wandering thoughts...

The sunrise this morning was breathtaking. The camera on my phone is not even remotely going to do it justice.  I decided to walk the boys myself this morning, since this loss of an hour has me so discombobulated. I truly wish we could leave things alone.  I understand when it had a time and place.  I don't think we still have those needs. Today we live in a 24 hour society for the most part, so all it does is steal an hour of sleep as we seem to function by the clock.

Out in the brisk morning air with the beautiful sunrise my mind completely started wandering.  I cherish quiet alone times for that very reason. In the silence the mind is free to roam.

I never take my phone with me when I walk the boys.  Although as I type that, I realize that I probably should if I am alone.  Not because I have anyone I need to talk to, but because they are both very old and getting more frail by the day.  What if something happened to one of them and I had them both with me... oh dear that is another rabbit hole that needs to wait for another day.

In the silence this morning, I could hear the poem about the sunrise/sunset that my parents both always shared with us... red in the morn' sailors take warn... does that apply to the almost brilliant purple and pink hue that I saw today?

Playing with my old man in the front yard filled my heart with such joy.  I know that my time with him is fading, yet the morning romp and stomp is still so fun and joyous.  It brings memories flooding back from all the years we've played it.  And it will be one of the things that I will miss the most, so I have to be sure to play it each morning, need to fill that memory bucket to over flowing.

Before the boys woke up I was sitting in one of my favorite chairs, yarn laced in between my fingers as my crochet hook gathered the stitches in the baby blanket I am working on.  I needed seven yesterday morning, but sweet Hubs noted that one of his staff became a Daddy for the first time last week and that his little man, a whopping 10 pounds 6 ounces, could use a blanket to keep him warm.  Luckily, I have one made that is quite masculine... I was hoping for gender neutral, but none of the yarns I have bought so far have quiet ended up that way.... so now I need at least eight.

As the yarns slide between my hands I was daydreaming back to a time that didn't seem so long ago, but now I'm not so sure.  A time before cell phones and portable computers.  Sure I had a computer back then.  And I technically had a portable phone, after all it was cordless.  I was thinking about how much more I used to accomplish.  The things I made didn't seem to take so long, they just became real.  As I was sitting here, pondering the difference between then and now it seemed elusive.

My skill has improved, that was over twenty years ago.  I have mastered many things in that time.  What was causing my lack of creative productivity?  The yarn sliding between my fingers is soothing.  It's that way with all of my creative outlets, they calm me.  So what had changed?  Was I really working so much that I couldn't find time?

My mind for some reason kept returning to the huge ranch house on the farm in Spanaway, Washington.  One of my all time favorite homes, despite being hopeless trapped in the early 70's.  I kept remembering a morning sitting at the island in the kitchen while the kids were eating breakfast before school and I was working on a baby bib.  I don't remember what it looked like, I just remember my ex questioning me about it and telling him that if I did a bit a day I would have it finished in no time.  The mind is a crazy thing.  It truly is like a card catalog in a library or a computer with too many tabs open, bouncing in between them all.

My old boy likes company when he eats breakfast and dinner after his walks, usually I sit and play a game on my phone or surf the internet.  I seriously do not do well just sitting still, probably something I should work on mastering.  Today I didn't have my phone or my Chromebook.  I picked up my coffee cup and my craft bag.  Then sat beside him working on the blanket.  It was like someone hit me with a brick.

It all the sudden occurred to me what was slowing me down. What is probably slowing many of us down from accomplishing things that we love to do.  The things that fill our souls and help us grow.  Electronics.  Computers, phones, constant connectivity.

I have a stack of books by my bed, I never seem to have time to read, even though I desperately want to do so.  My excuse is that I don't have enough time.  Yet I will lie in bed at night and read short article after short article until my eyes grow heavy on my phone.  I don't know if it is the lighting or the ease.  Or is it simply that we are being programmed to only handle short snippets as opposed to a book?

My mind can get kind of twisted.  I can go down all kinds of rabbit holes when allowed the time to think.  I am surely not the only one.  And many conspiracy theories jump out at me. Again probably as a result of all of the electronic brainwashing that we are all subjected to.

I think it is time to get lost in the past for a while.  To recreate the days when I could spend hours in my sewing room without noticing.  Or spend a day walking through new towns and exploring new places.  I didn't have a cell phone then or at least one I used much, because I would have to buy more minutes.  I remember hours sitting in the parks while my children played in fountains and on playgrounds, reading a book, working on projects, absorbing the laughter and sunshine like they were essential elements of life.

Yesterday was a day of contrasts, yet I am sure it is where these thoughts started. Hubs and I went to work to support the job fair, even though it was a crazy rainy morning that few were brave enough to tackle going out in.  I was able to support the team with shutting the pool due to lightning and finding guards.  Then Hubs and I headed to the physic fair, normally I can't wait, but I wasn't drawn yesterday, so we skipped it.  He drove, so that I could crochet, I was finding so much peace in it. A few errands and Bloody Mary's later we arrived back at home for an early afternoon nap.

