Friday, January 30, 2015

It's the little things...

The sounds of Looney Toons are echoing up the stairs.  It's a bit louder than I can take, one of the reasons that I am upstairs.  Two of my favorite people in the world are downstairs giggling, laughing and bouncing their little short attention spanned selves between cartoons and YouTube.  In a few moments I expect to hear Shake it Off yet again.

Grandpa is in his glory with his baby girl.  They are so close, he is always good for getting a giggle out of her. They make the perfect playmates.  Both of them love music and television.  Usually at a very loud volume. In all fairness Gramps is a bit hard of hearing.  Leftover from a stint in Vietnam.  The grand baby has a bit of hearing loss also, so it probably sounds perfectly normal to them both.  I love listening from a distance.  I am far too sensitive to sound to be able to join them, but I love hearing it, from a distance.

It's been a good day.  I was able to spend time with my favorite folks at work.  It was an odd day losing the internet and phone service for most of the day.  There was time for laughter and conversations.  For joy at what we get to witness and for silliness with members.  Lunch with friends, not what I packed, but a warm, greasy burger from Five Guys.  It was yummy.  Thanks Red!

A chance to "chat" with my son.  I am always so amazed watching him become such an incredible grown man.  Realizing that he doesn't need his mom any more, and that it's okay to simply love him for him.  I am slowly coming to grips with the fact that my children are adults now, that they do not need my arms wrapped around them in protection.  It's pretty cool.  I love that I can simply enjoy them, love them and celebrate them! I have not lost the irony that both of my kids are better off financially than I am, but that I still LOVE to send them a little card with lunch money in it.  They probably think I am a total nut case.  And honestly I am okay with that. It brings me great pleasure to send my boy a few dollars for burgers or my girl a Starbucks gift card.

And then home to my sweet grand baby and my boys!  Life is wonderful in its simplicity. I haven't gotten to enjoy that little angel for a few weeks.  Gramps had seen her, but she'd gone home before I got home from work.  Taking her out to Chick Fil A tonight, well that made my night.  She's so silly and fun.  A quick stop at the girl's, resulted in us finding our grandson still at home - he hadn't gone to his friends yet and we sure did scare him.  He's a good kiddo and that is the last thing I would want to do.  He couldn't have been too freaked out he wasn't willing to come home with us.

Foghorn Leghorn is still echoing up the stairs, I just helped that sweet angel make a small pot of hot tea.  She is a fan of Vanilla Rooiboos, and she's commandeered the little red and white tea cup and saucer that my son's sweet girlfriend gave me for Christmas.  Baby girl in the house, cup in her hand, it is what it is.

She and Grampa are enjoying their looney toons and I think Gramma is going to sit here and knit, it's been a week, and Friday finally got here...

Thursday, January 29, 2015

as tear drops fall...

This morning in the darkness, I slipped on my glasses and picked up my phone.  It is my normal routine.  One that has years of fears and worries behind it.  I am always checking to see that my kids are fine, that my mom and dad are okay, and that while I slept those I love were safe as well.

In the darkness this morning, I saw a lovely picture of sweet Runner.  He crossed his finish line last night, he's now running free and unhindered, his sweet voice is echoing through the heavens I'm sure. No one heard him speak while he was here among us mere mortals, he words too precious to share.  I am sure last night when he ran across that finish line, his Uncle that loved and adored him here on earth was there with open and loving arms to catch him and welcome him to eternity.

With tears running down my face, my heart broken and soaring all at once, the big dog climbed up beside me to comfort me.  He'd heard me cry.

Last night the sunset that hubs and I saw was so brilliant, we didn't have a single camera capable of capturing the beauty.  It was breath taking.  I guess the angels were preparing the welcoming party to greet that amazing little man just a few hours later.

Not everyone believes in heaven, and that's okay.  I do.  I know in my deepest heart that there is an eternity waiting for each us, that includes our families and loved ones.  Our pets will join us, our hearts will be whole again.  And I really don't care if others don't feel that.  I won't judge them, I refuse to be judged by them.

As I slowly got ready to brave the day, and walk my boys in that wind that seemed to be trying to scour the earth, my heart was really heavy.  The wind reminded me so much of New Mexico and the horrid 7 months that my son and I lived there.  We hated it.  It was lonely, it was barren, and we were brutally unhappy. Those winds on the high desert blew the tumble weeds around so hard that everything was scarred from their existence.  That is how the morning felt today.  The winds were blowing trash cans, lawn decorations everywhere and scouring everything in their path.

Just like those winds healed my heart and striped away the callousness that could have formed I felt comfort from them today.  I never met Runner, his brother or father.  His mother is my friend.  Although it's been years since we've talked face to face.  And our friendship was built as part of a nine month class we shared.

She has impacted my life since before I met her.  She was asked to share her story at one of our Y functions, long ago.  I didn't know her, but her story touched my heart down to my very soul.  She proudly spoke of her precious Runner.  She shared with everyone the joys and sorrows of raising a special needs child.  She shared joyously the gifts he silently brought into her life and how she could never image her world without him.  Later we were in a class together, she was often on my teams, and her joyful attitude towards life made so many things a bit more worthwhile.

A bit later she had her second son, Dash.  It seemed the woman who could not possibly be any more joyful, giving, loving and buoyant had actually transcended even that level.  She lifts everyone around her.

Over the years, I have watched, celebrated and mourned with her as she and her precious family have endured more than most of us will ever have face.  Runner's illnesses, the loss of a cherished baby brother, and now Runner's final battle and the victory that waited for him.

In December I sat in the same building where I had first heard her speak, wishing she was there, missing the pureness she brought with her love of children and our mission.  Sadly, she'd left the Y a few years before and she was were she needed to be anyone, with her sweet little man.

As I have followed along at a distance, as I have prayed with them and for them.  As I have marveled at them, my life has changed.  I can't fathom their strength.  I can't imagine the depth of sorrow or the sheer pride of being the parents to such a wonderful life changing little boy.  He changed many lives, and never said a word.

Through their journey, they have made an impact on so many.  My faith is deeper, I am a deeply spiritual and faithful person. While I may struggle with man's church, God's love is the source of my own strength and energy.  I measure who I am, and my contribution to this crazy planet by a different measuring stick.  I often wonder have I earned the right to call her my friend, am I good enough?

The beauty of yesterday, has faded into a gray, windy, harsh day.  I think the earth is mourning the return of that petite little angel to the beauty of heaven.  We are all a bit paler for the loss...

I am going to ask everyone that reads this, to please send my dear friend and her family loving prayers, uplifting and positive energy.  They will need it.  Their Superman has gone home...

Monday, January 26, 2015

Wishing on the heavens...

