my brother's keeper...

I've been sitting here in the silence for a few hours now.  Did my usual daily stuff and then decided to simply drink my water and play a silly game on my phone. Hubs had to head to work super early, he was helping some of his team with a project before his early morning meeting. A day in the life... right?   

I started to head up to my sewing studio when he left, goodness knows I have plenty of work to do myself.  Instead I took a bit of time, time to savor my cup of "coffee" (it's mushroom, but I still call it coffee) and be still.  I'd woken up and spent some time in prayer, and shortly after had felt this huge sense of foreboding or gloom. It felt heavy and dark.  To shake it off, I played with my pups for a moment and got cleaned up to start the day.  The mood is still lingering at the edges of my spirit, nagging at me. 

I'm sure a bit of it is melancholy, so many folks are sick or passing away it seems surreal.  Heck it is surreal.  A good friend of Hubs passed away about two weeks ago, one of the last messages he posted on Facebook was telling everyone how much he loved them, it was absolutely beautiful and keeps bouncing into my thoughts.

It feels like every day we are finding out that another friend or family member has a medical issue or battle they are fighting with their health.  And it isn't just health.  Folks are struggling hard with basic life.  I feel anger rolling off of folks and not for things that should matter.  For those little things, the minutia in life.  And it scares me to think that people are losing the basic skills for being human. 

Just be silent and watch.  Folks are full of rage, they are becoming more and more aggressive and lost.  Basically mean to one another simply for the sake of being mean.  I don't know if it is a reaction to feeling like you are completely unable to control anything or feeling overwhelmed by it all. It just feels like watching the world becoming 100% self-absorbed.  The causes and issues that matter to each person are literally the only causes and issues that matter.  

I cannot be the only person questioning where empathy and compassion have gone.  Just because you don't agree with someone, or you don't have the same issues affecting your life doesn't mean that you can't feel and understand another person's struggles or battles.  What in the world is going on?

From neighbor to neighbor on the minor scale, to global issues that are literally mind boggling.  Where is the compassion?  Where is the understanding, heck I'd settle for an attempt at understanding and trying to find the middle ground.

Trust me I am not perfect.  Not by a very long shot, as I was telling a lady yesterday most people like my Hubs far more than they like me.  I am not the easiest person to get to know and once you have I readily admit that I am not the greatest person to have as a friend.  I like being alone, I get wrapped up in my own world and life and forget that there are people waiting for responses from me or that I forget to check in on. It isn't that I don't care, it's that I am easily distracted and rarely remember to return to the place I was mentally and sometimes physically. 

Yet as my day was starting like a shotgun blast, I paused for a moment after putting eggs on to boil and  listened while Hubs updated me on yet another person having a medical emergency, someone important to him.  As I ran upstairs to ask him a question about his breakfast, I overheard him on the phone with another friend, asking that friend to please join him at the hospital later that day to pray over their friend, to offer healing and grace all before 615 in the morning.  I was so thankful for the Godly man I am married to, because his first thought wasn't about the impact to him personally, it was about how to intercede for another human. 

Such a switch from another scenario I know of.  Where another human is struggling with some major life and health changes, trying to work through those bits and pieces of their puzzle, trying to process and put things back in an order that works.  Instead of the grief they are dealing with from a self-centered jerk of a boss.  Instead of sticking out a hand of support, of human kindness and respect, that person evidently delights in kicking someone that is down and making things harder. Why do people have to be that way?  Does it make them feel powerful?  In my opinion it makes them small and petty.

It isn't even just about health issues.  People are being so unforgiving and refusing to show mercy or grace to anyone.  I don't know about you, but I don't know any perfect people.  I know a bunch of seriously flawed people all trying to live a good life and doing the best they know how.  I'm kind of tired of people being so wrapped up in their own issues that they feel it makes it okay to trample on others feelings and hearts.  I sure see of a lot of that anymore.  I'm tired of watching the "ouch you hurt my feelings and that is all that matters, now you get to pay for that for the rest of your life" show.  It's old and childish.

