silence...

It's quiet. 

Almost too quiet.  Coming from someone that loves the stillness of silence, that is saying something.  I can hear the hum of electricity to the various devices.  An occasional snort or snore from Neeko.  And the clicking of the keyboard.  That's all.

No sounds outside on this dreary, overcast morning.  No shouts, no dogs barking, nothing.

I guess it matches how I feel right now.  It feels empty. It feels hollow and quiet.

Soon the world will spring to life, people will wake up, activities will happen, stuff will begin. But in this small moment in time, it just feels... quiet.  The boy and his girl have returned to the coast, I was going to say sunny coast, but I am fairly sure it is raining there also.  And our girl is wrapped up in being the perfect hostess to other parts of her family.  Hubs and Neeko are sleeping. 

For two weeks I have been blessed to have my youngest home.  It is a rare thing and I cherish each moment.  He came prepared to learn new things, to spend time with me doing things I enjoy.  When he headed out, he left me his first two crochet projects.  One is hanging on the tree, the other is sitting beside me.  My Yoda's went with him, so did a large part of my heart.

I am so proud of all that he is doing in life.  He has grown into a man while I was still looking for my baby boy.  Long gone is the tow headed toddler, with chubby cheeks and sparkling eyes reaching for my hand for security. He's gone on to much greater things, he has an awesome career. He's now one of the first members of Space Force, he leads people, he is part of the future. 

I am so proud of him. 

Yet, I am so sad that he has gone back home.  I was lost last night.  I didn't know what to do with myself.  I had gotten into such a rhythm of sitting down at the table each night and helping them learn a new skill.  From about 10p to midnight we worked on the crochet projects each evening.  As they quit hating the magic loop and embraced it.  While my coastal kids flew west, I sat and worked on a pattern for them. He'd found a Yoda cup coozie, simple pattern.  The creator wanted $18 for the pattern or $8 to purchase a pre-made one. I told him, I would create a pattern for them while they flew west.  I completed it, just before they landed. I still need to type up my notes, but they will be able to create it.

I'm unbelievably proud of my girl too.  I hate that she lives so close, yet life keeps us from doing more together.  I am going to work on that in the coming year.  When I left yesterday she was playing hostess to the entire paternal side of her youngest daughter's family.  The baby is only 2, she probably won't even remember what mom is dealing with for her happiness, yet she is doing it anyway. Because she is that kind and loving person.

Hubs and I are left dealing with the silence.  It's hard the first few days.  Soon we will fall back into our routines.  Although we are busy making plans for the coming year (s), setting goals and benchmarks that we want to meet in our personal life.  We're both good at following the goals assigned to make someone else successful, we are not always good at doing things that fill our personal buckets, that help us reach our personal goals. 

I won't speak for Hubs, but I am working on a clear path.  I am a visual person.  Yet, I often fail to focus on things that are important to me.  Having observed our children closely over the past few weeks.  I feel I have things to learn from them. They are both planners, I am too.  But they both write those plans down.  They both develop SMART goals to achieve them.  I develop SMART goals all the time, but they are for work related projects.  I feel like this last shift in the universe has seriously shifted my thought processes. 

Walking Neeko this morning, I normally would scroll through my phone, I didn't.  I was working on my dream book/planner that I got for Christmas from Hubs before I left working through the questions that help you develop your plans and goals. So instead of mindless surfing, I focused on being intentional while walking him.  On thinking and observing.  I took time to chat with the pup.  I doubt he understood the words, I know he understood the love and compassion.

This year of loss has been tough.  First our Snug, then my Gator... Neeko is our last remaining fur baby.  And we are always aware that he is now 15, the years are definitely catching up to him. Hubs and I are very aware that our time left with him is very limited.  We are cherishing it.  And at the same time bracing ourselves, while praying feverishly that the bridge is still a long time away.

As I sat in the silence this morning, thinking, processing, planning.  I felt a peace that I have been missing.  Maybe it is the very act of planning life out.  I love paths, plans, journey's that are thought out, all too often I fly by the seat of my pants because life has gotten too crazy and moving too fast.

I need the slowness of the past few weeks.  I need time to process and to feel, to savor the moments. 

Changes have slowly been occurring, plans have been being laid, I've been executing them in baby steps.  But just like that baby takes staggering steps and falls down a lot as they are growing, they also become that toddler.  They still fall, but they always get back up and they move faster and faster each time.  Those halting, uneven steps become a lopsided gallop, I feel I am at that gallop point.  I'm not ready to run, but I am definitely ready to gallop and skip...

I need to bring my personal life into focus.  It has to stop being the fuzzy outlines, out of focus and hovering.  It's time.  Sitting in the silence, as the world slowly awakens, I feel like I am awakening too, in a new and exciting space.

Guess it's time to buckle up for the journey ahead...

the moments...

Right now, in this silent moment, my world feels pretty incredible. Everyone is resting, waiting for our pizza to arrive. I am sitting here just being still!

Our son and his lady came home for Christmas, when you wait so long between visits, it's painful.  I spent Thursday night a week ago with our girl and her crew and several plus ones.  Listening to my eldest grand daughter sing.

