I've got questions...

I've got some serious questions, ones that I have been stewing over for quite a long time.  How long have we been being conditioned to not speak to others?  How long have the seeds of distrust and fear been being sown?  

I know I have written my thoughts down about the fact that we no longer really have front porches, that we don't get to know our neighbors or even the neighborhood grocer, etc.  But lately it is becoming far more noticeable to me that the break down to our society in general is becoming even more fractured. 

Here's what I mean.  I am not someone that randomly strikes a conversation.  I will offer to help if it is noticeable that you need assistance, but to just speak, nah... that's not me.  It isn't something new, I have been this way my entire life. I offer smiles like they are free for the taking, but I am not usually going to speak. 

 Those few folks that became close friends when I was a kid and young adult, probably never even realized the struggle it was for me to open up enough to be friends.  Probably why I cherish all of my friendships so much, even ones from so long ago, the price paid was huge, they are and were worth the investment.  Besides, that is Hubs strength, he has never in his life met a stranger.  Although I am even starting to sense a hesitancy in him lately. A preference to text as opposed to calling someone, a less open way in communicating. 

I was at the grocery the other day, I'd found a great recipe for a grain-free, nut-free bread that I was dying to try and realized I'd used all my flax meal making puppy treats. As I wandered around I was just observing the state of the store, the things they were out of, and of course people watching.  The atmosphere wasn't intense and anxious so I just took a moment to stroll. 

As I was walking to my car when leaving, I see a woman loading her car, she looked anxious and intense.  I get it, I don't often like to be alone these days either and I live in what would be classified as a "safe" neighborhood.  I walked past with my single bag, enjoying the sunshine and I smiled at her.  I noticed that she slightly smiled back, but it didn't reach her eyes.  I also noticed that she had a box of mason jars on the bottom of her cart, I started to just walk on, but something encouraged me to turn around and speak.  

I'd seen the jars in the store also, but I didn't buy any.  They are priced obscenely high now, almost double other stores, something inside told me to tell her where I'd found them so much cheaper.  As I turned and said excuse me, the fear in her eyes was something you could feel.  I am not a threat to anyone, I'm a short, mostly out of shape, older lady (ouch that hurts) with a replaced knee - a toddler can out run me. I wasn't even wearing clothing that could have concealed a weapon.  But she looked afraid, instantly.  

When I mentioned the fact that I'd noticed her mason jars, the fear turned almost open hostility, with a sharp yes.  It wasn't until I said, I'd noticed them in the store too, but wanted to share with her that I'd found an abundance of them at the local hardware store significantly cheaper that she just as quickly became friendly, excited and open.  Her smile became genuine, she was grateful to know that and said she would head over there to look.  She thanked me profusely for telling her about it and we parted ways. 

Here's the thing, what caused that fear?  I live in a very diverse neighborhood, racially, ethnically, financially, gender, religious... you name it we probably have it covered.  I think it is one of the reasons I love where I live, it feels so much more like the diverse military communities that I grew up in, I personally feel safe and calm here. 

I thought about it fairly intensely the rest of the day.  Reflecting on my own trip to the grocery a few days before, I realize that she probably had several hundred dollars worth of groceries in her cart, was she afraid I would attempt to take them?  Was she personally reflecting on the extreme expense she'd just paid for that cart of groceries and pondering how she'd pay the rest of her bills for the month?  I feel you sister, I'd suffered the same shock myself. 

Is all of this just our own reflection of how we feel about things surrounding us? Are we assigning our own fears and comfort levels to others?  I'm not sure.  It lingered with me for most of yesterday, which might be why I felt a bit hyper aware of things I observed, yet it hit me again yesterday as I saw not one but two alerts to be aware of strangers at a local park. 

I'm not saying the person had a need to be fearful or not.  They might have been quite accurate in their assessment of the situation, or they might have been extreme.  I wasn't there, I have no way of knowing. Evidently their 15 year old daughter was running up and down a steep hill while training for something, an older man said hello and asked why she was running up and down the hill in that kind of heat.  That is the way the father of the girl shared the story.  Nothing seemed extreme about the conversation, nothing set off red flags or said to react in a protect manner from the dad's story.  Yet, 90% maybe more of the folks responded with call the police, he could be a pedophile, how could you let her run in the park alone, did she have mace or a weapon with her, you get the gist of the conversation. 

The dad said he confronted the man about speaking to his daughter and he got mad and didn't like be accused.  That made everyone more vigilante, of course he must be guilty if he got angry. Maybe he got mad because of how he was approached and the way the conversation went?  

Again, I don't know.  But more and more the only response I see to anyone speaking about anything unusual or strangers in the neighborhood is "call the police".  Maybe I'm too trusting, even if I don't speak to other's often.  Maybe I'm the foolish one, maybe it is years of working in a downtown community across the street from one of the largest homeless shelters around, but I think we are breaking as a society.  And once that happens what in the world do we become?

Humans are by nature "pack animals", very rarely do they successfully live with interaction with other humans.  If we become so afraid of one another, then what?

I don't have answers, I'd love to say I have a magic ball that allows me to see where we are heading at such a break neck speed.  But I don't.  

In the midst of all these thoughts I also remembered a conversation with my girl the other night.  We were at her house reminiscing about when she moved into the neighborhood, she and her realtor told outrageous tales to everyone that asked her about her life.  Each one got a different story, they had a blast!  Then slowly she got to know them and told them about the prank they'd played.  She had her reasons for wanting and needing privacy right then, but when the time was right she'd shared her truth. She has made amazing friendships in our neighborhood, she talks with everyone and is the life of the party.  This same child would sit under tables in grade school to avoid being noticed. 

I felt a touch guilty as she shared with me the close relationships she has with all of her neighbors.  I haven't put energy and effort into doing that myself.  I enjoy my peaceful time.  But maybe, just maybe it's time to stop being quite so secluded.  I know I have observed this many times before, I also know that I usually resort back to my little safe cocoon.  Who knows, maybe it is like when you buy a new kind of car and all the sudden they are literally everywhere.  Maybe the need to connect to people is becoming so great that it is showing up everywhere?

I don't have any answers to all of this, I don't have solutions or even ideas of how to more the pendulum the other direction.  I just feel deep in my soul that we are at a point where we have to do it, all of us.  If the shoe had been on the other foot at the grocery store how would I have responded?  If I encountered someone I didn't know at the park would it have been in fear?  I don't know, I don't have answers. Only questions. 

I think it's time to work on changing directions though....

love and peace...

rolling in...

So much going on lately makes no sense to me.  People are angry and full of hatred, driving on the streets is hectic and stressful. So much road rage and frustration.  We spent days away from it all, the small towns that we frequented were so different than the bigger city I live in.  We wandered aimlessly, in and out of small stores, we chatted with people and enjoyed our travels. 

Since being home there is so much discord everywhere we go.  People are not speaking to each other, they are fussy.  It feels like a pressure cooker.  I am not a fan of this current state of affairs. I already miss the peace of last week. 

Running errands today was stressful, we made the mistake of stopping in a Walmart, never my favorite, but we were short on time and it would be one stop.  Besides the Walmart down in the country was delightful, oh how quickly one forgets reality. 

I am not a fan of all the self-checkouts.  Nor do I love waiting for an extended period of time for someone to come over when it doesn't work right.  And the constant rearranging of the aisles is enough for insanity. It wore me out.  Finding five items (two of which they didn't have) and checking out took over an hour.  So very, very frustrating.  Listening to how unhappy everyone around me was... ugghhh...

