Happy Christmas Eve...

The tree is trimmed, the lights are on, a few decades ago we would have been telling overly excited kiddo's the Christmas story as we tried to get them ready to be tucked into bed. The pups have already opened their one gift for the night, Hubs' new jammies (I had to get them for someone) are lying on the poof beside the sofa.  My glass of eggnog moonshine (my Christmas eve gift) is empty and in the dishwasher.  No one is tracking Santa's journey at our house tonight. 

I'm sitting here alone enjoying the lights and listening to Pastor Bob Joyce sing beautiful Christmas carols (if you loved Elvis' music like I did, you really need to take a listen... dang). In a bit I will climb the stairs, worn out from a busy day and ready to sleep. Wondering when my sweet Hubs will finally be home from a long evening.  

Ironically, I am having flashbacks to the first Christmas I spent with Hubs.  That Christmas eve was very similar, although I had my boy to keep busy. He got called into work that night also.  I knew when his phone rang at 7:30 pm on Christmas eve that it wasn't going to be good news.  You simply don't get that type of call on such an important night and have it be good. I could hear the voice of one of the Vice President of his buildings, I really like him and have known him for a long time, I heard the apology and then the news.  Nope, it wasn't good news.

As he rushed to get out of his jammies and new robe and dressed to head to his building, I already knew it was going to be a super long night, the deja vu factor was strong.  I wanted to be mad, I wanted to yell and scream and cry.  None of those emotions bubbled to the surface.  I knew he wouldn't have been called if it wasn't dire. 

Without any kids at home, the night feels odd already.  Puppies don't care what day they open their gifts and it already felt surreal.  I've been dealing with my own feelings, trying to keep them tamped down hard, trying to adjust to the vast amount of time that sometimes passes between visits from kiddo's and the mixture of excitement of spending our twentieth Christmas together.  Let's just say it's already been an emotional roller coaster.  I wonder if I just don't have any unfelt feelings left to deal with this. 

I worry about him, I know he will push himself super hard, having dealt with a similar situation in the past, I know that it won't be pleasant or fun.  They've called as many folks together as they can, it will take hours.  He forgets that he's not a spring chicken any longer.  Add that to the fact that he's already pushed himself too hard the past few days in the bitter cold means that he will be exhausted. I don't want him to make himself sick, he's on vacation for the next week, I'd hate for him to spend it all in bed.  Bitter cold and water are not a great combination.

He text me a bit ago, telling me to not wait up.  I'm not sure what I will do, I'm weary.  My nap faded away today when my oldest friend in the world called me to chat.  I miss her, deeply.  I wish she wasn't so very far away.  But hearing her voice and talking about all the random crap only served to remind me that she and I will always be sisters by heart, we don't miss a beat.  We can go literally months or years without talking and it's like it was just yesterday when we reconnect. 

One of my sisters is stopping by on her way back home tomorrow, it feels wonderful to have bits and pieces of what I consider a normal Christmas memories.  Growing older sort of feels like everything gets put into a kaleidoscope, just the slightest turn changes it all.  It's still beautiful and wondrous, but it is also very different, a completely new picture and reality. 

Life is definitely every changing.  I always thought I was so flexible, adaptable... now I question if I truly am.  Or if I am becoming rigid, do I long for the security of the known to the point that I no longer search for the beauty of the unknown?  Or am I simply learning to flow with it.  

The hot tears that threatened at the change to the evening never fell.  Instead, I sat and watched the rest of the Christmas special we'd been watching, cuddled my puppies and then got up and cleaned up the house.  Worked on the few Christmas gifts I still needed to wrap  up before heading to the eldest's house tomorrow evening and now I'm sitting down.  The wind is still raging, it's been an interesting couple of days, the music is fading and the evening has shifted into night.  

I will probably sleep, much like I did 20 years ago.  Waiting for Prince Charming to reappear and wake me from my sleep.  Unlike that night so long ago, he will probably be weary and sweet and let me sleep.  He will be exhausted and climb into bed silently to sleep until morning.  Hopefully, we will get to open gifts and spend the day together, but I am not overly optimistic, he's dealing with a huge problem.  We'll see.  It's a milestone Christmas for us, twenty years... but if it ends up being 20 years and a day, it will be okay. 

Happy Christmas eve... Hug your loved ones, cherish the moments with the little's while they are still young and embrace the joy in the smallest things. Remember God sent his only begotten son, for us. 

love and peace....

making memories...

I should be heading upstairs to my sewing room, I'm a touch behind, but the fire is so comforting and it's zapping the chill out of the air.  Hot coffee, cookies that the youngest made and a warm fire.  Perfect way to deal with bitter wind chills and negative temperatures. I am fairly certain I have never felt it this cold here in the mid-west.  These are temperatures that usually happen far north of here.  I was shocked to see -6° as this mornings actual temp.  I piled towels in front of the door thresholds last night, the cold was simply unreal as the wind whipped around. It might be cold out there, but at least we will have a bit of a white Christmas.  It was too cold for much accumulation yesterday, but this snow loving fool will gladly take whatever bit decides to fall. 

