the inside voice...

Yikes, the sun is already blasting through the window. I have been way too busy with everything else this morning, time has definitely gotten away from me.  Oddly, it feels refreshing though.  I've been chatting with friends both local and across the pond. I spent time drinking coffee and wrapping presents with the Hubs and planning some time and events with friends.  I would definitely say I haven't wasted the last four hours, I simply can't believe how fast the time has gone. 

It feels odd for the fireplace to be empty this morning, even though the wood is stacked in front of it, but I have too much to do that can't be accomplished in front of the fire. I asked Hubs to not build one.  I have a few more gifts that must be wrapped so they are ready to mail today, I'm simply not trusting the mail service.  Some days its super reliable, other's... I think they route it via China and back.  Better safe than sorry.

Today, will find me mostly hanging out in my sewing room, I promised a friend a quilt and I need to get with it.  It isn't going to take a lot of time, but it will take all the time in the world if I don't get with it. As I was chatting with her yesterday it dawned on me how very soon the holidays will sneak up on us.  

I have photographed all of the projects to add to my website.  It's not going to happen anytime soon, because I am swamped at the moment, frankly I'm planning ahead for 2022.  So now everything can be wrapped, labeled and marked off of my holiday list.  And the dreaded to - do list.  

I was watching a video last night, it's theme has popped up in different forms for me a lot lately and I believe that it's time for me to hear the words and learn them.  The theme is that "no one is coming".  I guess that could be negative if that were the entire context, but it isn't.  

No one is coming to make me do the things I want and need to do with my life.  And I feel I am not the only one that is subconsciously waiting for that someone to show up and force me to... well adult. 

No one is making me shower and get dressed daily, I will admit to getting wrapped up in my projects and forgetting to do that.  Realizing at 3 pm or later that I am still happily roaming my house in my pj's, deeply engrossed in whatever got my attention that morning.  Also realizing that when I get up, shower, put on clothing and face the day head on that I am more energetic and focused. The dangers of not working outside the house any longer.

No one is going to make me do my exercises that will help me heal.  And by heal I am not simply referring to my knee, but to my whole body.  The body that suffered a great deal from my previous lifestyle.  And those exercises don't just heal the body, but they lift you up mentally and emotionally.  I find that when Hubs is too busy to walk, that I am easily self-enticed to not go on my own.  The truth is no one can give me that motivation, it has to be internal. 

No one is showing up to force me to make good and healthy food choices, I do that myself.  For many years I didn't.  Too busy, too distracted, too... well you get the picture. I also do some of it for Hubs, but it is entirely up to him if he is going to follow through and make those choices for himself. 

No one is going to show up and create my business plan and my website, I have to.  These are my dreams that are on the line, no one else. Hubs can support and influence, but I have to be the lead.

This line of reasoning can apply to most everything in our lives... careers, finances, relationships, spirituality, knowledge, pretty much any goal that you set for yourself it comes down to you. Sure you can pay someone to do the surface stuff, but beyond that it's you. 

So you can see where I am going with this right?  Subconsciously, it is easy to fall into routines.  It is easy to decide that this or that can wait.  To feel like big things won't feel so big if you don't think about them for a while.  When the reality is, they not only stay big, but get bigger when you ignore them.  When you wait for someone or something to step in and do the big things. The tough things.  I believe a lot of times we as humans are simply uncomfortable with the silence that has to surround the resolve to create change. We are uncomfortable stepping into the unknown, so we sit in the comfort of the known. All the while waiting for that shove from someone else. When the true solution is we, ourselves, show up. 

Like I said this keeps showing up for me in many forms.  I firmly believe that the universe is trying to get me to stop and think things through.  To encourage me to take control of situations and move it forward. So many little bits are already coming together.  I am trying to tackle them all like one would eat the proverbial elephant, one bite at a time.  I am finding by breaking things into smaller pieces I am able to see the bigger pictures without pushing myself back into that "comfort zone" out of fear of the unknown. 

Anyone else feeling they need to become more self-sufficient?  Because I feel like that is what it is telling me.  I am not a Nike fan, never have been, but there old ad campaign of "Just do It" sure seems to apply here. 

Motivation can only be self-driven.  I'm choosing to lean into self... and with that I'm off to get back to "work".

love and peace...

June...

May's last sunset.

A full month has gently drifted by.  It was filled with myriad feelings and thoughts.  As the month wound down I discovered that even going into a Mercury retrograde, that the majority of feelings were relief, calm and joy. Things that I had been depriving myself of for far too long. I do miss some my friends that I was used to seeing daily.  That daily connection was incredible. 

As I move into this new month, I am joyful, calm, relaxed and full of hope and optimism.   I woke up at 4:45, although I allowed myself to linger in that zone of not really sleep not really awake, processing through thoughts, feelings, plans, my to do list and what felt like a million other things until a voice very forcefully in my head yelled GET UP! I jumped out of bed, it was the strangest feeling.  I told myself before laying down last night, that I needed to be up by 5:30 am to give Hubs his haircut.  Seems my inner voice was a bit impatient with my laziness this morning. 

I am setting my intention for June to be the month I get it together.  I will load quilts on the long arm, I will develop my routine, and start taking those full steps forward!  I spent May sorting through the past, it had to be done.  Not all of it is finished, but enough that I feel accomplished. I did the clearing I needed - both mentally and physically.  June is the month of ground work and starting.  During this moment in time, it is good to simply learn and plan.  Explore the different ideas and thoughts and start to lay the ground work.  I need to be ready and able to initiate my plans by the end of the month. 

Strange thoughts, but I do believe in the power of this retrograde and I will not put anything important into play until it is over.  I read a very interesting article last night and it said for the next 23 or so days to put "re" in front of any action steps and spend the time doing things like review, rethink, recreate... you get the idea.  That resonated so strongly for me.  I feel I am in a phase of learning self-love and compassion.  Considering for the 3rd time in a row I have drawn the card connected to that. 

When you ask for guidance and that is what you get consistently, it is time to listen!

This is the month to do my research, gather my data, make my concrete plans and be ready to start.  It's also time to work on that darn routine.  I will be far more successful as a human when I have a routine, I need the structure or I go off into a strange spiral where nothing gets accomplished.  I guess it has a great deal to do with the fact that I have worked for others for over 40 years of my life.  

I know my inner voice is anxious for structure, because for the past few days I have found myself thinking "Monday's should be laundry and linens... Tuesdays..." etc... for home based chores.  And at other times, planning mentally when my optimal times are for working on various projects. My inner guidance is ready I do believe. 

Either that or it is simply reminding me that left unsupervised, i.e. using a list, I will spend all of my time lost in my sewing and crafting rooms.  Sweet Hubs will starve and run around without clean clothes. I know this is a fact as I currently have 4 or 5 projects in some stage of progress.  Planned, cut out, waiting for attention, almost complete or simply a day dream in my head that I am working through.  I need to stop browsing quilt patterns... they are a bit addictive. 

I am bouncing around a bit this morning, so it is time to focus in and get things done!  I can't play until the chores are done, and my fingers are aching to play!

begin...

This silence is almost deafening.  The occasional whoosh of the washer, the rain pouring down on the roofs, and the crackle of thunder and lightening is all that is breaking it. This is the first time I have ever been 100% alone in this house for two full days. 

