no regrets...

It's a delightful morning in the garden.  Hubs had to be to work early, so it's just me and my coffee.  I'm sitting here amazed at the beauty, the softness of the weather (cool and no humidity?? what a blessing), the critters waking up ready to start their day.  While my critters gave up and went back to bed over an hour ago. 

The hummingbirds are darting in and out of all the flowers and plants, enjoying a bit of breakfast as they go.  The squirrels are running through the branches above causing a special chaos of their own, morning calisthenics I guess. All the birds are slowing waking, they are singing and talking amongst themselves.  And I find myself loathe to go inside.  I want to enjoy it for as long as I can.  The soft breeze carrying the sounds to me is refreshing, balancing, healing. 

The neighborhood is still silent, kids are sleeping in, yard crews haven't started working yet.  There is only the occasional sound of a car passing by. I am definitely in my happy place.  

So many things are grabbing my attention lately.  Forcing me to pause, reflect, reconsider ideals and beliefs.  Making me reflect on life as a whole.  I'm still piecing so much of it together.  My thoughts are still flitting here and there.  

I am sure I won't post this today, I am finding I need time to process what I am writing.  Sometimes they linger for days or weeks now.  While I think through my thoughts, my ideas, my hopes and plans.  I am finding a comfort in slowing down to a crawl, to completely leaving a rat race I never wanted to be a part of. 

If I could I would move out to the country.  I always wanted to be disconnected, too bad I didn't realize it when I was younger. At this point, it's not really feasible.  Hubs and I are getting older. I will be 61 in a few short weeks, something that seems absurd if you want to know the truth. Hubs is already 74.  Moving at this point is not a wise choice, the city holds things we need. Beau needs access to emergency vet services and not ones that are an hour away.  If he gets stuck in a cluster seizure it could kill him before we were able to get him to a vet. We simply need to be responsible.  Besides, we have a beautiful home, tucked into a beautiful quiet spot.  But a girl can dream. 

That being the case, we are finding more and more ways to step out of the insanity. We are creating our own little countryside home within the confines of an HOA.  Wow, if that isn't an oxymoron of a statement.  But it's the little things that create a bigger thing.  I long for a sense of community. Something that you can't really find in these times.  I long for time with people I trust and care about.  When our friends come to dinner or to spend time together it is so refreshing and soul healing.  

I am pondering so hard on a podcast I listened to while mowing the lawn.  I don't remember it word for word.  I don't have to, the message was loud and clear.  It was in response to the reactions many to Lindsay Graham's death.  But it could have been about anyone.  It was the synopsis of a book or paper written by a funeral home owner. 

It's been stuck in my brain on auto-replay since I heard it. He was talking about the 5 things he hears over and over at funerals. The things people say in front of him, because he is basically invisible in those trying times. I will probably get these wrong, and the order is definitely going to be wonky.  But in a nutshell... 1) I love you, 2) how will I survive without you, 3) Please don't leave me, 4) I thought we had more time, 5) I should have called.

Wow, just wow.  He said it doesn't matter how rich or poor, how beloved or alone the person was, those five things are always said by someone as they visit someone that has passed on. 

The same day I heard this, I found out that one of my second cousins had passed away that day.  I didn't know him well, I haven't lived in Pennsylvania since I was very, very young and then only briefly.  I slightly remember him from our visits home, but those are a blur.  I saw him about 10 years ago down at my mom's house, but the visit is vague and I was focused more on my great uncle and my uncle whom I adore.  What I do remember is that I have gotten a text from him every holiday since that visit.  Nothing fancy, just a Happy this or that I hope your family is well.  Most of the time I responded the same way.  I can't promise that I always did, because I struggle with doing that when I get a bunch of them.  I'm sure I forget folks often. 

I told you I wouldn't finish this, time got away from me and I needed to still think on it. 

Today, as I was tearing apart my beloved KitchenAid mixer the song "Leader of the Band" kept playing through my mind.  I have never torn apart a stand mixer before, but I am cheap and I do not believe in a no win scenario.  I was going to fix that baby if it killed me! Here it is 3 hours later, and I just finished cleaning up.  My mixer is ready for another couple decades of abuse, although I do believe I will be changing the grease a lot sooner next time!  

I literally almost threw up when I opened that baby up!  I have rebuilt and pampered 70 year old sewing machines that haven't been taken care of.  So you can imagine how horrible it was. I text my sweet Hubs the picture as I started and asked if he believed in miracles, because that is all that was keeping her working I assure you. 

Let's go back to that song.  My Dad and I loved each other deeply, many times my mom has told me that I am very much like him.  She's probably right, because boy oh boy could we lock horns.  We could fight like pro-boxers, shoot maybe MMA, the scars run very deep. I'm sure for both of us.  He's been gone for a good minute now.  Thankfully, I don't retain those kind of memories, I know the day but the year?  Who knows.  In my world gone is gone.  It still hurts, marking time doesn't change that.

Birthday anyone?

Pretty sure it's the first time I saw him.

Nothing like a trip to IHOP!