Hubs woke me up around four to tell me that it was 65 degrees and sunny, of course that meant we were dropping the top and heading out to explore in the sunshine.  We'd never been to Lone Elk Park, yet it's been on the to do list and seemed like the perfect excursion for the little bit of day we had left.  I feel we will go many more times, the sunshine, the top down, the bison and the elk.  Sweet Hubs was sitting on the back of the convertible taking pictures and both of us were enjoying the beauty of nature.

The view from where I am sitting today, is a picture of perfection.  My old boy sleeping, my spinning wheel with roving waiting for attention.  The rising sun casting a soft glow.  Spring is on the way, I just got a high pollen alert, I'd say that its definitely time for some out with the old, in with the new.

Time for more intention and less distraction...

the gift of a day...

The fireplace is dark and cold, but the candle is bright and the coffee is hot. 

Hubs doesn't know that I just crawled out of my cozy bed, he's been awake for a while now, watching television, lost in his own distraction world. 

I'm looking out the window in disbelief, it is still snowing here.  Not the big fluffy flakes of yesterday, these are the tiny ones that usually don't lead to much accumulation. I haven't ventured outside this morning, the driveway appears to just have a slight dusting.  Our awesome neighbor got his little home snow blower out yesterday and for literally hours he cleared all of the sidewalks and driveways for folks in our little cul de sac. Although Hubs and I will have to cut a wider path out of ours today, our driveway has an odd angle that literally takes you straight into the little island in the middle if you cannot angle right.  The pile of snow on either side, assures you cannot angle right. And the snow plow that just went through did not make it any better, in fact I'm not sure he even plowed, just buzzed past.

Hubs must have heard me thinking about my fire, because he just came up and started it.  Refilled my coffee cup and brought me a breakfast bar.  I feel so spoiled!  Probably because I am.  So now the picture is complete. 

I feel like we should do a Christmas morning rerun, as I haven't even gotten the decorations tucked away yet.  The fire surrounded by stockings and lights, the snow outside, it looks like a Christmas card.  Later today, it will revert to being the way it is most of the year.  Hubs and I will pull the boxes up and start untrimming the tree and the house. 

Soon, it will be "normal". Whatever that is.

What did all of my snow bound friends and family do yesterday?  Did you rest, read a book, watch a show (after cleaning off your dish if you have one?), maybe cook a fancy dinner?  It's unbelievable the amount of time slowing down seems to give you.  Or at least it was for me.

I didn't get everything done, heck I didn't even make a list.  I simply started. I have been incredibly behind on household chores.  By incredibly I might mean, I even found clothes that I thought I had lost.  Ironing took me hours.  In all fairness, I opened all three window shades and put the ironing board facing the falling snow.  As I lost myself in my task and looking outside, I might have been day dreaming more than steadfastly working.

I hate to iron and I love to iron also.  It's a very complex relationship.

Getting started for me, is about as much fun as getting a filling at the dentist.  OUCH!  It seems daunting. Overwhelming.  A stack of wrinkles and hangers.  I have a system that works for me, as our closets are sectioned, I also sort the ironing to match.  That way I finish one section at a time. It's usually as I am finishing the first section that I realize I have been lost in thought, almost meditating as I work my way through the pile.  Yesterday had the added bonus of big beautiful snowflakes.

As I said I have been behind on this task and it ate up several hours.  But I also stopped and chatted with a friend while sipping hot tea, curled up on the love seat that has been buried under piles of laundry and started reading one of my new books. I might have even found time for a brief cat nap.

The gift of a day "trapped" inside was priceless.

Hubs and I tried to coax both boys into a walk in the snow, one of my favorite past times.  Gator truly was not having it.  We made it three houses down before he was done.  Turning around he dashed to the neighbor's door, having to almost be dragged to our own home one vast white yard away.  He was determined to get out of the deep, white, cold stuff.  He never wandered into it outright, probably good as it came all the way to Neeko's chest - so does Gator. For the balance of the day he grudgingly went out on to cleared little paths where the snow did not dare to fall.  My warm loving pup needed a fire after that trauma! 

Neeko on the other hand was quite delighted and terrified all at once.  We've not had this much snow in his lifetime, so it has been an interesting experience for him.  Not realizing it wasn't solid he initially bounded into some deep piles left from the snow plow and down he went.  The look on that sweet face had me laughing so hard. He looks so perplexed and confused standing there in snow all the way up to his chest.  Watching him figure out how to get out was even funnier, as he would put a foot down, watch it sink and pull it back.  I don't think he figured out he could plow through it like the bullhead he is until several walks later.  Each time jumping out of it to safety and turning to look at it in sheer amazement.

Neek's also caught his first and last snow ball.  He's amazing at catching, eye mouth coordination for him is a highly refined skill.  At least it was until that cold white ball exploded as he bit down.  He dropped it as if he'd caught a live coal and stood there looking at it perplexed and disappointed.  How was this neither food nor toy?  What happened?  There were no further attempts to catch the white balls thrown to him, he let them drop at his feet.