I'm weary of it. Very weary.  How about instead of thinking we are the center of the universe, we step outside ourselves.  Instead of shutting out people that we perceive to have slighted or harmed us, we talk to them.  It's amazing what we find out and heal when we are willing to admit that maybe we aren't always right.  Instead folks simply just mock, ridicule, belittle or take pot shots.  The art of talking it out, of seeing both sides of things and realizing that your point of view on life isn't wrong, it's different.  And that is really okay, we don't have to agree about everything, we don't have to see eye to eye.  We simply need to step into the world filled with love and compassion.  Acceptance.  We also do not need for force everyone to see things our way or not at all. Again acceptance.  I can love you and not agree with you.  It isn't mine to sort out. 

Our differences are not greater than our ability to love, our ability to lift one another up and meet each other where we need to be met.  

Can you imagine the power of humanity if we could simply love?  

I'm not seeing that sadly.  I'm seeing a battle of good vs. evil on a very spiritual level and frankly I feel like we are going through a very dark period.  Thankfully, I know that God and good win, I know in my heart that this is for a very short season in a very massive expanse of time. 

If you are a praying person, please pray it up for humanity.  If you have a different belief, then I ask however you honor that sentiment, will you please do so.  And then I ask you to look around, take a seriously deep breath and ask yourself how can I make a positive difference today?  It might be something as small as picking up a piece of litter on the ground, it might be inadvertently doing something kind that changes another persons entire will to live - without you ever knowing it.  

Yes we are our brother's keepers.  And as someone with 3 younger sisters, I know that there are many times we have not seen eye to eye, we have not and will not ever agree on everything, but I also know that all any of us needs to do is reach out to one another and we will circle the wagons and protect against all comers. Shouldn't we be willing to do that for everyone?  

Ironically, I'm feeling that darkness at the edges dim.  I guess I needed to write this blog, even though few read it, maybe it makes a difference somewhere, somehow.  

Pray up folks.  This battle that is raging is getting more intense daily. 

love and prayers... b

seasons...

I've just spent the last two hours preparing all of the flowers we foraged this morning to make jellies.  Red bud and dandelion are sitting on the counter steeping their goodness out. Our backs got tired so I will gather more dandelions later to make tinctures with.  Not only our backs, but my thumb is numb from pinching each of those buds to remove the green.   Pretty sure it will be days before I get rid of the slight green brown tint to my fingers and nails. 

Winter is just a restful time.  I can easily slip into creating and the non-backbreaking tasks of the year.  Springtime comes back with a vengeance. Hours were spent on Friday, rushing to beat the sunset, weeding, working in the flower beds, over seeding where the tree was, cutting back overgrowth. Only to be followed up with foraging early today.

I cherish this time of year. Although right now, I am touch envious of Hubs' nap and feel like I should have made the same decision.  I am a bit weary today.  Hours of manual work and little sleep sure do add up fast to a lack of energy.  I'm sure the sunshine on my face from the past few hours out on the deck have added to the desire to snuggle up and nap.  

As I was sitting out there and thinking I was processing so many things. My walk as a Christian for starters, things we've been taught our entire lives, watching the various "attacks" on Christians and the varying levels of truly following the Bible.  I've never been a big doctrine or religion person. I've always felt like it was mans attempt to rewrite God's will.  Adding their own spin on what is written. Sort of like a twisted version of telephone like we played as kids. Rarely did the message come through the same as it started. 

Shoot it was even happening in Jesus' time, check out the pharisees if you really want to see that there is nothing new under the sun. In this time it feels just as great as it has at many turning points in history.  I am well aware that man has had immense influence on the writing and books contained in the Bible, I am sadly aware that we may never know what has been held back from us or why.  If I had to guess... I'm gonna have to go with control.  

That being said, I will use discernment, research discrepancies and lean into those with far greater knowledge than my own. 

As the wind blew, the sun warmed my face and the clouds danced past above me, I found myself humbled that God is in control and that Jesus was the lamb that paid the price and gave us the gift of forgiveness. 

This week is going to be a busy one.  Getting caught up on chores, getting ready to celebrate my sweet Hubs.  Hard to believe he is going to be 72 years young in a week.  We are still trying to decide if we want to travel to see the eclipse or be satisfied with the 80% we are supposed to see here at home.  We keep toying with the idea.  The 2017 eclipse was incredible and watching it from our back yard was definitely a once in a lifetime joy.  

