periods of change...

Twelve weeks ago I closed my laptop, not realizing that it would be that long again before I opened.  Not realizing it would be that long before I felt drawn to write again. Wondering if I am really ready to do so now.  I have felt the urge to write for a little over a week now. In fact I've even started a few times.  I just never finished, it wasn't time. 

As I was puttering in my garden this morning, savoring the early morning breeze and beauty, my time that I spent in prayer and deep in thought I again felt the need to write. 

Twelve weeks ago, maybe a bit longer I stopped using my social media for most things.  Sticking it on a back shelf only looking when there was something in one of my groups that I wanted to see or if I found out that there were pictures of my grands or my extended family.  

I have been going through a process of stepping back.  Of redefining my own boundaries, needs, my path through this journey that we are all on.  I have been digging deeper into the void that I feel we all want to banish.  I'm not lonely, not at all.  In fact I've never felt more connected and alive.  I've been making my personal circle smaller in many ways.  Yet it is giving me the energy to expand it greatly in others.  

There are days now, where I don't use my phone - at least not for communicating.  I use it for learning, doing research into topics that have sparked my interest or to address needs I have encountered in the garden.  

I find myself walking away from things, easily.  I was always that person that struggled with "no" or with standing up when I find myself in relationships or activities that don't bring me personal joy or comfort.  I was always that person that stood by miserably, but smiled anyhow.  The need to please stronger than the need for self-preservation. 

On the course of this path, I have been building new friendships, the kind that fill ones' soul.  People that are trying to be worthy, all while knowing that none of us are.  I am spending time and energy on people that fill my bucket with hope and joy.  I have several dear friends that I break into a huge smile every time I get a random text message from them.  People that I love deeply, people that love me back just as much.  Some have been in my life for decades, others just a year or so, they are priceless and each time we have a moment to connect it's as if the days, weeks, years have not even passed. 

Others are people I am just meeting, had a marvelous brunch yesterday that turned into hours of sharing and connecting.  Connections from church that are creating a spider web of support, love, commonality that I have desperately needed.  

I am spending a lot of time studying my Bible.  I adore my new church.  It fills my heart, the pastor and his wife (also a pastor) are amazing.  I leave each service or Bible study needing to dig deeper into the verse or verses.  I find myself lost in some of the lessons to a point of almost obsession.  I've never experienced that before in my life.  I've attended many churches over my life, I have never had a pastor that brings the Bible to life before.  I could list all of their doctrines, the rules of the church, to do's and don't's that you will not find in any Bible.  I don't believe our church truly has any of those things.  If it ain't in the Bible, don't bring it to the table is my current feeling.  Always be first and be there in love. 

Me, the person that doesn't like to join anything.  Finds myself volunteering whenever a need is brought forward.  I want to help in whatever way they need... well... let me clarify that, I am not finding myself volunteering with the kiddo's.  I love kids, I just am not at a place that I love being responsible for them.  Who knows that might return someday, I am willing to do small things, but not overwhelming things. 

I was listening to one of my favorite homesteaders yesterday from an event that I had wanted to attend, but things just did not line up, she was going to talk about permaculture gardening.  She is an unabashed Christian (one of the things that draws me to her) and as she spoke she had absolutely no problem connecting all of it together.  She draws me in the same why our pastor does.  Connecting life and everyday to God and the Bible. 

Change is good.  Change is needed.  I'm not crazy for wanting to step out of the rat race.  The rats are only getting bigger and meaner.  She speaks about her journey to slower and simpler.  To the fact that we don't need most of what we are encouraged to have so that someone else can obtain more money.  

The love of money is definitely the root of all evil.  The more I step back, step out, focus on what is truly important.  The clearer it's become. 

Belle makes herself comfortable, wherever

Dad... I'm just gonna sit on your leg 
until you realize that I want those treats

I've spent many hours enjoying my family (near and far), spoiling my puppies and my Hubs, making things, puttering in the yard and thanking God/Jesus for the bounty and blessings that surround me.

Forever I felt like I lived in lack.  A lack of time, energy, desire, finances.  I was focused on what I didn't have, when what I did have surrounded me in an abundance I failed to see.  This journey, path, quest... whatever you want to call it had definitely been opening my eyes. 

What?  No I do not have a rock in my mouth.
Why do you ask? (oh yes he did)

I stay busier than ever, my days start super early and have been ending even later most of the time.  And yet I am energized, fulfilled and happy. I made myself a shirt the other day... it summed up my thoughts entirely... the middle verse was the part that resonated with me "God feeds the birds, but he doesn't throw the worms in the nest".  We all have choices. 

I choose to stay busy.  I simply don't feel a sense of lack any longer. I've been really stuck in John 5 for a bit now, almost two weeks.  Marveling that Jesus healed a man that had no desire to heal himself, someone that was waiting for someone else to do the work for him.  I can never be worthy, I will always be flawed, I'm human.  I want to do my part though.  I want to be an active participant in this life. 

Well, I want to get started on a few more projects today, there is a podcast that I am wanting to listen to while I stitch and chores that need to be finished.  Yesterday was mowing in the early hours so as to avoid the heat.  Today, I have some harvesting to take care of. 

Gotta get going... 

back to normal?

Hubs is upstairs showering and getting ready to return to work.  I've just finished my to do list and making plans for the day.  The pups are romping around in this sudden spring like weather, fueled by the unseasonable warmth.  It feels a lot like an every day normal kind of day. The routine being re-established and life getting ready to move forward in the ordinary kind of way. 

I've been struggling to maintain my routine while Hubs has been on vacation.  My life doesn't flow the way it used to when we both worked outside of the home, so when he wants me to sit and watch a show or do other things like that, it means my normal chores don't happen. I never thought I would feel "behind" at home.  Today, feels like a day to catch up, to complete the tasks and move things forward. 

This warm weather has me thinking about finally getting my door painted.  I've been putting it off for what feels like forever.  Not because I don't want to do it, but because with puppies, everything requires far more thought and planning. As the temperature will head firmly towards 70° I feel that I should probably get organized and start the year off solidly. The pups have mellowed so much and working on a project like painting the door should be a fairly easy task to complete without much interference.  

