my journey...

As I am exploring my own journey, I am finding myself seriously questioning many things about our modern world.

My Dad's death has really put a laser focus on things for me.  We didn't see it coming, not at first.  There were many things we still wanted to do, places to go, dinners to have, holiday's to celebrate.

Listening to the news here in St. Louis this past week has been incredibly sobering.  So many deaths.  A man celebrating his birthday - a newlywed with two young children. Gone.  A fourteen and a sixteen year old.  Gone.  What kind of society are we creating? 

I am starting to look at things in a very different light.  I've truly enjoyed my week off.  I've had relaxing time with my family.  This weekend, even though the reason was sad, I spent time with all of my sisters and my mom.  I have spent hours creating.  And even more hours engrossed in the fine art of doing nothing.

I've really been struggling with keeping my social media and possibly stopping writing my blog.  I haven't decided on those two yet.  I guess it will depend on how much energy they zap from me.

I've listened to Hubs deal with the same struggles I am.  Although I don't think he has reached the same spot that I have. He's still struggling to be everything to everyone.  It makes me sad. He has desperately needed this time to regroup.  He hasn't really gotten it.

When did we become a society that is always on call?  That is expected to respond to everything immediately?  I remember in my children's lifetimes leaving my home for hours on end and not speaking to anyone that wasn't immediately with me. I remember long walks in the woods with our dog Raja.  The only sounds breaking the soft silence would be the sounds of nature. A bird chirping, the rustle of a deer or occasionally the not distant enough rumble of a boar.  Every now and then I would hear a hunter's gun, but I never worried about it.

I'm as guilty as the rest of the world.  The very things that connect us... they are dividing us also.  How many times do we pull out our phones while having dinner or waiting somewhere.  The silence that used to be filled with conversation is now filled with surfing the internet, playing games, checking email.

For days I've heard a song playing in my head.  Talking about going back to a simpler time.  Gotta Go Back - Joey and Rory.  Getting our lives on track. 

For a long time my life hasn't been on track.  It's been on a wheel like you see in a rodent cage.  I keep running faster and faster, but there hasn't been any progress.  I've been checking off boxes on a never ending to do list.

I need to pull the pins that are holding my track in a circle.  Take a torch to the seams.  It's what needs to happen.

I was talking to one of my "b's" yesterday.  We were talking about this crazy world we are now living in.  How people don't treat each other very nicely and some of the outrageous things we have both witnessed and heard lately.  Marveling repeatedly over the death and violence that seems to be running rampant.

It's overwhelming.  I can't fathom it.  I told her that I really wanted to write a blog about it, but I seriously could not sort out my thoughts about it enough to do so. 

I don't know where all of this disconnect stems from, but it really is overwhelming to witness, to be part of, to simply exist in.

We all seem so busy.  There isn't time to simply stop.

A day of rest seems like you are doing something wrong. Keeping your work day in an 8 hour or so window seems to be a thing of the past. One of my new directors didn't have an opener and her new closer hasn't started yet.  She seriously told me that she planned to work both shifts.  Mentally, my jaw dropped. I told her no.  I would work the evening as she was opening.  I've done that open to close thing.  It was brutal and frankly, I checked out half way through the day out of sheer exhaustion. Was I excited to close?  Not really - I am not a night owl and seriously struggle with being up past 8 or 9 at the latest on week nights. But I definitely preferred that to her sacrifice.  Ended up she was able to find a closer.  I am still feeling sad that she felt that was her only option.

It's all about balance.

It's about simplicity.

Maybe as a country we are sliding into a black hole that values things more than people.  I mean look at the lines every time the newest iPhone comes out.  Do they stand in line like that to take their children to the park?  Do we put our phones on silent in the bottom of our bags when we are out enjoying our families and friends? 

I'd like to say I didn't check my work email even once while I was out.  It would be a lie.  I was more selective than usual, but I didn't ignore it. 

Unbusy. 

I need to practice this a lot more.  I need to use my time and energy far more wisely.  Yesterday I was so busy "catching up" that I never even stopped for lunch.  I made a quick stop at the cemetery on my way in, to turn in the paperwork to get Dad's headstone ordered, and then I didn't stop again until almost 6 pm.  Munching on a few crisps and drinking too much coffee.

By the time I got home, all I could think about was the fact that I was shaking and exhausted.  Was I my best all day?  Probably not.  Especially when I felt torn in 20 different directions.  So much to catch up on that I was regretting my vacation. As I worked through any breaks that might have made me more productive I felt more and more like I was spiraling out of control.

I am working on prioritization. I have a great team and I am able to delegate more.  I simply have a fear of overwhelming them too soon. I am working on that.

After all of that I barely had the energy to cook dinner and I didn't even bother to do any of the other things on my list.  My fibro is threatening to flare, so I simply went to bed.  Too tired to even consider all the items that my personal self wanted to accomplish.

I'm still processing where I am with continuing my blog.  I'm still sorting out where I need to be and the journey that I need to take.  So for the first time in a very long time... I'm going day by day.

next steps?

The delicate flowers that are coming back belie the truth of the biting cold that just won't give up this year.

I'm a cold weather lover, I cherish it.  Or I used to. This year is wearing me out! My boys too!  We are rapidly pushing the end of April and it's still hovering down in the 30's at night and bitter cold wind all day.  It's hobbling our Neeko, his poor busted up foot is giving him grief from the cold making it hurt.

I am fairly certain this is the first time in my life that I've agreed with the statement - let's retire to the south.  Forever and a day I have fought that mentality, wishing for a home further north, with deep snow and four very distinct seasons.  After this year.  With minimal snow and days on end of just bone deep cold... hmmm... south is looking pretty darn good.

A lot of things are looking pretty darn good, and I know that it's simply where I am right now in my life.

I know that I am still working through the shock of losing my father.  I know that I am dealing with a dire need to get away.  And each time I think I've found the perfect week for Hubs and I to check out and work on getting our legs under us again something comes along and destroys it.  I really need that time.  I could take it on my own, but that is not what I need.  I need time for the two of us.  I need for us to be able to reconnect and gain our balance. 

It's been a rough year. 

I'm fairly certain that is the reason that I am struggling.  My focus is off.  It's like trying to look through glasses that are smeared with grease while walking on legos in stocking feet.