I hit a pause button yesterday.  On Wednesday night, I got a text asking if my littlest dragon could hang out for a bit, she was frustrated and just didn't want to be home or do the things mom needed to do. Hubs and I immediately said yep and put our wine back in the fridge.  We were up for any time with the little bit, she's very attached to her mom and rarely wants to do anything that takes her away from mom. 

Initially, she pushed back and didn't want to come hang out when she realized mom was not going to be joining us.  Miracles of miracles, she not only joined us, she stayed the night and all day yesterday.  We spent more than 24 wonderful hours together.  

I'd been feel a bit gloomy where the holidays were concerned.  Too many Christmases without kiddos, just felt a little blah. I had been busy making the best of it, but still feeling a bit glum the closer we got to the actual day.  We usually do Christmas PJ's on Christmas eve, this will be the first time we don't.  In fact I think we've decided to simply let that tradition die, we are all fussy about what we sleep in and none of us needs another pair of pj's.  EVER! It sort of felt like the last of the traditions I had grown up with falling away. 

The little dragon, renewed my spirit and filled my heart with boundless joy.  The first thing she asked was if we would take her shopping for her mom.  Christmas was sneaking up fast and she hadn't been shopping for her mom at all.  We spent a bit of time letting her pick out whatever she felt Mom needed, oh my was it great.  She had to have a card and pretty gift bag, even though she also insisted on wrapping every single present separately. She gave up going to look at Christmas lights, because she wanted to come home and wrap her gifts and write a letter.  

The pride on her little 5 year old face at picking, wrapping and packaging a gift for her mom, was so radiant and full of love. Things get tough for kids sometimes, and she is so smart and precocious that we all sometimes forget that she is truly just 5 years old.  She's tall for her age to top it off, so it is an easy step to forgetfulness. 

As we snuggled up for a few moments before she drifted to sleep, still insisting that maybe she shouldn't spend the night (mom really needed time to wrap gifts and get ready to leave today) we talked about all kinds of things that are important to a child.  As I stroked her little forehead and listened she shared with me how hard she is trying to be good at school and how difficult it is.  I'm sure a lot of it is boredom, she's so advanced that kindergarten is leaving her too much time to fill under strict guidelines.  Her mom was the same way, although she truly doesn't remember that part of it all. 

Yes I took the candy cane away before sleep...

All too quickly she was sound asleep, snuggled into the quilts and pillows like a little angel resting on clouds.  She is an intense child, I treasure that about her.  I don't find her to be too much.  I sat and watched her for a few moments before heading off to bed. Cherishing those precious moments, thanking God for the blessing of time with her that I had received. 

Somewhere around 4:30 am, a little angel with a head full of unruly curls stood beside me, "gramma, I had a bad dream will you come snuggle me in my bed?" One does not decline such a sweet request.  As we walked back to her bed I was silently wondering if that meant we were up for the day, praying that we weren't as I was still so very tired, bracing myself for the possibility at the same time.  

Within moments, snuggled up in my arms that sweet angel was fast asleep.  I laid there and drifted in and out of sleep for another two hours, amazed and blessed that she was snuggled up safe in my arms.  She isn't a child that is super comfortable with being cuddled, in fact she will often tell you that she is very uncomfortable with even a hug.  The blessings just kept piling up.  

While she slept for another few hours, I got the kitchen ready for cookie backing, I had promised her.  It's been so very long since I've made Christmas cookies and even longer since I've made cutout cookies.  That is all she wanted to do.  There was flour and cookie cutters everywhere she had a bit of help from both myself and grandpa.  My recipe doesn't have any eggs in it, so she was able to happily much away at the scraps as she used the few cutters that gramma still had in addition to her own that she'd brought with her. 

Grampa let her pick where she wanted to do lunch, McDonald's it was (YUCK), she bundled up and helped Grampa run the snow blower for a bit, before the lure of the fresh snow was too much for her and she had to make snow angels. 

The three of us decided to pick up a load of wood, after realizing that the truck needed some weight in it to keep from sliding and we all decided we needed a fire after finding out how bitterly cold it had become. 

Over the course of the day we decorated cookies (although I think she ate most of the icing and decorations), she munched on fresh made jerky and helped me seal it all in food saver bags (that kiddo figured it out instantly and while I stuffed bags she processed them), we did hours worth of arts and crafts and messes abounded. 

I think my heart almost burst with pure joy when she told me she felt bad that mom was at home doing chores but she was having a great time and wanted to stay.  I was blessed to wear the necklaces that she made me (I hope you like this gramma, I tried very hard to do my very best!).  Oh yes sweet angel, I love them and will cherish them always.  And my green paper elf hat is absolutely perfect!

While grampa was at work helping one of his team shovel walks, she helped me fix dinner.  I had been worried that she wouldn't like ham and beans, ends up being one of her absolutely favorite meals. It wasn't until late in the evening, when I suggested that she could stay again, that it dawned on her that she'd been with us for more than 24 hours.  As she started gathering her things, that sweet little dragon told me that she would really, really love to stay, but she had things to do at home and it was time to go.  

I'm pretty sure she thought I wouldn't take her, because she woke her snoozing grampa up and asked him to please drive her home.  Poor guy.  We loaded up Grampa's truck and returned her to her much calmer and more relaxed momma, complete with a promise of more play dates when she comes back from her trip. 