I am not someone that likes to alter or change my environment, once I have decided on how I want something to be, that tends to be it.  Yet there feels like there is something in the air that is drawing me make changes.  Things that I've accepted and felt okay with, no longer feel okay.  I want a cleaner, more streamlined environment.  I'm feeling a strong urge to be organized, no it has nothing to do with the fact that my daughter bought me the greatest labels for Christmas - maybe. 

All of my Christmas decorations are still up, I haven't felt the need to take them down, my plan is to do so on Saturday.  I want to pull all of my Christmas boxes out and finally clean them up.  So much clutter and "stuff" is stashed away it's time.  Every year Hubs and I talk about the need to take care of it, and every year we end up stuffing it away and saying we'll get to it in the spring or summer or... you see the trend right?

Last year would have been the first time I had the time to tackle it, but I was dealing with a new knee and two little puppies.  Neither of those situations encouraged the hours worth of time that I was going to need to spend. This year, it seems like the right time to tackle it. 

I guess I am as human as I fear, there are two times in the year when I feel absolutely driven for purging and changing things.  January and September, Spring is reserved for tackling my garden and outdoors.  But January and September are when I want to focus on the inside. 

Something about having a clean slate, washing away the clutter and debris that has been carried forward.  It feels rejuvenating.  I haven't put a lot of effort into quite a few things since Halloween.  I've focused more on the immediate, spending more time with family and engrossed in things that give instant satisfaction.  I gave myself permission to step back from a lot, and to just be in the moment.  

It's been fun, it's been healing.  I've allowed cobwebs to form in many areas, knowing I would deal with them in the new year.  Now that the new year has arrived, I feel ready.  I want to tackle the projects, I want to dive in head first.  I feel a need to actually mark things off of my to do list, not simply move them forward to the following week.  

It's time. 

As Hubs heads out to meet with folks and do the things, I will get busy. It felt good to work on my to do list today.  I felt complete.  The fact that I am sitting here typing, also feels full circle, I needed a break, I needed me time. Well, there are carrots to can, cranberry juice to make and a ton of other little jobs to accomplish today.  

It is definitely time.... 

love, prayers and hopes... 

deep thoughts...

The treetop garden is loving the rain that fell all night, hopefully I will see things starting to sprout this week.  There is nothing quite like the birth of spring.  Last night we were walking and I saw one of the biggest trees in the neighborhood covered with the soft glow of spring leaves.  It's such a beautiful color, full of hope and promise.  

The tree outside my window is in a hurry this year, the pretty little white flowers have barely burst through and the leaves are already sprouting.  This time of birth is so magical to me, I love experiencing spring,  bursting forth to it's fullest potential.  For years and years I only observed this time of year through a window.  Longing to be outside, praying for a break that I could go sit in the sun.  This is the first time in almost 18 years that I will get to fully enjoy the beauty of the season.  I am beyond excited. 

Today will be a mixture of cloudy skies and rain.  But we all need a bit of that to develop to our fullest. Right now I have a lot of family and friends that are going through that period of cloudy skies and rain in a figurative way.  My sweet little great nephew is struggling hard, they are trying to keep him healthy enough to heal so that he can have the next surgery.  It's tentatively scheduled for the end of the month, we'll see.  Little guy managed to catch the same virus that put him in the hospital less than a month ago, he's fighting to get well again.

I have to tell you, I am amazed at the strength, love and hope that his parents, grand parents and the entire family is showing.  I am only his great aunt, and I don't know that I am as strong as the rest of them.  I firmly believe the saying that you never know how strong you are until you aren't given a choice.  They are a living testament to it.  

I know that all I can do is continue to pray, offer any support needed and send all the positive healing energy I can.  I also ask friends and family to do the same.  

In a way I feel our entire world is going through a period of rebirth and it's painful.  So many things are going on that no longer feel like happenstance. They aren't coincidences and personally I am struggling with so many things that we have been "taught" over time. Slowly but surely, I am coming to feel that far too many things that seemed like national or global tragedies or crisis's were far more likely planned and executed.  So many things have been hidden and glossed over.  We've been told so many stories and lies.  

The more time I spend disconnected and not participating in the media and the social constructs we've all been programmed to accept, the more I feel I see it clearly for what it is.  We can't be here simply to work, sleep and do it all over again.  We are meant for far greater things, to experience life, to be connected to not only the earth but to one another, I do not believe we were ever meant to be so disconnected from each other or our beautiful planet.

Most of us are working strictly to benefit some major corporation or company.  We aren't truly benefitting from any of it. Even those of us that are blessed to work for ourselves end up giving more of what we earn to someone further up the food chain. When we demand higher wages, they simply raise the cost of everything so that we are no further ahead than when we began. Doesn't it strike anyone odd that there was a time a house payment was about $100 a month and people struggled to pay it?  A loaf of bread was a nickle?  And let's not even go into how much a gallon of gas was. I used to own a classic car, she was a beautiful 1963 Mercury Comet, I was the second owner.  I had her original bill of sale, fully loaded with the custom wheels, she was less than $2500.  Can you imagine buying a brand new car for that amount?  Today you'd be lucky if all the parts were included and it ran for that amount. 

Here's the thing slowly but surely wages have risen, in lockstep so have the costs.  While the margin of wealth of the average individual has shrunk.  If they raise the cost of your home, your vehicle etc it isn't because it is something of higher value, nothing has changed much in the value, but because someone needs to make a greater profit off of you the individual they raise the value and then raise the tax amount and interest that you have to pay to own those things. 

We want to believe that we are simply paying a small portion of our income in taxes, when the reality is it is far greater and we are actually only getting a small portion of our wages to do with as we please. It's a giant shell game and we are all the suckers trying to guess where the ball is. 

Someone posed a question the other day about property taxes and personal property taxes.  I've always been very opposed to them and struggle hard to process my thoughts around it.  When reading comments, someone had said... don't you find it odd that you pay sales tax when you buy it, you make monthly payments - if you couldn't buy it outright - and then every year you are paying a tax just to have your own property. Add in to that the taxes that you pay on gas.  I mean, seriously?  As I processed all of that I felt even more disgust at the situation. It's bad enough that every year just in time for Christmas in our state you get a nice hefty bill due by the 31st of December.  It's on any vehicle you owned on January 1 of that year.  And you pay the full year on every vehicle.  Hubs and I lost one and sold one last year in July, yet we still had the awesome opportunity to pay for a full year of personal property taxes on both of them. Talk about rubbing salt into a wound. 

