lazy thoughts...

What does one do on a dreary October morning?  When the sky can't decide if it is a day of rain or shine?  Well this one has her sweet hubs build her a beautiful fire, puts on a snuggly wool sweater, pours a cup of coffee liberally laced with her favorite bourbon cream and she rests. She rests my answering emails to family members, watching the sun lighten the gray sky and looks at the leaves through the picture window as they turn amazing colors.

Isn't that what one should do on a morning like this? Hubs even brought me breakfast, slices of fresh farmer's market bread lavishly spread with maple whip.  I love our farmer's market. 

Hubs and I were hoping to get a motorcycle ride along the river road.  It doesn't appear that Mother Nature wants to cooperate. The temperature is perfect, it's the possibility of rain that is keeping us home.  He's down in the man-cave, I can hear his movie, we both need some relaxation time.

I am feeling marginally better.  And a nap might be in the plan for today.  I am also longing to make some soaps, Hubs has been on a mission lately to share them with all of his friends.  I need to build my stash back up.  Besides, Christmas is coming, I need to have some for my loved ones too.  Most of what lives in my stash right now is the stuff that didn't quite work out the way it was planned and it's my home use stash.  The uglies, perfectly usable, beauty in the eye of the beholder.

I also need to find a few hours for my cooking class.  I am a bit behind.  Need to go buy a white bowl and plate, they are required to submit your cooking pictures. Figures I don't have plain white, guess I am going to the dollar store. Mine are all pretty and busy, but I understand them not wanting the dishes to take away from the overall presentation.

Does anyone else get a sense of the clock racing forward once we hit October?  I always feel that April through August drags on, fairly certain that each month has at least 45 days in it and then it starts racing as we hit first September and then OctoberNovemberDecember... like it is all one run on sentence.

All the things I planned to do, get swept up in that where did the time go momentum and I just ride the wave and hope it turns out perfectly.

Before I know it my sweet boy (he will always be my boy) and his lady will be flying in from the coast, we will have two full weeks of love, laughter, games and experiences and then they will be gone again.  I hate that they are so far and life is so busy.  I would love more than the random week or weekend with them. So hard to believe he will be entering the last year of his 20's soon,  I've missed so much of it.

I'm still digging through the family tree and keep finding treasures I didn't know existed.  I wish that I could uncover the missing pieces to Hubs tree.  I feel a bit guilty that every time I blink there is new and exciting things lingering in my own tree and on his I am still stuck! I have no idea why roots and family are so important to me.  They just are.  I think it is probably connected to being a brat and not knowing my family.  I am enjoying chatting with a cousin lately, getting to know her has been interesting and fun.  Understanding where we are similar and where we are different.  It's like watching a flower unfold. 

This lazy day is starting to look prettier and I probably should get busy.  So... clean, soap, laundry, cook... my oh my the choices and opportunities are endless, sadly I feel a nap is first on the agenda. Hubs and Neeko have already beat me in that department. I hate the beginning of the school year colds that get shared so often. I often feel that I do not have enough time for the things important to me, so losing any of that time to extra naps feels so wasteful.

The fire has died down to embers and my coffee is cold.

Time to savor the day...

the ebb and flow...

Sunrise through the trees

The hum of electricity is omnipresent.  Waking up this morning was such a stark contrast to yesterday.  Yesterday the silence was deafening.  I am fairly sure that is what woke me up.  So rarely in today's world do we truly enjoy and savor absolute silence.

The rhythmic click of the ceiling fan, slightly off balance from years of being knocked by an extended arm while getting dressed or changing sheets.  The hum, it's everywhere, the walls radiate with it.  It almost pulses, like a heart beat.

You don't notice it until it isn't there.  Then when it returns it seems obscene in the loudness of it. The coffee pot coming to life, the alarm as it starts for the day.  The pump on the aquarium.  All of it contributes to the daily rhythm and grind.

Because it was quiet yesterday, it is all more noticeable now. Life is like that too.

Hubby and I have a rhythm, a set way that things happen in our lives.  It's been just us basically for a lot of years now.  Kids flit in and out, as they go along with their lives.  A short or long visit, but just a visit all the same.

My princess... what is with the guy photo bombing?

Grand baby... what a thrill seeker...

We were blessed with company last week.  Two cousins came to town.  It changed the rhythm. Not in a bad way at all, but enough to make the silence of the two of us more noticeable when they left. Just like when the kids leave again.

Old and young... cousins just the same

Cousins

Proud Daddy getting ready to go cheer for his girl!

