stuck...

Currently finding myself in that weird space, the one where there is so much that you want to accomplish that you cannot move forward. I am spinning and feeling twisted.  

It's not a bad thing, it is definitely something I completely recognize about myself. I used to feel it a lot in my old job, when there were several major deadlines looming with the stress and challenge level high. It was never about my ability to complete the task, it is almost always about indecision paralyzation. I think at some level all of us experience from time to time.  I know my triggers and I am well aware of how they effect me. 

I currently have about 7 projects that I need to either complete or start.  Maybe more if I am honest.  And I am feeling absolutely frozen.  Which one to tackle, what order, which has the shortest deadline (ummm, right now, none), etc. I am allowing everything and it's brother to distract me. 

Go out to lunch?  Sure, that will take most of the day right? Doctor's appointment?  I need a few hours to prep for that 15 minute drive... don't I? 

I want to complete it all.  I am anxious to start, to complete, to do.  But I find myself frozen.  Without a path forward, because of indecision. 

It isn't just about projects, it happens to me with all changes, with all situations.  I can end up in turmoil over dinner sometimes.  And don't get me started about planting a garden or a painting project. 

seriously even my hydranga is confused
I mean, pink or purple?

I envy the people that always seem to know what they are doing, when to accomplish it, how much time and effort the project or activity will take. 

Here's the kicker.  I do this to myself.  I also know exactly how to fix it.  Yet I will continue to create chaos for myself for a bit longer.  Then I will make a list of everything that needs completion.  And I will simply start. 

I think for most people that simply starting is the hardest part.  So instead we sit and stew, we worry, we feel frozen. We wait for the appropriate time to begin without interruptions, without distractions, that perfect moment and time.  Failing to realize that perfect moment in time is when you simply begin. 

For me it is also a fear of failure.  I hate to fail at anything! So I stall, I drag my feet, I live in a world of excuses and distractions to avoid taking that chance. I do and don't understand why I am like that.  I know my daddy always wanted his girls to be perfect, but oddly, other than school work, I never felt pressured to be someone I'm not. Look at society, it's always pushing perfection.  I think the external forces and the fear of failure make me question my abilities. 

The not good enough factor, the internal messaging to stay in mediocrity to avoid the shame of failure. When the truth is that each of us is a bright shining star.  Maybe not in everything, heck, no maybe's about it.  Definitely not in everything.  Yet inside all of us are talents, sparks, gifts to share with the world if we become brave enough to put them out there on display. 

I have loved to write since I was a little girl.  I was a voracious reader, I could lose myself for days and read anything I could get my hands on. Somewhere along the line, someone criticized my writing and I stopped. They told me that I could never write, that I didn't have the skill.  Part of me still believes that person.  I still hears those words.  Is my grammar perfect?  No.  Do I use perfect sentence structure?  Of course not.  Is my writing great, probably not.  Is it great for me?  YES!  It's an outlet for my voice.  It's a way to organize my thoughts and dreams.  I write for me. 

When Hubs encouraged me to start writing I made a decision, it would always be for me.  That is why it is named the way it is.  B'longab - because it belongs to B. A play on words from a movie he used to watch. I had people ask me if it was going to be an instructional blog, was I going to teach or share things for people to use.  No, I don't think so.  Could I do one about quite a few different things, yes, I've toyed with it a few times.  I just don't want to. Writing takes time, time I would rather spend doing the things.

I truly do write whatever moves me. And also to prove to myself that the person that dimmed my fire for writing a long time ago was wrong.  That I can write. How good is entirely another topic all together. 

I guess what I am saying is, I also have the ability to follow other dreams and allowing myself to get wrapped up in indecision paralyzation is not going to get me there.  If you read this blog, thank you.  And also bless you, because you are definitely sitting ring side to the chaos that swirls in my head. 

This morning I took the first step to unraveling the twisting going on. I hung my adventure sign on my door.  I had really spiraled when I inadvertently called my sewing room my office. The name office, made it all feel official.  And the officialness of it was what caused the momentary panic. And paralyzation. 

Like my tattoo on my ankle says "what if I fail, but oh my darling what if you fly?".  Just like failure is always an option, so is success.  And the definition of that success is only defined by me.  So what is causing this insanity?  Oh yeah, me...

In a few short moments I am going up to my "office" formally known as my sewing room.  I am going to tidy it up, it's a bit cluttered right now, just like my mind.  I am going to stage my projects, I am going to make a formal list (it's time) and I am going to focus.  

I fell in love with a t-shirt a few weeks ago.  I was talking with my sister about it, that girl has some crazy skill with her Cricut and she made me the vinyl for it.  In typical me fashion I could not decide on the type of shirt I wanted it on.  So she handed it to me with directions for completion once I picked it out.  I finally found the shirt I wanted, sort of, ended up getting way to big a size, but hey... it's definitely cozy! It describes my world, it is where I am and where I am loving being. 

