My Dad's death has really put a laser focus on things for me. We didn't see it coming, not at first. There were many things we still wanted to do, places to go, dinners to have, holiday's to celebrate.
Listening to the news here in St. Louis this past week has been incredibly sobering. So many deaths. A man celebrating his birthday - a newlywed with two young children. Gone. A fourteen and a sixteen year old. Gone. What kind of society are we creating?
I am starting to look at things in a very different light. I've truly enjoyed my week off. I've had relaxing time with my family. This weekend, even though the reason was sad, I spent time with all of my sisters and my mom. I have spent hours creating. And even more hours engrossed in the fine art of doing nothing.
I've really been struggling with keeping my social media and possibly stopping writing my blog. I haven't decided on those two yet. I guess it will depend on how much energy they zap from me.
I've listened to Hubs deal with the same struggles I am. Although I don't think he has reached the same spot that I have. He's still struggling to be everything to everyone. It makes me sad. He has desperately needed this time to regroup. He hasn't really gotten it.
When did we become a society that is always on call? That is expected to respond to everything immediately? I remember in my children's lifetimes leaving my home for hours on end and not speaking to anyone that wasn't immediately with me. I remember long walks in the woods with our dog Raja. The only sounds breaking the soft silence would be the sounds of nature. A bird chirping, the rustle of a deer or occasionally the not distant enough rumble of a boar. Every now and then I would hear a hunter's gun, but I never worried about it.
I'm as guilty as the rest of the world. The very things that connect us... they are dividing us also. How many times do we pull out our phones while having dinner or waiting somewhere. The silence that used to be filled with conversation is now filled with surfing the internet, playing games, checking email.
For days I've heard a song playing in my head. Talking about going back to a simpler time. Gotta Go Back - Joey and Rory. Getting our lives on track.
For a long time my life hasn't been on track. It's been on a wheel like you see in a rodent cage. I keep running faster and faster, but there hasn't been any progress. I've been checking off boxes on a never ending to do list.
I need to pull the pins that are holding my track in a circle. Take a torch to the seams. It's what needs to happen.
I was talking to one of my "b's" yesterday. We were talking about this crazy world we are now living in. How people don't treat each other very nicely and some of the outrageous things we have both witnessed and heard lately. Marveling repeatedly over the death and violence that seems to be running rampant.
It's overwhelming. I can't fathom it. I told her that I really wanted to write a blog about it, but I seriously could not sort out my thoughts about it enough to do so.
I don't know where all of this disconnect stems from, but it really is overwhelming to witness, to be part of, to simply exist in.
We all seem so busy. There isn't time to simply stop.
A day of rest seems like you are doing something wrong. Keeping your work day in an 8 hour or so window seems to be a thing of the past. One of my new directors didn't have an opener and her new closer hasn't started yet. She seriously told me that she planned to work both shifts. Mentally, my jaw dropped. I told her no. I would work the evening as she was opening. I've done that open to close thing. It was brutal and frankly, I checked out half way through the day out of sheer exhaustion. Was I excited to close? Not really - I am not a night owl and seriously struggle with being up past 8 or 9 at the latest on week nights. But I definitely preferred that to her sacrifice. Ended up she was able to find a closer. I am still feeling sad that she felt that was her only option.
It's all about balance.
It's about simplicity.
Maybe as a country we are sliding into a black hole that values things more than people. I mean look at the lines every time the newest iPhone comes out. Do they stand in line like that to take their children to the park? Do we put our phones on silent in the bottom of our bags when we are out enjoying our families and friends?
I'd like to say I didn't check my work email even once while I was out. It would be a lie. I was more selective than usual, but I didn't ignore it.
Unbusy.
I need to practice this a lot more. I need to use my time and energy far more wisely. Yesterday I was so busy "catching up" that I never even stopped for lunch. I made a quick stop at the cemetery on my way in, to turn in the paperwork to get Dad's headstone ordered, and then I didn't stop again until almost 6 pm. Munching on a few crisps and drinking too much coffee.
By the time I got home, all I could think about was the fact that I was shaking and exhausted. Was I my best all day? Probably not. Especially when I felt torn in 20 different directions. So much to catch up on that I was regretting my vacation. As I worked through any breaks that might have made me more productive I felt more and more like I was spiraling out of control.
I am working on prioritization. I have a great team and I am able to delegate more. I simply have a fear of overwhelming them too soon. I am working on that.
After all of that I barely had the energy to cook dinner and I didn't even bother to do any of the other things on my list. My fibro is threatening to flare, so I simply went to bed. Too tired to even consider all the items that my personal self wanted to accomplish.
I'm still processing where I am with continuing my blog. I'm still sorting out where I need to be and the journey that I need to take. So for the first time in a very long time... I'm going day by day.
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