Our Mayor is pushing for people to vote next month for Prop U.  It's to charge additional taxes on your online purchases.  Because people are shopping more online than they are shopping locally.  So they want a piece of that in addition to what you are already paying in taxes for state taxes, and oh yeah the country wants to pass one too. As I listened to him trying to explain the good the money would do for our community, how it would allow us to once again go back to not paying the $6 per month we pay for trash I started to really consider what he was saying. 

In exchange for increasing the cost of every item I buy online, I will save $6 a month.  So that they can have more cash available to pay for city workers salaries (they need to offer higher salaries), healthcare (they don't want to make them pay higher premiums) , etc in addition to allowing everyone in the city to stop paying their $6 a month for trash. And if there is anything left over maybe do some nice things for the city. So wait, you are buying a new city hall and decided that instead of just using the building as is you are now going to do some major renovations because you like nice things, but you are financing that on the backs of the community. 

Lets not forget that when people shop online they are not being fair to the local businesses.  Huh?  Is it possible that people shop online because the local businesses aren't meeting their needs?  That they are nothing but big box companies that tell you what you get to choose from (only allowing you to trade in your tokens for things they deem of need or value), prohibiting you from purchasing things that would provide you better health (yes, I know that is the government), that raise their prices and provide less?  That make you wait in line for an extreme amount of time because they don't have enough employees yet there are always three or four standing around not helping and socializing. 

All of it is messed up.  Think about it from a non-influenced place. When you step away from the mass delusional hysteria that has swept the globe it's easy to see that you are simply being used to generate money.  Because somehow, at some point money became far more important than people, the earth, our spirits, our very lives. 

I don't know where this birthing process will lead.  I am praying that it leads us to a better place.  Where we learn our value and not the dollar amount assigned to us, like we are cattle for some wealthy persons benefit. 

In my personal utopia we are self-sufficient, we look out for one another without the all powerful folks interfering.  Where we stop being so self-righteous and judgmental of our fellow man.  Where the last thing we would ever do is intentionally hurt another for whatever reason, and immediately make amends when we do so unintentionally.  A world where we rally around to lift those up that need it. 

I am not here to simply work, work, work.  None of us are. We are also not here to be controlled.  We've been conditioned to believe that if we don't have gobs and gobs of rules and laws there will be anarchy, chaos and destruction. I am questioning that more and more as days go by. I am beginning to believe that all those rules and laws are to control us, to make us unable to defend, feed and nurture ourselves. To make us dependent little sheep. 

I'm not saying there shouldn't be laws against harming your fellow man. But how different might life be if we hadn't had some of our own moral compass stripped away over the years? Besides, what kind of benefit is it to not allow the sale of raw milk in some states, the inability to raise chickens, the use of natural medicines, etc... That is about control. 

Wow, as you can tell I am in a bit of a mood.  Don't know why?  I just feel like so many things are becoming clearer to me.  So much is making sense that didn't.  I'm not sure if it is a good feeling or a sense of angst and semi-hopelessness at situations that feel beyond control. Beyond the point of no return. 

what a goofy way to enjoy their antlers...

Instead of stressing out about things that at this moment in time I cannot change, I think I am going to focus on sending healing love and light to my great nephew and go work on projects that I can impact while I spend a few moments extra enjoying my babies. It's a time of great changes, it's a time of seeing things with clear vision, it's a time of holding your own value and not letting anyone lessen it. 

love and peace... 

moments...

Anyone else have a headache that simply doesn't want to go away?  Or is it just puppies... seriously, it's not my sweet puppies, but I have had a lingering headache for about a week, I am totally over it.  I am wondering if I need more electrolytes or if its the fact that mother nature seems to be totally off her rocker this past week.  It's been everywhere from 50 degrees down to 6 degrees and today it is edging back up.  Seriously?  The world has totally gone nuts! Weather - check, politics - check, economy - check, people - rapidly hitting that point. 

I finished my special project yesterday and I am so excited about it.  I don't know if it is a surprise, so I can't show you a picture of it, just in case. I felt so unbelievably blessed making it.  I haven't done a project like that for literally years, it filled my heart to overflowing.   I needed that blessing yesterday.  My mood had been a bit dark and weary. I can't wait to show you it.  I am hoping I get to do more of them for other people.  It was so much fun. I'll show you next week. 

Today, I have got to knuckle down and start streamlining my chores around puppy messes.  The house feels like a non-stop disaster and I simply cannot take it anymore.  I think it is strongly contributing to my current fussy state.  I had gotten quite content to have my house clean and organized, I had a method to my madness, now I feel like I am back in the scramble to survive place that I was when I worked full time.  Because training and raising two beautiful babies is definitely a full time job. I think the only thing I have consistently managed to do is vacuum, sweep and mop floors.  

It's definitely time to organize my world. My day to day routine needs revisited, when am I going to do chores, when am I going to complete projects, blog, get my inventory going for my business?  I mean... seriously when? I haven't even updated my to do list in a couple of weeks.  By the time I remember my calendar I am off on another puppy chase or squeezing in something I have forgotten. 

I'm sleeping on mommy's lap, even if I don't fit!

I am still working on cleaning out closets, cupboards and all the other little spaces that I have been stashing stuff.  I am going to be making another delivery to my sister.  Anything she doesn't use, I know that someone in her church will. She belongs to a small congregation, they all look out for one another. Hubs is working on his closets too, it's simply time.  We've both lost too much weight to keep the clothing we have and frankly, I think out of sheer consumerism and desperation to survive life, we simply bought too much.  I have wanted a pocket wardrobe for a long time now, and I am working on creating just that very thing.  

I am working on cleaning out so much stuff, throughout our home and garage.  I prefer to actually give it to someone that needs it, but I am struggling with finding homes for so much of it, I think we have all just consumered ourselves to extremes.  Each time another bag of stuff leaves I feel a sense of relief.  I feel lighter. It's strange and I don't know how else to explain it. Definitely helps when keeping up with the puppies.  Now my crafting space - that one is going to be challenging.  I never want to part with stuff up there.  Instead of giving that away, the goal is going to be to use it up!  We'll see how that goes around the puppies schedules.   

Well, puppies have drifted back to sleep so it is time for me to tackle another project, I might even get some knitting done today.  I really want to finish this sweater. I also need to book the first comping trip of the year - Hannibal here we come!

love and peace...

be the garden...