Maybe that's part of the challenge.  For the first time ever I have been given the freedom to live my best life.  To do the things that bring me joy and happiness and like a kid in a candy shop I simply can't choose. 

I finished the shirt, I love it!  It makes me smile.  Just like my projects bring me joy and happiness. 

Sweet sleeping Hubs helped make
and bottle my wine!

Guess what, it's truly okay to have it all and do it all and bounce and be free!

Now... which one first???

clutter...

Good morning sweet dreary Monday!  I have a to do list a mile long, I am becoming addicted to cleaning out stuff.  And I have a bunch that has been packed up in storage for years that needs to be cleaned up before the yard sale on Saturday. 

Before I really dig in, I've done a bit of tidying already but the digging in needs to wait, I need a bit of me time first.  Hot coffee, the birds chirping (I noticed this morning we have a pair of hummingbirds that have found the feeder), and the surrounding silence are all things that I need a moment to savor. For far too long my world has been a series of rushing from point A to point B with a detour to D, M & Z and back again.  Okay now I am totally laughing inside my head, did you notice the letters I randomly picked? DMZ - being a brat - that will always be the demilitarized zone - was that a Freudian slip? 

I'm enjoying this slower more intentional life!  It feels calmer, I am far more centered than I have ever been.  I feel productive, like I am making a difference in my own life for a change.  I love it!  As I made Hubs' lunch and a hot breakfast this morning I enjoyed the calmness, the ability to take my time and provide for him.   Not that I didn't before, but it was different.  It was intentional. 

In a few I will go and sit out back and play my singing bowl, I will sit in quiet meditation and listen to the sounds around me.  I am resetting myself.  I am learning to listen to my inner voice.  It is sometimes a bit loud at the strangest times, like at 2:22 am when it wakes me from a dead sleep to let me know I am not listening. 

When in fact, I am hearing it loud and clear.  I am working on the more human aspects of pushing ego aside and having pure faith.  If you are in that process yourself you understand, if not, well just wait.  Because all of us reach a point in our lives where we will learn to step forward in pure faith.  Ego simply tells us not to because it thinks it is protecting us, it isn't.  It's stopping us.  As I gently thank ego for all of it's hard and dedicated work over all of these years, I am longing to lean further into just knowing and stepping out in pure faith. 

I have a tattoo on my right ankle, it is a beautiful watercolor, it says "What if I fall?  Oh but my darling what if you fly!" Those words have deep meaning to me.  Which is why they are on my ankle. I can only fall if I don't have faith.  I have always believed that, but for far too long I didn't put it into action.  Darn ego had me believing it was false. 

It's definitely a bit unnerving and a bit empowering all at the same time.  This week I will focus on cleaning up the past, starting fresh.  After Sunday, I know where my focus is moving to.  I know where my thoughts and heart are taking me. I will spend a bit of time this week reaching out to different groups.  Particularly the one that my reader recommended, finding out if there is a need or even an avenue of desire for what I feel drawn to do. 

I will continue to pray and meditate on it, so maybe it will stop reminding me in the middle of the night. 

As I reset and refresh it feels so good to my heart. As I learn to let go of my ego self and simply be, that feels even better.  I understand where my sweet boy is coming from when he says he would be okay staying/working at home forever.  The fact that I have not been exposed to many people and their energy has definitely been helping me as a person. I am afraid that for far too long, I gave too much to others and didn't save much for me.  As I was going through some old thank you notes I've saved today I notice a strong reoccurring theme... they all seemed to realize what I was simply blind to.  That I gave far too much and carried even more to help others down their road. 

I'm still going to do that, but in a far more structured manner.  I feel almost as good about this path and place and time as I did in Germany when I finally learned to say no.  It was so very hard to do.  When people needed help or wanted something done and no one else would step forward I always raised my hand and said I would do it.  That was how I ended up so involved in Scouts, PTA, yearbooks, wives clubs, etc.  At one point I had a complete inability to simply say no.  I believed everyone that said no one else will do it, I couldn't bear for those things to not happen.  So instead of healthy boundaries, I stepped in and gave too much of me.  I didn't realize the loss to my family, my friends or even myself.  I remember sitting up late into the night with tears in my eyes, simply wanting to go to sleep, but knowing there was a deadline on the yearbook and all those "dedicated students" that I was leading had lost the drive once it became boring and tedious. 

I've learned a bit more about life than I knew before.  I have also learned a bit more about my own value as a human.  I have far more respect for me than I used to possess.  I understand that as a human I am more than a machine for something I am not passionate about. I am a strong woman, but I am also okay leaving that title aside and simply being a human. 