She is a fire filled little dragon, she is full of energy, excitement and a zest for life that knows no limits. If you blink for a moment she transforms into a sensitive, caring, empathetic and intensely intuitive angel.  The perfect mix. 

I didn't know how deeply I needed that time with her.  Driving home last night, with the snow swirling around me, basking in the Christmas lights all around, I sort of felt like a character in a sappy Hallmark Christmas movie.  Ya know that moment when they realize their greatest gift had just been given to them.

The traditions are wonky and out of order. Finding bits of icing all over the kitchen island and the floor while cleaning up the dragon "glitter" (not messes) from every room, filled me with hope and promise.  It healed my heart.  

last time I baked Christmas cookies... it's the OG
from 11 years ago...(same age as her little sister)

The spirit of Christmas showed up disguised as a little impish dragon with a head full of unruly curls and fire in her eyes.  

I'm definitely counting my blessings on this day before the night before Christmas.  And even more thankful that our Christmas season will stretch into the new year. 

The fire has almost burned out and it's time to get busy.  I have a few things to finish yet before I sit down and relax.  

love and prayers... and Christmas miracles to each of you...

cherishing the season...

With the holiday creeping ever closer and my final list in my hands I headed out the door this morning around 6 am.  I am finding that I do my best when I'm not dealing with too many folks at once.  Besides I wanted to make Hubs a long sleeve shirt for his Christmas party today.  

I have been working hard at keeping the list manageable this year (hard to do when you are married to a gifter - and that is his favorite love language).  I know what the official take is on inflation, and I might tick a few folks off... but if you believe that is a true number, I have some ocean front property in Colorado to sell ya.  Please... 

It's been a crazy week, full of parties and creating. I'm afraid after the holidays I am going to have to force myself to slow it down a bit and let this darn thumb heal.  It's mostly usable, but it is definitely painful, in fact that is why I am writing at this moment.  I spent hours crafting and wrapping gifts already today, the act of cutting is unbelievably painful, but I can't exactly ask Hubs to help me wrap his gifts can I?  

So I'm taking a small break before I jump back into creating.  I need to get a batch of jerky started and also another batch of slut sauce, those are for various Christmas gifts. Mostly passive work, but that jerky gun is tough on the hand, especially when it doesn't have much strength. 

I'm pretty much done with shopping, thank goodness, as I am not a fan. Just a couple little things left on the list for a couple of folks and of course we have to shop for the pups.  I am almost finished creating gifts too.  It feels good to know the holiday is just about a week away and I should be finished by Tuesday at the latest. 

After I finish up the gifts left to create and get the packages in the mail (the ones I can mail before the holiday) I am going to focus on a few things for myself.  I want to work on quilting up my family quilt before the end of the year, my Christmas quilt that my sweet Hubs made for me and a few other ones that have waited a long time to meet the longarm. It feels weird to be ahead of the game for a change.  Even if the kids hadn't shifted their times for the holiday, I would still be ahead.  It feels wonderful!

This morning I discovered I have somehow become part of the senior crowd.  Most of the folks rambling around the store this morning were older, we all had our lists clenched in our hands (not typed into a phone) and I know I heard several of us humming Christmas carols. 

I have to say I find it disturbing how many basics are hard to find right now, and it seemed like many of the other's felt the same way.  I wasn't buying unusual items, quite the opposite.  I was focused in on everyday ordinary.  And found myself stunned at the barren shelves and lack of sizes.  I managed to find what I needed with only slight modifications, although I never thought I'd see the day that a basic sweatshirt was a rare commodity. 

I knew I wasn't alone, watching my "peers" searching the aisles and shelves in the same manner I was.  If it wasn't the lack of items that was shocking folks, it was the increase in prices.  I mean I was still in a state of shell shock - or maybe it was sticker trauma from our grocery trip just two days ago.  Since Aldi's has opened I rarely go to the other groceries any longer, so I haven't seen the gradual price increases. To us, the change wasn't gradual, it was radical!

On Wednesday Hubs and I ran out for the last minute things for the team holiday feast.  As it was early in the day we had to go to one of the big stores, they open earlier.  To say that we both were stunned would be an extreme understatement.  An inflation rate of 7. anything is a total load of baloney.  We didn't buy name brands, well except the rolls and only because the generic were a mere four cents less and we knew everyone would like those silly Hawaiian rolls (I don't like them, but they are definitely a fan favorite). We bought no meat, just the random fillers of cheeses, tea, gravy mix - ya know the stuff you often forget.  Almost every item we bought was "on sale" (again, not believing that for a moment).  We didn't buy coffee or big ticket things like that.  Bread, eggs, milk, butter, cheeses... Holy Moses... We were placing bets on the final cost, I barely came closest.  I'd bet $200, Hubs went with $225 minimum.  Checking out at $195, and we only used one of those little carts they have now, was quite the wake up call on that chilly morning. 

From the looks of the carts as we have ventured out, there isn't going to be a lot of extravagant gifts under trees.  The matchy, matchy pajamas are still bursting out of the shelves at the stores unlike years past. It's okay, in fact it's probably amazing.  This holiday isn't about the bounty under the tree, it's about the love and bounty of the heart.  It's almost nice to experience people getting back to giving from the heart. 