Such a peaceful relaxing day.  Even with the chores thrown in.  In fact, I feel far more accomplished than I have felt in a long time.  Today will be more chore based, but only because I am loving the feeling that I am getting from being able to sit on my love seat and read!  My favorite recliner is almost empty of hangers and I am going to be able to vacuum the kitty hair that has drifted there.  Christmas decorations will finally be boxed away for another year, but the wonderful feelings of Christmas will never be put away. 

Our Y is open today, I have an incredible team that insured the walks were clear, and they could safely access our spaces.  While I haven't gone stir crazy over this gift, I know many have.  We are simply not so much homebodies anymore.  As a society we have to be moving, doing, going.

It's time to figure out what we will have for dinner, I found a new recipe for homemade noodles that I have been dying to try they look yummy and nourishing.  I might even make a loaf of homemade bread.  Days like this completely bring out my inner Laura Ingalls.  They challenge me to go back to my roots before the convenience of a 24 hour grocery and pre-made everything. 

Later I will sit and stitch for a while.  I have a project to finish and this past 12 days has robbed me of any free time.

Well... I hope each of you finds your own special way to relax, unwind and cherish this gift.  The ability to slow down and simply be...

Exhaustion...

Muscles hurt, deep down almost to the bone.

It's a good hurt.  The bone weary kind that comes from good honest hard work.

Hubs and I have been on a mission this weekend.  He spent so much time helping our girl.  She is changing her world around.  So many things that have needed done, she is tackling it all, mostly by herself.  We are a bit too busy to give her unlimited time. But we love being able to help her... we love sharing the joy of being family.

I chose this weekend to work on our home.  I've been struggling with so many things this year, that I think for a bit I just stopped caring.  No energy, no drive, no desire to participate in the day to day of life.

I spent 4 hours today simply doing laundry, ironing, sorting through closets and drawers.  It felt amazing. It felt like I was reconnecting with my life.  While I was gently pressing creases in Hubs work slacks and ironing what felt like a mountain of Harley shirts, he was busy helping our daughter remove a play set that was rotting away.  In a hurry before the baby fell got hurt in her hurry to grow up and explore her surroundings.

Time has been spent cleaning, lifting stones, cleaning food and snot off the baby's face.  She's got a bit of congestion going on so lunch was interesting.

Hubs and I spent time entertaining her and tracking down all the gallons of stain that our girl needed for her current project. She is such a sweetie and listening to her using the few words she's mastered and the ones she is still trying to learn just makes me giggle.

I finally learned to work the Instapot... well maybe... I did master dog food and the best part... they loved it.  Mr. Fussy - Gator - munched down a bowl and a half. Although one piece of broccoli did find a way back out.  Okay... he spit it out.  It was hysterical watching him chomp, chew and spit it.  I didn't know a dog could literally spit, but he did.  Evidently, he is related to former President Bush - he doesn't like broccoli and he is not going to eat it!

The fact that both of them ate it, filled me to over flowing with joy.  Both of them have been battling stomach issues for over a week.  I hate to see them suffering and I always question the food "by-products" they pass off as real food.  I shouldn't have to coax my boys to eat their dinner.  They should want to eat it.  Although I will admit that my stomach was doing absolute flip flops with that liver.  EWWWW!

Our girl fixed us dinner as we were preparing dinner for her.  I promised a grandson lasagna (his favorite) as a house warming present, it's just as easy to make multiples so I did!  One for the girls and one for us tomorrow night when one of my B's is here. We are not doing exceptional transitioning to vegetarian meals, but that is just fine, for now.

Walking back through the door tonight, I was mesmerized by how much like a home our house smells tonight. We've been eating out far too often.  I haven't had the time or energy to cook.  Tonight between the lasagna, the Greek Chicken from the girls and ironically the dog food.  It smells homey. You can actually smell the love.

Well, the cicada's are singing and my bone weary body is calling for an early night, or is that the glass of wine?

Either way, it's time to call it quits for the day.... my pillow is calling, I'm sure that is what I hear...

tuning in...

I'm awake.

Sitting in my sitting room in my favorite blue chair.  Gator has been a barking fool this morning, evidently loving the sound of his own powerful deep voice.  He woke up in puppy mode.  At first I was snarly.  I was exhausted, I didn't sleep well last night and had finally fallen deeply asleep to be woken up.

I was snarly at the noise that stirred me, snarly at my sweet Hubs that hadn't taken him for a walk to allow me to sleep.  I do that for him when he's exhausted and in my initial moments awake that was all I could think of.

I heard a phrase yesterday that I cannot get out of my head.  "We're all tuned into WIFM. What's in it for me."  That is where I was.  I am fairly certain I snarled down the stairs to let Hubs know I was going to walk Gator.  It hadn't entered penetrated my self fogged self yet that there was no way he could hear my sweet bucket mouth talking on the main floor over the show he was engrossed in.

I only semi-listened to him telling me about this incredibly interesting program he found on Netflix.  He was deeply engrossed and hadn't heard Gator.  He was tuned into WIFM also.

