorite apron is stained, faded and definitely worn.  It's been used to wipe tears, grab hot pans, wipe my hands on, and to protect me from many things.  I should make a few more just like it, maybe someday I will make the time. 

There are times that I battle bitterness that I had not been able to embrace that path when my babies were young and needed me.  I have had deep regrets that bubble to the surface at my own blindness, at allowing myself to believe in the fear man was driving into my heart.  How we wouldn't survive if I wasn't working as hard and as fast as I could.  I watched longingly at the relationship my daughter has with her own children, mainly due to the fact that she is a 100% hands on mom.  

I own that.  I pray about it.  And I thank God for finally breaking me free from it all.  Now I am a full-time grandma, available at a moments notice.  When my grand-daughter calls and asks me to meet her sisters bus, I don't have to hesitate, I simply go - providing I'm not scrambling about like a blind mouse searching for my keys... I am able to be there when my children, husband, family, friends or even neighbors need me. 

Are there times I allow man's ways to disturb me?  Absolutely!  I can get in a tail spin the same as everyone else.  I promise you, Monday I was beyond disturbed.  As I went first to my bank to find out I could no longer physically interact with a teller, but in a very Jetsonesque manner I could interact via a computer monitor in the lobby.  And when that was topped off by them telling me that I could no longer receive or deposit change physically.  Well, my mind was 100% blown.  I simply wanted to cash a few checks and the fact that I could only receive the paper dollars back and had to allow them to deposit my coins felt foreign and controlling.  I was absolutely not okay with that experience and I am now evaluating my relationship with their new model.  I'm sorry, I am not really okay with such a non-personal method of dealing with people. 

I followed it up by a quick trip to my least favorite store.  I needed a few paper products for our home and thought it would be least expensive by going to Wal-Mart.  As a general rule I avoid the one closest to our home, I dislike the coldness, the lack of cashiers, the location, well basically everything.  I will usually drive to the next town and go to theirs, but I was on a bit of a time crunch.  I was trying to get everything done in an hour, so... ours it was. 

I never in my life dreamed that buying 120 plastic trash bags would cost $23.85, but there I was looking at the prices in stunned disgust.  I guess it hits me a bit harder than some folks, because I avoid going to the store unless I absolutely have to.  I also needed tissues... $9.99 for 6 boxes?  I used to loose my mind at the thought of $7 for 6. I even considered going with the generics on both items, but the prices were the same, so I figured I'd stay with what I knew.  In fact, every single item that I have always purchased was significantly higher in price.  In September I'd bought the same trash bags, and seriously struggled with paying $15.95 for them.  

After those shocks I decided to browse the store a bit.  I wasn't purchasing, but I wanted to absorb the atmosphere, my fellow shoppers, the prices on an assortment of items.  I guess I felt like a glutton for punishment as my daddy used to say. 

As I wandered in stunned silence I noticed the prices on laundry soap have soared to unreasonable levels, it's mostly water folks. Suddenly feeling very thankful that I have a fair amount in my pantry and that I have discovered that Soap Nuts work much better than chemicals. 

Everywhere I turned there were faces of dismay, I heard so many people speaking about prices in whispered horror as they would put things back instead of in their carts.  People are struggling, hard. 

When I left I was in a bit of a tailspin, I was stunned, shocked and frankly angry.  After spending time with Hubs at lunch, processing my thoughts on it all and talking through things.  I felt better.  Was I still shocked, yeah, but in a different light. I know that God is the ultimate provider and while man may be focused on making life complicated, expensive and unyielding, God will provide.  I stopped being a part of it all. 

A part of it must have lingered, because I truly felt that the message yesterday was directed at me personally.  I know my sweet Hubs often says I am a prepper, I'm not.  I'm a homemaker.  I am someone that puts on my apron and takes care of my family, my friends and others who need it.  I have finally found the spot I belong in life.  

I love growing our food, would I love a larger plot of land that I could plant and produce more, sure.  But it's not that season in our lives.  Maybe someday that is a path I will follow, now is not the time.  I love canning and cooking.  I cherish knowing what I am feeding my loved ones.  I care about the things that the world today tries to make into seem "old-fashioned".  Out of step with "modern times".  I'm okay with that, I don't wish to be part of the disaster that I see with modern times.

I am caring for the earth, my loved ones, my community in the way I have been called to do for this place and time.  Who knows where I will be later.  Who knows what talents (Luke 19:11-27) the Lord will bless me with going forward, but like the first and second servants let me multiply those talents and bless my Lord with my gratefulness at his trust in me.  Because I know that as I demonstrate my faithfulness and ability to manage what is given to me, I will receive greater gifts. 

Beau agrees... 

Speaking of which... the shirts are finished and will be delivered this evening, the chores are complete and this woman is ready to make quilts... time to get busy multiplying my blessings. And while I am at it... might need to make up a few more aprons... I pray this club multiplies as well...

love and prayers... 

when you calm down...

I'm not as fired up today, well maybe I am, but I am too tired to expend much energy on it.  Today my eyes are as heavy as the rain clouds out back.  Not much uninterrupted sleep and it wasn't even my thoughts keeping me awake. 

It was puppies. 

Evidently just as I feel into a deep sleep last night they decided to sing (BARK) for attention, I didn't hear them but Dad sure did.  He came down and tried to calm them, thinking they wanted to go outside or that there was deer or something outside making noise.  He never figured it out, because he left the gate to the stairs open and they rushed upstairs and climbed into bed on top of Mom.  They absolutely refused to leave and proceeded to snuggle up for the night.  

I hope it was a one night thing.  I enjoy stretching out and sleeping until I feel like waking up.  Not worrying all night that they will wake up and get into something or leave me a surprise to step in when I climb out of bed. Although it was awfully sweet to wake up to puppy paws softly reaching out and a warm ball of fur snuggled up feeling safe and cozy. They quit barking as soon as they were back with Mom. This could be the start of something I wasn't ready for.  