I had an amazing time with the team I lead, so proud of those amazing people. Then my peer team.  Such a great group of ladies, lead by an awesome guy - sure we can be his Diva's, he supports us, we want to make that support valuable.  It's a win win.

Even with the hurry and scurry of life, it's been good.  Very good!

As we are coming to the end of the year, with Christmas around the corner, I am weary, but it's a good weary. I don't know what it is about my boy coming home.  Maybe it's because it is such a rare thing, that I find joy in simply stopping everything and just being.  I am enjoying all the moments.  I worry less about the have to's and savor each want to.

I am giving myself permission to move at a slower more comfortable pace. In a year that has been marked by loss of fur babies and far too little rest.  This gift of time has been most amazing.

In the days that the boy has been home, we've chatted, shopped, gone out in the snow, worked on crochet projects (because that was his gift to me - teaching him how!), cooking meals for the family and there have been hours filled with simply being.  The kids, the oldest grand and myself went and created our painting masterpieces, Hubs managed to "gift" his seat to the oldest grand.  I had been hoping he would go, but... It's okay, I don't think he would have done well with them telling him what to do.  But I would have loved having him participate just the same.   As it was the grand and her mom had their patience tested by the instructor telling them what to do and when to do it. Hubs has a bit less patience than they do, so it was probably a good thing. 

Am I living in a utopia, nope.  Would I want to? Nope.

Outside there is a world filled with worries, grief and anger. I have been praying for babies sick and fighting for their lives in hospitals here in the city.  Offering prayers to comfort their families as they spend their days in hospitals, instead of decorating for the holiday they are excited to celebrate. 

If I turned on the news or actually read a news feed, I am sure that my world would be darker and less fulfilling.  I am choosing not to.  Yes, I've heard it all.  I am making a choice to ignore it all.  Not because it isn't important nor because I don't care.  It's because I have come to learn that my impact is in searching for truth and honoring those truths with my words, actions and how I spend my dollars. Not by losing sleep or being stressed because of news, social media or things that are made to make me feel some way.

I chose to watch silently from the sidelines, gathering facts and reserving my thoughts for a time when they matter. It's amazing what you see while sitting on the sidelines, enjoying your life, spending quality time with your family and doing what is truly important.

My sweet boy is a planner, he likes his life nice and orderly. I think I also thrive in that environment.  Each day we know what we are eating, what activity is happening, etc.  There is no further thought needed as we move through the structure and enjoy each other's company. 

I have needed this.  It shouldn't take a visit to slow down to a normal human pace.  It simply should not. Yet, I am thankful for the break.

We've connected with family, tried new foods (for all of us), spent time laughing and celebrating.  I am feeling refreshed. 

Christmas is days away, we've started the second week of visiting.  My heart is starting to feel the inevitable hurt that will happen.  My baby will return home, the magical moments will end.  But the memories will keep me smiling.

Time to get back to enjoying this time... 

just being...

Is there anything better than an unbusy, busy autumn weekend?  Yesterday was a great day.  Full of adventures, fun, relaxation and a bit of busy. Today promises more of the same.

The sun is still snoozing, it's off in the East tucked into bed.  The air all around us is crisp and refreshing and the colors of autumn are just starting to pop. I love this time of year! I have more energy and the desire to just "be" is so strong. 

It brings on a sense of nesting.  I don't really decorate for most holidays anymore - Christmas being the exception.  I don't feel a need to put out Halloween goodies, I much prefer getting out the blankets to cuddle in, maybe a few more candles or a more earthy incense.  Things that make you feel that fall comfort factor that I love so much. 

Before we headed out the the Farmer's Market, Psychic Fair and craft show yesterday I took an hour to make a batch of soap.  It wasn't one that required measuring or anything else.  Just a melt and pour kit that I had purchased some time ago.  It smells heavenly!  Whoever thought of that scent in conjunction with cashmere was pure genius! It's got flecks of pumpkin colored mica sprinkled throughout and smells soft and inviting.  Hubs asked if it was a guy soap or a girl soap... hmmm wasn't really sure how to answer that one.  Guess I better get the beer soap made soon?  Or maybe more of the tobacco scent... although I don't feel that any soap is particularly male or female. Maybe the one I am using right now, that is scented with Lily of the Valley would be a bit more feminine with it's gentle floral over tones.  But the smell doesn't last and the creamy healthy lather is what is important. 

Soon this day will get busy, I'm not sure what I am making us for breakfast, but I did go to the Farmer's Market and pick up my bread yesterday... toast and coffee sounds perfect!  With sliced up juicy pears and crisp apples.  I might have spent a good deal of time yesterday selecting just the right ones. 

After a nice breakfast, I will probably whip up another batch of soap before we head out today. I wasn't joking when I said I was getting quite low.  Not all of the ones on my to make list are melt and pour, and none of the current list is hot processed.  Which means that they will need six weeks to cure.  We are just barely two months from Christmas and Hubs and I often gift handmade soaps.  I figure if I can pull off a batch or two each weekend, I should be stocked up again pretty soon.

The river road is calling, and we must go today.  It's going to be mild, perfect motorcycle weather after lunch.  Although I am afraid that it is still too early for the beautiful fall colors, we are definitely going to go in search of them.  It's such a beautiful ride, we will buzz around Brussels and probably go up through Pere Marquette Park.  If our friends decide to meet us, we will definitely stop at our favorite little winery.  Share a bottle and some snacks and enjoy the view and the company.  That part of the day remains to be seen. 