Sweet Hubs headed out about two hours ago, he will be at the lodge until tomorrow night. A group of them are volunteering their time and skills to help get things ready for the upcoming summer. He asked me to come along, and I seriously considered it.  I love working on renovation projects, but it wasn't what my heart was calling for.  

I chose to listen to my heart. 

I wandered out on the deck to see if I could get my herbs planted this morning.  Nope, not unless I want a cold shower to go with it.  And truthfully, I don't.  I'm sort of wishing I'd skipped the nap I needed so badly yesterday and gotten everything planted.  Hopefully the rain will let up and I can get them in the pots today.  We'll see, if not well they are well watered and have been living in pots for a good while, they will be just fine. 

I managed to get a beautiful pot of cilantro, I had almost given up hope.  The garden center had everything except a decent pot of cilantro.  They had some tiny pots with a single sprig growing in the middle, definitely not enough to actually use for cooking until some time late this summer.  Ironically, Home Depot had a huge pot, just needs transplanted and we are ready to go. 

It feels odd to have so much time to do what I love and cherish.  It's been so very long.  I am feeling a bit stuck.  Not in a bad way, but definitely in an overwhelmed way. So many things have been neglected and ignored.  So much that I want to tackle and I have this urge to tackle it all at once.  I realize that is unreasonable and well... impossible... but dang I wish that magic wand I have upstairs worked. I don't think I have enough patience to wait for it all to be completed. 

So much has opened up and changed in the past week and it feels freeing and peaceful. I'm sure at some point it might become stressful, but right now, nope!  Electronic leash is cut, I am opening my heart and mind to so much that has been locked away.  

It feels like an eternity since I was able to simply be. I have always said when I retire I am putting a hot pink stripe in my hair.  I will admit I'm considering it, very seriously. I might actually do it eventually, right now I am afraid to do anything that might cause more of it to fall out.  The look of shock on my dear sweet Hubs face yesterday when I told him I was thinking about it, well, it was absolutely priceless. He almost choked on his lunch.  I have told him this for literally years, he thought I was joking. I don't know if I am. 

He pointed out to me that he'd always wanted a fifties housewife, I pointed out he probably got more of a hybrid hippie model. I don't know.  I'm more a blue jeans, over sized shirt, long hair, pioneer type gal.  Not so much high heels, pearls and perfect hair. I can play in either playground, but my heart... will always be more of a Mother Earth free spirit, than a June Cleaver perfection model.  He knew that when he married me.

This slower pace feels heavenly.  I can feel my stress levels dropping almost by the moment.  I am not sure that I am the driven woman that my inner me has always told me I am.  Having time to sit in the sunshine and work on a knitting project with tall glass of ice water yesterday felt like a vacation.  I was simply sitting in my treetop garden, not some exotic locale and it was wonderful. 

I am finding my emotional health is priceless.  The balance and grace of the day, beautiful.  I'm not sure I will spend much time connected to any electronics these next two days.  I have things I want to do and not having to have screen time is probably my favorite thing ever!

We are going to be participating in the subdivision yard sale and for the first time, I have time.  

There is so much that I would love to purge from our home.  Things that we no longer need or use.  Items that have been replaced or upgraded.  Stuff that has been hanging around in boxes and back closets - I mean come on our kids are all grown - why do I even have twin bed supplies?

There are books that served a purpose at one point in time, they no longer do.  Furniture that isn't needed and dishes that were being saved for... well who knows.  

Generally speaking, I loathe yard sales.  Hubs loves them.  So I will get it all ready and then let him tackle the "day of" stuff.  I just want my home to feel as free of clutter as I do. 

My weary soul feels like this is self-care.  It is needed. I haven't had time for a good spring cleaning in over a decade, even moving I simply boxed up the clutter and moved it on.  I am filled with joy at the prospect of cleaning it all out. 

I guess my plan for self-care these next two days has nothing to do with long baths, candles and wine... well maybe I can squeeze those in also, sure sounds inviting.  

Today, I think I will tackle the kitchen while I wait for the rain to stop and I get to spend a bit more time up in the dirt.  The thought of getting my kitchen cleaned and organized is enough to make me giddy.  I love to cook.  I hate to look for stuff. Definitely feels like a win/win. Hubs favorite thing is a home cooked meal, he is over the moon that he will start being able to enjoy those every day, a clean and organized kitchen makes it so much easier.

Well, my coffee is cold, it's time to begin.  

I'll chat with you later... please remember to always do what makes your soul feel peaceful, it's so healing.

discovery...

This 3:33 am thing is starting to get a bit strange, here I am awake and drinking coffee, I gave up on trying to fall back asleep.  I could probably go back to sleep, I usually get tired again around 5 am, but... I have to be somewhere in 3 hours and I am terribly afraid I could sleep through if I did.  So, it's hot coffee as I await the sunrise!

I am making a list in my head - soon to hit paper - I am the queen of lists and notes of the things that I want to do.  For so long they have been day dreams, a list of maybe someday and possibilities waiting to happen.  So much has been lingering, waiting for me to have time.  

Monday morning the beginning of a day of possibility. 

I love the beauty of this day, the gift of time and space.  Last night as I opened the small cabinet door in my antique phone table I felt like a small child on Christmas day.  I knew there was a partially finished project lingering in there.  A beautiful undyed natural gray alpaca yarn that I had long ago started knitting into a pair of finger-less gloves. I don't remember what delegated them to sit there in the bag the yarn came in.  I don't even remember how long it's been since I last felt the softness of the yarn in my fingers. 

I was so tired and ready for bed, but opening that bag brought back strong memories of the work and an even stronger desire to play.  Not too long ago I would have scolded myself and put it away.  I would not have given in to that pure joy.  Last night I refreshed my dusty memory of the pattern and let muscle memory take control.  About 5 rows in, I felt fulfilled and ready to rest.  I gathered it all in one of my zipper project bags, that thin plastic bag was not going to be enough to protect it as my travel project. I went up to my sewing room and found a better cable needle, one not so huge and easier to maneuver and added it to the bag as well.  I had made myself ready for today. 

Hubs has an appointment and I will be waiting for a good long bit.  I will probably complete one and start on the other, there isn't much of the right one to finish.

There is a feeling of excitement pulling on me heart.  I long to find all of my projects that have been set aside and never returned to.  It feels like the ghosts of crafts past are calling out to me.  Longing to finally be completed. When I finished the Spring Garden memory quilt over a week ago, I almost put another quilt on the frame, yep, I have that many that need attention.  I didn't because I was concerned that I would not have time to finish it before my sister-in-law came to visit.  I know that when she visits,  she will want to work on a quilt or two. She is a very talented quilter! The power of a completed project is incredible.  

Accomplishment.

These unfinished projects are battling for my attention.  Yet it isn't causing anxiety, it is bringing calm. Silently, out of the now quiet corners of my mind, I am remembering where they all are hidden.  Where they have patiently waited for me to have time. 

Not all of it is wrapped up in creating, even if I do have too many interests and hobbies, I couldn't be bored if I wanted to. I also have projects that I have longed to tackle and the time factor was never there.  When your world of "home time" is limited to two weekend days - if lucky - and all the things to prep for the week had to happen in those days, well... those bigger projects simply get shoved aside. I mean - who has the time. 

