feeling cherished...

The sun is high in the sky this morning, it's bright and cheery.  I'm loving sitting here and watching it glisten on the snow.  I'm not sure it will be warm enough to melt much of the snow, but we do have a series of warm days coming up, so I'm going to enjoy the beauty while I can. 

I'm going to brag on my sweet Hubs for a moment.  Just when I start feeling like I am invisible or taking the brunt of his bad mood caused by giving up tobacco (or trying to), steroids for his shoulder (possible rotator cuff tear) and the usual life challenges of work and the chaos of our world right now, he goes and surprises me in his usual style. 

Right now he and a buddy are downstairs at my longarm installing brighter lighting for me.  I didn't think I needed it, I'm cheap and was okay with making due.  I can tell you I am over the moon excited at the prospect of clear, bright light. It's been on the to do list for a good long while.  I knew it was scheduled, but the fact that he is clearing out his Saturday morning - which could have been spent lounging in front of the television to make things easier for me, well that is pretty darn spectacular in and of itself. 

Yet, that isn't even the sweetest thing he did today.  In fact, I am fairly blown away by my valentines present.  I told him I didn't want anything, I personally love him every day and I don't need a commercial marketing bonanza to be reminded of it or to celebrate it.  Yep, I am that worn out with the commercialism. Whatever happened to sweet handmade valentines with a lollipop or chocolate taped to them??  Anyhow, Hubs is definitely a gifter, and when he asked me the other day if I minded him spending a certain amount on me, I said no problem, but I really don't need anything.  Since I no longer eat sugars our traditional gift is a definite no go.

Anyhow, Hubs also struggles with keeping secrets.  He was downstairs swearing at the computer, technology can be very frustrating, he needed a code which of course got sent to me.  I yelled it down to him and told him to let me know if he needed anything else.  About that time he realized that I would get the confirmation of the expense and I think he was worried the confirmation would give it away, because a few short moments later he asked me to come downstairs and see my gift. 

He was so worried that it wasn't romantic, it wasn't at all traditional, it wasn't even a normal gift for most people. For me, it was perfect!  The email he sent to her made it even more perfect!  Remember when I wrote that I did regret never getting around to learning to make cheese?  Well... He enrolled me in a cheese making class.  I am so damn excited I can't believe it!  And he told her that we would be taking the in-person course together when she returns from Pennsylvania later this year. Ironically, it is with the same woman that I had wanted to take classes with years ago, but never made the time.  I also never told him who it was that I wanted to take the class with.  

I can't wait! I don't believe I have ever been quiet about my love of learning to be self-sufficient, of learning the old ways and cherishing those skills.  Gotta admit, he totally out did himself with this one.  And he was pretty confident, because he told me that if I didn't love it, he would do dishes for the rest of his life.  I'd say that he was 100% sure of the outcome.  

The gift of knowledge and new skills.  This is a man that totally hears and understands me, even when it appears he doesn't.  I know that the past has left scars that sometimes get reflected back on to him. Moments when insecurity and fear sneak into the corners of my mind and my heart. It took time and research to find that class for me.  She is local, I will ultimately be able to gather around the table and make my own cheeses! And he did it because of a single rambling line in a blog, something important to me, but to no one else. 

Hubs' boss has been trying to gather us together at his house to learn to make wines also, he found us an entire kit to make the wines - they are taking up space in my store room.  I've been dragging my feet and feeling that I didn't want to.  Now... I mean, I already make my own crackers, I'll be learning to make my own cheeses... isn't the next logical step making my own wines?  Geez, next year my Christmas presents might be homemade charcuterie boards.   Yep, I am completely feeling excited, it also didn't take long for my mind to leap onto the fact that I also own a Cricut and wood burning tools... I need to completely STOP!

I cherish that my sweet Hubs understands the insanity that is me.  The deep drive to create, to learn and to experience life on such an intimate level.  I don't seem to take the easy path, I tend to thrive on the path of personal experiences. He gets it.  He understands me.  He feeds my crazy!  

Yep, I am blessed!

Time to dive into the chaos of the day... love and peace... and may you find the blessings surrounding you!

unique and wonderful...

Off to a very slow start this morning.  We had an impromptu dinner with friends last night at our house.  I am not usually up being friendly at 10:30 pm, so this morning I am feeling the effects of too little sleep and a new brand of margaritas. 

I also do not usually host dinners.  Never really had the time before, it used to fill me with immense anxiety and stress.  Yesterday, it filled my heart with joy when Hubs asked if I minded his inviting friends over for dinner and without a moments hesitation I could say of course.  It wasn't a fancy dinner plain old chili mac and peach cobbler.  Yet it was an incredible feeling to gather around a dinner table and simply talk. 

