celebrating together...

And the rockets red glare... Happy Independence Day everyone!  Maybe it's being a "brat" that makes this day so much more powerful for me or maybe it is because I am very proud to be an American.  At any rate, my patriotic blood runs strong.  And I have such great memories associated with this awesome day.  

I am well aware that our country is struggling right now, in a big way.  I pray daily for right to prevail, for everyone to have the freedoms that have long been fought for.  I come from a family line that has proudly served our country for generations.  They have stepped up to defend freedoms as far back as I can trace. 

Last night we sat outside at our oldest grand daughter's house watching her husband and two brother-in-laws set off fireworks.  It lasted for over an hour, not counting all the let's make noise ones that went off earlier in the evening. And you definitely can't count the "is it dark enough, because I can't wait" ones. Sweet Hubs' definitely had to get in on the bangs as well. 

this is where you insert all the ohhs and awes... 

It was a double celebration as grandson in law's birthday is July 4th.  It was such a great time.  Although we missed the family that wasn't there, Hubs' oldest was visiting her husbands family in Iowa.  And of course the boy and the dragon were far from home.  It was wonderful to hang with the girls.  It was a time full of laughter, love, hugs and genuine happiness. 

As we were leaving the oldest grands' place last night Hubs made the awesome discovery of a HUGE flag hanging a street over.  It was fantastic.  Their little community is definitely patriotic.  It warmed my heart watching families walking in the dark, enjoying fireworks from every angle, seeing so many flags and displays.  It was absolutely incredible. 

Pretty sure we are hanging at home today.  I feel tired, but also a strong need to not go anywhere.  We have quilts and machines to work on and a house to tidy from doing all of that.  

Besides that my anxiety is starting to grow. As I opened my eyes this morning, I realized that in a month exactly I will turn 56.  In a month exactly I will start the day with a new knee.  While I am sure before long I will admit that it is a great idea.  Right now, it feels bigger than I can deal with.  I've had minor surgeries, just like most people.  I have never had major surgery.  And despite the fact that I have great confidence in my doc, I'm afraid, I'm apprehensive, I'm overwhelmed by the thought. 

So I am choosing to stay home based. In my little bubble of calmness, where I have control of what goes on. 

If I chose to see more fireworks tonight, I definitely know where to look for them.  Heck, I think I just need to head toward St. Charles, drop the top on the convertible and see them from every direction.  But for now the extent of my day is planned at home.  

Hubs has all of the featherweight cases shut into one of the bathrooms with the ionizer.  They had strong smells.  Some were moldy, some smelled like a hay barn, some simply had the smell that comes with old items stored improperly for far too long.  Once they stop smelling, probably by tonight, they will either go back into use or they will wait their turn to be rehabbed.  

I am going to completely rehab mine, as it is definitely beyond salvation with the fabric - but is structurally great. The fabric was ordered today. Although I fear that project is going to be an after recovery project.  I can only squeeze so much into the next few weeks.  Especially considering we will be traveling for almost 10 days right in the middle. 

I hope each of you has a fantastic holiday, that you celebrate all the brave American's that have given their all to give you the right to have whatever beliefs you have and the voice to say them.  I hope you enjoy the times of fun, laughter, apple pie, and barbecue that are ubiquitous with this time of year and savor the memories of times past.  

I intend to, even if just quietly with Hubs.

presence...

with a "c"... that is how my daughter described the gifts of this holiday season. 

She's right! Yesterday found us all sitting in a loud mall food court, so the boy could have Sarku one more time before returning to the coast - which is barren of that particular delicacy. It was overly loud, we basically sat in extreme silence, because we couldn't hear each other anyhow. 

Just sitting together.  Me, snuggling the youngest dragon, as she was in that kind of mood.  Soft kisses on the head and on the finger that she cut while painting mommy's carpet and stealing a soda can from one of her older siblings.  Looking around the table at everyone munching, seems so mundane to the outsider, but for me it was pure heaven.

After wandering and returning a gift that wasn't going to be used, we headed to the gaming store.  Where the returned gift became a needed gift.  Double win on that one.

A dog walk later and we headed to St. Louis Union Station, we knew the aquarium did not have any tickets, but that was okay, it's the girl's new favorite hangout. We considered the Ferris Wheel, not too seriously - I'm terrified of heights and those lines!  None of us were game for that kind of madness with a toddler. We enjoyed the Fire and Lights display a couple of times and even found the opportunity for a snack at the Soda Fountain. That place smells overly sweet as soon as you walk in. 

We did decide on the Mirror Maze and Mini-Golf.  It was a blast.  I was a bit sad to see so many thing broken in the maze, when it had only recently opened.  It was crazy fun just the same. I will say that more than once someone, read the baby dragon, ran into the mirrors face first.  She finally got wise and held hands so that someone else hit the glass first. It's worth the few dollars it cost for the price of giggles.  It will be better when they fix the broken items.

Mini-Golf with a toddler.  Interesting.  It was a great evening, we had so much fun.  It was an almost warm night for most of the evening.  I managed to retain my worst golfer ever title!  I was pretty proud of that accomplishment, I simply cannot golf - even the mini version is simply not for me. It was full of giggles, bragging, one-up-manship, it brought out the competitive in sweet Hubs like no tomorrow.  We discovered you could play mini-golf and be the lowest scorer in a dress and heels, and that a mom can swing a mean golf club while carrying a toddler.  She can also use said toddler as a prop to get a two swing hole on a par 3.