My Dad was a firm believer that we needed to learn any and everything.  Guess that is where I got it.  He was bullheaded and didn't back down from a challenge.  I was thanking him as I worked on my mixer, for all the times he insisted that I learn basic electronics, for his insistence that we all got a basic knowledge or motors and engines. I'm sure there are many lessons that he taught me that I don't consciously remember. But as I pulled the motor brushing's and checked them I could hear his voice in my head.  With each screw I heard him reminding me to lay them out in the order I would need to return them. 

My Dad was not a musician that I can remember.  He loved music and shared it with us. Saturday dance parties were often happening, and no I didn't inherit the dancing skill at all, at least not if it didn't pertain to ballet... But this section of that song has always been the part that plays in my head and heart when I think of my Dad. 

"I thank you for the music and your stories of the road.  I thank you for the freedom when it came my time to go.  I thank you for the kindness and the times when you got tough.  And Papa, I don't think I said I love you near enough..."

My Dad and I shared a love of adventure and experiencing all that life has to offer.  I remember so many times he forced us girls to experience places, things, history and life in general making memories along the way.  I say forced, because it wasn't negotiable, you participated.  But it wasn't forced, because I loved it all.  Until it was time to learn things like electric and motors.  I was terrified.  Although, I did try to model that for my kids as well.  Although, I didn't force things like electric and motors...

My Dad understood when I decided I was grown and ready to step out.  He wasn't happy, but he understood.  He left me a path home, although I didn't know it at the time. And he definitely let you know you had disappointed him and he could walk away cold.  I know I inherited that, although I try to control it.  I have at least 7 letters disowning me, and even more notes.  I didn't keep them all.  But some still remain. 

One of my favorite pictures

The last line, is the one that forever haunts me.  Did I tell him how much I loved him enough?  When he passed I was busy making a "career" - what a freaking joke.  I gave up precious time for people that wouldn't pour water on me if I was on fire.  But... I knew my dad was proud that I was accomplishing so much.  

I have tried very hard, since his passing to be present with the people I love, that lesson was painful and cut deeply.  I am not a great friend, I get lost in projects, ideas, dreams... and I do forget to make the calls.  I am terrible at checking in.  The people that matter to me are always in my thoughts, I just struggle to intrude in their lives.

I often struggle where my children and grand children are concerned.  Walking the line between being intrusive and present.  I pray they know that they are cherished and I am here for them while letting them live their best lives.  

I keep reflecting on the things that man shared.  I don't want to say those words to the people that matter in my life when the clock runs out.  I don't want to be haunted by worry that I didn't say I love you enough.  I don't want to let people wonder if they matter to me or if they crossed my mind.  And I never want to wonder what I would do without them.  If and when any of the loves in my life pass before me, I want that space to be filled with incredible memories, not the questions I have with my Dad.  I want the memories to not be tinged with regret.  And I want to be thankful for the gifts given, the knowledge, the joy, the bad stuff can linger in the background.  It's not a rich life without some bumps.  

One of my absolute favorites of my two favorite men!

Okay, this has been way too deep and I have a snigglet in my brain now... time to listen to a song, think about my Dad for a moment longer and get busy. I have things to do...

much love, 

b

tiny treasures...

Has someone ever surprised you with a tiny treasure?  A gift that simply takes your breath away with not only it's simplicity, but the generosity? 

Yesterday Hubs and I were doing our weekend running, with my wonky vision lately, I get a bit anxious running errands and such.  I know it's an irrational fear, but I'm good with my knight in shining armor escorting me on the weekends.  One of the stops was down outside of Arnold at Your Quilt Shop, it's my favorite shop locally.  They seem to enjoy the same types of fabrics that I do, making it so easy.  Not to mention that I simply LOVE the folks that are there.  Owners and customers alike. 

I had purchased a bunch of fabric and a pattern last weekend, but we were in a rush and they were super busy and close to closing.  As I wasn't starting the quilt anytime soon, I decided to simply come back for it later. 

My joy in this shop is immense, thankfully, I live no where close or I would be going back to work to feed my addiction.  It isn't just the fabric or the stuff they sell, although they definitely make my styles.  The people are incredible.  No one is a stranger, everyone is welcome.  Heck the ladies in the back room are usually giving Hubs snacks and keeping him entertained while I shop. 

Yesterday, during a wandering conversation with the owner, she asked if we liked fresh tomatoes, I mean who doesn't?  Then we started talking about gardening and the next thing I knew she handed me a bean pod.  Not just any bean pod.  But one from her garden.  One that has a lineage.  

Oh it's just a mild mannered unassuming red bean.  But it is from a line that has nourished her husbands family since before the great depression.  It comes from a line that fed them during those dark times.  I am so stupid excited about this little bean pod.  It's unbelievable. 

Hubs and I spent time yesterday plotting where those precious seeds would be planted next spring.  He's building me a raised box, one that will have an open bottom, and it will have a trellis for them to grow up onto, as high as they would like. I plan to cherish them, to grow as many as possible, to carry on the story. 

She also mentioned that the Roma is one of the meatiest that she has ever encountered and suggested I save those seeds as well.  You definitely know that is going to happen.  Honestly, my tomatoes have been a disappointment on many levels this year.  I will be making a spaghetti dish with the few that were actually not mushy inside.  The critters have enjoyed all of the "failures", it's just so disappointing, but there is always next season. 

Hopefully the roma's I grow next year will be from this wonderful gift I was given. 