I am starting to feel that it is the fact that we are all simply too busy to just talk that is causing so much of the discord and fracturing that we see in society today. In my previous reality we worked to force "living room conversations".  It always bothered me a bit.  Not because I am afraid of controversial conversations or even being the only one in the room with a differing point of view.  I mean, if you ever have a true conversation with me you will find out that I explore tons of different ideas, I dig to find meaning and answers.  I cherish the time to truly understand someone. And lets be real, I start each day with energy work and reading my cards.  I definitely do not fit in many folks ideal of the norm. 

What bothered me about them was the "forced" factor.  It was an intentional gathering of people to have conversations. As if in your living room with a group of friends the way it used to be. 

There were moments last night that I felt a bit anxious, thank you society, moments when Hubs' passionate feelings slammed right up against one of our guests equally passionate feelings.  And yet, as we poured more margaritas and continued to talk, I felt that both came away with a slight understanding, if not respect for the other's point of view.  It was intense for a bit. 

Yet sitting there glass in hand and observing I was far more engrossed in the strong feeling that it was exactly what needs to happen on a global scale. There were four very strong and different perspectives sitting around our table.  Yet we were talking, agreeing to disagree, sometimes finding common ground, laughing and having a great time.  

No one walked away feeling beaten up or even unheard.  We shared a simple, yet nurturing meal, both for our tummies and our minds.  

It tickled my brain a bit, I remembered way back to the past, when my ex would often invite strangers to our home.  My dad used to do it too. I remember vaguely being angry and stressed because at the last minute I would need to scramble to put together a meal, worried it was not going to be good enough.  I remembered having those kinds of conversations around the dinner tables. Heck, even Hubs and I used to have a standing Friday night dinner at the neighbors place so long ago.  

Simplicity.  Come as you are, shoes and/or make up optional.  Dinner, imperfectly perfect.

How many are still gathering around the table at night?  Or having a Sunday dinner where everyone is gathering at Gramma's or Mom's and eating a home cooked meal and sharing their thoughts and ideas in a safe space.  Knowing that there could be some arguments or disagreements.  That someone would say something that would cause hurt feelings, but also knowing that at the end of the day they were still safe and loved? How many of us have felt like we were the black sheep one moment only to be wrapped in unwavering love the next?

This week has been filled with these moments and I was almost too wrapped in the minutia of my own thoughts that I almost missed it. 

The past weekend was spent blending our family.  Creating our clan in a stronger more dynamic way.  My sweet girl is a convener.  I don't even know that she realizes it, that her role in this lifetime is to bring people together.  Her part of our clan is filled with joy, compassion, drama, differences and most importantly love! She pulls people together.  She acquires children and adults that are lost or drifting and gives them space to find their wings.  Some fly off, never to be seen or heard from again, others attach themselves to the family unit and never drift far from the proverbial nest.  

As we all came together, floating from one spot to the next, I fell deeper in love with our clan.  I didn't realize it at the moment (some of that was from trying to keep my teeth from chattering) but I was thriving in the diversity that makes us whole and unique.  

Each of us was fighting battles within ourselves, we were all in different spaces in our journey's.  But sitting around various campfires, talking about a million different things, no one condemning anyone for any actions, beliefs or thoughts. Simply surrounded in acceptance and love.  

If I had a magic wand, the ability to grant the world anything at all, it would be the ability to slow down, to reconnect, to talk, to listen, to spread unconditional love. The ability to realize that we are all connected, the bloodlines aren't as diverse as some would have us believe.  And that we are all connected by heart. 

It's crazy the things that a simple dinner with friends can make you stop and think about.  I am sad for all of the opportunities that I missed running as fast as I could in a rat race that I shouldn't have been part of. 

I am thankful for life bringing Hub's oldest daughter and her wonderful family into our daily lives.  I am thankful for time with family and friends. I am thankful for the bubble I was in bursting wide open to expose me to the joy of this life I now have.  I am thankful that my heart is opening to a greater experience and to not only feeling accepted, but to accepting all. 

For too long I was in a bubble of fear.  I think too many of us are currently there.  

Each of us is a beautiful, pristine, perfectly made piece of the puzzle of life.  Each of our thoughts, feelings, ideas are meant to fit together to create a greater awareness.  Right now, it feels like we are too wrapped up in things we are being pushed to think and feel.  When we meet each other are we reacting to the outer package and constructs that we are being fed?  Or looking into their eyes and smile and finding people full of the same thoughts and feelings as our own.  

Are others as fearful of not being welcomed and accepted as we are? 

I think so.  We are all here to learn to love and give love unconditionally in my opinion.  To learn to listen and explore. 

I am excited for more of these opportunities. I am eager to experience the growth that comes from connecting on a deeper level.  Having tough conversations and coming out on the other side a stronger human with a broader perspective on life and living. 

Each of us is a million things, we are all small particles of our journeys, joys and trials.  Each of us has the ability to help the other heal, to hear and be heard.  There is no ideal.  And none of us are getting out of this classroom in these human forms.  At least that is what I believe. 

Hard to believe all these thoughts flowed out of a dinner of chili mac....