Maybe it's astrological, I've heard that Mercury has finally left retrograde, and it seems that puts some seriously negative energy out there.

I don't know. 

What I do  know is that I am longing for the days when we had our place in Sullivan.  Where the phones didn't work and we could disappear for days on end.  Where the most critical decisions that we had to make involved fishing before showering or showering first. A time when we could curl up and nap when we got tired and stay up all night playing cards if that is what we felt like doing.  No interruption from the outside world.  We'd always leave those weeks or weekends feeling refreshed, energized and bit out of touch.  It was heavenly.

It's been a really long time since we did that.  And it seems like the world is just getting crazier, more off balance, and far creepier than ever. The more "in-touch" and instant we have gotten the worse things are.

I'm watching far too many people forget to laugh, go out for a nice meal and watch families sit and stare at their phones (we are guilty too).  Conversations are no longer about good, positive, upbeat things.  Almost everywhere you turn there are televisions - mostly set to the news - and people absorbed in the brainwashing. 

Each time I blink I am seeing someone else I know suddenly become unemployed.  I feel like the world is becoming increasingly a place that you cannot put your trust or faith in.  I worry.  Are they prepared for that?  Have they been saving?  Do any of us do a great job at preparing for the unexpected anymore?  I don't think Hubs and I do, in fact, that is something we are working on changing.  We are working on becoming prepared for whatever life throws at you.  I can assure you, this year makes me realize that changes happen suddenly and harshly.

This journey that I am currently on is rocky and unstable.  I like smooth waters, maybe that is why I have't gone on a white water rafting trip.  I keep expecting another set of rapids that I am not prepared for.  I had to do a "test" for work, and I got the results not too long ago.  It was pretty darn spot on.

It's also been a bit unsettling, because I am not a risk taker, I hate risks.  And that is the only part that keeps playing in my mind.  That I need to take more risks and chances. Out of over 10 pages, that is what is resonating.

What is the universe trying to tell me? What am I missing... besides rest.

Well, it's time to bundle up and head out into this day.  Put a smile on my face and find the energy to be present.

succeeding at life...

Feeling accomplished and successful was definitely not what I anticipated when waking up this morning.

The last thing running through my head as I drifted to sleep was my sweet daughter's incredulous voice when I put my coat over my jammies and drove down to her house last night in response to her plea that she was failing at life.  She'd had a fuse blow and didn't know where it was or how to reset it. She'd semi suggested that bringing Hubs might be a good choice.  Being that I don't often feel that I am failing at life, nor do I often feel that I am incapable of most household repairs, I didn't bother to stir him from his toasty bed.

Her response to my solo arrival?  "You came ALONE?? Do you think you know what you are doing?"

WHAT??  I have been doing most of my own household repairs since my early 20's, being the more mechanically inclined in my previous marriage. And she doubts me?

My response, reset the outside outlet that she'd tripped, go to the basement reset the other tripped outlet, teach the brat how to do it, love on my grand babies and head home to lick my wounds.

I mean geez... how insulting.  I'm just playing.  Although truthfully, how many people feel they can't do something like that?

This morning MY dog decides to bark at 515 am, evidently it was time to wake up.  I mean why turn off the alarm? Hubs decides to be my hero and after taking them out carry's the stubborn little man all the way downstairs so he doesn't wake me again.

A full hour later, I am startled into action yet again, as I can hear Hubs yelling, cussing and raising a general ruckus downstairs.  I didn't expect that.

As I clear the dining room, I discovered the problem, sweet Hubs was fixing my coffee, or at least trying to.  The ice machine on the fridge has malfunctioned.  He's standing barefoot in the midst of ice, water and more ice pouring unstopped from the freezer door.

No glasses on and barely awake I truly couldn't be of much help at that moment.  Each time he moved his hand away from the paddle it started over. Without much thought my sleepy fingers wrapped around the closest item I could find, the cork from the bottle of wine I had shared with good friends Thursday night.

Hubs used that to hold the paddle in place, we cleaned up the river of ice and water that had flowed everywhere and as Hubs retired to the garage to smoke a cigar and regain a sense of calm, I started researching.

That is how I learn.  I refuse to believe that any of us are not capable of conquering the world.  At our retreat this week, I heard a few people utter the words that they felt they were being held back by the lack of a college degree.  That they could not get ahead due to the lack of a proper education.

I was stunned to hear those words.  Maybe I am naive.  I don't believe so.  I simply do not believe that any of us are trapped at any point in our lives by anything other than our own mental prisons.

This morning, armed with a hot cup of coffee and a willingness to learn and a few basic facts (like the model number of my fridge) I was able to track down the problem, source out the fastest and least expensive place to get the parts and by Tuesday night, I fully expect to have my ice maker working perfectly and not have spent an outrageous amount of money.

At no point does anything in my professional resume say that I am an appliance repair person.  In fact there are many things in my life that I have accomplished that didn't come with a piece of paper attached to it saying I successfully completed all the check boxes that someone else determined were pre-req's to being able to complete the task at hand.

I have had to conquer my own fears, had to be willing to open my mind, my heart and sometimes my fists to achieve those goals.  But I allow very few external things to defeat me.

Sitting in that room yesterday morning, hearing one of our team make that comment, I felt a sense of frustration that is hard to articulate.  I am not an eloquent speaker.  In fact, I struggle greatly with public speaking, I am always fearful that I will say something that will be criticized or belittled.

The response to that statement was that we should create tuition reimbursement.  That we are not clearing road blocks. We are not making the path an easy one for people to travel.

It made me so angry.  Not at the conversation, but with myself.  Sitting in that room as one of the leaders, I had the ability to help that person and many others.

Fear held me back.  Our society is so focused on that piece of paper and that is something I fail to understand clearly.

Sitting in that room as one of the leaders, I could have raised my voice and spoken up.  I could have assured them that they alone had the power to climb that ladder.

Yet, I sat silent.

Hearing repeated conversations that the housekeeping staff did not have the same opportunities as everyone else.  I sat there again frustrated.

My peers have degrees on top of degrees.  Most of their resumes are an impressive collection of who's who.

Me?  I started my professional Y career as a custodian in 2004.  I scrubbed toilets, pressure washed floors, washed towels, cleaned up any and all messes.  I was invisible.

