holding space...

I didn't write yesterday, I simply couldn't.  In fact, I'm not sure how I feel about today, but I am hoping that it will help some of the restlessness I am struggling with.  I feel out of place and time.  Not happy, not unhappy, the past few days my temper has been a bit shorter than usual, but I am fairly certain that is lack of sleep.  Out of place definitely feels like the perfect description. 

So many that I know are battling things.  Hearts are hurting.  They are losing loved ones, dear friends and family are ill or struggling. I feel helpless, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say. 

I know the standard response when someone is in that spot is to reach out to ask how can I help.  What can I do.  My sister is one of those that is on that bus right now.  Everyone is offering help, but what good is that help when you are overwhelmed and simply don't know what to even give to others to do?  

I was able to help write a small sign for their front desk today.  It seemed such a small thing, hardly a help at all, I hope it was bigger than I realize. I pray it was a small bit off her heart. I wish I knew what more to do.

What do you do you do when the pain or battle is bigger than the ability to see through the other side? It feels so shallow to offer help without being able to say what you are offering, but how do you know what the need is?  We automatically offer to cook meals or even clean, but how do we fill that hole that is there in a meaningful manner? If I was closer, I am fairly positive I would offer to go and answer phones, would I have all the answers - heck no, but I am sure most folks will be calling just to talk to hear a voice on the end of the line that can offer comfort.  Those in the thick of it aren't the ones that need to offer that comfort, they need it themselves. 

Another friend recently lost their sister, even though she'd been ill for a long while, it doesn't make it easier or better. When Hubs shared that they were simply thankful for his checking in on him it made my heart feel warm. Thankful that his heart found a meaningful way to fill the gap in his friends heart space. 

So many are struggling.  Maybe our human nature to help simply needs better definition. Maybe it is simply being that person that checks in.  The one that shows up with a coffee and a listening ear. I don't have answers, do any of us?

Last night was a very sleepless night for me.  It wasn't the person or people that I didn't know that were heavy on my heart, it was those that I love, that are a part of my life in a deeply personal way.  I am feeling disconnected, not really feeling a strong pull to be part of anything. Not really wanting to be drifting either. 

I do not care for this helpless feeling.  I tend to be a person of action.  When my sister and I chatted this morning and she told me what her game plan for the morning was, I completely understood.  I would have done the same thing.  There is something about being able to be of service in rough times, although I worry the personal cost, it's that moment in time that helps you through. 

My day will be spent puttering through today.  I will walk puppies and clean up after their multitude of messes.  I will try to find the desire to fight with the quilt that I really want to finish.  I will tidy the house after a weekend of littles playing happily.  I will continue to puppy proof. I will also spend time feeling aimless and lost.  I have friends and family that are dealing with so much and I hate feeling helpless.  "I'm sorry" seems so empty and not helpful at all.  I despise it, but I seem to have nothing better to offer. 

Most importantly I will continue sending love, light and support to those that need it.  Prayers will go up, candles will be lit and I will simply hold space for those that need it.  Maybe that is the only lesson to be learned.  To simply hold space for the healing. 

spilled dirt...

Guess there isn't going to be a beautiful sunrise today, at least not that I can see.  I'm sure that on the other side of those clouds it is breathtaking. We have storms moving in.  Bit of a double sided coin.  I cherish a good storm.  And the energy today seems to need that cleansing relief.  I also love to sit here in the peace of the morning and watch the glorious sunrises.  

When I walked out into the tree top garden this morning I was quite annoyed.  The silly squirrel caused a bit of chaos.  I was pretty darn angry with him at first.  That immediately switched to worry.  With the way the boxes had fallen my twisted little brain fully expected to look down at the bottom on the hill and see his mangled little body.  I would be devastated. I am not at all happy with his carousing through my garden pots, but I definitely didn't wish death on him. 

I must admit, the relief I felt at not finding him was ridiculous. He simply hit a road bump in his quest for food. I understand road bumps.  

I feel like I rested enough last night, the night before was simply too short. I'm not physically weary and worn today.  It just feels that the world feels a bit off.  I have a feeling today is going to need a bit more attention. As we move through this full moon and the mercury retro grade the world always feels a bit off. 