As we walked and I listened to the birds and watched my boy bouncing along like he was 2 again I realized that neither of us was really aware of how the other was feeling at that moment in time.  We hadn't done anything to hurt or neglect the other intentionally.  How often do these things happen?  Not just in our relationships, but also in our daily lives.

I always try to look at the other person's perspective.  When I get cut off in traffic or someone is flying along way over the speed limit, I always try to feel that something is distracting them or they are on their way to the hospital. Sometimes I succeed at rationalizing things, sometimes I don't.

Sitting here with hot coffee slowly waking my senses, with my spoiled old puppy boy while he eats breakfast (yes, he requires your attendance while eating), listening to the documentary that has Hubs so engrossed... I'm grateful.

I'm grateful that yet again my old guy woke up.  I know that each day is a gift.  And his energetic bouncing today filled my heart with joy. Playing in the yard and watching him run and bounce is something that is all too rare in our lives now. He and Neeko are extreme seniors and this heat is not their friend.

If he hadn't woken me up I would have missed the beautiful bright red cardinal that I saw today, I have learned the sound of their call and was able to see him way up in the top of the tree.  The sunrise making the sky a brilliant blue backdrop against the deep green of the tree branches and Mr. Cardinal looking like some dropped a splash of the brightest red paint right in the middle.  It had me longing for my camera.

If I hadn't walked them with Hubs I would have missed time spent chatting and catching up, I value my time spent with Hubs.  Even the most mundane conversations have value to me. I love talking about our day, thoughts and feelings.  He's my refuge from this crazy world. He's still hurting, so it's looking like another shot in the back is coming. Yesterday had appeared so promising.

I am grateful for even the things that frustrate me.  Because I have them to be frustrated at.

This week has held some really rough and rocky moments.  None of them were personal, but each one felt incredibly personal.  My faith in humanity has been severely tested this week.  My belief in the basic good in people felt almost shattered.  It tore me down.

A young mom, whom I later learned was the daughter of a woman that works for the Y - a woman I know, was shot and killed in front of her 3 young children.  Because an eighteen year old decided he wanted her car.  He laid in wait.  Stole her life, altered her children's forever, and destroyed his own.  For a CAR?  Guess it never occurred to this young monster to get a job and buy one.  She worked hard for her's.  She was working on raising her babies to have the same work ethic, raising them with love. I wonder who forgot to raise that greedy monster? Would anyone come forward and talk?  That neighborhood is not known for sharing information. "Snitches get stitches".

Another man was shot around the corner from my Y, middle of the day on a busy, crowded business street.  Not in a back alley.  Not in a derelict neighborhood.  Not in some secluded area. Right on the street, a street full of busy restaurants,  a museum, tourists and visitors to our city, in front of several huge financial and legal businesses.  He'll live.  I don't know if they've solved it yet or not.

I listened in absolute anger to a person describe a situation to me that had occurred the night before.  Two brothers got into a tussle, brothers do that.  At the time, no one realized they were brothers, a woman was screeching for someone to protect her baby, to hurt the other child, threatening bodily harm to the other child.  The officer that was restraining said child asked where his mother was, he pointed to the same woman. The restrained child showed them bruises, told them that his other siblings beat him with bats, that his mother not only allowed it, but encouraged it.  That this child was being mentally and physically abused at home.  He'd reached his snapping point.  His very soul was injured.  This young man who was pleading for help was told he had to go home with the very woman he was screaming for his harm and abuse.  It wasn't until he threatened to kill them with the knives that he kept under his mattress that anyone listened.

They slowly learned that the entire family was on medication, and that none of them had had it for quite some time.  It wasn't important to mom.  The police escorted them to the hospital.  Where "mom of the year" summarily dumped her son into the custody of the hospital with a swipe of a pen and drove off, leaving him there, alone.  I learned more of her story yesterday.  I almost threw up. She deserves to be behind bars, her children all removed forever from her life and she needs to be struck barren.  No one should have the ability to destroy lives like that. NO ONE!

I saw two senior men, that had the ability to function as young children, with their caregivers at the store.  I needed a few things for work.  Watching the way they treated them filled me with rage. No one deserves to be belittled and yelled at simply for existing.  Time for a career change.

I heard a man prescribing racism to a young child's actions when an older boy unfamiliar to her took her bike. He stated that the only reason she demanded it back was because he was black.  Even while acknowledging that all of the children in the neighborhood always played together and they literally reflected the rainbow colors of our world.  It never occurred to him that the child simply didn't want an unfamiliar child to take her bike without asking. It was because of his skin color. Hmmm... guess he's never spent time with children.

There were other things.  There were so many other hurtful things bombarding me. This week I wanted to run away. I wanted to find a quiet place to forget about the evil and simply live my life with my Hubs, pups and the kids if they wanted to run away with us.

I was emotionally and mentally tired.

This week the entire city seemed tuned into WIFM and not at all in a good way.

Yet, slowly the world started to remind me that I could have faith in humanity.

A dear friend got the news that her health is on an upswing, she faced a demon she was terrified of and it appears that it's worked! There was news of babies and people that I thought were leaving choosing to stay. A community came together to say no we aren't going allow that young mother's death to be in vain and in 24 hours it went from no suspects to apprehended and held with a one million dollar cash bond. The greater community rallied to support those children a Go Fund Me that was originally set with a $50,000 goal and had topped it with $150,000 in just 12 hours.