I don't have a degree.  I worked on it off and on for years, moving from place to place, where ever the military felt they needed to send our family.  Repeating the same classes over and over until I got fed up.

I took advantage of every single opportunity I stumbled on.  I worked hard and diligently.  At each rung in the ladder I stayed awhile and worked until I mastered that spot.

Today, I have the honor to lead a group of individuals at our newest Y.  These individuals are where the strength and power of our Y comes from.  They live and feel our mission, they work together, they support each other and they face our goals head on.  It isn't because of my personal successes, it's because of all of us.

Do I always know exactly what I am doing? Nope, sure don't.  Do I feel a college degree would change that?  Nope. Sure don't.

Should I have been braver?  Yes.

I should have risked the shock looks.  I should have given hope.  I didn't.

Because inside me, just as in all of us, is that scared little girl that is still striving for approval.  All of us want to conform, to fit in a mold.

I hope at some point we will all realize that the degree does not define the person. We've been brainwashed. The willingness to continue being a lifelong learner is what defines you.

Now, please understand I am not at all saying that a degree is not necessary.  I assure you I want my doctors, nurses, engineers, etc to all have that higher education.  There is definitely a further education needed sometimes.  But there are many instances in this life where honestly it isn't needed. Hard work is. Might I have more tools in my tool box with that degree?  Maybe.  It might be easier to find the exact words and/or process that will move me ahead quicker, but truthfully it might also stop me from discovering a better way, because I have had to figure it out on my own, not using a set formula.

At some point in my lifetime, I hope that we stop with the nonsense that everyone needs a degree to be considered successful.  We have many people in our country that are working as servers, baristas, custodians, etc.  with at least a four year degree that they will be paying for for most of their adult lives. Some of them can't find jobs in the field they studied for, some of them were simply following that prescribed fact that you must have a degree. They aren't any happier.  They aren't any more successful.

Not everyone that is a custodian wants or needs more than that to feel successful, and not every custodian is "stuck". People truly need to stop projecting their own personal definition of success on others.  Each of us simply needs to strive for what makes us happy.  For our own personal definition of success.

This morning, my success was found in learning to repair my own refrigerator.   In that simple self sufficient act. Hubs was outside in the chilled morning air checking our cars to insure they are ready for winter.  Again major success.

I guess it is the joy of growing older.  There are still times that I hang my head in shame because someone else defined success for me.  Yet, there are more times, that I will celebrate your success at something that will signify a huge achievement for YOU, and realize that isn't what I need to be successful at life.

I know my girl was joking when she said she was failing at life... but how many people feel they truly are, because they are trying to conform instead of simply succeeding?

both sides...

My heart is hurting.  I'm tired.  I am worn.

I tried to write yesterday.  But I couldn't.  I was angry.  I was simply tired of snappy people.  Youngsters that presume they know everything and show no compassion for anyone that is not connected to their cause that the are fired up and passionate about.

I was FED UP!  All I could feel was that two wrongs do not make a right. When I read her snippy comment, all I could think was have you given any consideration to others?  The same that you are demanding for the people you are passionate about? The tunnel vision and lack of understanding for everyone.

I read "are you uncomfortable?  Good, it's about time"...  what?  How presumptuous.  That very thought process is what causes the hurt, pain and discomfort that many feel.  Guess what you don't know me, I don't know you.  I don't know what journey you have taken or explored to get where you are - but I am going to guess that as you've just graduated college you haven't had nearly as many life experiences as I have.  SO don't presume!

Because I know what feeling uncomfortable feels like.  I know what being a true outsider feels like.  I know how hard it is to make friends, to fit into new communities and groups.  To learn new languages, currencies and electric. Ever plugged in the hair dryer that you barely had enough money to buy and fry it because it's a 110v and that outlet that looked right was really a 220v?

I know all too well what it feels like to have no money and dig through my sofa, chairs, car cushions etc,  hoping that maybe I can afford a can of tuna to put in the generic macaroni and cheese (made with water and bargain margarine) that is going to be the dinner I serve my family that night.

I know what it feels like when you realize that the clothes that you are making your children so they can be "cool" and dressed nice, end up not being cool at all. All those hours spent only to see your baby look sad and disgusted, because you had tried your best without knowing better.

I know how uncomfortable it is to not understand the healthcare system and how terrifying it is to have a sick child and not know what to do.  Or now that I do, have such high co-pays that going to the doctor takes a lot of thought.

I know how uncomfortable it is to not feel welcome in a community, a store, a country, even at times my own home.  I know it is a gross, horrible, unsettled feeling.  Even in my own community now, as different cultures are trying to learn to live together, I try to be sensitive.  I know that due to different religious views I need to be aware of who I'm talking to and when.  I also know that some of my clothing choices are enough to completely stress out a few of my neighbors and I am sure a few are convinced I am going to hell.   I am aware also that some of the people that live near me are terrified of dogs - based again on religious and sometimes life experiences.  I try to be very respectful of that.  I will cross the street to protect their sensitivities.

I try to understand.

Just as I do not know what it feels like to have brown or black skin, people that are not white (by the way I have never met a truly white person) do not know what it is like to have white skin.  I also don't know what it is like to be a red head or have blue eyes. I don't know the challenges of being tall, or having very curly or very straight hair.

At this point in my life, I can fairly reasonably state how "I" have felt being blonde, brunette, graying, short, thin, chubby, fat, with a speech problem, without a speech problem, with a chronic illness and without, definitely uncool, and probably a bit sassy.  I know what it feels like to be an introvert and forced to live in an extroverted world. I know what it is like to not speak the language of the people I am around nor understand their culture.

I know what it feels like to be bullied and lied to.  I know what it feels like to be hurt and damaged. I know what it feels like to have my trust destroyed, to feel lost and to feel uncertain about the future and traumatized by the past.

I know what it's like to have crazy skills in some areas and be lacking woefully in others.  I know the desire to have things that I missed out on and to regret things I wasn't able to have. I know what it feels like to be poor.  I know what it feels like to be comfortable. I know what it feels like to be blessed with experiences others can only dream of and I also know what it feels like to miss out on things that others take for granted.

There are many things that I have never experienced.  There are many things I pray I never do.  And while I cannot first hand understand any of those things, I can show empathy, compassion and love to those that are facing those things first hand.

