Sunday, September 9, 2018

in the silence...

The rain has been falling for two days, it's so therapeutic for me.

Having spent most of my growing up years in Germany, I feel most centered and at home when it rains.  I love the sounds, smells and the feeling of the air.

I also enjoy the fact that it forces us to slow.  I have a book I want to read (I haven't started it yet, but I will), I started a project that means a great deal for my heart.  It's a gift, so I can't even show you a picture.  Starting that project gives me the permission that I find I desperately need to stop and slow down, to simply sit with Hubs and enjoy a show.  To allow the therapy of a needle and thread to still my thoughts and draw me into the beauty being created.

Yesterday was the monthly psychic fair at my favorite little shop in Maplewood.  I feel drawn to it each month, like a moth to a light.  I don't want to miss it. Something about that little shop makes me feel calm.  It instills a peace in me that I find I truly need in my life right now.

I've been trying a different reader and medium each time.  Each time has been uniquely different, and at the same time all of them have given me something to think about. I think that is what I find so freeing about my monthly trip there.  I did need to get my sage, and I forgot to pick up the candles that I wanted, but I had so much to swirling in my brain that I simply wanted time to process it.

What we did remember to buy was a small xylophone for Hubs.  While I was doing my first reading I heard someone playing with the different bowls and pipes.  It was calming and beautiful.  As I finished and turned around - there was Hubs.  Completely engrossed in the Free Tone. The sounds softly filled the shop and it truly resonated calm and peace. The music was naturally pouring out of him and his calmness evident.

I didn't think twice, I simply bought it.  I want my sweet Hubs to be with me for a very long time, our life journey is definitely together and I might be a tad greedy.  Therefore anything that can bring him that much peace is a definite must have.

He loves music and sound, I often tease him that he needs a soundtrack to his life.  Honestly, maybe he does.  Because the music he was making yesterday could definitely be a soundtrack to mine.

I had wanted to spend a bit more time in Maplewood.  The small shops bring me happiness.  I could spend hours lost in most of them, which is saying something since I hate to shop.  I really enjoy the quirkiness of those kind of places.  I want to support them in a way I am not drawn to big box stores.  Unfortunately, some of them have put a bad taste in my mouth so to speak, so I didn't choose to linger,  I went in search of other places and experiences.

Then this morning as I am surfing through my emails quickly, looking to see if there was anything I truly needed to read or if it was simply junk mail, I was assaulted by more of what had bothered me so deeply just yesterday.

I am a pretty big proponent of live and let live.  I am not going to tell you how to feel, who to love, who you should pray to, or well basically anything.  I firmly believe that each of us is on a journey in this life and none of our journey's are the same. I don't care what your political beliefs are - nor will I beat you up for them.  I am not here to judge if you are thin or heavy, eat meat or don't. I don't care about basically anything except how you treat others.

Are you a good human?  Do you treat people and animals with care and love?  Cool, you are a rock star in my book.

So I prefer to not have a daily dose of politics, hatred and assaults on anyone served up with my interactions with companies I purchase things from.  An example is a spice shop I used to love, I can't deal with the hatred spewed by the owner in the guise of peace, love and hope.  It doesn't matter to me who you vote for, what your beliefs are, etc.  What matters is that we all respect other's thoughts and beliefs, while being true to our own.  Wouldn't it be an incredibly boring and unfulfilling world if we were all the same?

I mean seriously... I am a totally odd duck.  Most people never get to know me deep enough to understand who I am and what makes me tick.  And frankly, I'm good with that.  Because bits and pieces of a person do not explain the whole.

Yet this individual spews so much hatred to push his own beliefs that he doesn't care about the people he might be hurting in the end.  He's gone so far as to say too bad if they don't think like I do they can stay away from my business.  Yet, it's all about hope, love and acceptance.  To me... those things do not describe the daily tirades that he sends out.

There are other spice shops, there are people working in them that treat everyone with value, love and acceptance.  Those are my people.  I will find them.  I have worked hard to eliminate the haters from my life.  I don't need to support them financially.

I really wish that companies would stop playing into the divisiveness that is ruining our country.  That they would stop feeding that ugly beast. Maybe that is why I find peace when I go to Mystic Valley.  It's like a judgement free zone.  My inner hippie child is able to just be one with other people that all want the same thing.

Wow, I guess I've rambled on about some serious randomness today.  The laundry is waiting and so is my project.  I want to work on it for at least an hour, but this felt pressing.  Who knows why.

I am thankful for another rainy day.  A chance to slow and connect with the world. How about you?

Sunday, September 2, 2018

a new beginning...

I always consider September to be the start.  Something new, the traditional start of the year - as a new school year beings and the world starts to get ready for it's yearly slumber.  I have always considered it to be a beginning. This has been a year of beginnings.  That is how I am choosing to look at it.

It's semi quiet as I sit here this morning. Hubs is watching a movie in the man cave that I won't watch - it involves animals and I can't handle those.  Yet, I can hear snippets through the stairs.

