percentages...

I'm guessing the universe is trying to slow me down for some reason. Only 5 - 10 % of folks that get bells palsy, ever get it again.  Last Thursday, I was gifted round two.  For Christmas I was given the left side of my face and April showers might have brought May flowers - nope the deer keep eating them, but it also brought me the gift of a paralyzed right side of my face.  Yup feeling that face plant emoji about now.  

Even my doc was a bit surprised, said he'd never encountered someone getting it on both sides within 4 months.  So tons of blood work and tests later and all I conclusively know is that I am a rather rare individual and they have no idea what's caused it. Lovely! Thankfully, I know approximately how long it will last and what to expect.  I guess that is something to be thankful for.  But seriously, a girl needs hot coffee and drinking that with half of your face not cooperating, well, it's definitely risky business. 

So now, I am bouncing in and out of life, not really doing much.  Trying not to sleep my life away due to the two medications they are trying this round and honestly feeling a little fussy. If I talk to much or too loudly, I start sounding like I've been drinking for days.  I can't be anywhere loud because that is just an insane amount of pain, as it causes an incredible sensitivity to different tones. Ugghhhhh.... 

I don't do still well, I don't do rest well.  I am not okay.  Okay, I'm done whining.  And I am actually laughing at myself a lot more than it sounds.  

So remember I was talking about the things in our DNA and how do we remember things we've never personally experienced?  Ironically, while killing 2 hours waiting to be seen by the doctor I was scrolling through my emails, and I got an update on my Ancestry traits.  Usually I ignore them, honestly I have found everything I was interested in finding and don't tend to pay much attention any longer.  But I was bored, so why not.  I almost fell out laughing.  Evidently, according to their studies and information... I have only got a 7% chance of being someone that will do artistic things.  

guess I didn't pay attention

It completely cracked me up.  Because I come from a long line of very creative people and my daughter and grands are very artistic also.  The irony was completely not lost on me.  Especially as I had just finished questioning DNA's role in things. 

I don't put much faith in their traits feature, mainly because almost everyone they have said applies to me does not.  So I guess I like low percentages. It also means it's just another example of how I have little faith in things I read.  I go by experiences and gut instinct mostly.  

So while I am "lounging" gahhhh I hate that word.  I am facilitating puppy playtime.  The pup's new friend has been coming over during the day while her mommy is at work.  She gets to not be lonely and they get to have a greater opportunity to socialize.  Win/win.  At first it was a bit hairy.  Piper is a good bit older than they are and has been an only for about a year or so.  Now... we nap together, play together and spend time outside together.  It's pretty funny to watch.  It's getting so comfortable, that Beau even went for his afternoon nap without the need to know what was going on.  

It's good for all of them and it gives me a chance to slow down and laugh. Watching Piper blend right in with Beau and Belle is fun, and it's crazy how much she looks like part of the same litter.  Heck she's not even from the same state. Guess it's a small world all around. 

As I can almost blink again, it's not so painful to look at a computer screen, so I am able to at least spend time writing, hopefully tomorrow I will be able to tackle more of the stuff that is lingering.  It's not really an over all pain, just the eye and ear, but it is definitely not uncomfortable.  So I have been being a bit of a wimp.  I'm not even 60 yet, these strange maladies need to slow their roll.  I'm getting a bit annoyed with the surprises. 

Guess it's a good time to plan a few camping trips and get signed up for our sites.  Hubs and I are planning to hit a few of the local state parks this year, spend more time outside, breathing fresh air, walking the pups and relaxing.  Last year kind of got hijacked, so we are working on a plot twist for this year. 

For now, I will get back to wandering my house aimlessly, wanting to do something, annoyed to be inconvenienced and trying to respect the lesson that is being taught. Or maybe just to figure out what it is. 

love and peace, b

frustration...

When I had my knee replaced I took up a new hobby, it's called contacting the insurance company weekly.  I followed everything the doctors office requested.  EVERYTHING! I even postponed surgery to make it easier and less complicated on their billing department.  None of the other medical departments connected with my surgery had any challenges getting things processed correctly.  But the surgeon's office... Oh my goodness!!  

I can tell you how long the pause is between the sections of elevator music they play when you are on hold.  I can officially tell you that our healthcare system is completely jacked up and that I am beyond over it all. The insurance company is not refusing to pay, they simply need the doctors office to submit the bill correctly.  Instead, the woman at Docs office simply sent me a bill for the entire amount and told me if I didn't want to personally pay it, I could sit on hold with the insurance company, because she was done with wasting her time and it was my responsibility to either correct it or pay it, she didn't care. 

Mind you, she has been the one that directed how everything should happen in the first place and didn't do her job correctly from the start.  But sure, let me clean up this mess for you, I don't mind wasting an hour or two per week to get you paid so that you don't have to do your job. 

Yes, I am a bit testy.  Especially when I keep getting snapped on by this woman when I call to give her an update, well if she is even there.  The last three times I've called she hasn't been available. 

I will admit that I am sitting her with tears in my eyes right now, trying not to get too excited, but it is highly possible that I have finally completed my newest hobby.  They have given me that assurance before and it's fallen through, but today they actually said the words that it has been processed finally.  I will be so over the moon if I no longer have to deal with this. If I can finally mark it off my weekly to do list. 

Insurance companies dictate your services, Doctors offices are over crowded, hospitals are raising rates and dropping service levels... it's only getting worse and worse and please, please, please do not try to tell me it's all because of the pandemic.  It's not.  Although it does feel that people are constantly using that as an excuse for doing and being less than. 

Don't get me wrong, I definitely benefit from my new knee.  I also benefit from having good insurance and at no point do I mind helping anyone with anything.  I simply do no understand why she couldn't do her own job. I don't work for the doctors office, yet it is my persistence that will lead to them finally getting paid. And ironically, she is still not available for the information.  It's exhausting. 

It's no different than when I go to the grocery store and my only option is wait for the single cashier for an extended length of time because no one wants to self-checkout, or I self-checkout.  I am not your employee, if me doing your job saves you money, then how about you offer an "employee" discount at those self-checkout lines? Make it worth my aggravation to use your system, that I was never trained to use, to check myself out.

Geez, I guess it is definitely feisty Monday for me. I didn't wake up in a feisty mood, I promise... well actually I think I just woke up in a tired mood.  Didn't sleep well last night, had to get up early because I never did get Hubs haircut done last night, so I am a bit weary.  