The more we think about it, the less inclined we are to travel for it.  Traffic could be terrible.  If you've never been stuck in traffic on I-55 suffice it to say wisdom tooth extraction would be less painful.  We're about 90 minutes outside of totality, that could translate into hours of traffic to watch a 3 to 4 minute spectacle. I don't know if any of you have noticed, but people are getting crazy lately.  Every trip, even to the grocery store is anxiety inducing. Add to that the added mystery of NASA sending up 3 rockets, CERN being started up on that day, and the "devil" comet making an appearance. I'm thinking folks could be just a touch edgy, what do you think?

We have started to honor the Sabbath, meaning sundown on Friday to sundown on Saturday has become a special time. We have listened to incredible lessons and spent intentional time studying. It's quieter and less stressful.  I am finding a sense of peace edging in that has long since felt missing.  It used to be that we were always rushing about on the weekend.  Struggling to feel we had rested at all.  We are shifting priorities, changing times, or simply eliminating things that no longer fit. 

This is a different path for us.  

I just noticed the time.  I guess I need to take my grubby fingers (dandelions sure can stain) and get with it.  I need to figure out how hungry Hubs is and what he would like for dinner.   

we needed it...

Anyone else love the smell of the air when it's rained?  Or for that matter anyone else thankful to wake up to smell of rain? It's been so dry here, I was starting to be wonder if I should even bother with a garden. The leaves dripping wet and the puddles everywhere, filled my spirit! I'm not going to say that I feel overly confident yet, but it was a wonderful way to wake up.  

That was until I looked at what had happened overnight.  I'm praying for all the lives lost and harmed in Baltimore.  I'd had a restless night and literally woke up a the same time they are saying the bridge was struck.  That made it all feel a bit more disconcerting as I read about it. 

This world of ours is definitely going through some kind of birthing pains.  It feels like everywhere you turn is more insanity, people are so wound up and aggressive. It feels like a powder keg. Sad. Probably why I have decided to step back and witness it from afar.  I am struggling to feel any desire to engage.  I don't want to look for the person holding the match.  I don't want to see anymore hatred. 

I was dumbstruck when I saw the video on X of the two young ladies fighting (well, if you can call what that was a fight) just outside of the Hazelwood school.  That is localish for me, same metro area, I'm well aware of where it is.  Seeing a young person having their head smashed into the ground until they began having seizures, I wasn't expecting it and definitely blocked the video after the first time.  I was sickened to see so many watching, recording and cheering it on.  To hear that they were 15 and 16 years old.  I almost threw up. That is younger than my precious mini-me grand, I can't fathom that kind of anger and hatred in ones so young. The damage done to our kids and our communities is outrageous. Two young people had their lives changed forever that day.  I'd hazard a guess that a lot of those witnesses did as well.  How can you go back to your everyday normal after witnessing something so evil?

Hubs called me to chat while driving this morning, it sounded so stressful.  People honking, his anger at almost being hit a few times.  Him relaying to me about the woman that almost struck a light post (I think that is what she almost hit) he was a bit rattled as he was witnessing it first hand.  She rapidly swerved back into traffic as she over corrected to avoid it.  I simply do not understand what kind of energy is overwhelming people. Whatever it is, it is 100% powerful. 

I don't find myself stressed too often anymore. I'm unbelievably thankful for that. It probably has more to do with the fact that I don't engage in the chaos surrounding me.  Whatever the reason, I am thankful.

I was supposed to help a friend with a few projects this morning, but one of her babies is sick.  So I found myself with a bit of extra time.  Needless to say, I am finding lots of things to fill that time.  I'm getting ready to bake Hubs a batch of cookies and then it's time to work on the needlework project I am trying to finish.  I never made it to the sewing room yesterday.  I picked it up, for a few moments - at least that is what I told myself, put on a few of the vlogs I wanted to listen to and before long... it was time for the Hubs to head home.  Unbelievable how quickly time can move forward.

Well cookies need baked (peanut butter), I'll make myself a quick lunch, then I want to work on my project.  I finished my daily tasks and Hubs has a working lunch, which means hours stretch before me.  

If you haven't already, please find a moment to pray for this world (in whatever manner you pray).  For the folks in Baltimore and for all of those that are struggling or hurting.  Life is too short to miss any opportunities to love one another in every way possible. 

love and prayers... b

 

becoming...