I wanted to wait until after their spay and neuter appointment in May, before allowing them to sleep out of their kennels.  Keeping them calm in their kennels is a whole lot easier, especially since they shouldn't climb stairs.  Oh well, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.  

I know they didn't sleep incredibly well either since they are already drifting back to sleep this morning.  I'd like to, but I am a bit behind on my chores and I want to finish the quilt today. Since Hubs has a virtual meeting this morning and I can't be down on my longarm while he's trying to hear, I figure I will use that time to clean up, mop floors (again... puppies), make their food and some treats.  By the time he's finished with his meeting, I should be finished with my chores.  Then... it's play time!

I learned yesterday that when you step away from a challenge for long enough, when you process everything that potentially caused the problems in the first place and you ask the universe for help... well it seems the planets align and magic happens.  

After I ranted and raved yesterday, I felt I needed a serious social media break, I needed to step away from society entirely and loose myself in my own thoughts.  So I headed down to my quilting space and decided I was finally going to tackle unquilting that darn quilt.  It's for special friends and it was really making me frustrated that nothing was working for me. So turned on a podcast for distraction, and to mute out the cuss words I knew were going to spew forth and started to work. I do not for the life of me understand why it was so simple, why the unquilting happened as smoothly as the original quilting had gone in, but suddenly it did. 

After probably 20 hours total of trying to get those darn stitches out, in less than three hours they were all removed.  The loose threads were tidied and it was ready to be quilted.  I have to admit I was in heaven.  The first quarter row showed me that the tension was still wrong and had to be ripped out again.  In my frustration I simply turned the knob - no idea if it was even going the right direction at that point, I just took a darn leap of faith.  Stopped and ripped out stitches and started over. To my utter amazement after trying so hard in January to get the tension right, after pulling out over 24 inches of stitches (width of quilt) my frustration had finally gotten it where it needed to be.  The stitches were perfect!

My babies hung out with me, even suckering me to letting them out back for a minute or two.  Beau wanted to go explore, at least Belle stayed close. I can't wait for the fence to be installed, it will be a total game changer. 

When I finally stopped for the night, I'd been quilting for about four hours, I am so close to being done.  I probably would have finished yesterday, but I literally stopped every foot or so of quilting to check the stitches.  If you have ever unquilted a quilt you will totally understand the fear was real. If not, thank your lucky stars. 

I am finishing that quilt today.  It isn't even up for negotiation.  I want to deliver it before the week is out.  My dear friends have been incredibly patient waiting for their Christmas present.  And I couldn't be more grateful.  Sometimes you simply have to walk away from something that has your heart and mind swirling until you can approach it calmly.  I feel the same way about "that sweater".  I simply had to put it away for a bit.  I will start working on it again when I am calm and ready to deal with the mess that it currently is. Or I will frog it and use the yarn for another project where I will love it, because I am not loving it. 

I guess that is kind of how I felt yesterday, my frustration with our world was off the charts.  I know there is nothing I can do in the current moment in time to impact any of it, so I knew that I needed to step away. I think I will be doing a lot of stepping away for a bit.  I am going to focus on things I can impact at the current moment, I don't do well with feeling helpless - I mean I am a Leo after all.  We do tend to want to be in control of things around us.  

I also feel like Mother Nature is telling me to calm down and cool my jets, it's going to be cool and rainy for at least the next week or so.  Seems March is trying to go out as a lion.  It's perfect for me to focus on my own little space.  And with the new moon coming on April 1, it is the perfect time for me to "get my house in order" before it arrives.  She's encouraging me to get all of my chores done before the camping season begins and I don't want to do any of them. A gal has to have priorities right?

It's time to get started doing life... Maybe tomorrow will include a picture of a quilt...

love and peace... 

waiting, praying, loving...

The sun is awfully bright this morning, almost blinding as it shines down on my little seat in the bay window.  And yet, I can't bring myself to pull the blinds.  I think I am simply going to let it pour its beauty and energy down on me. 

Our entire family is working on expert level in "chopping wood and carrying water" today.  It's my great nephews birth day, I wish I could send his parents, grandparents and siblings a giant dose of strength.  I was up at about 3 am today, I knew that sleep wouldn't return, I knew I needed to be awake.  My family needs all the love, energy, prayer and anything else for the journey before them. The reason I know they are all doing the same thing... we were all messaging back and forth in the wee hours. 

I can't imagine the strain on his parents and grandparents right now.  I mean I can imagine it, but I am sure even my harshest vision is nothing compared to what they are living.  They are strong.  Holy CRAP are they strong!!  Yet, they are just now starting a waiting game that makes pregnancy seem like nothing, a blink in time. 

I sat very still this morning, I worked on the Christmas gifts for Legend's family.  It allowed me to focus all of my energy and intentions on them, on him. Its where my heart needed to rest today.  As I am waiting to hear further news, which will not be mine to share I am going to continue to focus on them.  I am going to continue to monitor my phone, pour out love and healing prayers and lift them up.  

A few hours ago, I turned ever so slightly and saw the most beautiful sunrise.  Filled with a mixture of fire and calm I felt tears in my eyes.  I am not good at the waiting thing.  I want to be able to fix things, I am a doer. 

I've watched my sister from three hundred miles away, step up, take control of an out of control situation and lead her family through this blessing.  And it is a blessing.  Every child is and Legend even more so.  She has pulled out that stiff upper lip of the British that we have an over abundance of in our family tree, she has envisioned realities and miracles.  I've watched a strength that is unimaginable.  I have only been able to listen and pray.  I hope she knows how very proud I am of her, of her strength under fire while still smiling, laughing and never faltering.  I can't say I would be that strong.  

My heart is with his parents, but right now, it is with my sister most.  As a mom and grandma, I know that she has a double burden.  Because that mama is her baby.  I know the pain of watching my children suffer through things that seem surreal.  I know the feelings of helplessness.  The fact that due to the stupid state of affairs right now she can't even be with her baby.... I have no words. 