I am questioning so many things right now.  But mostly I am taking a deep breath and stepping back.  I am finding the best way of dealing with the shifts in people is to literally step away.  I long to find myself walking in the sunshine on a trail far from the crabby chaos. 

I am listening to the sound of a storm trying to roll in, it's needed.  The air is charged with electricity, it's stale and humid.  It's also warm, it almost hit 80 today. All of those things signals an impending storm.  It might head south of us, but being under a tornado watch for the majority of the day definitely doesn't make the intensity in people any smoother. 

Sweet Hubs will return to work tomorrow, this has been the fastest week ever.  To see the look on his face tonight while we were at a party for a friends one year old grand-daughter when he realized it was Sunday night was heart-breaking.  He loves his job and his team, but precious time off seems to simply fly past.  His plate will be full tomorrow, it always is when you return from a week away. 

I will stay in my quiet bubble tomorrow.  Doing my chores, decompressing from the stress of angry people, and working on the quilt I was commissioned to do.  There is so much to accomplish and it will definitely be "that kind of Monday" here at the house.  Although, I am actually looking forward to catching up and getting organized.  

I have been so blessed to spend many wonderful hours with people that I love and care deeply about.  It's the strangers that can be so unkind that I don't understand.  While we were down on the Meramec there was a road rage incident here in town that made my blood run cold.  Two men in their early 70's actually pulled off the road to "discuss" things.  The end result... after what appeared to be a fist fight, one of them climbed into their car and used it as a weapon to run the other over several times.  Both of these men will spend the rest of their lives in less than ideal circumstances, one has a very long recovery that will no doubt result in pain for the remainder of his life, the other is most likely prison bound.  

I can't believe it is the full moon causing this insanity, it didn't just occur.  Everywhere you turn or look there is simply more of this courageousness.  What is it going to take to get humans treating one another decently again?  Where is all this bitterness and angst coming from?  Lack of oxygen or the fear mongering all sources of media? Are they simply unable to step back and look into their hearts?  There are thefts, beatings, foul words, and hatred spewing everywhere.  It's like the world is walking on eggshells and has no idea how to right oneself. 

Here's a start... turn off your television.  Same thing with the radio. Stop and have a few conversations with strangers, we are far more alike than different....

So much to ponder.  To think through and process. 

I'm thankful for the peace that I have.  I'm thankful for the joy I find in my day to day life. I am looking forward to self-isolating for a few days.  I need to space to reset after these past two days of peopling. 

Love and peace everyone... 

forward, backwards...

This space in time is so strange.  The layers of life are all starting to pile up on one another in a weird sort of way. 

The deep inner person is full of joy and excitement for what is occurring and the changes that are happening.  I feel a bit guilty for it. The next layer of my inner person is struggling so hard with the world.  With what is being allowed to happen and frankly when I allow myself to tune into that layer, I feel almost overwhelmed - a bit hopeless at where humanity is going. My very outer person is starting to feel very rebellious, very much in a space of wanting to push back and yell.  Wanting to request that humanity as a whole reconnect with common sense and to stop being told when and what to think and feel.  I am dumbstruck at some of the things I am encountering and don't know which way is up. 

I am finding myself choosing to be deep within myself. Yesterday was such an incredible day for me.  I got the "go forth and live your life fully" from my Doc.  I almost had tears of joy in my eyes.  I have worked so hard on my therapy and rehab.  Intensely focused on leaving this experience far better than I was before. At almost 4 weeks to the day from the end of my surgery I was so excited and a bit nervous to sit in front of my surgeon and hear his thoughts on my progress. 

To be released for a year with only two exercises that I need to complete a few times a day, to improve my flexibility and to help prevent any further scar tissue build up was exciting.  To know that I went into that appointment needing only 10 degrees on my straight leg and was at 95 degrees (after a bit of stretching with Doc) on my bent knee.  I felt like super woman!

I was told to continue doing what I've been doing, to never push myself to the point that I need pain medication (like I would take it) and to continue moving forward. I am now able to start riding a recumbent bike, until I feel brave enough to ride my normal bike (that could take me a minute - honestly, I don't feel as invincible as I once did).

But my water loving soul was most excited to know I am finally able to be back in water!  First order of business last night was a long, hot soak in the garden tub.  I am definitely that person, and I have a wonderful Hubs that understood how badly I had been needing that experience.  He was tired from a busy day, and even though I said I'd be willing to wait until today, he got the tub all ready for me.  Lit candles for ambiance, put on soft music (432hz thank you very much), and created the perfect temperature complete with bath bombs and Epsom salts.  He patiently stayed awake later than usual so I could safely get back out of that deep tub. Oh how I had missed it.  

And as much as I had missed it I was terrified! What if I fell?

When you have had limited mobility for any length of time, anything new is a tad overwhelming.  And as I probably told myself a million times yesterday, just because the Doc cleared me to live my life, didn't mean he'd waved a magic wand and suddenly it was 100%.  I heard him say that it would be at least 3 - 6 months before it wasn't an everyday thought.  I also vaguely remembered to process the fact that he said I was looking at almost a full two years before I forgot about it completely, before it was as natural as my original knee (without the daily pain).  I might have been tempted to ignore all of that in my quest to be me again.  Trust me, it reminded me darn quickly. 

As I was so deeply engrossed in what to me, in my little world was the most amazing news ever, I was feeling selfish and greedy.  Hubs took time out of his day to take me out to lunch, I mean the news needed celebrating.  It wasn't just my internal knowledge telling me that I was healing beautifully, but the man that did the work himself.  It was incredible for me.  

But as we drove to the restaurant, bits of the outer world kept creeping in around the corners.  The news was talking about everything going on.  There was more and more that was edging into my bubble of that outside layer.  

I am an observer in most cases.  I watch people, I watch events, I watch well... everything.  I try my darnedest to stay in a semi-neutral bubble. To look at things from as many possible angles as I can.  I am that person that will always point out when someone is driving like a total jerk on the highway that maybe they are rushing to the hospital or to a family emergency.  Am I aware they are probably just a self-centered jerk that is no doubt on their phone and feeling they are special - of course.  But deep inside I want to always give them the benefit of the doubt. A moment of grace so to speak.

Last evening I opened my inner self back into the outer world for a bit.  I was reading on different social media sites.  I read a statement made by a friend that I happened very much to agree with and then watched in absolute horror as someone that I would consider probably their friend (maybe former at this point) proceeded to tear her and her family apart because how dare she disagree with his personal beliefs.  There was no compassion for her feelings, thoughts, concerns, etc... none.  It was all my way or the highway, it was degrading and attacking, some of it was downright uncalled for.  What probably should have been a private conversation, best had face to face, became an attack on a person's personal beliefs and their family.  

As I read, I was hit hard in the solar plexus, it occurred to me that we are rapidly sliding into too many of those conversations.  We've been slowly prompted to slide into them for a long time. None of us will ever agree on everything and frankly I don't believe we should. At that point, we become nothing more than machines, no longer humans capable of feelings and compassion.  No longer capable of love for our fellow man. These seem to be some very dark and uncaring times that we are living through. 

It is happening in a myriad of ways and topics.  For a while it was simply about different religious beliefs, then it became a racial discussion, then it became gender, add in a bit of the have/have nots, don't forget to add political beliefs, oh yeah, while we are at it don't forget to include a healthy dose of health issues, but all of it needs to be heavily sprinkled with fear.  

I am sure that I have forgotten a few of the things being thrown out there to separate us. I don't fear others for any reason.  We are all on this planet to learn lessons, to grow, to expand who we are as people.  I feel hurt for those that haven't quite figured that out.  For the ones that are claiming to be open minded and the wave of the future that cannot hear their own voices drowning out others.  The ones that cannot understand that we were never meant to be the same.  The world doesn't work that way.  