Yesterday I had decided I would finish that little hand quilted piece, I'd had to pull some of the stitches out and rethink the fabric.  It was a bit off, and I was seriously unhappy with it.  I'd hoped to bind it and be done yesterday, but the exhaustion I'd fought all day guaranteed that was not going to happen.  I have a firm rule that I will never do anything I can't undo when tired.  That means cutting fabric also. I will try to get it pinned out this morning before taking Hubs to his follow up appointment. 

I want this to be a productive day, I want to finish both of the bindings that are waiting for my attention.  One will be done on the machine the other will be done by hand.  For some insane reason I feel these need to be completed.  Then I want to put the other two quilts on the frames.  Although, I learned in my class on Sunday that I haven't been reading my batting labels close enough, and now I know I need to wash one of them before I use it.  I have never heard of such a thing.  In fact, I am fairly certain that I am going to be reading labels a lot closer after this experience.  I can also see me switching to a different brand of batting.  

Do you ever find in life that the more you learn, the less you knew? I am feeling that way about a lot of things right now.  Not really in a bad way, but in a "I seriously need to research" way. I was fairly confident in my knowledge of basics.  Now I realize there is a whole different layer of learning waiting for me.  

The class on Sunday was almost overwhelming.  I need to take time to transcribe my notes before I forget all of the information shared with me.  I am not sure how much of it would have made sense to Hubs if he had been able to attend, his sewing level is pretty basic and a bit rusty.  He might have felt far more overwhelmed than I did by the flood of new knowledge.  I am sorry he had to miss it though, I could have used a bit of his memory to help fill the holes.  You can only write so fast when you are balancing your paper in your lap. 

I think this gloomy day, might be a good time to work on that project, after I mow the grass.  

I was hoping Hubs would be feeling up to doing it, he can wipe it out in no time with his riding mower, but he was not looking too hot last night and his man cave is dark - my guess is he had another rough night of sleep and went down there to sleep on the sofa so I could rest.  While I deeply appreciate that he will do that for me, I am going to be the first to say he shouldn't.  The sofa is not comfortable to lay on, I can't imagine sleeping on it and he is simply not going to fight off this virus if he doesn't rest. 

I made a promise that I would not use the riding mower, it was not a hard one to make, I've had misgivings since we bought it.  Our property is simply too steep for my comfort level.  So I will use my trusty push mower.  It might take a bit longer, but at least I won't have to worry about tipping that dang thing over on myself. 

Transitioning from one mindset to another is definitely a big change.  I still find myself getting anxious that I only have so much allotted time. Fearful that I will not have the time needed or wanted to complete projects that are near and dear to me.  Forgetting that I have time to do all of it and I don't have to do things in a rush any longer.  I cherish having space in my life to do what fills my soul. 

My little squirrel friend is dashing through the branches overhead.  I keep catching glimpses of him.  His absolute lack of fear as he leaps from one branch to the next nearest is amazing. And a bit terrifying at the same time.  He is busy getting about his life, he didn't let the spilled flower pots upset him, he just found another source to meet his needs.  All in the space of a morning....

Well, time to sweep up the spilled soil and spend a few moments enjoying the tiny spot of sunshine that is bursting through the clouds. Time to reflect on my resources to my goals.  Might even spend a few more minutes enjoying the antics of the little chickadees that are nesting in the Harley Davidson birdhouse.  

begin...

This silence is almost deafening.  The occasional whoosh of the washer, the rain pouring down on the roofs, and the crackle of thunder and lightening is all that is breaking it. This is the first time I have ever been 100% alone in this house for two full days. 

Sweet Hubs headed out about two hours ago, he will be at the lodge until tomorrow night. A group of them are volunteering their time and skills to help get things ready for the upcoming summer. He asked me to come along, and I seriously considered it.  I love working on renovation projects, but it wasn't what my heart was calling for.  

I chose to listen to my heart. 

I wandered out on the deck to see if I could get my herbs planted this morning.  Nope, not unless I want a cold shower to go with it.  And truthfully, I don't.  I'm sort of wishing I'd skipped the nap I needed so badly yesterday and gotten everything planted.  Hopefully the rain will let up and I can get them in the pots today.  We'll see, if not well they are well watered and have been living in pots for a good while, they will be just fine. 