Conversations were had that maybe turned the lens from racism to manners.  I wish all of the terrors had been washed away in that crazy electrically charged lightening and rain storm the other night, but at least a few were. I'll take a few.

WIFM isn't always a bad thing.  Because knowing what people need to feel good is how behaviors and processes are changed.  But when it becomes your only lens, its heart wrenching.

Thank you for taking a moment to read while I have sorted through this overwhelming week.  I think I am going to spend this day decompressing, enjoying time with Hubs and the boys, checking in on my babies and getting ready for Father's Day.  The first without my Dad.

pause, reflect, move...

Driving to yet another meeting yesterday morning I was mesmerized by a man in the lane next to me.  I have no idea who he was, in fact I couldn't identify him today unless he was sitting in his GMC conversion van, in the same shirt, with is coffee held just so. It wasn't him that held my interest.

In the midst of rush hour traffic, everyone driving insanely, intent on getting where they are going and looking half asleep, there was this old slightly beat up white GMC conversion van just rolling along.  He wasn't in a hurry, the windows were all rolled down, and he had the look of someone with no where special to be and no hurry to get there. 

He looked to be about Hubs age, dressed for a casual day in his Hawaiian shirt.  The canoe on the roof provided evidence to my fantasy that he was simply chilling.  Leaning slightly forward on the big steering wheel, coffee cup casually to his lips, wind blowing his short gray hair.  He looked at peace with the world.

I was in awe and envy all at the same time.

Hubs and I are on a journey to that same place.  I could see us owning an old conversion van, maybe not a canoe, I have an insane phobia of being out on the water in them. Small boats literally flip me out! But I could see us, loading up the fishing gear, maybe an air mattress that would fit in the back and supplies for an adventure and taking off for a few days.  Not in a hurry to get anywhere in particular, but definitely in a hurry to chase some dreams and make some memories.

I am trying very hard to be in the moment lately, which is one of the reasons I haven't had time to write. I'm focusing on the path that he and I are following.  There are steps that need to happen now, in conjunction with our daily lives, our work lives, to insure that path is clear and ready to run down when the time comes.

I've also been focusing on being intentional. Not planned so much, as truly experiencing life.  We are just starting our 4th month without Dad.  I don't know how long it takes to "get over" something like this, it's a new and strange experience for me. I don't know what society has dictated.  What I do know is that I don't care.  Some days I'm fine, others... well it still feels like someone has pulled a rug out from under me.  What I am trying to do is work through the entire process.  And learn from it.

I am learning.

Just a few things I've learned are that life is far too short to not pay attention to the small things. I've learned that in the blink of an eye everything can change and there are no more tomorrows. That being said, I'm learning to be intentional about my relationships, who and what I spend time on and enjoying each day.

I no longer have the time or patience for things that don't matter to me.  I am not going to give my energy to the "users", the people that simply suck everything out of you so they feel better. Life is too damn short for that.

I am also discovering there area a whole lot of people that fall into that previous category.

I am opening my mind and heart.  Experiencing everything I can.  Spending time with the ones I love and care about.

In the past week, I've sat atop the bluffs with the warm sunshine on my face, sipping wine with my sweet Hubs.  I'm thankful for the discovery of that beautiful winery, the view was breathtaking (the ride up terrifying for me) the wine and food delicious. I've ridden along the river road with the wind in my hair and on my face.  Watching the baby eagles soaring high above. It was a beautiful spring day, the ones we missed earlier in spring, reminding us that it was still springtime here in the mid-west.

I've spent the early morning hours sitting on the deck with my sweet Hubs, enjoying the soft coolness. Listening to the birds and wild life waking up for the day.  He and I are both early risers, so those stolen moments are priceless.  Hot cup of coffee, the sun sneaking up the horizon, the birds chirping and singing.  I can almost imagine their conversation, as the sounds bounce from yard to yard.  They must be calling each other to the spots the sprinkler systems have just soaked, letting everyone know where the morning smorgasbord was happening.  Time for breakfast everyone.

We celebrated "Sharing Ramadan" with our neighbors.  I will admit I was quite apprehensive. The media does a great job of instilling fear and concern.  For days I was worried.  What if I wasn't dressed appropriately, what if I said the wrong thing, did the wrong thing.  Was this going to end up badly? Then my American arrogance kicked in for a bit, I wasn't covering my head, why did I have to cover my arms in this oppressive heat?

In the end, I now sit here with my beautiful henna design still radiant on my hand. A far better understanding of Islam and the Muslim faith than I ever anticipated.  And a far greater compassion for what they have experienced here in this country we both call home. Understanding the similarities in our belief system and appreciating their love and compassion. I did cover my head, not because someone made me, nor out of fear.  But out of respect.  It wasn't asked of me. Nor was it expected. But it was appreciated.