None of us are trees, we are not planted in one spot forced to endure things that are not right.  Each of us as a human being has the ability to pursue things that are greater than where we are now.  Nothing stops us from doing that, except ourselves.  Too many times it seems that we allow others to define our journey.

I will not take responsibility for anyone's journey through life but my own.  My pride has forced me to do without things that could have made my journey easier - I own that. My work ethic is what has gotten me this far.  If I am not happy with my situation, I have worked to change it.  Sometimes I have worked multiple jobs, learned skills I needed to accomplish something, planted gardens to supplement a lack of grocery money, and taken "lowly" jobs, whatever was needed to not stay in a place that was making me unhappy.  I have fed cows and taken care of nasty houses to make my rent in a beautiful home less.  

I will lend you a hand, I will lift you up, I will encourage and cheer you on.  I will do any and everything I can for anyone, except carry them through their journey.

So yesterday I was angry.  Those words really ticked me off.  I am tired of hearing how I have white privilege. I don't.  I grew up unable to get jobs because I wasn't a minority and it would have put them out of "quota".  I was told by a counselor that it was a shame my child wasn't a minority or even a member of the LGBT community, because I could have gotten scholarships for them.  As it was borderline genius or not, we paid full cost.  We aren't rich, it wasn't/isn't easy. So please stop with that narrative.

Everything I have in life, I have worked my butt off to earn.  I work in excess of a sixty hour week, every week.  I struggle to keep it all together.  And no one is giving me a darn thing.

I have lived in not so nice neighborhoods and worried about what was happening.  I moved.

Just yesterday I had a staff person walk off their shift, uttering profanities and being a total jerk.  Why? I had asked them to do the job I was paying them to do, nothing over the top, simply cleaning a floor.  I knew they hadn't done a darn thing.  Their anger laced tirade about not getting ahead because I wouldn't help them, literally went in one ear and out the other.  Over the course of the past 3 months I had worked to get that person considered for 2 full time positions with benefits. An opportunity and a chance.  Both positions would have been something they could walk into, no questions asked. Instead they turned their nose up at both. Wasn't what they wanted. It was easier to complain, than try to do better.

Today I wake up to the news that a jerk in Las Vegas killed at least 50 people who were simply enjoying their lives.  I'm sure before long it will become a gun control issue.  My guess is that it needs to be a mental health issue.  But what do I know. I have my father-in-law's gun hanging on the wall in my home.  Darnedest thing, I have never once seen it shoot anyone. Just hangs there quietly like a piece of art.

One of my sisters shared that a friends child committed suicide. Why?

My heart is hurting.  We as humans need to learn a lot of things.  But all of it has to start at home, with our own hearts.  Less judgement - from every direction.  More love and compassion.  More willingness to be the change we want to see in the world and less willingness to demand it be given to us.

I have worked hard throughout my life.  I intend to continue doing that.  Because the sense or pure joy and accomplishment is something I could not dream of giving up.

Today as my heart feels battered and bruised for so many that are hurting in this world.  I'd like to take a moment to pray for a little less.  A little less thoughtlessness, selfishness, hatred, bitterness, jealousy, judgmental attitudes and all of those demeaning and hurtful things.  And a little more... a little more compassion, willingness to see all sides, helpfulness, care, love, support, dreams and humanity.

And can we please stop with the labels? Can we simply be friends? Fellow travelers on this crazy road we call life?  People that at some point will need our help and at others will offer their help to us?  It's not a race.  There is no grand prize and plain and simply none of us are getting out alive.  So why not slow down, take a step back.  Fix what is wrong, treat each other with love and kindness and stop trying to be right?

There is no right and there is no wrong.  It's really all somewhere in the middle...

When will it stop?

surviving regardless...

Almost eight hours of riding. Already 173 miles under our bums. Even though I worked this morning for a few hours, we still managed to find time to run off and leave the circus behind.  It's been a trying time this week.  Horrible actually.

My dear friends have had so much taken from them. Not only was Independence Day a day of trauma and madness, two men murdered, one staggering in pleading with anyone to not let him die.  Armed men deliberately targeting those people in the cars.  Using guns designed for complete destruction, not protection or hunting.

That wasn't enough though.

I had fallen asleep before the Dallas shootings, I was worn out, tired.  I simply needed rest.

It hardly seems like it was only yesterday morning that I was jarred awake by my phone.  Bolting to wide awake as I recognized my dear "b's" face on the screen.  She never calls me too late or too early - ever. Unless it's important.  Life or Death important.

It was.

Before I'd even heard the news from Dallas, the news that was captivated so much of this country, I heard her voice.  Sad, scared and defeated.  She never sounds that way.  Even Monday, when it appeared as bad as it could get, she was looking for a bright side.  Thankful that none of her friends and family had been in the way of those 60 + bullets.

But at 4 am, as she softly told me the store was gone, I could hear something new in her voice.

Yep, the store is gone.  Something that community needed.  A gathering place, a place where the family took turns working to insure the community could have the items they needed.  A place where kids brought their good report cards for a treat and where the owners might have been known to help out someone in need.  A place to buy their lottery tickets or a coffee.  To talk and gather.  It was a start.

And in the wee hours of the morning, someone blew it up.  It's gone.  The people that lived upstairs got out okay.  Why?  What was the freaking point?  I sat there on the side of my bed with tears in my eyes.

Helpless.  Some of the best people I have ever known had been targeted by a couple of thugs.

I couldn't go to her.  I desperately wanted to.  But a white girl shows up there in the middle of the night, well, probably not a good choice.  This city has a history that it cannot seem to let go of.

So instead, I sat there. I bowed my head and thanked God that no one was hurt.  And I prayed for protection, for safety and for peace.

I am still angry about it.  I am worried for people I love, I am worried for that community.  I am worried for my country.

As I was sitting there stunned, trying to make sense of something that one cannot wrap their mind around, my radio started to play.  My alarm set to NPR- only because they don't have tons of loud noises in the morning, rapidly made my stress level higher.

Brushing my teeth I hear the news of the massacre in Dallas. What in the world?  Has everyone gone crazy.

Struggling to deal with too much already, I get a news alert from basically my back yard.  Less than a ten minute drive from my house, on a road I travel multiple times a week.  An officer had been shot.  He's fighting for his life.