We have lived here for almost 7 years now, where has the time gone.  And there are still boxes that have never been unpacked, realistically they are probably full of things we don't need any longer as we haven't missed them in 7 years.  There are closets stuffed with items that need new homes, far away from ours.  They have been relegated to the back corners and in unused spaces.  I have longed to clean them, I was simply to selfish of any down time to tackle those things.  Too many things I have wanted to do, with too little time to do them.  

Now, I am trying to find a way to pace myself.  I want to do it all and I want it done yesterday. I am ready to jump feet first into new adventures and following dreams, and I will. I need to address this sense of incompleteness first. I need to be intentional and fully present, not distracted and off balance. 

Sweet Hubs is going out of town for a couple of days either tonight or first thing tomorrow.  I have a feeling I am going to be working on that list. I thought about scooting out of town, I decided against it.  I still have one more set of injections in my knees and don't want to risk making them stiff before I go in on Thursday.  I feel drawn to spend the time here in my beautiful home, alone.  It will be a first for me.  I have never been 100% alone in my home.  There has always been someone to care for,  husband, children, or pets.  

Two full days of eating, sleeping, playing, doing, when I want to, need to, feel like it... well that sounds very healing and intentional to me. 

Ironically, this sounds like a list of have to's, it feels like the purest definition of self care.  Clearing out the clutter externally and internally. 

I love this journey of mine.  I am so thankful that this is the time I am participating and experiencing in this great learning lab called Earth. 

 

healing...

... wow, it has been a very long time since I have written. I just haven't had it in my heart.  There was no room for much of anything as I navigated my thoughts, feelings, emotions and concerns. 

So much has happened in 2020.  It's been full of chaos, uncertainty, fear, anger and so many other things. I have been learning, growing and expanding my own consciousness. I have been silent on social media, in life, I have had very little contact that was required for me to exist. 

I am healing.  I am not the same person I was when I started this year.  Many things that were important... they no longer matter. That doesn't mean the people don't. Slowly I am adding people and things back into my bubble.  I am just being very careful as to how I do that. 

Yesterday started my 55th journey.  

So much has changed.  So many things are different.  My lens has changed.  Dramatically.  One of the reason's I haven't written.  I am still processing my thoughts, studies, the information I am weeding through. No one needed to be completely part of that process.  My poor hubs has probably felt I am a bit off my rocker, but in true Hubs fashion has followed the path and journey with me. 

I am filled with love and hope for our world, I am grateful for the amazing people that are traveling on my journey with me.  I firmly believe that God brings you the people you need when you need them most.  I am blessed by many.  Grateful for their love, energy, thoughts and prayers.  

2020... You are definitely a year to remember.  I am not sure that I will continue this blog. It may have run its course and filled it's place in my life, I am still working through it.  In fact I am considering a different platform... a new journey. I haven't decided.  I am still working through this portion of who I am and the journey that I wish to continue.  To me 55 is a bigger milestone than 50 was.  It's a turning point in my head. 

This morning as I prepared to return to work, I found myself choosing to wear colors that are completely not me.  My daughter gave me a beautiful dress that I would have never bought myself.  I am loving the light and airiness of it.  The colors and style are liberating.  I'm definitely not wearing my signature black.  It was a choice.  I like it. 

I needed these 5 days of nothingness.  I feel refreshed and ready for this moment.  Not excited about the a/c situation awaiting me, but... 

Thank you all for being a part of my journey.  Thank you for filling those holes in my life when I have needed it.  And thank you for allowing me to be your bridge when you weren't able to do it yourself. 

I am not promising that I will be back.  I am still deep in prayer and meditation about where my journey is going. But I will completely keep you in my heart forever, regardless where this journey takes me... 

preparing...

Woke up a couple of hours ago to a message.  The kids were getting ready to board their flight home. They are on their way.  I'm so excited to see them and to celebrate Christmas with them today.  And at the same time I am feeling guilty.  I know they will be terribly jet lagged and I will be surprised to hear that the mini one slept much, meaning mommy won't get much sleep either.

And yet, I got up super early to prepare for our Christmas celebration.  I mean not that being home or any gift I have under the tree can compare to a trip to Germany and Amsterdam for Christmas, but... for me it will be the perfect Christmas wrap up!

I have a few errands to run and a few things to do today.  My oldest grand daughter text me a request for help and of course you know that I will make sure she gets all she needs.  I have a few presents still waiting to be wrapped.  I guess I could have done them when I was wrapping everything else, but honestly I was tired and knew it could wait, so... it waited.

I think my on-going theme for the balance of this year is that things can wait.  I am in no hurry to do anything, and honestly it feels like heaven! I'm spending more time enjoying things and less time being stressed about things I cannot control. It is amazing.  I wonder where I would have been mentally earlier in the year if I had taken the opportunity to do this.  I don't think I was in the right place to do this earlier.  Too many moving parts, too much that couldn't be put on hold.

I am a firm believer that there is a time and place for everything.  I definitely believe this is the time for this.

It's quiet, I know Hubs is up in his man cave, but he hasn't wandered to the main floor and I've been to busy to wander down the stairs yet, I will do that shortly.  But not right now.  Right now, I am feeling deja vu.  Kind of like that weird movie Groundhog Day.  I am sitting in the same spot, bathed in Christmas lights and candlelight, drinking my coffee and typing away.  I don't hear the wind chimes today, it's still out, the front that was rushing through yesterday dropping our temperatures has moved on. 

I spent a portion of yesterday completely phone free.  I was trying to get the Fitbit app to update.  I have reached the point I do not care if it ever updates!  Two full days of trying has me feeling less in love and more in hate with the stupid electronic tracker. But the time spent without a phone was almost magical.

Silly, I know, but it reminded me of years gone by.  Hard to believe as a teen we didn't even have a house phone much less cell phones, they were still a decade or more in the future.  If we needed to talk to someone we walked to the Bundespost (to use the phone if the person we wanted to reach had one) or to their house.  If they wanted to talk to me, they walked to see me.  There was none of this instant contact stuff. We also didn't have email.  It was slower, it was softer, life was far more balanced.

In fact stuff waited.

I got a little frazzled last night I was looking at the status of the update and checking the status of my kids' flight before I went to sleep and made the mistake of looking at my work email because those annoying little numbers were showing at the top of the screen. So I gave in and looked. 

I wished I hadn't immediately.  Everyone knows I am on vacation.  This year, I have desperately earned it. And yet there were emails asking me to take care of things and when I didn't reply, an exasperated one saying never mind I will have someone else do it. The someone else could have done it all along.  Why was it necessary to reach out to me?

The frazzled part was in the remembering that slower time and how we used to respect people's time away from work.  I can't remember which country, but I read not too long ago that there is a country that has said that expecting responses to emails after hours was basically illegal. Now I don't want to make technology go away, and there are times that it is critical to be able to do the things that we do.  And then there are times that it most definitely is not.  I think that is where I am at.  That line between the two is far too blurred.

I cherish that my daughter was able to send me a simple message that they were on their way home.  I hate that mundane things have been elevated to emergency status.  There are moments any more that I want to check out of the rat race.  Because the truth is the rats are winning. And I am finding that the more I return to a life of less, the happier and more well balanced I am.