Good morning! As I edge back into writing, I am trying to find the "perfect time" to write.  The changes in who I have become, have led to many changes in the order of my day.  

Before I ever leave bed I find myself deeply engrossed in some Bible study or another, since Hubs starts working as soon as he wakes up (he cherishes his peaceful work hours also) I usually don't worry about coming downstairs until around 530 or so. Being an early riser for at least three decades, maybe longer, it gives me ample time to lose myself in something or another.  Today was a fairly deep study of the book of Revelations and the actual meanings found in some translations.  

Pretty intense stuff when you've given up coffee. Coffee wasn't given up for any religious or spiritual reason.  It was given up for my actual health.  The first week was a touch rough, talk about some serious headaches.  It's been almost two months now and even the smell of it (still one of my absolute favorite scents) doesn't beckon me to pour a cup. Three months ago, I couldn't have fathomed my life without coffee.  A pot or so was normal... strange how things change. 

I think I will have to dig back into this mornings study, it was seriously intense and my brain is still digesting the bits and pieces of it all.  In fact, I'm pretty sure it will involve taking the whole thing in small bites for all of it to make sense. 

I have definitely embraced the role of a traditional wife.  Which means that after my morning reading, spending time with Hubs while he has his coffee, visiting and planning out our day, it's time to start the day.  Apron on and breakfast cooking for Hubs and the Pups are pretty much the first steps.  

It flows so beautifully.  Belle will usually sit at my side, eagerly hoping for a morsel or two, depending on how hungry she is.  She has become such a patient  baby when she wants to be. Beau will hang out upstairs with dad while he gets ready for the day. 

waiting for our friends to call out

Unless one of the other dogs in the neighborhood decides to shout out a greeting, then its a mad dash for the backyard to return the call of their people. Sadly, they are both big mouths and I am fairly sure the only "call" the entire neighborhood hears is them.  I spend a lot of time in the morning calling them in.  I know they are just saying hello, but they seriously need to learn to whisper. 

As I move into my planned projects for the day, I usually end up forgetting other things, like blogging.  So who knows what the rhythm and flow will become.  

Today, I finished up the 5 batches of soaps that I made yesterday.  I'd gotten a bit behind on making soap. I made a couple of batches back in February for the first time in at least six months or so, I ran out of lye and simply kept forgetting to order more. Finally remembered and then life got busy with birthdays and the like.  Sometimes I wonder how I ever managed to accomplish anything back in the time before. 

The house smells like a heavenly mixture of all the scents, the laundry room (where the drying rack is) is a bit overwhelmed by it all.  Taking the pictures, I longed for the ability to translate scents through the camera.  Kentish rain, lilac, ylang ylang, eucalyptus and cotton, and a mixture called spellbound woods.  The combination would make a candle shop blush. 

Not all of them are pretty, I got distracted a few times yesterday and got to trace way too quickly.  Doesn't matter they will still clean.  I don't really sell my soaps any longer, a few here and there.  Mostly they are for personal use, to trade or to gift.  It just doesn't matter if they are beautiful and colorful.  Pretty much the only reason I added mica to them for coloration is to help me remember the scents.  

spellbound woods = hot mess

eucalyptus and cotton

ylang ylang

Lilac

Kentish Rain

As the wind is whipping and the rains are threatening, I am skipping time in the garden this morning.  Even if it is time to get the cool weather garden going.  I'm not a fan of strong winds, that deck is fairly high and my confidence is fairly low.  

Instead I will head up to the sewing studio.  I have several projects that need attention.  I am learning to make a leather wallet for Hubs, to replace one that I bought him about 20 years ago.  And I have several quilts that waiting for me to finish them.  A bit of time and attention is needed.  

She's got to be able to look out everywhere

Hubs won't be home mid-day for lunch so that means I will be able to focus without interruption.  I don't know about you, but I struggle with refocusing after I have stopped working on something for whatever reason.  I often just move on to a totally different project and forget where I was. 

much love and prayers everyone... b

hello old friends...

I've been on an incredible journey.  I stopped worrying about a lot of the stuff I thought was important and started to slow things down, move them in a different direction.  I was backing up my blog today, something I have wanted to do forever, and realized it's been over six months since I sat down to write. 