He didn't do anything.

He pulled a young black man over for speeding.  As he walked back to his car the 31 year old creep (sorry can't call him a man) got out of his car and rapidly walked up on him shooting him three times.  Once after he was already on the ground.  As the coward takes off running, the neighbors rush to the officer's aid. They believe he was ambushed.

For crying out loud!  What is happening?  I treat my dogs with greater love and compassion than people are treating each other these days.

As Hubs and I took off on our ride we rode up New Ballwin Road, past that very spot.  You could not tell that anything had happened, just an ordinary day.  No one was protesting, nothing was burning, there were no hate filled signs marking the streets.   There was nothing.

It feel odd.

Hubs and I danced in and out of space and time today.  At one point we were following the path of the James Brothers.  Wandering through their hideout in Stanton, Missouri.  We were going to do the tour, but time was too short today, we hadn't realized it would be reopened.  Corporate greed having poisoned it earlier this year.

A bit later we were riding blissfully along the old Hwy 66.  Further from the city you pass so many old diners and motels that have long since seen their heyday.  Time and nature are slowly reclaiming them. Hwy 44 stole their life blood.

Almost as suddenly we make a sharp left and are following the trail of Lewis and Clark.  The path to Labadie is winding, cool and refreshing.  It is breathtakingly beautiful.  It will need more exploring.  Maybe tomorrow??

After an hour wandering a very tiny town.  We headed home.  To avoid the traffic, we once again find us on New Ballwin Road. Only this time... it's different.

I almost missed the first one, I guess I was a bit distracted.  Every tree now has a blue ribbon tied around it, some street signs too.  Some houses have BIG blue ribbons and American flags.  Most fences have signs stating proudly that "we love our police".  My eyes welled up with tears.  I was so proud of the good kind people in that neighborhood.  As we neared the turn that would merge New Ballwin into Big Bend (the street we live off of) we finally spot the decorators.  A young mother and her little girl are carefully adorning the entire street with blue ribbons.

There is goodness left.  Maybe we need to stop rewarding the bad, start making people be responsible for their actions, no matter their color, gender, nationality... any of it.  Maybe instead of protesting we start looking for good, for positive, for the blessings.

We are a strong people.  We are a good, kind and loving people.

We are American's... maybe we could start acting like it....

metamorphosis...

A tiny little inch worm starts spinning it's cocoon, it will go through a season of change, wrapped tightly in that pristine shell. When it emerges, after what undoubtedly feels like an eternity, the difference defies thought.  Not only is it beautiful and graceful, it bears no resemblance to it's former simple self.

Those changes occur even when the little inch worm is unaware that is his destiny.  He is just moving along, happily munching his life away basking in the sun.  I doubt it ever occurs to him in the forward motion of his life, that there are huge changes coming.

There will be isolation, loneliness, pain, struggles and finally freedom.

I feel like that happens to people too, too many times. I wonder if we are ready or if we are caught off guard.  In flux.  Frozen in time.  Are we aware of the many dangers that approach us as we are in that state? Are we aware of the flying sticks, inquisitive young and old or other animals that could easily end everything while we are in that fragile, exposed, metamorphic state?

Do we comprehend the pressures that are causing us to grow and change?  And when we finally realize what is occurring... do we fight it? Try to run and hide?  Or do we allow ourselves to transform?

These thoughts are occurring to me a lot lately.  I've come to realize that Hubs and I might be facing one of those metamorphic moments in our lives lately.  How do we face it? Have we allowed ourselves to go down a rabbit hole?  How do we plan to move forward?

I know I haven't been writing much lately.  Honestly, I've been spending a lot of time wrapped in my head and avoiding a lot of forms of communication. Thinking, pondering, planning, discovering things about myself. Remembering paths that maybe I have avoided.  I've spent quite a bit of time being forced by events to examine the past.  To look at those hidden memories, to look at bits and pieces of memories and events and trying to decide if the lessons learned in them provide a path forward through the future.

I am spending time examining a life lived thus far.

On this deary wet long weekend, I am examining, planning, thinking and reviewing the outcome of all of it.

June wasn't a great month.  It was brutally hard. Mentally and physically.  Stress and heat are my enemies.  I had more than enough of both to beat me up a bit.  Luckily, I've had hubs in my corner.  To whisk me away on the back of the Harley.  To make me forget and relax in the warm breezes.  To make me baths and bloody mary's.

I've cried enough in the past month to last a lifetime.  I try really hard to always be supportive, kind, and caring.  I will sacrifice my own sanity and happiness for anyone else. I will give up sleep, I will spend hours engulfed in tasks that do nothing at all for my health, wealth or sanity, if it will help another.

I'm sitting here in my favorite chair listening to a storm rolling in.  Feeling it's freshness and power gently washing my spirit clean. I have choices to make.  I hate making choices.  I feel like I forever lead with my heart and then when my head catches up... it sits there and just looks at me like... you are a special kind of stupid aren't you?

I am only now realizing how dangerous some of the choices I have let my heart lead me into truly are.

I guess I am still safely locked in my cocoon.  Fairly positive that I am starting to form big beautiful wings that won't fit in here for long.  Knowing that before long I will be presented with wings far to large to be contained.

Wondering if I will be wise enough to understand and know how to fly when that times comes...

searching for balance...

I haven't had time to write... my need to list is crazy long and it is running smack dab into my want to list.  I got up super early this morning.  The sauce for the lasagna is made and so is the beef for today's burrito's at lunch.  I will assemble the lasagna tonight whenever we get home.  I am trying to get some dinners made for the Hubs.  I am going to be gone for almost a week with my boy!  My mom gene's are needing some time with my youngest child.

I feel like I have been running as fast as I can straight into a brick wall.  And honestly, I'm feeling like the fight is leaving me worn, weary and frustrated.

I'm torn about so many things right now, ambivalence factor about 99%.  I keep hearing a song playing over and over in my head... well maybe not a full song, but the refrain.  Should I stay or should I go... I am pretty sure it is simply the need to take a step back, to have some down time and as it is now almost June to actually take a true vacation. Not just a stolen day here or there.