But the mood has more to do with my time not being respected as valuable, it has to do with people that are disrespectful and cranky.  Some folks never learned you catch more flies with honey. 

Hopefully, this is the final call I will have to make.  Hopefully this is the last time I will sit on hold with the insurance company. Now its time to tackle the rest of my to do list. Even retired there are still many things that require time and attention to details, not everything sadly can wait until the next day or a later time.

I sure don't want to sound like my folks did to me when life started changing around them, and not through the lens of progress.  I'm sure they felt the same about their folks view on changes also.  It's almost a rite of passage.  And this old fashioned girl does not want life to move rapidly in such an unfriendly and unwelcoming manner. 

I try to always put others first, I try to always treat them with kindness and grace, I don't really want to be part of a society that doesn't do that any longer.  Where you are shoved off to deal automated systems, people that are burned out and don't like their career paths and it shows, sent to webpages to look for information that may or may not be there instead of being able to pick up a phone and call for answers. 

I am not always sure that life has changed for the better... I'm trying to see it though... I promise!

For now, I think I am going to enjoy the on hold music from the County Assessors office, a cup of hot coffee and work on unknitting my sweater (went 10 rows too far on the wrong pattern...) and looking out the window at the young bucks that are wandering around in the snow out back. I need a mental reset today!  Pups and I definitely need to find a park path to wander!

love and peace...

one of those days...

How is it already 7 am?  How is it that the sky is already turning a soft blue, the clouds are hiding the sunrise from me, but it's definitely a gentle blue with a tinge of orange/pink at the edges of the clouds. My sweet babies are already sleeping for their second nap of the day.  We've been up since about 330 am, so I am fairly positive mommy is going to nap later today when they do.  

I decided against trying to go back to sleep for the hour they would give me this morning, rightfully so, as they played for a good hour before being tired again.  By then I was wide awake, so I made good use of the first nap.  I started unquilting the quilt I am working on.  

I am annoyed by it, not going to even remotely dispute that fact. It's a gift I want it to be perfect.  Well as perfect as possible.  I tried a new thread.  Not impressed at all.  Maybe it will work okay on my actual sewing machines, but I am done with it on the longarm.  I am beyond stressed and annoyed with it.  And having to remove almost 18 inches of finished work is not putting me in my happy place.  It is going to take at least a day if not longer to pull it all out.  Cripes at this rate it will be another week before it is gifted. Yes, I am seriously irritated. It's my own fault, I should have stopped and checked it more frequently. 

Once I pull it all out, I will switch back the thread that I know creates a beautiful stitch, regardless of all the fuzz it also produces.  At least I will be able to finish the quilt and have it look great.  So sadly, afternoon kennel nap is going to be spent bending over the longarm frame tediously removing stitches one at a time. Pretty sure I am going to spend this morning working on my sweater so I am at least calm, well sort of... 

I am not loving the color of the yarn nearly as much in my sweater as I did in the ball, it's striping, I am not a stripe person. But it is turning out so pretty, I will go ahead and finish it.  If I end up not in love, I add it to my inventory and get a different yarn to make one for myself.  Everyone that has looked at it thus far really likes it, so we'll see what it looks like finished.  The other challenge is that the front is designed to be shorter than the back so lining those stripes up is going to be a blast.  Yep, that is serious sarcasm there. 

All I can say is that next time I decide to tell the universe that I want to sharpen and develop my skills I need to be far more specific.  Because everything is proving to be a challenge.  I might need to narrow it down to one specific craft at a time.  Somewhere I need a safe spot to create the things that simply bring me joy without any deep thought required. 

It's all good.  I am fairly sure it is just the exhaustion, but double barrel disappointment is not something I am excited about. Maybe I just need to slow down and ask myself what the lesson I am supposed to be learning is.  Am I so wrapped up in completing the project, in the time allotted by puppy naps that I am not taking time to make sure everything is working correctly and taking the time to check?  Might be a good day to slow it down and do some extra meditation. 

I think today is a day that it is best I work alone.  I am not doing well with peopling - and I'm the only people that I am dealing with. Some days it's better to simply stay to yourself.  Today... might be that day.  Everything seems to be slightly off center.  Maybe I will feel more focused and centered after putting myself in time out.  Okay that humored me, although I might just need to write a list of things I am grateful for, that usually flips the switch for me. 

What works for you when you feel like nothing is going the way you want it to?  I am definitely open to suggestions! 

I was finally able to get a picture of Hubs in his Christmas sweater, I am really pleased with how it turned out and I am in love with the yarn I used for it. It looks great on him and he says its nice and warm.  Perfect for this 7 degree morning. 

I think I need to focus on the successes this morning, the others won't feel so annoying. I guess we all have days like this, they are just so rare for me anymore that I am not at all used to it and might be losing my skill set on dealing with disappointments.  Although fixing things has definitely led to a quick morning.  Hubs is already off to start his day, he's got a busy morning lined up. 

I used to pray for days when the clock flew fast, especially on a Friday.  Now that I have my own schedule and plan my days they have a steady flow to them.  I don't watch the clock anymore.  Although I do find myself surprised like today, when it seems that only an hour or so has passed and I find it's more than four hours into the day. 

Well my sweet puppies are starting to stir, so it's time to do the morning potty and play routine.  This day will end up being wonderful... and I will find the lessons needing learned from the struggles.  

love and peace... 

I just can't!

So, I just did a thing, sort of...  As I was typing my blog a random thought that I needed to share with my son about an issue he's been dealing with popped into my head.  I didn't want to lose it, so I switched over to messenger to send him a note. While I was doing that, I saw that a family member decided to post on something I shared. 

As soon as I saw it pop up my head started buzzing.  I heard my inside voice saying, don't look at it, it will be something negative. Because it always is, it's always biting or passive aggressive when they comment.  It's frankly exhausting.  I don't even know this person, I haven't been home in over 22 years, things like these comments are what make it a distasteful thought to go home.  I don't deal well with the self-centered. 

But restraint isn't my strong suit so... I opened it. And of course they took the entire statement into the space they are living in.  I get it.  I can even respect their thoughts and their fears. The irony, it is a far broader topic than they decided to land on. In fact the reason I shared it was because it was profound for me.  It made me think of many times throughout my life. 