I've noticed many family and friends creating, baking, making candies and treats, crafting and putting deep thought into how they will express their love and joy this time of year.  I know some folks that are actually buying groceries for their loved ones.  I get it.

The wind is picking up, the temperature is dropping, we might even get a white Christmas (I sure hope so) my break time is almost over, I need to get the jerky in the dehydrator unless I don't want to go to bed tonight.  

Cherish this precious time.  Spread love and cheer, the world seems to be in a serious deficit in that department.  

love and prayers... 

 

Christmas is...

I have a lot of things on my list, but I think I'm going to just rest for a bit this morning.  Seems I've been rushing around needlessly, as I don't have mailing deadlines after all.  Well, I do for Alabama, but that's it. I figured that I will take a few extra moments this morning to process my feelings and reset where I'm at.  It's super hard when you are feeling like a self-centered brat.  But... that is where I am right now.  Feeling selfish and bratty. 

My kiddo's lost one of their grandparents this fall, and honestly in complete fairness their Dad probably needs them far more than I do right now.  I remember the year I lost my Dad, and how all I needed to make my heart feel home was Christmas with my babies.  I didn't realize it was going to be the last Christmas for such a long time. It was the last time our boy has been home at all. 

We raised strong independent children, exactly what you are supposed to do, but that doesn't make it any easier when you miss them like crazy.  Whether it's because their lives are full and busy or they are far away.  

Holiday's are starting to fade in importance.  I admit as I put up the tree this year, I might have shed a few tears, but I was hoping against hope that maybe the boy might surprise us with a trip home.  It wouldn't have been complete because I knew the girl had decided to spend the holiday with Dad, in fact I think my heart already knew the boy was heading to Dad's also.  It's the right thing to do.  I definitely encouraged both of them to do so. Remembering how my heart felt, I wanted to be kind and fair.

I know it's the right thing, so why do I feel so rotten?  Probably because after driving all the way to Arkansas before my surgery last year, thinking I was going to get some quality time with the kids, I ended up getting a few spare hours and due to unforeseen circumstances, my time with them got taken away.  They were off living their lives again.  That's all I've seen them for far too long.  A few random pictures, a couple of text messages and even an occasional phone call. 

We see the girls a bit more, but not by much.  Although I admit that we grab every single moment that is put before us, plans can always be cancelled when our kids have a moment in their schedules.  I do miss them so. 

I'm feeling super rotten, selfish and unreasonable.  As I moved their boxes away to deal with when they return home I felt empty.  For some stupid reason the song "Thank God for Kids" popped into my head, in all it's versus, that immediately followed listening to "I'll be home for Christmas". 

I'm really okay with the holiday being just the Hubs and the Pups.  It will be full of love and joy.  But there is something magical about when your kids are little.  I think the nostalgia is eating away at my heart.  Remembering the almost daily pleading to open just one gift, the excitement and wonder of it all.  Struggling to get them to bed, praying they would sleep long enough to create the magic.  

Those days are very long gone.  But that magic and wonder isn't.  

I'm being a brat.  I love them, they love us, they simply have to be in more places than time and space will allow.  I'm pretty sure next year is already off the table as well, so I am fairly sure that added to the melancholy in my heart.  Again, it is pure selfishness on my part.  

When the boy was very, very young I had a premonition that I would see very little of him once he was past his early 20's.  I crammed as much time into those years as I could, cherishing each moment, just in case.  Here he's in his early 30's and I rarely see him.  

Last year when I was so upset about my car, my impending surgery and life in general, I went to get a reading. I needed some reassurance and balance in my life, by then I knew that I wasn't going to get to see them again last summer - that life had zigged, not zagged. My heart sunk when the sweet lady said that she needed to let me know my boy loves me, but I would most likely not see him until at least 2025.  It felt like an eternity, sometimes it still does, but with each moment that passes... it feels very much like it will come to pass. 

One of my favorite Christmas albums growing up was by Walter Brennan, we listened to it every year, from wherever life had dropped us for the moment.  One of the songs is about the family not being home for Christmas.  It always made my heart feel a bit tender and mellow.

We missed a great many Christmases with extended family and it is probably why I struggle now.  I don't want to ever become that way with my kiddo's. Rationally, I know that I am not spending Christmas with my mother either, I've spent very few as an adult, I do harbor guilt about that.  

Our world is not the one of Norman Rockwell paintings.  And honestly, I don't care so much if the kids are home for Christmas, I would just love to be able to see them a bit more.  I simply miss them. 

I'm glad I took the time to sit and write.  My heart isn't so tender, my spirit is brighter.  I do miss my babies, I think that is simply part of being a parent.  It doesn't mean that Christmas isn't wonderful, Hubs and I will have a blessed day with our pups.  The kids will probably call for a moment or two, although they will be pretty busy, so I will settle for a text message. We might spend a bit of the day with our oldest, as she might be in town.  And if not... we'll build a fire, kick back and enjoy the magic of the day. If it isn't raining we will take the pups for a walk at their favorite park and we will spend time remembering the true meaning of the celebration.  Taking time to thank God for the amazing gift of his only son and sending love and joyful thoughts and prayers to all of our family and friends. 

