buckle up!

It's a new year, new decade, new moment in time.

I've been a bit silent.  I am still processing many things that are manifesting themselves in my world.  Most external things are just as they've always been. My Hubs, kids and grands fill my world with love, meaning and purpose.  I have a career that most of the time I love, and the rest of the time challenges me to grow as a person. 

And I have me.

I don't understand the significance of 2020 to me, but for some reason it is resonating and demanding my attention.  All of this is a season of change for me, the person.  I will be 55 in this year.  I was talking to my girl the other night and casually made the comment "I'm only going to be 55 this year"... she laughed at me, I think with a bit of disbelief.  I am not sure she is handling her number this year so easily.  It was what she said in response that has made me really climb into this deep level of thought and processing.  Her comment was "yeah... I feel like you are starting the second half of your life..." there was other parts to her comment.  Parts that circled around the journey's that I felt inclined to start last year. 

The me part of this is hard.  I am not a person that puts my own needs or wants first.  Before anything else I am a wife, a mother and grandmother. I've always squeezed things of importance in my life into the cracks left after being those things and a dedicated employee. I feel I am probably a very slow learner, because I think the first thing I truly did for myself was this blog.  I started writing it to sort out my thoughts, hopes and dreams.  Truthfully, I don't know how much sorting I have done, but as it has ebbed and flowed over the years I have learned to live a bit more holistically.  I have slowly learned that all of the bits and pieces come together to make a whole person, if you pay attention.

In July when I lost my heart boy, my sweet and precious Gator, I felt another piece snap into place. I had to work through the grief, the pain, he'd saved my heart so many times.  I was struggling through some health issues that I didn't want to deal with.  I didn't feel like it was important enough.  Correction, I didn't feel that I was important enough.  I was biting my lip and dealing with pain that was almost unbearable, and I was doing it in silence.  Because I hate leaving my problems for others. When I picked up my sweet boy for the final time, worried that the pain would stop me, I knew it was time.

I scheduled appointments, discovered what they believe was causing it and found out that doctors today don't really care about you as a person.  You are simply a paycheck in far too many instances. That's fine.  I am a strong researcher, I will find holistic ways to deal with the problem. 

The universe had been guiding me towards the answer for almost two years, but in my stubbornness and single focus on just surviving life, I refused to see the signs or hear the messages.

Enter whole food, plant based.  It's been six months now.  As long as I focus on clean plant based foods, I am in great health.  There is no pain - not even fibro pain.  I have energy and clear focus.  There are days that just like every human on the planet, I can be lazy and don't have the energy for a clean plant based diet.  I slide into the world of vegan junk food.  Things that are fried or processed.  Whatever it takes to get through the week.  I can tell instantly that I have done it.  The scales goes the wrong direction from massive sodium intake, I ache, I'm sluggish, and just feel yucky.

I'm digressing.

2020 has been consuming.  I've been digging deep into many things.  I'm still digging. I haven't created a rock solid plan, but I don't believe that there is a rock solid plan.  I believe that it's important to flow with the universe.  To follow the guidance that exists in our very souls.  We just have to listen. The mind is a powerful thing.  Words are a powerful thing.

I started walking and was evening trying to escalate to a bit of running.  That did not go well, the running part, so I will not do that again.  And even though at the time, I could barely walk on my "good knee"... I signed up to walk a total of 2020 miles this year.  The only person I am racing against is me.  I want to prove to myself that I can do it.  It's such a powerful feeling.  I also now know that I will never be a runner, unless I want two knee replacements, I don't.

2020 is my year to explore me.  To dig into what makes me tick and feed it. For the first time, I am giving myself total permission to fill my bucket first.  I started slowly last year.  I actually asked to explore the Great Smokey Mountains and add an unexpected day to our journey.  My sweet loving Hubs knew it was important, he didn't hesitate.  Even when we both were getting super tired and longing to stop driving.  We celebrated the moments.

What I am finding is that by saying something is important to me and acting on it, it doesn't diminish my ability to be a loving partner and mom.  I feel happier.  Hubs can do the things that fill his bucket, I don't have to sit and absorb another movie for the 50th time, just because he loves it.  It doesn't make who we are less important.

That is a lesson I am still learning. I love to walk with him.  It was our thing for so very long.  When he stopped, I stopped, I felt guilty continuing.  Like I was betraying an "us" thing. We have so little time that we get to spend together, I didn't want to steal minutes from that bucket simply for me.  When I started walking again a few months ago, I knew it was something that I needed, I was very mournful at first.  I was hurt that he didn't want to walk with me, when I had not wanted to walk when we first started walking together.  I felt resentful, I had done it for him, yet he wouldn't do it for me. Then something magical happened. 

I was able to set my own pace, be lost in my own thoughts and music, call loved ones and spend that time catching up with them.  Hubs was filling his bucket and I was learning to fill mine.  I was learning crucial lessons. 

I am giving myself permission to be me.  It's scary!!

I have always believed that I had to be just so to be part of a marriage, a friendship, as a parent, as a person.  I've always smashed my essence down to lift up what I believed was needed of me.