I have walked the largest mosque in Missouri, seen the prayer rooms, heard the beauty of the prayer and read the translations.  I have had so many things explained to me and have a far greater understanding of their deep appreciation and love for their women.  And of course respect.

I am thankful for the experience.  And anxious to explore more things that I do not understand or know enough about.  I fear too many in our country have stopped experiencing life, in exchange for a sound bite, tweet or "google" search. We absorb another's view and adopt it as our own.

I guess it is easier that way.  But not nearly fulfilling.

I took time out of the past two weeks to invest in my own learning and growth, and will find out soon if I am certified to facilitate YMCA Diabetes Prevention Programs.  This has been on my personal bucket list for almost two years.  Ever since Hubs and I went through the first part of the program two summers ago.  I saw the change it made in us and I wanted to be able to share it. I am not a health professional.

It was definitely out of my comfort zone, particularly as the stress of 2018 has lead to the rebirth of so many bad life habits.  Mindless eating, stress eating, not exercising, being lazy.  Sitting in that room, surrounded by young, hyper-fit, highly educated fitness professionals.  I allowed myself for a moment to feel less than. My slightly chubby body, my gray hair, my lack of certifications, all ate at my self esteem. But it was important to me.  So I went anyhow.  I fought my inner voice, we had more than a few discussions. I believe I won.

Evidently it wasn't evident that I was dying inside and I did well presenting my portion of the "exam".  It also triggered Hubs and I both to start following the things we learned.  To put the skills back into place and get back to it.  We've both had a successful week, even if we didn't include any working out.  He has a bulging/herniated disk (shot next week) that is limiting his movement, and I really need to get this darn knee looked at again.

But we did it just the same.  Diabetes has cost me far too much.  I should have had at least another decade with my Dad. He lost his Dad to the same dreaded disease.  The sad part is that both of those were probably something that could have been prevented or at least pushed off.

I turned off my phone when I drove and got comfortable in the silence.  Spent time laughing, talking and loving with the kids and grands.  And enjoyed my boys.

Hubs and I are aware the boys are nearing the end of their journeys with us.  Both of them have slowed dramatically, they sleep more than wake and seem to love a bit more deeply.  We are spending a bit more time spoiling them, enjoying them.

This is far longer than I anticipated when I started writing.  I wasn't sure the words were going to leave my head and heart. It's been a wonderful week of focus and discovery.  Of finding joy in the journey. I hope that each of you are doing the same.  I challenge you to make a life that you can be proud of living. We do have a choice.  We can be a cog in the wheel.  Just another part of something far bigger than ourselves working for someone else's greater good.  Or we can focus on what is important to us.  Work our lives instead of living to work... it's our choice!

ever changing...

Life.

Nature.

Beauty and violence all in one. I might get a tad overly emotional where things involving life are concerned.  I understand that I am not a vegetarian and eat meat.  I assure you if I had to kill it myself, I would completely be a vegetarian again.  I guess that makes me a bit of a hypocrite. I get it, I own it.

Last night we came home from the annual Lamplighter Gala.  All dressed up from the event, I let Neeko out front for his evening potty break so Hubs could go upstairs.  That disc in his back is wreaking havoc on him and he needed to lay down. 

Our resident momma robin dived bombed our heads as usual when we come out the door.  Turning around to go in my heart stopped and I screamed. 

I hate snakes, its a fear that goes beyond rational.  I've tried to over come it, but just can't seem to do so. There to my side, climbing up the wall in the near darkness was a large black snake - at least two feet long, although woven in and out of my siding he sure looked bigger. 

Momma bird's frantic attempt to save her baby overwhelmed me and for a moment I forgot my fear, grabbed a broom and tried to help her, pulling it away. Unfortunately I'm short  and even wearing heels had to get Hubs. 

Hubs was finally able to get the snake down, but not before it had gulped up the sweet little hatchling. It couldn't have been more than a day old, if that. 

I felt such sorrow for momma robin.  I don't know if she felt it also, I guess it isn't right to ascribe human emotions to animals, but who are we to say they don't have them.

I know that my Gator can display a myriad of emotions when looking at me.  There is rarely doubt as to his wants and needs.

Part of my slowing down journey is savoring walks with the boys. 

They are both seniors, extreme seniors.  For their breeds they should both be gone, given Gator's cancer, he's a flipping miracle.  We've really been watching them slow down over the past six months or so, that twenty minute walk can be over forty now.  There have been many times in the past few months that I have caught myself in my hurry to be busy getting frustrated with the length of the walk.  Instead of having empathy for the old guys, I was fretting about all the stuff that was bogging me down.

I read something, somewhere a while ago that challenged me to remember that their walks were not for me, but for them.  It was their chance to experience life, to move at the speed they wanted and to allow them to savor all that was around.  Because their moments on earth are brief and will be gone in a flash.

I also read a fascinating article yesterday about re-learning the art of lingering. I realized as I was soaking, doctor ordered (how ironic), that I have lost that art.  If I ever had it fully. I remember once being rather catty about my ex and stating "he could relax himself into a coma". The truth was, he knew how to relax and linger and I was too uptight, even then, always has a busy list going.