As the attractions started closing and the crowds started to thin out we wrapped up our game and headed back to our cars. It was the holiday's of old for me.  Time, the most precious gift of all had been spent.

Walking back, I was asking my girl what color shoes I could replace her Christmas ones with, as she had already bought herself two of the ones I bought her.  That's when she told me I'd been giving her the best presents around, they were present's with a "c".  We've done tons of fun things, visited, talked, shared meals and just enjoyed each other. As the boy is getting ready to head home tomorrow I realized that is what we've been doing also.

The greatest gift of all!

This Christmas has completely been about presence.  And I feel unbelievably blessed because of it. So much time with everyone! 

looking for happiness...

There was a fabulous crispness to the air this morning!  A few random leaves have started to fall.  You can almost smell the end of summer.  Hubs and I walked the boys before the sun even came up.  It was clear, with a bright moon, and slightly cold.  Getting them home posed a serious challenge.  Both of them love the cooler weather and were more than happy to walk super slow to savor every moment.

Shortly after we managed to get them home, we headed to the park to walk.  He hadn't been there yet and I was excited to share the beauty of it with him.  He's in a bit of a funk and I was hoping all that beauty would energize him.  Maybe bring some joy back into his life.  I can't say the walk worked, he's still a bit down. But I sure did see him smile a few times, mostly at the pups being walked by their owners.

I understand what has him down, I completely get it!  I was there myself not too long ago.  I remember wanting to come home, fix an adult beverage and question what I was doing.  Wondering how long I was going to go before I simply lost my mind! I was close, I was teetering on a very sharp edge.  I understand.

I don't know how to fix it.  I don't know that I can.

I guess right now all I can do is encourage him to look for his silver lining, plan for peace and ways to burn stress and move forward.

I know the feelings he is battling are wearing him down and making him tired.  Like I said, not too long ago I was walking in those same shoes. I remember the need to sleep untold hours. Now, I find that I am excited about so many things that I need more sleep and I am bad about getting it.

It's amazing the change little things can do for you.  The smallest positive chance can cause a landslide of positive change.  It's sort of like a tiny snowball that starts rolling, before long it is huge and then it is an avalache in the right setting. I'm praying for that snowball for him.  For an avalanche of goodness.   He deserves it.

He is the kindest, most giving man.  I hate when he is sad and unhappy, I hate when life beats him up.

Although I love the sparkle that being with the grands puts in his eyes!  Grandson #2 has been hanging with us a lot the past few days.  As he and gramps decided to make a run for th custard shop this evening, I could see the love that comes so naturally for him. My heart soared. Feeding the pups the leftover custard, you see that sparkle again.

I can't wait to see it all the time.  I know its in there...

Until then I will just love that silly guy and do everything in my power to bring sunshine back full time.

finding moments...

Time sure does have a way of flying past lately.  Tomorrow is Mother's Day, a sweeties birthday and I have already missed sending cards to my Dad and Sister for their birthdays.  Safe to say the other two events won't have cards either.  As I am fairly sure that I am still living somewhere in early April.

I am feeling more and more like I can't catch a minute. Hubs and I are puttering around the house.  We probably need to be more intentional, but honestly, it's simply not going to happen.  We're both tired.

I've been battling either a cold or allergies since we got back from Trout.  Sleep has been all I've craved and sadly the thing I have found the least amount of time to get.

We're busy at work, major projects seem to be everywhere we look.  That equals long days that are mentally and physically exhausting.  Being under the weather on top of it, has meant that I am just worn out.  When I'm home, I find myself sitting quietly in my favorite chair longing for sleep.

I'm listening to purr of the mower, Hubs is outside working on the lawn, it's getting a bit crazy with this silly cycle of warm spring sun and drenching rains.  I just finished cleaning up the deck, it looked like a wreck with all the various types of blossoms and pollen that mother nature has been blowing around in her attempt to completely regain control of her planet.

The eldest grandson was by last night.  Hubs and I have been so blessed, between the two of us we have gotten to have quality one on one time with each of our three grand kids.  Full of love, laughter, conversations, hopes and dreams.  He was giving us landscaping advice and offering to come and help us fix up the yard so that he can build his portfolio.

Hard to believe they are all doing so amazingly well!  I am fairly certain a large part of that is my sweet daughter.  We are getting ready to mark the second anniversary of their Dad's passing.... so hard to believe.  I remember feeling so unsure, worried about all of them, wondering if they could survive it and make their guardian angel proud.  The one constant they have all had is my girl.  She's the strength in their lives whether they know it yet or not.

The eldest will graduate next week.  He's got a solid plan for the future and has turned into an amazing young man.  No longer a hot headed teen.  I couldn't be prouder.

The next one down is still excelling in school, he's working and in band.  Pretty darn impressive. I am so proud of him also.  He's great fun to have a nice one-on-one dinner with.  He's open and caring, he thinks deeply. Even while he is still being "sixteen"...

Then of course is our princess.  Hard to believe this year will see her go into the double digits.  Yet when you talk with her, seems she's always been there. She's bright, witty, outgoing, loving and caring.  Of all three she is the one that seems to have gotten the absolute best of both parents.  Hubs got to take her on a date this week.  I am not sure which one benefited more...

My girl is out of town this weekend, so I got my mother's day gift early.  We've been trying to decide what to do with Yuri's aquarium since he died.  Today between me and my girl it became a fairy herb garden.

I also got a few more plants started on the deck.  Who says you have to have a yard to have a garden?

Well, seems Hubs is wanting to trim shrubs, so I guess my resting moments are done...