For almost 18 years my sweet Hubs has been teaching me that it was okay to be me.  I might not have always heard it.  In fact, I would say I have rarely realized it.  I was forcing myself into the role I thought he wanted from me, when all along he was okay with who I am.  My heart knew it belonged with him, that he is the person that completes my quirkiness.  We are not really remotely the same as people, but we are a love that was meant to be.  We are each others Yin and Yang.  Somethings we both love, others belong strictly to one or the other.  We support each other.  He has never told me no.  I have told me no many times.

2020 is a year of expansion, of exploring passions and desires.  It will be a year of much and a year of less. 

I don't know how much I will write.  I am still determining that.  I also don't know that it will follow the same style.  Probably will, as I believe the way I write is a true reflection of my soul.  I am a very simple woman.  There is very little complexity to me.  I am open and honest.  I feel that will remain. 

I have a wonderful life.  The bumps, bruises and tears only make the fabric of my life blanket richer.  I am focusing on doing things that fulfill me.  I want others to be part of my journey, but I need to finally realize that self-care is not selfish.  It isn't always about massages, facials, or manicures.  It is about experiences, it is about following your very heart, it is about being still and listening to the voices that are guiding you.  It is about the very power of the word NO.  Not using it abusively, but judiciously.  It is also about realizing and internalizing that you are not alone in this world, that your words, actions and beliefs can cause harm and hurt.  It is about knowing yourself and creating a harmonious life journey.  Lifting others as you lift yourself.

At least that is what I am coming to understand.  It might change as I continue to grow and as I continue on this journey that is filling my heart and making me feel strong.

I'm ready to tackle the next half of my life.  I am excited to celebrate my 55th trip around the sun and I plan to do so in the best physical and mental shape of my life.

I am ready!!

baby steps...

Disappointed. Turned back the clocks.  Excited to know that there was one more hour of precious sleep.  It doesn't change a darn thing when you are wide awake at what should have been 4:30 am, ready to take on the day.  Except for the shock of seeing the clock on the phone telling me it was only 3:30 am... ugghhh... seriously?

Wide awake.  Full of energy and ready to tackle the world.  As the world felt a little huge, especially at 4:30 am, I decided to start with my laundry pile.  It felt manageable. 

After a few hours of ironing and laundry, yes I have been working a bit more than taking care of the household chores, Hubs asked if I wanted to take advantage of this beautiful morning and take our Neeko for a walk at one of his favorite parks. 

It was a brisk 31 degrees, I was definitely game for it.  I had already made a commitment to walking a minimum of 10,000 steps a day for the week.  It seemed like Hubs had heard my private thoughts as I was working through my ironing.  I miss walking with Hubs in the mornings, it provided me with a weird balance that I needed.  I have been longing for it.

To further encourage myself, I signed up for some virtual walks.  I love to compete against myself, I do not love to compete against others.  I do best with external tracking for accountability. I struggle to push through to make time for things important to me.  I will put myself last if I am not recording it somehow.

Bundled up and a short drive to the park, we didn't quite own it, we had to share a bit with two other pups and their people.  Each of us strolling along, enjoying the sites and sounds.  We weren't sure if Neeks could handle much of a walk.  He's definitely getting up there, next week he will turn 15.  He did awesome, it wasn't fast.  It didn't need to be.  It needed to be mentally fulfilling. It was.

Hubs and I just finished watching Game Changers... Each time I watch another documentary, I find myself slipping further down the rabbit hole.  Or maybe I am climbing out of it.  The things I am learning, being exposed to and finally understanding, are mind blowing. I highly recommend it.

I struggle with the misinformation that I am finding I have grown learning.  The need for milk, meat, protein is only available from eating animal foods. Such falsehoods.  I love watching these shows with Hubs.  Both of us are learning.

I am using this day to work on my food prep for the coming week.  I am also working on my cooking class.  I am getting ready to roast a few veggies, cook more beans, I am on a mission to master the things that will help us to live our best lives.

I need to get back at it, I finished the black beans - they turned out fantastic and I want to use them to make some black bean burger patties.  And I need to get those Adzuki beans cooking.  I am intrigued.  I have not had them in the past, it is time to expand our horizons. I also need to make the "Chickpea Curry" that I am taking for our team today. 

bucket filling..

The air is crisp. My bourbon cider holds the scent and warmth of fall. When we open the door the scent of wood fires fills the air.  Most of us have fireplaces.  When you look around you can see the smoke curls rising from each home. I love autumn.

Hubs and I had the blessing of spending this day enjoying the season change.  There are only two more farmers markets before the outside season fades.  They will move it indoors, but it won't be the same.  There is something wondrous to me about walking in the cold, crisp air, picking each piece of produce that will come home with me.  Enjoying the scents, the colors the overwhelming beauty and abundance. Today they had bourbon laced hot cider.  The closest that I will probably ever get to having hot gluwein at a fest again.  It warmed my fingers that were slightly chilled.  It warmed my very soul.