Yesterday I finished the scarf Hubs asked for.  In case you hadn't guessed those pictures of yarn and knitting were the progress.  I started it on Tuesday as we headed south.  I finished it curled up in my favorite chair yesterday. Lost in thought as each stitch slid across the needles. I bounced between making lists in my head of gifts that have been languishing in my dreams for the people I love, plans for the future, and simple counting 1, 2, 3... as the hand spun alpaca slid softly across those warm wooden needles.  The fact that I spun that alpaca wool making it all the more precious to me.

Yesterday, cut off from instant communication, I found time to be more present.  I found myself enjoying the comfortable silence with Hubs that was uninterrupted. And I found myself thinking and dreaming more.

I was daydreaming about what 2019 could hold.  And making a plan to realize those dreams.  For years I have been planning a few of the things in my head.  Wait maybe not planning, because when you follow a plan things happen, so maybe just dreaming about them.  I am actually working on a plan now.

I'm sorting through the life I have, I'm looking at things through a clearer lens.  Balance has become imperative for me. If I don't find it, I will lose me and I'm not willing to do that. I'm weighing out friendships, hobbies, belongings, what I spend my hours doing and how to do them better.  I'm looking through what is important to me and what truly is not and evaluating why allow each part that is unimportant to even exist in my world.

I'm not ready to share it, it's still an embryo, but each day it is growing. 

For now, it's time to finish up the chores, wrap those last few gifts, plan a nourishing dinner and simply enjoy the day.  My babies are closer to home, according to the flight status they are just clearing the coast of Canada.

Soon...

change...

The sun is just starting to peek above the trees.  It's promising to be a hot and sunny day, radically different from the rains and storms of yesterday.  I honestly could handle another day like yesterday, we simply don't have enough of those. And personally I thrive on a dark, dreary stormy day. 

Hubs is getting ready to go to work.  One of his branches is having a work day.  I have told him repeatedly to go easy, but knowing Hubs, he won't. One can hope. 

Today my should's and wanna's are fighting one another.  I know mentally, I need a "me" day.  I need to rest, reset and maybe just make some soap all day.  I'm trying to sort out how to make all the bits line up frankly.  I have work chores, home chores and wanna enjoy life activities.  And sadly, the same 24 hours as everyone else.

I've already done a couple of the chores, yes it's not even 7 am, yes I might be crazy. So I feel ultimately I will do a little on all of them.  A bit of a mix and match to make the most of the few hours Hubs will be gone.  

But first I am stealing a few precious moments to simply relax, write and drink my hot coffee while watching the sun creep up.  I know that I will need to mow early today - another long stretch of heat warnings starts at noon.  And I am not at all about to give myself a heat stroke mowing that darn hill. 

I'm starting to balance out.  I am starting to feel excitement to starting my new role.  It's like when I was a military kid/spouse and we got our new assignment.  A new "required opportunity".  Initially, it was traumatic - hmmm wonder how many military dependents suffer PTSD - anyway... that first week or two was so traumatic, you had to leave your home, your friends, your work, your school, your city, your state and sometimes even your country.  It was always heartbreaking.  Then before you knew it, a bit of time had passed, you'd mourned and grieved.  And somewhere along the way, you started to explore information about where you were headed.  What it was like, the people, the weather, the culture.  You read books, watched shows, sorry it was pre-internet so there was no Google... you found maps, pictures, anything that connected you.  Sometimes as a military kid you got a pen pal, that was always fun.  While working on transitioning, there was a ready made friend waiting, sometimes it didn't work out quite that way. 

I'm a couple of weeks away from where I was when I found out I was moving.  I've been to a few meetings.  I've walked around and met a few frontline staff.  There are a few that I know.  I smiled when I saw my old pool table, sitting proudly in the youth lobby.  It's not a new Y for me, I started there as a volunteer what seems like a lifetime ago.  Much has changed since those days. It will be different. 

Yet, as I am wrapping up my life at my beloved MX, I am starting to feel the excitement, the desire to set up my office (although I have asked for a different color of paint - bold colors are a bit stressful for me). I am starting to dip my toes in.  I am starting to transition.  I've even caught myself more than once saying "my" or "our" when referring to the new Y.  I have faith that my replacement will take care of my building and I am working on learning as much as I can about where I am going.  While at the same time focusing on closing all of the chapters of where I have been. 

I've relied on tarot cards, prayers, friends and family to reassure myself that this is a good thing.  My girl, who is always up for change of any kind cannot believe I was so stressed and not eagerly excited.  My boy, who is much more like me, understands.  Hubs is just excited I'm going to his old building I think. 

Me... I'm getting there...

In the meantime, there are budgets, presentations, and reports at work, at home there are carpets to clean, laundry, cars to vacuum and seats to extract, dusting and tidying abounds.  And then on the wanna do, there are multiple bars of soap needing to be made, there is alpaca wool to be spun, quilts to put on the frame and sooner or later I might actually clean and unpack my sewing room.  There are dreams of projects that will have to wait just a bit longer.  

Has life always been this busy and complicated, or have I allowed it to sort of accumulate? 

diabetes...

Just over two years ago Hubs and I embarked on a journey that was important to him.  I was not impressed, in fact I was a bit upset.  I am definitely not a joiner - and he insisted I become a joiner.  It was a small group.  An intimate setting and a calm environment.  It was not something I wanted to do, but out of love for him and because I'd just received the results of my annual physical and been diagnosed as pre-diabetic (something I am not even sure I shared with hubs) I agreed.

Initially we did fantastic, then things like Hubs hurting his back, me taking on a huge task at my Y (I mean if you consider closing a 93 year old Y and opening a new one a huge task.  I might just be being a wimp). But for 6 months we were hitting all of our bench marks, we lost that first initial 7% in no time at all.  Between the two of us we'd lost in excess of 70 pounds, both of us were in a much better place physically.

Then life happened.  In the hustle and bustle of living we lost the energy and focus.  We'd gone back to survival mode and the standard American diet (SAD - how ironic).  It was easier in our state of exhaustion to ignore all those hard earned lessons, settle down with a pizza and beer and relax after a hard day of work.

Fast forward...

That's how we've been living life.  Deep down knowing what needs to happen, ignoring it.  I had wanted so badly to share my new found knowledge, becoming a lifestyle coach and helping other's just like me over come bad habits was something burning deep in my soul.  Unfortunately, the training was all happening at the time that work was particularly overwhelming.  I was a brand new exec with a LOT to learn just in my new role, top that off with opening a new Y... yep you guessed it pure chaos, unrelenting stress and no time for anything! In the midst of all of it that burning fire, became an ember always there, but kind of shuffled down deep.

It was still a goal, but it had to wait.  There was time.

Then January came... and Dad started the final few months of his life.  I'm not going to dig back through it, it's too painful and I am not strong enough to walk through each moment again. The jagged edges of the memories are still too sharp.

My Dad was a diabetic.  It isn't directly what killed him.  His heart tearing is what did that. But the diabetes made it that much harder to treat him, heal him, save him.  And we all know they weren't able to save him.  I wish I could say that physically the last almost decade of my Dad's life was easy and enjoyable.  It wasn't. He died way too early.  No the smoking didn't help, and the stroke was definitely not conducive to a healthy life.  But that damn diabetes is truly what stole him from us. 