I know it seems tiny, some might even feel it is silly.  To me?  It feels like a gift I can never repay.  Her hubby has started tending bees and we were able to buy a jar of their spring honey.  OH MY!  I actually had to make some yogurt last night, I cannot wait to enjoy that for breakfast on my freshly made yogurt.  It is the most beautiful flavor, she was explaining that it's because it was gathered before the bees started feasting on clover and the like.  It's from the first flowers of spring.  

The treasures that you cannot buy in a grocery store or even from a seed store.  

I am "patiently" waiting for the yogurt to cool so I can strain it and get it ready for breakfasts.  I will share a jar with my friend and my youngest grand - she loves it drizzled with honey and sprinkled with fruit and granola. I figured while I waited I would also work on a few of the things I've been putting off.  There is a big pot of broccoli cheddar soup on the stove right now, I will jar up some for a meal this week, but the rest is heading to the freeze dryer.  I think I'm also going to make a batch of sloppy joe's and a batch of what my Hubs call's Marty's beans (it's a recipe from her and he loves them!).  I'm also going to try my hand at making Chicken Mulligatawny soup.  We had some recently, and we have no idea how we have never had it before. Some of each will be put in the fridge for easy meals this week, some of which will be freeze dried, for camping, traveling, when I don't feel like cooking... 

In the midst of it all, I am going to take advantage of this beautiful weather and get my scroll saw out and cut out the hippo that my sister ordered and she is waiting, very patiently, for.  Now that the weather has broken and it's pleasant I have so much that I want to do.  That I finally have the energy to do. The heat drains me, the coolness makes me want to do all the things. 

The soup is done. Time to start the beans, they need to bake for a bit, so I need to get on it.  

I hope that someone blesses you with a tiny treasure, that you can experience the joy that comes with it.  I can't be the only silly one on this planet! Or maybe you get the blessing of sharing a tiny treasure with someone else?

much love, b

pause...

I'm melting... it is definitely cooler than it has been but high 80's is still too hot. I just finished the lawn and I am sitting still in the coolness of the air conditioning.  Sprinklers are working right now, so they need another 15 minutes or so.  The water simply does not seem to be sinking into the dry earth.  We sure could use a day or two of a steady soft rain.  The kind that calls to you to sit and watch it, to enjoy the sound, to rest in it's peace.  Yup, that is definitely what we could use. 

The "heat wave" has simmered, the autumn teaser is on it's way.  For all of this I am so very grateful.  I know it's a teaser, but looking at the giant acorns on all of the oaks in my backyard, gives me hope for a cold winter.  I am that person.  Don't hate.  I love the cold air, walks in snowfalls, quilts, sweaters and beautiful fires.  All of these things bring me joy.  This summer, I am beyond ready. 

I'm sitting here debating on what the rest of the day holds. I want to prep some soups to put in the freeze dryer, perfect for taking camping and as the weather breaks there will be a camping trip or two. The dog treats will finishing drying shortly and I want to be ready.  But... I also want to finish the quilt I started yesterday morning.  It's a simple pattern, but so adorable, I want to see it finished.  Of course I also promised Hubs I'd make him some rice pudding, don't you love the recipes that have been around forever? And honestly after an hour and a half of weeding, string trimming and mowing, I'd love to take a nap.  Ah day dreams. 

It will probably be a mixture of all of it.  We all know that I am as scattered as the leaves that are starting to fall and struggle to stay focused on just one project. The good thing is that my boss doesn't care. As long as it gets done, who cares in what order or at what time.  I love it. 

I was blessed with the gift of spending time with one of my closest friends yesterday.  I always tell Hubs that I don't have any regrets with my choices in life.  That all of those chosen formed my journey the good, the bad and the absolute horrible.  But thinking about it while mowing the grass this morning I realized that I do have a few.  They aren't huge, but I regret very much the times that I didn't have the ability to stop.  Sitting out back, talking, laughing, enjoying the hummingbirds.  There have been times in my life that those things couldn't and didn't happen. Those are the moments I regret.  I cherish the ability to simply be and to enjoy those moments with the people that mean so much to me.  

We didn't create world peace or solve a single problem.  But for a moment in time we chilled, we laughed, we remembered crazy and planned future crazy.  We talked gardens, herbs, life... you name it, we probably covered it.  My cup has been filled up so many times this week.  Time with Hubs, daughter, grands, friends, Pups... simple things that mean so very much. 

Take a moment for those times.  Sit outside with a glass of water and a dear friend or family member and make the time to enjoy those moments. A bit of day dreaming never hurt anyone. 

Time to shut off sprinklers and get busy with the rest of this day... what are you up to?

love, 

b

seclusion...

It's just a touch past 8 am... I already feel like I've put in a full day's work.  This heatwave (better known as summer in the mid-west) is in full force.  The humidity is unreal, making it seem far hotter than it really is.  I get up super early all the time, it's who I am.  During the season of ick, better known as summer around these parts it is a pure blessing.  I accomplish all of my outside tasks in the early morning coolness as the sun just starts to lighten the skies.