Of course the wife side of me is frantically trying to make sure the Hubs doesn't suffer for my short visit west. Big pan of enchiladas are already in the freezer, lasagna will join it tonight.  The only thing left to make will be chili.  That should hold him on the home cooked meal front. Laundry is all done, although ironing is not.  I am fairly sure that I will do one more load tomorrow morning before work.  I leave straight from work on Thursday.

Yes. I spoil him.  Stop thinking it!  I will say it for you.

But he spoils me too, and personally I think that is one of the key pieces in a strong happy marriage.  He sure didn't have to stay behind to take care of the boys.  He is doing it out of love.  So that I can enjoy the few days with my boy without worry or stress.  So if I can make it easier for him while I am away over a holiday that we could have spent together, you'd better believe I am going to do it.

Anyone that is blessed enough to find their other half... and for both of them to recognize it, truly should celebrate that fact!  Just like I do not believe you can spoil a child by loving them, I do not believe you can spoil an adult.

Frankly, I think that is a source of a lot of my ambivalence lately.  Too many things that originate in the very depths of my heart get shuffled away, they take a back seat to what is probably my own stupidity.  Not fighting for what is truly important and shuffling through trying to "do it all"... evidently, I might have a challenge with prioritizing.  Or maybe I need to take off the silly "have to glasses" and re-evaluate... no re-elevate what is truly important to me.

Last night, I was sitting in my sewing room working on a small repair for a dear friend.  It wasn't that I didn't want to do it, I truly did.  It was that I seem to live by non-stop deadlines anymore.  I have baby quilts unfinished for children that are now growing up, my spinning wheel holds the remnants of my last spin.  A beautiful yarn that I hope to make into a pair of socks or a hat some day.  I have memory quilts stacking up, longing to be completed, no where close to done.

Hubs and I find scattered moments to do things that matter, while looking at an endless list of chores that I can't find minutes to complete.

A trip to see my parents was 12 long hours of driving for less than 6 hours or quality time.  I will do it again. Sometimes you simply have to.  Too many people that are dear to me are suffering horrible, permanent loses. Just yesterday, Hubs almost added my sweet Hubs to that list.  Almost falling off a roof at work.  I am glad I wasn't there.  I am even more glad it was an almost and nothing more. I was sick when he told me. Terrified.

I stole an hour yesterday, it was mine, it was a time to reconnect with a dear friend.  To laugh, to celebrate and to feel a deep gratitude for the blessings that each of us have been given.  To hear that prayers I had been praying for her were being answered almost daily.  I needed that.  It was like cool, clear water on my heart and my soul.  I didn't realize how parched and shallow my being had become.

Tonight after work, I am skipping a "work function" which is how I am feeling about the event.  There will be others.  Tonight I am celebrating my sweet grand daughter.  She is going to be singing the National Anthem with her choir at the Cardinals game! Those are the moments that make a life.  Not a fancy dinner for a promise after I am dead.

Time for some soul searching... time to unwind this incredibly tightly wound life that I am currently living... oops... time to get ready for work...

thinking through the ashes...

If I thought the moon rise was spectacular, it had nothing on the moon set this morning!  I need to download the camera, I am hoping to have caught at least one shot of that breathtaking view!  Hubs and I walked all over the neighborhood with the boys looking for the best angle.  To the point that I was standing in the turn lane of Big Bend praying that my clothing choice (all black) didn't lead to me being road kill at 5 am.

Circled by high clouds, it radiated and glowed! It was so inspiring.

And as I sit here sipping on my morning smoothie, I am watching a sunrise that fills me with hope and joy.  I need it.

I woke up this morning to the sad news out of Brussels.  My heart is breaking for the people there.  It is one of my favorite cities!  I have spent many hours and days roaming the streets and exploring this exceptional city.  The old and new combine in a such a way that both feel as though they belong.  The people are kind, warm, loving, welcoming (unless you are driving - then it's hands down a bumper car derby)... in fact, it's probably those very traits that are hurting them so badly now. Their kindness, generosity, accepting and welcoming nature have led them to a place where now people with none of those traits are doing heinous acts just for attention and destruction.

I am struggling with so much that is going on in our world today.  I wonder what lessons the universe is trying to teach us that we are stubbornly not trying to learn.

Each day I see so many homeless people, lying in parks, doorways, streets, leaning on fences or huddled inside playground structures.  Some of them are in dire straights because they are unable to reason or understand what is going on.  Those rip at my heart. Family either doesn't know or doesn't care.  They are the lost ones.

Then there are the ones that are battling chemical demons. So much of it is killing them - not their bodies, but them.  Several that I know are such wonderful, vibrant people, and then they use.  And you see the blank stares, the swaying bodies you are worried for them.  Wondering if it is the heroin or the K2, praying it isn't a combination of both.  Paramedic's and police won't touch them if it is K2 - that crap isn't illegal.  Just deadly.

And I watch the city treat them with disdain.  The part that breaks my heart, so many of these men and women are our veterans. People that have put their lives on the line for us, people that we are treating like yesterday's garbage.  Stripped of their dignity and grace by life events.

We have people that are being taught to accept poverty and demand more be given to them, taking away self respect.

There is an increase in murder, theft, abuse and so much more.

What are we missing?  When did we stop fighting the good fight.

A hug costs nothing.  Well okay occasionally it is an assault on the senses. The lack of bathing is sometimes hard.  But hugs save lives.  They build hearts, they heal wounds that you cannot see.

A conversation.  A smile.  Common human kindness.

We are losing a battle... and it's one that we might never get the chance to fight for again.

Brussels feels so far away when you live in the US, it feels like another planet, when it's really only 8 hours or so from most locations by plane.  Less than some people spend at work each day.

Is our lack of human kindness, love, empathy, respect, caring, kindness and compassion as a whole going to cause people to follow the same insanity that is raging over across the ocean?  When people feel lost, desperate, and a deep need to belong and feel valued does it cause them to lash out?  Are we as a country allowing grown adults to act as children demanding and expecting everything?  Will this lead to them as a whole lashing out when those needs and wants aren't met, not owning their own responsibility in any failures or disappointments?

It's hard to be surrounded by the beauty that is all around us while knowing there is so much falling apart, so much pain and anger ready to swipe it all away.

Today... I need a moment in prayer.

living a life...

Ugghhhh...