Every day he had to stick himself multiple times.  Things he enjoyed were stolen from him.  He suffered from many of the ailments that diabetes brings. 

He suffered.

He had type 2 Diabetes.  Who knows if he was predisposed to getting it or if a lifetime of choices led him there.  I'm not a doctor, nor was I intimately aware of his medical state. 

As I started to come out of my shock of losing him, if that is something you can truly come out of. Or maybe it was just coming to terms with it.  I realized that I was pushing myself back into that same dark hole I'd struggled to crawl out of almost two years earlier.

In the hurt and disbelief I quit caring if dinner involved high fat, highly processed food and a bottle of wine.  Sugar became my friend again.  I simply didn't have the energy or the desire to care. I was heading down a path of destruction.

Hubs had stopped walking before I did and had sadly gained back enough of what he'd lost that he is once again fighting a bulging/herniated disk. Pain shooting down his legs.  Me?  My knee was failing again, my clothes were getting snug, my energy level was almost non-existent and I was getting dangerously depressed.

As I was sliding down this hill, praying for guidance and hope, things kept popping up to shore me up.  Some I saw and ignored, some I saved and ignored.  I wasn't ready to face any of it.  It was easier to ignore it. To plaster a smile on my face and pretend.

Shortly after Daddy's service and the arrival of my ring, two things that dearly changed my life, I felt the fog start to lift. 

I started wanting to join humanity again.

I got an email asking if I had any staff that would be interested in coaching the YMCA Diabetes Prevention Program... duh... me!  I reached out again to ask if I could possibly get certified.  It's not a a position that execs usually strive for.... YES! The sweetest word I could imagine was the reply.

I was a nervous wreck.  Yes I run a Y, of course I don't take or make time to take care of myself, and I am not a health and wellness professional - those are the people I hire.  I am the business manager.  Plain and simple. And I had gained almost 25 pounds since the beginning of the year.  Seriously?  What on earth was I thinking??

I completed all my pre-reqs, took the course, felt like the odd duck in the room.  I'm not young, fit, nor am I a nutrition specialist.  The youngsters in the room were damn intimidating! In fact when it came time to present - I seriously thought I was going to either pass out or throw up.  And of course I drew the last straw - literally.  I was the final presenter.  Figured. Nothing like having the entire day to worry about failing!!

Over lunch I remember giving myself a serious talking to.  I remember spending a bit of time focusing.  Realizing that what I lacked in book smarts and poise I more than made up for in true life experiences.  And most importantly - it mattered deeply to me.  On a very personal level.

Even now as I look at my ring that contains my Dad's ashes - the one that is on my finger when I am awake, I know that I made the perfect choice. The other day I was looking through my emails, catching up from being on vacation.  Buried in the update folder was one from Y-USA.  I am officially certified as a YDPP lifestyle coach.  I did it! 

I've been processing it for a few days. Holding it in my heart like a treasure.  Because the first thing that happened was that it made me cry.  The second thing that happened is that it scared me all over again.  I am sure the first class will terrify me!  I hate being unsure of myself. But deep inside I know that I can help someone else - myself included - not suffer the fate my Dad did.

Hubs and I have started our own health journey over again.  Almost 2 years to the day.  He's doing better than I am - darn men!  But we've both already made huge strides.  He also watched diabetes take his father from him. Pain is a strong motivator for change. Mental and physical.

I'm able to do more working out than he is.  That back is still wearing him down.  I walk again.  Not as much as I'd love to, I definitely took advantage of the beautiful weather and paths in California and I am trying to be intentional about it again now that I am home.  The heat and humidity in this state have me LONGING for the temperate climate of California.  And I am taking advantage of being the leader at the most modern Y in the city and finally making time to participate.  We are transitioning to a very whole food plant based diet.  It's helping us both.

I don't want to lose any more to diabetes.  I want to stop that devil. 

I know that pride is one of the seven deadly sins.  But I am proud of myself for overcoming my own fears, for taking the chance.  I wasn't alone.  My Dad was with me.  Each time I felt like I would rather just go back to my branch and do my own job, I could almost hear him, "you done good baby".  I could hear the last time that he'd told me how proud he was of me and all I had accomplished. Not even a year ago...

My journey is changing daily.  My focus is still scattered.  I feel torn in a million directions.  In fact I feel shattered.  And like some silly kaleidoscope I think my pieces are coming back together in a completely different, but still uniquely beautiful design.

Hugging my son last week, laughing with my daughter and grands, having my amazing husband to share my life with... accomplishing one of my goals and stepping more frequently out of my comfort zone.  These things are solidifying my journey...

Now to get back to working on developing the courage for the next steps...

tuning in...

I'm awake.

Sitting in my sitting room in my favorite blue chair.  Gator has been a barking fool this morning, evidently loving the sound of his own powerful deep voice.  He woke up in puppy mode.  At first I was snarly.  I was exhausted, I didn't sleep well last night and had finally fallen deeply asleep to be woken up.

I was snarly at the noise that stirred me, snarly at my sweet Hubs that hadn't taken him for a walk to allow me to sleep.  I do that for him when he's exhausted and in my initial moments awake that was all I could think of.

I heard a phrase yesterday that I cannot get out of my head.  "We're all tuned into WIFM. What's in it for me."  That is where I was.  I am fairly certain I snarled down the stairs to let Hubs know I was going to walk Gator.  It hadn't entered penetrated my self fogged self yet that there was no way he could hear my sweet bucket mouth talking on the main floor over the show he was engrossed in.

I only semi-listened to him telling me about this incredibly interesting program he found on Netflix.  He was deeply engrossed and hadn't heard Gator.  He was tuned into WIFM also.

As we walked and I listened to the birds and watched my boy bouncing along like he was 2 again I realized that neither of us was really aware of how the other was feeling at that moment in time.  We hadn't done anything to hurt or neglect the other intentionally.  How often do these things happen?  Not just in our relationships, but also in our daily lives.

I always try to look at the other person's perspective.  When I get cut off in traffic or someone is flying along way over the speed limit, I always try to feel that something is distracting them or they are on their way to the hospital. Sometimes I succeed at rationalizing things, sometimes I don't.

Sitting here with hot coffee slowly waking my senses, with my spoiled old puppy boy while he eats breakfast (yes, he requires your attendance while eating), listening to the documentary that has Hubs so engrossed... I'm grateful.

I'm grateful that yet again my old guy woke up.  I know that each day is a gift.  And his energetic bouncing today filled my heart with joy. Playing in the yard and watching him run and bounce is something that is all too rare in our lives now. He and Neeko are extreme seniors and this heat is not their friend.

If he hadn't woken me up I would have missed the beautiful bright red cardinal that I saw today, I have learned the sound of their call and was able to see him way up in the top of the tree.  The sunrise making the sky a brilliant blue backdrop against the deep green of the tree branches and Mr. Cardinal looking like some dropped a splash of the brightest red paint right in the middle.  It had me longing for my camera.

If I hadn't walked them with Hubs I would have missed time spent chatting and catching up, I value my time spent with Hubs.  Even the most mundane conversations have value to me. I love talking about our day, thoughts and feelings.  He's my refuge from this crazy world. He's still hurting, so it's looking like another shot in the back is coming. Yesterday had appeared so promising.

