hello old friends...

I've been on an incredible journey.  I stopped worrying about a lot of the stuff I thought was important and started to slow things down, move them in a different direction.  I was backing up my blog today, something I have wanted to do forever, and realized it's been over six months since I sat down to write. 

I don't think it's ever been that long since I've dumped my thoughts and ideas.  Since I've shared or rambled.  I've been busy.  Busy living, busy learning, exploring things that have popped up and enjoying my family and close friends.  Mostly, I have been very introverted as I have walked along this path of discovery. 

Since I've been quiet I've discovered that I really enjoy participating in small craft fairs, something that will never make me wealthy, but will keep my hands and heart busy. I've been creating and learning new skills.  Seems I move through seasons with crafting the same way that I move through seasons with everything else. 

Since August I have found myself fully engrossed in a lot of "slow" work.  Embroidery, crocheting, and applique have been the primary projects.  I have been working on finally wrapping up a few dozen projects, nope... not wrapping up, but moving them towards completion.  

There have been hours spent learning to use my new longarm and we are becoming best friends and I adore the time spent quilting. 

Somewhere along the way, I became engrossed in working on our family trees and was finally able to make a very treasured connection for my sweet Hubs.  Now I am a touch obsessed and find myself wanting to visit graveyards far more frequently than is probably normal.

I put my garden to bed sometime in November and here it is time to start planting the cool weather seeds before the heat of summer sneaks in.  The red buds have already bloomed and I need to take some time to go an gather blossoms this week.  So many folks love the red bud jelly that I need to make sure I have an ample stash. Where does time seem to dash off to?

Hubs and I were chatting about time moving quickly, reminiscing about my 50th birthday party and how proud he was to bring so many of my dearest friends and family together for it.  I stumbled for a moment to remember how old I will be this year.  Hardly seems like it, but I will be 59 this year.  Not even remotely sure how that happened.  Wasn't I just in my 30's?  Hmmmm.... guess not. 

I've been engrossed in my journey with the Lord. Everyday I learn more, I travel down a road that I have walked passed many times in my life, never managing to glance much less explore.  Each road brings me greater clarity and appreciation.  It also brings me some regret.  So much I wish I had learned so long ago.  I often wonder what choices I would have made differently in my life, what paths would I have turned away from.  Many choices would have been different.  The beauty is that grace and redemption are there.  God never expected us to be perfect, he figured out real quick that we never would be.  But like any loving parent, he provided us the guidance to always come home. 

We spent the day chasing his roots,
seems the town is now under the lake.

Hubs and I are on the journey together and each step feels stronger than the one before. I truly am blessed.  All of this has been such a gift, it has taken away the angst and anxiety daily life was bringing.  It has given me the ability to live in a strange peacefulness that I have always felt was missing. 

throw the flying disk dad...

After we take the pups to the park (krap when speaking of it in their presence), we will fix dinner and tidy up for another night. I will curl up with my Bible, a cup of hot chocolate and read the book of Esther, it is Purim and we are all here for such a time as this. I love the story and I am looking forward to the peace before I head up to bed. 

I'm still wrapped up in a million things, with another million more swimming around in my brain that I am longing to share and have conversations about.  I don't know what the future holds for my sweet little blog.  Some days I feel overwhelmingly drawn to write, and then my daily tasks step into place and the day is gone and so is the urge to write.  

I'm not really sure what drew me to write today.  I've started probably five or six blog posts that ended up in the delete draft pile. Something made me long to reconnect.  I finished up the six batches of soap that I made this morning and early afternoon and brought my computer back down to my desk.  My old Chromebook that I have written most of these entries on has finally breathed it's last, I do believe. So I borrowed my own laptop for the lye calculators I needed. I might steal Hubs' Chromebook, he rarely ever uses it, who knows.  Plugging it back in my heart was pulled here. 

There has been so much going on in the world.  I have had many family and friends suffering from what seems like continual tragedy and chaos.  I think that is what caused me to step back, I want to help everyone and I know that I simply can't.  Then I get stuck in this bubble of not being able to do anything because I feel helpless.  It's a vicious circle. 

Just checking in

Me too!

I feel that is why I had to step away from so much.  I needed to find my center. I feel like I've found it, I feel ready to be part of the world again.  

never mind, it's nap time

Hopefully, I will be back.  Not sure how frequently, but hopefully it won't be six months. 

much love and many prayers... b

how does it grow...

