In the midst of rush hour traffic, everyone driving insanely, intent on getting where they are going and looking half asleep, there was this old slightly beat up white GMC conversion van just rolling along. He wasn't in a hurry, the windows were all rolled down, and he had the look of someone with no where special to be and no hurry to get there.
He looked to be about Hubs age, dressed for a casual day in his Hawaiian shirt. The canoe on the roof provided evidence to my fantasy that he was simply chilling. Leaning slightly forward on the big steering wheel, coffee cup casually to his lips, wind blowing his short gray hair. He looked at peace with the world.
I was in awe and envy all at the same time.
Hubs and I are on a journey to that same place. I could see us owning an old conversion van, maybe not a canoe, I have an insane phobia of being out on the water in them. Small boats literally flip me out! But I could see us, loading up the fishing gear, maybe an air mattress that would fit in the back and supplies for an adventure and taking off for a few days. Not in a hurry to get anywhere in particular, but definitely in a hurry to chase some dreams and make some memories.
I am trying very hard to be in the moment lately, which is one of the reasons I haven't had time to write. I'm focusing on the path that he and I are following. There are steps that need to happen now, in conjunction with our daily lives, our work lives, to insure that path is clear and ready to run down when the time comes.
I've also been focusing on being intentional. Not planned so much, as truly experiencing life. We are just starting our 4th month without Dad. I don't know how long it takes to "get over" something like this, it's a new and strange experience for me. I don't know what society has dictated. What I do know is that I don't care. Some days I'm fine, others... well it still feels like someone has pulled a rug out from under me. What I am trying to do is work through the entire process. And learn from it.
I am learning.
Just a few things I've learned are that life is far too short to not pay attention to the small things. I've learned that in the blink of an eye everything can change and there are no more tomorrows. That being said, I'm learning to be intentional about my relationships, who and what I spend time on and enjoying each day.
I no longer have the time or patience for things that don't matter to me. I am not going to give my energy to the "users", the people that simply suck everything out of you so they feel better. Life is too damn short for that.
I am also discovering there area a whole lot of people that fall into that previous category.
I am opening my mind and heart. Experiencing everything I can. Spending time with the ones I love and care about.
In the past week, I've sat atop the bluffs with the warm sunshine on my face, sipping wine with my sweet Hubs. I'm thankful for the discovery of that beautiful winery, the view was breathtaking (the ride up terrifying for me) the wine and food delicious. I've ridden along the river road with the wind in my hair and on my face. Watching the baby eagles soaring high above. It was a beautiful spring day, the ones we missed earlier in spring, reminding us that it was still springtime here in the mid-west.
I've spent the early morning hours sitting on the deck with my sweet Hubs, enjoying the soft coolness. Listening to the birds and wild life waking up for the day. He and I are both early risers, so those stolen moments are priceless. Hot cup of coffee, the sun sneaking up the horizon, the birds chirping and singing. I can almost imagine their conversation, as the sounds bounce from yard to yard. They must be calling each other to the spots the sprinkler systems have just soaked, letting everyone know where the morning smorgasbord was happening. Time for breakfast everyone.
We celebrated "Sharing Ramadan" with our neighbors. I will admit I was quite apprehensive. The media does a great job of instilling fear and concern. For days I was worried. What if I wasn't dressed appropriately, what if I said the wrong thing, did the wrong thing. Was this going to end up badly? Then my American arrogance kicked in for a bit, I wasn't covering my head, why did I have to cover my arms in this oppressive heat?
In the end, I now sit here with my beautiful henna design still radiant on my hand. A far better understanding of Islam and the Muslim faith than I ever anticipated. And a far greater compassion for what they have experienced here in this country we both call home. Understanding the similarities in our belief system and appreciating their love and compassion. I did cover my head, not because someone made me, nor out of fear. But out of respect. It wasn't asked of me. Nor was it expected. But it was appreciated.
I have walked the largest mosque in Missouri, seen the prayer rooms, heard the beauty of the prayer and read the translations. I have had so many things explained to me and have a far greater understanding of their deep appreciation and love for their women. And of course respect.
I am thankful for the experience. And anxious to explore more things that I do not understand or know enough about. I fear too many in our country have stopped experiencing life, in exchange for a sound bite, tweet or "google" search. We absorb another's view and adopt it as our own.
I guess it is easier that way. But not nearly fulfilling.
I took time out of the past two weeks to invest in my own learning and growth, and will find out soon if I am certified to facilitate YMCA Diabetes Prevention Programs. This has been on my personal bucket list for almost two years. Ever since Hubs and I went through the first part of the program two summers ago. I saw the change it made in us and I wanted to be able to share it. I am not a health professional.
It was definitely out of my comfort zone, particularly as the stress of 2018 has lead to the rebirth of so many bad life habits. Mindless eating, stress eating, not exercising, being lazy. Sitting in that room, surrounded by young, hyper-fit, highly educated fitness professionals. I allowed myself for a moment to feel less than. My slightly chubby body, my gray hair, my lack of certifications, all ate at my self esteem. But it was important to me. So I went anyhow. I fought my inner voice, we had more than a few discussions. I believe I won.
Evidently it wasn't evident that I was dying inside and I did well presenting my portion of the "exam". It also triggered Hubs and I both to start following the things we learned. To put the skills back into place and get back to it. We've both had a successful week, even if we didn't include any working out. He has a bulging/herniated disk (shot next week) that is limiting his movement, and I really need to get this darn knee looked at again.
But we did it just the same. Diabetes has cost me far too much. I should have had at least another decade with my Dad. He lost his Dad to the same dreaded disease. The sad part is that both of those were probably something that could have been prevented or at least pushed off.
I turned off my phone when I drove and got comfortable in the silence. Spent time laughing, talking and loving with the kids and grands. And enjoyed my boys.
Hubs and I are aware the boys are nearing the end of their journeys with us. Both of them have slowed dramatically, they sleep more than wake and seem to love a bit more deeply. We are spending a bit more time spoiling them, enjoying them.
This is far longer than I anticipated when I started writing. I wasn't sure the words were going to leave my head and heart. It's been a wonderful week of focus and discovery. Of finding joy in the journey. I hope that each of you are doing the same. I challenge you to make a life that you can be proud of living. We do have a choice. We can be a cog in the wheel. Just another part of something far bigger than ourselves working for someone else's greater good. Or we can focus on what is important to us. Work our lives instead of living to work... it's our choice!
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