I am grateful for even the things that frustrate me.  Because I have them to be frustrated at.

This week has held some really rough and rocky moments.  None of them were personal, but each one felt incredibly personal.  My faith in humanity has been severely tested this week.  My belief in the basic good in people felt almost shattered.  It tore me down.

A young mom, whom I later learned was the daughter of a woman that works for the Y - a woman I know, was shot and killed in front of her 3 young children.  Because an eighteen year old decided he wanted her car.  He laid in wait.  Stole her life, altered her children's forever, and destroyed his own.  For a CAR?  Guess it never occurred to this young monster to get a job and buy one.  She worked hard for her's.  She was working on raising her babies to have the same work ethic, raising them with love. I wonder who forgot to raise that greedy monster? Would anyone come forward and talk?  That neighborhood is not known for sharing information. "Snitches get stitches".

Another man was shot around the corner from my Y, middle of the day on a busy, crowded business street.  Not in a back alley.  Not in a derelict neighborhood.  Not in some secluded area. Right on the street, a street full of busy restaurants,  a museum, tourists and visitors to our city, in front of several huge financial and legal businesses.  He'll live.  I don't know if they've solved it yet or not.

I listened in absolute anger to a person describe a situation to me that had occurred the night before.  Two brothers got into a tussle, brothers do that.  At the time, no one realized they were brothers, a woman was screeching for someone to protect her baby, to hurt the other child, threatening bodily harm to the other child.  The officer that was restraining said child asked where his mother was, he pointed to the same woman. The restrained child showed them bruises, told them that his other siblings beat him with bats, that his mother not only allowed it, but encouraged it.  That this child was being mentally and physically abused at home.  He'd reached his snapping point.  His very soul was injured.  This young man who was pleading for help was told he had to go home with the very woman he was screaming for his harm and abuse.  It wasn't until he threatened to kill them with the knives that he kept under his mattress that anyone listened.

They slowly learned that the entire family was on medication, and that none of them had had it for quite some time.  It wasn't important to mom.  The police escorted them to the hospital.  Where "mom of the year" summarily dumped her son into the custody of the hospital with a swipe of a pen and drove off, leaving him there, alone.  I learned more of her story yesterday.  I almost threw up. She deserves to be behind bars, her children all removed forever from her life and she needs to be struck barren.  No one should have the ability to destroy lives like that. NO ONE!

I saw two senior men, that had the ability to function as young children, with their caregivers at the store.  I needed a few things for work.  Watching the way they treated them filled me with rage. No one deserves to be belittled and yelled at simply for existing.  Time for a career change.

I heard a man prescribing racism to a young child's actions when an older boy unfamiliar to her took her bike. He stated that the only reason she demanded it back was because he was black.  Even while acknowledging that all of the children in the neighborhood always played together and they literally reflected the rainbow colors of our world.  It never occurred to him that the child simply didn't want an unfamiliar child to take her bike without asking. It was because of his skin color. Hmmm... guess he's never spent time with children.

There were other things.  There were so many other hurtful things bombarding me. This week I wanted to run away. I wanted to find a quiet place to forget about the evil and simply live my life with my Hubs, pups and the kids if they wanted to run away with us.

I was emotionally and mentally tired.

This week the entire city seemed tuned into WIFM and not at all in a good way.

Yet, slowly the world started to remind me that I could have faith in humanity.

A dear friend got the news that her health is on an upswing, she faced a demon she was terrified of and it appears that it's worked! There was news of babies and people that I thought were leaving choosing to stay. A community came together to say no we aren't going allow that young mother's death to be in vain and in 24 hours it went from no suspects to apprehended and held with a one million dollar cash bond. The greater community rallied to support those children a Go Fund Me that was originally set with a $50,000 goal and had topped it with $150,000 in just 12 hours.

Conversations were had that maybe turned the lens from racism to manners.  I wish all of the terrors had been washed away in that crazy electrically charged lightening and rain storm the other night, but at least a few were. I'll take a few.

WIFM isn't always a bad thing.  Because knowing what people need to feel good is how behaviors and processes are changed.  But when it becomes your only lens, its heart wrenching.

Thank you for taking a moment to read while I have sorted through this overwhelming week.  I think I am going to spend this day decompressing, enjoying time with Hubs and the boys, checking in on my babies and getting ready for Father's Day.  The first without my Dad.

making a life...

When the wind picks up it's almost refreshing out.  Without it, it's just hot and muggy.  I am so not a fan of this Midwest climate. It's going to be another hot one today.  Not really my thing, but at least it will keep me inside and allow me to complete some of the things I have been longing to do... or not...

I've had the olive oil and dandelions infusing at a soft boil for the past two hours.  The dandelion tea is done.  I was incredibly excited to make a batch of soap. I cleaned up the kitchen and got it ready for some serious soaping.  And as it's nice and not raining, I am planning on a batch or two of bath bombs. 

But now I am simply feeling a bit bummed out.  I didn't catch it until it heated that the olive oil had gone rancid.  It smells awful! I don't want my beautiful soap to smell like that.  I did the research, everything says I can still use it, just need to super saponify or I can wash it in brine to remove the scent. Super saponification is going to lead to a very drying soap, kind of defeats the purpose of using the dandelions don't you think?  And I'm afraid the brine will also remove all the benefit of the dandelions.  So now I'm at square one again. Guess I am going to pick another cup of dandelions.  The bee's are going to revolt... Thank goodness they grow so fast.

Maybe I will resort to something less detailed, as I truly just want to make some soaps and try out all of my new molds.  I was hoping to make a batch or so of hot process also, so I don't have to deal with the patience part of things.

And I also need to go and buy a lawnmower.  Ours is a total piece of... well you get it.  And we hired a lawn care crew.  Which I am firing today.  I don't mind spending the money to have my yard mowed, but when they are as inconsistent of these guys and my front lawn is deeper than my short guys chest?  They are doing a lousy job and they are not inexpensive.  I've had kids to a better job than this company is.

I have to admit though that even with the rampant frustrations today is bringing.  Bitter oil, deep lawn, Hubs busy working for hours... It sure did start off excellent!  I had a message from my boy, something that is rare, he's busy living his life far away, so to wake up to that gift was priceless.  And my sweet (?) girl gifted me with an awesome yarn bowl to make me smile!  I got to talk to my own mom and I feel blessed to be able to do so.

Despite the challenges, I am feeling very grateful for my new found devotion to getting deeper involved in living my own life and remembering that other things are not the core, they are the outer rings.  They are not my own personal why.  They are not the items that define who I am as a human.

I am a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a gramma, a friend to many, and possibly a nemesis to some.  But over all... I am a human being on a journey that only I can define.  I'm enjoying discovering that! For too long, I've allowed the non-important to define the important.  Who I am and my contribution to my own life and happiness cannot be graded or judged by anyone except for me.  And when you start living to achieve other's goals and desires of you, you stop being able to reach for your own happiness and inner peace.

None of us get out of this life alive.  And I am starting to fully understand that the little check marks that others are making do not define who we are or where we ultimately end up.  This is just a season in time.  And the best thing any of us can do, is love the people that are important to us.  Spend quality time doing things together. None of us need a ton of gifts and clutter in our homes, we need time, experiences, and most importantly love.