I'm still very lost in the mess that is Afghanistan.  I am still struggling hard that we have allowed something so tragic to happen.  And yes I am saying we allowed it, because so many of us are aware of the reality of the world right now, so many of us are aware of what has been going on for a very long time.  Yet we remain silent, we watch from the sidelines, we are horrified when things happen.  We check our own ability to rationally think at the door and allow the media, politicians and more to tell us what to think and feel. By doing that we are all culpable for what is going on. 

I include myself in that statement.  Have I done my absolute best to stand my ground for what is right and just?  Or have I been just as guilty?  Have I been willing to take a stand? Or have I gone with the flow, to simply move along to get along?  

As you can tell, I have some heavy thoughts mixed in with the joy.  I have a lot of processing to do.  I have to decide my truth.  I sadly feel that we all will need to do that.  Will we live the lives that are given to us, will we love our families and neighbors, will we be respectful and supportive?  Or will we spend our time and lives tearing down those that do not believe, look, feel, worship, think, or... well you get the point... differently than we do?  

It is so tempting to simply slide back into my inner self.  That deep one.  The one that spent the morning celebrating her newfound freedom by booking a camping site for the long weekend along the Ohio river.  Near my favorite city to visit, but tucked off to let the world slip by.  A place where we can disconnect from life for a moment or two.  To celebrate the moments of life without the noise.

I don't know where I will ultimately land, I guess that is the question that all of us will eventually have to answer.  Are we going to be okay with the freedom's that we are losing, the lives being lost, the lies being told (and there truly are many)?  

For now... I think I will continue to live somewhere lost in the middle.  I still have some healing to do, I have thoughts and prayers that need to be dug into deeper. I have places of my own heart that aren't ready yet.  I am simply questioning how much longer we can allow these things to happen.  

Peace and love... 

is everyone okay?

Just checking in... How is everyone doing?  Here in my corner of the mid-west a stay at home order is in effect.  I still go to my branch occasionally through out the week, but mostly I need to work from home right now. 

I didn't write yesterday.  

I overslept - something I rarely do.  I felt stressed and flustered because of it.  I wasn't ready to start working at 8, heck barely made it by 9.  As I didn't wake up until 8:10 and still had to walk the dog, brush my teeth, drink coffee (I simply do not understand how folks function without a steaming cup of heaven each morning - or 4... ). The fact that my employer is trusting me to work from home, the me inside - the people pleaser - was completely focused on making sure he got a full 8 hours minimum of dedicated work.  I want to honor that trust.  To not make them feel I am a waste of money at a time like this. 

That is simply who I am.  It's not right, it's not wrong.  It's simply me. 

Honestly that part of me is what caused a long and sleepless night.  Terrified that I would not wake up in time to go to the branch as I have said I will be the one there today.  I am tired.  Bone tired.  If I believe my Fitbit, I only slept a grand total of 4 hours.  I went to bed at 9.  How is that possible?

I am worried about people that are part of my team.  I am worried about what all of this will mean to them, I am also worried about my own personal future.  The realist that lives in my brain would NOT shut up last night.  Nothing was helping. 

We are all on this journey, at different places and in different times.  That means that just as one is coming to terms another is falling apart.  The unending changes and fluidity of what the entire globe is facing is stressful.  

I firmly believe we will come out of all of this whole.  Just as firmly as I believe that things will never be the same.  Maybe some of the strain is the fact that many are grieving what is gone.  They are in that stage of loss?  I don't know.  I can only speak for myself. 

Each day I wake up a bit stronger in my own convictions.  And a bit less sure of anything outside of my home, family and close friends. 

I am working hard to only have uplifting and positive things surrounding me.  I will admit that I have snoozed more things on Facebook than I haven't.  I need the link to the good.  I need to walk away from the negativity and divisiveness. I am not asking people to stop believing what they believe.  That is each person's right and belief.  I just don't have the time or energy to expend on falsehoods, negative energy, hatred or inflicted pain.  

I am working to keep my personal energy high.  I am working on the inside.  Not the inside of my home (whew - although it needs it) but on the inside of my heart and on soul work.  I am finding more time spent in silence and meditation.  I am laughing more, smiling more, seeking out those that are willing and able to do that with me. 

I can't change anything external right now.  I can't even really protect my team, which is what my nature calls me to do.  I can only change who I am inside and how I choose to react to things.  I don't care about anyone's politics, I don't want to hear the news except for facts, I want to find my own way through this jungle that we are now in.  I want to find love in my heart to send out into the universe.  I want to be the one to dry tears and offer a safe space as we navigate these waters. 

I firmly believe that how we treat ourselves and one another is the defining moment.  The love and grace that we give is what will be remembered.  Okay and some people will probably never forget that they could not find toilet paper.  I had an amazing time laughing about that yesterday with one of our seniors.  She had some interesting suggestions if anyone needs some. 

Be good to yourself.  Check in with your heart.  Are you meeting your own needs?  If not, start there.  Take a long hot shower each day, or maybe a soak in the tub.  Try to find that quiet time.  You know where you put down the electronics, you turn off the television.  Dust off an old hobby that has lain dormant.  I was talking with one of my team yesterday and she'd mentioned that she started a cross stitch pattern.  Something she hadn't done in years. And the peace that she had found doing so.  Do something that requires focus.  It will require you to stop worrying, stressing and resisting and allow you to simply be. Cook a meal to share with your family.  If you live alone... have a virtual dinner party with dear friends. 

Find ways to connect... one of my dearest friends is hosting a virtual happy hour each day.  It is after all still birthday month.  I am concerned that participation could lead to a slight drinking problem by the time this is over... but the laughter it is bringing me... well... I'll take my chances. 

My sweet Neeko crashed a virtual meeting with my safety team.  He was tired of mom sitting with the computer on her lap and not paying attention to him.  

We've been exchanging group chat's that have full of laughter and jokes.  Find ways to simply be!

Well, it's time for me to pack my lunch and get ready to just go be somewhere else.... I am sending love and light to you.  

the other side...

Adjacent opportunities.  I've drawn that particular energy card three times in the past week.  It's a beautiful card that is asking me to look at other possibilities.  Pointing out that there are other paths that I might not be seeing right now.

When I woke up at 4 am today, I had no intention of being up so early.  After all it is Sunday, the Y is currently closed and I know that my phone will not ring with a member concern.  I had turned off my alarm, to hopefully allow my weary mind and body some rest.  Yet there I was, awake.

A million thoughts have spun out of my mind over the past few weeks.  Was it really only two weeks ago that we were all semi-joking about the fact that it was going to be a roller coaster of a week.  I mean it started with a time change, a full moon and ended with a Friday the 13th.  It was my RMOD weekend, so I was braced for the insanity to begin.  I was hopeful, but cautious just the same.  I sat in a leadership meeting that had a solid plan for all of us if this coronavirus became a real threat to us. 

It seemed distant and strange.  I was still struggling with how I felt about it.  Was it real, was it something being "spread" by the media to frighten us?  My conspiracy theorist and questioning heart and soul were struggling to process this... well... thing.

That week had been filled will LONG days and I had to work that next day.  Normally after those meetings I head home.  For some reason after chatting with various people, wrapping up various things... I had one of those feelings.  Getting into my car, I'd called Hubs and said "I have to head to the branch - I don't know why, but I think I am going to be needed there".  I don't know that I have spoken truer words in a long time. Friday the 13th started this spiral that keeps getting bigger and honestly at time a bit more frightening and overwhelming.