I have one set of garden beds that are still drinking in the semi-cool water, I'm giving that one a few more minutes than the rest.  My poor hydrangeas are seriously protesting this season, longing for the cool, wetness of spring time.  They are being complete drama queens, laying down each afternoon in complete surrender, offering up their tender leaves to the heat of the afternoon.  Pleading for an extra pitcher of water to quench their dire thirst.  Only to be fresh and beautiful in the morning light. 

Will the pretty blue make it... not this year.

Yesterday was spent in the kitchen, we'd picked up 20 lbs of Georgia peaches and 10 lbs of Washington cherries over the weekend and I needed to process them all. I still have about 5 lbs of peaches to go, but they are destined for a few cobblers and any that are left will be canned or freeze dried to savor later in the year when they are not readily available, we'll be able to open and enjoy a taste of summer.  

I've been experimenting with my freeze dryer, having moved on from making candies for the kiddo's.  Now its fruits and veggies.  I've fallen in love with freeze dried fruits, the intensity of them is unreal.  There is a batch of peaches in there right now, and cherries are on trays in the freezers waiting their turn.  If you have never tried freeze dried cherries, I highly recommend them! I started on the fruit journey a few weeks ago, when my dear friend and I crazily decided to go blueberry picking.  Over 11 pounds of fresh blueberries later, I definitely had to do something before they went bad.  Next I'm hoping to try some veggies, I've heard they are the most delicious chips when done correctly.  True veggie chips... 

This season has brought me another precious surprise, my Rose of Sharon is finally in full bloom again.  As I stood there in the quiet watering it this morning, I was remembering the first time I knew what it's name was and how much I treasure it.  My oldest and closest friend was here for my 50th birthday, and as we stood outside she told me what it was.  The next summer my grandson damaged all of them while trying to remove the honeysuckle that was taking over everything on the hillside.  I feared they would never return.

For years I've had a random bloom here, a random one there, but never a full covering of the beautiful flowers.  This year is different.  This year is brilliant. I just wish I could photograph it for you to enjoy, sadly, there are so many trees behind it that it fades into the background. I would love to have even more of them, anyone ever successfully grown one from seed?

skeeter plant anyone?

chocolate cherry tomatoes
maybe by July 4 

the holy basil is incredible this year
may be able to harvest for teas

I've really been wrapped up in my garden, yard and house this year.  I've felt a strong need to simply be.  I'm not engaging in much.  I'll glance at the news and socials off and on, but mostly I'm not.  I feel like so much is playing out all around us and I don't want to participate. 

Maybe that is selfish, I'm not sure.  Maybe it is more a case of self-preservation. I'm tried of the ugly, the insanity, everywhere.  I hardly go out and about because it is like a blanket over humanity.  I'm tired. 

I took the youngest grand to the pool the other day. I walked in circles in the lazy river, following her ever bobbing head as she stayed just ahead of me, I was subjected to so much taking place all around me. I was stunned.  The conversations, loud and obnoxious were distasteful.  The ugly was strong.  

I watched so many parents/grand parents... who knows maybe babysitters or siblings, show up with kiddo's not much older than our dragon.  They would put their stuff on a chair, tell the kids to go play and sit down with their phones, never once reengaging with their children.  I watched kids longing for attention, doing everything they could to get some.  It was heart breaking. Because when the cute stuff didn't work, they settled for bad and mean, anything to get the person ignoring them to have to engage. 

Waiting in line for her snack, we were forced to listen to a high school boy, intent on "impressing" the bikini clad girl.  The profanity in the midst of all the kids was so intense, he loudly vocalized thoughts on maintaining a job - disheartening, what girls wanted in a guy (he has a lot to learn I'm afraid), how school was a waste of time (hmmmm), and on and on, it was a long wait in the direct sun.  It was so bad that dragon asked to go play in the water nearby and she would come back when I got closer.  

There is just so much that is overwhelming.  I understand that things change, that each generation has to find their own rhythm and make their own rules, but dang... Young man, just showing up and doing as little as possible, is probably not going to move you forward to self sufficiency, especially since you feel that an employer cannot fire you as long as you are simply there.  

I often tell Hubs that it is our generations fault.  He's a boomer, I'm the first of Gen X.  We were the ones with the super strict parents, with good reason, but who can see that as a kid?  We were the original latch key kids, the ones that made our own way, as long as we were home when Dad whistled and those street lights came on. We rebelled, we didn't want that for our kids.  Hmmmm... wondering now if a bit of restraint in that area would have been good.  

a little nap on the ride home...

It all moves in cycles, the weather, growth of people, decline of people, money, economies, governments, education, the list is quite endless.  We are going through a very interesting time.  I'm sure we survive it, I'm sure we find commonalities and the like.  I guess I am becoming an old woman (yikes, I actually had the young kid at the pool tell me I was a senior the other day, I am still over a month from 60 thank you very much). 

For now, I feel strangely drawn to the peace I find in my own little spot in the world. Time with Hubs, chattering about hopes, dreams and plans. Puttering in the gardens, saving seeds for the next season.  Spending hours working on quilts and other art projects, feathering my nest with beauty. Spending time in person or on the phone with dear friends.  My life is full.  I don't need the chaos of the external world.

Before the summer is over, I hope to make a few barn quilts, I want to hang them on my backyard gates.  Slowly but surely we are creating a peaceful, sanctuary/outside living room on the lower patio.  Some of the work will wait until it cools in early fall.  