Celebrate this mother's day.  If your mom is still here, let her know you love her, if not celebrate the gifts she gave you while she was. Let your loved ones know their value.  Because all too soon, you can only send those and thoughts to silence.  Love and cherish while you can!

Time to go and celebrate my day... Best wishes to all of you!

my journey...

As I am exploring my own journey, I am finding myself seriously questioning many things about our modern world.

My Dad's death has really put a laser focus on things for me.  We didn't see it coming, not at first.  There were many things we still wanted to do, places to go, dinners to have, holiday's to celebrate.

Listening to the news here in St. Louis this past week has been incredibly sobering.  So many deaths.  A man celebrating his birthday - a newlywed with two young children. Gone.  A fourteen and a sixteen year old.  Gone.  What kind of society are we creating? 

I am starting to look at things in a very different light.  I've truly enjoyed my week off.  I've had relaxing time with my family.  This weekend, even though the reason was sad, I spent time with all of my sisters and my mom.  I have spent hours creating.  And even more hours engrossed in the fine art of doing nothing.

I've really been struggling with keeping my social media and possibly stopping writing my blog.  I haven't decided on those two yet.  I guess it will depend on how much energy they zap from me.

I've listened to Hubs deal with the same struggles I am.  Although I don't think he has reached the same spot that I have. He's still struggling to be everything to everyone.  It makes me sad. He has desperately needed this time to regroup.  He hasn't really gotten it.

When did we become a society that is always on call?  That is expected to respond to everything immediately?  I remember in my children's lifetimes leaving my home for hours on end and not speaking to anyone that wasn't immediately with me. I remember long walks in the woods with our dog Raja.  The only sounds breaking the soft silence would be the sounds of nature. A bird chirping, the rustle of a deer or occasionally the not distant enough rumble of a boar.  Every now and then I would hear a hunter's gun, but I never worried about it.

I'm as guilty as the rest of the world.  The very things that connect us... they are dividing us also.  How many times do we pull out our phones while having dinner or waiting somewhere.  The silence that used to be filled with conversation is now filled with surfing the internet, playing games, checking email.

For days I've heard a song playing in my head.  Talking about going back to a simpler time.  Gotta Go Back - Joey and Rory.  Getting our lives on track. 

For a long time my life hasn't been on track.  It's been on a wheel like you see in a rodent cage.  I keep running faster and faster, but there hasn't been any progress.  I've been checking off boxes on a never ending to do list.

I need to pull the pins that are holding my track in a circle.  Take a torch to the seams.  It's what needs to happen.

I was talking to one of my "b's" yesterday.  We were talking about this crazy world we are now living in.  How people don't treat each other very nicely and some of the outrageous things we have both witnessed and heard lately.  Marveling repeatedly over the death and violence that seems to be running rampant.

It's overwhelming.  I can't fathom it.  I told her that I really wanted to write a blog about it, but I seriously could not sort out my thoughts about it enough to do so. 

I don't know where all of this disconnect stems from, but it really is overwhelming to witness, to be part of, to simply exist in.

We all seem so busy.  There isn't time to simply stop.

A day of rest seems like you are doing something wrong. Keeping your work day in an 8 hour or so window seems to be a thing of the past. One of my new directors didn't have an opener and her new closer hasn't started yet.  She seriously told me that she planned to work both shifts.  Mentally, my jaw dropped. I told her no.  I would work the evening as she was opening.  I've done that open to close thing.  It was brutal and frankly, I checked out half way through the day out of sheer exhaustion. Was I excited to close?  Not really - I am not a night owl and seriously struggle with being up past 8 or 9 at the latest on week nights. But I definitely preferred that to her sacrifice.  Ended up she was able to find a closer.  I am still feeling sad that she felt that was her only option.

It's all about balance.

It's about simplicity.

Maybe as a country we are sliding into a black hole that values things more than people.  I mean look at the lines every time the newest iPhone comes out.  Do they stand in line like that to take their children to the park?  Do we put our phones on silent in the bottom of our bags when we are out enjoying our families and friends? 

I'd like to say I didn't check my work email even once while I was out.  It would be a lie.  I was more selective than usual, but I didn't ignore it. 

Unbusy. 

I need to practice this a lot more.  I need to use my time and energy far more wisely.  Yesterday I was so busy "catching up" that I never even stopped for lunch.  I made a quick stop at the cemetery on my way in, to turn in the paperwork to get Dad's headstone ordered, and then I didn't stop again until almost 6 pm.  Munching on a few crisps and drinking too much coffee.

By the time I got home, all I could think about was the fact that I was shaking and exhausted.  Was I my best all day?  Probably not.  Especially when I felt torn in 20 different directions.  So much to catch up on that I was regretting my vacation. As I worked through any breaks that might have made me more productive I felt more and more like I was spiraling out of control.

I am working on prioritization. I have a great team and I am able to delegate more.  I simply have a fear of overwhelming them too soon. I am working on that.

After all of that I barely had the energy to cook dinner and I didn't even bother to do any of the other things on my list.  My fibro is threatening to flare, so I simply went to bed.  Too tired to even consider all the items that my personal self wanted to accomplish.

I'm still processing where I am with continuing my blog.  I'm still sorting out where I need to be and the journey that I need to take.  So for the first time in a very long time... I'm going day by day.

or flight...

I'm pretty sure I was channeling my Dad last night and this morning.

"damn squirrels, get out"

This weekend I decided to refill the bird feeder.  I'd stopped, the squirrels kept finding ways to get into the feeders and were making me incredibly angry. I got tired of finding ways to stop them.  I gave up. This weekend, I felt a strong need to fill those silly feeders.  I want to see the birds, hopefully the cardinals.

Dad loved feeding the birds.  It brought him great joy.  Except for those darn squirrels.

If you've followed my blog for any length of time, you know I don't hate squirrels and often share pictures of the little rascals. I just don't want them messing with my feeder.

I'm in a strange place.  My fight or flight emotions are overwhelming right now.

I really feel that very soon, I need a break.  I'm lost, I'm overwhelmed, I'm torn into pieces.  Part of me feels like I need to roll up my sleeves and slug it out.  I am definitely not a person that gives up and walks away.  A bigger part of me right now, is searching for my escape route.

Desperately!

I keep finding myself lost in day dreams.  Of far away places where my heart can heal.  I keep dreaming of getting rid of most everything and leaving.  Finding a spot where I can regroup.  Where there are no obligations, requirements, nothing that pulls me away from fixing this spot inside me that feels beat up, tattered and like a few pieces will never be found again.

A place far from humanity.  Maybe a quiet bit of land, with a small lake or even a stream/river.  Lots of trees and a place for a garden. I thrive in nature.  And this darn prolonged winter is killing me slowly.  Where the only sounds around me are the sounds of birds, wild life, a babbling brook, or the distant rumble of thunder as a spring storm moves in.

I've always maintained that I need four seasons.  Do I?  I keep hearing my Dad's voice in my head, I'm going to strap snow tires on the roof and head south, the first place they ask me what they are is where I am staying.  Starting to sound good.