I reached out to my team, asked those planning to head home early (after all it was Friday) to wait, just about the time I got the text directing us to stay at our branches and be prepared.

I'm not sure there is a way to be prepared. Over the past ten days we have cancelled programs, closed our buildings, cleaned, cleaned and cleaned some more. Unwilling or unable to leave my team unsupported I had been staying through all the shifts, cooked soup and chili, tried everything I can to help them feel loved and supported - truthfully I have probably failed quite miserably.  These times have never existed before. I can only lead with my heart and hope and pray they know that I am here for each of them.

They are amazing and the laughter that has filled our building as we've done the Covid Shuffle and lifted and supported each other has been incredible.  They have filled my heart with so much love and light, and for that I am truly blessed. 

I went home early on Friday - my car needed serviced and I needed to get it done, just in case.  I followed social distancing rules and took care of what needed to be done.  During that time we got the news that Illinois was issuing a stay at home order. I spent a bit of time chatting with my boss and determining what that meant for my team.  Several of them live in Illinois.

The spiral was getting larger...

Yesterday the county and city issued the same order.  I am a tad unclear on the timing, it sounds like the county will "lock down" first. I do not envy our leadership team.  Everything is changing by the moment.  It's a time of taking a breath and everything changing from when you began the exhale.

Hubs and I are trying to process this ever evolving chaos.  We are sorting through what it all means, or trying to.  We both have two paths we are looking at.  We both serve at the Y. That is our chosen career.  Which also means that whatever happens, will happen to both of us. For me, I do not know that we will be essential, I do not know if that means work from home or PTO, or... well... I don't want to go down that rabbit hole right now.

Hubs is in a slightly different career field that is more essential than I am.  There will be work for him to do to keep the buildings safe and secure.

It's the unraveling feeling that is disconcerting. It's like being on a ship, being tossed in the waves.  Every moment that you catch your breath, that you feel steady and stable... well blink... it's changed.

I am going to go retrieve my plants from my office.  They have value to me.  They are living.  They bring me joy.  The rest of it can sit there for a moment.  I am sure the day will come that I will either go back for good or at least to retrieve the rest of it.

I read something powerful the other day.  It said those that make it through this current storm will be those that are adaptable and can change. Those that have the ability to be fluid and adapt to whatever comes.

We are never going back to where we were.  Those times are gone. 

But there are always adjacent possibilities.  Yesterday, I didn't accomplish much.  My heart was heavy, my brain was processing the chaos and storm.  When I woke this morning, after doing my energy exercises, I chose to do a meditation for healing and health. I have cleansing music playing right now and my heart and soul feel strong and fulfilled.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring.  I know it will involve a lock down of sorts.  It needs to. People simply don't seem able to listen. The rest of the dance?  Well it isn't written yet. I might be spending hours calling people and doing wellness checks, I might have work and activities assigned to me. 

Or... I might be on PTO, with however many paid days off I have stretched out before me.  I might have time to declutter and clean, to create both physically and mentally, to prepare meals that will fill our bellies and our hearts. To work on my yard and actually create a garden on my deck.

Or... well let's not throw that thought out into the universe. 

Whatever today brings, I will face it with love and grace.  I will thank the universe for the gifts it has bestowed and look for the good in all of it. I will cherish the slowness that my heart and soul have longed for.  I will laugh and love.  I will spend time enjoying sunshine with my dear Hubs and my sweet pup.  I have time to connect with family and friends.

Maybe this is truly a time a healing and we are missing it in the fear. 

I believe humanity and our dear earth have needed this cleansing and healing. 

Hand on my heart, voice to the heavens I give thanks and love to all!

thoughts...

2:37 am. Why on earth am I awake and alert at such a time?  Does my body not know that I need rest more than ever right now?  Did it miss the memo?

A million disjointed thoughts were running through my mind.  Nothing was working.  I was simply awake.

My guess is those thoughts that are bubbling to the surface at a speed that seems beyond comprehension are important. Why else would they wake me?  Disrupt much needed rest?

The randomness is powerful.  As I sat silently meditating the words that kept flashing through my mind don't seem to make sense.  I kept hearing Sue telling me I come from a long line of powerful women healers and it is my destiny. Let me be clear, I m definitely not in any career path involved in healing.  The sight of blood is enough to almost make me pass out. My sisters all work with healing.

I kept hearing hope. 

And I felt an overwhelming need to write.

My thoughts aren't important.  I am not a great leader that will guide us anywhere.  I am just a single human doing my best in a very unstable and off balanced world.

So many thoughts, so garbled and tumbled.  I think they are a reflection of my emotions. I am so torn with where we are right now.  I can't understand my own feelings to this virus and it's purpose and impact.  How do I guide others through it?

I have always firmly believed that nothing happens without a purpose.  I very firmly believe what we are going through now falls into that same category.

What is the purpose?  As we closed our doors with heavy hearts last night to our members, we know it is for just a moment in time. It is to allow the curve to flatten.  To stop this virus that I heard a medical professional describe as "slippery".  That it has been able to mutate at a far more rapid pace than expected.  That is sweeping across this beautiful planet.

I don't feel fear.  Not for myself.  I am curious.  I am trying to find my place in the unsteadiness.  I am worried for people that are unable to work.  At least for a moment I am okay, Hubs is okay.  My children are.  I haven't had time to check in with everyone.  Just my immediate family.  I am scrambling to keep up with this ever evolving, silent entity.

Were the fires in Australia earlier a prelude?  I keep reflecting back to the pictures that started coming out as that incredible devastation was concluding.  One is burned into my memory, brilliant flowers and greenery growing almost immediately in the midst of all the burnt, charred blackness of before.

My heart feels that was a promise. 

We are going into a period of great change.  We will never go back to where we were just a week ago.  I remember our staff lunch two weeks ago and all of us sitting around laughing and talking.  Of course the corona-virus came up, it's been a topic that lived in the background for months now. Almost as a whole we were saying we weren't sure what to believe, it was being blown out of proportion, even making some crude jokes meant to lighten the mood. Did we already know deep inside that levity was needed?  That something bigger was coming?

I was not worried a week ago.  Slowly, that has shifted.  I feel it is something that we can overcome, I feel strongly in my heart that if we can globally shift into this period of self-isolation.  Minimum contact, moving slower and safer that we can flatten the curve.  We can stop this. 

For a long time now we've been moving at a break neck speed.  I have written for years about the need to slow down and savor life.  I have mourned that we are not teaching our children basics, that we are becoming machine like.  I myself have been one of the voices that has echoed the need to slow down, to go back to that simpler time. Has the universe been noticing too?

I giggle a bit when I read all the folks on Facebook asking what am I going to do with my child/children for months (as across the planet schools are closing for the year).  Maybe I giggle because I am on the other side of raising my babies.  My sweet babies are grown and living their own lives.  And then I see the plethora of posts with ideas.  The very ideas that I did with my kids, that my parents did with us.

We need to heal the family unit.  And it doesn't matter what your family looks like.  My sweet daughter loses her mind some days.  Her youngest will give her as much gray hair as she gave me.  Yet the love and joy I find watching her raise those children is inspiring.  She allows them to live, experience things, try out life.  They cook, they try gardening, they paint, they build, the talk, they laugh.  It's not utopia, it's life.

Children learn in many ways.  I believe that our school system is broken.  It has been for a very long time. We aren't teaching kids life, we are teaching them memorization.  Maybe this is here now to reset that.  Make playdoh, get your fingers dirty, learn to cook, sew, maybe a few life skills.  The things that we have gotten to busy to pass on.