When the girl and her family returns we will gather for a second Christmas in January and we will also be blessed to see all of her kids.  Maybe the joy of stretching the holiday time out past a single day, is very much worth it.  

I guess I'd better get busy, Hubs is throwing a Christmas party for his team tomorrow... or maybe I should say I am.  I have goodies to cook and cleaning to do... time to get with it. 

love and prayers... 

believe in the magic...

I've stopped for the first time since waking... Was that only 5 hours ago?  I don't have any idea how I kept up with the house and life when I worked full time.... Oh wait yeah I do, they took a back seat to my "job". So did things like sleep, cooking healthy meals and taking care of myself and Hubs. 

Hubs has a meeting every Wednesday, it starts at 7:30 am and usually runs at least an hour or two, it's a google hangout, which means he is in his home office fairly early.  I try not to go down to my crafting area or carry things down to the cantry during that time.  I don't want to interrupt.  So I usually take that time to catch up on my weekly chores, laundry, ironing, sweeping, mopping, ya know those things that take a minute.  

I still haven't done the ironing, I subbed in a few moments of present wrapping, we have gifts that need to be mailed and I wanted to get them finished up quickly. I'm trying to not hit that panic stage this year, and actually plan things out.  I also finished up all of the inside decorating, and I'm getting ready to start on a day of creating. 

I love creating, it's like a salve for a my weary soul.  When I get lost in creating I forget the world exists.  I've been super busy this week so far it's involved paint, power tools, glass, lots of vinyl... those projects are finished and now I'm getting ready to head down to the long arm.  I have several quilts to finish, but only one that needs mailed so it is getting done today.  Then I will probably head up to the sewing room to work on a few more things that I want to get finished and wrapped. 

I have to admit that the fact that our economy is crashing hard has definitely been a boost to my heart.  I know that sounds unbelievably insane, but... the truth of the matter is that I have been beating a drum for a very long time that Christmas has become far too commercialized.  The reason for the season has slowly, or far too quickly depending on your perspective been eroded and turned into nothing more than an opportunity for all of us to rush headlong into debt to feed a beast of greed.  

My favorite gifts to give and get are the ones that are homemade. Followed up by things that from a small business or second hand.  To me that fact that someone put the effort into finding just the right thing for me.  It means so much.  The fact that it is something I can truly use, or treasure forever.  Priceless. 

This year, even more so than in the past, the few gifts we are giving are things that are of great use to people.  Things that they will truly be able to use and value.  

If you are on my gift giving list, don't be surprised by clothing, food, heck even gas cards are a possibility. I am creating things that have value.  Even Hubs has joined the band wagon, creating all of his gifts, spending hours at his featherweight and learning new skills. 

Each gift we give will be deeply thought out, it will be something that we know will help or provide comfort in some way to the recipient.  It won't be garish, it will be gifted in love. I am so excited for this holiday season.  I don't feel the stress that years past have brought, the need to buy, buy, buy has been eliminated.  It feels priceless. 

This year is also the 20th Christmas that Hubs and I have spent together.  The anniversary of our first Christmas together.  Ironically, I didn't have much in the way of treasure back then either, yet it was magical. 

This will be a Christmas of just the two of us and our sweet fur babies on Christmas morning.  Although we will probably get to see the eldest and her clan later in the day.  It's bittersweet, I miss the boy and his girl, it will be strange to not see the youngest grands and their mom (I do have to share them now that my ex lives in the US). It will feel different. 

But... I am looking forward to leisurely opening the few gifts we buy for one another, to enjoying the puppies opening their presents and to having a nice quiet breakfast as we celebrate the fact that we have spent twenty Christmases with each other.  It's an amazing milestone and deserves to be cherished and celebrated.  It's not about gifts, it's not about anything except being together. We will have a fire, we will share our coffee and probably reminisce a bit.  

I'm hoping for snow, as all the boy had wanted that year for Christmas was a white Christmas and sure enough, it wasn't snowing when we went to bed that Christmas eve, but we woke up to a bright white snowy Christmas.  Wouldn't that be magical?  

Well, I've wandered through memories, smiled and had a few moments of misty eyes remembering the past, now it's time to get back to working on my projects.  I heard the dryer buzzer go off, meaning the final batch is ready to be folded and carried upstairs.  I can still hear Hubs' voice wafting up the stairs so I guess I will reverse my work plans and head up to the sewing room first, long arming can wait for this afternoon. 

I still believe in the magic and wonder of what Christmas truly is.  The greatest gift ever was given to us by God above.  Doubt it?  John 3:16 will clarify that for you.  

they want the same toy 

Have I mentioned lately how very blessed I am?  I thank God every day for every blessing that has been given to me.  For the bounty, blessings and joys.  In this crazy mixed up world that we are living in, those blessings are huge!

love and prayers... b

my world is changing...