Today, I am asking for prayers, for divine guidance and intervention.  For a strength and courage that few mortals can bear and give.  Please take a moment to send prayers, healing energy, positive thoughts and mostly strength.  

love and peace...

tangents...

I am really enjoying this mild bit of morning weather we are having.  The cooler temps mean coffee in the treetop garden each morning.  Sweet Hubs has it down to a science, including what footstool and pillow to bring so that I can spend the most time possible out there. 

I might have slept in a bit this morning, so I missed the sunrise, although sleeping for the majority of almost 10 hours was a true blessing.  I feel rested and energized today. Which is good news I have company coming today. I can't wait!

I even managed to navigate the edges of the garden this morning and care for a few of my plants.  I am going to have Hubs help me string up one of the red peppers to dry by this weekend.  It's the only one truly ready to pick, so it will air dry.  The rest might dry in the dehydrator. There are about 6 of them that will all be ready in the same window of time. 

It felt good to be able to do some of my "normal" stuff this morning.  I will even admit to doing a bit of my normal stuff yesterday, now that Hubs knows and I won't get into trouble.  I managed to figure out how to do a lot of my ironing, and he was such a sweetie about putting it away.  It felt so calming to sit there and gently coax weeks worth of wrinkles out of the fabric.  To feel like I was nurturing and caring for sweet Hubs, giving and not just receiving.  My guilt about not getting it done before surgery was evidently stronger than I realized. I might try to finish up today, we'll see.  Like I said, I have company coming and I am quite excited about that. 

I had gone almost 24 hours without doing the intense part of my therapy when I did it yesterday.  Note to self, don't do that!  I am now committed to making sure I don't miss a single one. Because 12 hours is a long time, even if it doesn't seem like it and 24 is an eternity when you are trying to reeducate your muscles. Last night's therapy was brutal and the aftermath felt like day one again.  I need to keep that first and foremost in my mind.  It wasn't that I didn't want to do it, frankly it feels amazing while I am doing it (afterwards - well... that's a bit of another story). I was exhausted the night before and fell asleep before doing my therapy and then Sweet Hubs had to leave so early and I wanted a shower more than I wanted therapy.  Frankly, I figured it wasn't a huge issue to push it off.  Lesson learned. 

I also discovered yesterday, that no matter how tired I start to feel while sitting here, if I just get up and move around I find energy.  Armed with my hand-stitching beside me, I spent the day pleasantly forcing myself to stay awake.  And I made it until almost 8 pm.  The big girl lessons helped me sleep good last night.  Although, I never realized that my upstairs simply isn't that large.  It always felt HUGE, but when you are walking in circles, it isn't. 

Patience... two weeks ago I was a quarter of the way through my surgery. Today, I was in my garden having coffee.  I am learning to be calmer and to have more patience.  Not sure I am there yet, but I sure as heck am trying!

I caught a glimpse of the news yesterday.  My heart ached.  So much is going crazy and wonky in our world.  So much is the fault of people not giving respect, compassion and understanding.  I feel we have a few too many powerful people that simply want to play God.  They want to decide, force, create what works best for them and the rest of the world is expected to play a supporting role to their grandiose visions. 

My heart is breaking for the situation in Afghanistan.  And maybe not in the way one would think.  I am not an Afghan, I don't know what their hearts want.  Maybe they feel comforted being "ruled", be it by a government supported by outside troops or by the Taliban.  I don't know. The fact that little resistance has been mounted to prevent what has occurred leads me to believe their hearts were not in it. 

That is neither here, nor there.  My heart is breaking for the thousands, upon thousands of lives that have spent the better part of 20 years fighting for and protecting a space of land so far from our own country.  For the young men and women that have given unselfishly, at the request of their country, far too many paying the ultimate price and even more that live with the scars of it all every day. 

I am angry. 

I'm angry because the more I learn, the more I am opposed to our intervention in any wars. Did it keep us safe?  Who knows, I am inclined to believe there are deeper questions that need to be answered before we will ever know. 

I know far too many of the people that bravely defended this country's wars too many times when it seems to be nothing more than a political game.  This feels no different. 

Sitting here in bed, I have far too much time to think, to ponder, to question.  Too look deeper than the media talking points (have you noticed that all of the channels say the same things at almost the same time?).  I am questioning the value of so much loss. 

Honestly, I am probably not the type of person that should have this much time.  At any rate, I have been praying extra hard for those that unselfishly have served our country in this latest political game.  I have been sending them tons of healing love and light.  They are true heroes.  Our troops have always been our pawns in a global game of chess. They are the ones that give all, we lose them daily to suicide because what we as a country selfishly asked is more than they can stand. 

Sorry, guess I getting off on a tangent here.  I just get so angry. And I fear for them.  Too much feels like echo's of the past.  Too many fragments of history are peaking through this current situation. 

Too many times as a military brat I have witnessed what is happening now.  To the older generations, to my own generation and to the younger ones.  I have classmates that perished defending what our politicians decided was important, stirring people into a fever pitch of patriotism for their desires.  I have watched my children's classmates leave for parts unknown, they came back, but as different people. Sweet Hubs and my ex both stepped up to the call, both experienced things that altered and changed them. For what end? Or better yet, for whose end?

We are sneaking up on the twentieth anniversary of 9/11.  Are the current world events setting the stage for another crisis?  Another rallying call for young American's to rush to the world stage and lay down their lives? My faith is getting thin, my trust of the selfishness of politicians is wearying. 

I am trying to focus on the mundane right now.  Trying to deliberately draw inward.  Because I cannot impact the world.  I can impact myself, my family, my dearest and closest friends and family.  I can give love and understanding unconditionally.  I can encourage them to do the same. 

Can you imagine the impact if we all focused on doing good?  Doing things that impacted the here and now? Not globally, not something the media is telling us to look at and do, but what our own hearts and eyes are telling us needs done. 

Think about the impact. 

Instead of fussing at a neighbor for their lawn being too deep, maybe offer to mow it, who knows they might be dealing with a huge issue at work, in health, or it might be as simple as their mower broke and they haven't been able to get it fixed. If we notice a neighbor not around much, maybe checking in. 