Now that the grass and flowers are growing where the Bradford pear tree used to stand, it's so enjoyable to sit down there. Once the temperatures chill off a bit, we will build a lattice wall to grow some clematis on. The one thing we've noticed is that in removing the trees we have forsaken a great deal of privacy.  A living wall will be beautiful. I may even paint a few smaller barn quilts to hang on the concrete walls, although I would truly love to paint the walls, the concrete is simply ugly. 

Ahhh... plans. 

Since Hubs is not home for lunch today, I'm going to plant up the planter he just got me and head up to the sewing room for a few hours.  I have a lot I want to accomplish and this brutal heat is definitely leading me inside to hide. 

I hope you are finding the pure beauty in your lives....

love and prayers, b

waiting...

This world feels like it is spinning out of control at an unprecedented rate. So many loved ones are going through so much.  The helpless feeling is almost overwhelming at times.  All I can do is say prayers and keep busy.  

If I stop the busy factor, the worry and stress creeps in.  None of it is within my sphere of influence, they are just parts of my heart, parts of my life.  I am finding myself slipping deeper into my quiet space.  A spot where I can function without losing grip myself. 

I have to say I'm beyond over people being ugly to others.  I'm tried of this weird entitled world that we somehow slipped into.  I'm not sure I really know how to function in such a place. 

Right now I am waiting on the freeze dryer to hit it's sweet spot and then I am getting back to being super busy on this rainy day. Hard to believe it was so beautiful yesterday at sunrise.

Do you have things you do when life is too big?  I find myself pulling inward.  I get quiet, I get lost in to do lists.  Things that are distracting and productive. 

I can't tackle the massive wood pile in the rain.  But that isn't stopping finding lots of things to tackle inside.  The rain is soft and gentle, while also being the kind that soaks the earth.  You can almost see the leaves unfurling in real time.  Each moment I look out it is a bit greener, soon I won't even be able to glimpse my girls house down the hill.  

I am struggling to determine what "busy" work I want to tackle today.   I have a t-shirt order that needs finished.  I also need to get that darn soap made, because we 100% are not going to go back to using the store bought chemical bars.  I'm still in the midst of working on Hubs' quilt and I just remembered that he committed me to putting together an auction basket for a veteran's fundraiser. 

I have regular daily chores to complete, ironing, dishes, mopping, ya know the things... So it isn't like I don't have things to do. It's simply a matter of pushing aside things and focusing. 

I am pup sitting for the lady down the street.  Her baby is sweet as can be, I'm getting ready to walk down and make sure all these storms are not causing her too much anxiety as my babies have decided to
lay down and rest finally.  Thunder storms are stressful for pups. 

Well sweet spot achieved (now we wait for a few hours), breakfast made for Hubs and pups, dishes finished... I guess I'd better get focused on the rest of that list, because watching for my grass seed to grow magically overnight, is probably a waste of time. 

Enjoy your day, I need to keep busy...

love and prayers... b

a simpler life...

I walked out on the deck a few moments ago to see if it was warming up and to check on my big boy, as a neighbor had just posted of video of a rather large coyote wandering in the common ground area.  A bit from my house, but close enough to be concerning.  I'm sure if I'd have been outside at the same time I would have caught a glimpse as there trees are completely bare this time of year. Not only was he perfectly safe, he was in his favorite morning spot. 

Just a short while ago, Beau had been voicing his displeasure at being inside when the sun was so obviously shining outside and he needed to start on his sunbathing.  He's a crazy boy, sun out, Beau out.  Seems to be his philosophy on life.  Belle, is a touch fussier, she requires at least the high sixties before she wants to be outside, Beau will stretch out on the snow if it means some sunshine on his body.  

My sweet girl is inside basking.  She lacks his double coat and the cold temps are simply not her thing... Florida anyone? Or at least her warm sweater. 

I figured as long as I was out there checking in and waiting on the tea kettle to boil, I'd check on the soil in the beds.  Last week they were still a block of frozen dirt, so I wasn't holding out much hope.  Even though the weather forecast is warming and only moderately cold nights, almost perfect for radishes, spring lettuce and sweet peas, I still was not holding my breath. 

I am happy to say, they are thawed!  As our spring weather and temperatures have been very short lived and fickle the past few years, I am hesitant to give my cooler temperature loving plants a go.  But, ya know... I have a bunch of seeds that I harvested last year, so why not try? In a short bit I am heading out to plant up a few boxes.  Maybe we will harvest before the heat of summer arrives in a blistering rush causing all of them to suddenly bolt and before any late season hail storms come thrashing through like last year. 

Hubs and I had such wonderful weekend.  You would think with our rushed trip south it would have felt a bit frazzled.  Instead it felt relaxing.  We both felt like our buckets were filled.  Yesterday we spent time driving back to Illinois, yup the roads are still the worst we've driven on, to visit his Mom and Dad's grave sites.  We ended up picking up a a picnic and enjoying it at one of our favorite parks we used to take the kids to when they were young.