I have had it all visualized for the longest time.  I knew exactly how I wanted it to look, the layout was going to be perfect, I was so excited.  Then this happened...

I know, it looks awesome, right!  And it is not at all what I had planned.  Now I am struggling, because what I had planned looks crowded and just wrong. I know I am replacing the sofa this winter, maybe... hubs wants me to, but it also looks so "right".  It's just not very comfortable anymore.

I spent all day yesterday working on painting furniture.  I have two more pieces to start, I just don't know what I am going to do with the one that was supposed to go where the chair is.

In my haste this morning, I managed to mess up one of the drawers for the dresser, so I am waiting on it to finish curing yet again.

Feeling a bit frustrated.

There is so much that keeps getting pushed back, with Hubs being sick, moving, and simply holding our own, I feel like I am light years behind where I want to be.

I am thankful for my home!  I love it!

I am blessed for my career!  Being able to be such a strong part of so many lives and all the blessings I get to be part of daily - totally fills my "bucket".

There simply aren't words for how thankful and blessed I am to finally have the Hubs healing and healthy again.

Maybe that is some of the anxiety.  Some of the push to get so much accomplished.

I haven't quite accepted that he is doing great!  I started to say fine, but when you add up the days and realize it hasn't even been four months, he is doing phenomenal!  Doc said it will be a year or so before he is back to perfect, it's still scary.  They still haven't said the staph won't come back, we won't know that for several years.  Maybe that is why I am so desperate to have everything... I don't know, normal?

For over a year we have lived in our beautiful home, it's been full of half finished tasks and projects needing tackled.

For over a year, it feels that I have forgotten how to cook, how to do anything but rush from one challenge to the next.

I have been in a constant state of "rush".

I am finding that even my knitting projects are part of rushing, I only tackle things I can complete while on the go.  I haven't quilted, used my spinning wheel, or anything in so very long.  My blog has been neglected and I gave up on my garden.  My soap supplies sit gathering dust and so many projects are neglected.

This weekend I feel like I hit a reset button.  I've not gotten dressed to go anywhere, other than the short trip to the store for items we couldn't do without.  I haven't talked to anyone but family.  And I have focused on stuff that is important to me.

I have blogged twice - I know you are probably as shocked as I am.  I have finished two pieces of furniture and even cooked.  It's frightening.  As I am working on laundry I am doubtful that the soap will get made this weekend, I want to, but... the carpets need cleaned and they are a higher priority.

Even Hubs is moving into a routine.  He worked on the Divine Ms. Em (although I sure was the one wrapped around the steering column threading that manual choke cable through) and got even more stuff clean out in the garage.

It feels good.

Slowing down.  We need to do this. As I was out on the deck enjoying the last few stubborn flowers, hanging in the midst of all the falling leaves and dying greenery, I realized that life is far to short to keep rushing.  A year ago we were heading into a terrifying stint of time, I think it's finally time to put it behind us... a full year later, it's like a bad nightmare.

Hubs and I need to get back to us.  We need to remember to live. We are great at earning a living, maybe not so great at living a life.

Now if I could just decide what to do with those pieces of furniture....

Yesterday...

It's quiet this morning.  There are very few sounds outside, which is remarkable considering the sounds of sirens that filled the air last night.  Inside there is the sound of the boys toenails on the wooden floor, the purr of the kitty and soft sound of the heater warming the house.

Yesterday is a day that will always be remembered in this country.  We are now right up there with Watts, Detroit, New York City and Miami.  There are businesses that a community needed to survive that are gone, forever no doubt, because who wants to rebuild something when idiots will burn it to the ground just because they didn't get their way?

Yesterday...

It was surely a high stress day.  It started out with a very stressed out hubby going in for a major surgery.  It sounds so common place and benign.  Oh... he's going in for a hip replacement, sounds almost like you are going to get a new pair of pants.  They are that common nowadays.

It wasn't.

before it all begins...

Apprehension just grew as the day went on.  His veins did not want to cooperate and kept rolling out of the way, they could not even get an IV started.  Maybe his fears of the day were not so far fetched after all. One ultrasound later they were finally able to locate a vein start an IV and do the spinal block.  While I was waiting out in the waiting room the television announce the Grand Jury had made a decision... One wait was ending, another was starting...

I was able to keep reassuring my drugged, sleepy hubby that he going to be just fine and that even though he was scared it was going to be just fine.  Luckily he doesn't remember any of that, poor guy.  Listening to him made me sad, he knows how to scare me sometimes, evidently even when he is out of it.

As they took him to surgery the doctor smiled that reassuring smile, said he'd see me in an hour and off they went.  Confidence evident in the doctors smile and walk.  I felt strong and positive.  I knew he was in good hands and I didn't need to worry.

I chose the seat in front of the aquarium, watching the gentle motion of the fish always calms me.  I was armed with snacks for lunch since I knew I did not want to leave the waiting room. My yarn and needles to work on a pair of socks, my nook in case I got tired of knitting, and my cell phone with back up batteries.  I was ready to take on that measly little hour surgery. Fully expecting to see him in a couple of hours.  Believing the confident statement.

The news tickers at the bottom of the television screen started talking about the upcoming announcement. The Governor was flying in, they had activated troops from great distances away.  Both the police and national guard. There was fear it would not be received well, wrapped in a cloak of prayers that St. Louis would show the world that we are better than that.

That first hour flew by.  Several inches of sock emerged from my needles.  Causal conversation about knitting with a couple of the folks in the waiting room.  News getting bleaker and more ominous on the television.  Watching the board with numbers... 385331... still the light green of being in surgery...

I should have spoken with the doctor by 1:30 pm, according to him. Taking into consideration that sometimes things take a bit longer I was patient... 2:00 pm, no worries. Around 2:30 pm without any warning the most terrifying feeling overcame me.  I don't know why, I am sort of sensitive to things and it was hard to breathe.  I am far from an irrational person, so a few deep breaths and a more concentrated approach to knitting - although my needles were moving slower at this point.

By 3:00 pm, I was seriously regretting my decision to not make everyone sit around a boring hospital.  The news on the television was bleak and foreboding and it radiated around the waiting room as everyone was fixated on the outcome.  That surgery should have been over by 1:30/2:00 pm at worst case according to the surgeon.  And the only answer available to me was that silly sign that still showed 385331 was still in surgery. I was texting my daughter, trying to stay rational.  In my brain I could hear hubby telling me in his very drugged state that he was not going to make it and that he was sorry.  I was struggling to stay calm and not automatically fear the worst.  Everyone was wanting updates and I had nothing to give. The panic was starting to set in.