I miss the world of the front porch.  I miss knowing when someone needed help.  I miss using our own skills, time and talent to help each other, not hurt each other.

I personally do not believe our world is in as bad of shape as the media wants us to believe.  As politicians push the narrative to make us believe.  When you turn off access to those things, you find yourself thinking far more locally.  You notice things. 

The Afghan people will decide for themselves what world they want.  As it should be.  If it is important to them, they will rise up and push back.  If it is not important, if they are comfortable in the world that is theirs than it is not our issue. 

What is our issue, is caring for those nearest to us. 

I remember when my girl was in fifth grade and she noticed one of her classmates never seemed to have clean or well fitting clothing.  She found out what the issue was (single mom, living in a tiny trailer with no washer/dryer and very few resources) and she took it upon herself to solve the problem. Each day she would take another outfit from her closet and take them to the young lady to wear.  She was always careful to take things that she'd outgrown, so I wouldn't notice them gone, and she'd meet her in the bathroom before class so that she could change unnoticed. 

I remember being so proud of her.  She wasn't doing it for attention, just the opposite, she was doing it in secret.  But she cared.  She's grown into a crazy, lovingly insane woman that still does those very things.  Her family is a collection of those she's birthed, those she's rescued and those she's absorbed.  The one thing I will always say, is it is full of love, compassion and joy. 

Especially right now, be aware of those around you.  Take notice.  Are they hurting?  Are they lost?  Are they living in fear?  I've been sharing some amazing ideas that keep popping up on Facebook (yeah I know ironic) that focus on caring and love for those around us.  Spend a few extra minutes being present for those that are sharing the same story for the hundredth time, they have a need that they might not know how to voice.  Listen with your heart.  For our troops current and past, be that calming space where they can process what they are going through. Far too many of them are probably feeling a bit used right now.

I recall working the USO in the evenings after work, just about 19 years ago.  When those few precious hours were the only time they were able to call home, to connect with family.  I remember sitting and talking with men and women, who willingly stepped up for those first steps into the middle east and Afghanistan.  

I have two head scarfs tucked away in a closet, they were gifts from a news crew that was passing through returning from Afghanistan.  They'd arrived unexpectedly and my ex called and asked if I could fix dinner for them.  I don't remember much about the visit, but every now and then I come across those scarves and remember the feelings. 

Please be that comfortable space.  Not just for our troops, but for everyone.  The energy feels hard and divisive right now.  We alone can make it soft and accepting. 

We really do need to bring back our "front porch".  We need to gather again, not tucked away in our backyards, but out in the open.  We need to invite people back together.  Our children need to feel comfortable hanging out in our neighborhoods, we need to feel comfortable together.  We need to enjoy spontaneous fire pits and sunsets.

We need to come together.   

after the storms...

Last week was absolutely miserable here in the mid-west.  The heat is tolerable in most instances, but the humidity.  It's just stupid.  It is also usually a harbinger of big storms heading our way. I honestly question if mercury retrograde just wanted a huge build up to complete it's cycle. 

On Saturday night as we headed out to have dinner with our two oldest girls (Hubs' very first with his oldest) the sky finally decided we had suffered enough! The heat and humidity were so heavy even breathing was uncomfortable, all that anyone wanted was to be inside with air conditioning set on freezer!!  Throughout the day it had been getting a bit more ominous outside.  

As the wind picked up blowing the hot humid air around, it was not a welcome relief.  The only thing worse that stagnant humid air is moving humid air.  The dampness surrounds you, everything feels wet and sticky.  You could feel it coming, and all you could do was hope it would break the heat and humidity. 

The clouds were deep and heavy, it was going to be a gully washer. It didn't disappoint.  The lightning display was spectacular and standing outside at the end of the evening with Hubs' oldest we were watching the sky light up in a way that looked like it was coming from the ground up in a thousand different lines.  It was intense. 

Sunday dawned so much calmer and cooler.  We were even able to get our float trip in with the girl.  First time I think we've ever done something with just her since the grands were born.  It was breezy and comfortable.  We both enjoyed having time to spend one on one with her.  

That wind stayed powerful though.  All day Sunday and Monday the wind just roared around us.  

It was not like tornado weather, no vortexes of wind, just powerful enough that branches were ripped off of trees and the treetop garden suffered a bit.  We lost a few branches from one of the largest tomato plants and from the red chili peppers.  The beans look like they will be okay, but they definitely suffered some wind damage. 

Today, I am sitting here enjoying the sunshine through the leaves, wrapped in a sweater, because the heat left. In a big way!  Last week's heat index was well over 100 degrees. This morning it is a cool 50 degrees, as a temperature shift, that is pretty darn dramatic. 

I don't do well when it's hot. It zaps my energy faster than one can imagine. A heat filled environment can literally make me want to curl up in a ball and refuse to do anything. Honestly, that pretty much described Friday and Saturday.  I wanted to blame the pain in my leg, the exhaustion from my adventure with the dragon, plain laziness (as I didn't do a single chore) any and everything was the target of my displeasure and exhaustion those two days.  Truth is, it was mostly the heat. 

As the temperatures have dropped to human level, not reptile, I've had far more energy and desire to be part of life.  My chores are almost caught up. I've been in my "office" sewing, cleaning and enjoying (yeah that literally slipped out of my mouth yesterday at breakfast).  My creativity is back and I am ready to tackle life. Shoot, I've even planned dinner, Hubs is going to be surprised!  Now I just need to set an alarm so I remember to cook it.  

I often forget how we as humans are so much a part of our entire environment. When it's hot and fussy outside, chances are it's hot and fussy inside too.  Saturday my sweet hubs was definitely sporting his grizzly bear suit, not his usual teddy bear one.  

