be the garden...

Whew... I think we have been at a dead run for a bit now.  I got all of my "chores" caught up yesterday, we had a wonderful dinner with the oldest, her hubs and the oldest grand. And then we loaded up the back of our pickup with TONS of stuff for the new camper.  

The oldest just sold hers they weren't using it enough.  I think they were suffering a bit from the same illness we had the first time, their camper was simply too big.  You always think the kids are going to join you, that you are going to go on all these big adventures, etc.  Then the reality of towing a huge camper and no kids joining you kicks in and it stops being fun, it becomes drama and a chore.  That is why we refused to get a big one that was hard to tow this time.  Anyhow, they were awesome and gave us all kinds of stuff for our new home on wheels!  

aren't they adorable?

Sweet Hubs woke me up bright and early so we could take it out to the camper before he had to be to work.  Far too early for that.  I mean, not even a first cup of coffee.  I'm just playing, I was excited to get to spend a bit of time on her this morning.  Took some measurements, ordered sheets (I'm fussy about sheets) and spent the drive time searching for the things that will make it more personal and less.. well cookie cutter.  To truly make her ours!

After warming up my coffee I'd planned to head up to sew.  I have so many projects swimming in my head, and wanted to get busy.  Yet as I stood at the window, I realized the treetop garden was feeling neglected. I might have bothered a bunch of birds, but all the boxes are weeded, I harvested this years batch of cow peas and set them to dry (I'm thinking of planting a few more boxes with them) and finished tidying up.  

cow peas

I think the stress of the impeding surgery and my fear of not being able to do what I want is starting to dig into my head, hard! I know it will only be about a month that I will be completely slowed, but that month feels like years in my mental state right now, and the fact that I don't truly know the limits or constraints is making me a bit cranky. I remember Hubs through both of hip surgeries and I feel I can work around most of those restrictions, but I am not so sure about the knee.  Doc said it was harder.  I don't want it to be harder when "harder" is undefined. 

Okay enough of the pity party. It will be what it is, and what it is meant to be, right?

In a short bit, I will head up to my sewing room.  I have so many projects going on right now that I need some completion.  They aren't huge, but they are there. Hubs is almost finished with his project, it's going to be awesome!  But as he is a new quilter, so to speak, I need to be very present when he's sewing to help keep him moving forward. 

While we were in Paducah I stepped outside the box for me and finally bought fabric for a quilt for me. It won't take long to piece, I am going to use the same style I did with the one that my youngest grand has claimed, just bigger.  The shocking part is that it's for me.  I think I have lost track of all the quilts I have made over the years.  Every now and then in my sewing room I run across a pile of fabric leftover and remember another one that I made for someone else. There were so many I wanted, but I never got around to making.  I don't know that I will start this one until after surgery, I think I will use the time to clean up what's started so I don't stress. 

It's also time to start deciding on next moves. The slow two step is coming to an end, it's time to start lighting a fire under the ideas.  I need to start my Etsy shop and I am toying with the idea of getting a booth at The Painted Tree.  I just want to talk with my girl first.  I would like her help in bringing that to life, she is incredible at design and marketing.  Luckily, I won't be ready for a bit, because she travels like a crazed woman in the summer. 

For a few days at least, I am sliding comfortably back into my calm world. I have quilts to plan for several new additions to the extended family, I might have bought some adorable fabrics for those also.  I am so blessed and thankful for the time to create and follow my own passions and dreams. 

I also need to squeeze in a few soap making days, the stash is getting low.  Hubs is desperate for some avocado soap.  He won't eat avocado's without extreme protests, but he will definitely shower with it.  There are times he cracks me up. 

I'm super excited that I might be getting a commission to make a memory quilt.  I hope they decide to entrust me with their precious memory treasures.  Honestly, these are my favorite kind to make.  It fills my heart with joy and love to be able to help someone heal from the pain of loss.  To fill the stitches and work with positive love and healing energy as I create a quilt for them to wrap themselves in when life gets too big without the one you love.  The last one I made like that wraps my grand baby up in her Dad's love when she feels the need for his closeness.  There is simply something comforting about it. 

As I am moving through all these changes and different ways of thinking, I keep thinking about something I read something yesterday (several times ironically), "I'm tired of being the water, I want to be the garden", at first it confused me.  I struggled with it.  But as I sat with it for a bit and pondered the words I started to hear words from my reading in Paducah wrap around it.  I don't believe in coincidences, I believe that things appear when we are ready and we need them.  

2021 has been a year of changes and growth for me.  I can say growth now, because I realize the me sitting here typing today, is not the me of a year ago. I think I have finally realized that I need to be the one getting the water, the one that isn't doing for everyone else.  That has been my journey this year, I know that now.  I am definitely not finished growing, none of us ever is.  I am just finally learning that doing for other's (something I love to do) can be detrimental to me as a human if I am not also doing for me.  

My watering can ran seriously dry over the past few years.  I was mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted.  Yet in typical me fashion, I continued to try to pour out everything, into someone else's garden. I've learned it's not healthy, it doesn't make you happy and frankly it can't make other's happy either.  Because somewhere along the way you lose the spark that makes you magical. 

While there are moments I truly miss people that made up the every day fabric of my before life.  My current life fills and waters the garden of my soul.  

No regrets. Life should bring joy and happiness.  You should feel fulfilled, not drained.  My personal garden is being watered, is yours?