This is the post. I was not thinking of current events, although I feel bullying is at an all time high.  I was actually thinking of all types of bullying when I shared it. How many of you remember being a kid?  How many of you experienced those moments of being shy, uncertain, learning to navigate life.  Did you get pressured to smoke, drink, try drugs, date the wrong person, have sex before you were ready, drive too young, go clubbing, go against every single rule your parents laid out for you?  I mean those are just a few examples. If you didn't do the things, you were in jeopardy of being labeled a nerd, uncool, socially awkward, etc. 

To me that was the true essence of this quote. And the reason it was so powerful, is because I was that uncool and socially awkward kid.  I dated and hung out with some of the cool kids, but I was seriously someone that very few remember.  Because I simply didn't do the "cool" stuff, I have always followed my gut and inner voice. And while at the time it might have seemed stupid, at the season of my life, I am very thankful for that inner voice.

I am a questioner, I need solid answers and proof.  Please don't quote "science" to me, because if you look back through time, "the science" has led us to some pretty dark times in history. Lobotomy anyone? Leaches and blood letting? Cigarettes? More medications that can be counted. Science is ever changing and sometimes you have to wait a good while before you see the truth.  I will need to sit with an idea or suggestion for a good bit.  I will need to know in my gut that it will be something I am okay with. 

I have always been that way. I will always be that way. I will always question and research everything.  

I am simply tired.  I am tired of people thinking things like that are simply okay.  I can respect and honor your thoughts, decisions, ideals... but you can't do the same for me and others?  I don't like passive-aggressive bullies.  I do not have the time of day for them.  Want to have a discussion with me?  Please reach out to me personally, we will probably agree to disagree, but it isn't something the world needs a ringside seat at. 

Each of us is born with free will, how much or how little of that we choose to fight for and retain, that is a very personal choice. I know I am far too strong willed to ever give up my free will without a fight. We are all on a journey in this life, a path.  We have things to learn, we have experiences that we are meant to have.  All of these things are very, very personal and a choice that only we should make.  

It can be something simple, this car or that one, house, apartment or yurt for pity's sake.  Or it can be far more complex and detailed. Divorce or work it out, what state or even country to live in, schooling, children, medical treatments, career etc.  All of those are things that at times you can be find yourself scared, bribed, pressured or guilted into making a choice that does not align with you as a human and the journey that you are on. I am sure that is only the tip of the iceberg, that each of us could add many experiences where we found ourselves being pushed in a direction that was not right for us. 

It applies in so many instances in life.  Ask anyone that is in an abusive situation if they are living their best life, ask them what their gut says.  Ask the parent that has left a bad situation, but needs to share their child.  Ask anyone given a medical diagnosis that is hard to deal with and is being led to chose one treatment plan over another. Or do you stay in a career that is unsatisfying or take your life to a higher level by following dreams, even if you are afraid.

I am tired of petty.  I am tired of people that refuse to open their minds and hearts to meet other souls where they are at and then respect and honor the place they are. Not a single one of us knows if our path is right or wrong.  No one has the ability to know if a decision will alter their life course in a profound way.  Take off your myopic glasses and really see what is going on around you in technicolor.  Take it all in and then speak.  I will bet you that once you have taken it all in you will realize that you are only seeing and witnessing a very small reality, and at that time you will realize you don't have to speak.  Because you will know it isn't needed.

I try to give grace to everyone to follow their own paths and be their own person, without a petty and immature comment showing up when I choose to share a thought concerning my own thoughts. I don't want to be that witch that goes in and blocks people.  I don't want to be tempted to lower myself to their level.  I almost did that today.  

I'm sorry for the rant.  I guess it was one too many self-centered humans in my world right now.  And over the course of getting ready for my surgery tomorrow, I have had to deal with quite a few interesting people.  From the anesthesiologist that felt it was important to share horror story's with me to my own doctor, who chose to berate me for not making faster progress without knowing (or asking) that I have made incredible progress in one month - because I was following the advice of the orthopedist and not him. Weird thing with that - when he told me to do it, he gave me no guidance or direction, just do it.  The orthopedist has me feeling stronger, healthier and in better shape in 5 weeks because he laid out a clear path and instead of telling me to follow him, gave me all the tools I needed to learn the "why" and showed me the start of the path to start my own journey on. 

I guess I wasn't ready for one more.

I had the most incredible weekend.  I had planned to tell you all about the magic of time together with your soul mate. The fun and laughter.  I was hoping to have a serious chat about the power of that magic as I am facing a huge fear for me in the morning. And how much it calmed me.

winning

losing...

I've got jokes 😂

favorite camping activity

storms rolling in...

I know I need my knee replaced.  I know that the quality of my life will be so much stronger once I recover. I have worked very hard to educate myself, to be ready for the unknown.  I think I've already shared that I don't do well with lack of control, I have to deal with the fact that for the next few months I will have to rely on others to protect me and make good decisions during the time I am not able to do that myself, to support and assist me.  To help me learn to navigate the uncertain and the new change of a different knee.  For a moment in time I will have to release full control over me and my life.  For the second time in one year.  It's hard. 

I trust that I have surrounded myself with a powerful group of humans.  I trust that my best interests will be honored and supported.  In this instance it is more faith than I had to put in Hubs when we road the motorcycle.  I know my sweet Hubs will love me through it. 

The phone call that said "be at the hospital at 5 am tomorrow" cemented the reality in my heart and head. It lit a fire to complete the tasks I need to complete to be ready.  

I don't know that I will write for a few, this is all very new to me.  I personally want to believe that I will be wide awake and clear headed by noon tomorrow.  Hubs feels I will be medicated and pretty out of it. Yes, I realize he is probably right.  And while I would love to go home on my birthday, chances aren't really looking all that positive. I mean it's Wednesday... I might be being a bit too Polly Anna with that one. 

Again... sorry for venting.  But enough is enough.  Peace and Love all! 

into focus...

Ugghhh... I hate when my plans go awry before 6 am.  It is not a good signal to a productive day. In fact it is downright frustrating.  I went to be super early last night, for some reason I was beyond exhausted.  So... of course I woke up super early and full of energy. 

Bonus round right?  Before 5 am I had completed the custom order Hubs needed placed and taken the big guy out front.  I was feeling in control of life, so I decided I might as well get a batch of soap whipped up and curing.  Since I didn't get one made yesterday I figured I would make up for it today.

I was crazy excited too, because I have been wanting to give this Raspberry Ale a go.  I wasn't a huge fan of the scent, but figured it couldn't hurt to give it a true test.  Besides, I was eager to try a beer based soap. I've made one with coffee, one with coconut milk, but never beer.  I prepped the beer about a month ago, it's been down in the freezer ready to go... or so I thought.