So this morning Gator and I lingered.  Neeko isn't as much of a lingerer yet.  He's slowed down significantly, but his long legs mean he naturally covers more ground. Gator's strolls wear Neeko out! Hubs had an appointment for his back this morning, so he and Neeks left earlier.  At 18 Gator felt the need to sleep in a bit and then the legs didn't want to coordinate on the stairs, so I helped him down. He usually does great, but one misstep and its a belly slide down.  Today I saw the fear in his big brown eyes as he tried to right himself.  That top heavy pit chest pushing him forward as he tried to sort it out. Nothing stopped him from melting into my arms to be helped down the stairs.

As it was just he and I, we enjoyed his stroll. We didn't got nearly as far as we used to, he gets tired before he reaches the "mountain" (a small hill) that he and Hubs used to love to climb so that he could survey his kingdom.  We had several stops to rest on the way back.  We enjoyed the cool morning.

Needless to say I had plenty of time to observe nature.  The beauty and the brutality. Everywhere I looked there were birds, I see so many beautiful cardinals, mourning doves and sparrows.  There are finches and crows, egrets and so many other's that I cannot identify.  In the distance I heard our owls conversing in the tree tops, probably saying good night as the sun was rising. As I stopped with the old guy I really paused to pay attention.  I was watching tiny birds chasing away the bigger birds with a ferocity that seemed unreal. I watched the calls and courting back and forth. I saw a few birds gathering bugs and worms in the freshly watered lawns, probably taking some of it back to nests.

Walking past one driveway on our spectacular stroll we discovered a LONG half inch wide row of the tiniest black ants.  Busy as can be.  Following the trail we discovered them dismantling a fairly large beetle, lying on it's back flailing it's legs.  They were literally eating it alive. There were thousands of them at the very least, that poor beetle did not stand a chance.  Whatever had caused him to be on his back had lead him to be as vulnerable as the tiny baby bird last night.

Hubs is right, it's a circle of life.  I'm still a bit sensitive to it all. I doubt that I will ever not be.  Truth is, I don't know that I want to.

In fact this slowing down and savoring life... It's good stuff.

I know my boys are on the final leg of their journey's with us.  Three and a half years ago I sobbed when the vet told me that the most I would have with Gator would be three months, that they couldn't operate on his cancer due to his age the risk was too great.  To go home and love him.  So I have. We almost lost Neeks almost two years ago. God knew we weren't done loving them.  I don't know that we will be when they finally leave us to wait at the rainbow bridge. But I do know that I will have savored, lingered, snuggled and enjoyed my sweet babies.

For a nano second I regretted not having my phone handy to take some photos.  Instead I took them with my mind and heart.  I'm re-learning to be present. Not everything needs a picture.  So much of it needs to be felt.

I'm still not happy about the snake.  I understand he just wanted dinner.  But I truly hate snakes.  They make my ever loving skin crawl.  In fact I was shaking for almost an hour last night.  Icky, slimy, slithery things. 

making a life...

When the wind picks up it's almost refreshing out.  Without it, it's just hot and muggy.  I am so not a fan of this Midwest climate. It's going to be another hot one today.  Not really my thing, but at least it will keep me inside and allow me to complete some of the things I have been longing to do... or not...

I've had the olive oil and dandelions infusing at a soft boil for the past two hours.  The dandelion tea is done.  I was incredibly excited to make a batch of soap. I cleaned up the kitchen and got it ready for some serious soaping.  And as it's nice and not raining, I am planning on a batch or two of bath bombs. 

But now I am simply feeling a bit bummed out.  I didn't catch it until it heated that the olive oil had gone rancid.  It smells awful! I don't want my beautiful soap to smell like that.  I did the research, everything says I can still use it, just need to super saponify or I can wash it in brine to remove the scent. Super saponification is going to lead to a very drying soap, kind of defeats the purpose of using the dandelions don't you think?  And I'm afraid the brine will also remove all the benefit of the dandelions.  So now I'm at square one again. Guess I am going to pick another cup of dandelions.  The bee's are going to revolt... Thank goodness they grow so fast.

Maybe I will resort to something less detailed, as I truly just want to make some soaps and try out all of my new molds.  I was hoping to make a batch or so of hot process also, so I don't have to deal with the patience part of things.

And I also need to go and buy a lawnmower.  Ours is a total piece of... well you get it.  And we hired a lawn care crew.  Which I am firing today.  I don't mind spending the money to have my yard mowed, but when they are as inconsistent of these guys and my front lawn is deeper than my short guys chest?  They are doing a lousy job and they are not inexpensive.  I've had kids to a better job than this company is.

I have to admit though that even with the rampant frustrations today is bringing.  Bitter oil, deep lawn, Hubs busy working for hours... It sure did start off excellent!  I had a message from my boy, something that is rare, he's busy living his life far away, so to wake up to that gift was priceless.  And my sweet (?) girl gifted me with an awesome yarn bowl to make me smile!  I got to talk to my own mom and I feel blessed to be able to do so.