As the weather cools, I often drift back in my memories to Germany.  This is when I miss it most.  I have found many good things here, I miss my memories, but I have made many new ones that I cherish as well.  But the air turning crisp... it always takes me home to Germany.  Add a farmers market, well it brings it flying home to my heart.

As we walked through the stalls, chatting and enjoying all of the vendors.  Of course I have my favorites, and I might have really stocked up on the freeze dried treats for Neeko.  And Hubs found another shop that was selling other dog treats, he of course bought a big bag.  He actually opened it and shared it with a sweet pittie in a pair of piggie jammies.  Cora was adorable, she made me smile and cry at the same time.  It's been a moment since I have felt the softness of a beautiful square pittie head.  I had to step away, the tears were burning my eyes. Her precious butt wiggle reminded me so much of my sweet boy.

Basket weighed down with treasures, fresh breads, beets, carrots that looked like a painting, radishes that were pulled this morning. Crunchy apples, and beautiful organic acorn squash, onions, scallions and garlic.  The treasures were a welcome blessing from the earth to us.  As we continue on this journey it becomes far more ingrained, it also becomes more personal.

Heading out, the autumn sky a bright and vibrant blue, I made the command decision to head for the great river road.  We'd missed the previous two weekends.  Between work and weather there had been no chance to savor and enjoy the beauty of the season.  I knew it was waning, but I wanted the opportunity to breath in the fall air, to marvel at the overwhelming beauty of the maples, aspens, red buds and any other trees still holding their own. It was almost 50 degrees.  As soon as it hit 55, we bundled up in our coats and scarves and dropped the top of the beetle.  Nothing should stand in the way of enjoying a beautiful day.

The river was really high, usually by this time of the year, it was tame and low, almost shallow in spots is how it usually appears.  This year, it's never really dropped. I was shocked by how high it was as we drove through Grafton on our way up to Pere Marquette. It was at the stilts on many of the river front buildings.  The very spot we walked for my birthday just a few months back was under water.  It's been a tough year for the river towns.  Although, the river town folks are survivors, they stand steady and strong. 

Pere Marquette did not disappoint.  Although it was more crowded than I have ever experienced it, and oh yeah... not a people fan! So it was a bit less enjoyable than I'd hoped.  I can't blame them, the chance to walk along the trails and enjoy the vibrant colors is definitely worth the drive.  We'd consider crossing over on the ferry and enjoying the Brussels side of things, but it was getting late in the day and Neeks would need a walk before too long.  The Great River Road is about 45 minutes away for us, we have to use our time wisely.

I was being a bit of a brat, my body was hurting from my attempt at flying yesterday (FYI - I can't), I was feeling a bit of a headache and frankly just out of sorts.  I hadn't wanted to go to a winery, they weren't calling my name.  Frankly both of my favorites have become a bit too commercialized for me to enjoy them. I loved when they were a bit more intimate, a bit more homey.  Now they are just raking in dollars and doing whatever they can to continue it.  Therefore, I wasn't interested.  I mean I don't blame them in the least, but they no longer suit who I am.  Their choice, my choice.

Well my bratty self decided that I was getting a bit hungry - I mean we had only eaten two vegan tamales - oh they are heavenly and so filling sweet potato, black beans, corn - perfection on a chilly day at the farmers market, but it was almost 3 and that was all we had eaten for the day.  I'd heard about a new vegan place in Alton - seriously?  I mean I didn't think they had anything but Fast Eddies, fast food and bars.  I wanted to try it out.  Finding it was not the easiest, it's the only shop besides a post office in the entire strip mall.  And the only seating was outside, it was in the shade and the sun was sinking fast over the bluffs... brrrr... and totally worth it all!  In fact we are heading back for lunch tomorrow. What's 45 minutes between friends?  Oh yeah, both ways.

Pepperoni and green olive pizza... gluten free and vegan!  All the sauces and the cheeses are house made and OH DEAR LORD amazing!  Everything was amazing and as we were leaving, after visiting with the owners for a while Mom, daughter and grand daughter we knew we were in love with this tiny off the beaten path little shop.  That was when mom decided we needed to try her "ish" and home made tartar sauce.  What in the world??  It was amazing!  In fact, that is what we are going to have tomorrow.  It was better than any fish I've ever eaten.  I kept checking to make sure it truly was vegan. I cannot wait until tomorrow!

As I prepped my veggies to store for the week, set my beans to soak and simply enjoyed being, I was savoring this day.  I almost had to work.  Several of my team offered to take it, one was even willing to interrupt her vacation so I could have a rest day.  I let one of the others, that had to be there anyhow.  Tomorrow will find me back at it, we have more equipment to move to get ready for the final week of flooring install. But today was a gift. 

I needed it.  I didn't get much done in the tangible sense of the word.  But mentally... wow... mountains were moved.  I feel renewed.  Sure back still stings from the fall yesterday, the left foot in general - not truly happy.  But the mind and soul... they are where they need to be.  Ready to face the world.

Tomorrow will be soon enough for cooking, laundry, maybe even a batch of soap.  Today... today was for rest, relaxation, beauty and time with the Hubs. 

You can't pour from an empty bucket!