finding faith...

The winds brought through a short, intense storm this morning.  It was a bit unexpected. Welcome just the same.  It's been brutally hot. Today through Sunday are supposed to be worse.  So the cool breeze and big, wet, soaking drops that fell were very welcome.

It's been an intense few weeks.  So many things changing and happening, that it almost feels overwhelming. Oppressive even.  I don't hate change.  In fact I flow quite nicely with it.  I may not change my house once I have it the way I like it, it's my comfort zone.  My sanctuary against overwhelming change and disruption. Probably as a result of being a military child and spouse for so very long. I need one constant.

I guess part of my struggle right now, is that the change is all around me, I am a witness and whatever is going on will impact me.  But I am not a participant.  I am simply an observer.  I guess it is like the feeling you get when you allow yourself to float on waves.  You are pushed up, down, sideways, but you can do nothing but go with it.

I am trying to do that.

I don't know if I am being successful or not.  All of the changes that I am watching will have an impact on me in some shape, size or color.  All of them will change the world outside of my four walls in some manner. Some of them have the potential to alter my world in a beautiful positive light.  Some have the possibility of darkness.  I am usually a very optimistic and upbeat person.  Some of these things have my praying for guidance and strength.

And these are things in my immediate circle.  They don't even include all of the changes, growing pains, and growing hatreds that seem to be bubbling up in our country and world.  Hubs is fond of saying "it may not be end of days, but you can see it from here."  I am sure it has a bit to do with his catholic upbringing. I don't see so much doom and gloom.

As I sneak up on my next birthday, I am finding myself more and more contemplative. Fifty was a milestone, a marker.  It's been a year to evaluate, to grow and to plan.  As 51 looms in the near distance and all of these changes swirl around me, I am wondering if it will be a year of growth.  A year of change.

Hubs and I joined the YDPP (Y Diabetes Prevention Program).  I guess our own mortality is causing us to be a bit proactive.  Or he convinced me it was.  I am not a joiner.  But... I am now part of a group focused on improving health.  It seems important, if I can just get past the "joining" part of it I am sure it will be wonderful for us both!  And who knows, I might even make some new friends.

I am also toying once again with a desire to learn to ride a motorcycle.  I have a feeling I will take the classes this year.  It feels right. I don't know, I might talk myself out of it again.  I love riding with Hubs, being free to observe and take pictures, to get lost in my own thoughts, to live in each moment.

I wonder if this desire that keeps getting stronger has more to do with wanting and needing to gain some control.  To be in charge of something.  Maybe that is why I am not overly upset Hubs wanted me to join him in YDPP.  Maybe I need some control.

Right now... I have so little.  Right now... I am drifting and rolling with the tide. It is a bit unnerving to have so many things that impact you going on and not having so much as an ounce of control.

Long ago, when I was a little girl, I had a necklace from my Grammie.  It was a mustard seed in a tiny tear drop magnifying glass drop.  I still have it. It was to remind me that with faith as small as a mustard seed, anything and everything is possible. As I've grown I have tried to always let that be my mantra.  To always have faith.  Sometimes it has been very hard, sometimes it has been easy.  Mostly, it is simply a reminder that all things happen as they should and that it always happens in God's time.

Today, I will say an extra prayer for God's will to be done.  He knows what is best. Today I will find that faith again.  Today decisions are being made that affect me, soon enough they will be revealed.

Today is here.  Gods will be done.

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