What is definite is that we will start with a visit to VegFest.  I am really looking forward to it. I love events like that.  They seem very quintessentially autumn to me.  

Just like yesterday at the Farmers Market.  

The scents, the sounds, the vibrant colors and the conversations.  I had a most delightful time speaking to all of the vendors that I purchased from.  I might be a sucker, but I prefer the small mom & pop places.  I bought my tomatoes, cucumbers and zucchini from this sweet older couple.  Bundled up against the chill, not really hassling anyone to come to their little tucked away stand.  She was working hard, he was catching a quick nap.  I felt drawn to spend my dollars on them.

Hubs always stocks up on genuine Cuban black bean soup.  The couple make it, she is from Cuba, and sell it at the farmers markets.  Usually he and the owner share a cup of hot Cuban coffee and while he chats and sips, I walk over to the bread booth.  I had a great conversation with him and now know where I will buy my breads after the market season ends.  

Wandering on, Hubs made friends first with the dog, then with the owners and their daughter.  He sat and visited, making fast friends as he always does. That is out of my comfort zone, so I was chatting with the delightful couple that have an organic farm just a bit down the road from our house, buying a wide sampling of beautiful vibrant colored radishes and peppers.  The husband makes the most beautiful carved prints and the wife wrote a book that I decided I had to have.  Their life journey and how they have chosen to raise their family would have been an ideal dream for me a lifetime ago.  It was a pure joy to support them. 

I'd bought a black bean and sweet potato tamale that was cooling in my baskets beside Hub while he chatted and I shopped.  The pup had gone off with mom, but dad and his little princess were happily eating their meat tamales and discussing a variety of things with Hubs as I returned, somehow Hubs had steered the conversation to eating meatless and I ended up sharing my tamale with the group.  

I feel so many things that make life memorable and real revolve around a shared meal or food.  His sweet little girl was too afraid to try the tamale when presented by Hubs and I, but munched it right down when Dad gave it to her.  

I enjoyed every moment of experiences at the market yesterday, I mean I could have lived without "the market master's" rudeness to Hubs, but we've known him for almost 20 years, it is simply who he is.  The sad part was when he came over to speak to Hubs later to apologize, his excuse for rudeness - he hadn't realized it was Hubs when he spoke.  Reality... no one should be ugly to anyone, and you should speak as kindly to a stranger as to a friend.  Like I said, it is simply who he is as a person.  

I believe we should live our lives and treat people gently.  Not everyone does.  Loud, hateful, rude or just plain mean does not make you important, it simply makes you sad. 

We also try to always support the craft show at the Y Hubs is based out of.  We've been going for over 10 years, in fact I even had a booth one year.  I was a bit sad at what it has become after visiting it yesterday.  So few true craft people.  In fact, it was mostly things like Tupperware, Pampered Chef, LulaRoe, and cheesy bulk purchased items for sale.  Not my idea of a craft show at all.  And it was so much smaller than it used to be in it's heyday.  I guess all things run their course. 

There were a few true crafters present.  

I bought a gift for Christmas for my mom from the sweetest little elderly woman.  It is definitely NOT a manufactured item, she was sitting there as sweet as can be in her Sunday best working on items to put at her table.  We talked for a bit about the meaning of the item I was purchasing and how excited I was by the craft she had made with her own two hands.  I asked the younger woman if they accepted debit cards, because I rarely have cash (luckily Hubs had cash).  She sweetly told me no, they only took cash or checks, it wasn't a business, simply something they did for fun.  I took my package and thanked them, her bright smile made my day, her words even more so as she told me that I had just made her day! I don't know if she sold a lot of items.  Like I said, they were definitely made with love and her own two hands.  They reminded me so much of things my great grandmother made.  Not perfect in a technical sense, absolutely perfect in the care and love that went into them. 

Hubs got a wreath for my work door, another unique and handmade item.  It made me laugh, "the witch is in". Absolutely.  Anyone that knows me knows how absolutely accurate that is.  

And finally, a big bag of piping hot kettle corn, fresh from the kettle.  The sweet couple selling it were not a "resaler" of other items, they were running their own business. They appeared to be old enough to be retired, she was in a wheelchair and he was slaving over the hot kettle.  As we waited I listened to her chatting with another woman wearing a sweatshirt from the same school her grandson attends wanting to know if they'd won their football game. 

I find pure joy in things like that.  In supporting people that are giving it their all.  I chose to shop where my dollars do the most good, I eat at local restaurants, I support the small places, not a fan of chains. Because it does make a difference. 

Last night after a great event at my Y, enjoying the laughter and smiles, the splashes and mummies, Hubs and I stopped at our favorite sushi spot.  I was simply too tired to go home and cook, and playing earlier meant I hadn't prepared for being hungry later.  

I noticed the prices had gone up.  Not a lot, about fifty cents a roll.  I wonder how many folks thought about that being the outcome when they voted to raise the minimum wage so much, so fast.  I will still go there, because every time I walk in, I am greeted by the owner, he is truly appreciative that we are there.  They are attentive and want the experience to be wonderful.  Because we matter to their business.  They all thank us for coming as we leave and always wish us a good night.  