Needless to say, I am now prepping more beer.  Because boiled down and frozen did not yield half the amount I needed.

I guess I will be making soap tonight instead.

That little hiccup totally derailed me.  I have other recipes I could have started on, but frankly, I absolutely did not have the desire.  All my ingredients are prepped.  Lined up nicely on the counter where I needed them to be, I didn't want to mess up my plan.

It's not the end of the world, I will just be ready for tonight.  Sometimes it's hard to find the rose colored glasses that I often wear.

I guess it was just a sign for me to focus on something less time consuming this morning.  I do have to be in early, we are preparing for a major renovation starting this weekend and it's time to start getting organized and planning.  Equipment is leaving on Friday, and while 14 pieces doesn't sound like much, it will leave some serious holes and we need to be careful about managing our members experience.  This weekend starts a very long month.  It will be almost non-stop.  But it will be the perfect face lift for our almost 20 year old building when it's finished.

The house smells of warm beer now, Hubs was saying how he's now craving a German Pretzel and a nice beer... brat... although our house definitely has a faint Bier Garden smell. Hmmm... maybe I should take that as an omen.

Actually, I think I will steal these few extra moments of time that I have been gifted with and head up to the sewing room.  I have linen dishtowels that I have been wanting to work on.  My creative soul needs feeding.  It's autumn, I start to feel an overwhelming need to create, to nest as the temperature drops. It doesn't matter it if is sewing, soaping, fibers, wood, cooking, crystals.  I just need to create. 

I know I have said it before, I truly could have been a pioneer woman.  I long for a garden or greenhouse.  I love taking care of my home and family.  Maybe I just needed this extra time this morning to reflect on who I am.  I often get caught up in being who I need to be, that I forget who I am at my very soul.  I neglect the innate nurturer, the creative woman that lives at the very heart of who I am. I get wrapped up in checking off boxes and taking care of life.

Yep, I guess the universe knew what I was needing.  I am feeling calmer in my heart since sitting down to write, to focus on the who and not the what.  I'm still bummed that I am behind on my soaps, yet, I feel refreshed and focused.  Pausing and thinking has allowed me that moment I needed.  While writing I have paused several times to jot down notes, things that have been running free range in my mind that I have been unable to capture. 

I feel focused, I feel calm, I feel ready for this beautiful day!

 

taking that moment...

Woke up this morning to the sound of rain falling steadily on the chimney pipe.  Followed immediately by the roar of thunder and the brilliant flash of lightning making the entire room have an eerie glow. It was wonderful!  I am a total rain girl.  I guess it is growing up in Germany.  I'm not sure.  But I will trade a day of sunshine (unless I planned to go cruising in my little beetle with the top down) for a day of storms and rain. 

As I was lying there snuggled in my warm quilt, stretching and contemplating starting the day, the alarm hadn't gone off yet, I hear the rhythmic thump of Neeks tail against the door.  Hubs had woken up early again and was heading upstairs with coffee.  I don't really need an alarm, these two guys can handle it all on their own.  I wasn't ready for the barrage of lights, the switch from monotone news to louder jazz, and I really wasn't ready to converse with the already coffee filled, hour awake Hubs.  But his day was starting super early, so mine was too. 

I was savoring that peaceful moment. 

Although, I definitely don't regret the extra time to chat and spend time with Hubs.  We only went back to work yesterday and already things feel a bit out of control. I made a promise to myself and I fully intend to keep it.  I think Hubs will too, he is just going to have to juggle a bit to balance his week.

As I was up and ready, I mean may as well get the day started at the same time he did, I could have decided to rush into work.  Lord knows I have enough extra stuff staring me in the face right now.

I could have.

I didn't.  I made another cup of coffee, took advantage of the break in the rain and took the Neeko for a longer stroll, those quick dashes out in the rain were not going to suffice for the entire day. Took the time to make my bed, dust my mantle and all the urns that sit there, and now I am writing. 

I don't want to lose the beautiful gift those two weeks gave me. I had so many people yesterday tell me I looked refreshed and rested.  Those words were precious.  Because I feel refreshed and rested. 

I was hoping to get home a bit earlier than I made it, especially as I hadn't really had a lunch break. It didn't happen, but it was definitely earlier than the past year had been.

Bless my sweet Hubs by the way. 

I was pretty darn proud of myself yesterday morning.  Breakfast made, lunches packed, it was going to be the start to an amazingly organized day.  I'd even kept my promise to myself and had not looked at my phone for an hour after waking up. 

I was feeling pretty darn successful.

That came to a screeching halt as I was almost to work, with no time to turn around, and realized I had forgotten my lunch.  Remember we are not eating junk anymore, and I had a delish vegan pasta salad sitting at home. Right where I packed it.  Not with me.  I also knew I had nothing in my office that met the need.  It was going to be a long day!  I might have whined a bit while talking to Hubs.  That is the beauty of marriage, you always have someone to pout with and voice frustration, well among many other things... We had agreed that I would do my best to order something healthy for delivery, but I was definitely bummed. 

Around 11:30 am, just as my yummy breakfast was wearing off and I was just starting to consider who to order from in walks my awesome Hubs, with food!  He'd squeezed in a few extra minutes to make sure I had lunch.  Instead of a beautiful park with soft breezes blowing our hair and sparkling waters near by we had a picnic right there in my office.  The lunch and company were fabulous, I really would have preferred a beautiful park. But I am not trading that little bit of joy for anything.

I'm finding that life is truly about finding those moments and pockets of joy.  It can't be all nose to the grindstone.  It has to have those moments.

When I finally got home last night, I wanted nothing more than for someone else to cook.  The first day back is always tough after a short break, after two weeks, it was a bit daunting. I was mentally tired.  I was also tired of being inside.  I hadn't realized how much time I had spent enjoying being outside, until all I had was the view from my window. I definitely wasn't looking forward to more time inside doing "work". That lunch debacle had derailed my whole "organized" theme.

After a few pouty moments, a bit of playing chase Neeko through the house with toys, I decided I was definitely hungry.  Time to cook.  Nothing appealed to me, I didn't want black bean burgers again.  Even though they were delicious!  And I didn't really want my pasta salad (I mean I still needed lunch for today).  I was really craving some good Asian food, but didn't want to go anywhere and chance not being what I need to keep feeling good.

The struggle was REAL!

