patience...

It's another beautiful, mild summer morning.  The kind that is full of promise, well until at least noon, then it will be warm and humid.  I'll take it.  As I've been moving through my morning, I've had  overwhelming thoughts today.  The word slow, it feels like a mantra today.  Slow. 

It's been just over 4 years since I came home to be a homemaker.  It's been such a beautiful transition.  This morning as I flitted around, watering the gardens and grass, harvesting the first blackberries after 2 full years of babying them, fixing breakfasts and starting ice cream for dessert I feel content. 

I feel like I am finally at the spot I've always wanted to be in, I just took the seriously long way around the block to get here. The slow road. 

Even when we are tiny kids going into kindergarten, we are being programmed, our schooling is so much different.  I was watching a beautiful video the other day of children in a Chinese kindergarten, I wished that peace for all children starting on their journey of learning.  They were painting, drawing, weaving, sewing, doing embroidery, cooking, gardening, creating in all manner.  No one was being taught to sit still, there were no circles it was a warm and inviting place full of curiosity.  I was so enthralled I watched it over and over again.  Outside of school that is how my own grands have been raised.  To try things, to enjoy learning at their own pace and with a self driven passion.  It's nothing to find the Dragon using power tools and painting or planting a garden that her mom isn't aware of until it's there. 

Now I have no idea what happens outside of that small snippet of time and it wouldn't have mattered where in the world that video was taken.  It was the beauty of watching the learning and growth. I might have a very different idea of education, if I had been in the space I am in now when my children were young, I am sure that I would not have sent them to public schools.  I would have definitely had free range kids.  

But that isn't what this is about.  I feel, and maybe fear, that we have been completely programmed to be worker bees.  To be productive, to feel comfortable and safe in a 9 - 5 window of time, being told when we can use the restroom, take a break, eat our lunch.  Free thinking and doing things the way that you feel most creative and productive is frowned on.  

I didn't like school.  It brought on strong feelings of control, I felt claustrophobic.  I felt that we were forced to fit into spots that didn't feel natural.  I was that kid that sat there, daydreaming, staring out windows, doodling, being anything but productive. It felt like punishment.  Square peg in a round hole syndrome.

I've spent 4 years unlearning a lifetime of programming.  When to sleep, when to wake, when to do, what to do, who to interact with, who to avoid.  In these four years, I've been solitary for a large part of the time. There have been a handful of friends that I have allowed into my space. A space filled mostly with my sweet Hubs and my pups.  

the center of my world ❤

It's been slow.  

I sleep when tired now, it's not unusual for me to be up in the middle of the night, or taking a quick nap in the afternoon.  I don't live a "schedule and time" philosophy any longer.  I have to work hard to remember what the day of the week is.  Not because I worry about a Monday - Friday schedule so much, but because I don't care.  As long as we remember to put out the trash once a week, I'm good.  Yet, in this midst of not caring, I am busier than I have ever been, and feel my spirit soaring from it all.  I take days of rest, today is one - after a string of days of heavy and intense work, I am weary and plan to sew and/or paint the day away for the most part.  I will still make meals, I still tidied the house, but I am making time for beauty in my spirit and world.  I am going to spend time creating.  I need it.

The days of squeezing in must do's on the "weekends" made life far more stressful.  There was no peace in that, no time for the spirit to recharge, to reconnect with self and earth. 

how cheerful is that?

Sometimes Hubs spends weekend time helping me with projects that are bigger than I can handle alone, like this weekend when we rebuilt our little front bench.  Taking it from worn, broken and tired.  To sturdy and vibrant red. We started it early in the day on Saturday, scrubbing, replacing wood, sanding it and then painting it.  We'd moved it into the garage as the weather was spotty.  Sunshine, rain, sunshine, huge storm.... that was the rhythm of the day.  As we waited out the last two meds of the night for our Beau, we sat in the garage together, talking while painting.  It was priceless time.  I didn't need his help by that time, I cherished and needed his company and the quiet uninterrupted time together. 

see the old tired color in the corner?

We used to do that more when we were younger and I hadn't started working outside our home.  Then as my career choices started to consume our lives, it faded into a blur of exhaustion and disconnection.  Thankfully, while his career has spurts of time where he works stupid long hours and our life is semi on hold, it is rare.  He has a flexibility that I did not have.  For me there was a time that a promise of lunch together never happened.  He would show up with lunch for us and end up eating alone as I worked through that precious time. 

Now, because of the changes, we have lunch together about 98% of the time, we spend our mornings together and evenings belong to us.  As does much of the time during the day, even though he still works full time.  We have flexibility to chat throughout the day, to see each other at odd moments.  My "job" allows me to pause whenever he has a spare moment.  To dip out for an ice cream in the middle of the afternoon or simply pause and enjoy one another's time. 