It is worth it. 

Today will be another day filled with adventures.  It will have a nice balance of home and self-sustaining activities.  Will everything get done, nope.  But I won't beat myself up about it either.  Because I am definitely coming to learn that life is not a race.  It's about learning, growing, creating, being.

Yep, for me, life is about being.  And what a beautiful time it is to simply be...

welcome autumn...

Alarm off, perfect sleeping weather, silent house... and of course I wake up 15 minutes before my alarm would have gone off, wide awake! How does that happen?  All week I struggle to wake up when it goes off, and when I can finally sleep, wide awake!  Ughh...

Maybe I just knew there was soon going to be a beautiful fire in the fireplace, a hot coffee liberally spiked with Buffalo Trace Bourbon Cream (that sweet hubs managed to find - it's a tough one).  The fall weather I have been craving has arrived with a vengeance, it's a whopping 34 degrees out there this morning.  Perfect for these warm flannel jammies, a fire and coffee... 

Sweet Hubs was supposed to be going fishing today, he definitely decided a trip to Potosi and sitting in a boat on a rural lake, definitely not warm enough for him.  The crappie are thankful.  So am I.  While I don't begrudge him a morning with his buddy, I am thankful to have most of this weekend back to spend with him.  I definitely feel like we do not get enough time. 

Now, to decide how to mix up the day... there are so many wonderful things going on this weekend.  I had planned on catching up on my cooking class, and I will probably do that here shortly after the coffee kicks in and I wake up fully.  I have been a cooking fool lately.  Not sure why it took so long to learn that vegan food was so freaking delicious.  The health factor is just an added bonus.  The fact that no sweet animals had to die for my dinner... well even bigger bonus round! There are still a few of the yummy donuts left for this mornings breakfast so I feel I will definitely kick back and be a bit lazy. 

On the cooking front it has been an awesome week.  I might have a few new favorites, this non-chili loving mama finally has a chili recipe that I cannot wait to serve.  And Curry... OMG!  I love curry, didn't realize that I would, but I started becoming addicted a few months back at my favorite Asian restaurant. Now that I have learned to make a vegan yellow curry... well that love affair is off the chain!  The warmth and gentle blending of the flavors is so wonderful.  I do have to admit that at 6 am on Wednesday, I was was the grocery to pick up more coconut milk... I'd made it the night before, we had both fallen in love with it, and there wasn't enough for both of us to have it again for lunch.  

Being a problem solver... I simply made another large pot.  Note I am beyond thankful to my sister in law for spotting those incredible cast iron Dutch ovens in Pigeon Forge... best purchase ever! I'm even over it for being mad at the beautiful lavender color that it is... I was so in love with the yellow, but it was out of stock. Now instead of being mismatched in my warm country kitchen it is an ever present "accent piece" on my stove.  Usually simmering something delicious. 

It will be far too chilly for us to go out and enjoy the fall colors on the bike today - we definitely considered it, and Veg Fest is not until tomorrow.  Anyone local going?  I am excited to get to stop by and enjoy it before we head up the river road to enjoy the lovely fall weekend.  So today will probably involve a trip to the Farmer's Market, they are rapidly waning as the weather cools.  I need some bread and a few fall veg.  Tower Grove has become my favorite, and despite the fact that Hubs thinks its the Bloody Mary's... that isn't the only reason, but it definitely doesn't hurt. There is also the physic fair at Mystic Valley and the craft show at the South County Y. So many fun things to do this weekend, but for now it's just time for sitting.  

I also want to make a few soaps, my stash is getting thin - Hubs has been loving on friends lately.  I have a few recipes and new essentials that I am dying to try out.  Right now that simply seems like so much to do. 

I bought some fabulous blue, black and natural stripped linen to make some dishtowels with.  I love using a nice linen dishtowel and the pattern is so simple.  I figure an hour work will yield six beautiful, super absorbent new towels. If they turn out as nice as I hope, I may have to purchase a bit more and clean out the towel drawer.  Some of those have been living there for over a decade or maybe two.   

It's been a brutal week, budgets and presentations take it out of me. My insomnia of Wednesday night has still not been recovered from.  I was so concerned about presenting that I literally could not sleep and flat out gave up at 3 am.  I don't know why it stresses me so badly, but it does. I spent all day Thursday in a state of high stress.  Reality check, they are simply people, and in 5 years it isn't going to matter at all.  But I felt like my entire world depended on it.  Ugghhh...  Add to that a fitness center redo... and this Y gal is worn. 

Tonight is the Pumpkin swim, it will be a fun event.  It is literally the only "work" I intend to do this weekend. The rest of it will simply be for me to reset and refocus.  Between sickness and budget I am feeling very unbalanced.  

A beautiful sunrise is peeking through the trees, it's beckoning me to enjoy and play... I do hope each of you finds the joy and love in this weekend... Find the time to fill your bucket and enjoy your lives... each one is precious!

Crackling embers, hot coffee and a beautiful sunrise...  bring it on!

joy..

Blessings abound!  