I want the extent of my obligations to be tidying my house, cooking meals, working in the garden, taking care of my Hubs and the boys.  I want time to make soap, without squeezing it into the bits and pieces of my life that are left to me.  I want to quilt, spin wool, knit, sit on the porch and not see a soul outside of the people I've invited in.  I want to go back to canning my own veggies that I have grown myself.  Making my own breads and pastas. 

Do I want it?  Or do I need it?

As I watched the sunrise this morning, in all it's breathtaking splendor, the brilliant reds, yellows and oranges I felt lost. I felt a need to escape.

I should be rushing around getting ready for another day.  I have much to do, I always have much to do. I know that I am completely out of whack.

I'm at a point where fighting the good fight, seems like a lost cause. I am facing a failure that is eating my heart out. I've failed as a leader.

I have less than a week to somehow magically (because at this point that is what it feels like it will take - magic) raise the balance of our Annual Campaign dollars.  Just over $8819 remains.  I know the goal was high, but I felt that I had a great team, committed to success with me. I'm now swallowing the bitter pill that I might have been too optimistic well.  I'm not someone that accepts failure to meet goals with grace, I will push until the bitter end.  I don't like excuses and I really don't like people handing them to me in exchange for giving our all.  I'm struggling hard with this.

I feel like I've had enough losses this year. And I'm struggling with pulling up my big girl panties and taking it like a grown up.

Who set these rules? When did it stop being about living and start being about simply making a living?

Maybe that is what is fueling this flight response in me.  Maybe I have finally absorbed all that I can physically absorb. 

I'm surrounded by a chaos that I have no ability to control.  I am simply drifting along in a current that I cannot impact.  It is exhausting me.

I've been looking around my home and starting to determine what I don't need any longer, can I sell it?  Donate it? Throw it away.  What matters to me?  What doesn't.  Frankly, right now, not much matters.

Oddly, I slept amazing last night.  No tossing or turning, deep and restful. I still woke up feeling overwhelmed.  I am a leader, I need to lead my team with confidence and compassion.  Right now, I don't really feel like I can lead me with those skills.

I really do want to run away.  I want to be out in the silence.  No music, no television, no city noise.  I want to heal.  And I am finding that it is not something I can demand. Damn it. I am too much like my Dad in that aspect.  I have a strong urge to make things right and to do it on my time table.

And I can't.

I'm want to dance in the springtime sunshine.  I want to find my joy again.

I guess this is normal.  I don't know how to move forward.  I can't see my path right now and it kills me.

heaven needed a hero...

Outside it's cold and dreary.  Little spurts of icy hail pellets sprinkling down. 

Inside I feel cold and dreary.  And I definitely feel icy pellets in my heart.

I haven't written in a week.  I've tried. 

It's been the hardest week of my life so far. My memories keep flashing back as far as I can remember and then forward to last Sunday and then Monday.

Running my fingers through my Daddy's soft hair.  Feeling the wrinkles at his eyes from a life time of smiling.  Looking so much like he was simply sleeping.  Wanting so bad for him to open his beautiful eyes. Hating the bitter cold that met my hands, the shiver from kissing his sweet face.

Knowing when I walked away I would never in this lifetime touch him again. I wanted so badly to hold his hands, but they were already folded over his chest and the blankets were up to his neck.  I'm sure there was no need to close his chest, so I am thankful they protected us from that.

Looking at all the pictures and helping to straighten the house and prepare for the memorial service was hell in itself.  Part of me longed to leave, to simply head home to snuggle my Hubs and boys in the comfort of my own world and try to block it out.  I knew no one that would be there.  It was not for my comfort and I didn't feel the strength to give strangers comfort.

You can't block it out. 

I keep telling myself that he is not hurting anymore, that he's fishing and doing all the things denied to him by his stroke.  I know he's surrounded by my Grammie and his bull dogs - of course all the other pups, but mostly Butchie 1 and Butchie 2.  Daddy loved his bull dogs. 

I know the cardinals that keep hovering nearby were sent from him to comfort us.  The day of his service a big, fat, bright red one stayed near the house all day.  It hovered in the feeders, the trees, the scrubs and on the fence.  It felt like he was watching out for all of us. Letting us know, that even though he wasn't beside us any longer that he was still near. And would always watch over Momma and his girls.

My whole life I have worked hard to make him proud.  It was like a life mission, to be a person that my Daddy would be proud of.  I saw him right before Christmas and we were talking about my career and things I had accomplished.  The sparkle in his eye and the love in his voice when he told me how proud he was of all I had accomplished, that he always knew I would... even as sick as I was, I am so thankful my kids pleaded with me to go.  If I hadn't, I would have never heard those words, I would have always wondered.

As I was searching for pictures, I realized that even though I had been home to see them, I'd been so busy making memories that I hadn't gotten a picture of us. Honestly, I took very few while I was home this time. 

Funny, Arkansas is not my home.  I've never lived there in my life. I guess where ever your parents are is where home becomes.  I'm so thankful that my Momma and Daddy had so many years together.  Even when they drove one another crazy (don't we all?) they still had that beautiful love for one another.

That picture book in my head is loaded to bursting, even without the most recent.  The memories are overflowing.  Game nights, midnight omelets (my Daddy made the most incredible omelets), learning to fish and to ride a bike, living in a camper while he went to school, arguments over homework, the celebrations when he would come home from TDY, exploring the world, always knowing my hero would rescue me, learning to drive, long talks about life and its challenges, banter about politics, buying audio books every payday when he'd first had his stroke, his pride in all of our accomplishments, the love he showed in a million ways, the bravery he showed when Momma was sick, dancing with my Daddy at weddings and in our living room as he taught us all the old dances. 

For every memory there are a million more.  And I am so thankful for each and every one.  Today is my baby girl's birthday.  I remember the day she was born.  I remember my Daddy's reaction.  He bought her the first flowers she ever got.  She wasn't but an hour old.  I was hungry, it was after 1 am.  I'd last eaten dinner on March 9th.  My Daddy left the hospital and came back with a single rose for my baby girl and dinner for me from the local gas station.  It was all that was open. I've never forgotten that.  While all of our attention had shifted to our beautiful blue eyed chubby cheeked baby girl, my Daddy was worried about his worn out baby girl.

I don't know that I feel strong enough to move forward yet, but life can't wait for my participation any longer.  And I'm sure that my Daddy is probably getting tired of sending so many cardinals to let us know he's near.

My sweet 11 year old Grand daughter called me on my drive to Arkansas that horrible day.  She's walked in my shoes already.  Her sweet voice telling me how tragic it was and that it needed a phone call not a text was exactly the salve I needed at that point.  She's right.  She reminded me that now my Daddy was with me all the time, not just sometimes.  And that I could talk to him whenever I wanted.

She and I have an ice cream date when she gets home from spring break.  I took her out for ice cream when she needed some love after losing her Daddy.  She said we need to go out together when she's home. 

So much of this week is bluring.  There are beautiful flowers and plants, stacks of cards, hurting hearts and bitter words and tears.  As I move into week two of learning this new way of life, I worry about my Momma, after all she lost her best friend and love of a life time.  I worry for my sisters, we will each grieve and mourn in our own ways, and I fear for the damage it may cause.  And I worry for my sweet Hubs, he lost a dear friend.

I pray that Daddy keeps sending Cardinals and that God takes care of our precious Daddy.

After all... our Hero is home with him now.