Slowly, much like the garden grows, life has evolved into something precious.  As I picked the first blackberries this morning in the early morning dew before starting the sprinkler, I couldn't wait to share the bounty with Hubs.  He'd been doubtful we would enjoy any of the harvest. Birds, deer, bunnies, he figured they would enjoy it long before we did.  His reaction to the little basket of berries was priceless. We've watched them for months, from flowers, to hard green baby berries, to soft red, to deep red, to black... it's been slow, it's been calming.  

The lessons we've learned from the garden.  

As I watered this morning, I took note of the changes.  I have so many baby tomatoes, peppers, jalapenos, there are more green beans to pick.  At least in the treetop garden.  I think the neighbor had her yard sprayed for broad leaf weeds on a windy day, all the green beans in the lower area are struggling hard.  The leaves are shriveled, there are no flowers, they are still growing, but painfully. 

first harvest of the season

I don't understand why we feel compelled to spray chemicals around us.  To poison the earth, to destroy.  But that is their choice not mine.  My yard is never going to look like a golf course, for which I am thankful. At night I have the joy of seeing firefly's, although my neighbors yards are missing them.  I have tons of bees of all types buzzing about.  The Japanese beetles are the bane of my garden, but I will silently pick them off my plants in the early hours when they are still and dispose of them in a bucket of soapy water.  They are not native and are destructive to our ecosystem. 

Guess it is kind of like we are programmed to do the things.  We are programmed to want that pristine lawn.  So many things like that are everywhere now... the sadness....

Before the sun ever rises, most days, Hubs and I have already shared some of the richest time of the day.  I will have tended gardens, prepared breakfast, we slowly move through a space that is there to be cherished. 

Taking notes, while wandering in the gardens, of what needs dealt with and making a plan in my head as to when I will take care of it.  I realized that I finally feel complete.  My days are now a mix of have to's (some things are simply a necessity) and want to's.  When I worked full time outside the home, I started to read a book, about taking back the weekend.  I never finished, it was simply depressing.  I knew with the path I had followed that was a fairytale.  My weekends were solely preparation for the week ahead and dealing with issues all weekend.  There was no peace to it, and there was definitely no taking it back. 

Hubs is off this weekend, he has three days off for the third weekend in a row and we are stumped.  We long to go camping (but its HOT with far too great a chance of rain for most of the weekend), we thought about visiting one of our favorite cities, and bum around - but again it's HOT! Who knows after a week spent doing deep cleaning and chores, we might just spend the weekend relaxing and resting. We have that luxury now.  We might not have as much disposable income these days as when I worked outside the home.  We definitely have a richer life.  

Well, as much as I am enjoying pondering and thinking out loud, I think it's time to fix myself a big glass of ice water with lemon and start on the things I want to do.  I might combine sewing and painting.  I can start the painting and do some piecing while it dries?  Sounds like a good idea to me...

Cherish the moments, stop being drawn into some of the ideas that are out there and simply live a good life.  I cannot recommend it enough... 

love and prayers... 

b

processing things...

Well, it appears that God decided we needed another day.  The sun came up briefly this morning, prior to the rain clouds easing in.  It's not really raining, just a light mist that keeps sneaking in. There is a pair of doves that keep returning to the backyard. The temperatures are still pretty mild, in fact it is difficult to believe that it is mid-February. Not to worry, the forecasters are already predicting snow for Friday just in case we forgot what time of the year it is. 

I'm in a slightly better space today emotionally.  I am finding myself being drawn a bit more into my own challenges and projects. Moving away from the international devastation, while praying for the people affected by the swarms of earthquakes that happened yesterday.  I am making myself step away from any form a media for the most part.  I need time to process it all. 

Yesterday, I witnessed so much vileness in regards to what happened so far away.  So much falseness, so many hurtful words flung carelessly about. That I am still stunned today.  The number of fake articles and pictures being posted to drawn in the unsuspecting.  The fear mongering was immense.  Rumors of nuclear plants exploding, or prisons being damaged to the point that the worst of the worst had been released. The swirling of pictures from other locations and times being put forward to somehow amplify an already horrific situation. 

I think the part that bothered more than any of that was the comments people were saying in regards to other people.  Saying that their religious beliefs, their politics, the status in this world somehow made them deserve the devastation and destruction.  It was unbelievable. 

I have often stated that I am not a deeply religious person.  I'm not.  For me religion feels like the very root of all evil.  More horrible things have been said and done in the name of religion than any one of us can even recount. 