Of course we know they aren't there, we also knew that we were doing it for us.  Yesterday was his Mom's 102nd birthday, as I said.  Tomorrow is his Dad's 122nd, not sure he will be able to get over there tomorrow, as it's a work day and he always has a lot going on at the beginning of month.  It's also, the seventh anniversary of Dad's passing.  I cannot believe it has been so very long.  Some days it feels like yesterday, others it feels like a different lifetime. 

Strangely, I feel that anniversary has more to do with my quest for a simpler life than most anything else.  I've always craved the life we strive to live now, but I was always so wrapped up in the norms, the quest for more without really understanding what "more" truly was.  In Dad's final year, months, days I wanted to be there so much more.  I wanted the time that can never be replaced.  But I wasn't living a life that allowed that. 

I was caught up in a career that demanded long hours, in a place and time that required my own wants, needs and life to take a permanent back seat.  I thought it was normal, assumed that was simply "how life was". Honestly, it was the world my Dad kind of pushed us to think was normal, the kind he approved of.  As a result, I only spent that last bit of time with him via messenger and text messages.  I lost things that cannot ever be replaced. I wasn't there to support my mom and sisters, I wasn't there to sit with him.  I lost those chances forever.  They cannot be replaced. 

I also realized at that time that I was losing more than just that. The quest for "more" was actually providing less.  As the world spun out of control in 2020, it became even far more obvious, you simply cannot buy happiness.  All the career stuff, couldn't fill the voids the dedication was creating.  

Fast forward to this weekend. There was no angst about being able to go, we took it slow, even though it was a fast little vacation. In pausing for Beau, we were able to savor the smaller things.  To have endless conversations about what life was like living in some of the small towns we passed by.  How they could possibly survive financially without industries and lots of businesses.  

All of that ties in with so much that has been running through my thoughts for months, heck probably years now.  We don't need "more" of the wrong stuff.  We need more of the right stuff.

Those small towns appeal to me in a way I cannot describe.  I don't feel I will ever live in one, for many reasons.  But my "more" is probably the strongest reason.  Our grands are within walking distance.  Those calls, hugs and time spent together are precious to me.  I didn't have that gift growing up, I always felt a bit of a loss in my life as a result.  Don't get me wrong, I would never give up the magic that I was able to experience growing up, the depth of cultures, experiences, life and knowledge that I was given as a result of being a military brat and dependent.  

What I missed out on though was the extended family.  That string of people that were connected by more than a common location.  The connection of the blood, shared memories, support, the bonds we didn't make. The roots. Sure we have them and love them, but for the most part they don't know us and we don't know them.  The common ground isn't the same.

I cherish those deep roots more than anything else.  When I get a call to be there for one of our grands, or if our girl needs something and I am able to help, or even something as simple as Hubs wanting to go to lunch together and I have the ability to simply tidy up from whatever I am working on, brush my hair and rush to do it.  If my sister or niece that are local call, I have a flexibility that I've never had before. When there is an urgent need to be in Arkansas or even Alabama or California, I can go. I can be the anchor, rock or life preserver for my loved ones. Those things are powerful. 

Those are the things that matter, at least to me. 

I might be imagining it, but I doubt it, those small towns haven't forgotten about those simpler things. They haven't disconnected from the things that matter in the pursuit of "more". They appear to be focused on the real more.  

As we walked with the pups through the beautiful late winter sunshine at the cemetery yesterday, both of us regretting not bring a rake and some bags (long story about a cemetery and greed), I kept remembering Hubs marveling at the beauty and upkeep of the cemetery's in the small towns we passed.  How beautifully maintained and respected they were.  

I don't know that the cleanliness and maintenance are for those buried there.  They have long since quit caring.  To me, it feels like it is for those left living, for those that carry on the memories, hopes and dreams.  Because in a way we are all a continuation of those that came before us. To me the disrepair and chaos feels like those memories are being disrespected, somehow minimizing the feelings of those left behind. 

They seem to honor the long lines that bring them to where they are today in a way that seems to be falling by the wayside.  When I was down in Arkansas, I couldn't help notice, that my sisters probably have the same feelings I do.  Oh the experiences our tiny family (if you call 6 tiny) had, but watching them living their lives, I felt a stronger sense of oneness an unbreakable bond. One lives super close to mom, her kiddos are super close too.  She is married to her best friend and has formed a community of close friends.  Her own virtual small town, in a way.  Their common interests and bonds carrying them through thick and thin.  

The other one truly lives in a super small town, okay, nope she lives in the middle of nowhere (I will admit to serious envy here - but in a good way).  Hubs and I were stunned when one of the two roads to her house was semi-paved.  Didn't think we'd ever see that day.  She is also married to her best friend, her kiddo's all live within a short drive in equally beautiful remoteness.  The bond between them is unshakable, the cousins are all close and connected. They also have that web of friends that are important, but their family bond is unbelievable and powerful.  That sister is currently my contraband supplier... fresh eggs! I wonder if she knows how wealthy that currently makes her?

My sister that lives up near me, has been in this area, shoot almost the same house since her early teens.  She has a spider web of super close family and friends that surround her and her hubby.  Again, seems like we all marry our best friends. 

In regards to my sisters I am the outlier.  I spent several decades living the life we grew up in.  My roots are fairly shallow still, even though I stopped bouncing around 23 years ago.  But due to that obsession with perceived success, I don't have many friends, the roots are just starting to spread. I am just now starting to understand, experience and treasure the simplicity of now.  