Whew... I think we have been at a dead run for a bit now.  I got all of my "chores" caught up yesterday, we had a wonderful dinner with the oldest, her hubs and the oldest grand. And then we loaded up the back of our pickup with TONS of stuff for the new camper.  

The oldest just sold hers they weren't using it enough.  I think they were suffering a bit from the same illness we had the first time, their camper was simply too big.  You always think the kids are going to join you, that you are going to go on all these big adventures, etc.  Then the reality of towing a huge camper and no kids joining you kicks in and it stops being fun, it becomes drama and a chore.  That is why we refused to get a big one that was hard to tow this time.  Anyhow, they were awesome and gave us all kinds of stuff for our new home on wheels!  

aren't they adorable?

Sweet Hubs woke me up bright and early so we could take it out to the camper before he had to be to work.  Far too early for that.  I mean, not even a first cup of coffee.  I'm just playing, I was excited to get to spend a bit of time on her this morning.  Took some measurements, ordered sheets (I'm fussy about sheets) and spent the drive time searching for the things that will make it more personal and less.. well cookie cutter.  To truly make her ours!

After warming up my coffee I'd planned to head up to sew.  I have so many projects swimming in my head, and wanted to get busy.  Yet as I stood at the window, I realized the treetop garden was feeling neglected. I might have bothered a bunch of birds, but all the boxes are weeded, I harvested this years batch of cow peas and set them to dry (I'm thinking of planting a few more boxes with them) and finished tidying up.  

cow peas

I think the stress of the impeding surgery and my fear of not being able to do what I want is starting to dig into my head, hard! I know it will only be about a month that I will be completely slowed, but that month feels like years in my mental state right now, and the fact that I don't truly know the limits or constraints is making me a bit cranky. I remember Hubs through both of hip surgeries and I feel I can work around most of those restrictions, but I am not so sure about the knee.  Doc said it was harder.  I don't want it to be harder when "harder" is undefined. 

Okay enough of the pity party. It will be what it is, and what it is meant to be, right?

In a short bit, I will head up to my sewing room.  I have so many projects going on right now that I need some completion.  They aren't huge, but they are there. Hubs is almost finished with his project, it's going to be awesome!  But as he is a new quilter, so to speak, I need to be very present when he's sewing to help keep him moving forward. 

While we were in Paducah I stepped outside the box for me and finally bought fabric for a quilt for me. It won't take long to piece, I am going to use the same style I did with the one that my youngest grand has claimed, just bigger.  The shocking part is that it's for me.  I think I have lost track of all the quilts I have made over the years.  Every now and then in my sewing room I run across a pile of fabric leftover and remember another one that I made for someone else. There were so many I wanted, but I never got around to making.  I don't know that I will start this one until after surgery, I think I will use the time to clean up what's started so I don't stress. 

It's also time to start deciding on next moves. The slow two step is coming to an end, it's time to start lighting a fire under the ideas.  I need to start my Etsy shop and I am toying with the idea of getting a booth at The Painted Tree.  I just want to talk with my girl first.  I would like her help in bringing that to life, she is incredible at design and marketing.  Luckily, I won't be ready for a bit, because she travels like a crazed woman in the summer. 

For a few days at least, I am sliding comfortably back into my calm world. I have quilts to plan for several new additions to the extended family, I might have bought some adorable fabrics for those also.  I am so blessed and thankful for the time to create and follow my own passions and dreams. 

I also need to squeeze in a few soap making days, the stash is getting low.  Hubs is desperate for some avocado soap.  He won't eat avocado's without extreme protests, but he will definitely shower with it.  There are times he cracks me up. 

I'm super excited that I might be getting a commission to make a memory quilt.  I hope they decide to entrust me with their precious memory treasures.  Honestly, these are my favorite kind to make.  It fills my heart with joy and love to be able to help someone heal from the pain of loss.  To fill the stitches and work with positive love and healing energy as I create a quilt for them to wrap themselves in when life gets too big without the one you love.  The last one I made like that wraps my grand baby up in her Dad's love when she feels the need for his closeness.  There is simply something comforting about it. 

As I am moving through all these changes and different ways of thinking, I keep thinking about something I read something yesterday (several times ironically), "I'm tired of being the water, I want to be the garden", at first it confused me.  I struggled with it.  But as I sat with it for a bit and pondered the words I started to hear words from my reading in Paducah wrap around it.  I don't believe in coincidences, I believe that things appear when we are ready and we need them.  

2021 has been a year of changes and growth for me.  I can say growth now, because I realize the me sitting here typing today, is not the me of a year ago. I think I have finally realized that I need to be the one getting the water, the one that isn't doing for everyone else.  That has been my journey this year, I know that now.  I am definitely not finished growing, none of us ever is.  I am just finally learning that doing for other's (something I love to do) can be detrimental to me as a human if I am not also doing for me.  

My watering can ran seriously dry over the past few years.  I was mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted.  Yet in typical me fashion, I continued to try to pour out everything, into someone else's garden. I've learned it's not healthy, it doesn't make you happy and frankly it can't make other's happy either.  Because somewhere along the way you lose the spark that makes you magical. 

While there are moments I truly miss people that made up the every day fabric of my before life.  My current life fills and waters the garden of my soul.  

No regrets. Life should bring joy and happiness.  You should feel fulfilled, not drained.  My personal garden is being watered, is yours?

distracted...

I planned to write yesterday, I had the best of intentions to do so.  Hubs and I even got up super early to try and see the lunar eclipse and got some great pictures of the early morning sunrise sneaking through the clouds.

But... I made a mistake, I curled up in my favorite chair with a little project I had purchased on our first trip to Paducah.  It's been waiting patiently up in my sewing room, and while I was testing out my machine the other day it caught my eye. 

I finished the two quilts on Monday and was trying to gather the courage to start my block of the month.  I've discovered I don't have as much faith in myself as I should. That block of the month is in a style I love - I absolutely adore working on applique, it's the reason I picked it, I can get completely lost telling a story in fabric. Losing myself in the tiny stitches while "painting" with bits and pieces of fabric and thread. I hadn't taken the time to do that kind of work in forever!  