I woke up this morning for the first time in over a week able to breathe, it feels fantastic.  A lingering headache and slight sniffles are all that seem to remain. I'm thankful.  Definitely ready to be over this mess!

Right now my house is filled with the warm scents of autumn.  Pumpkin, spices, whipped maple and the warmth of chocolate. Feeling better this morning led to my deciding to make Pumpkin Spiced Chocolate Chip Donuts.  The recipe is in "The Vegan 8" cookbook, by Brandi Doming.  I giggle when I read the title, it evidently refers to the recipes containing 8 simple ingredients. Yet, every time I make a recipe from it, it reads the vegan ate... they are all amazing!  This woman is a genius. 

I am not a fan of the pumpkin spice epidemic that has hit our country at the first signs of fall. I do not like the fake flavors.  They actually repulse me.  So I was a bit concerned that these were going to have that same taste.  But I was longing for the gentle flavors I remembered as a kid.  The taste of fresh baked pumpkin breads and muffins. I figured worse case scenario - they go out for the birds and squirrels.  

Nope, we will not be sharing these.  

This weekend we bought a yummy whipped maple syrup from an Iowa farmer, it can be used in place of butter on toast and such.  Hubs came up with the idea to drizzle it on the donuts.  The smells, the flavors, all of it came together in a taste explosion!

I will definitely be making another batch.  Now I am curious as to how they keep.  This journey is awesome!

Last night, I decided to be creative and we had bbq bean ball sandwiches... same cookbook.  The leftovers will be lunch today.  I never realized eating clean, plant based, oil free meals was going to be not only delicious, but definitely not boring.  

And to think most of my curiosity was fed by my sweet yogi!  That woman has impacted my life in so many wonderful ways.  Everyone needs a friend like her, or maybe a dozen.  It wasn't an over night journey, it was a slow, years long process.  Yet she never judged or pushed me to see what she was saying.  She simply was herself.   A living example of health and peace.  Always willing to share, but never harsh.  She shared some vegan Facebook groups, told me of how much better she and her husband felt.  Thanked my silly efforts at insuring we had a vegan dish at all events - I now realize how much that means. 

I want to be like her, I want to be a living testament to the difference a plant based diet makes in ones life. I never want to be judgy, but I forever want to support. 

I guess you never know what I am going to decide to write about.  I still remember my sweet cousin years ago telling me I needed to decide what my blog was going to be about before I started writing.  Well, it's been almost 7 years that I have been writing... guess what, I still don't know what I am going to write about.  I guess it's just my crazy, mixed up journey through life... 

I love every single step, the good, the bad, the silly, the serious, the lessons... all of it makes the beautiful tapestry that is my life.  

Yep... I'm blessed... 

lazy thoughts...

What does one do on a dreary October morning?  When the sky can't decide if it is a day of rain or shine?  Well this one has her sweet hubs build her a beautiful fire, puts on a snuggly wool sweater, pours a cup of coffee liberally laced with her favorite bourbon cream and she rests. She rests my answering emails to family members, watching the sun lighten the gray sky and looks at the leaves through the picture window as they turn amazing colors.

Isn't that what one should do on a morning like this? Hubs even brought me breakfast, slices of fresh farmer's market bread lavishly spread with maple whip.  I love our farmer's market. 

Hubs and I were hoping to get a motorcycle ride along the river road.  It doesn't appear that Mother Nature wants to cooperate. The temperature is perfect, it's the possibility of rain that is keeping us home.  He's down in the man-cave, I can hear his movie, we both need some relaxation time.

I am feeling marginally better.  And a nap might be in the plan for today.  I am also longing to make some soaps, Hubs has been on a mission lately to share them with all of his friends.  I need to build my stash back up.  Besides, Christmas is coming, I need to have some for my loved ones too.  Most of what lives in my stash right now is the stuff that didn't quite work out the way it was planned and it's my home use stash.  The uglies, perfectly usable, beauty in the eye of the beholder.

I also need to find a few hours for my cooking class.  I am a bit behind.  Need to go buy a white bowl and plate, they are required to submit your cooking pictures. Figures I don't have plain white, guess I am going to the dollar store. Mine are all pretty and busy, but I understand them not wanting the dishes to take away from the overall presentation.

Does anyone else get a sense of the clock racing forward once we hit October?  I always feel that April through August drags on, fairly certain that each month has at least 45 days in it and then it starts racing as we hit first September and then OctoberNovemberDecember... like it is all one run on sentence.

All the things I planned to do, get swept up in that where did the time go momentum and I just ride the wave and hope it turns out perfectly.

Before I know it my sweet boy (he will always be my boy) and his lady will be flying in from the coast, we will have two full weeks of love, laughter, games and experiences and then they will be gone again.  I hate that they are so far and life is so busy.  I would love more than the random week or weekend with them. So hard to believe he will be entering the last year of his 20's soon,  I've missed so much of it.

I'm still digging through the family tree and keep finding treasures I didn't know existed.  I wish that I could uncover the missing pieces to Hubs tree.  I feel a bit guilty that every time I blink there is new and exciting things lingering in my own tree and on his I am still stuck! I have no idea why roots and family are so important to me.  They just are.  I think it is probably connected to being a brat and not knowing my family.  I am enjoying chatting with a cousin lately, getting to know her has been interesting and fun.  Understanding where we are similar and where we are different.  It's like watching a flower unfold. 