I don't know what the other side of this looks like.  I still haven't processed how I feel.  I am worried thinking about things around me collapsing.  I had to change that thought.  I don't feel worried.  I feel wonder and curiosity.  Yet I am not truly afraid.

Things will look different. Things will feel different. 

People will be different. 

Oddly, I am not sensing the low vibrations that I thought I would feel.  I am curious as to what this is hiding from us. But, I always feel that when the media focuses too hard on any one thing. 

All I know for certain, is that we are never going back.

Those days and times are over.  Take time to be more connected in different ways.  Teach your children things you have forgotten, or if you never learned... I'm sure there is a YouTube channel full of ideas.  Take advantage of all the virtual stuff that is being offered.  Keep an open mind, help where you can, lift other's up - even if it is simply sharing something positive on social media. 

If it's raining, put on your rain boots and go splash in some puddles and search for rainbows.

Be smart.  Bow your head in prayer if that is your belief.  Meditate. Take time to keep yourself and all those around you in a good place.  Walk in the sunshine.  Learn, read, grow...

The possibilities are endless, stop believing they aren't.

Think outside of the box that you have been living in. And do not live in fear.

Like I said, tons of things are swirling, so much I haven't had time to process.

Love and light everyone... I am holding space for you!

Soar...

I feel like this is a year of growth and exploration for me.   I guess when it starts as awful as it did, there truly is no where to go but up.  At least not for me.

I'm branching out and exploring things that I never considered before, or maybe considered, but truly never had the courage to act on.  I am deepening my relationship with myself.

I guess I am healing.

In that process of healing I am also prioritizing like I haven't done in... well I started to say decades, but I am not sure that I have ever done it.

I've always been willing to let others take control over my life journey.  Kind of drifting along and moving at whatever pace someone else set for me.  Whether it was frantic or relaxed.  I've never made me and my wants, needs and dreams a priority.

My trip to LA at the beginning of the summer was a bit spontaneous for me.  I usually do not take trips on short notice.  I don't do much on the spur of the moment.  I weigh and measure every action.

But sitting here at my kitchen island, while the cobblers I am baking for family and friends fill my house with an aroma that is beyond yummy.  Sipping my lukewarm coffee, because I've been distracted, and getting ready to leave as soon as they are out of the oven, I am reflecting and thinking about yesterday's adventure.

The day started as a sweat bath.  Literally!  Hubs and I were being so clever!  We were going to Eckert's to pick our week of fresh from the farm veggies and fruit.  We'll go early I thought.  Beat the brutal heat of the mid-west... I was sure of it.  Sure the thermometer read 88 at 9 am, but is that really hot?  Well if you live in the mid-west, off of a major river... the answer is yes. It's not only hot its disgustingly hot if you are in a field picking vegetables!

As we walked up and down the rows, my basket getting heavier by the moment, searching for the best looking cucumbers, peppers, tomatoes, onions, eggplants, zucchini's and more we were slowly melting.

The heat was absolutely ridiculous.   I've never sweat so much that my contact was threatening to float out of my eye.  Unreal!  But as I washed those veggies this morning and loaded my fridge for a week of nutritious and health filled meals. It felt worth it. Not to mention that I was really loving the extra steps that I managed to squeeze into my schedule.

There is a reason that our forefathers weren't always fighting against obesity.  Picking and hauling vegetables is hard work.  And I LOVED it!  It makes me miss my own garden so much.  There are veggies that I miss having fresh from the earth.  The crispness of a fresh picked radish is unbelievable.

We never made it to picking our own peaches, because as engaging and entertaining as our grandson was as we stopped on the ride back for all those eager peach pickers to get off the wagon, nothing could convince Hubs or I to get off that wagon.  Even the beautiful peach he was demonstrating to everyone was not enough to make us stay to even visit with him.  It was just too HOT! And we knew the farm store would have plenty of beautiful peaches for a fraction more. For a change, my cheap heart was thankful!

After lunch with our girls, my mom and my sister and her family who had arrived early for our niece's wedding today, a few of us decided to go to an event that I have always wanted to attend, but never make the time.  Hubs isn't a fan and I usually decide to blow it off.  But I really wanted to go and have a psychic reading.  So did my youngest niece.  Game on!

While Hubs went home to work, my sis and party went for manicures, my girls, mom, niece and I descended on the physic fair.  I've never had a Tarot Reading.  And the sheer number of styles and readers there was a bit overwhelming.  In my panic or confusion - who knows what it was, I was simply overwhelmed - I picked the first time available.  It was a native american reading.  It was quite an interesting experience.  I am very fluid in my beliefs and my faith in God never waivers, but I also find strength in things like astrology, spirit guides, psychics and much more. Pretty sure Hubs wonders what kind of a lunatic he's hitched his life to at times.

I find strength and power in connecting with the earth, in wandering through forests and being one with nature.  In my personal opinion too many of our problems today are due to the fact that we have wandered to far away from our connections to our earth, to nature, to the basics.  But that is something for another time.

As I'd never experienced a Tarot reading before I was definitely intrigued and had no idea what to expect or what was expected of me.

I'm still processing the experience.  It was odd in that without telling this person anything at all about me, what I have been experiencing, and where I need my support.  She told me many things about my journey this year, many things that I have shared here, and many of the things that I had determined for myself. Maybe I'm more in touch with my spirit guides that I realize?  Who knows.

I almost laughed out loud when she told me that the "story teller" was a prominent card for me and that I should consider taking up writing.  I don't usually share with people this little hobby of mine.  If you find it... I'm happy to know you are there.  If you don't, I am truly okay that you do not realize I exist.  It's just where I sort out my thoughts, fears, hopes and dreams.

Hubs thinks I'm silly for believing in things like Tarot, psychics and spirit guides, but he will never deter me from chasing things that make me happy.

As we sneak up on our 15th wedding anniversary (ha and people said it wouldn't last!) I realize that he has been encouraging his "hippie wife that doesn't do drugs" to simply be herself for a very long time.  He has always encouraged and supported my scattered directions and need to find myself.  I am blessed.  I didn't need a Tarot reading to know that, but it never hurts to be reminded that your true north is often right in front of you. You simply need to open your eyes, mind and heart.

And then Soar!

She said an eagle (the east wind) is leading me right now, it is keeping me both grounded with it's talons and soaring high above the clouds to see the path I am following.  And that my over arching protection and strength is ironically coming from the bear (the west wind) - ironically my sweet Hubs has always been my bear - guess I should pay attention!

Let's go SOAR!

pain...

There is a bright red male cardinal sitting outside my window, he's been bouncing all over the deck, looking in the window, checking out the still empty planters, sitting on the grill chirping at me. I know he's looking for the food that I haven't gone and bought.  We might have solved the squirrel situation, but the bright red house is still sitting empty.

He's pretty upset.

It's been a rough year folks.  A really rough year. 

My Dad has passed.  Things are currently a struggle at work - and I'm sure a lot of that has to do with where I am currently residing mentally.  I've allowed some not so great people into my life, I'm working on fixing that.  And on Monday I got the news that one of the dearest people I've ever known passed away.  It was unexpected, one of the B's and I had been questioning why we hadn't heard from her, but we've all been through a lot this year and simply didn't realize so much time had passed. That call shook us to our bones.

This Friday I will say good-bye to her.  I'm dreading it.  I am tired of the finality of it all. Next Saturday we will place some of Dad's ashes in his final resting spot.