In fact the last quilt I did that way was a one I made for my boy a lifetime ago.  I was using the Overall Sam pattern to create the story of his youth up to that point when a dear friend of his drowned in a strip pit lake near our homes. The final block was one on he and Jamal shooting hoops. He loves that silly little quilt, it healed my heart a bit to make it.  But I needed to walk away for a bit to heal the rest of the way. I just didn't think it would end up being almost 24 years. 

As the block is going to be part of a year long project, I decided I'd better work on the small project to make sure I remembered how. 

I remember, in fact I remember and love it so much, that I lost almost 7 hours yesterday. Listening to an intriguing and thought provoking YouTube series and stitching away, I was completely oblivious to space and time.  It was incredible!

Until sweet Hubs reminding me that his healing tummy was grumbling for food.  I decided today I'd better address some of the other things in my daily routine before I gathered up the supplies once again to work on my little wall hanging. I should probably even do some housework, I may have reawakened quite an addiction. I didn't even make it to the quilting frames. 

I am not used to having so much time for the things that fill my soul.  It's strange.  I'm starting to think I am like a kid in a candy store.  I need to work on my self-control and focusing on all aspects of life.  I am developing tunnel vision.  Not good!  But oh so much fun!

I am still trying to develop a rhythm to my days.  Some structure and order, I know me.  That kid is the candy shop will go absolutely bonkers if allowed to run amok. Meals will not get cooked, chores will not get done, responsibility will not be my thing.  I need a framework that I have to follow.  Because I can forget about most everything when wrapped up in something I love.  

My mom used to get so mad at me when I was a kid, because I would easily chose to read a good book all day and ignore the world.  "Got your nose in a book again" was a common theme.  

I haven't been in this role long enough without distractions to have developed that theme, the flow or rhythm of life.  Week one was completely wasted, week two Hubs was on a scheduled vacation (his sis was supposed to come visit), week three I was starting to develop my normal - while getting ready for that dreaded yard sale, and this week Hubs has been home sick.  So... everything is haphazard and I might have to go back to being the queen of lists.  

Lists for projects, lists for meals, lists for chores and lists for bills.  Those seem to be my major categories that need focus. Is it ironic they as I typed it... projects was first?

Who knows... 

Sitting here in the midst of the supplies for my block I feel that I need to move away, start working on my chores and fixing the homemade chicken noodle soup I promised hub.  My eyes keep drifting to the threads and block.  My fingers are feeling drawn... I think I'd better get busy.  Because before long, I will find another series to get lost in while I finish up this sweet little picture... 

spilled dirt...

Guess there isn't going to be a beautiful sunrise today, at least not that I can see.  I'm sure that on the other side of those clouds it is breathtaking. We have storms moving in.  Bit of a double sided coin.  I cherish a good storm.  And the energy today seems to need that cleansing relief.  I also love to sit here in the peace of the morning and watch the glorious sunrises.  

When I walked out into the tree top garden this morning I was quite annoyed.  The silly squirrel caused a bit of chaos.  I was pretty darn angry with him at first.  That immediately switched to worry.  With the way the boxes had fallen my twisted little brain fully expected to look down at the bottom on the hill and see his mangled little body.  I would be devastated. I am not at all happy with his carousing through my garden pots, but I definitely didn't wish death on him. 

I must admit, the relief I felt at not finding him was ridiculous. He simply hit a road bump in his quest for food. I understand road bumps.  

I feel like I rested enough last night, the night before was simply too short. I'm not physically weary and worn today.  It just feels that the world feels a bit off.  I have a feeling today is going to need a bit more attention. As we move through this full moon and the mercury retro grade the world always feels a bit off. 

Yesterday I had decided I would finish that little hand quilted piece, I'd had to pull some of the stitches out and rethink the fabric.  It was a bit off, and I was seriously unhappy with it.  I'd hoped to bind it and be done yesterday, but the exhaustion I'd fought all day guaranteed that was not going to happen.  I have a firm rule that I will never do anything I can't undo when tired.  That means cutting fabric also. I will try to get it pinned out this morning before taking Hubs to his follow up appointment. 

I want this to be a productive day, I want to finish both of the bindings that are waiting for my attention.  One will be done on the machine the other will be done by hand.  For some insane reason I feel these need to be completed.  Then I want to put the other two quilts on the frames.  Although, I learned in my class on Sunday that I haven't been reading my batting labels close enough, and now I know I need to wash one of them before I use it.  I have never heard of such a thing.  In fact, I am fairly certain that I am going to be reading labels a lot closer after this experience.  I can also see me switching to a different brand of batting.  

Do you ever find in life that the more you learn, the less you knew? I am feeling that way about a lot of things right now.  Not really in a bad way, but in a "I seriously need to research" way. I was fairly confident in my knowledge of basics.  Now I realize there is a whole different layer of learning waiting for me.  

The class on Sunday was almost overwhelming.  I need to take time to transcribe my notes before I forget all of the information shared with me.  I am not sure how much of it would have made sense to Hubs if he had been able to attend, his sewing level is pretty basic and a bit rusty.  He might have felt far more overwhelmed than I did by the flood of new knowledge.  I am sorry he had to miss it though, I could have used a bit of his memory to help fill the holes.  You can only write so fast when you are balancing your paper in your lap. 

I think this gloomy day, might be a good time to work on that project, after I mow the grass.  

I was hoping Hubs would be feeling up to doing it, he can wipe it out in no time with his riding mower, but he was not looking too hot last night and his man cave is dark - my guess is he had another rough night of sleep and went down there to sleep on the sofa so I could rest.  While I deeply appreciate that he will do that for me, I am going to be the first to say he shouldn't.  The sofa is not comfortable to lay on, I can't imagine sleeping on it and he is simply not going to fight off this virus if he doesn't rest. 

I made a promise that I would not use the riding mower, it was not a hard one to make, I've had misgivings since we bought it.  Our property is simply too steep for my comfort level.  So I will use my trusty push mower.  It might take a bit longer, but at least I won't have to worry about tipping that dang thing over on myself. 

Transitioning from one mindset to another is definitely a big change.  I still find myself getting anxious that I only have so much allotted time. Fearful that I will not have the time needed or wanted to complete projects that are near and dear to me.  Forgetting that I have time to do all of it and I don't have to do things in a rush any longer.  I cherish having space in my life to do what fills my soul. 