The embers of this mornings fire have faded down to ash.  The sun is sneaking above the trees and the chill is slowly leaving the air.  I've already finished mowing and string trimming the yard, so I thought I would have a seat for a few moments and savor a final cup of coffee before moving on to the rest of my tasks that I have set for today.  I was listening to a few of my podcasts while I worked out this morning, spent a bit of time under the early morning sky saying my prayers for the day, I finally feel ready to tackle the world. 

Okay, sort of.  I've decided this week is going to be the finish up projects week.  I need to get the skirt finished for my niece, I have a couple of repair quilt projects to work on and I would like to finish up my "family quilt".  Of course I will find time to work on the sweater that I am currently obsessed with.  

As I am moving into the cooler months, when I become obsessed with creating while the cold rages outside, I want to start with a clear plate.  I don't want to owe anyone a project.  Normally this is the start of my personal Santa's workshop period.  I've come to a few conclusions over the course of the past few years.  And this year, will be very different. 

I've struggled hard with how commercialized the holidays have become.  How ritualistic.  I've actually agonized over it a lot.  I don't want to spend hours opening gifts that will be forgotten before the end of the day and even more hours creating and wrapping gifts that will never be treasured as I day dream while making them.  It isn't because the recipient is ungrateful, it's because this is a very different time in our world.  

While I sit for hours creating treasures, I have visions of little house on the prairie dancing in my head.  I imagine Laura being so grateful for the warm hat and mittens, and Mary cherishing the sweater.  I see Ma wrapping herself in the quilt... you get the picture right?  

The reality of our world today, is that if people want something, they buy it.  "Things" are simply that.  For years my sisters and I have debated about when to stop the insanity.  Someone always has hurt feelings or dismay, each of us at different times has been the stumbling block.  All the while our own families have grown and honestly everyone is overwhelmed with stuff. 

My kids have repeatedly told me to stop buying them gifts, that they have no need for the things and no where to store them.  My gut felt horribly like that being a bad mom.  My folks put huge emphasis on Christmas gifts.  

This year is going to be very different.  I'm not anticipating any of the kids being around at Christmas.  They will be busy making memories, as they should.  I am not going to spend hundreds of dollars on things to find in yard sales or donation piles.  

I am going to enjoy this season of life.  The must do's are going to be replaced by the want to's. I will no doubt make Hubs and I our favorite cookies.  I will insure that each of our children has something small that will let them know we are thinking of them and love them very much.  But I fully intend to immerse myself in celebrating the season not the shopping.  

This fall and winter will find me finally completing projects that have been in my to do pile for far too long.  I have many things that I have longed to make for myself, but felt selfish for doing so.  I don't want to do that any longer.  Making a pair of socks and a sweater for me felt amazing.  I am anxious to finish the one I am working on now and can already envision the yarn of the one that will follow, and the next if I'm being honest.  Because I already have the yarn, it's been sitting silently by, waiting for me to finally have the time and attention to give to it.  

I'm learning that a lot of what we have been programmed to think, to believe, is simply not truth.  There is no area of our lives that isn't tainted.  I feel like I'm healing from it, albeit slowly.  We are conditioned and programmed in many areas.  I'm fairly positive it is no where in the bible that we should spend ourselves into bankruptcy to provide a Christmas season.  I'm also sure that many of the other things we have been taught, encouraged to believe and forced to observe have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with Christmas. 

I'm going through a process in life, a process that is painful and abundant at the same time.  No one wants to see that they have been subjected to falsehoods at every turn for the majority of their lives.  No one wants to believe that they have been duped.  Sadly, more and more is making sense.  And sadly is probably not the word I want, maybe profoundly, because I am not sad, I am relieved. 

Maybe at some point we will all return to those Christmas's of old, where the time spent with family and friends gathered near the fireplace laughing, talking, playing games or even music will return.  Where the joy of sharing a great meal prepared by many hands will have center stage.  Where there is a meaningful gift for your loved ones, not piles and piles of stuff. 

That is the season that I am leading towards this year. It might just be Hubs and I, and of course the pups, but it will be meaning filled.  I don't intend to follow any doctrine, I will still honor God in the way that is true to my heart, I will celebrate the gift of his son, but I am not going to follow the mass media induced shopping and buying insanity. 

I know it is an odd topic as I sit here in the beauty of this early fall morning, but my heart really felt that it needed to be written down.  I should probably be sitting here thinking of making healthy stews and raking leaves. Yup that tree out front, the first to shed it's leaves every year has already started to drop them at a frantic rate.  

Soon it will be time to put the garden to bed for the winter... oh will that be sad, yet it will immediately start my day dreaming of next years garden.  Today as I make a hearty veggie stew, I will be putting the last of my green beans and most of my carrots in it.  I might even add a pepper or two and definitely I will dice up the tomatoes that are still waiting for me to use them. 

These simple things are bringing me great joy and peace.  They are what is allowing me to step out of this system that has been created for us.  The one where the more we desire, the more we spend, the more someone else and the governments profit.  It is moving me mentally and emotionally to a simpler time.  I had known it was out there, for a very long time, I just couldn't find the will to break free and chase it.  Now that I have, I struggle to find the will to participate in that world.  The Amish, Mennonites and Quakers might seem extreme to some, to me... I think they were spot on all along.  