It's quiet tonight, at least here in the Mid-West.  It's a night of waiting, watching and praying for so many. The east coast is bracing, seems there is quiet a storm heading their direction.  But here at home, it's quiet. The sunset tonight was calm and beautiful.  I find living out on the western side of St. Louis now, has given us the gift of some amazing sunsets.

Walking out along the ridge tonight walking the boys, I often find myself mesmerized by the view that waits for us. The cotton candy colored clouds, softly drifting, pull my attention their direction.

I am grateful for those sunsets, and the sunrises, they bring focus.

One of my friends is preparing to lose one of her babies to Heaven.  I can't even imagine the strength it takes to face that kind of loss with such graciousness.  Gracious, oddly accurate, oddly defining.  I am proud to know her, want to eventually meet her husband the one that writes of their sweet boy's journey so beautifully. I am praying.  For peace.  I am praying for healing for a family that has endured far too much.  I am praying their sweet son does not have to suffer for a prolonged amount of time.  He is precious.  Their youngest will be lost for a while, although he seems to be so much older than his little baby years.

As I struggle with the things that are making me cringe and I stare into the beautiful clouds I think of all the small things.  I start a mental catalog of all the things that I am blessed to have in my life.  It's not always been strawberries and whipped cream, there have been and still continue to be stumbling blocks and pain.  But in the grand scheme of things, my world is just alright.  I am okay.

I am still going to make some tough decisions this year, I might be charting a different path, but with age comes wisdom and I am okay with the changes I have in mind.  It isn't the end of the world, it's simply as the GPS says... rerouting.

Today started out so rocky.  My stress level was off the charts.  I really wanted, desperately, to curl back up in bed and go to sleep. I was done almost before I was all the way awake. Then I walked my boys with the hubs in a biting cold morning, looking up at the remaining stars blinking in the heavens, and the world started righting itself.

Later in the day, when stress and exhaustion were getting the best of me, I got the fluffy cotton candy puffy clouds in the middle of my sunset... who can stay stressed and exhausted.

Tonight as I sit here, it's been a long day, but a good one.  Today is also a dear, dear friends birthday.  I love it!  i can't wait to celebrate with her tomorrow.

Lose yourself in the sunrise and the sunset. It makes the day so much better... prayers for everyone in harms way.  Prayers for my dear friends.  Sleep is calling me...

Sunday, January 25, 2015

As I toil...

It's a bit dark and dreary...
The sun is probably coming up... No beautiful sunrise today.  It's cloudy and overcast, and it's been raining all night.  Such a stark contrast to the sheer beauty of yesterday! Yesterday was a beautiful fall or spring type day, high 50's and just plain gorgeous!  Hubs and I were busy as can be.  We went back to Illinois.

I have to admit, I simply don't miss it.  Even on a beautiful day it was dreary and unwelcoming.  I don't miss the horrid traffic, the rudeness, there is very little I miss about there.  I will miss my yard in the spring, it was perfect for gardening.  I will not miss anything else.

Although we did make the best of the day.  Our twins had given me a gift card for Christmas a few years (yes, it really was 2012) to a local salon. I figured I should probably get around to using it, so while we were over there I made an appointment for a nice trim and a few pampering things.  It was so nice to be pampered for a bit, so much that I can't believe I waited quite so long to use it.  Hubby in typical fashion made friends with the gentleman working the counter and the stylist's next client while waiting.  Sharing coffee and cookies while being a patient loving husband.

His reward, okay mine too, was a visit to Shogun Steakhouse.  I have to admit they really rock the sushi, if you can truly call my favorites sushi (I don't care for any but the veggie).  And he loves their low mien with scallops.  It's probably one of my favorite places to go for really good Asian food.  It really was an awesome way to enjoy a late lunch/early dinner... well... until I discovered Hubs paid to have them celebrate my birthday. Seriously? I mean really?  Drums, a dragon, and a goofy headband with chop sticks.  I can't say I was pleased.  Mainly because my birthday isn't until August.  If he thinks I am going to spend this milestone birthday being embarrassed every time we go out, it's going to be a cook at home only kind of year!

If you know me, know anything about me, then you know I am the family introvert.  And you know I hate to be singled out for anything.  So. Luckily for him they were pretty darn empty at that time in the day.

That man... He's says it's because he loves me so much.  Personally I think he loves to see me turn a shocking shade of hot pink. I have agreed to a small party for my birthday - gives me 7 months to come up with an excuse to not allow it.  But humiliation every time we go out.  No, no, that isn't going to happen.

Today holds the usual cram everything that needs done in the weekend kind of stress.  I woke up so early and as my brain registered my lengthy to do list, I knew I wouldn't be going back to sleep. I gave up when the old pup almost pushed me out of bed wanting to snuggle closer and Hubs started talking.

It's a pot of coffee later and I've gotten two loads of laundry done and the thumb put on a mitten.  I am feeling that it's been a pretty productive morning.  And for all my fiber fanatic friends out there, if you have never knit or crochet with 100% baby alpaca yarn, you are completely missing out on an incredible experience! Make a hat, scarf, mittens... something! It's super soft and such a joy.

Hubs gave up and went back to sleep, who knows when he and the bed hog boy will wake up.  Probably long after me and big guy get back from our morning walk.  Eventually I think I will fix Sunday brunch and plan to complete all of my task list today.  Right now, functioning after a day at work is proving to be a bit of a struggle, so the majority has to happen on the weekends.  I envy those that are able to work part time... Ah a girl can dream...

I hope everyone is having an amazing day, I plan to.

Friday, January 23, 2015


First world problems... my darn phone is giving me fits.  I hate it!  I am not a techno geek, I do not keep up on the latest and greatest. I am pretty much old school central.  If I had a house phone and did not have an almost obsessive compulsion to always be available for my hubby,  kids and grand kids I am fairly positive I would just say toss it and forget it.

This makes me happy... phone... not so much
I dread when a phone starts to fail because that leads to a whole mess of problems that I absolutely do not want to deal with!  The first thing being finding a new phone.  Like I said, I do not keep up on the latest and greatest.  And can honestly say my first phone which was $49.99 is the most expensive phone I have ever bought.  I always search the site for those free to $.99 phones. I despise the thought of paying so much for a phone.  Especially when I already pay so much a month for the privilege of constant connection.

This is not a great start to my Friday.  It feels like just one more jab in my already cranky state about current affairs and life.  It's a stark reminder to me that I have allowed so many outside influences to intrude into my bubble.

So... do I need to go with a smart phone?  I will admit there are a few apps that have made my life easier, but they aren't really something I cannot live without.  I will also own up to the fact that I love having my camera ready at a moments notice, but I actually own two really wonderful camera's and could carry one with me without too many struggles. And truthfully does life really need to be recorded all the time? Probably the only thing I would really miss is the convenience of texting and connecting easily. I cannot stand texting on a flip phone... drives me crazy.