I felt so terrible for the pharmacist and the barista.  That raging temper was seriously out of control as he was angry at the world and they were the target for his rage.  As the storm passed you could see his storm fade also.  He was uptight and nothing seemed to be going right.  Each first with his oldest brings up a flood of turmoil.  A mixture of regret (for all the time lost), uncertainty, anticipation and a touch of fear.  Life has taught him to expect the worst from people.  To be cautious, because hurt can happen without rhyme or reason.  He doesn't want any more loss.  I don't blame him.   He's had enough. 

As soon as the family arrived, full of hugs, love and smiles he shifted back.  The storm had passed for him as well.  He is the kindest, most giving person I have ever known.  He's a lot like my beautiful tomato plant that the storm battered. He weathers the storms life throws at him, he loses a bit of himself with each broken branch.  Yet somehow, he finds the strength and willingness to grow and give even more than before.  All the while baring the scars left by the previous losses. 

It's not easy to be around when he is raging.  I want to fix it, make it whole for him. I can't.  Never could.  There were times in our journey that he could have made different choices, maybe grafted some of those branches back on to his tree if he had been willing to make those choices.  He didn't.  He stayed by my side.  

I wish this sweet man wouldn't fear storms so deeply, not the ones in nature, but the ones in his life.  I feel like he has finally weathered them all.  There might still be an occasional strong wind, blustery moments, maybe even a crack of lightning.  

He just has to remember that moments later the cool, sunny breezes will flow again.  Bringing love, completion and happiness.  The girl made the comment to him on Sunday when he'd voiced his regret for all the time lost with the eldest.  She said she wasn't meant to come into your life until now.  One or both of you had things that had to happen before she could find you.  I agree. She is in his life now because it was time.  Hurt and loss has calmed and strengthened him. He is now in the place and time to share his life with her. 

When storms pass, the air is fresh, life is abundant.  The energy is strong and clear.  Life is truly the same.  

This week promises to be filled with rain and storms.  Neither Hubs or I are in the least bit worried.  We've both learned to dance in the rain and it will be a week and weekend filled with plans and work towards a bright sunny love filled future. 

Go on, go dance in the rain.  Calm your spirit, wash away the stuff that is stopping you from looking for rainbows and wishing on their pot of gold. 

healing...

... wow, it has been a very long time since I have written. I just haven't had it in my heart.  There was no room for much of anything as I navigated my thoughts, feelings, emotions and concerns. 

So much has happened in 2020.  It's been full of chaos, uncertainty, fear, anger and so many other things. I have been learning, growing and expanding my own consciousness. I have been silent on social media, in life, I have had very little contact that was required for me to exist. 

I am healing.  I am not the same person I was when I started this year.  Many things that were important... they no longer matter. That doesn't mean the people don't. Slowly I am adding people and things back into my bubble.  I am just being very careful as to how I do that. 

Yesterday started my 55th journey.  

So much has changed.  So many things are different.  My lens has changed.  Dramatically.  One of the reason's I haven't written.  I am still processing my thoughts, studies, the information I am weeding through. No one needed to be completely part of that process.  My poor hubs has probably felt I am a bit off my rocker, but in true Hubs fashion has followed the path and journey with me. 

I am filled with love and hope for our world, I am grateful for the amazing people that are traveling on my journey with me.  I firmly believe that God brings you the people you need when you need them most.  I am blessed by many.  Grateful for their love, energy, thoughts and prayers.  

2020... You are definitely a year to remember.  I am not sure that I will continue this blog. It may have run its course and filled it's place in my life, I am still working through it.  In fact I am considering a different platform... a new journey. I haven't decided.  I am still working through this portion of who I am and the journey that I wish to continue.  To me 55 is a bigger milestone than 50 was.  It's a turning point in my head. 

This morning as I prepared to return to work, I found myself choosing to wear colors that are completely not me.  My daughter gave me a beautiful dress that I would have never bought myself.  I am loving the light and airiness of it.  The colors and style are liberating.  I'm definitely not wearing my signature black.  It was a choice.  I like it. 

I needed these 5 days of nothingness.  I feel refreshed and ready for this moment.  Not excited about the a/c situation awaiting me, but... 

Thank you all for being a part of my journey.  Thank you for filling those holes in my life when I have needed it.  And thank you for allowing me to be your bridge when you weren't able to do it yourself. 

I am not promising that I will be back.  I am still deep in prayer and meditation about where my journey is going. But I will completely keep you in my heart forever, regardless where this journey takes me... 

disconnect...

It was dark and dreary yesterday.  There was rain coming as I woke up early in the morning, wait is 3 am morning or is it still night?  Regardless, I was up super early.  Wide eyed and ready to tackle the day.  As I was laying there reflecting on all the reasons I should go back to sleep, my mind drifted to all the reasons to not go to sleep.

It slowly occurred to me that it is the end of March, somehow it flew past.  I remember walking in the warm morning air as March started.  I remember thinking about the appropriate gift for my sweet baby girl's birthday mid-month.  I remember as the sun shone on my face the old saying... March come's in like a lamb it goes out like a lion or vice versa rushing through my mind.  And thinking, well I guess we will have storms at the end of the month.

I'm gonna say that this year, March has shown us it means business! I am not even sure that a lion exists that wants to claim this mess!  That week was such a defining moment... it came in with a time change - yep still hate it.  There was a full moon and it ended with a Friday the 13th.  As a general rule, I love Friday the 13th.  I've never found it to be a bad day, I might have to rethink my thought process.

Yet today dawned cool but brilliant. I gently awoke to the sound of the wind, it was raging and pushing the impact of yesterday far to the east.

Sitting here on the last weekend of this crazy month, I have a million things running through my mind.  A million thoughts that have me stressed and concerned. Another million that are bringing me calm.

I've been listening to a bunch of pod-casts and YouTube shows.  Seeking understanding, guidance and knowledge.  Nope I cannot tell you what the most popular show is, I have no idea.  Even as I am curled up in my favorite chair, earbuds in listening to music in 852 Hz.  I am not sure how I discovered these beautiful tones, but I am absolutely thankful that I have.  They are so refreshing and calming to me.  They are lighting up my world in a weird way, I almost crave the sound.  And if you know me, that is just downright strange.  I am the quiet person.  I do not thrive with noise.

