when thoughts wander...

Hubs is on vacation this week.  I took a few days earlier this summer and went to the coast to spend time with the boy and his girl.  Hubs is just hanging out... mourning that the weather is less than promising.  He'd planned to get some serious miles in on the Harley.

Me? I'm taking a few me minutes.  Ironically, it is rather peaceful at work right now and I am catching up on a few million things that I feel like I am behind on.  But for a few quiet, still moments this morning, I'm resting. This crazy weather is wrecking havoc on my poor body.  One day it's 65 the next 95... ahhh summer in the mid-west.

Its deceptive outside.  I didn't look at the thermometer, why disappoint myself.  Inside its a nice 68, that is the temperature my body likes the most. If I am chilled I can always pop on a sweater, but at least I won't hurt. It's clear outside, I wasn't prepared for the oppressive, damp heat that greeted the boys and I as we left for our early morning walk.

We didn't go as far as planned, Gator struggles too much in the heat now.  Normally, I might worry.  But Hubs is home. Providing there are no storms, he will be able to take him out a couple times.  Let him take care of business without getting over heated.

His slowing down is hurting my heart.  He's 15.  He has cancer.  All I can do is love him and fill his bucket list.  You know chicken treats, cuddles, real burger and meat, and yummy frozen custards.  I will be happy if he is still with me a year from now, but each day he's a bit slower, I find myself already bracing for that time. A few extra pictures, a few more minutes sitting with him when he wants to be held, and giving him as much room on the bed as he wants.  Time enough to stretch out later.

Ironically, the big guy is just as elderly for his breed mix.  He will be 10 in November. Although his puppy ways make him seem so much younger. This morning I tried to sneak out the door with him, but he does not know how to be quiet.  If he'd have stopped talking he would have gotten a super long solo walk.  He simply can't help himself.  He is the most talkative dog I have ever had.  He definitely has something to say about everything.  He isn't really barking, it's sort of a series of sounds, howls, yips and I don't know... he really does sound like he's trying to converse, in a very loud little boy voice.  Funny that I always think of him in those terms.  A little boy.  When Hubs was trying to coax me into rescuing him, that is how he first described him.

"Honey, there is the handsome dark haired, dark eyed 3 year old boy, he desperately needs a home.  A mom and dad to love him"... I remember telling him I didn't know if it was a human or a dog, but we didn't need either.  We weren't up to it.

As I step painfully on bits of toys and boy debris every day, I am still wondering if it is a human or dog that rescued us so long ago.  He's awkward, goofy, loving, messy, toy loving, and a total foodie... yep he's a little of both and he is definitely one of our boys.

I don't really feel like facing the world.  I'm enjoying my peaceful little spot with my boys.  Outside these walls, it's the usual summer chaos. And I am sure we say it every year, but I am fairly certain this year is a bit worse.  The violence in the city is getting worse.  A lot worse. I can't even say it is gun violence.  It's just ugly people violence. People are being shot and beaten.  Theft is on the rise.

When I arrive and leave work I drive down streets littered with bodies, they are alive.  Yet the harm they are doing to themselves with drugs and alcohol is unbelievable.  Some times they are lying in the same spot for hours.  Alive, but not.

There is a serious disease spreading in this city, heck this country. I'm not sure what its called, but it is definitely on the rise.  Apathy, disrespect, immoral, destructive and those are just a few of the symptoms. Personal responsibility seems to have flown out the window. Throw money at it, that will make it better. Look away as they are rotting from the inside. Ignorance is bliss isn't it?

One of my dearest friends, heck a part of my family, my heart, is part of the north city community.  I shared her stress and worried this weekend when there was a shooting that left two dead and one possibly dying right outside the store her son operates.  Bullets flying, broad daylight, a holiday weekend.  People shouldn't have to have those worries and fears simply buying soda and a lottery ticket on the holiday.

I was talking to Hubs about it yesterday.  Saying how fearful it made me, how stressed.  Somewhere in the babble, I realized that we are watching "The Godfather" being played out live on our streets.  It wasn't a random punk bored and hot that was shooting at those 3 men.  I've seen the surveillance pictures. White gloves, semi-automatics, 10 shots into the head of an already dead man?  Seriously?  We have gangs in several areas, the girls are getting as out of control as the guys.  It's insane.

Makes me wonder when Momma or Gramma is going to snap.  Slap some kids upside their heads and say "I raised you better than that".  I'm afraid we've gone past that, I'm afraid that we have a generation that raised themselves.  I'm terrified that all these youngsters that all got participation prizes and never feared a spanking by anyone in authority have never learned too many life skills.

I'm afraid.

It would be so easy to stay here locked in my county castle.  Enjoy my day puttering and playing with my boys and Hubs.

But I won't.

I will drive into the city, I will wonder how all those people that make the inane comments on Facebook can say what they say, without ever experiencing it first hand.  I will spend hours with people that are one step away from being that next body lying on the street, hoping we can find something to keep them engaged and inside.  Maybe another cup of coffee or game of pool.  Maybe a conversation about their art. Maybe we get to win another day, maybe the friendly voice they hear will keep them from finding a doorway and doing too much of the newest craze on the street.  Maybe when I get to ask them about their day, their eyes will be clear and they will know we are speaking.

Or that hotheaded young man will decide to blow off his steam and anger shooting hoops. Or that veteran that is fighting his or her own demons inside their head will remember that there are many people that are thankful for them and want to celebrate them.

I fear that the joy I find in my boys is something too many hurting people can't find in anything. That love, compassion, empathy, caring, hope, joy and human kindness are going extinct...

Well, my coffee is cold, my boys are snoozing and I hear Hub's radio.

It's time to shower and head off to work.  Keep the faith!  And find some reason to be filled with mindless, heart-filled love today, share that love with at least one other person... Make a difference.  If all else fails find a pup and share in their love and joy!

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