My little squirrel friend is dashing through the branches overhead.  I keep catching glimpses of him.  His absolute lack of fear as he leaps from one branch to the next nearest is amazing. And a bit terrifying at the same time.  He is busy getting about his life, he didn't let the spilled flower pots upset him, he just found another source to meet his needs.  All in the space of a morning....

Well, time to sweep up the spilled soil and spend a few moments enjoying the tiny spot of sunshine that is bursting through the clouds. Time to reflect on my resources to my goals.  Might even spend a few more minutes enjoying the antics of the little chickadees that are nesting in the Harley Davidson birdhouse.  

inspiration...

The sun is gently rising here at the tree top garden.  It's a lovely morning, the air is soft and cool.  I decided it was the perfect morning to sit out in the garden, enjoy my coffee and write.  

I love watching the garden come to life.  The tiny sprouts as they break through the rich dark ground, the beautiful buds as they start bursting to life.  From where I am sitting I can see the bright purple flowers that will one day yield the black pod yellow wax beans.  The vibrant color against the green surrounding everything is so inspiring to me. 

It's peaceful out here.  The baby birds are starting to hatch, there has definitely been an increase in my small downy looking friends, they haven't quite learned to be afraid of humans, so they will fly up to the light wires or plant supports and look at me for a few minutes.  Watching them fly is amazing and funny. They are wobbly and unsteady, they haven't yet mastered the skills that will one day have them buzzing past, gracefully sailing from tree to tree.  

These past few weeks have been incredible.  I have so enjoyed the silence and beauty of my tree top garden.  Seeing it throughout the day is something I haven't been able to experience.  If the temperature would stay just like it is now, low 60's I would never leave my sweet little garden.  Unfortunately, this is the Midwest and as soon as the sun breaks firmly over the horizon it will soon be low 80's and I will be miserable.  I will retreat inside once that happens. 

I barely remember a time that I wasn't an early riser.  Seems like it was way back in my early twenties when I started having to be up early to go to work.  I have such a passion for watching the world come to life.  For the sun to break, the birds to start singing, to feel the energy as the world wakes from her slumber.  The critters I listen to in the early morning hours are very different than the night time friends.  

It's a bit more quiet here in the tree top garden than it is down the hill at my girl's house at night.  We share the same woods, our homes are separated by them. Probably less than a football field in length if you don't mind the craggy, slightly steep hill and small forest that is between. Yet at night when the sun goes down, up here it gets quiet, peaceful, still. The canopy life slowly tucks themselves into their snug little nests.  You can hear the steps of the forest animals, the raccoons, deer, opossum, sometimes the small red foxes. Up here, we rarely see them.  Sitting in her yard at night, comes really close to feeling like you are in a horror movie some evenings. It gets dark up here, but not understory of the forest dark. 

I envy her the large flat yard, the spaces that she can fill with all sorts of vegetables and fruits.  I might covet my child's gardening space.  I wouldn't trade her though. My world is filled with bird songs, her's is filled with a wildness that I find a bit disturbing.  I get an occasional skink or turtle visit and we have seen one snake up here since moving in, bless her heart she always has snakes (OK, I understand they are good for keeping pests at a low level - but geeze), lizards, turtles - did I mention snakes? And at least once a year there are several coyote that wander through, her yard is their resting spot sometimes. 

Nope, the tree top garden is more my style, especially as I get older and have a few more struggles with these darn knees. 

Sitting here watching the sun sneak higher into the sky I discovered that I also have a beautiful pea blossom. All of this beauty is making me want to climb the stairs and look for a quilting book I bought many, many years ago.  I can't remember the name right now, but I can picture the quilts so vividly.  If I remember right it is a mother and daughter team one is a photographer the other created quilts based off the photo's of nature. I couldn't help myself... I climbed the stairs... Jean and Valori Wells... and as I have three of their books, you can tell I love them!

Ugghhh... I have a few projects that I need to finish, I need a clean plate. I need to be able to focus on what is important to move forward without being distracted by the left unfinished piles. I simply need no more guilt in my life around unfinished stuff. 

My class yesterday was incredible.  I was sorry Hubs couldn't be there, poor guy ended up with a stomach virus, based on the silence from the man cave, I think he might finally be sleeping. I learned so much.  I am definitely on the right path.  Tons of questions were answered, so many idea seeds were planted that my head actually hurts.  I know the machine I have is not the machine I need and I am working on the plan needed to get the equipment that will make a difference.  

The tricks and tips were "worth the price of admission" as the instructor kept saying and honestly I think I met my spirit animal in her.  She was fun to be around, but her irreverence for the quilt police made my heart soar.  The quilt police alone are one of the main reasons that I refuse to join a guild.  I've had that experience far too many times. 

I am never going to be a quilter that follows the rules.  Art should be personal. Quilts are art. Being told what thread to use, how much and when?  No thank you.  Being told that I have to color inside the lines and if I don't mine isn't good enough.  Nope, that isn't how I roll.  My first grandmother's flower garden is 100% hand pieced and quilted.  It is made from fabrics that I never would have put into a quilt, it didn't matter.  I didn't have a clue how to make it, didn't know it was a very difficult pattern, I simply did it.  It was my great-grandmothers.  It is full of polyester (strange) and a mix of cottons (even some feedsacks) that probably do not belong together.  It is full of love and a rich family history.  I treasure it.  Any quilt guild around would have lost their minds. 

So much is spinning in my head and heart right now, so much research is needed, so much to dig through.  I am setting the intention that I will have the new longarm machine by my birthday month.  I cannot wait for that part of this new journey. 

I think it's time to savor my coffee, enjoy the view and relax for a few minutes.  Hubs is sleeping, the world is silent except for the critters and the random hum of vehicles and air conditioners. 

What kind of joy are you finding in life? Are you taking the moment to soak up the beauty and inspiration around you? How are you going to break the rules and live free and inspired?

clutter...

Good morning sweet dreary Monday!  I have a to do list a mile long, I am becoming addicted to cleaning out stuff.  And I have a bunch that has been packed up in storage for years that needs to be cleaned up before the yard sale on Saturday. 