It's been a weekend of pleasant diversions.  I haven't been on the computer, hardly at all.  We took Neeko for 4 walks yesterday and one already today, he is absolutely loving the parents being home.

I haven't felt the need to get in the car, to experience anything I cannot get to unless walking.  This morning, after energy work and meditation, I enjoyed hot coffee with Hubs before we took Neeks for his morning stroll.  We needed, no scratch that, we wanted a couple of things from the grocery store, so I shoved my folding grocery bag into my hoodie pocket and off we went.  There was no hurry, no rushing forward.  We simply strolled.  It was beautiful, but cool.  Neeko was loving the new view and smells.  And we simply chatted and observed the quiet peacefulness around us.

I have been cooking meals for us again.  It is wonderful to imagine what I want to make and then start cooking.  Last night the dreary, cold called for a spicy pot of chickpea curry.  The kind that warms you to your toes.  Brunch today were vegan breakfast burritos.  And right now the house is filled with the scent of the granola that I am baking to make the crust for my first ever attempt at cheesecake.  I have to admit the irony is pretty darn sweet.  Who waits until they become a vegan to decide to try making cheesecake?

I have been enjoying the weekend.  I have given myself permission to unplug and focus within.  I had to.  If I hadn't, I am fairly positive that the absolute stress of the past week would have shut me down completely.

I spent more time in panicked tears and melt down mode last week than I have in a very, very long time.  I would have to say in almost 18 years.  This truly feels even bigger than the change I went through then and that almost destroyed me.  I can never allow that to happen again.

I am sure I am not alone.  These times are unprecedented. So much is changing and super fast.  Many of us, I am not alone, are worried about jobs, homes, paying bills and providing for our families. Working for a not for profit means that we don't have lots of extra money laying around for things no one ever dreamed of happening.  The reality is that Hubs and I might be required to take time off without pay. That is unbelievably stressful.

And last week, it was dragging me down like an anchor on my soul.  I was struggling hard. I'm still concerned.  It will be tough for us if it happens.  But we can and will survive it.

What this quiet weekend has taught me.  That I am stronger than any of that.  I needed the time to go deep inside to meditate, to putter around my house, to think and process.  I am not even remotely going to lie when I say that I am enjoying the shorter days.  The time to cherish all the things I am forever putting aside.  Taking long walks with my boy and Hubs.  They are rushed to squeeze into my day.  They are an intentional beautiful part of my day.

We have a new neighbor down the street that Hubs has been spending a lot of time getting to know.  He's a county officer.  After speaking with him about the stress of everything and how much he was looking forward to enjoying his two days off at home, we decided to create a small care package.  This has to be even more stressful for him right now.  A couple of small bottles of Jack Single barrel, a few bars of homemade soap, a homemade candle and of course due to the times a roll of TP with a simple thank you note.  I have to say that putting that together filled my heart with so much love and joy.

I was puttering in my sewing room and found my favorite skirt, tucked aside years ago, our beautiful Amber chewed a hole in it as a puppy.  She's been gone a long time now. It was back when we barely had two nickles to rub together.  I'd started to repair it, and never finished.  I stuck it in the mending pile and moved on.  Yesterday I started working on it again.  Enjoying the slow rhythmic motion of the needle as I fixed it. It will take a bit more time.

Use it up, use it out, make it do or do without.

That used to be a favorite line.

Maybe there was a reason.  I cannot control what is happening.  I can only control my reaction to it.  If I fight it, I will suffer.  If I learn and flow with it, I will grow.  Bet you can't guess what my plan is?

How is everyone doing?  Are you okay?  How are you growing and learning?

gratitude...

This moment in time is feeling a bit strange.  It's feeling awkward and uncomfortable. I am getting ready to head to work.  The stay at home order doesn't go into effect until 11:59 pm tonight.  I can be away from people and still work.

I am having so many mixed emotions about right and wrong. I can't see a clear path.  I'm trying.  When I said that we were doing the COVID shuffle, I meant it.  And I think all of us are doing it in more ways than one. 

Mentally, we are definitely doing a cha-cha.  Physically, holy crap!  We went out briefly yesterday.  Hub's scripts were ready and I wanted to get them before the full fledged panic of today kicked in.

Let's be reasonable here, the stores have no food on the shelves, panic had already set in.  But just the fact that people know they will be confined to their homes after midnight tonight... well that is going to add a whole new level of crazy.

I feel that we would not have gotten to this point if people had just stopped.  Listened to the requests, stayed 6 feet apart.  As Hubs was standing at the pharmacy counter yesterday a woman literally leaned over him and asked the pharmacist a question.  That not only violates the 6 foot request, but it really violates HIPPA laws.  His medical stuff, is his business and his alone.  We have simply become a society that doesn't feel common decency applies to us.

So, in order to be a good steward of my energies and to help myself through this journey, I have opted to focus on the positive.  The things that I am grateful for. 

I am grateful for so much. 

I am grateful today for a husband that loves and celebrates my idiosyncrasies.  He doesn't blink twice when I walk the house with smoking sage.  Purifying the very air which we are breathing.  He understands all the things that makes me who I am. 

The other day I asked him if my beliefs and actions concerned him, as they are a bit counter to his own.  If he'd regretted marrying someone that is a bit odd by societies standards. He just laughed.  And said nope, I assumed I was marrying a witch when I married you, so nothing you do surprises me.  I am not a witch (most days), I cannot wiggle my nose and make things happen.  I do deeply trust my intuition and things I somehow just know.  He's learned to do that also.

I am grateful for his understanding that I am a creative soul and I vibrate the highest when I am able to create in many mediums and styles.  He built me a fire to combat the cold and chill of the air yesterday.  He helped me to create my own little nest in my sitting room (yes it is ours, but I claim it!).  He gave me space and peace to listen to music that cleanses and calms my soul.  He kept my coffee cup filled and showered me with love.