I managed to get a beautiful pot of cilantro, I had almost given up hope.  The garden center had everything except a decent pot of cilantro.  They had some tiny pots with a single sprig growing in the middle, definitely not enough to actually use for cooking until some time late this summer.  Ironically, Home Depot had a huge pot, just needs transplanted and we are ready to go. 

It feels odd to have so much time to do what I love and cherish.  It's been so very long.  I am feeling a bit stuck.  Not in a bad way, but definitely in an overwhelmed way. So many things have been neglected and ignored.  So much that I want to tackle and I have this urge to tackle it all at once.  I realize that is unreasonable and well... impossible... but dang I wish that magic wand I have upstairs worked. I don't think I have enough patience to wait for it all to be completed. 

So much has opened up and changed in the past week and it feels freeing and peaceful. I'm sure at some point it might become stressful, but right now, nope!  Electronic leash is cut, I am opening my heart and mind to so much that has been locked away.  

It feels like an eternity since I was able to simply be. I have always said when I retire I am putting a hot pink stripe in my hair.  I will admit I'm considering it, very seriously. I might actually do it eventually, right now I am afraid to do anything that might cause more of it to fall out.  The look of shock on my dear sweet Hubs face yesterday when I told him I was thinking about it, well, it was absolutely priceless. He almost choked on his lunch.  I have told him this for literally years, he thought I was joking. I don't know if I am. 

He pointed out to me that he'd always wanted a fifties housewife, I pointed out he probably got more of a hybrid hippie model. I don't know.  I'm more a blue jeans, over sized shirt, long hair, pioneer type gal.  Not so much high heels, pearls and perfect hair. I can play in either playground, but my heart... will always be more of a Mother Earth free spirit, than a June Cleaver perfection model.  He knew that when he married me.

This slower pace feels heavenly.  I can feel my stress levels dropping almost by the moment.  I am not sure that I am the driven woman that my inner me has always told me I am.  Having time to sit in the sunshine and work on a knitting project with tall glass of ice water yesterday felt like a vacation.  I was simply sitting in my treetop garden, not some exotic locale and it was wonderful. 

I am finding my emotional health is priceless.  The balance and grace of the day, beautiful.  I'm not sure I will spend much time connected to any electronics these next two days.  I have things I want to do and not having to have screen time is probably my favorite thing ever!

We are going to be participating in the subdivision yard sale and for the first time, I have time.  

There is so much that I would love to purge from our home.  Things that we no longer need or use.  Items that have been replaced or upgraded.  Stuff that has been hanging around in boxes and back closets - I mean come on our kids are all grown - why do I even have twin bed supplies?

There are books that served a purpose at one point in time, they no longer do.  Furniture that isn't needed and dishes that were being saved for... well who knows.  

Generally speaking, I loathe yard sales.  Hubs loves them.  So I will get it all ready and then let him tackle the "day of" stuff.  I just want my home to feel as free of clutter as I do. 

My weary soul feels like this is self-care.  It is needed. I haven't had time for a good spring cleaning in over a decade, even moving I simply boxed up the clutter and moved it on.  I am filled with joy at the prospect of cleaning it all out. 

I guess my plan for self-care these next two days has nothing to do with long baths, candles and wine... well maybe I can squeeze those in also, sure sounds inviting.  

Today, I think I will tackle the kitchen while I wait for the rain to stop and I get to spend a bit more time up in the dirt.  The thought of getting my kitchen cleaned and organized is enough to make me giddy.  I love to cook.  I hate to look for stuff. Definitely feels like a win/win. Hubs favorite thing is a home cooked meal, he is over the moon that he will start being able to enjoy those every day, a clean and organized kitchen makes it so much easier.

Well, my coffee is cold, it's time to begin.  

I'll chat with you later... please remember to always do what makes your soul feel peaceful, it's so healing.

discovery...

