Sunday, July 3, 2016

metamorphosis...

A tiny little inch worm starts spinning it's cocoon, it will go through a season of change, wrapped tightly in that pristine shell. When it emerges, after what undoubtedly feels like an eternity, the difference defies thought.  Not only is it beautiful and graceful, it bears no resemblance to it's former simple self.

Those changes occur even when the little inch worm is unaware that is his destiny.  He is just moving along, happily munching his life away basking in the sun.  I doubt it ever occurs to him in the forward motion of his life, that there are huge changes coming.

There will be isolation, loneliness, pain, struggles and finally freedom.

I feel like that happens to people too, too many times. I wonder if we are ready or if we are caught off guard.  In flux.  Frozen in time.  Are we aware of the many dangers that approach us as we are in that state? Are we aware of the flying sticks, inquisitive young and old or other animals that could easily end everything while we are in that fragile, exposed, metamorphic state?

Do we comprehend the pressures that are causing us to grow and change?  And when we finally realize what is occurring... do we fight it? Try to run and hide?  Or do we allow ourselves to transform?

These thoughts are occurring to me a lot lately.  I've come to realize that Hubs and I might be facing one of those metamorphic moments in our lives lately.  How do we face it? Have we allowed ourselves to go down a rabbit hole?  How do we plan to move forward?

I know I haven't been writing much lately.  Honestly, I've been spending a lot of time wrapped in my head and avoiding a lot of forms of communication. Thinking, pondering, planning, discovering things about myself. Remembering paths that maybe I have avoided.  I've spent quite a bit of time being forced by events to examine the past.  To look at those hidden memories, to look at bits and pieces of memories and events and trying to decide if the lessons learned in them provide a path forward through the future.

I am spending time examining a life lived thus far.

On this deary wet long weekend, I am examining, planning, thinking and reviewing the outcome of all of it.

June wasn't a great month.  It was brutally hard. Mentally and physically.  Stress and heat are my enemies.  I had more than enough of both to beat me up a bit.  Luckily, I've had hubs in my corner.  To whisk me away on the back of the Harley.  To make me forget and relax in the warm breezes.  To make me baths and bloody mary's.

I've cried enough in the past month to last a lifetime.  I try really hard to always be supportive, kind, and caring.  I will sacrifice my own sanity and happiness for anyone else. I will give up sleep, I will spend hours engulfed in tasks that do nothing at all for my health, wealth or sanity, if it will help another.

I'm sitting here in my favorite chair listening to a storm rolling in.  Feeling it's freshness and power gently washing my spirit clean. I have choices to make.  I hate making choices.  I feel like I forever lead with my heart and then when my head catches up... it sits there and just looks at me like... you are a special kind of stupid aren't you?

I am only now realizing how dangerous some of the choices I have let my heart lead me into truly are.

I guess I am still safely locked in my cocoon.  Fairly positive that I am starting to form big beautiful wings that won't fit in here for long.  Knowing that before long I will be presented with wings far to large to be contained.

Wondering if I will be wise enough to understand and know how to fly when that times comes...