I am not an apple fan, which is why I do not own an iPhone, or an i-anything for that matter.  I had an iPod Nano that was given to me by the hubs as a gift... I can tell you that it was pretty much wasted money.  It's like new - probably used once or twice - I also cannot stand anything forcing music into my ears and I am not really sure where it is since we've moved.  He meant well, he was trying to make my bike rides more enjoyable.  He's the guy that needs constant sounds, so it's tough for him to relate to my need for silence.

So I am back at my original struggle... I will need to replace my phone, unfortunately as I still reside in this crazy, connected, communicative world I require one.  I need it for work, I want it to be connected to my family and friends.

I don't know what kind, style or well anything else.  I simply know it is a need that I will have to face.  Once I have faced it and made that ugly decision then comes the tough part.  Learning a new phone!!  I hate technology.  Hubs will be a doll and print me out the users manual, he will probably email it to me also.  I won't read it.  I will look up the key things I need to know.  I won't care about all the bells and whistles or the fact that it can do somersaults if I train it right (okay I admit that is a bit snarky)...  Why can't they make a smart phone for people like me.  I am not going to ever use most of the stuff it comes loaded with.  I want my basics, the stuff I need daily.  The rest of it, no thanks.

I don't want to play games on my phone.  I don't need an app for every aspect of my life.  I want my address book, my Facebook, my banking, my work stuff, my crafting stuff and that is about all I need. Oh I guess I do adore Google maps... I can honestly tell you there is stuff on my phone I have never once considered opening, don't know how it works and don't intend to learn.  That is simply how I am.

In my world, in my first world kind of problems, this is a disaster!  It will require far more effort than I want to give it.  And far more energy that I feel like wasting.  Why can things simply not be made to last? I have socks that I wear constantly, that I knit with great care that have lasted longer than a cell phone does.

This gray overcast day goes very well with my mood over this latest development... Well if you are trying to reach me by cell phone for the next little bit... please be aware the silly thing might not be working... you might need to try a different method.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Do you know where you're going to?


I feel we seriously need to reevaluate our relationship.  Heck even the sun does not seem too happy to see you.  I am sitting here with my coffee wondering if the sky plans to ever lighten today.  I vaguely see a hint to the east, but I really have to struggle to see it.

I don't feel like having a relationship with you any longer, and I feel that is so unfair to both of us.  Monday, you should be bright and bold, daring me to take on new challenges and adventures.

Instead, you are tired and dreary.  Pleading with me to climb back in bed and close my eyes. Steal a few more precious winks.

What kind of motivation is that?

Yesterday was a mixed bag of tricks.  It was filled with tasks, some successful, some not so much.  So many household chores accomplished.

Sewing room mostly finished

All set up and ready to go

only 5 pieces?

My attempt at bra making... well, lets just say I will need to purchase more supplies.  It's a beautiful bra, but I need to re-evaluate my measurements.  Evidently, I am not so great with numbers and understanding a different sizing system.  Before making the next one, I will definitely be in touch with the instructor for some clarification as to the direction I need to go with attempt number 2.  I feel confident it will be a successful endeavor, I just feel I need a bit more guidance before proceeding.  It isn't the most inexpensive fabric in the world and I already have a nice collection of bra's that do not fit the way I want, why would I want to expand that collection?
I did it!  Evidently for someone else...

I never did quite get Gator's coat done, but that is okay, I will work on it after work this week and hopefully get it finished before the weather decides to take a dip into the cold temperatures again.  It's only the beginning of the third week in January, only a fool would believe these mild temperatures are going to last the rest of the winter.
My doting assistant,,,

I didn't sleep well last night.  The seven hours I had spent carefully crafting my first bra ended up as a learning experience only - and I don't like to devote that many hours with nothing to show for it.  That's okay, it's also a lesson I need to learn - patience.  So for hours my brain twisted and twirled trying to resolve the steps needed to make it work.  On top of that Hubs and I had a disagreement about how to deal with an issue last night.  His temper flared, I disagreed... reason number two for no sleep.

Now it's Monday.  I don't want to face it, deal with it, or even make it's acquaintance.  I don't feel like dealing with any of it.  As I walked the Neeks this morning, I didn't even find myself day dreaming.  Just staring up at those brilliantly lit stars and wishing it was still the weekend.

I read a meme on Facebook the other day.  It said "don't repeat the same year over for 75 times and call it a life." Is that what I have been doing?  Am I stuck in an uncomfortable comfort zone and too unsure and afraid to walk a bit further out there?  Where is that Monday that is going to invigorate me?  That will wake me up saying "game on"?  

Saturday, January 17, 2015

I don't understand...

What a beautiful day, the sunshine, the soft breeze, the fun times running errands with hubby.  It was the perfect kind of day for kicking back and just enjoying time.  

Funny watching hubs and I walking.  My left knee/ankle is giving me fits again (they never did figure all of it out - partially torn Achilles and 6 months in a walking boot - never did make it go away), so I am favoring my left leg.  He is doing so much better, but when he starts getting tired he favors the right. We strongly resembled a pair of webbols wobbling along as we got tired.  

Between his cabin fever and my desire to get all the errands done so I can stay at home in my jammies all day yesterday we probably pushed ourselves a bit much.  As he's already headed to bed, yes it is 7:30 pm and I am sitting here with my poor leg elevated and it cussing me.  

The past week was a tough one, it has led to many thought processes and action steps that will cause changes.  They have to.  So today was about catching up.  Planning. And enjoying quality time with the hubs!

As we watched the sun setting tonight marveling at all the different colors in the sky, depending on which way we turned. To the east... gorgeous pinks, against the Aegean blue, punctuated by the snap of the flag waving in the wind. A turn to the west showed us a display of deep orange shooting up like a flame against the darker clouds rolling in. It was a spectacular end to our travels today. 

By the time we got home hubs was hungry.  Being exhausted I suggested tomato soup and grilled cheese, who doesn't love that combo.  The staple of our youth, perfect for a crisp day.  Wrapped in the nostalgia of the day, the cool breezy air, the silliness with hubby, it seemed perfect. 

As I washed the soup down the sink, my disappointment knew no boundaries. What in the world has happened to Campbell's tomato soup?  I will be depositing quite a few cans at the local food pantry.  When did it become orange?  That color was beautiful in the sunset, it is awesome in a beautiful orange, a mango or papaya, I love it in butternut squash, cantaloupe, sweet potatoes or pumpkin .  But tomato soup?  I am sorry, but no, it is not a color for tomato soup.  As we both looked at the mess in our bowls, wondering where our childhoods went, we decided to look at the label.  