I am a deeply faithful person. I've often said spiritual.  Yet too many twist that into a different meaning.  My faith is in God, my faith is in Jesus.  I have left many churches because they were not preaching the Bible, they were too focused on twisting the Bible to fit what they wanted them to fit.  They weren't standing for God and his people, they were guiding in directions that went against everything I believe in. 

Some of those comments yesterday had me feeling the same way about humanity's path as a whole.  I want to be able to do something, but who can you trust? Just watching the whole mess in Ukraine knowing that billions have flowed their direction and the people are still suffering, makes me question it even more. Where is our focus where our fellow man is concerned?  Are we trying to help and lift each other up or are we trapped in a bad story line that we are committed to believing?

All of it is heavy on my heart. I want to wrap folks in warm blankets, provide them with a nourishing meal, hold them while the grieve and pray alongside them to offer hope.  There a miracles happening every minute.  Babies being born in the rubble, children being found alive.  The miracles need to be shouted from roof tops.  There is still hope for many. The father that couldn't get to his child, standing there praying with them while waiting for the rescuers.  I read in several foreign language articles that the child was ultimately rescued. The joy that filled my heart was immeasurable.

Today, I am simply going to continue to pray.  If there is something I can do other than that, God will move me to do so.  For now, I am focusing on my immediate surroundings and things I can actually do.  

I keep asking, are we prepared.  I keep wondering if we truly can be physically prepared for things.  I know I mentioned living on the New Madrid fault line. There is always a possibility of an earthquake.  The same for my youngest, he lives on the San Andrea fault line.  Neither one is optimal. I often think moving to a different area would be safer, the truth is, every single place has its own unique challenges and terrors waiting for us.  

I think a greater question is are we prepared for the things that can happen where I am.  To a degree, I say yes.  Although I am not truly sure there is a proper way to prepare for earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, volcanic eruptions, tsunami's.  I think you get the idea.  

I am fully expecting to see a lot of things suddenly become a lot more expensive as a result of the events in Turkey and Syria.  Those are the type of things we can be prepared for. I think those earthquakes are going to cause global issues, we are part of a global economy.  I need to evaluate how the events happening a half a world away will impact us here at home and then plan accordingly.

In a few moments, once I finish my very cold coffee, finish this blog post and finish reading the book of Exodus (how I came to read that has shivers still going up my spine) I will continue on with my day.  The laundry, baking bread and tidying up.  I will decide how I want to arrange my sitting room, now that the HUGE plant has a new home. 

In a new home with HIGH ceilings

I am going to take a mental break.  I might even spin some wool or do some sewing today.  I need to regroup. 

love and prayers...

no rest...

So very tired... Already 9 hours into this day, I am not so sure I will be up for another 9 hours, or heck even 7 at this point in time feels excessive.  The Pups went to sleep at 7 pm last night, momma was not that smart and didn't.  So when the wildebeests called at 3 am, it was a super short night, not for them, but for momma.  

Add to that like the unintelligent person that I am, after freezing to walk them, I didn't go back to sleep when they did, I started working on a special project.  I'm bouncing between naps trying to get the project finished.  I think I only need one more nap or Dad to come home and entertain babies to be able to finish it today, I'm crazy excited about it. Sitting in my sewing room creating is one of my happy places. 

The babies are definitely figuring out that they love their humans to spend lots of quality time playing with them.  They make me laugh, they each have their own toys, but just like babies want the same exact ones, doesn't matter that theirs is the exact same one.  I have spent several hours sitting on the floor with puppies laying over my legs gnawing on their teething bones.  Every so often one will roll over and give me their belly to rub, even my little girl is getting used to that.  Guess she's decided dominance isn't the only thing she has going for her. 

Yesterday we went for several walks, they loved it.  Today, it's so cold that none of us wants to wander out for long.  The wind is blowing something crazy also.  It's strange and lovely at the same time.  My wind-chimes are playing beautiful music.  The kind that soothes the soul, the trees out back are dancing like crazy and everything is sparkling in the sunshine. We don't often get winds as strong as the past two days though, so it's odd. 

As tired as I am, today was probably not the ideal day for my new laptop to come in, I knew I wouldn't have the patience to wait for a better day.  For the first time in close to a decade I purchased a true laptop, needed it for my Cricut, I have used a Chromebook forever in my personal life.  I don't believe I have ever made it a secret that I despise new technology.  I don't have the patience to deal with it, I like the tried and true, I want simple.  Again, I am simply not using my head today and sure enough I set that thing up.  I am struggling to adjust to the keyboard, can't find a darn thing, and well... not having fun.  I set it aside, Hubs can do whatever with it when he gets home.  That's his thing, not mine. Yes I totally want to play with my Cricut, no I don't want to set up a new computer.  YUCK!