It was wonderful to get to know family that I hadn't previously met.  At first it was a bit awkward, like I said we'd never met.  But as family is wont to do we started visiting, putting the small pieces of commonality together until a big picture game together.  Just like a puzzle.

Prepping for Sushi

Crusin' Cousins... her first ride

Even though we had never met, even though there was apprehension on both sides, it was delightful.  My young cousin was so much fun.  We laughed over the fact that I kept struggling with what to call hubby around her.  It is rare that we are ever around any family that does not refer to him as Uncle or Grampa, simply based on his age if nothing else.  There was a fifty year age difference between those cousins, yet they bonded over the Harley.

Her Dad and I discovered a mutual enjoyment of music.  Having spent so much time in Europe, I love music with a medieval basis.  The beauty of the music with the haunting tones simply calms me.  Usually it is limited to Blackmore's Night, which is timeless and haunting, it calms my spirit and centers me.  I only have three cd's, but I cherish them.  Especially as I had the opportunity several times to see them perform live in various castles in Germany.  My cousin also likes that type of music and put together some wonderful new collections for me to enjoy.

Can't let a great photo op go to waste

After several days, with so much crammed into them that we could barely catch our breath. Hubby and I working, the cousins at the Robotics competition, the girls prom, grandson going to prom also. Conversations until late in the night, early mornings to work.  It was a crazy busy week.  And Sunday it simply stopped.

The twins... 

Grandson #1 growing up...

The silence is still noticeable.   Hubby and I are back into our rhythmic routine, the morning dawns quietly, the steady hum of the house is slowly over run by the sound of puppy nails on the tile floor, the coffee pot brewing, NPR on the radio (we've discovered the soft tones are easiest to wake up to - monotone and non-jarring).  The soft clink of coffee cups on the counter, the sounds of stretching and waking up.

A '51 model and a '52 model... I think my '52 is in better shape

That will gradually be replaced by the sound of television (hubby is addicted) and conversation and we get ready to start the day.  The rhythm will hiccup again tonight when the twins come over, but the hiccups are never for long and we slide right back into accepting what we know.

I am glad that we are comfortable together, that our life has a rhythm and flow.  In my far past I had wondered what the future without the kids always there would be like, how I would handle the constant quiet.  At that point in life, it seemed bleak and empty, like the silence of yesterday.  It seemed uncomfortable.  I was in the wrong relationship, the wrong place and time.

I know now, that this is the life I am meant to be in.  This is the steady hum and pulse.  This is the way it should be....

Family... it centers me!

Our maple last autumn

Good Morning Autumn... I knew you weren't teasing, that you had finally come to stay!  I slept so sound, I love to be chilled and snuggled up in quilts and blankets all night long (it reminds me of nights spent with Grammie and Papa long ago)!  It really sets the tone for another wonderful day!

Yesterday was so much fun for me.  Oh, I didn't do anything special at all.  At least not to some.  To me... it was amazing!

Yesterday, I curled up in my big comfy chair and worked on hats.  That is about all I physically did. Minions and zombies surrounding me.  It was the stuff that happened around me that was awesome!  My son came out and spent hours with me.  We simply talked about everything and nothing at all.  As my needle wove in and out of the fabric I was creating we talked about the changing season, world, job searches, college, jokes, talked about quirks and things that bothered us.  We talked about things we want to do and things we want to avoid.  It's been a long time since we spent hours together just chatting.

I loved it!  Ever since he was a little bitty guy, he and I have had chats like that.  I missed them terribly.  Oh we aren't solving world peace, the deficit, or creating job growth at all.  We are simply being.

Hubby was in a movie mood and found himself snuggled up on the sofa in the man cave with his pups watching old movies and relaxing.  So my boy and I took over the living room.  We watched snippets of e-gaming on my computer, the stuff they can do with computers is simply amazing! He showed me some websites he's found to help him brush up on writing code. We simply hung out together.

It was so nice to have time to do that.  During the course of our chat my fingers never stopped... four hats later it was time to fix dinner.  The spell was broken.

Over the course of the day I'd text messaged my girl, chatted with hubby, loved on my pets and simply enjoyed. It was a fulfilling day. It was topped off with an online Thirty-One party with my aunts and cousins back home.  As I have never lived back home as an adult, I can assure you that is something I never thought I would ever do.  How fun is that? It was a bit challenging for my brain by that point in the day, because each time someone would comment on a post it would pop around, I was getting dizzy!

Over the course of two days I had time to talk to family and friends all over.  As much as I cannot stand technology, I am also grateful for it.  I can see those important to me, support and be supported, talk and laugh with those too far away for that to be a daily occurrence.  It makes my world less spread out.  It makes those I love seem just a bit closer than they are. 