This morning as I sat in the coolness of the garden with the pups around 430 am, I started to idly scrolling through social media, basically hoping to stay just awake enough for them to take care of business, but not so awake that I wouldn't fall back asleep.  

The first thing that popped up for me was a verse from the bible.  Ironically, it was not on a page noted for being "religious", more so for being holistic medicine.  I feel I was meant to see it, because this particular page hadn't been showing up for me lately... you know algorithms and such. 

It was 2 Timothy 4:3. "For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching.  But having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions.  And will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths." Those words were written around 2000 years ago, give or take a couple of hundred.  Yet reading them this morning it was as if it was describing our world today.  Are we living in that coming time?

One of the pastors that I listen to almost daily often says the Bible is a living document and the reason we should spend time reading it is because of the revelation knowledge that will come to us. She says that we can read a verse many times and then one day that verse will make complete sense. 

Our pastor that renewed our vows for us last night often says the same thing basically.  And even last night as he shared 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and it's deeper meaning with us.  I felt the same resonance. So many fail to realize the deeper meaning and to steal his words use it as a Hallmark card moment.  It isn't a Hallmark card, it is the deeper love that can only come when you invite Jesus into each moment. 

The words are living.  The words are there. 

This morning as Hubs and I sat and enjoyed our coffee and puppies in our normal morning routine we talked about how special our renewal ceremony was to both of us.  In truth, I did not feel strongly one way or the other about the renewal.  I'd promised to love, honor and cherish him 20 years before, I didn't realize the impact renewing the action would have on my heart. 

This morning, I am very thankful that it was the one thing Hubs truly wanted to do.  How many of us married folk flippantly say "of course I'd marry you again" and of course you truly mean it. But do you realize the power of it?   I can't say that I really did.  

It was only 30 minutes total of our life, nothing much really, if you look at it like that.  But standing there in the stillness of the darkened sanctuary, with just us and our pastors surrounded by the love and blessing of our heavenly father... it was so powerful, so affirming, so renewing.  There aren't really words to encompass it, the description fails me. 

that smile though!

I know I had tears running down my cheeks as we shared our hearts, prayed for the strength and love in our marriage and that of others, we both giggled a bit when our pastor reminded us to answer in the affirmative (if not it was going to get really weird to quote PK), Hubs later shared that his knees were shaking a bit through the ceremony, and through it all we felt blessed. 

We finished the day enjoying a wonderful dinner at one of Hubs' favorite restaurants with the girl and her precious daughters, so perfect since she was unable to be at our first wedding. She believes, as do we, that time spent with family is far more important than any gifts that can be given. 

Today officially starts the first full day of our next 20 years, and Hubs is already making plans for our next renewal. 

Marriage takes work. 

Hubs and I were talking about that this morning.  It isn't so much work like manual labor, but for some I guess it could be. As I was caring for the garden this morning after he left for work, it occurred to me that caring for a marriage is a lot like caring for my garden.  

You have to constantly evaluate things, prune away and discard diseased or damaged branches.  Those simply suck the life out of the plant and it will cease to be fruitful.  If either of you have inadvertently hurt or damaged the marriage, it needs to be dealt with then tossed in the compost pile.  It doesn't mean it wasn't there, it simply means that it doesn't need to stay there forever and rot the entire thing.  Besides once it is addressed and tossed in the compost pile, several things happen the compost pile decomposes it and it becomes a rich nutrient filled soil so that the garden can continue to thrive for years to come. And the plant heals, grows stronger because the damage has been removed, it thrives and is more fruitful than ever. 

You also have to weed it, removing things that do not belong.  I pulled the start of a small tree out of the middle of pepper plant this morning.  It was deeply buried beneath the foliage and if I hadn't been harvesting I would have missed it. As it was it was already about 3 inches tall.  If I had left it, it would have eventually killed the pepper plant.  I might have had a tree of some kind, but I am growing peppers. A marriage isn't really all that different. There are things that pop up, that aren't exactly bad on their own, and in the correct environment, but they sure don't belong in the middle of your marriage. Well, let me amend that... Jesus belongs in the middle, just like the frame that holds up those heavily laden fruit filled branches. 

It takes commitment.  Every morning I water my garden, unless it's raining and then I take time to thank God for the extra hand in the garden.  How often do we not take time to water our marriages daily.  My sweet Hubs has been making my coffee every morning for over twenty years, well he's missed maybe .01% of the days... shoot probably less than that. I told him when we were first dating that the Bible says men should make the coffee (Hebrews - duh - oh yeah I'm a brat), he definitely took it to heart.  It's probably the littlest thing in the world, but to me it screams I love you. 