Sitting here in the semi-silence, listening to both of my boys snore - their bellies full from their normal breakfast and a small helping of bacon, sipping my now cold coffee, I'm feeling a million emotions.

This year has been exhausting.  As September rolled in yesterday all I could think about was the fact that we are one month closer to saying good bye to 2018.  It's been a year of high emotions, pain, suffering, loss and struggles. Yes, there has been much beauty and love, but sadly the year has been too full of the other things.

The last day of August was filled with powerful feelings.  Elation, anxiety and celebration to name a few.  Just short of a year ago Hubs and I suggested to daughter that we would like to own our home ourselves.  It wasn't at all anything against the way she'd done it.  The gift she gave was simply far too great and we often felt like her love and generosity were stopping her from following her dreams.  After all, already owning two beautiful homes would keep her from following up on her plans.

She agreed and we started a very long drawn out process that has been exhausting!  How hard did it have to be, seriously?

Thursday night I glanced at the email account that I send anything non-family related to.  Only to discover that at 4 pm I was informed of the closing on our house scheduled at 3 pm the next day.  Again, I know I'm being redundant, but who does that? Have they never heard of a telephone?

For our own reasons we had decided that the house was going strictly against my credit and it would be my loan.  I was going to tackle this one for us.

Prior to that moment the only things I had ever purchased solo... a used car, a new car and a motorcycle.  Simply, not overwhelming expenses. Friday my hands were a bit shaky and I was trying hard to hide the overwhelming fear that kept creeping into my heart.  I'd done the math a million times over, I knew that basically nothing was changing.

Except that now I am solely responsible for this beautiful home of ours.  That being said Hubs and I are both in this together, it is simply a legal document.  And we tend to function on a different level than that. It just felt overwhelming.

It's still just our home.  The same home we've lived in for over 3 years now.  The difference is only a piece of paper.  We will not box anything or move. In fact we might finally fully unpack. We will simply continue to move forward with our lives as we have always planned to do.

There have been other changes in our lives this year that put us in a place that this is good for us.  Like I said, this year has held both good and bad.  The balance has simply been off, all year long.

Yesterday as I was sweeping the floor it felt different, the same floor, the same piles of fur (these two shed like there is no tomorrow) the only thing different was how I perceived it. It's now ours.  If we want to paint if funny colors (no we won't) I won't feel like we need to bounce it off the girl (not that she ever cared what we did).

The only thing different is who we write the check to.

Will we live out our lives here?  Probably not.  We love it, but it's far too big for two people.  Yet, at this moment in time, we are going to savor it's perfection for us.  Eventually we will buy a smaller house in a quieter area, something that will suit that season of our lives.

As I made soaps yesterday and enjoyed a home based day, I was filled with not only peace for us, but knowing that now our girl could follow some of those dreams of hers.

It's also incredibly exciting and empowering.  I bought a house.  Not just any house, but the house of our dreams.  Back in 2002, there were times that I was not sure that my boy and I weren't heading for homelessness.  Fast forward to 2018, a measly sixteen years later, he's off living his dreams - very successful and happy.  My girl is doing the same.  And Hubs and I are loving our life together.  We live in the home we want - not what we settled for. I never thought I would reach this point in my life.  There has been help, there has been love and support.  And despite feeling a bit overwhelmed, for a moment, for this moment in time, I feel worthy.

Today when I mow the lawn, it will belong to Hubs and I.  As I make more soaps to set up to dry, as I day dream about things I want to do it will feel a bit more freeing.  And at the same time it will be the same.

Hubs and I have been planning and scheming.  Making lists and studying different ideas.  We have been working on some goals and things are definitely clearer now. The gift our sweet girl gave us makes it easier to reach those goals.  And for a moment in time.  For this moment in time, while he heals, while we carry out our plan.  The dreams seem infinite!

This long weekend came at the perfect time.  I have things to work through.  Thoughts that need to come to life.  I barely left the house yesterday and other than a movie, I'm not feeling as though I will today.  I'm feeling like a hermit.  I'm worn from worry, fear and loss.  I'm praying for people I love to heal and fretting over what other losses this year may hold for me.

Too many of my family and friends have lost fur babies far too young.  Listening to my fur babies softly snoring, I feel both blessed and guilty.  I know my babies are very senior, and I am so thankful that they are still with me.  Yet I feel their losses are keenly as if they were my own. Your fur babies become your babies, as much a part of your life as any family member. My heart hurts for them, my heart knows that far too soon I will join their ranks.

But today the sun rose, birthday's are celebrated, life and changes embraced... tomorrow will take care of itself.  I hope that each of you is finding peace where you are.  I hope that you are finding something to celebrate and to embrace that will change or solidify the path you are on.  And if you are one of those that I am praying for... I love you!

have you tried...

I am learning.   It's a late day for me and I am enjoying the solitude of the morning.  I am working on bringing some balance back ...