I'm struggling really hard with so many things.  It feels like my world is spiraling out of control.  Remember being a kid on the merry-go-round?  Dad would say hold on tight and the push as hard as he could. Sometimes your legs would fly out in all directions, sure you were going to fly off into outer space?  Because as a kid you didn't realize that that truly couldn't launch you to the stars, but it sure felt like it.

That's how I feel now. 

I know that I'm not going to fly off the planet.  I know that my current world isn't strong enough to pull me to the other side.  But I have to admit, it sure feels it.

It's getting harder and harder to put a smile on my face.  To find my happy mask and make it through the day positive and upbeat.  My fibro is starting to flare for the first time in almost a year I am starting to feel the immense pain that signals the need for a break.

To step back.

I have some difficult things to get through over the next few days, and then it is time to take a break.  Not ideal timing, I have a golf tournament coming up.  But the reality is that there is never going to be an ideal time and my body and heart are telling me they've had enough for the moment.

I know the warning signs.  It's been 21 years in May. I also know the disastrous effects of not listening. I have ignored it and pushed through in the past only to have a long, torturous journey back to me.  I'm not interested in it.

Friday night I will rest.  I will focus on centering.  I will take long baths and leisurely walks with my dogs.  I will fill the bird feeder and plants flowers.  I might reconnect with people that I have been too "busy" to see.  I will do the things that feed my soul.  I will cry a few times.  I will laugh often.

I have a need to spend time with my loved ones.  To make memories and help each other heal from all the pain and damage we've suffered through.

I've stocked up on the things that make me feel whole.  I need to create when my world is like this.  It grounds me.  Hubs and I are already planning how to use some fairly empty space in our house to store all the soaps and bath bombs that I want to make so they can cure in peace and I still have room to do the laundry.

Well, it's time to find my mask and start the day.  As I look longingly at my new molds and visions of soap batter dances in my head.  I have tons of new versions that I am longing to try.  And the bath bombs... I do love a great bath and even more so with a bath bomb.  Dang you LUSH! 

Go find a cardinal and listen to it's song, it might be a loved one bringing you a message.  Hoping you will listen. Even if not, it will calm your inner turmoil.  Spend some time reconnecting in this disconnected world.  You definitely won't regret it.

hurting...

Apocaloptmist... That popped up in my memories on Facebook today.  The definition is that even though you know it's going to shit you still believe it will all be okay.

That is the world I have been walking in since the beginning of January.  Every step forward ends up going even further backwards. It's been brutal.  I feel like I am continually waiting for that next shoe to drop.

I keep looking for that ray of sunshine, that hopeful moment, the upswing.

I truly do feel they are coming.  As I am watching the rain outside the window, I am hopeful that it is washing away some of the negative energy that seems to be blanketing my world and the world of my loved ones.

Yesterday was spent in a numb bubble.  Dread is building up as we get ready to bury Dad's ashes. I am personally feeling very overwhelmed by it.  I've been to one other burial of a loved one.  I still struggle with it, the memory still stings my heart.  I don't know how I will handle it being my Dad.

I've opted to take vacation the week leading up to it, as it includes his birthday also and I will have to deal with that as well. Hubs will join me.  We are making plans that will keep us busy.  There will be motorcycle rides with picnics to take advantage of the spring days that are finally promising to break through.  We're working on a to do list, so many things are always left lingering on the edges.

We still have rooms that have boxes unpacked and we've lived here for almost 4 years.  There is a community wide yard sale coming up in a few weeks, I'm not a fan of yard sales, but if it will get a few things gone, it's worth it.

And at the same time, I am looking for things not to do.

This year has taught me so many lessons that I do not have the ability to even process yet.  It's also opened my eyes to many things.  I think that is why I am struggling so much. The loss of my father is horrible.  Yet I am not the first person to experience it and given that we are all moving towards death, I know that I am not the last person that will experience it.

It's other things that are weighing heavily on my heart and my mind. I am sure that the universe is whispering in my ear.  I'm starting to feel it is shouting at me.  Everywhere I turn there is another comment, meme, discussion, article or text that are all saying the same thing.

What are you spending your time doing?

What are all of us spending our time doing?  With the jaded glasses that I am currently looking through I am seeing a lot of us working for a living, but not for a life.

My rose colored glasses keep tinging darker.  They aren't so bright and shiny.

There are things going on in my world right now that are so much bigger than I have the capacity to deal with.  I know that I am struggling to hold all my bits and pieces together.  And as I watch the world around me, I feel like more and more of us are in the same place and time.

And each of us are trying to deal with it in a different way. Some of us are control freaks.  We are those people that are going to grasp the situation fully by the horns and make it fit our mold. Because if it fits and we can control it then it's all going to be perfect.

Other's hide.  If we don't see it, it's not really there.  We can hide physically, emotionally or we can hide behind things like smiles and humor.  Isn't it true that the best clowns were always the saddest people?

Some of us wander lost.  Afraid to take the steps that we KNOW we need and want to take.  Needing our security blanket of the everyday normal. We have ideas, thoughts and feelings that need us to pay attention, but we are insecure.  Afraid to take that chance.

Because all too often that chance is going to put us into a place we aren't comfortable. We are afraid to speak out because we've been conditioned to the norms that society has put into place. Afraid to take that leap.

I probably personally fall into the hiding and wandering column.  Afraid to be still, to listen, to see, to be aware of all of the signs around me.

The silence is so loud right now.  The roaring in my head is demanding attention.

And I'm afraid to listen to it.

I'm surrounded by people that are struggling and hurting.  I long to help, but know that I can't.

My own world is still too damaged and cluttered.  There are too many questions that need answers, too many journey's of my own that I am afraid to take.

I'm getting better about it.

I'm working on a plan for the future.  I mean for me that is a huge step.  I've always had dreams, but truthfully, the plan part has often eluded me.  I never write those dreams down and develop the steps needed to achieve them.  I just assume they will happen.

I'm trying to sort out this crazy pile of bits and pieces.

I'm trying to find my own path forward. Hubs and I are in the same place.  Knowing, dreaming, but not there.

The only thing that I am finding that is healing my soul is creating and nurturing.  It's being busy, but it isn't.  I've been following a Facebook page called Becoming UnBusy.  The more I follow, the more I realize what is missing and what I need.  I'm not sure if it caught my attention because all the meme's seem to depict a cup of coffee, but that doesn't hurt.

I am working on becoming UnBusy.  I'm working on really thinking about what I am spending my time on and if it is filling my soul with love, light and happiness.  And if it's not, then I am eliminating it.

The journey is just beginning, but I am loving the path it is following.  Even a journey like this needs a plan and then the commitment to see it through.

I think the world is a pretty crappy place for me right now, but I am choosing to keep smiling and focusing on moving forward.  There is a brighter place where smiles have the ability to always be real and not a mask.  I'm going to get there... I'm fighting to get all of my loved ones there with me too!

finding grace...

There is an older country song... it has a line in it "what a day yesterday was"... it is referring to a wonderful yesterday full of love, hope and dreams. 

"Yesterday" for me was definitely filled with stress, chaos and unhappiness. But what a day it was!

I woke up to my alarm going off at 5 am, just like it does most days.  I'd finally had a full night's sleep and was really feeling ready to tackle the world. The linger effects of the sinus infection had cleared up for the most part. I'd finally had a long rest without worry or stress.  It seemed like it was going to be a darn good day as I lingered in bed snuggling my little old baby boy, thankful for another morning of his being beside me.  Knowing the morning is going to come when it's a memory. 

The bliss ended rather abruptly. 