Flipping through the cookbook, deciding that sushi was not something I was ready to try while tired and hungry.  I wanted something quick. I happened upon a Pho-inspired Udon bowl.  I had all the ingredients, ironically, I mean if you never cook Asian food at home why would you have Chinese Five Spice in your spice rack... who knows, but I did!  I had recently decided to purchase some baby bok choy, I mean they weren't expensive and they looked adorable and I was simply sure I would find something to use them in. Thirty minutes later, we sat down to a delicious dinner. I was again feeling accomplished.  It's the little things. 

Now I just need to decide if it will be that yummy pasta salad for lunch or the Pho... decisions, decisions.  One thing for certain, I will definitely be taking my lunch today.

Hubs has a long day today, so I will be the one to make adjustments to insure Neeko gets his walk and dinner.  Chances are I will bring work home and catch up in silence. Who knows...

But for now the rain has let up, although I seriously enjoyed walking in the rain with Neeks, it was refreshing and powerful.  Like it was rinsing away the weariness.  And my stolen  planned "me" time is over.  It's time to go and earn my paycheck.  I feel a bit more balanced just for allowing myself time for me.

I'm ready...

raging...

I've spent several exhausted evenings looking longingly at my computer.  I've written out numerous blogs in my head.  There is much circling around, trapped.  Thoughts that seem to be trying to force their way out.  In my tote there are piles of scrap paper with notes scribbled on them.

Writing is one of the ways that I balance and order my world.  I don't really have a purpose to it, or even a rhyme and reason.  One of my cousins when I first started blogging told me that I needed to find it's purpose if I wanted people to read it, to gravitate towards what I was putting out into the universe.  I didn't do that.  Because it wasn't about a how to, it wasn't tips for life, it's simply thoughts, ideas, and my own willingness to be vulnerable.

What I have found over the years that I have managed to find a moment here and there to jot down my thoughts, hopes, dreams and ideas is that the people that read and respond... they are my tribe.  They are the like minded souls that I needed to find.  Most of them are now very dear friends.  I need their lives to help balance mine.  There is even a deeper connection with family members.

Sitting here watching this raging storm surrounding me, it kind of matches where I have been lately. The whirlwind and storm that is bending trees and creating rivers in the road matches my internal struggles.  The thunder is pounding the very earth with it's sound.

I feel at peace.

Do you ever feel that you give too much of yourself to any cause that has value to you?  Do you find yourself feeling run down and worn because you are determined to make a difference?  I have found those are the people that I gravitate to.  If you are strong influence in my life or one of the people I hold most dear, you are definitely like me.

Which makes me wonder if I am destined to belong to a tribe of worn out, bone weary, coffee slugging givers.  People that struggle with boundaries, correction people that struggle with setting boundaries to protect themselves.

The past ten months have been exhausting.  Emotionally draining and frustrating.  I look around my home and realize that it has been completely neglected as I have been grasping at all the loose threads spinning rapidly around me. I wonder how much of everything in my life has been the victim of this storm.  I feel in many areas I am literally struggling to just survive, it's become a day to day battle.

One that is starting to wear on my health.

I wake up, start dealing with work, walk the boys more dealing with work, eat breakfast (on a good day), get ready, get in the car go to work (where I try desperately to at least get a call into mom - friends - I love you all - but I am truly fraying at the edges).

Work for the next 9 - 12 hours - always intending to leave at a reasonable hour, but getting stuck dealing with the unfinished business that those who feel their work/life balance is far more important than everyone else's, if I am lucky, I get home with enough time to fix and eat dinner before crawling in bed and giving up for another day.

I will fully own that some of this is my own choice.  For me failure has never been an option.  At least not in reference to other people.  I will sacrifice whatever is needed to keep a promise, hold tight to a commitment or obligation.

Yet things that bring me joy and peace, they get brushed aside.  I have so many unfinished projects.  So much of what fills my own bucket is brushed to the ground.  I am simply one person, and I always seem to honor and value the needs of the people that I perceive as being more "important".

The weekends have devolved into a time to catch up on rest, therefore sitting mindlessly and resting body, mind and spirit.  Or a mad rush to complete chores and plan for the coming week ahead.

Lately there have been a few things that are taxing my temper and patience. I have to find a way through it.  Because truthfully, it's exhausting.  I have members of my tribe that are as deep in the thick of things as I am. Deeper.  I'm trying to lift them up and support them, yet I know that I am not succeeding. I need those "selfish" people to stop for a minute and realize the universe simply does not revolve around them, that in order for any of us to get out of this alive it's a team effort.  Maybe if there was less "I" and more "us"... everyone would be in a better place. I'm tired of the mentality that it is a team effort when it benefits me, but not a team effort when it is for everyone.

I am truly tired.

I have nothing left to give myself and therefore nothing left to give others. Many of my tribe are in the same place.  Stay strong dear ones.

The storm is definitely raging...

did you try?

I was at the top of the hill, looking out into the valley yesterday morning, and I was struck with wonder at the peaceful view.  You cannot say for one moment that I live in a remote countryside, I don't.  I live in the midst of thousands a mix of homes and apartments, a virtual mass of people.  Yet early yesterday, just as the sun was attempting to lighten the sky, with the early winter morning fog that hung more like a frosty blanket over the houses it was magical.

The hills a bit higher in the distance, loomed higher than usual due to the fog, the few homes very evident had the trails of steam rising from their chimney pipes.  And it looked like that was all there was to the world.  It reminded me of times where I have lived in far more remote areas.  Germany where the villages are single and distinct, not running into one another in a solid flow of humanity, the tiny mountain villages in Colorado and even Washington.  To me it was mystical and calm.  I didn't want to drive past.  I wanted to savor being lost in the quiet my imagination running wild.

Sadly, the light turned green and it was time to return to reality. I love my career path, I enjoy greatly what I do, but some days are more exhausting than others.  Yesterday was simply one of those days.  I'd had to go in unexpectedly early, as the person that was manager in charge before me called in sick.  They didn't think to ask anyone, including me for coverage, so I simply went in and covered it.  I don't do well with people taking advantage.  It's mentally exhausting.  People don't realize sometimes that the simplest act of asking someone to do something changes it completely from an expectation to a request.  The end result would be the same, but it wouldn't be mentally defeating.  People truly do want to be good to one another, they just want to be appreciated and not taken for granted.  At least that is my personal belief.