I think he knew that I have been in a struggle spot.  And knew intuitively how to help me heal.

I am thankful that one of the gifts he's given me is my spinning wheel.  We couldn't afford it at the time.  I was happy with my drop spindles.  But he wasn't interested in hearing what I was saying. 

Yesterday for hours the smooth alpaca wool slid though my fingers.  I have met the alpaca this wool came from.  She is a true beauty.  I felt blessed and honored to spin her wool into a soft yarn.  To know that I will make something delightful with it. I don't know that I have enough to make a sweater, but maybe a scarf and hat set?  We shall see. 

I was a million miles from this plane yesterday.  The embers of the fire crackling, the warmth from the hot coffee, the tactile calming of that soft fiber.  The rhythmic motion of the treadle pedals spinning my wheel.

As I wandered mindlessly through the task I'd decided to do, I felt calm.  I felt grace.  I felt immense gratitude. 

During this crazy time, when the world is slowing, when life is rapidly changing.  I challenge each of you to find the grace to love, the courage to be grateful, and the love to support others through what is a very unsure and frightening time.

I posted yesterday that everything is as it should be.  I firmly believe that.  There is nothing to fear.  Fear is one of the lowest of energies, don't give in. Be grateful, thankful and live in love! 

a hero returns...

My sweet Hubs was riding his Harley in the vet's parade today... this wimp, she drove there and enjoyed the beautiful day without freezing her bum off. My sweet Hubs is a Vietnam Vet, ya know the ones that weren't welcomed home with a parade or well even a thank you.  They did what their country asked and got treated horribly when they came home.  I'm not even going to dig into how I feel about that.  I'm also not going to address how I feel this country treats not only it's veterans, but their dependents.  I'm gonna leave that sleeping dog lie.  I am going to say that today was seriously heart wrenching for me and impacted me on a level I was not expecting.

I am used to seeing Hubs walk up to strangers and welcome them home, I am used to the shocked looks, the gratitude that immediately follows.  I am even more used to the uncomfortable moment of... what to say next.  Hubs usually says thanks for your gratitude. It touches my heart and tears it up just the same.  I know they weren't welcomed home.  I've heard them.

I didn't go with him to the ride out and set up.  I am not a veteran, not in the traditional sense, but I have given this country 38 years of my life... different story.  And frankly nothing needed to detract from the special air of this day. It struck me deeply when he said in passing last night, that he'd decided to ride, it was his chance to have the welcome home parade he never got.

Boom... there is the reality.  So many young men and a few women, served our country, did what they were asked and no one said so much as a small thank you.   He was right, it was his chance to finally feel appreciated for giving time out of his life.  For first hand knowledge of nightmares that we only see in movies or books.

I decided to hit the farmer's market first.  I usually do not go anywhere like that alone.  Hubs and I have so little time that we spend together that I do not want to miss a moment. Today, I went alone. 

We're nearing the last weekend.  Fewer and fewer vendors are out there. The veg selection is waning. But so beautiful just the same.  Today I picked up a couple of loaves of our favorite Misch bread.  It so reminds me of Germany, it takes me back in time.  It's perfect with a hot bowl of soup or served as a yummy toast for breakfast.

I found Neeko his treats that he loves so much.  Each day we have him is a blessing, he needs lots of spoiling. He was waiting when I finally arrived home.

The fig stand had one box of yumminess left, yep, had to purchase that! The local farmer with the incredible garlic and radishes got a few more of my precious dollars.  The quality is unreal. I love supporting a local family.  It fills my heart to overflowing.

I wrapped up the trip with some of the perfect broccoli, that sweet man helped me convince the sweet little bee that I'd been gently allowing to travel my hand to leave.  I am terribly allergic to bees, I have to admit, my terror was definitely mounting.  I think he wanted some of my bourbon spiced cider.

One final stop to the Tamale Man, I picked up a couple for me and three more for Hubs wrapped in a bag to keep them warm - I was on a mission!  I figured he'd be waiting a while, and would need nourishment.  I am working very hard to insure he always has yummy plant based food to sustain him.  No reason for him to give in to a SAD meal that will hurt him in the long run.

The bitter cool 40 degrees had shifted while I was at the market and it warmed up considerably.  I will admit to being thankful for wearing layers and dropping them as the day progressed.  By the time I arrived in our beautiful downtown it was over 55 degrees. 

I delivered lunch and headed off, I was going to look for a spot to watch the parade.  And their staging area was many blocks from where it started.  Heading east my path took me past my old Y.  It's long since been sold and is in the middle of a remodel.  I won't lie, a few tears filled my eyes, full of love and memories.  Some great, some horrible.  All life altering.  So many friends, so many memories, so much.  That sums it up... So much...

The parade was happening in my old playground.  The part of St. Louis where I spent 11 years.  Wandering around I was torn between nostalgia and a sense of loss.  It's changed, but the key parts remained.  I was still encountering drug addled homeless people, the trash laying around a sign of the lack of respect that St. Louis seems to be bent on continuing. 

I hate to just wait.  I can't stand it.  So I wandered.  I walked the entire parade route, zig zagged through the familiar sidewalks and streets.  Wandering aimlessly, lost in a million thoughts and memories.  I went to the parade, it didn't need to come to me.

Finally I heard the roar of Harley's.  They were starting to move.  I wandered over and was handed a flag.  Searching an ocean of Harley's I finally found my sweet Hubs waving to me.  I don't know if he's had time to process it all. I don't know if his heart is overflowing yet, it will be.  My sweet hero got his welcome home.  It was beautiful!  I followed them for a long distance, waving my flag and snapping pictures.  As they passed the Soldiers Memorial I decided it was time to head home myself.  I am so proud of that dear man.  He was the one stopping to shake the hand of every veteran on the side of the path, thanking them for their service.  Welcoming them home. 

He's a hero.

Me... I'm just the wife, but I am proud to be that.

The squash that I am cooking for dinner is done, it's time to walk my sweet old dog and get ready to head out again.  We are going south to celebrate a birthday of another veteran. The day didn't go as planned. 