Before I really dig in, I've done a bit of tidying already but the digging in needs to wait, I need a bit of me time first.  Hot coffee, the birds chirping (I noticed this morning we have a pair of hummingbirds that have found the feeder), and the surrounding silence are all things that I need a moment to savor. For far too long my world has been a series of rushing from point A to point B with a detour to D, M & Z and back again.  Okay now I am totally laughing inside my head, did you notice the letters I randomly picked? DMZ - being a brat - that will always be the demilitarized zone - was that a Freudian slip? 

I'm enjoying this slower more intentional life!  It feels calmer, I am far more centered than I have ever been.  I feel productive, like I am making a difference in my own life for a change.  I love it!  As I made Hubs' lunch and a hot breakfast this morning I enjoyed the calmness, the ability to take my time and provide for him.   Not that I didn't before, but it was different.  It was intentional. 

In a few I will go and sit out back and play my singing bowl, I will sit in quiet meditation and listen to the sounds around me.  I am resetting myself.  I am learning to listen to my inner voice.  It is sometimes a bit loud at the strangest times, like at 2:22 am when it wakes me from a dead sleep to let me know I am not listening. 

When in fact, I am hearing it loud and clear.  I am working on the more human aspects of pushing ego aside and having pure faith.  If you are in that process yourself you understand, if not, well just wait.  Because all of us reach a point in our lives where we will learn to step forward in pure faith.  Ego simply tells us not to because it thinks it is protecting us, it isn't.  It's stopping us.  As I gently thank ego for all of it's hard and dedicated work over all of these years, I am longing to lean further into just knowing and stepping out in pure faith. 

I have a tattoo on my right ankle, it is a beautiful watercolor, it says "What if I fall?  Oh but my darling what if you fly!" Those words have deep meaning to me.  Which is why they are on my ankle. I can only fall if I don't have faith.  I have always believed that, but for far too long I didn't put it into action.  Darn ego had me believing it was false. 

It's definitely a bit unnerving and a bit empowering all at the same time.  This week I will focus on cleaning up the past, starting fresh.  After Sunday, I know where my focus is moving to.  I know where my thoughts and heart are taking me. I will spend a bit of time this week reaching out to different groups.  Particularly the one that my reader recommended, finding out if there is a need or even an avenue of desire for what I feel drawn to do. 

I will continue to pray and meditate on it, so maybe it will stop reminding me in the middle of the night. 

As I reset and refresh it feels so good to my heart. As I learn to let go of my ego self and simply be, that feels even better.  I understand where my sweet boy is coming from when he says he would be okay staying/working at home forever.  The fact that I have not been exposed to many people and their energy has definitely been helping me as a person. I am afraid that for far too long, I gave too much to others and didn't save much for me.  As I was going through some old thank you notes I've saved today I notice a strong reoccurring theme... they all seemed to realize what I was simply blind to.  That I gave far too much and carried even more to help others down their road. 

I'm still going to do that, but in a far more structured manner.  I feel almost as good about this path and place and time as I did in Germany when I finally learned to say no.  It was so very hard to do.  When people needed help or wanted something done and no one else would step forward I always raised my hand and said I would do it.  That was how I ended up so involved in Scouts, PTA, yearbooks, wives clubs, etc.  At one point I had a complete inability to simply say no.  I believed everyone that said no one else will do it, I couldn't bear for those things to not happen.  So instead of healthy boundaries, I stepped in and gave too much of me.  I didn't realize the loss to my family, my friends or even myself.  I remember sitting up late into the night with tears in my eyes, simply wanting to go to sleep, but knowing there was a deadline on the yearbook and all those "dedicated students" that I was leading had lost the drive once it became boring and tedious. 

I've learned a bit more about life than I knew before.  I have also learned a bit more about my own value as a human.  I have far more respect for me than I used to possess.  I understand that as a human I am more than a machine for something I am not passionate about. I am a strong woman, but I am also okay leaving that title aside and simply being a human. 

Yesterday I made a tongue and cheek comment about I was excelling at being a 50's housewife (my sweet Hubs' ideal woman) and the person I made the comment to replied that I could never be a 50's housewife, I was simply too strong.  I've thought about that for a few hours now.  And I've decided that the truth is somewhere in the middle.  I have a passion for being a homemaker, I was denied it for far too long, but being a strong woman... that comes from being a wife, a mom, and a caregiver.  You have to be strong to be able to be all of those things.  

I've said it in the past, and I am going to say it again, I come from an incredible line of strong women.  There energetic power, strength and most importantly love runs strong in my blood and my DNA.  And as I am further discovering who I am and who I am yet to become I am thankful for each of them. 

deeper...

I have received some of the greatest gifts in the past few years.  I have learned so much.  I always feel that people and events come into your life when you need them the most.  Usually for the next phase of your journey.  

The past few years have felt very fluid to me.  Some things are clear as day, others feel hazy and as if they happened an eternity ago.  I'm a person that is very rooted in living in the present.  I suck at long term plans and I struggle to remember the past (sometimes as close as a few days/weeks ago).  I am happiest when my world simply follows it's natural path and flows. 

As I have learned more about meditation, energy work and self-care, I've also discovered the power I personally receive when I practice these things.  I don't think envy is the word, but I am in awe of the people I know that have spent years developing their skills in these areas. What a blessing this must be to them and those around them.

I had started working on developing Reiki skills, except I allowed those darn have to's to get in the way. I am considering starting that journey again soon.  The timing feels better for me now. I don't have so many commitments to others.  

I am enjoying this phase. The peace in my very soul is comforting.  Every morning for over a year, I have drawn an energy card.  I have focused on the same question daily, what do I need to know today. I'm not one of those people that goes to a reader with a list of questions, in fact when asked I never think of a single question, simply what do I need to know. I remember when I was introduced to these cards, I remember the feeling associated with them. I remember the wild and crazy thoughts that they introduced into my very being. 

Over the course of this time I have drawn several so many times that I felt I was a complete idiot for not understanding or that I was too simple to make the needed changes to be "unstuck", frankly I even considered that my deck was faulty and I was lousy at shuffling. Especially given that many of them revolved around needing to move away from the path I was on, that people I trusted should not be trusted, that there were powerful male/female energies that were basically harming me as I continued on my path. 

As life has evolved recently, they have shifted.  Eight days ago I pulled "door to personal healing and happiness", it followed a week of Archangel cards.  And since that day, I have pulled an increasingly heart warming and powerful set of cards.  Each one seems to be telling me I am on the right path. 