I fear that small act set a negative tone for the day.  It wasn't a huge issue and it allowed me to deal with things that had been unloved during my vacation. But the mental slap was hard to shake.

The day continued in a awkward and trying way to the point the beauty and calmness of the morning faded to a non-event.  I'd almost forgotten about it.  My desire to record the powerful effect of the beauty almost lost to a day of disappointments. I didn't write when I came home.  I needed time to process the day.  Too many times lately I feel that I am dealing with insanity that at some point should have been addressed by the parents during formative years.  And the things that people assume are okay, are well, exhausting.

Last night, I gave up.  I finished my evening by completing a disciplinary action form, even the wonderful dinner my sweet Hubs had waiting when I came in the door a full hour after I had planned didn't lift me out of my doldrums.  It was only 3 days into the new year.  And I was already dealing with stupid. So by 9 pm I'd misted my pillows and face with rose water it calms and centers me.  I curled up with my old dog, puppy snuggles are the greatest cure for a rotten day.  And fell fast asleep.

Today is another day, it isn't as cold out, so I am sure the drive in won't have the same magic, the mystic vision will have faded to houses and apartments placed close together with very little actual human interaction.  It's a chance to start fresh.  It's another new beginning.  My favorite meme lately is "you'll feel better after you have slept, it's the human equivalent of have you tried turning it off and on again".  That is basically a true fact.

I had the time to have breakfast with Hubs, he remembered I said I had an early start and made us a fabulous breakfast complete with lots of hot coffee.  It may seem trivial, but it sure beat a yogurt and granola bar munched in the middle of chaos, peaceful and enjoyable, complete with time for conversation. Lunch is even packed.  I am ready to be successful today.  I've had time for a reset.

There is much to be done today, but I am going to find myself some magic.  It might be in someones smile, a child's laugh, the clouds opening to sunshine, the possibility of snow, or maybe the gathering of a wonderful group of people and friends to celebrate someone's decision to broaden their sense of the world and travel.  I am going to find something that will enlighten my life and bring me joy.  Which should be an interesting search due to the fact that I will be immersed in budget spreads and all sorts of end of the year final stuff...

making a life...

When the wind picks up it's almost refreshing out.  Without it, it's just hot and muggy.  I am so not a fan of this Midwest climate. It's going to be another hot one today.  Not really my thing, but at least it will keep me inside and allow me to complete some of the things I have been longing to do... or not...

I've had the olive oil and dandelions infusing at a soft boil for the past two hours.  The dandelion tea is done.  I was incredibly excited to make a batch of soap. I cleaned up the kitchen and got it ready for some serious soaping.  And as it's nice and not raining, I am planning on a batch or two of bath bombs. 

But now I am simply feeling a bit bummed out.  I didn't catch it until it heated that the olive oil had gone rancid.  It smells awful! I don't want my beautiful soap to smell like that.  I did the research, everything says I can still use it, just need to super saponify or I can wash it in brine to remove the scent. Super saponification is going to lead to a very drying soap, kind of defeats the purpose of using the dandelions don't you think?  And I'm afraid the brine will also remove all the benefit of the dandelions.  So now I'm at square one again. Guess I am going to pick another cup of dandelions.  The bee's are going to revolt... Thank goodness they grow so fast.

Maybe I will resort to something less detailed, as I truly just want to make some soaps and try out all of my new molds.  I was hoping to make a batch or so of hot process also, so I don't have to deal with the patience part of things.

And I also need to go and buy a lawnmower.  Ours is a total piece of... well you get it.  And we hired a lawn care crew.  Which I am firing today.  I don't mind spending the money to have my yard mowed, but when they are as inconsistent of these guys and my front lawn is deeper than my short guys chest?  They are doing a lousy job and they are not inexpensive.  I've had kids to a better job than this company is.

I have to admit though that even with the rampant frustrations today is bringing.  Bitter oil, deep lawn, Hubs busy working for hours... It sure did start off excellent!  I had a message from my boy, something that is rare, he's busy living his life far away, so to wake up to that gift was priceless.  And my sweet (?) girl gifted me with an awesome yarn bowl to make me smile!  I got to talk to my own mom and I feel blessed to be able to do so.

Despite the challenges, I am feeling very grateful for my new found devotion to getting deeper involved in living my own life and remembering that other things are not the core, they are the outer rings.  They are not my own personal why.  They are not the items that define who I am as a human.

I am a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a gramma, a friend to many, and possibly a nemesis to some.  But over all... I am a human being on a journey that only I can define.  I'm enjoying discovering that! For too long, I've allowed the non-important to define the important.  Who I am and my contribution to my own life and happiness cannot be graded or judged by anyone except for me.  And when you start living to achieve other's goals and desires of you, you stop being able to reach for your own happiness and inner peace.

None of us get out of this life alive.  And I am starting to fully understand that the little check marks that others are making do not define who we are or where we ultimately end up.  This is just a season in time.  And the best thing any of us can do, is love the people that are important to us.  Spend quality time doing things together. None of us need a ton of gifts and clutter in our homes, we need time, experiences, and most importantly love.

Celebrate this mother's day.  If your mom is still here, let her know you love her, if not celebrate the gifts she gave you while she was. Let your loved ones know their value.  Because all too soon, you can only send those and thoughts to silence.  Love and cherish while you can!

Time to go and celebrate my day... Best wishes to all of you!

finding grace...

There is an older country song... it has a line in it "what a day yesterday was"... it is referring to a wonderful yesterday full of love, hope and dreams. 

"Yesterday" for me was definitely filled with stress, chaos and unhappiness. But what a day it was!

I woke up to my alarm going off at 5 am, just like it does most days.  I'd finally had a full night's sleep and was really feeling ready to tackle the world. The linger effects of the sinus infection had cleared up for the most part. I'd finally had a long rest without worry or stress.  It seemed like it was going to be a darn good day as I lingered in bed snuggling my little old baby boy, thankful for another morning of his being beside me.  Knowing the morning is going to come when it's a memory. 

The bliss ended rather abruptly. 

Hubs came upstairs, he'd been awake for a bit, with the news that the pain was more severe, in his shoulder and running all the way down his arm.  Accompanied by tingling and icy cold. Not news you want to hear first thing in the morning after checking out of the hospital two days before for evaluation.  Hadn't I gone and gotten all the med's the doc said I needed?  

As I am lying there sorting through the rearrangement of my day and arguing with Hubs that he probably needed to be seen again... the phone rings.