At one of our district retreats a couple of years back Tiff trained us on keeping our buckets filled and what did that mean to us.  I felt guilty back then, because I am sure the goal was how it applied to our careers.  Since then, I have learned that isn't who I am.  My center focus is now and always has been my family and friends.  I enjoy my career, but it is never going to be my burning passion.  That is reserved for my family and friends.  That pastor last weekend put it perfectly when he said faith, family and friends.  It truly is all I need to feel like the world is moving in a perfectly smooth direction.

I no longer feel guilty.  My bucket gets filled when I have the time to focus on what is important to me.  And it isn't about sales or retention, goals and numbers.  It's about conversations and laughter.  Its about seeing the sparkle in my not so little man's eyes when he's pulled a prank on me.  It's the laughter that I can read in my daughter's text message over a shared joke or idea.  It's having a peaceful evening sitting on the sofa with hubby eating an ice cream and watching our boys patiently wait for anything we leave.  It's my sweet grand baby telling me hello, I love and miss you when I call to check up on the grand kitty.

I need the things that are important to me, when they are in short supply I find it hard to be a happy cheerful person.  Even though I am not ready to burst that bubble of contentment, I am looking forward to heading into work today.  I have dear friends I work with that I have missed over the past week.  I need to reconnect with them before heading back away from everyone.  I need to balance my world.

Am I the only one that feels that Autumn is a time when the family reconnects?  Over summer there are trips and activities... a million different directions all at once... then as slowly as the leaves fall we start drawing back together.  Even our youngest two are finding time in their schedule for us...

The birth of a gift of love...

Completion!

I sat last night watching the final stitches go into V's brown quilt, helping her support it so the binding could be completely be attached. 

The goosebumps and pride in her accomplishment that I felt were unbelievable.  I wanted to cry.  That quilt is amazing, in more ways than one.  It will be gifted this weekend.  I know that her cousin is simply going to love it, how can she not?

Just 20 weeks ago, V had never sewn before, she was as new to quilting as you can get, and she came to the first class with a huge goal.  She was making matching quilts, full sized.  One for herself, and one a memory quilt for her cousin, made from the shirts of her husband who had just passed away in February.  All of them family reunion quilts.  How powerful is that?

I watched V recruit friends and family to help her get those t-shirts cut, the backing applied, the cutting of the squares, the cutting of the sashing and the sewing of all of it.  I watched in amazement at her tenacity to tackle something that obviously was not in her comfort zone, her determination to complete the project so evident in her face and demeanor.

Help from S as the sewing begins...

The first two squares of the sister quilt...

Each step to completing her quilt involved love, determination and community.  As it came closer to the deadline and she wasn't sure how she would get it tied and ready to gift, true to form she came up with a plan.  She is incredible at building community and she and a group of friends went on a grand adventure this past weekend... with the help of so many of those friends she got all but one square finished.

Planning the layout...

Pinning the sashing...

The message on my phone asking me to call her yesterday morning seriously excited me.  I knew it had to mean she was ready to sew the binding... I was right.  It made me so happy to assist her with those final steps, to see the final bits and pieces of love come to life.

Pinning the binding...

First side of the final steps...

clipping the threads on the final side...

 We stayed a bit later, just her and I.  I know she accomplished it, but I was very proud of her!  Her confidence growing, her skills increasing... I cannot wait to see the pictures from the actual gifting, she's promised me that she will bring some to show me.

That quilt had no connection to me yet I wanted to cry from the love that created it.  Memory quilts are powerful for me.  They connect the past with the future.  Maybe it isn't a death that brings them to life, but simply the completion of a chapter in someones life.  The final chapter of that quilt's story is so affirming of the time and love that went into the creation, a reflection of the love from the gifter to the giftee...

So Proud!!

Such a powerful night!  I can't wait for the next one...

(p.s. please forgive the incredibly poor lighting... it doesn't do the pictures of V's sparkling smile justice! Darn fluorescent lights!!!)

In like a Lion??

I am pretty sure they say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb, or the other way around, but I am not sure if the snow dusting I saw outside this morning is coming in like a lion.  If so, it might be a pretty wimpy lion.  Makes me wonder what the rest of the month will bring, only 19 more days until the official start of spring.  Cabin fever might be moving in...

Well, it would appear that I do not have my Etsy shop ready to roll.  I need to do a bit more research, Illinois has so many rules and regulations about everything that I want to make sure everything is correct.  This weekend will find me doing some in depth research.  It is definitely in the planning stages, just not quite ready, unfortunately my real job is stealing my spare time.