Yesterday I made a tongue and cheek comment about I was excelling at being a 50's housewife (my sweet Hubs' ideal woman) and the person I made the comment to replied that I could never be a 50's housewife, I was simply too strong.  I've thought about that for a few hours now.  And I've decided that the truth is somewhere in the middle.  I have a passion for being a homemaker, I was denied it for far too long, but being a strong woman... that comes from being a wife, a mom, and a caregiver.  You have to be strong to be able to be all of those things.  

I've said it in the past, and I am going to say it again, I come from an incredible line of strong women.  There energetic power, strength and most importantly love runs strong in my blood and my DNA.  And as I am further discovering who I am and who I am yet to become I am thankful for each of them. 

deeper...

I have received some of the greatest gifts in the past few years.  I have learned so much.  I always feel that people and events come into your life when you need them the most.  Usually for the next phase of your journey.  

The past few years have felt very fluid to me.  Some things are clear as day, others feel hazy and as if they happened an eternity ago.  I'm a person that is very rooted in living in the present.  I suck at long term plans and I struggle to remember the past (sometimes as close as a few days/weeks ago).  I am happiest when my world simply follows it's natural path and flows. 

As I have learned more about meditation, energy work and self-care, I've also discovered the power I personally receive when I practice these things.  I don't think envy is the word, but I am in awe of the people I know that have spent years developing their skills in these areas. What a blessing this must be to them and those around them.

I had started working on developing Reiki skills, except I allowed those darn have to's to get in the way. I am considering starting that journey again soon.  The timing feels better for me now. I don't have so many commitments to others.  

I am enjoying this phase. The peace in my very soul is comforting.  Every morning for over a year, I have drawn an energy card.  I have focused on the same question daily, what do I need to know today. I'm not one of those people that goes to a reader with a list of questions, in fact when asked I never think of a single question, simply what do I need to know. I remember when I was introduced to these cards, I remember the feeling associated with them. I remember the wild and crazy thoughts that they introduced into my very being. 

Over the course of this time I have drawn several so many times that I felt I was a complete idiot for not understanding or that I was too simple to make the needed changes to be "unstuck", frankly I even considered that my deck was faulty and I was lousy at shuffling. Especially given that many of them revolved around needing to move away from the path I was on, that people I trusted should not be trusted, that there were powerful male/female energies that were basically harming me as I continued on my path. 

As life has evolved recently, they have shifted.  Eight days ago I pulled "door to personal healing and happiness", it followed a week of Archangel cards.  And since that day, I have pulled an increasingly heart warming and powerful set of cards.  Each one seems to be telling me I am on the right path. 

I feel comforted and strong in this understanding.  I feel blessed. I drew one that focused on community and loss, it was so raw and honest, I did lose a community. It was time to lose that community and now I am finding the people that are truly my tribe.  I am finding joy in continuing to have them in my circle.  

My circle feels stronger.  It feels bolder. Almost like a giant sharpie has created a border around it. Time feels more fluid than ever now.  Yet the time with my family, my friends and my tribe feels far more focused and fulfilling. 

When I wake up in the mornings I feel peace.  My anxiety is almost gone.  The stress of checking off boxes that have no meaning to me is fading. Conversations no longer drift guiltily to topics of depth and feeling, they intentionally start there. 

For so long I felt like I was living life floating on the surface.  Knowing there was so much more, that the colors and shapes below the surface were breathtaking and rich.  Yet feeling like they were out of reach, that in order to survive I had to keep floating, to keep playing superficial games and living in a bubble of superficial ideas. 

All the while longing for that place that was seemingly out of reach. 

For what seems like a lifetime, I have been the odd one, the square peg trying to fit a round hole, the one that just never quite fit. I was convinced that there was something terribly wrong with me, that I was broken. 

I don't feel that way any longer.  I am not so sure I was the odd one, the wrong peg or out of place.  I feel like I have simply been trying for far to long to be someone I was never meant to be. Like I was hiding my light under not only bushels, but rocks - afraid to let the world see who I truly am. 

Ahhh... the gifts of time, age and gaining unconventional wisdom... I will never be a round peg, years of trying have never softened and molded my edges.  I am never going to see the world with conventional eyes.  I don't do well with peer pressure and I definitely don't like being bullied.  I will give love and encouragement freely, I don't need anyone else to define me.  

In an odd way, I feel that I had to complete a very uncomfortable journey where I did not fit in, in order to be reborn as the person I have always known I was. I will proudly own the quirky edges of who I am, I want to color outside the lines and experience all of the incredible adventures this world has to offer.  I don't want to be stuck in a low vibrational state.  I'm tired of checking off boxes. I'm exhausted from being politically correct. 

I am finally ready to simply be me.