As I put on my glasses and picked it up wondering who was calling off work and what in the world was going on, I see it's one of my sisters. 

Took a deep breath before answering, a 6 AM call from one of my sisters is never good news. 

It wasn't. 

My Dad was in the hospital. He'd been out for dinner with Mom and starting feeling bad.  Winding up in the ER confirmed that he'd had a heart attack. Mom had been with him all night and sisters were on their way to take over waiting with him for a room, so Mom could head home to rest. 

I didn't feel dread, I truly feel like both of them will be okay. But anxiety was definitely rearing it's ugly head. 

Sisters said while Dad feels like crap, he will be fine.  Doctor said it was not life threatening. So I was able to focus on Hubs. 

While still arguing with him about being seen, because evidently it's okay to stress me out, to be in pain and scared and to tell me to just go to work and he'll drive himself to the ER. I had just finished telling him that I am a very strong woman because of a long line of jerks and I was not going to accept it from him, when...

The phone rang yet again. 

Trust me at that point the day was already getting old and I was thinking of chucking the phone out the window.  That call brought the news that a water main had broken and they were closing our building.  We're tenants, we don't really get a say in any matters like that. 

Calling my boss, working on helping put all the pieces together that come with an emergency shut down while trying to hurry and get ready to take Hubs to the doctor I was starting to feel very stressed and very angry.  It'd been enough for one morning. 

Slipping off my heels - as I no longer needed them on to look professional, putting on my fun vans... I mean come on doesn't everyone smile when they are wearing van's with cherries on them? I grabbed the bag with my laptop, some knitting and water.  I'd learned my lesson on Tuesday.  

We'd called his primary care doc and the heart doc that had released him.  Neither of them would see him.  Take him straight to the ER.  I knew it was going to be a long wait. 

It was.  

But... if I needed to have a moment to take care of everything and put it back into balance.  Yesterday ended up being the day.  With my building closed, I no longer needed to rush anywhere. And I could focus on the Hubs.  My sisters could keep me posted on my parents.  And I could stop for a moment in time, get some work done in silence and move forward. 

As luck would have it, the Doc that we got in the ER didn't stop looking for the problem after determining that it wasn't his heart.  That the blood pressure being so high might be a symptom of something else.  She started looking deeper. 

After a few more tests, and a few shots to bring the pain he was feeling into check, she determined that he has a pinched nerve. Something we had been wondering since Wednesday.  The arm that is hurting is one that he had surgery on a long time ago.  As they controlled the actual pain the blood pressure fell to a normal range.  Good news!! 

A call from a sister told me that my Dad was doing okay, they were working on stabilizing his blood pressure and that they would be keeping him for observation for a few days.  He will be okay too. 

And just as they were coming to a conclusion with Hubs, the phone rang.  The landlord was letting me know that we would have water again momentarily. So I was able to start reversing the tasks of the morning.  Needed to call all the workers back and get us back open. 

Sitting in the ER listening to broken conversations, beeping monitors and rushing steps in a very uncomfortable chair I was able to feel peace again. I was able to wonder at the power God has to make things happen the way that they need to.  Even if in that moment in time it doesn't feel like it. 

This morning I got up bright and early and started to get things rolling.  I am hosting a Pampered Chef party at my house.  This is a first for me, I never HOST parties.  I will attend, I will host an online, but I am definitely not a hostess person. Remember, I am not exactly friendly or sociable.  That being said, I happen to adore this sweet woman and would do anything I could to help her out. 

So... Fajitas and Margaritas are happening in about 9 hours.  I've invited everyone that I could think of and bought the best ingredients I can find.  The B's and my girl will be here and who know's who else.  I have enough to feed an army so hopefully it isn't just the seven of us. And if it is, well we'll just enjoy each other, laugh a lot and have a great time. 

For now... I'm catching my breath.  Tomorrow will find me back at work fighting the good fight, today, I need to have a bit of me time.  This stress is wearing me out!

scary...

Happy Halloween!?

Or is it?

I remember being a kid and Halloween being one of my favorite holidays.  I mean come on, it was the perfect opportunity to dress up as your greatest fear and face that stuff head on! Witches, ghosts, aliens, skeletons, etc... they were always everywhere.  Of course there were mummies and goblins.  I also remember hobo's and clowns (before that was the single most terrifying thing ever!  Thank you Stephen King).

Of course there were always the kids that evidently had no fears and they were in the fun, silly costumes. Either that or their parents might have been more concerned about potential psychological damage down the line. And not looking forward to paying for years of therapy, opted for balloons and unicorns.

I remember watching Halloween start morphing when I was in my late teens. At some point it started to be people that frightened us, that were ridiculed and mocked.  Presidents, politicians, despots and dictators started being combined into a mix that still included those traditional nightmares, but it started to become far more personal.

I think I started tuning out of Halloween in general when the pumpkins, ghouls and goblins started to be out numbered by the personal attacks and satire driven agenda's.  It just all went against what i firmly still want Halloween to be.

Somewhere along the line, we as a society seem to have forgotten how to simply have joy in an age old celebration of fear and faith.  It has started to morph into something I simply do not want any part of.

As I woke up this morning to the news, NPR is sadly the only non-jarring station to slowly wake up to. They were talking about some students claiming other students were being racists for their choice in costumes at a party off campus.  Wanting them kicked out of school.

It bothered me.  Which is why I am sitting here at 6:30 am in the morning, sorting through my thoughts. It sounds like the costumes were in fairly poor taste, but then aren't most Halloween costumes?  I mean if you are a Wiccan Practitioner couldn't a witches costume be considered racist?

The part that bothered me the most, was that at no point did the students calling for expulsion seem to think about things from the opposing view point.  We live in a very divisive time. Maybe those students were simply facing their fears?  In a highly inappropriate manner I would argue, but then most of what I witness going on now-a-days seems to be in a highly inappropriate manner.

Personally, I'm going to say that my children and grand children stating that people are always "butt hurt" is probably pretty darn accurate.  At some point in time, we've moved past the point where it is okay to agree to disagree.  That its more important to attack, malign and generally belittle those that disagree with us, instead of having a conversation.

I don't agree or disagree 100% with any of the things going on around me at this time.  What I try to do is encourage and support each view point.  I don't have to be right.  I have to be honest to who I am.

There are many costumes that offend me on a personal level.  Internally, I am going to put a check mark in the wtf? column in my brain and move on. I am not going to attack or demand your demise, I am just going to wonder for a moment.  Because I long ago learned that if it isn't going to matter to me in five years, to move on.