I don't like hospitals and have very little trust in doctors of any kind.  Too many bad things have occurred when they shouldn't have... The twins are wanting to come see Dad before the verdict is read, afraid to be on the roads after it has been read... too many promises of violence had the communities that make up St. Louis terrified.  Our own home grown terrorists.

Just as I was sure I was going to lose my mind, just when I couldn't take another moment of waiting at 3:45 pm a very exhausted surgeon, minus the confident air and swagger came out to meet with me.  Hubby was fine. The surgery had ended up being more involved than they expected and his muscular thighs from years of horseback riding and motorcycle's had presented them a few more challenges than expected.  But he was just fine.

As I was soaking up the joy of the moment, the air around me was starting to get that oppressive fear laden atmosphere. The media was building up the moment to the announcement. A community was waiting poised with literal matches, ready to strike the first one.

Night before surgery ice cream treat

Our beautiful grand baby, and her wonderful momma stopped by yesterday morning.  GB wanted to bring her Grandpa some flowers and Snickers before he went to the hospital.  She's lost a lot this year, it's only made her love and compassion deeper.  Those roses and the chocolate bar sure made us both a bit teary eyed.  But nothing was as powerful as the smile that came flying through the door at the hospital.  Eyes bright and expectant at seeing her Grandpa on the road to recovery.  My girl stopped and brought us some dinner, although Hubs was having a pretty amazing one courtesy of the hospital.

They didn't stay long, the impending news from the Grand Jury and the worry about the response was enough to make it not safe.

I was watching the news with hubby and a nurse when the "no bill" was announced.  Driving home a bit later, the sound of sirens echoing in the air... Wondering how much worse tomorrow would be... it's not over.  Far from it.  The family attorney is promising a civil suit, the outside forces are throwing more powder on an already explosive situation.  And an area that for whatever reason has been a racial powder keg appears to have gone up in flames.

In a week that should be filled with family, love and blessings.  A chance to be thankful for all we have, we are left wondering what a new day will bring.  Praying for less violence and more peace.  Praying for rational to overcome irrational.  And wondering how it got this far down the road.

I am heading back to the hospital.  I want to be there with hubby as he starts the therapy that will get him back on that blue Harley with a devil may care look in his eyes.  And I want to beat the folks that shut down the highways last night.  

Overloading... downloading...

Interesting sounds are bouncing around outside.  I am trying so hard to get motivated to do something, anything really!

Flower's from Hubby...

I am sitting here listening to the birds compete with the cars racing past.  Looking around my house, making a list in my head of all the things I need to do. I am afraid to commit that list to paper, because sadly, I am afraid it will scare me to death.  Heck, lately just the list of things I would like to do scares me to death.

I am fairly positive I am not planting a garden this year.  Too tired.  My fibro is conspiring with life to make energy not something I have in abundance.  I seem to use all my energy in the simple act of working and getting through each day.

There has been a lot of negative thoughts in my head lately, and I am really struggling to push them out, to focus on the good and the positive.  But sometimes when feelings get hurt and hearts get involved it isn't so easy.  I am fairly certain that is the cause of the flares.  Stress is my mortal enemy.

And sadly there has been a lot of stress and ugly lately.  And I am not really sure how to process it.  The past week was tough. One day even found me close to tears all day.  It was frustrating.  I am a happy person.  I love life, and I usually do not want to run from it all.

I am slowly coming around this time.  I can feel it.  I don't feel as angry, as hopeless and helpless.  I still feel hurt and disappointed though. I am also sure some of it has to do with this "cold" (yeah lets call it that) that I have been struggling with for over 3 weeks now.  Sooner or later I will break down and head to a doctors office (can you tell I deem that an acceptable solution?  NOT).  But mostly, it is things that I cannot control or impact and it is wearing me down.

Losing myself in things I love helps.  Yesterday, I was not thrilled about being at work all day.  Seriously, who is thrilled by working 6 days in one week.  I have long ago accepted it, but it wasn't making me smile to be inside when the sun was shining (too cold to be out though) and I could have been home with my hubby and boys.  And then it happened... it was time for the quilting class that I was teaching.

Initially I was concerned over having three young girls in the class, as well as three adults.  I was worried, that the project was going to be too hard, that they would not understand the basics well enough to be successful.  I was worried that my current mental state was not going to allow me to be successful as their teacher.

I shouldn't have worried.  It was hectic and a bit frazzled around the edges at first.  The first hour was brutal!  The excitement and the energy was palpable.  Suddenly like a switch had been turned it all stopped and started to flow.  I could feel the energy level shift, the excitement started to be contained.  And as 5 potholders came to be, you could feel the pride and success!  I felt sorry for mama, she helped me with those three young girls and wasn't able to make one herself.

I need that flow a little more consistently. 

When friends, family and even strangers let me down and hurt me, I need to look past it.  I know we are all human and that we do things occasionally that cause hurt and distrust.  Sometime it might not be an accident, but an unwillingness to treat people as we ourselves want to be treated.  I am sure I do that to others from time to time without realizing it.  None of us are perfect.

I am still feeling a little conflicted and stressed.  I am still feeling a need for a shift inside.  I still want to run and hide.  But slowly the lens is clearing.  It feels like I am standing on the precipice, waiting for the sun to whisk away the fog.  So that I can see my way to safer grounds.  I am still being cautious and watchful.  These are not normal actions for me.

As I stand frozen in time, watching, waiting and trying to find my way forward.  I am also reevaluating, and measuring value of people and things in my life.  It's a turning point.  I know there are many things that will change as we move forward with life.  I know that I have several rocks to cling to the Hubby and the B's... my eldest and my youngest, and a few unnamed. And as for the rest... well God knows best.

Peony from my sweet neighbor... who never lets me miss the beauty as it arrives!

I should clean my house, I should iron clothes, I should sweep and mop and mow the grass.  I think what I will do instead is see if Hubby wants to head to a Renaissance Fair.  Lose myself in the past to find my path forward into the future...