The joy that comes from working hard for what you personally need out of life is indescribable. Will I ever step completely out of this world that we are being pressured and forced to participate in, doubtful.  I will still continue to need to find a way to co-exist. 

I can't be the only one feeling this need to disconnect from so much of our reality.  Am I?  I don't think I am, as there are many in my personal tribe that are very much like me.  But I definitely wonder if we are the minority. Yesterday, Italy elected a leader that said "God, country and family"... it appears a pendulum is swinging.  Sweden did basically the same.

Well, while that pendulum is swinging, this girl needs to simply swing on the pendulum of season changes and get her home prepared to welcome the coming season.  Be well... 

love and prayers

the real meaning?

Silence has once again been found, Belle has decided that lying quietly in the kennel chewing on her teething bone is not something to be distraught about.  Beau is pretty laid back, so he was okay with it. It's nap time, we've been going strong since 4 am.  Momma needs a break, my coffee is long since ice cold and I had not had enough sleep when they were ready to roll.  My fault, I put them to bed far too early.  My leg was aching yesterday and I was exhausted, so we went to bed early.  Note to self: tough it out moving forward.  Soon that 8 hour restful night will be the norm, not the unexpected surprise. 

I am slowly adjusting to this new lifestyle, the new routine is different, but definitely not bad.  They are so precious and they definitely keep one another entertained.  They also keep my hopping, literally, over puppies, toys, chasing, stopping, redirecting and of course feeding and potty breaks.  I wouldn't change it for the world, although I am considering some barricades in the house to make containment a bit easier while they are still small. 

Yesterday was a brutal reminder that I am still recovering from major surgery and that my poor knee did not have time to rest from our trip, I need to think this through a bit more. It's a learning curve. 

Over this holiday season, the one created by commercialism and the media, I noticed a lot of folks, myself included, making the comment that they could not get into the holiday spirit.  It has really been niggling at my mind and my heart.  The why of it.  

I struggled hard with so much of the "commercialism" and expectations this year. I got lost in the have to's and didn't want to do any of it. It felt forced, it felt unnatural. Yet as the holiday itself rolled around and I lost myself more in the flow of doing what was best for our family, I felt such joy and relaxation about it all.  I can't be the only one.  

I used to be that die hard, programmed person.  The tree goes up the day after Thanksgiving, the house and outside decorations completed and ready. Most of my gifts were bought and ready by the second week of December (wrapping was another story). Cookies, that would often remain uneaten, were baked by the dozens around the work week schedule. If any presents were opened early, it was just like when I was a little girl and it could be one from far away on Christmas eve along with our traditional Christmas eve pajamas.  And Christmas gifts (far too many and most of it unneeded) were opened in the wee hours of Christmas morning. Christmas dinner was prepared, almost a mirror image of the Thanksgiving feast, just slightly smaller.  And then on New Years Day the tree and trimmings came down and a complete cleaning of the house happened. That is simply how it all worked.  

Are the Christmas movies and shows simply to show us what we are supposed to do, because someone will financially benefit from it?  I long for the old holiday movies focused on treating one another good and spreading love and joy. Instead of the over the top productions that create a false sense of failure if you don't reach the benchmarks being set. 

Is that what I thought being in the Christmas spirit was? Slowly this has changed, evolved, and actually improved for us.  The first time my daughter asked us to switch I was mind boggled, I felt a shock to my life long habit.  Not that celebrating Christmas on a different day was a bad thing, the reason was solid.  Not all of her kids would be able to be home for Christmas day.  This year we switched it up again.  We moved it all a day earlier, the youngest was supposed to spend the holiday with her Daddy, but had a cough and stayed home. 

The strange thing about it was that those very changes made the holiday far more special.  We spent time with family in Alabama at the start of the month, opening gifts and enjoying each other.  Then we moved on to celebrating with family in Arkansas over the week before Christmas, again opening gifts and enjoying time together.  With the switch of the traditional day with the girls we also had time to spend with the rest of the family on Christmas day and we've moved on to celebrating with friends as we've moved into this week. The kids have been able to spend the time with more family and friends also, it has eliminated that feeling of not being there for everyone. 

I was so happy to find that useful gifts was a theme.  It wasn't about quantity, it was all about quality and usefulness (although my daughter went way overboard - I also understand her reasoning and I am very excited about her gift - feeling spoiled and like it was too much, but it will completely be used!). Each gift given and received had so much thoughtfulness and purpose behind it. 

Hubs only got me two impractical gifts, at least in the usefulness category, but my heart needed them more than I realized.  These puppies are filling a void I didn't realize I had. 

I guess what I am trying to say, is that breaking out of the traditional constructs of what this holiday has been created to be, has filled me with the true spirit of Christmas.  I have been doing so much research into this time of the year, the many layers that have all combined to create it. I am not finished looking into the history and traditions and I am sure that I will change my thoughts even more moving forward. 

I didn't spend a stupid amount of time decorating and found the most joy in the simplest of decorations.  There aren't a ton of lights, there is just enough to be festive and not overwhelming.  I kept myself true to my word and severely limited the shopping and made a gift for every person.  My heart soared with joy when my girl actually sent me a picture telling me she loved her hat and would take another in gray.  My nephew wore his to work, and families and friends have been sending me pictures of them wearing theirs.  