I dressed up this weekend as a black panther.  My youngest grand daughter was a Panda in a cage.  Mom was the lion trainer - nope couldn't find a lion costume, and Hubs was the tiger - I didn't have any brown clothes to wear.  I thought about the monkey to go with her circus, but again no brown clothes, and I didn't want to hear any of the make believe racist comments.  My Grand Babies are all mixed race and far too often people show me they are still stuck in "wtf?" land.

I felt pretty darn comfortable being a panther.  Until the very end when someone said "seriously? can't wait to hear what this stirs up"????  WHAT?

I'm tired of the over sensitivity.  I'm tired of having every comment, conversation, costume, etc  questioned and doubted.

I think my oldest grand daughter was right when she initially wanted to simply where a t-shirt that said "commitment".  And when asked to explain her thoughts she said "because that stuff is scary as...".

Oh wait... there are probably some religious people that would take offense with that....

What happened to the days that the scariest thing about Halloween was Candy Corn (my personal favorite FYI)?

Spiked Hot Chocolate anyone?  I think I am going to build a fire in the fire place and sit this one out...

p.s. how about we all live and let live?

i hate snakes...

Ugghhhh... completely lacking in motivation this morning.  Seems an odd statement from someone that has already caught up on emails, composed two letters, walked my dogs, fed my animals, taken care of my
daughter's zoo, watered her seedlings and been out in the snow flurries.

All before my first cup of coffee.  As I am sitting here enjoying it and contemplating breakfast, I know that I should be multi-tasking a bit more.  Frankly, I don't have it in me.  I need to steal a few moments before I climb the stairs to get ready for the day.   I need a few more moments of peace.  Watching the light flicker off of those big fluffy flakes that aren't even thinking about sticking around.  Listening to the water in the aquarium.  And drinking my coffee.

I didn't sleep great last night.  And I am paying for it this morning.  I hate the time change, it really kicks my FMS butt, to be perfectly blunt.  I feel drained and in need of 12 straight hours of sleep, or at least that is what my brain thinks. Between the time change and bad dreams, I don't feel like I closed my eyes at all.

I am pretty sure it was because of the stress at my daughter's house earlier in the evening.

Have I mentioned that I hate snakes?  Because I do.  With an absolute, overwhelming, terror-filled passion. Just thinking about one is enough to make my skin crawl.  I don't need to physically see one.

So... my daughter has a snake.  I can't remember what kind it is.  Frankly, it doesn't matter it is a snake.  We have an agreement.  I will watch her critters while she is on vacations, no worries.  I will NOT under any circumstances deal with that snake.  She needs to insure he has everything he needs when she leaves and as long as he stays contained, we have no problems.

Imagine my dismay when I arrived last night to take care of the "zoo" to find a fairly substantial part of his "nose" sticking out of the mesh covering.  I do believe that he and the mouse, that is supposed to have been his dinner, have been plotting their escape.

My daughter switched his aquarium to give him a bit more space to move around before she left.  He has been pushing at the mesh and has two large sections loose and hanging free.  This isn't going to work for me.

At all!

For now, I have two large sheets of plywood and a 4x4 blocking his progress.  I have no idea how long that will last.  He sure gave me an attitude this morning.  Putting his snubby nose and beady eyes up to the glass and flicking that tongue at me.

Ugghhh...

Tonight on my way home I stopped to take care of the zoo and measure the aquarium.  Needed to get a lid for that stupid thing.  I couldn't take the stress of it's existence any longer. At least he'd retreated to the inside of his rock and I no longer had to see him. Still didn't inspire a warm, fuzzy feeling reaching across that darn aquarium, knowing that he was lurking inside, glaring out in his arrogance.

Quick run up to the pet store to get a lid and I was feeling pretty darn confident that this day had finally gotten better.  Did I mention that this was definitely a high stress, challenge filled day?  Because it was.

Zipping along home, marveling at the utter lack of traffic and thrilled as I was starving having not ended up having time for lunch today, and I'd put off dinner until after I dealt with the snake issue. I was back at her house in record time.  All the while thinking, this daylight savings might not be so bad as it was still light enough to see what I was doing.

A quick check in the aquarium revealed that my nemesis appeared to be sleeping, at any rate he was not out slithering around.  I quickly prepared to swap lids.  Almost breaking into a cold sweat at the very thought of removing that lid.

I did mention that I am terrified of snakes, right?

I quickly pulled the old lid out, and popped the new one on.  And my heart sank!  The only size they had was just a bit too loose, I fussed with the lid locks for a few moments before realizing I had NO idea how to work them and not feeling to comforted by their "security".

No that was not going to do at all.  Thankfully I found the brick with the lid locks and for my peace of mind... I put the 4x4 back on top.

I loathe snakes!

Feeling pretty darn proud of myself, I reinstalled the "red" light and plugged it in.  I proceeded to ignore the demon snake and take care of the bunny.  Carlos is everything that demon is not.  Fuzzy, sweet, adorable, boned...

As I am walking back from the kitchen maybe 5 feet away... the demon snake is causing problems again. Okay, in all fairness I am pretty sure it wasn't him physically, but I am positive his sheer evilness caused it!  Just as I am coming back to the living room, there is a LOUD pop and flames shoot out of the light in 3 directions.  I dropped the water bottle and scurried under the aquarium to unplug the stupid thing.  Have you ever seen an ungraceful 51 year old scurry anywhere?  Thank you Lord that no one was filming it, that would have been a disaster scene!

Seriously?? As black smoke billows up from it, I am rushing to get it out of the house.  I am fairly certain the dog, cats, rabbit, mice (snacks for the snake) and the demon snake were all as terrified as I was.

Calling my daughter... well, unless you want laughed at for all the drama you are dealing with... don't bother. And she didn't have another light anyhow.

Rabbit's water reattached - check.  Living room checked on hands and knees to insure no live embers - check.  Exhausted stressed mommy taking herself out for dinner - check.  I really wanted a margarita, but with the day I'd had... one probably wouldn't have been enough and I didn't want to tempt fate.

So now the sun has set, Hubs should be on his way home, although I am not going to count on it. The demon snake was still in his rock when I went back by looking for my favorite scarf (and just to assure myself that I hadn't truly tried to burn down my daughters house). My boys have had their afternoon loves... and I am getting ready to call it a night.

What a day... Glad she's relaxing in one of the most beautiful places on earth...