Mistake number two. Tomato paste concentrate?  High Fructose Corn Syrup?  Neither of those instilled confidence. All those things I couldn't pronounce... well my heart sure was sinking lower. When I hit the word "flavor", I realized I was done.  What kind of flavor do you feel you need to add to tomato soup? Shouldn't the tomato's provide the flavor? The picture on the label showed a deep rich looking red soup, my bowl contained an orange flavorless blah.  I was done. 

I've given up tonight.  I fed the dog, yes miss b "your dog", my grilled cheese - what's the point without a warm tomato soup to dip it into.  Refilled my water, popped a couple of Aleve hoping it takes some of the ouch out of that knee and lower leg before I growl anymore.  And sat down.  I wasn't really hungry, after those few bites I really am not hungry. It's time to search for a great tomato soup recipe.  Sure wish that little shop on Washington Ave was still in business, theirs was the best.  Although tonight its time to simply stop.  I will go to bed shortly.  My silly body is hurting, my mind might love the temperature swings, my FMS does not.  The exhaustion of the week has worn me out.  I believe I will wake up and try to face a different day tomorrow....

Friday, January 16, 2015

Walking on Sunshine...

Good Morning!  I am watching a beautiful sunrise drifting up the horizon.  It's so beautiful.  The oranges and golds are so beautiful.  They provide a sharp contrast to the deep azure of the morning sky.  The sliver of the moon and a few remaining stars are flickering softly as morning creeps in.

I haven't had time to blog this week.  Work has been sucking up a lot of time, it happens in January.  This year I am finding myself torn in a lot of directions.  Physically, mentally and definitely emotionally.  I feel that I am at a serious tipping point in my life.  One of those crossroads.  Left or right. Up or down. Stay or go.  I feel that this is a defining year.  It requires love and attention.  It requires my participation.

I am a go with the flow person.  For the most part I will ride the waves, I am not like the salmon, I don't fight the current.  I am finding that turning point is invading my life.  I am taking inventory of where I am and what I want.

I am celebrating my 50th year.  I love it!  I cannot wait until my sweatshirt gets here!  It isn't like when I turned 25, which by the way I HATED! And I barely paid any attention to 30 and 40, they didn't even register despite the Red Head decorating work like a funeral home for 40.  I didn't feel reflective, I didn't feel the need to evaluate if I was happy or the direction I was going.  I just kept plodding along, floating with the river.  Now that I am turning 50, I feel a strong need to stop, reflect, evaluate, and redirect.  Am I happy?  Fulfilled?  Do I feel that what I am doing with every aspect of my life makes me feel alive, excited, facing the day with energy and power?

There's a country song... about my next 30 years... well I might have missed that by 20, but that's okay.  What do I want the next 30 or so years to be?  When I get to the end of my parade through life, will it be filled with regrets?  Will I arrive at the pearly gates saying "man I sure wish I had worked a few more hours?" I doubt it.

I think that the next few months will see some serious changes for me.  I plan to hit that big 50 feeling prepared for the next 30 or so years.  Maybe it just took me 50 years to come into my own.  To find my strength and my voice.  Maybe to find my courage.

There are areas of my life, that the only thing in the world I would change is the amount of time that I have to devote to them.  My family, my friends, my "hobbies" (yeah that could read passions). And there are others that are really starting to feel like shackles to the gallows.  Things that I know will destroy me as a person if I allow them to continue.

At the end of the metamorphosis I fully intend to be a free flying beautiful butterfly, in all the glorious colors of the rainbow.  I will still be drifting gently on the current, but it will be the currents of gentle air in warm sunshine, not a treacherous river with a strong undertow waiting to gobble me up.  There will be many changes.  Some areas of my life will only be enhanced, some will not even remotely resemble where I was last year.

I can feel the chrysalis forming. Those closest to me and my heart will be wrapped tightly in there beside me, I will need the love and support.  Those further out or that are causing me harm will be left behind.

It's time.... I am ready to dance in the sunshine!

Sunday, January 11, 2015

In the early morning darkness...

I'm up way too early after staying up way too late.  I don't know if I should be annoyed or thankful.  I woke up with a start at 5:42, actually it was more of a growl than a start. Something dinged on my phone, I was already sleeping fitfully, so it shouldn't have surprised me to get woken up by such a soft sound.  Hubs was up, for a minute.  I vaguely remember growling I'm not awake yet to his cheerful good morning. Next I knew he was sleeping soundly beside me and I was wide awake.  My mind running as fast as it could pointing out all the things I needed to do this weekend, but hadn't even started and a full day was gone.

Disappointment at not snoozing was eating at me, I really wanted to sleep in.  I know I will regret it later today.  That new yarn I wrote about, had captured my attention a little too strongly.  While watching a bit of television with the girls (who decided to come visit their Dad), I decided to cast on.  I wanted to feel that 100% baby alpaca yarn wrapped around my fingers.  It's so soft, so warm, I just couldn't resist it.  I believe that I have freely admitted to multiple addictions... coffee, fiber, fabric, wood, paint... yeah you get the picture.

I just kept wanting to see a bit more of the pattern emerge.  Mesmerized by the colors coming together.  I must be in a blue/white/red/burgundy mood... as I seem to be purchasing many things in those color schemes.  I don't care, those are going to be gorgeous mitts and I will do the other set reversed.  That way they will match my pretty red/black winter coat that I completely love. Each row was showing itself with more and more of the pattern and color blending.  This set is in ecru/burgundy tweeds.  I like.  Not sure I love, but I really like.  We will see.  The softness will win me over, I know it will.

For the first time I feel selfish with my knitting.  I want to make something for others - always.  But for some reason, I hardly ever make for me.  And now, I finally feel the need to make for me.  Hubs started to suggest I make the girls mittens.  I am not sure that will happen.

I have made them many things over the years. Socks, sweaters, hats, wristers, quilts, afghans, etc... and they have kept and cherished none of it.  I am not feeling a need to make things that will not be wanted and cherished anymore.  I am not picking nor being negative.  They are young, I am an old soul.  To me the greatest gift you could give me is something you put your heart and time into making for me. In my heart those were awesome gifts, the kind I loved to receive from my grandmothers and great grandmother when I was young.  Then again, like I said I am an old soul.  I still believe in hope chests and tradition. You can't buy me happiness. The greatest treasures are homemade.

I am proud of myself.  I haven't even picked up my knitting.  I want to.  I keep looking over, and then I force myself to look away.  Christmas must be tucked away.  The house must be cleaned. The bills must be paid. The critters need their spaces cleaned.  And then, only then will I allow myself to put a few more rows.  Only then will I get lost in the beauty that is emerging.  The mind numbing peace of knit, throw, knit, pick... the rhythm making me feel such a deep connection with the past.