I feel comforted and strong in this understanding.  I feel blessed. I drew one that focused on community and loss, it was so raw and honest, I did lose a community. It was time to lose that community and now I am finding the people that are truly my tribe.  I am finding joy in continuing to have them in my circle.  

My circle feels stronger.  It feels bolder. Almost like a giant sharpie has created a border around it. Time feels more fluid than ever now.  Yet the time with my family, my friends and my tribe feels far more focused and fulfilling. 

When I wake up in the mornings I feel peace.  My anxiety is almost gone.  The stress of checking off boxes that have no meaning to me is fading. Conversations no longer drift guiltily to topics of depth and feeling, they intentionally start there. 

For so long I felt like I was living life floating on the surface.  Knowing there was so much more, that the colors and shapes below the surface were breathtaking and rich.  Yet feeling like they were out of reach, that in order to survive I had to keep floating, to keep playing superficial games and living in a bubble of superficial ideas. 

All the while longing for that place that was seemingly out of reach. 

For what seems like a lifetime, I have been the odd one, the square peg trying to fit a round hole, the one that just never quite fit. I was convinced that there was something terribly wrong with me, that I was broken. 

I don't feel that way any longer.  I am not so sure I was the odd one, the wrong peg or out of place.  I feel like I have simply been trying for far to long to be someone I was never meant to be. Like I was hiding my light under not only bushels, but rocks - afraid to let the world see who I truly am. 

Ahhh... the gifts of time, age and gaining unconventional wisdom... I will never be a round peg, years of trying have never softened and molded my edges.  I am never going to see the world with conventional eyes.  I don't do well with peer pressure and I definitely don't like being bullied.  I will give love and encouragement freely, I don't need anyone else to define me.  

In an odd way, I feel that I had to complete a very uncomfortable journey where I did not fit in, in order to be reborn as the person I have always known I was. I will proudly own the quirky edges of who I am, I want to color outside the lines and experience all of the incredible adventures this world has to offer.  I don't want to be stuck in a low vibrational state.  I'm tired of checking off boxes. I'm exhausted from being politically correct. 

I am finally ready to simply be me.  

discovery...

This 3:33 am thing is starting to get a bit strange, here I am awake and drinking coffee, I gave up on trying to fall back asleep.  I could probably go back to sleep, I usually get tired again around 5 am, but... I have to be somewhere in 3 hours and I am terribly afraid I could sleep through if I did.  So, it's hot coffee as I await the sunrise!

I am making a list in my head - soon to hit paper - I am the queen of lists and notes of the things that I want to do.  For so long they have been day dreams, a list of maybe someday and possibilities waiting to happen.  So much has been lingering, waiting for me to have time.  

Monday morning the beginning of a day of possibility. 

I love the beauty of this day, the gift of time and space.  Last night as I opened the small cabinet door in my antique phone table I felt like a small child on Christmas day.  I knew there was a partially finished project lingering in there.  A beautiful undyed natural gray alpaca yarn that I had long ago started knitting into a pair of finger-less gloves. I don't remember what delegated them to sit there in the bag the yarn came in.  I don't even remember how long it's been since I last felt the softness of the yarn in my fingers. 

I was so tired and ready for bed, but opening that bag brought back strong memories of the work and an even stronger desire to play.  Not too long ago I would have scolded myself and put it away.  I would not have given in to that pure joy.  Last night I refreshed my dusty memory of the pattern and let muscle memory take control.  About 5 rows in, I felt fulfilled and ready to rest.  I gathered it all in one of my zipper project bags, that thin plastic bag was not going to be enough to protect it as my travel project. I went up to my sewing room and found a better cable needle, one not so huge and easier to maneuver and added it to the bag as well.  I had made myself ready for today. 

Hubs has an appointment and I will be waiting for a good long bit.  I will probably complete one and start on the other, there isn't much of the right one to finish.

There is a feeling of excitement pulling on me heart.  I long to find all of my projects that have been set aside and never returned to.  It feels like the ghosts of crafts past are calling out to me.  Longing to finally be completed. When I finished the Spring Garden memory quilt over a week ago, I almost put another quilt on the frame, yep, I have that many that need attention.  I didn't because I was concerned that I would not have time to finish it before my sister-in-law came to visit.  I know that when she visits,  she will want to work on a quilt or two. She is a very talented quilter! The power of a completed project is incredible.  

Accomplishment.

These unfinished projects are battling for my attention.  Yet it isn't causing anxiety, it is bringing calm. Silently, out of the now quiet corners of my mind, I am remembering where they all are hidden.  Where they have patiently waited for me to have time. 

Not all of it is wrapped up in creating, even if I do have too many interests and hobbies, I couldn't be bored if I wanted to. I also have projects that I have longed to tackle and the time factor was never there.  When your world of "home time" is limited to two weekend days - if lucky - and all the things to prep for the week had to happen in those days, well... those bigger projects simply get shoved aside. I mean - who has the time. 

We have lived here for almost 7 years now, where has the time gone.  And there are still boxes that have never been unpacked, realistically they are probably full of things we don't need any longer as we haven't missed them in 7 years.  There are closets stuffed with items that need new homes, far away from ours.  They have been relegated to the back corners and in unused spaces.  I have longed to clean them, I was simply to selfish of any down time to tackle those things.  Too many things I have wanted to do, with too little time to do them.  

Now, I am trying to find a way to pace myself.  I want to do it all and I want it done yesterday. I am ready to jump feet first into new adventures and following dreams, and I will. I need to address this sense of incompleteness first. I need to be intentional and fully present, not distracted and off balance. 

Sweet Hubs is going out of town for a couple of days either tonight or first thing tomorrow.  I have a feeling I am going to be working on that list. I thought about scooting out of town, I decided against it.  I still have one more set of injections in my knees and don't want to risk making them stiff before I go in on Thursday.  I feel drawn to spend the time here in my beautiful home, alone.  It will be a first for me.  I have never been 100% alone in my home.  There has always been someone to care for,  husband, children, or pets.  

Two full days of eating, sleeping, playing, doing, when I want to, need to, feel like it... well that sounds very healing and intentional to me. 

Ironically, this sounds like a list of have to's, it feels like the purest definition of self care.  Clearing out the clutter externally and internally. 

I love this journey of mine.  I am so thankful that this is the time I am participating and experiencing in this great learning lab called Earth.