Last night hubby and I did a bit more research on the mid-arm/long-arm issue and we might have come up with a compromise we can both live with.  He is so afraid I am going to chicken out again, I have been doing it every year for 10 years so he might be justified in that fear.  Yeah, I know it is a confidence factor - she says smiling weakly.  We have been planning this for a long time, and every year I manage to put it off long enough that it has to wait again.  I am not sure if that is intentional... although sadly, I do believe it is.

I want to do a bit more research, I am a bit shocked that there seem to be so few companies for there to be healthy competition.  And I also want to be sure I get the best product with a strong proven track record, I am not a fan of buyers remorse.  So far I have only found two companies that make what I am looking for and that seems a bit light.  Of the two at this time I am leaning towards a Grace King Frame, not sure on the machine I want yet.  I am pretty neutral so far, I want to look into the reviews and see what actual owners are saying about both of them.  Geez, I guess you can tell where hubby gets frustrated with me, maybe I am a bit too cautious.

My cousin sent me a great link yesterday, to her blog, and it was about fear.  It was great and I think I found a lot courage in her words.  No Fear February! if you have a minute read this too!  It really made me think and is helping me to focus on my goals.   I wonder if I will enter March like a lamb and find the confidence in me to exit like a Lion??

Cousins...

I love Facebook! I don't have hundreds of friends, and I am incredibly selective about who I let on my page.  Having grown up in a military family I didn't have the luxury of having my cousins as my best friends and partners in crime.  Since I found Facebook, I have learned that sometime nature helps you develop those bonds even though you have never been close to home.

I have several cousins that I am close to, some that I talk to almost daily.  And the funny thing is, I haven't seen some of them since the late 90's or early 2000's... I don't live close to home and something always seems to get in the way of my making that trip to Erie, 11 hours by car is a long drive to me now.

It amazes me that the ones I am close to are so much like me.  Laura and I are true soul mates.  It's so hysterical when we talk, you would swear that we channel the same brain and thoughts sometimes.  I'm the oldest of our batch of cousins, she is somewhere near the youngest, but we are so much alike it is scary.  Honestly it is probably a good thing her and I live so far apart... we could be a dangerous duo if I lived any closer. Or we could end up doing something dynamic!  I know our mini-farms would be amazing and we would definitely be creating up a storm.  Her and I have been talking virtually for years.  When I went through one of the darkest times in my life she was one of my lifelines.  And nothing makes me smile quicker than when I see an IM that starts "hey Binz" as she is the only one that calls me that.  She prods and encourages me, gently pushes with persistence that is almost comical, but always with love.  It's easy to see why she chose to be a teacher.

I have also found wonderful friendships with two of my other cousins.  Actually they are second cousins (I'm not real good at keeping those things straight) they are mom's cousins, but closer in age to my younger sisters.  When I first opened my Facebook account Sheila was one of the first to find me, she is kind of a family historian, she is determined to keep it all together.  And her sister Penny, who I had briefly gotten to know on a short visit home.  My son thought she was the bees knees when we were there and talked about her for years afterwards. I always thought Aunt Jo and Uncle Charles' girls were sweet and adorable, but being so much younger I sort of put them in the same spot as my sisters, never developing friendships.

Thanks to the magic of Facebook, I have gotten to know them as adults, and I feel so blessed to have them in my life. A few years back when my son was a freshman at UIUC, I was playing taxi for friends and instead of making the 6 hour round trip twice I invested in a hotel.  I had told Sheila I would be in Urbana and that maybe we could meet half way or something, she lives outside of Indianapolis a short distance away.  Luckily she was free, and we managed to find a Denny's in a little town in the middle.  I don't remember how long we sat there, talking and reconnecting, but I know we were there through lunch and dinner.  We discovered so many things that connect us, we have the same deep rooted need to craft and create and we love our children to distraction.

Penny is another friendship that is being born again.  We chat about the most obscure things.  Gardening, canning, children, memories, etc.  She is another one that seems to have the same DNA stream that I do.  She is a busy mom, but we still find time to chat occasionally, share ideas, and rejoice in small victories.

I have a lot of cousins, I lost track somewhere of the total number.  And I love that I can talk to so many of them and realize how much we share.  I read the things posted by some them and realize that we are more alike than different.  I can see the delicate thread that binds us all... I like it... I love those family connections!

Maybe I will see some of them this year, that would be amazing!  The next generations of cousins are being born... makes me wonder how their relationships will be... will time and distance damage or strengthen them.

Thank you Facebook, for helping me reconnect with my family!  No matter how far away I am my heart is always with my family no matter where they are... and I will always call myself an Erie girl!