How will you spend your Sunday?

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Those little moments...

I love the unexpected turns in life.  A morning spent with our grand baby definitely makes for a wonderful start to the weekend. It wasn't planned, but nothing tops a short visit that involves a tea party and homemade donuts.  I mean seriously who does not love those silly, simple biscuit donuts?

Hubs is far more mobile now.  Short bursts of time, but it's enjoyable to walk the boys together again.  For the most part he and the old guy are at about the same speed.  Although I had to carry the old guy back again this morning.  The ground on a five degree morning is simply more than his little feet can take.  He knows Mommy will scoop him up and carry him home when they give out from the cold.  But it's beyond pathetic to see the look in those big brown eyes when he's managed to step on whatever they treat the roads with combined with the cold.  By the time I get him home, I feel like I am going to simply collapse, after all he's about 70 pounds of dead, awkward weight.  Anyone that has ever had to carry a basset hound can appreciate what I am saying.  Cause when it's time to be carried the basset half definitely over comes the pit bull side.  Sweet sugar boy.  He's always grateful for the help though.

Our sweet girl was only at the house for a couple of hours this morning.  Long enough for her and Grampa to have a jam session in the man cave - I am fairly sure I heard yodeling.  And for me to be completely traumatized by the new Looney Toons.  When did Daffy become the epitome of a rude, arrogant, nasty, bullying jerk (yeah, I cleaned that up) and Chip and Dale are now a "couple", Porky was the biggest sap - so desperate for friends that he allowed himself to be demeaned and degraded... I can't even describe my feelings about the push over, screw up that Bugs is now... And if I had heard anymore jokes laced so heavily with sexual innuendo I am fairly sure I was going to loose my mind! Since when does the Looney Toon gang need to tell each other "my eyes are up here".  WHAT??

Okay I will admit that it's been a really long time since I watched Looney Toons, a long time.  And I might have been a naive kid.  But... what happened to Bugs playing pranks - a carrot in his hand saying "what's up Doc?" Or stating that he must have taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque? Porky was just a lovable clown always trying to get Petunia's attention.  Chip and Dale were simply two mischievous little chipmunks causing chaos and trouble in the most loveable way. How did they start dressing in suits and acting like two characters from La Cage aux Folle?

I think I asked Hubs to check the channel multiple times, somehow sure we had accidentally stumbled onto some odd adult humored show.  Nope, it was a kids channel.  And they wonder why our babies are not babies for long anymore.  And how they grow up so very fast and doing things that are completely wrong...

I was grateful that the little one's friends came to get her.  That was more than I could take in a morning. Sure sent me off kilter.

Hubs spoiled me a bit and took me to the LYS (local yarn shop) because I definitely need more yarn!  No I don't, but I sure did want some.  I am ready to tackle my next set of stranded knit mittens.  Which I also really don't need, but I simply feel strongly about having.  Besides I am trying to build my skills.  The next set with have a different pattern on the tops and palms, with a braided wrist band.  I cannot wait.  And that baby Alpaca yarn.  So very soft.  Very, very soft, so tempting, so beautiful, so... in the bad at my house!  I do believe I need several more sets of those beautiful Evergreen Lake mittens.  And I was struggling waiting for my order to come from Craftsy... doesn't it figure, it arrived today!

A quick stop by the thrift shop to see my daughter and grand son, he's "volunteering" and she is supporting his efforts.  She is an amazing mom, if I haven't stated that enough.  I am so unbelievably proud of both of them.  He is really coming into his own, and she is there to make sure that he does it with class, style and swagger.  All the while staying on the right path.

After that little visit and some time spent prowling around a great little thrift store we headed home. We had so much fun.  My house hasn't gotten cleaned yet, but I had some amazing family time.  Life is good...

Friday, January 9, 2015

Inside my ordinary life...

It's cold and brittle..
Well hellooooo Frostbite... I mean Friday... brrrrr I think it might be a case of both.  Yesterday it started out a balmy 5 degrees, today it's 17.  I really didn't notice a darn bit of difference.  Okay, that isn't true, today the boys wanted "full" walks not the mini-ones they got yesterday. Yesterday was cold minus the wind, today it is cold with a hard wind.  Basically, the same... and simply just plain COLD.

I love winter, but I do not want to be cold if there is no snow.  And unlike last year, there is no snow.  This makes me incredibly sad and very, very miserable.

On the plus side it makes for some drop dead gorgeous sunrises.  And a chance to stay inside and enjoy the company of family and friends.  At least those brave enough to come out to visit and work.

As I sit here defrosting, feeling some tingling pain returning to my face, I am trying to find the energy to get myself up the stairs and ready for work.  I always forget how difficult it is for me to get back to the normal work week after time off.  The pace is different, the need for rest becomes greater. I despise having to budget my energy.  And I never do well the first week.
The picture does not do it justice...
I would sleep in tomorrow, but I am hoping to attend the Disney-Make-A-Wish for Runner.  A dear friend's oldest has stage 4 liver cancer, as rare as the form of epilepsy that he fights daily.  This family is so amazing and inspirational.  He was supposed to go to Disney with his family so he and Daddy could run in the Disney marathon, but unfortunately his doctors feel it would not be good for him.  So instead, there will be a Marathon here for him! I am not a runner, or even a walker in this kind of cold, but I can be a cheerleader! That's my plan for tomorrow, to go and cheer that delightful little man as he and his Daddy run "his" marathon. I don't know if Mom and baby brother will run too, but I am prepared to cheer for them all. I want to help them celebrate that amazing little fighter.

I don't know if Hubby will be up to going.  I guess we will see. I would hate to go without him, especially as he and momma are close buds, but I am not sure how he will feel.  We'll see.  He's able to go out and about a bit more now, mostly within tolerance.  So we will see what tomorrow brings.

The Hubs with his healing buddies...
Seems to me that there has been a bit more sadness and tragedy in my world this past few years.  Another friend of mine lost one of her oldest and dearest friends on Monday.  She will go and celebrate her life this weekend.  Cancer is ugly and steals so much.  The heartbreak that it creates is mind boggling.  The suffering. There are times I cannot take it all in and I am only watching the destruction from the sidelines. I have said so many prayers in recent months for those two and many others. I cannot fathom why we cannot find a cure!

Well, I sure didn't plan to have this go so far down the rabbit hole of sadness, after all it is Friday, it holds so much promise for the coming weekend. I won't only do sad stuff.  I will finally take down Christmas decorations and deep clean my house like I always do as the ornaments and lights come down.  I will finish at least one sock (this is a cheat - I only need to kitchener the toe), and if we can find a date and time hubby and I will have dinner with two of the wonderful young adults I went to Brasil with! Somewhere in that mix I will find time for a bit more unpacking (no I am still not finished) and the usual chores.