Hubs came upstairs, he'd been awake for a bit, with the news that the pain was more severe, in his shoulder and running all the way down his arm.  Accompanied by tingling and icy cold. Not news you want to hear first thing in the morning after checking out of the hospital two days before for evaluation.  Hadn't I gone and gotten all the med's the doc said I needed?  

As I am lying there sorting through the rearrangement of my day and arguing with Hubs that he probably needed to be seen again... the phone rings.

As I put on my glasses and picked it up wondering who was calling off work and what in the world was going on, I see it's one of my sisters. 

Took a deep breath before answering, a 6 AM call from one of my sisters is never good news. 

It wasn't. 

My Dad was in the hospital. He'd been out for dinner with Mom and starting feeling bad.  Winding up in the ER confirmed that he'd had a heart attack. Mom had been with him all night and sisters were on their way to take over waiting with him for a room, so Mom could head home to rest. 

I didn't feel dread, I truly feel like both of them will be okay. But anxiety was definitely rearing it's ugly head. 

Sisters said while Dad feels like crap, he will be fine.  Doctor said it was not life threatening. So I was able to focus on Hubs. 

While still arguing with him about being seen, because evidently it's okay to stress me out, to be in pain and scared and to tell me to just go to work and he'll drive himself to the ER. I had just finished telling him that I am a very strong woman because of a long line of jerks and I was not going to accept it from him, when...

The phone rang yet again. 

Trust me at that point the day was already getting old and I was thinking of chucking the phone out the window.  That call brought the news that a water main had broken and they were closing our building.  We're tenants, we don't really get a say in any matters like that. 

Calling my boss, working on helping put all the pieces together that come with an emergency shut down while trying to hurry and get ready to take Hubs to the doctor I was starting to feel very stressed and very angry.  It'd been enough for one morning. 

Slipping off my heels - as I no longer needed them on to look professional, putting on my fun vans... I mean come on doesn't everyone smile when they are wearing van's with cherries on them? I grabbed the bag with my laptop, some knitting and water.  I'd learned my lesson on Tuesday.  

We'd called his primary care doc and the heart doc that had released him.  Neither of them would see him.  Take him straight to the ER.  I knew it was going to be a long wait. 

It was.  

But... if I needed to have a moment to take care of everything and put it back into balance.  Yesterday ended up being the day.  With my building closed, I no longer needed to rush anywhere. And I could focus on the Hubs.  My sisters could keep me posted on my parents.  And I could stop for a moment in time, get some work done in silence and move forward. 

As luck would have it, the Doc that we got in the ER didn't stop looking for the problem after determining that it wasn't his heart.  That the blood pressure being so high might be a symptom of something else.  She started looking deeper. 

After a few more tests, and a few shots to bring the pain he was feeling into check, she determined that he has a pinched nerve. Something we had been wondering since Wednesday.  The arm that is hurting is one that he had surgery on a long time ago.  As they controlled the actual pain the blood pressure fell to a normal range.  Good news!! 

A call from a sister told me that my Dad was doing okay, they were working on stabilizing his blood pressure and that they would be keeping him for observation for a few days.  He will be okay too. 

And just as they were coming to a conclusion with Hubs, the phone rang.  The landlord was letting me know that we would have water again momentarily. So I was able to start reversing the tasks of the morning.  Needed to call all the workers back and get us back open. 

Sitting in the ER listening to broken conversations, beeping monitors and rushing steps in a very uncomfortable chair I was able to feel peace again. I was able to wonder at the power God has to make things happen the way that they need to.  Even if in that moment in time it doesn't feel like it. 

This morning I got up bright and early and started to get things rolling.  I am hosting a Pampered Chef party at my house.  This is a first for me, I never HOST parties.  I will attend, I will host an online, but I am definitely not a hostess person. Remember, I am not exactly friendly or sociable.  That being said, I happen to adore this sweet woman and would do anything I could to help her out. 

So... Fajitas and Margaritas are happening in about 9 hours.  I've invited everyone that I could think of and bought the best ingredients I can find.  The B's and my girl will be here and who know's who else.  I have enough to feed an army so hopefully it isn't just the seven of us. And if it is, well we'll just enjoy each other, laugh a lot and have a great time. 

For now... I'm catching my breath.  Tomorrow will find me back at work fighting the good fight, today, I need to have a bit of me time.  This stress is wearing me out!

day dreaming...

It's still, quiet and cold. 

The perfect formula for a quiet and lazy day at home.  Hubs is watching TV in his recliner - although he's napping a bit more, one of the joys of vacation time. The boys have both curled up on their respective sofa's, softly snoring and being lazy. 

Me?  I'm just enjoying nothingness. Is that a word?  Today is the first day in almost two full weeks that work has intruded, but I'm okay with it.  My boy has returned west and I am finally feeling a bit better.  I still can't hear, the echo and ringing is getting tiresome, but I am not exhausted and just plain sick. 

I have thought of a few different things that I want to do, but frankly, I am enjoying just sitting quietly.  

Flipping through my new cookbooks, daydreaming about what I will make first.  The decision is very difficult. Breads, soups, a meat dish?  I love German food and it feels like I have a recipe now for almost every dish I love, except for the elusive Brotchen recipe.

Daydreaming my way through my Craftsy classes and patterns. Do I have the energy yet to start a new project and what should it be? I'm dying to load up my craft bag that my boy bought me for Christmas.  To pick a multi-color project so I can enjoy the ease of knitting/crocheting without the threads tangling or twisting together. But is that what I really want to do?

I'm still sorting out the void.  The ending of projects, visits, events, the year.

Do I want to work on organizing my sewing room? Maybe plan menu's for the coming month?  

Does anyone else find themselves at such loose ends as the year ends?  The week between Christmas and New Years leaves me feeling lost. Or maybe it leaves me feeling unencumbered which is strange for me. 

I also feel reflective. 

I'm not a big fan of making resolutions.  Seems like a good way to make yourself feel more stress, thank you, but no. I am guessing that resolutions should be a good thing. Something to reach for.  Bench marks for future successes.  They are good. Right? 

Despite my loathing, I feel that I need to spend a bit of time simply looking back at the year gone by and setting goals for the coming year.  

For decades I have had "finish UFO's" on my to do list for coming year.  Each year I manage to acquire new projects and still not finish the ones that are sitting there unfinished.  There are sweaters, quilts, socks, piles of magazine's and books full of ideas I want to tackle.  There is needlework wanting attention, bits and pieces of projects long neglected.  Piles of quilt tops that are waiting to be quilted, some needing hand quilting, some can be done on the long arm. Either I ran out of time or interest.  No telling. 

Each year I think about meal planning.  Reality, I am not much of a planner where meals are concerned. Did I miss that part of Home Ec? I'm sure they tried to teach me, I must have zoned out for the semester? I feel if it were a skill I could master it would definitely make my daily life a bit easier. And my wallet a bit fatter.  We waste so much money eating out, simply because I can't decide what I am cooking for meals. Truth of the matter, I truly do not like eating out.  I am a good cook and I like the peace and quiet of my own dining room. 

Of course there is always the tried and true... Lose weight, exercise more, pay off a few bills, get more balance in my life.  Each year they are said and each time they sit there and languish, left behind as "life" intrudes.  

Hmmmm... maybe I am just enjoying sitting here. 

Daydreaming does have value after all.  I am afraid that I have forgotten that...

Now it's time to go cook some lunch for my biggest boy... and maybe make some soap? 

getting angrier...

I can't say that I am any less angry today.

I woke up to more calls for gun control.  I have my own theory on that, but guess what, it wouldn't have helped Ms. Norma.  She was shot with a BB gun.