This lazy day is starting to look prettier and I probably should get busy.  So... clean, soap, laundry, cook... my oh my the choices and opportunities are endless, sadly I feel a nap is first on the agenda. Hubs and Neeko have already beat me in that department. I hate the beginning of the school year colds that get shared so often. I often feel that I do not have enough time for the things important to me, so losing any of that time to extra naps feels so wasteful.

The fire has died down to embers and my coffee is cold.

Time to savor the day...

making time...

I love the brightness that comes with a fresh snowfall.  Even when the moon doesn't seem to be shining due to cloud cover, it is bright and clear.  I think I stood for almost an hour last night looking down at the hills behind my house. Normally you can't see anything. There is no contrast.

Last night the trees were pitch black against the bright white background, I could see the deer strolling around, foraging for food in the deep snow.  It as breathtakingly beautiful.  I wish I could have gotten a picture, but just like sunrises, it's so hard to get a good night shot with a cell phone and I didn't have my good camera upstairs.

I got lost in the beauty.

It felt like the perfect ending to a busy and rewarding kind of day. I didn't get everything done that I am behind on, I guess I am further behind than I thought.  Who am I kidding?  I've been behind for almost 4 years, I'm not further behind I'm hopelessly behind. But it was a rewarding day just the same.

The upstairs carpets were cleaned, most of it was dusted (I avoided the sewing room - that will take weeks!) and bathrooms were scrubbed, I succeeded at getting most of the Christmas decorations down and boxed up for the coming year.  It will all happen, just didn't happen over the weekend.

I am not going to say I even managed to clean out one full closet, I didn't.  The laundry is all caught up - that in itself is a miracle.  Hubs is constantly trying to get me to agree to letting someone come once a week and do that, nope - the very idea does not sit well with me.  In the process I filled 2 big bags of things that either no longer fit, haven't been worn in at least a year or simply weren't great ideas when purchased. I'd cleaned out the pantry two weekends ago and had an assortment of household goods to add to the mix. Over the course of this week, I want to go through winter coats, we have so many and it's time for donations to happen.  People can definitely use warm coats when the temperatures drop so low.

We took a quick run to Savers and donated the full trunk of clothes and household items.  I wasn't finished cleaning things out, but needed a break.  It felt good to get it out of the house.  And FYI a Beetle has a much larger trunk than one would expect.  Especially when you take the cover for your convertible out.  That is something we will not be needing for a bit, so much snow and temperatures expecting to drop into the single digits.  I'll take the trunk space right now.

I like to donate to Savers because they support the veterans.  I'm not a huge fan of Goodwill, they like to donate to their CEO's pocketbook and there isn't a Salvation Army near me, that I am aware of.  As I clean out the house, I will donate more and will probably share the wealth a bit.  St. Vincent's is also good, but they were closed.

I keep thinking I should join one of those groups that cleans out so much a day.  I think about it and then I realize that one - I am not a joiner and groups are not in my comfort zone, and two - if I had time to do that, I would already be doing it.  So I don't.  Shoot I don't really have the time for this.

Sitting here in the silence, surrounded by my plants, soft candlelight and the magnificent darkness out the bay window.  And day dreaming while I am typing.  I don't have time.  I do have things to work on.  I've come to the conclusion that all work and no "play" is making me an unbalanced person. This does not work for me at all.

Nope... not going out.

I have a ton of things that are work related that I could be using this silent time to complete, things that need the silence for me to focus on, I just can't right now. I don't want to delve into that world for a few moments.

I even made the decision to pack my lunch this week.  I might need to schedule it on my calendar to insure it gets eaten.  I may even go sit my little car and read a book, but I am definitely going to find a break in the middle of the day.

I am learning to make time again, I'm slowly stepping back from being immersed in the rat race.  I wonder if there is a 12 step process, if there isn't there should be.  I am not the only person who is living a non-balanced life.  Not even close.

It's all about the small steps.

the gift of a day...

The fireplace is dark and cold, but the candle is bright and the coffee is hot. 

Hubs doesn't know that I just crawled out of my cozy bed, he's been awake for a while now, watching television, lost in his own distraction world. 

I'm looking out the window in disbelief, it is still snowing here.  Not the big fluffy flakes of yesterday, these are the tiny ones that usually don't lead to much accumulation. I haven't ventured outside this morning, the driveway appears to just have a slight dusting.  Our awesome neighbor got his little home snow blower out yesterday and for literally hours he cleared all of the sidewalks and driveways for folks in our little cul de sac. Although Hubs and I will have to cut a wider path out of ours today, our driveway has an odd angle that literally takes you straight into the little island in the middle if you cannot angle right.  The pile of snow on either side, assures you cannot angle right. And the snow plow that just went through did not make it any better, in fact I'm not sure he even plowed, just buzzed past.

Hubs must have heard me thinking about my fire, because he just came up and started it.  Refilled my coffee cup and brought me a breakfast bar.  I feel so spoiled!  Probably because I am.  So now the picture is complete. 