It's just an ordinary life... I am so glad it's mine...

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

On a bitter quiet morning...

It's a bitterly cold morning.  That creepy kind that has almost no sound, except when the wind blows and you can hear the leaves that are left blowing down the frozen sidewalks and streets.  The moon keeps peaking briefly out around the clouds.  Enough to give you that eerie sense of light, but no reassurance.

I guess the deep cold must isolate against sound also.  I was walking the old guy and normally he will alert on someone long before I ever even see them, this morning the other dog was literally across the street from us, neither of us had heard him.  He is one of my favorites that we encounter in the morning.  Full of life and energy, always "talking".  He and the old guy are not really friendly to each other, its usually a stand off between them neither on exactly aggressive, but they often have a lot to say to each other. Not today...

I didn't get a chance to write yesterday, the first day back from Holiday is always crazy, the first day back in January when all those resolutions are kicking in means even crazier times. The fact that I was still trying to clean up a mess, well that sure didn't help at all.  At the ten hour mark my eyes were blurry, I was brain fried and still had a 30 minute drive home.  Ugghhh...

Top that off with feeling terrible.  Leaving hubby alone all day, knowing how bored and lonely he is, and then not being home in time to walk the boys.  Hubby did it, I was terrified the entire drive home.  The old guy is not too much of a challenge, he doesn't really pull or dart at all, he's steady.  The young big guy, well his is another story all together.  In fact, he can be down right challenging. And hubby hadn't really done the pup walk twice in months... and in bitter cold.  I asked him to call me when he was done... so I waited and waited... the whole drive seemed to take longer than ever.  With every horrible scenario playing out in my head and heart.  What if he fell, what if the big dog pulled him too hard, what if, what if... Just as I am leaving the highway, my blue tooth buzzes.  It's hubs... he's fine, hurting a bit, and by a bit I mean a great deal, but he is okay.

This morning I got them walked, I will try hard to not be late today.  I don't need that kind of stress...

The B's and I are working hard on a new mantra this year, holding on to our inner peace and not letting things change our mental state... calm is the word...

Are you holding on to your inner peace as this bitter cold moves in...

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Just another ordinary day...

Except for the wind chimes blowing around out front and the faint noise from the bedroom upstairs, it's quiet and dark in the house tonight.

The last two weeks seem to have already drifted away... time is so fluid like that.

I felt like a silly, old fool this morning.  No correction, I felt like a mom that loves her children and didn't know when she would see her youngest again as I squeezed him tight, not wanting that hug to end.  Biting my lip to not let the tears in my eyes run down my face.  It's so hard to let them live their lives, especially so far away.

A morning spent with Grand baby - who discovered an app to "chat with Santa" (they really needed better algorithms - everything was answered with "can you chat" or "Santa doesn't know if he can do that" - even when asking if Rudolph was doing well)  a bit of time together spent learning to make a hat and lunch with the youngest and her guy didn't really make my nerves calmer.

I hate when any of my family is flying anywhere.  Yes, I know it's safer than driving.  It's also far more final than driving should an accident occur.  Very little makes me calm when they are traveling, except the text that says... I'm here, I'm safe. The boy was evidently happy to see his sweetie, end result... he forgot to tell me he was home and okay.  I was a basket case.

Now he's safely home, the youngest and her guy are off living their lives too.  The eldest and the grand baby are tucked away at their home.  And it is quiet.

I'm okay with it.  I never found the energy to do all the stuff I was going to accomplish.  The four hours of sleep (no I wasn't willing to give up time with my kiddo's - as they were both here last night) probably had a lot to do with it.

I managed the basic chores, but it is still Christmas in my house.  I will tackle it later,  tonight I am just too tired.  Does it really hurt?  In between trying to function today I put a few more rows on a sock and fell asleep sitting up too many times to count.

The boy's cat is sitting sullen, she knows he's gone, she's checked.  The pups have searched the house for him too.  I think it's even hard on them, they know, but they do not understand. Their boy should be home...

Tomorrow it's back to work, it's time to face a new year and determine how that path is going to play out. Tonight, it is time for sleep.  Tonight it's simply okay to be thankful for the days we spent as a whole family. Knowing that time and distance does not dampen the love.  Knowing that my sweet girl and my grand baby are right around the corner, and knowing my boy will come visit again.  Knowing that Hubby and I are a great team.  And that my boy has a lady in his life that takes care to treat him good.  I am blessed...

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Time flies when you are having fun...

Two weeks has flown past, tomorrow my youngest heads back west.  His life has been gently put on hold for two weeks while he spent time here.  With me. As he prepares to head back, my heart isn't filled with the fear and dread that it held a year ago when he left home to build his life out west.

A year ago, he was moving away to a strange place, with no family or friends near by.  It was snowing to almost blizzard conditions and his big sister was driving him west.  I had never been far from him, not more than a short drive. I had a lot to adjust to, my baby no longer was in the nest.

Tonight as he is out with his sister and I hear grand baby down stairs with her Grandpa, I feel sadness that the time has flown by.  Two weeks, feels like only yesterday when he arrived, two weeks sure isn't long.  No fear or apprehension.  I am sitting here seeing his shoes sitting by the stair case, they have remained there for two weeks.  Tomorrow it will feel empty not to see them there.  The house will feel empty for a bit, Hubby and I will adjust, but it will take a minute or two.

In just a few I will fold his laundry so that it is ready to help him pack.  Yes, he could definitely do this himself.  But for a few minutes I still feel useful in his life. I still feel valued and needed. I love the feeling of being able to still be his mom, it feeds my need to nurture.

I am putting together a small treat or two for his sweetie on the coast.  I have felt so guilty having him home when he could have spent the holiday with her.  I am so thankful she is so sweet and understood how much I really needed him home.  She sent me the most beautiful tea cup and saucer.  It made me happy.

Tomorrow when he heads home, I will feel sadness.  I will feel a sense of loss, because I don't know when he will come home again.  Or when I might be able to go visit him again.  I will live in that vacuum for a minute or two.

And then I will do exactly what I have been doing, I will work on my projects, work on my house, I will take down Christmas.  I decided not to do that before he left, to stretch it out just a bit longer.  Tomorrow will be soon enough for the tree to come down, for snowy village to go back into boxes for another year.  For the dusting and mopping that comes with tucking away the holiday trimmings.