Another one of my friends wrote that we need to discover the root.  The cause of the "evil" and "mental illness".  I don't disagree at all.  I'm wondering if we as a society are ready to rip those scabs off long festering wounds?  Are we ready to have an honest conversation?

Sadly, my faith in us as humans is not that strong right now, and my rose colored glasses seem to have developed a large crack in them. A few years ago on her birthday, one of my friends attended a ball game with her children.  One of her boys was shot, he will never walk again.  This week Ms. Norma was shot in the parking lot after doing some shopping.  Okay, it was a BB gun, and after surgery she will physically be okay.  That doesn't address the pain, suffering, mental anguish, the feelings of fear that will forever be there.

When will we as a society be ready to address the problems that are leading us down this road? When do we quit accepting the lies fed to us, to distract us by the media, politicians, etc?

My friend posed the question what is causing some of this? " What has changed in our society that people think it's okay to kill others? Is it a lack of personal responsibility, entitlement, the you're always right mentality? When did it start? Is it drugs, gmo's, too much processed food? I really think it is more than just saying the shooter is evil or mentally ill, what is causing this change in so many people? We need to look for the root of the problem."

I don't disagree with her.  I've watched this country change and not for the better over my lifetime alone.  How many times have my friends and I played the "remember when" game.  Most of the time we are joking around. Laughing about the things that we cannot believe have changed.  Remember drinking from a garden hose, remember staying outside until the street lights came on, remember your dad whistling to call you home, remember laying on the back of the car seats on a long drive.

Maybe it's time to examine those things?  Maybe it isn't a joke.  Maybe just maybe all of the changes and rules and regulations have had a deeper meaning.  Maybe it isn't about personal protection.  Maybe it was the start of laying the foundation for abdication of personal responsibility.

We live in a time where no one is held accountable for their own actions any longer.  From minor things, say getting into trouble at school.  When I was younger, you didn't get into trouble at school.  It was a guaranteed butt whooping from your parents. The question was rarely posed what did someone else do, it was "what did you do?" That's not to say that when facts were revealed you weren't believed if you were innocent.  The presumption simply wasn't that you had no part in drama that had befallen you.

I held true to that with my children.  They weren't innocent simply because they were my children. Yet, I would fight like the lioness that I am if you were ugly to my babies and they'd held no part in it.

But working in schools a few decades ago, I witnessed a shift.  It was subtle at first.  Then it became blatant. No longer was little Johnny or Suzy responsible.  They might have beat a child up, but surely it was the teachers fault.  The teacher didn't teach them the golden rule, the teacher didn't supervise them adequately, etc.

Is that when it started?

I read an interesting study the other day, it was about brains and how they form.  The studies have proven that a baby cradled and loved from day one developed better.  That children that were ignored, not cuddled of stimulated had less brain development.  Are we more focused on our phones and less on our families?

Is that part of it?

Look at the food we eat, look at the obesity problems in this country (others as well).  Is that part of the cause? I fear that when a grocery store had to start having an aisle labeled organic, that we crossed some scary lines.  I long for gardens and farmers markets.  I long for the days of herb gardens outside the door and knowing where your food came from and what happened to it.  I mean seriously, we raise our chickens here in the US and send them to China for processing.  I can't even wrap my head around that.

When we started to rely on welfare as a career?  Did that contribute?  I remember when I was younger over 40 years ago, hearing the words "I'd rather work, but I make more on welfare", over 40 years ago. Are we taking away a person's will to provide for themselves? Thereby killing their self esteem, and if so, why? I believe that when a person achieves for themselves they also feel good about themselves. I would rather work multiple jobs as opposed to feeling that I am being "taken care of".

I think that is one of the reason's I am so angry.  Ms. Norma is one of the hardest working women I know.  She's 81, she still rides buses and walks to work 5 days a week.  You will NEVER catch her sitting around, even when she shouldn't be doing a task for safety's sake, she will try if no one else is doing it.  She is so darn independent and strong. Frankly, I want to be just like her.  I want to make my kids worry that I am working too hard at 81.   And I want them to be proud of me as a mom and provider.

I could go on and on.

Children having children without the skills to raise them up.  Now that one is interesting, when you consider in the not so distant past if you were 16, unmarried and without children you were definitely bound for being labeled an "old maid" and destined to become a teacher.

At what point did we stop teaching our children basic life skills from the time they are little.  My oldest grand daughter is 11. If you were to meet her, you'd never believe it.  She is old beyond her years.  I credit my daughter with that.  She knows how to cook, clean, care for her animals, help with her baby sister, she understands money (and will host a lemonade stand or sell her possessions to purchase something she wants).  She shops in thrift stores and makes a game of saving money and still getting what she wants.  Oh sure, there are moments when the modern preteen sneaks into the picture, needing the coolest phone, dying for the perfect outfit, or her need to have her hair dyed wild colors.   In her short little life she has experienced some very traumatic things, if she wants her hair dyed, well so be it. The point is her mother is teaching her serious life skills.

We could go the route of drugs in our society.  But that is a far deeper conversation than I am prepared to have at this point.  One of my B's lost her precious son to that demon heroin.  Too many today are. My question, one that I often ponder, is the greed of pharmaceutical companies the starting block for where we are today?  I watched dear sweet Hubs struggle desperately a few years ago.  The pain was unreal, there was absolutely no relief for him, while the doctor that caused the problem did everything in his power to deflect from it and prescribed stronger and stronger opioids in  an attempt to mask the cause.  I picked up prescription after prescription, fighting with the doctors the whole time.  Terrified that I would come home and find him dead, simply in an attempt to kill that terrible pain. During the course of 9 months my share of the prescription cost was almost $1000, and I had great insurance that covered the bulk of the cost.  Let that sink in.

So is it drugs?

Is it a giant mixing bowl filled with all of the things we want to look past?  Is it a chicken and or the egg situation?

Do kids join gangs because they want to be important?  Or do gangs form because basic skills are not being taught and basic needs are not being me?. Do kids not get a quality education because of the system not providing schools or funds?  Or are teachers that could make a difference afraid? Is the result those same children are not able to get good paying jobs because the skills are simply not there?  Or is it the cause?

Are they using guns, drugs, gangs, violence because they don't know another way to survive? Or because it's the easy way? Or did they get tired of being hungry, cold, doing without, not knowing how to get what they need... oh the list is endless.

Has anyone spanked their butts out of love?  Or simply anger and aggression?  Have they been taught respect?  Have they been taught patience, love, doing for others?

I know my silly little blog is never going to solve all or any of these things.  I know that I cannot fix the world.  I hate that I am using my blog to pose more questions than any of us can answer.  I want to blog about the silly hats I made my youngest grand daughter.   I need to clear my heart first.

I hope this will start conversations.  I pray that Ms. Norma will be a starting point for a brighter future. A future where kids are outside when the firefly's come out and a future where 81 year old great grandmothers can go pick up fixings for chili after work without a fear of being run over or shot.

I know there are more evils in the world.  Heck in my own town and  country.  But I can't tackle them all.

I am blessed to work for a wonderful organization.  An organization that wants to make a difference in this world.  Last night at our kick off event, while worrying about Ms. Norma I saw our latest video for probably the 10th time.  Each time it gives me goosebumps.  Last night I almost cried. If you haven't seen it, I challenge you to watch it. The Y: US.

And finally I challenge all of you to please remember the golden rule "do unto other's as you would have them do unto you".  Each of us holds the power to work together to make a difference.  To change the narrative.   Are you strong enough?  That isn't judgmental at all.  I don't know if I am strong enough.

I am willing to try.  Are you?  Can we keep the conversation going?