I stink as a friend, I lack the ability to focus and be present.  I want to, but I don't have the life skills that support it.  My dearest friends and I have been part of each others lives since the 1980's, but we don't touch base that often, we don't live in the same areas of the world.  Although, if any of us needs the other, we can call, text or message and we will be there. It's a different kind of friendship. 

I'm slowly learning to be a real life friend, it's a skill I am not sure I will ever master, as I am most comfortable on my own, in my family centric bubble. 

Just the same, I have found in this simpler life my more. 

The slowness of it all, makes it richer.  I am getting ready to start a hot lunch to feed hubs, the meal isn't as important as the time.  Being able to be on call to go and help in Arkansas if the need arises or to drive a grand to work, or to attend an activity.  That is where the more comes in. 

I like to believe that those folks living in small towns are able to lean in to each other, to support one another, to understand that "more" isn't something you purchase with dollars.  It's something you can only purchase with yourself. 

coming home...

It is wonderful to travel, to be part of family events and enjoy your loved ones, even if it is a quick trip that only lasts a couple of nights. As I slid into my own comfy bed and pulled my weighted blanket up, just where I like it, I couldn't help but feel peace. Our trip to Arkansas was a fast one.  My baby sister is a care giver and needed to be able to get back and take care of her people.  It's all good.  At least we were able to celebrate with family for a moment. 

Sadly, families are often separated by great distances, time together is fleeting and often rare.  Each of us busy in our own bubbles, living our lives to the best of our abilities. For a moment as I was pondering where that thought would lead, I started to stay unlike in times past.  But truthfully, when you really think about it, families have always separated.  If they hadn't countries wouldn't have been discovered, migration would never have happened, shoot go back to the Bible, or further, folks have always been moving and changing.  It's simply life.

As I jumped back into the doings yesterday, it occurred to me that I have one month from tomorrow before my craft event.  I needed to stop being frozen by fear and really start working.  I dug around in the garage and pulled out the old fan blades, I still have a few that I need to strip the hardware off of so that I can clean, sand and paint them.  I have seven of them in progress at this moment.  Need to wrap those up first.  I simply ran out of counter space.  This morning I need to pull out the saw and do a bit of cutting, I am using up some old scraps of wood to make stems and hat brims.  

work in progress...

work in progress...

Waste not, want not.  

I also found myself stitching for a bit while watching a bit of television with my sweet hubs as we wrapped up the day.  Almost have another hat finished and ready to tag.  

It made me smile yesterday and today when my sweet hubs woke me with a cup of amazing coffee and asked if I was going to be working today.  He was being so supportive and sweet.  He knows that I work hard taking care of him, the pups and our suburban homestead.  It was his way of acknowledging my creative side, of supporting my dreams.  

Beau definitely disapproved of mom being gone

While I was in Arkansas, instead of relaxing and taking in a couple of movies and a few hours at the cigar lounge like he had planned, he spent his time making things easier for me. He cleaned up the cantry and added another set of shelves.  He rearranged the man cave and my work space to give me better access in a way that didn't cause me pain.  He cleaned up the entire house so I didn't have to worry about it when I got home. 

work room improvements

there is a middle shelf now

He started to put a light that he had gotten me into my sewing studio, as I had voiced a concern with how dark it was on the one side of the room. One step into the mayhem in there and he walked right back out, terrified of moving something, knowing that while it looks like a chaotic mess at the moment I know where everything I am working on is.  To be fair, I walked in yesterday morning because he was hoping to finish his honey do list and put it where it needed to go and even I turned around and said not today.  Sometimes, you have to honor your limits.  We both respected that. 

After all of that, he even got 11 clocks made for the event.  I am fairly positive he didn't get much rest in, I am equally positive that I appreciated all of that effort more than he could even imagine.  

I was catching up on the garden a bit yesterday and today, harvesting, cleaning, getting ready to plant a fall garden.  I think I am finally going to jump in and plant garlic.  It's been on the list forever, just never felt confident enough to try it.  Tomorrow I think I will harvest what is left of the potatoes, today was the green beans.  They are pretty much spent. All the rain of the past two weeks has definitely stressed some of the garden to the point that harvest season is just about over.  

We all know how sad it makes me to see the garden fading away each year.  Today I will slice up a few more of the masses of tomatoes and get them in the dehydrator.  We've discovered they are amazing as a veggie chip and that way there is no waste. I am also going to use the last of the green beans and add them to a mixture of veggies and make up a huge pot of veggie soup.  I'll can most of it, so that in the cold of winter we can remember the flavors of summer.  

I also harvested a fairly large amount of jalapeno's.  Not enough for cowboy candy, but definitely enough to make up a batch of jalapeno jelly.  And I am starting to run low on that.  The colors and flavors will pop, it will taste great and look so pretty.   

do you see him?

I don't know if you can see my little friend from the garden, this year has been full of surprises, including the baby copperhead snake I almost ran over while mowing last week.  This had to have been the biggest dragonfly I have ever encountered.  Easily the size of my palm. The green bean hanging beside him is over 5 inches long.  He was resting in my green beans as I reached in to harvest.  I'm not sure which of us was more startled. 