This 3:33 am thing is starting to get a bit strange, here I am awake and drinking coffee, I gave up on trying to fall back asleep.  I could probably go back to sleep, I usually get tired again around 5 am, but... I have to be somewhere in 3 hours and I am terribly afraid I could sleep through if I did.  So, it's hot coffee as I await the sunrise!

I am making a list in my head - soon to hit paper - I am the queen of lists and notes of the things that I want to do.  For so long they have been day dreams, a list of maybe someday and possibilities waiting to happen.  So much has been lingering, waiting for me to have time.  

Monday morning the beginning of a day of possibility. 

I love the beauty of this day, the gift of time and space.  Last night as I opened the small cabinet door in my antique phone table I felt like a small child on Christmas day.  I knew there was a partially finished project lingering in there.  A beautiful undyed natural gray alpaca yarn that I had long ago started knitting into a pair of finger-less gloves. I don't remember what delegated them to sit there in the bag the yarn came in.  I don't even remember how long it's been since I last felt the softness of the yarn in my fingers. 

I was so tired and ready for bed, but opening that bag brought back strong memories of the work and an even stronger desire to play.  Not too long ago I would have scolded myself and put it away.  I would not have given in to that pure joy.  Last night I refreshed my dusty memory of the pattern and let muscle memory take control.  About 5 rows in, I felt fulfilled and ready to rest.  I gathered it all in one of my zipper project bags, that thin plastic bag was not going to be enough to protect it as my travel project. I went up to my sewing room and found a better cable needle, one not so huge and easier to maneuver and added it to the bag as well.  I had made myself ready for today. 

Hubs has an appointment and I will be waiting for a good long bit.  I will probably complete one and start on the other, there isn't much of the right one to finish.

There is a feeling of excitement pulling on me heart.  I long to find all of my projects that have been set aside and never returned to.  It feels like the ghosts of crafts past are calling out to me.  Longing to finally be completed. When I finished the Spring Garden memory quilt over a week ago, I almost put another quilt on the frame, yep, I have that many that need attention.  I didn't because I was concerned that I would not have time to finish it before my sister-in-law came to visit.  I know that when she visits,  she will want to work on a quilt or two. She is a very talented quilter! The power of a completed project is incredible.  

Accomplishment.

These unfinished projects are battling for my attention.  Yet it isn't causing anxiety, it is bringing calm. Silently, out of the now quiet corners of my mind, I am remembering where they all are hidden.  Where they have patiently waited for me to have time. 

Not all of it is wrapped up in creating, even if I do have too many interests and hobbies, I couldn't be bored if I wanted to. I also have projects that I have longed to tackle and the time factor was never there.  When your world of "home time" is limited to two weekend days - if lucky - and all the things to prep for the week had to happen in those days, well... those bigger projects simply get shoved aside. I mean - who has the time. 

We have lived here for almost 7 years now, where has the time gone.  And there are still boxes that have never been unpacked, realistically they are probably full of things we don't need any longer as we haven't missed them in 7 years.  There are closets stuffed with items that need new homes, far away from ours.  They have been relegated to the back corners and in unused spaces.  I have longed to clean them, I was simply to selfish of any down time to tackle those things.  Too many things I have wanted to do, with too little time to do them.  

Now, I am trying to find a way to pace myself.  I want to do it all and I want it done yesterday. I am ready to jump feet first into new adventures and following dreams, and I will. I need to address this sense of incompleteness first. I need to be intentional and fully present, not distracted and off balance. 

Sweet Hubs is going out of town for a couple of days either tonight or first thing tomorrow.  I have a feeling I am going to be working on that list. I thought about scooting out of town, I decided against it.  I still have one more set of injections in my knees and don't want to risk making them stiff before I go in on Thursday.  I feel drawn to spend the time here in my beautiful home, alone.  It will be a first for me.  I have never been 100% alone in my home.  There has always been someone to care for,  husband, children, or pets.  

Two full days of eating, sleeping, playing, doing, when I want to, need to, feel like it... well that sounds very healing and intentional to me. 

Ironically, this sounds like a list of have to's, it feels like the purest definition of self care.  Clearing out the clutter externally and internally. 

I love this journey of mine.  I am so thankful that this is the time I am participating and experiencing in this great learning lab called Earth.