I feel like we should do a Christmas morning rerun, as I haven't even gotten the decorations tucked away yet.  The fire surrounded by stockings and lights, the snow outside, it looks like a Christmas card.  Later today, it will revert to being the way it is most of the year.  Hubs and I will pull the boxes up and start untrimming the tree and the house. 

Soon, it will be "normal". Whatever that is.

What did all of my snow bound friends and family do yesterday?  Did you rest, read a book, watch a show (after cleaning off your dish if you have one?), maybe cook a fancy dinner?  It's unbelievable the amount of time slowing down seems to give you.  Or at least it was for me.

I didn't get everything done, heck I didn't even make a list.  I simply started. I have been incredibly behind on household chores.  By incredibly I might mean, I even found clothes that I thought I had lost.  Ironing took me hours.  In all fairness, I opened all three window shades and put the ironing board facing the falling snow.  As I lost myself in my task and looking outside, I might have been day dreaming more than steadfastly working.

I hate to iron and I love to iron also.  It's a very complex relationship.

Getting started for me, is about as much fun as getting a filling at the dentist.  OUCH!  It seems daunting. Overwhelming.  A stack of wrinkles and hangers.  I have a system that works for me, as our closets are sectioned, I also sort the ironing to match.  That way I finish one section at a time. It's usually as I am finishing the first section that I realize I have been lost in thought, almost meditating as I work my way through the pile.  Yesterday had the added bonus of big beautiful snowflakes.

As I said I have been behind on this task and it ate up several hours.  But I also stopped and chatted with a friend while sipping hot tea, curled up on the love seat that has been buried under piles of laundry and started reading one of my new books. I might have even found time for a brief cat nap.

The gift of a day "trapped" inside was priceless.

Hubs and I tried to coax both boys into a walk in the snow, one of my favorite past times.  Gator truly was not having it.  We made it three houses down before he was done.  Turning around he dashed to the neighbor's door, having to almost be dragged to our own home one vast white yard away.  He was determined to get out of the deep, white, cold stuff.  He never wandered into it outright, probably good as it came all the way to Neeko's chest - so does Gator. For the balance of the day he grudgingly went out on to cleared little paths where the snow did not dare to fall.  My warm loving pup needed a fire after that trauma! 

Neeko on the other hand was quite delighted and terrified all at once.  We've not had this much snow in his lifetime, so it has been an interesting experience for him.  Not realizing it wasn't solid he initially bounded into some deep piles left from the snow plow and down he went.  The look on that sweet face had me laughing so hard. He looks so perplexed and confused standing there in snow all the way up to his chest.  Watching him figure out how to get out was even funnier, as he would put a foot down, watch it sink and pull it back.  I don't think he figured out he could plow through it like the bullhead he is until several walks later.  Each time jumping out of it to safety and turning to look at it in sheer amazement.

Neek's also caught his first and last snow ball.  He's amazing at catching, eye mouth coordination for him is a highly refined skill.  At least it was until that cold white ball exploded as he bit down.  He dropped it as if he'd caught a live coal and stood there looking at it perplexed and disappointed.  How was this neither food nor toy?  What happened?  There were no further attempts to catch the white balls thrown to him, he let them drop at his feet.

Such a peaceful relaxing day.  Even with the chores thrown in.  In fact, I feel far more accomplished than I have felt in a long time.  Today will be more chore based, but only because I am loving the feeling that I am getting from being able to sit on my love seat and read!  My favorite recliner is almost empty of hangers and I am going to be able to vacuum the kitty hair that has drifted there.  Christmas decorations will finally be boxed away for another year, but the wonderful feelings of Christmas will never be put away. 

Our Y is open today, I have an incredible team that insured the walks were clear, and they could safely access our spaces.  While I haven't gone stir crazy over this gift, I know many have.  We are simply not so much homebodies anymore.  As a society we have to be moving, doing, going.

It's time to figure out what we will have for dinner, I found a new recipe for homemade noodles that I have been dying to try they look yummy and nourishing.  I might even make a loaf of homemade bread.  Days like this completely bring out my inner Laura Ingalls.  They challenge me to go back to my roots before the convenience of a 24 hour grocery and pre-made everything. 

Later I will sit and stitch for a while.  I have a project to finish and this past 12 days has robbed me of any free time.

Well... I hope each of you finds your own special way to relax, unwind and cherish this gift.  The ability to slow down and simply be...

beautiful...

Snow.

Precious, beautiful snow!  My Pennsylvania heart is over flowing.  It might be in my blood to love HUGE amounts of snow.  Especially as I have hardly ever lived in Pennsylvania (I will always claim it as my own though).

Oddly, by Pennsylvania standards, this is probably just a dusting.  By Missouri standards, well... The shops didn't need to worry about food spoiling when they closed yesterday.  It was all wiped clean, a complete run on the market so to speak.  I asked Hubs to grab some eggs and dog treats yesterday.  Because I'd used the last and finally had a day to rest, I might make eggs for breakfast. 

I didn't think that was going to be a major undertaking, I mean, 10 minutes tops... right?  WRONG!  He sent me pictures from the store.  Black Friday had nothing on folks that faced the potential to be home bound for 24 - 48 hours.  Suffice it to say we might not eat at home enough as a population if that was any indication.  My response to the pictures was ah heck no, we don't need eggs that bad, I can make something else for breakfast, go home.  His response?  No way!  I have been standing in this line for 45 minutes!!