Tonight while I wait for him to come home, I will treasure the moments.  He already humored me and took our "visit" picture.  Every trip to visit involved a "visit" picture.  He and I, arm in arm. They are very, very special to me.  Each one shows the changes in him as he went from being my little man, to a grown man. Shoulder to shoulder when we started and now he is taller than me by quite a bit.  I can't share the picture, not until I have permission. I don't have to.  I have it, it's mine!

He's flying back west to a job that he is successful in, school starts again on Monday, his sweetie, his home, his life, his friends... He is settled in, I don't have to worry anymore.

It's time to sip a bit more Earl Gray, I love it with a bit of cream and sugar, take a few more stitches on my sock and fold that laundry.  I am gonna miss him.  So will Hubby.

Although, shhhh... wanna know a secret?  I think Hubby will enjoy being back to being the center of my attention.  He's been so wonderful letting me simply enjoy these two weeks, not making me feel guilty for spending time with my kids, even though he couldn't.  And understanding my need for them.  As the spotlight swings back to him exclusively, I am sure he will be thankful.

Friday, January 2, 2015


Not sure why, but for an optimist I sure can be a serious pessimist.  Most of the time, probably 95%, I am the one that always finds the rosy middle in things. I know every cloud has a silver lining and that I can do anything I set my mind to, unless it involves me loving math.  Because that will never happen.

So why do I always take years to tackle a new skill.  I have the ability to completely convince myself that a new stitch, new style, new craft is impossible.  Far out of my ability range and nothing I will ever be able to wrap my brain around.  It all seems so complicated.

For years I had grandmother's and friends trying to teach me to crochet.  Seriously, the easiest of all the skills I have.  It was simply incomprehensible for me.  I was not quite 18 when I finally decided I could do it.  I had the ability to use one needle and wrap some yarn around it and boom, I made an afghan.  I wanted a special Christmas present for the guy I was dating, and this one didn't seem too overwhelming.  A few chain stitches, a few singles and a few double crochets.  How hard could that be.  Well, he claimed to love it, I will admit now, almost thirty years later that it was hysterical and seriously defective.  I sure got creative making that puppy into a rectangle.  I don't know what became of that afghan, maybe his mother has it, or heck maybe my daughter does.  After all, that guy was her father.  He passed away many years ago.  Heck it might have ended up at Goodwill.

It was a learning curve.  The next one I attempted, I can still see it in my mind.  It was a complicated pattern, it was supposed to be all white.  This was before I learned about dye lots.  Oh my.  I didn't know anything about yarn, and even less about dye lots.  I decided I was going to tackle that pattern though.  In fact, if I were brave enough to look through my oldest pattern books I am sure I still have it.  Although I know I will never, ever make it.

I lovingly purchased a huge bag of white yarn.  At least it was all the same brand.  And started working.  Oh dear, half way through (and this was for a queen sized bed) spreading it out to look at my progress I discovered the color didn't look right.  Moving it out into brighter light, a good two weeks into it, I discovered the dye lot issue.  This was long before the internet was a common go to place when encountering a challenge and I lived in Germany, further complicating things. That beautiful white afghan became my first UFO (un - finished - object).  Something tells me that it would still be lurking somewhere if during a serious fit,  the recipient (not understanding the devastation one feels at putting that much work into a project to have to tear it all apart) angered at it not being finished, took a pair of scissors to it and destroyed it completely.

I didn't touch anything craft related for a good year after that.  At that point I'd decided to start quilting.  My eldest was on the way and I wanted her to have all the traditional goodies... mind you no afghans - what a disaster!  Quilting never evolved into something I dreaded.  Quilting and sewing simply seemed intuitive. Like the skill and the knowledge had been deposited in my bloodline, my DNA, by all of my talented ancestors so far back down the family tree.

Over the course of the years I have tackled many complicated patterns.  No one told me they were complicated until after the fact, so needless to say by the time I learned that I wasn't nearly skilled enough, I had already completed the project.

Needlework was another thing all together.

When my baby girl was young, we were pretty darn poor.  An E-3 in the military does not make a living wage and with a young one at home the cost of daycare and only having one car made it difficult to work outside the home.  And for a momma that is most happy in blue jeans and sweatshirts or a long skirt and sweater one would never have expected me to have a burning desire for my little doll to have beautiful, stylish clothes.  Only problem, I couldn't afford them.

Me and the Wal-mart scrap bin and reduced aisle became best friends.  I made her so many clothes.  I guess I ended up being pretty good.  My ex entered a few of the items in the county fair and I won ribbons. Yet deep inside I was dying to knit.  In junior high one of my classmates knew how.  I had watched her mesmerized as her fingers flew, and that beautiful scarf started flowing.  Sadly I hadn't been able to make my unskilled hands complete the task.  Convinced I would never learn.

I bought knitting needles and yarn.  And after each crochet project, and boy did I make a lot, I would get them out and give it a try. Most every one directly related to me has a sweater or two, hats, scarfs, slippers, pot holders, pretty much anything but afghans, has at least one or two that I have gifted them over the years. If it was crochet, I was a speed demon with an insatiable appetite to try everything.

I remember the day I learned to knit.  I am self taught in most things I do.  Not a fan of the classroom setting, definitely not a fan of public failure. Knitting was no exception. I had found the cutest little vest pattern, with a band of little owls at the top, it was on clearance and I knew that I could afford it. Couldn't make it, it was knit, but I could afford it.  And I was sure my little blonde haired, blue eyed cherub would looks so pretty in it.

Sitting outside my townhouse, baby girl napping inside, soaking up some sun as I sat on the curb out front looking at the murky swamp they were "mowing" something they did every fall.  Praying that no gator's or cotton mouths decided to make a run for it away from the biting teeth of that big swamp mower (yes I am sure it has a real name, just as I am sure I have no idea what it is).

Armed with two needles, the long metal kind that you find at every Wal-Mart and that I wouldn't be caught dead holding in my hands now. Some blue yarn, acrylic and a bit scratchy.  A how to knit book, this was long before the days of the "for Dummies" series. And that beautiful pattern.  I have always had a passion for cables.  Those unattainable knitted cables. Something clicked.  Something all the sudden made sense.  It wasn't Greek to me anymore.  It only took me a day to make that little sweater.  The cables made perfect sense.  I was past that hurdle.

Oh it wasn't perfect, their were many skills that I didn't learn until years and decades later.  But it was functional. And it made her pretty blue eyes sparkle.

Over the next few decades I dabbled with all my "hobbies", crochet, quilting and knitting were my mainstays. I added cross stitch, wood working and painting as time went on.  I never really struggled with the others, but knitting remained the one that caused me fear and anxiety.  I understood the construction of the others, that is what made it easier.  Knitting was just darn intimidating. Basic hats, scarfs and sweaters were within my grasp.