Belle deciding sitting on the humans
is okay...

Well, as much as I am enjoying sitting here being lazy, I am also deeply enjoying being back in my space working on all of my projects, taking care of our home and garden.  I love to travel, to visit, to savor the moments.  I equally love to come home again...

Happy New Year!

Anyone else feeling like they blinked and 2022 was simply gone?  It sure felt like it flew past, we'd barely celebrated New Years Day 2022 and blink... It's already past New Years Day 2023.  We spent the evening outside around our fire laughing and talking, until we decided that 9 pm was definitely late enough for us. 

Last night we gathered with the girl and family and friends to simply enjoy one another, talk and laugh. 

This has been a strange, wonderful, emotional, happy, melancholy, busy, engaging and relaxing holiday week.  After the way Christmas eve started, I wasn't holding out much hope.  Yet, even though Hubs was a busy guy for Christmas eve, Christmas day and the day after, it slid back into a sense of normal.  We've spent time with lots of family, either in person or virtually.  

We loved on our puppies, who had a great Christmas holiday and are currently wrestling on the ground over the Christmas Carrots the girl gave them.  They are toys that surprisingly they both love.  We enjoyed watching them open their presents and laughed at them figuring out if they brought Mom the empty Kong's they suddenly got filled again. 

Somehow those sweet babies went from tiny little bundles of joy, to full grown snuggle bugs. In just a years time. 

 Today is the 8th day of Christmas, only 4 days left and then I will take down the tree.  Today, we will celebrate again with family.  It was supposed to be Christmas with the girl and her kiddo's, but in true family fashion, we decided to celebrate yesterday, today will be the extended version and we will all gather for a final Christmas dinner.  Both of our eldest girls, some friends and a final meal with the eldest grandson before he heads back south.  

Life has definitely had a unique flavor lately. 

I have to say this has been one of the greatest Christmases ever.  It was far more about gathering with family and friends than it was about how much everyone could manage to spend on things that none of us needed. 

The gifts have been full of practicality.  Things that have been wanted or needed.  Useful, with whimsy thrown in for good measure.  All of us exchanged things that were practical.  Nothing was shoved into a closet for lack of a place or need for it.  I almost refused to go anywhere on Christmas day, I was so snuggly in my new weighted blanket.  I have thought about getting one for literally years, had a million reasons not to. Fears that I would not like it, would be too warm, that it would be uncomfortable.  Thankfully, Hubs remembered that I have wanted one forever and didn't listen to my fears list. I am in love!

My youngest grandson absolutely wowed me with his gift.  The first he's ever personally bought me.  And that incredible young man bought me mason jars! How incredible and thoughtful is that?  He got his grandpa fishing lures complete with a promise to go fishing this year.  We gifted him his annual lasagna, he loves it and looks forward to a whole pan that belongs just to him. 

Before I go and make the the pies for dinner tonight, I wanted to take a moment.  I've been reading a bunch of things that people are sharing.  So many are filled with sadness and loss, reflecting on a very hard year for them and a struggle to look forward to 2023.  

Reflecting back, I can't say I share their feelings. Was it an easy year, absolutely not.  There have been so many struggles for so many, since 2020.  But it was a blessed year.  It was a year of wonder and grace.  I didn't love the cost increases, I wasn't a fan of the non-inflation (get real folks - we did learn basic math when we were in school), and my heart has hurt at some of things I have watched being pushed and happening. 

And then... Because the "and then" is the magical part.  Of course the world vision being forced on us has been hard, painful and uncomfortable.  Pretty sure that is the plan.  It's the other things that have been wonderful.  The growth, the learning, the bonding tighter with family and friends.  The worse the outside world feels, the better the inside world gets.  

I've eliminated a lot of unnecessary external things.  I focus on my Hubs, our kids and grands, our pups, our family and friends and God's hand and blessings in all of it.  We made unexpected trips for wonderful reasons.  Hubs made a quick trip down to Alabama to see his sister and surprise our great-nephew for his birthday.  Both of us and our pups decided to make a quick single day trip to Arkansas to celebrate the one year birthday of the littlest great nephew, that birthday was prayed so hard for.  

As we are eliminating the unnecessary, we are able to celebrate the important with greater joy and presence. I'm looking forward to 2023.  Do I believe it will be more of the same externally?  Absolutely!  In fact I think as long as we allow it to, this is a journey that will continue.  But as I bowed my head to thank God for all of the blessings of this past year, I felt a calmness, a drawing closer to what is truly important.  Hint... It can't be found in the world we occupy. 

I am looking forward to changes that I have been making for almost two years, growing by leaps and bounds.  I am embracing the unknown and taking back control. I am feeling far more confident, I can feel the power that comes from spending more and more time in God's word and understanding that we have had the power to change our lives all along. 

I'm taking a bit of time as this year starts to wrap up projects left over from 2022, to plan out my hopes and dreams for the coming year and to just relax.  I have big plans for this coming year.  So much is in progress. 

As I pray for the things being left behind in 2022, I choose to look forward to 2023 with hope, love, optimism, faith and joy.  Words have power, even the ones we speak to ourselves.  So I am choosing to speak the life I want into existence.  Here is to a powerful year!  Anyone else stepping into the power with me?