I don't think it's ever been that long since I've dumped my thoughts and ideas.  Since I've shared or rambled.  I've been busy.  Busy living, busy learning, exploring things that have popped up and enjoying my family and close friends.  Mostly, I have been very introverted as I have walked along this path of discovery. 

Since I've been quiet I've discovered that I really enjoy participating in small craft fairs, something that will never make me wealthy, but will keep my hands and heart busy. I've been creating and learning new skills.  Seems I move through seasons with crafting the same way that I move through seasons with everything else. 

Since August I have found myself fully engrossed in a lot of "slow" work.  Embroidery, crocheting, and applique have been the primary projects.  I have been working on finally wrapping up a few dozen projects, nope... not wrapping up, but moving them towards completion.  

There have been hours spent learning to use my new longarm and we are becoming best friends and I adore the time spent quilting. 

Somewhere along the way, I became engrossed in working on our family trees and was finally able to make a very treasured connection for my sweet Hubs.  Now I am a touch obsessed and find myself wanting to visit graveyards far more frequently than is probably normal.

I put my garden to bed sometime in November and here it is time to start planting the cool weather seeds before the heat of summer sneaks in.  The red buds have already bloomed and I need to take some time to go an gather blossoms this week.  So many folks love the red bud jelly that I need to make sure I have an ample stash. Where does time seem to dash off to?

Hubs and I were chatting about time moving quickly, reminiscing about my 50th birthday party and how proud he was to bring so many of my dearest friends and family together for it.  I stumbled for a moment to remember how old I will be this year.  Hardly seems like it, but I will be 59 this year.  Not even remotely sure how that happened.  Wasn't I just in my 30's?  Hmmmm.... guess not. 

I've been engrossed in my journey with the Lord. Everyday I learn more, I travel down a road that I have walked passed many times in my life, never managing to glance much less explore.  Each road brings me greater clarity and appreciation.  It also brings me some regret.  So much I wish I had learned so long ago.  I often wonder what choices I would have made differently in my life, what paths would I have turned away from.  Many choices would have been different.  The beauty is that grace and redemption are there.  God never expected us to be perfect, he figured out real quick that we never would be.  But like any loving parent, he provided us the guidance to always come home. 

We spent the day chasing his roots,
seems the town is now under the lake.

Hubs and I are on the journey together and each step feels stronger than the one before. I truly am blessed.  All of this has been such a gift, it has taken away the angst and anxiety daily life was bringing.  It has given me the ability to live in a strange peacefulness that I have always felt was missing. 

throw the flying disk dad...

After we take the pups to the park (krap when speaking of it in their presence), we will fix dinner and tidy up for another night. I will curl up with my Bible, a cup of hot chocolate and read the book of Esther, it is Purim and we are all here for such a time as this. I love the story and I am looking forward to the peace before I head up to bed. 

I'm still wrapped up in a million things, with another million more swimming around in my brain that I am longing to share and have conversations about.  I don't know what the future holds for my sweet little blog.  Some days I feel overwhelmingly drawn to write, and then my daily tasks step into place and the day is gone and so is the urge to write.  

I'm not really sure what drew me to write today.  I've started probably five or six blog posts that ended up in the delete draft pile. Something made me long to reconnect.  I finished up the six batches of soap that I made this morning and early afternoon and brought my computer back down to my desk.  My old Chromebook that I have written most of these entries on has finally breathed it's last, I do believe. So I borrowed my own laptop for the lye calculators I needed. I might steal Hubs' Chromebook, he rarely ever uses it, who knows.  Plugging it back in my heart was pulled here. 

There has been so much going on in the world.  I have had many family and friends suffering from what seems like continual tragedy and chaos.  I think that is what caused me to step back, I want to help everyone and I know that I simply can't.  Then I get stuck in this bubble of not being able to do anything because I feel helpless.  It's a vicious circle. 

Just checking in

Me too!

I feel that is why I had to step away from so much.  I needed to find my center. I feel like I've found it, I feel ready to be part of the world again.  

never mind, it's nap time

Hopefully, I will be back.  Not sure how frequently, but hopefully it won't be six months. 

much love and many prayers... b