Nope, not even close.  But it went perfectly!

bucket filling..

The air is crisp. My bourbon cider holds the scent and warmth of fall. When we open the door the scent of wood fires fills the air.  Most of us have fireplaces.  When you look around you can see the smoke curls rising from each home. I love autumn.

Hubs and I had the blessing of spending this day enjoying the season change.  There are only two more farmers markets before the outside season fades.  They will move it indoors, but it won't be the same.  There is something wondrous to me about walking in the cold, crisp air, picking each piece of produce that will come home with me.  Enjoying the scents, the colors the overwhelming beauty and abundance. Today they had bourbon laced hot cider.  The closest that I will probably ever get to having hot gluwein at a fest again.  It warmed my fingers that were slightly chilled.  It warmed my very soul.

As the weather cools, I often drift back in my memories to Germany.  This is when I miss it most.  I have found many good things here, I miss my memories, but I have made many new ones that I cherish as well.  But the air turning crisp... it always takes me home to Germany.  Add a farmers market, well it brings it flying home to my heart.

As we walked through the stalls, chatting and enjoying all of the vendors.  Of course I have my favorites, and I might have really stocked up on the freeze dried treats for Neeko.  And Hubs found another shop that was selling other dog treats, he of course bought a big bag.  He actually opened it and shared it with a sweet pittie in a pair of piggie jammies.  Cora was adorable, she made me smile and cry at the same time.  It's been a moment since I have felt the softness of a beautiful square pittie head.  I had to step away, the tears were burning my eyes. Her precious butt wiggle reminded me so much of my sweet boy.

Basket weighed down with treasures, fresh breads, beets, carrots that looked like a painting, radishes that were pulled this morning. Crunchy apples, and beautiful organic acorn squash, onions, scallions and garlic.  The treasures were a welcome blessing from the earth to us.  As we continue on this journey it becomes far more ingrained, it also becomes more personal.

Heading out, the autumn sky a bright and vibrant blue, I made the command decision to head for the great river road.  We'd missed the previous two weekends.  Between work and weather there had been no chance to savor and enjoy the beauty of the season.  I knew it was waning, but I wanted the opportunity to breath in the fall air, to marvel at the overwhelming beauty of the maples, aspens, red buds and any other trees still holding their own. It was almost 50 degrees.  As soon as it hit 55, we bundled up in our coats and scarves and dropped the top of the beetle.  Nothing should stand in the way of enjoying a beautiful day.

The river was really high, usually by this time of the year, it was tame and low, almost shallow in spots is how it usually appears.  This year, it's never really dropped. I was shocked by how high it was as we drove through Grafton on our way up to Pere Marquette. It was at the stilts on many of the river front buildings.  The very spot we walked for my birthday just a few months back was under water.  It's been a tough year for the river towns.  Although, the river town folks are survivors, they stand steady and strong. 

Pere Marquette did not disappoint.  Although it was more crowded than I have ever experienced it, and oh yeah... not a people fan! So it was a bit less enjoyable than I'd hoped.  I can't blame them, the chance to walk along the trails and enjoy the vibrant colors is definitely worth the drive.  We'd consider crossing over on the ferry and enjoying the Brussels side of things, but it was getting late in the day and Neeks would need a walk before too long.  The Great River Road is about 45 minutes away for us, we have to use our time wisely.

I was being a bit of a brat, my body was hurting from my attempt at flying yesterday (FYI - I can't), I was feeling a bit of a headache and frankly just out of sorts.  I hadn't wanted to go to a winery, they weren't calling my name.  Frankly both of my favorites have become a bit too commercialized for me to enjoy them. I loved when they were a bit more intimate, a bit more homey.  Now they are just raking in dollars and doing whatever they can to continue it.  Therefore, I wasn't interested.  I mean I don't blame them in the least, but they no longer suit who I am.  Their choice, my choice.

Well my bratty self decided that I was getting a bit hungry - I mean we had only eaten two vegan tamales - oh they are heavenly and so filling sweet potato, black beans, corn - perfection on a chilly day at the farmers market, but it was almost 3 and that was all we had eaten for the day.  I'd heard about a new vegan place in Alton - seriously?  I mean I didn't think they had anything but Fast Eddies, fast food and bars.  I wanted to try it out.  Finding it was not the easiest, it's the only shop besides a post office in the entire strip mall.  And the only seating was outside, it was in the shade and the sun was sinking fast over the bluffs... brrrr... and totally worth it all!  In fact we are heading back for lunch tomorrow. What's 45 minutes between friends?  Oh yeah, both ways.

Pepperoni and green olive pizza... gluten free and vegan!  All the sauces and the cheeses are house made and OH DEAR LORD amazing!  Everything was amazing and as we were leaving, after visiting with the owners for a while Mom, daughter and grand daughter we knew we were in love with this tiny off the beaten path little shop.  That was when mom decided we needed to try her "ish" and home made tartar sauce.  What in the world??  It was amazing!  In fact, that is what we are going to have tomorrow.  It was better than any fish I've ever eaten.  I kept checking to make sure it truly was vegan. I cannot wait until tomorrow!

As I prepped my veggies to store for the week, set my beans to soak and simply enjoyed being, I was savoring this day.  I almost had to work.  Several of my team offered to take it, one was even willing to interrupt her vacation so I could have a rest day.  I let one of the others, that had to be there anyhow.  Tomorrow will find me back at it, we have more equipment to move to get ready for the final week of flooring install. But today was a gift. 

I needed it.  I didn't get much done in the tangible sense of the word.  But mentally... wow... mountains were moved.  I feel renewed.  Sure back still stings from the fall yesterday, the left foot in general - not truly happy.  But the mind and soul... they are where they need to be.  Ready to face the world.

Tomorrow will be soon enough for cooking, laundry, maybe even a batch of soap.  Today... today was for rest, relaxation, beauty and time with the Hubs. 

You can't pour from an empty bucket!