Despite the challenges, I am feeling very grateful for my new found devotion to getting deeper involved in living my own life and remembering that other things are not the core, they are the outer rings.  They are not my own personal why.  They are not the items that define who I am as a human.

I am a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a gramma, a friend to many, and possibly a nemesis to some.  But over all... I am a human being on a journey that only I can define.  I'm enjoying discovering that! For too long, I've allowed the non-important to define the important.  Who I am and my contribution to my own life and happiness cannot be graded or judged by anyone except for me.  And when you start living to achieve other's goals and desires of you, you stop being able to reach for your own happiness and inner peace.

None of us get out of this life alive.  And I am starting to fully understand that the little check marks that others are making do not define who we are or where we ultimately end up.  This is just a season in time.  And the best thing any of us can do, is love the people that are important to us.  Spend quality time doing things together. None of us need a ton of gifts and clutter in our homes, we need time, experiences, and most importantly love.

Celebrate this mother's day.  If your mom is still here, let her know you love her, if not celebrate the gifts she gave you while she was. Let your loved ones know their value.  Because all too soon, you can only send those and thoughts to silence.  Love and cherish while you can!

Time to go and celebrate my day... Best wishes to all of you!

treasure the moments...

I'm snuggled up in one of my favorite chairs, it's dreary and drizzly outside (perfect fall weather!) and all that remains of last nights fire are the wood scraps that hubs dropped on the floor and a few ashes.

All in all, it's a perfect Sunday morning.  We bought some cranberry orange scones for breakfast yesterday.  That flavor combination might very well be one of my all time favorites.  Hubs is already finished with his breakfast and is down in the man cave listening to music. I'm a bit slower this morning, I feel like I might be fighting the cold that everyone and their brother had a week ago.  I don't intend to let it win, I never do.

This morning walking the boys was such a delight for the senses.  Our neighborhood is always slow to rise on Sunday, so it's a very peaceful time.  In fact it always reminds me of Christmas mornings.  It's quiet, there are very few lights on, no cars (excluding that darn paper delivery woman that flies through here), there are no other dogs to navigate, no walkers or runners either.

It's like everything is in slow motion and it feels fantastic.  No place to rush off to, no pressing work, nothing that needs my attention.  Nothing except the boys and Hubs.  Some mornings we get to see the stars and planets, other's - like today - it's like the world is wrapped in a heavy well worn quilt.  The only sounds breaking through are the rustle of leaves as the boys rush through them.  Both of them seem to love swishing through the leaves just like children.  The cracking of acorns under our feet and in the distance there are small birds chirping back and forth.  I often imagine them telling each other to hurry, there is colder weather coming and they need to prepare.

Can't you just picture the little bird wife telling the little bird husband that they have drafts in their nests and they need to patch them tight?  I know, I'm being silly.

I also love hearing the scampering of the squirrels, I know that they are busy putting away their stash of acorns and seeds, stocking up for the winter ahead. We don't see so many of them on the deck anymore, we loved feeding the birds as we have some beautiful ones here in our little piece of woods. Sadly, we had more squirrels fighting with them for their food.  No matter what we tried, those squirrels are quiet industrious and clever and were constantly emptying the feeders.

Last night while walking the boys we were delighted by a young buck - already shedding the little bit of antler that he has and a doe.  They were so close to us, only a house away at any given time.  I know the city of Manchester was holding a meeting to figure out what to do about the plethora of deer roaming around and causing challenges to cars and landscaping.  I couldn't go, probably a good thing. Because my answer is maybe the drivers should pay attention and drive defensively instead of offensively and don't plant landscapes that they find as addictive as candy.

It bothers me that we humans feel our needs are the only ones.  There is a small herd that live around us, the most I have ever seen is 6 and that was just after the babies were born. I really don't know why we can't work around them.

Today is already shaping up to be a lazy day.  I think I need it.  I am wrapping up two little hats that I started yesterday and then heading up to my sewing room. I don't believe we have plans to go anywhere.  Although that could change.  I had Hubs drive yesterday while we ran errands, I needed time for crocheting and simply didn't feel like dealing with crazy.  Usually I drive, he spends so much time driving during the week, I don't. Seems fair. I almost completed one of the little hats on our journey.

I also need to make our to-do list.  Little things that need to be completed before the boy finally comes home. For 11 wonderful days he will be here next month.  I need nothing else.  I will have both of my children with me for my favorite holiday.  I want the room he will sleep in to be comfortable and cozy. We have some general household repairs that we've been putting off and of course fall cleaning.

And if I am being completely honest, it's killing me to not drag all the holiday decorations upstairs and start now.  It feels like if I do it will bring him home quicker. I'm not going to, but it's going to be difficult.  Transitioning into adult Christmases has been difficult for me.  What traditions do you hold onto and which do you let slide away?

Well, turkey day has not arrived yet, so I believe that I will worry about that later. For now I am going to treasure this fall day.  I have cookies I want to make, we will have homemade tomato soup for dinner, I will crochet, clean (a bit), work on a quilt and who knows I might even squeeze in a batch of soap.  I love the smell of freshly made soaps.

Today, I choose to slow down.  Relax and savor life.  I need it.