I didn't bake a stupid amount of cookies and all of them were grain and sugar free.  Since I don't have any left, I will say they were a hit.  I have spent more time with people doing simple things.  Browsing antique shops and thrift stores, searching for treasures, sitting around talking and crafting, watching movies and laughing.  Meals have been far more simple, more about nourishing the body and the heart. 

Is this lack or missing of Christmas spirit, really a reawakening of what it is truly about?  One of my dear friends gave me the greatest gift yesterday, and although I love the beautiful handmade glass ornament delivered in a handmade card,  that wasn't it.  It was the gift of his precious time!  We sat and chatted for just over an hour, sipping a glass of homemade bourbon cream and visiting.  It filled my heart to bursting.

We have plans with friends spread over the next few days, we've moved on to celebrating birthdays now. And the new year will fall in there also.  

This slower, more natural flow feels wonderful. More heart filling.  More joyous.  Maybe, just maybe, people aren't lacking in Christmas spirit, just maybe the lock downs and chaos of the past two years have opened our hearts and minds to what is truly important.  It isn't about shopping, over indulgence, and over the top everything.  Maybe it's about simply being thankful and celebrating all of the people and joy we have in our lives.  It's about simplicity and precious time. 

I have truly loved how this season is unfolding.  Sure I missed seeing my boy and his girl in person, I would have loved a hug, yet somehow, seeing his smiling face as he opened his gifts and enjoyed his coastal holiday filled my heart to over flowing.  He is happy.  Our girls here in town filled our hearts with love and joy just by spending time with them.  And the puppies have lead to massive quality time with our youngest grands. 

I'll be honest I am hoping to keep my tree up through the true twelve days of Christmas, but puppies might dictate otherwise.  I am looking forward to gathering with more of my friends and family.  And I am simply enjoying the calm and peaceful moments that the puppies are allowing. 

Has anyone else discovered these feelings?  I feel like I am finally waking up from an over indulgent, depersonalized day dream, and that reality is so much more beautiful than the fantasy.  

I hope that all of you are enjoying this time, celebrating all of the gifts that life has surrounded you with, finding time to rest, relax, reconnect.  I also hope that you are planning to take those beautiful gifts with you forward into the coming year. 

Time to dash, puppies will be waking soon and I have a few orders to finish.  

love and peace... 

everything changes...

In the wee hours this morning, trying to fall back asleep from the middle of the night puppy potty run, I spent a few moments looking at one of those "the first four words you see" puzzles.  This one was what my focus should be for 2022.  Normally, I don't put much stock in those silly things, writing them off as a trick of the mind.  This morning... crazy accurate!  

Change, connection, gratitude and alignment.  Pretty solid don't you think?

Here it is a few hours later, the puppies have been taken potty, eaten to their hearts content, and are currently playing like the little angelic devils they are. I am trying to find a few short moments to myself before breakfast is ready.  I'm making my first dish in my new air fryer/oven that Hubs got me for Christmas. It smells heavenly, although I am fairly certain, with redirecting sweet babies I am not going to finish typing before it's done. 

Yup, I was right, it's now early afternoon.  The pups and Hubs are sleeping while I fix lunch.  Since it is quiet, I am taking advantage of the moment. The peace is wonderful.  But then, so are the puppy kisses!

After a fun filled trip south we came home to the first of my Christmas surprises.  My sweet Hubs conspired with one of my dearest friends to bring me these two sweet babies.  Hubs told me no when I initially showed him the pictures.  So I moved on and started thinking that we would get a couple of puppies in a few months, maybe around springtime or so.  I fell in love with the 7 month old little white guy, but figured it was okay, there are other little ones that will steal my heart. 

Hubs has wanted baby puppies forever, so he definitely jumped in with both feet when he saw babies!  The family didn't want to part with the older puppy is my understanding, and Hubs took full advantage to have a pair of littles.  

They are adorable!  They have completely stolen my heart!  But boy oh boy is this a huge adjustment! The rhythm and flow of my world is 100% different, totally different world.  I have had puppies twice in the past 20 years, unfortunately, we lost both of them young.  It tore my heart into a million tiny bits and pieces. So I am probably being an obsessive puppy mom, but I do not want to tragically every lose a fur baby again. These two, are definitely going to keep me hopping.  

I was so excited to get five full hours of sleep before I got woken up for a potty break, that I actually woke up wondering why, fearful that something was wrong in the silence. I was the same way with my human babies too, but I was a lot younger back then.  Heck, my baby is going to be 31 in a few short weeks. It was a short moment in time before they started calling to go outside.  

I'm not the only one smitten with these little furry dynamos.  Our youngest grand, called me joyously to tell me Santa had been at her house and that we needed to hurry and come open presents.  Oh yeah, and bring the puppies!  In fact when she is home, that is pretty much the call of the day. 

I fear that I will not be writing much, although my plan was to shoot for every day in 2022.  These little ones definitely need constant attention. I am even learning to value a kennel, although I never did before.  

Well... I need to get a few things done before the babies wake up and need potty break, food and play in that order before passing out again. 

love and peace...