What?

That alone perplexed me.  I hadn't attempted to leave work yet.  We closed early, but myself and two of my team couldn't leave right away.  We had friends that didn't feel our safety on the road was important.  Let's leave it at youth today are not being brought up right, and there are some parents that need to start being a bit more involved with them.

Going home was Stress 101. I am sure that I might have earned a degree in that one last night. By the time I was able to leave almost all the highways were closed due to accidents and the side roads were very greasy.  It wasn't a huge amount of snow maybe 3 or 4 inches tops, but the city as a whole might have been caught with their pants down.  The front was moving in faster than anticipated and accumulating far faster than anyone expected.  MODOT was doing their best, but let's be serious here folks. It's hard to plow and salt when everyone waits until the last minute to close and thousands of people are trying to follow the rules and get home and off the roads.

Don't forget to add in the fact that most of the younger drivers around here haven't really had a snow event in their driving lifetimes.  Probably 90% of those that were off the road, spun out, in accidents etc last night that I saw had in all likelihood not driven on snow in those amounts in their lives. Or were just plain silly.  And by silly I mean it was probably not a good night to take your corvette for a spin and pick up trucks do not like snow, unless they are carrying a full load in the bed - even 4 wheel drives.  At least not in my experience and last night definitely drove it home.  It's also a good time to not be texting and driving.  Particularly on icy, slipper hills.

The number of cars abandoned, people literally leaving them in the middle of the road and leaving was mind boggling. It wasn't a blizzard.  And if folks had simply been patient and driven slowly and persistently, paying attention... I personally feel there wouldn't have been people still stuck on highways this morning.  And there are.  Truck drivers that have stalled and broken down on the highways have opted to climb into the beds and sleep.  Fair enough, except for the folks that are stranded because of your truck blocking the way and when your "rescue" comes they can't wake you up to move your truck.  Tad self-centered in my opinion. 

My 12 mile drive last night took 3 hours.  I went through parts of this city that I absolutely didn't know existed.  Between my GPS and my Dad's spirit, more than once I felt like I heard a voice say go that way, I managed to find roads that were plowed and uncrowded. My sweet little beetle was able to move around the stranded cars and went right up those steeper hills without fail.  And I only got 3 major scares of being hit, but managed to avoid all of it.  Note to friends driving in the snow for possibly the first time... don't floor it!  You will end up spinning and sliding.

By the time I turned down our cul de sac, which is not on the snow route, I was a bit concerned as the snow was all the way to the bottom of my beetle, she didn't let me down.  Just over 3 hours after walking out the door and starting the journey home I was safe in my garage. Thankful to finally be home. 

I found out later a few of my friends had been trying to get home for over 6 hours.  If I had known earlier I would have reached out and told them to head to my house - it was closer to where they were.  We could have shared a fire and dinner.

That is what I walked into the door to.  Hubs had made me a fire, there was a pot of bubbling beef soup and a jack and coke.  I definitely felt loved when I finally made it in the door.

Upon climbing out of bed early this morning I saw the snow had stopped, at least for a bit, it's falling again.  I was a bit annoyed to see the selfish neighbors hadn't headed the request to move all vehicles into driveways for the night (they have a very LONG driveway) so the snowplow's could clear the road.  Hubs and I will definitely have our work cut out for us if anyone is leaving our driveway today.  As will our neighbors, as the plow wasn't able to plow correctly and we have a small hill to move.

I had the pleasure of being yelled at in person, on-line and over the phone yesterday because our association made a decision to close early. Seems a lot of folks got released from work early for their safety and to let them get home and off the roads, which translates into, time to go play.  When I explained that I needed to send my staff team home to safety I was told we were selfish, they were demanding money back for the missed opportunity and basically being jerks. 

I'm confused by people anymore.  The lack of concern and compassion for our fellow humans is unconscionable. The rudeness, the entitled behaviors, the willingness to slip into ignorance and profanity, when did we start sliding down this road?

Shortly I will participate in a call to determine opening times today.  I know my personal thought, but I am a small cog in a big wheel.  We will do what is decided.  I am thankful that I do not need to travel today.  I have a team that is closer to our branch ready to go. 

I agree with MODOT, stay off the roads.  Let us do our jobs.  Truthfully, unless it is a true medical emergency, all of us could stay home for a day.  We could shovel our drives.  Have hot cocoa with the neighbors, build a snowman, sled a hill in our neighborhood, and take long leisurely walks in the beauty of the snow.  Make dinner and simply rest.  I know that not everyone has a fireplace, but if you do, put a log on.  Enjoy the nothingness that a snow blanketed world offers you.  In today's world those days are far too few and far too rare.  Lock out the chaos and enjoy this nature induced micro vacation.

While Hubs watches a movie, cable is out, I am going to sit here drink my coffee, enjoy my fire and candles, watch the huge snowflakes fall on my beautiful patch of woods and do a bit of work.  The peace and quiet will finally allow me to think. And who knows I might finally take down the inside decorations, work last week put me a bit behind.

Unless you have to, stay home, rest and be safe.