My babies are asleep on the sofa again, so I am going to shift them to their kennels and go work on my special project again.  I can't wait to see it completed. When Dad get's home we are going to take our week 4 picture, although I can't really hold both of the babies at the same time now.  They are simply too big. Soon I am not sure I will be able to hold them at all.  They might be a tad bigger than we thought, his feet are getting awfully big and her legs are getting longer by the day. It cracks me up, definitely not identical twins, but definitely siblings. 

love and peace... 

puzzled...

Tick tock... that clock seems to have the minute hands swirling out of control.  I fully expect them to fly right off any moment now.  I have a visual in my head of them simply spiraling out into space.  Here it is not even the middle of October and we got a book in the mail from Amazon.  I was puzzled at first, what in the world would Amazon be sending in book form?  

It would seem that Amazon is taking a page from Sears and Roebuck, as it is a wishbook full of toys and a wish list.  Strange.  Surreal.  A million thoughts poured through my head.  Mostly settling on the pure irony of it all.  Amazon is one of the reason that stores like Sears and the other brick and mortars have been shuttering their doors for decades now.  The fact that they are repurposing one of their best selling tools, it's ironic to say the least.  I guess they realized that children want what they can see, not what they are going to surf the web to look at.  

The next thought was that a little marketing survey - or even looking at our purchasing history - would have told them that we have no small children in our home, nor do we purchase toys from Amazon.  Or at least not many. 

I don't know, the whole mix of thoughts and feelings simply put a bad taste in my mouth.  It felt ugly.  Although I have admitted that I am really struggling with sheer volume of commercialism that is being forced on us.  I glanced through, as the cover doesn't truly tell what is inside.  Pages and pages of shiny plastic toys.  All designed to stir a desire in children for the fancy things that they will quickly tire of. 

If you are on my Christmas list this year, you might be disappointed.  All of my gifts are going to be practical.  Most will be made with love, I will be thinking about you and focusing on how much I love and cherish you while I make them.  

I don't want a ton of useless items to flow from or to me.  There is simply too much of that in the world already.  Add to that the fact that it isn't even Halloween and you are bombarding me with your holiday wares... ugghhh...

Okay, I think I will climb off my soapbox now.  I was simply in disbelief.  That isn't to say that I am not working on gifts myself, I do that fairly year round.  I simply felt overwhelmed by it all.  I went to pick up a few random items and the store I walked into looked like an advertisement for Nightmare before Christmas, no Jack wasn't lingering everywhere, but one side of the aisle was Halloween and the other Christmas. Slow down!

I fear I am becoming a scrooge as I start this new phase of my life.  Or maybe I am simply becoming weary with the world we are having forced down our throats.  Not sure which it is. But I do not intend to linger on it today. 

Hubs is home for the next two days, he's injured himself with a pulled muscle and will need to chill out.  Then he is back to work for a single day, before we take our first long vacation of the year.  We are planning to go camping for a solid week.  I know most folks head out during the summer months, but neither of us are over the moon with heat, both of us LOVE the beauty of autumn.  

It should be interesting, as he will be restricted to lifting no more than 5 pounds and I can lift, but I am still not 100% steady on my feet.  Truth is once we set up camp, neither of us should have anything to worry about.  Just sitting around, relaxing and enjoying the beauty around us.  Short walks for therapy, hours of relaxation and rest in the great outdoors.  Hubs will fish, he can't be near water and not fish it is physically impossible for him, he better not finally snag that 8 pounder. 

We struggled to agree on the direction we were going to head.  I didn't trust my own willpower on heading too close to Hamilton, I long to visit Missouri Star Quilt Company, it is definitely on my bucket list.  What isn't on my bucket list right now is buying anymore supplies.  Again with that darn consumerism thing.  I can't be trusted.  I am as bad as the kiddo's are with the toys when you get me anywhere near supplies that I could possibly need some day.  So... we put a big no to that one.  Besides it was over 4 hours away and towing the camper and adding in my needed stops it would probably take us six hours to get there.  That is not in my realm right now. 

I also wanted to go north to capture the true beauty of autumn.  Then I realized that the beauty was all around us and there was no need to focus on one area.  In the end we settled for our first state park experience just 90 minutes from home and not terribly far from where we used to own land for camping. In an area we have explored many times and always find something new to love.  The other places promised far too many temptations for trail walks and caves to explore.  I can't do those right now. 

I am looking forward to stepping away.  I love my home, but I also love my camper.  I love being disconnected and relaxing.  

Guess it's time to re-immerse myself back into the real world.  The one that can't decide what holiday we are on, where the clock spins out of control and the days fly by.  The world is changing though.  People are changing.  I guess I need to learn to use a bit more patience...

Love and Peace!