Socks, mittens, color work, and complex cables.  Well... nope, I wasn't skilled enough.  I wasn't good enough. And two needles were my maximum.  The thought of using four needles just about sent me into fits of panic.

I was content, until I moved to the Mid-west.  The desire and passion for socks, made by me, and to use more colors only intensified when I learned to spin.  Another skill I had always coveted, but had never been brave enough learn.  I quick trip through the farmers market that fateful day, staring intently at Andrea's hands as she used her spinning wheel to make that beautiful yarn she was selling started a whole new path.

She coaxed me into trying a drop spindle, she was selling them and I am sure she wanted a sale, it was kind of slow at the market that sunny Saturday.  Evidently, another thing I needn't of feared.  I was a natural at it.  It was calming and I was able to get my tension right from the start.  Hubby wasn't letting me leave without it.  A short while later a spinning wheel joined my collection.  And I discovered a passion for the buttery softness of Alpaca.  Again no one told me until after the fact that it was an advance fiber and I shouldn't be able to spin it... so I did.

Two hand surgeries stopped me cold in my tracks.  I couldn't crochet, and I couldn't quilt, I only had use of my finger tips.  And I was BORED!.  After checking with my doctor, who assured me that knitting would be amazing therapy to get these old hands cooperating again, and another fateful trip through Wal-Mart, I was ready to tackle a pair of socks.  Armed with four metal needles now, and another ball of Red-Heart yarn (this time a self stripping worsted) I decided I could make socks (dorm socks to be exact).  I didn't know what I was doing, but Google, Knitty and a few other websites, and the fact that I had a lot of free time on my hands (3 different six week recoveries) led to many, many, many socks!  I am still passionate about socks and usually have a set going on a pair of needles.  I have taken them with me to work on while traveling to Europe and Brazil.  I am never without a pair of socks in progress.

Until two days ago, my attempts at color had been extremely limited.  A very basic attempt at a sweater for my son (which I now know wasn't done quite right) and using self-stripping yarn were the extent.  Those beautiful patterned mittens, hats and sweaters.  Fair Isle, argyle and the like all seemed impossible.  Wow, I sure can convince myself things are impossible...

My beautiful Evergreen Lake mitten is coming together so quickly.  Sure it's taking me a bit to learn the English style of knitting, holding a yarn in my right hand and "throwing" it over the needle.  I am a Continental knitter, I "pick" the thread from my left hand.  I am using both, so the process is slow.

My excitement really can't be contained right now.  Each row is more exciting than the last.  I am learning so many new techniques.  So many doors inside my "closed" mind seem to be flying open.  I am amazed.  I am already planning another set, using my own hand spun alpaca... I may need to move further north...

F.E.A.R. False, evidence, appearing, real.  Yep that sums up my journey.  My pessimistic side needs somewhere to show off I guess. Life cannot always be sunshine, roses and rainbows... but geez... I guess my self talk is pretty scary.

Next up... I ordered all the stuff to make my own bra's and I feel I will tackle a seriously difficult cable pattern in the very near future. I don't want F.E.A.R. to define me!

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Welcome 2015...

Well hello... it's been many years since I actually stayed up to welcome a new year usually I am fast asleep long before Father Time leaves making way for that fresh little infant the Baby New Year.  I decided to make an exception for you. I have very high hopes for you, and I decided I would welcome you with open arms, a gentle heart and plenty of good wishes.

Hello... we're excited to meet you...

2015, you and I have a lot to rejoice over together.  This is the year that I turn 50.  A full half century will have passed since I joined this silly group we call people. And I fully intend to celebrate this year and all it means.  What a cool milestone.  One that not everyone is guaranteed, now mind you that you are simply one of many, so don't go getting greedy on me.

Today has been a day of getting acquainted.  After that brief welcoming flirtation, I fully did not intend to deepen the relationship until much, much later in the morning today. And at 6:08 am when my phone chirped to life I am sure you were not at all flattered by the words that left my lips.  I do hope you won't hold a grudge.  I didn't.  My sweet little grand baby needed her Grandma's time.  That isn't asking too much.  After chatting with her and walking the boys, well frankly I gave up on going back to sleep.  Too many things to get accomplished today.  Our courtship needed to begin.

Four hours of sleep is simply not enough mom... we'll wait here...

Now I don't believe in New Years Resolutions.  Personally they feel like you are working hard to identify things that others have made you feel you were lacking in and that you should somehow change who you are. Who needs a list of things that you know need attention, but evidently aren't top priority or you would have already started them.  Not a fan of being set up for failure.

That being said, it never hurts to reflect, to take a serious look at yourself and see if you are happy with that person in the mirror.  And if not, to seriously ask yourself why or why not.  I tend to do this in September, that always felt like the start for me, the beginning, probably because the kids were heading back to school. But with the way last year ended up playing out, frankly I am behind the curve on accomplishing that little task.

Having spent the better part of the last two weeks at home, enjoying my kids, my grands, Hubby and the boys.  Focusing solely on what makes me and my heart happy, has led me down an interesting path.  I feel more balanced and focused than I have for a very long time.  I am feeling a lot of resolve and have been making decisions that for better are worse are what I need from life.

I won't make any resolutions, but I am making a pledge to myself.

2015 is the year to be better, it is going to be a time for me to focus more on putting life into perspective and focusing on what truly brings me joy.  I would say that is a good way to begin my 50th year.  Focusing on the people that bring me love and happiness be they family or friends.  Re-evaluating those people that don't. And figuring out if they truly belong in my life, and if not, being strong and brave enough to let them go.

I spend a lot of energy and time developing my professional skills, while pushing aside the ones that I hold dear to me personally.  I have wanted to try several new skills for years, and I always push it aside, there is never any time.  My limited energy resources have been sucked dry by life.  Hubby bought me some classes from Craftsy for Christmas.  And I am working on developing my skills, because it brings me joy. What is the point of having all the toys you have ever wanted if you never do anything with them?

Stranded colorwork with a turned hem... the start of something great!

The Hubs sure started 2015 out strong, I almost fainted when he came down the stairs fully clothed, including shoes and socks.  He was released from in home "restriction" yesterday.  The in-home therapist feels that he has healed enough that it is safe for him to begin the next phase of his rehab.  So while he is still unable to return to work, he cannot sit or walk for long at all, he is working really hard at recovery.  I am really proud of him.  He's resting now, probably wishing I would finish this and come to bed.

So 2015... I think we have a mutual understanding... at least I hope so.  As my little old pup just came down the stairs to point out to mom that I have not come to bed in a timely manner and my eyes are drifting shut... I plead with you, can we work together for a little more balance, a lot more love and a dash of fun adventure thrown in?  I'm game if you are...