If I fail to nourish the garden it ceases to produce and goes into full blown survival mode.  Wilting, yellowing, dying.  I grow my garden in planters, the only nutrients they get come from me.  When I get wrapped up in other things I sometimes forget to feed them and I quickly notice. A marriage or relationship of any kind is the same way.  We are all kind of like pots, if we aren't given external nourishment, we falter and fail.  

It also means a lot less of self. How many times are we tempted to put our own lives, desires, hobbies, goals etc ahead of our husbands or wives?  All of us fall to that, again we are human after all.  Sometimes that movie, sewing project, work project gets us all wrapped up, we lose track of time, we fail to do what we promised.  Not out of meanness or neglect, we don't intend to ignore, but sometimes we do.  It takes work to return our focus to where it needs to be. If I ignore my garden and fail to give it the proper attention, it rapidly becomes out of control, weed filled and in this heat wilted and dying. Time has to be made to take care of it. 

Our marriage isn't perfect, we are imperfect human beings.  Sometimes we fail one another.  Sometimes we cause pain, even when we don't mean to. Both of us pray over the other and we have always invited God into the middle of everything, even when we might not have admitted it to each other. 

I'm thankful for our life.  I cherish our love.  Over two decades ago God led me to my dear sweet Hubs, I am going to continue to lean into God to continue to be the best wife and life partner that I can be.  I'm looking forward to the rest of this incredible story. 

a kiss to build a dream on...

I guess I never bounced back to 2 Timothy... somehow I got lost in remembering the beauty of yesterday. It's definitely a verse that I am going to be spending more time exploring and striving to "learn" from. 

For now... I am going to wrap this one up and get ready to go to the dentist... ugghhh.... 

love and prayers... b

gratitude and joy...

Good morning from the treetop garden!  I'm sitting here beside my fading little fire, enjoying this beautiful morning.  I can't believe it is late August and I needed a sweatshirt to sit here beside the fire to push back the chill.  How utterly amazing. The puppies decided we should get up early today, Daddy woke up at four so mommy shouldn't sleep past 4:15 am should she?  Those "little" pups are huge now so those tiny jumps will take the breath right out of you when you are deeply asleep.  

I tried for about fifteen minutes to ignore them, but they can be quiet insistent when they want attention, besides, by then my brain had fully engaged and there was no drifting back to dreamland.  Instead it was full of random thoughts... ya know the kind... what in the world are they fighting over, is that going to choke them, oh goodness am I getting pounced again, should I just get up and start the day, what all do I need to accomplish, I could be using this time productively... yeah that list and more barged in loudly and on auto-repeat. 

As I led them downstairs my eyes were still semi-closed, my feet felt leaden, I really was still sleepy and to top it off the coffee wasn't even brewed yet.  As soon as I walked out into the garden so that they could go outside I felt whole and fresh.  The slight cresent of the moon was barely visible through the trees, I would have expected it to be further west, but I am sure that is a sign of the changing seasons.  The sky was clear and filled with stars, the air was crisp and clean.  I cherish my time outside.  

Right now I am sitting here watching what appears to be an entire family of squirrels (one of which is pure white) racing through the canopy of the trees high above the garden.  They are running through the branches, assuredly jumping and flying gracefully through the air when the distance is a bit too far.  I love watching them, as long as they stay out of the garden.  So far I've seen 5 of them.  Every few moments there is a slight chattering sound from their direction, I don't have any nut trees out there, so unfortunately they are doing any preparing for the cold winter that will soon be upon us. 

Pretty sure I am his support human,
yes he is lying on my legs

The pups are 9 months old now and every day they loose a few more of their puppy fears.  This morning they happily romped for hours in the darkness, something unheard of even a few weeks ago. I've watched them timidly more further and further out from the light.  Today felt like the day they grew up.  As they wrestled, played, ran and romped over the course of the entire yard.  They just got baths on Saturday, today, they look like little mud puddle pups again. Belle will groom herself.  Beau, nope, he is pure boy, he will proudly sit there covered from head to tail and everything in between with a puzzled look on his face that you are concerned with his appearance.  All he needs is a backwards baseball cap to finish the look. They both just went inside to take their morning nap, Belle as tidy as you please and Beau moving through the house like my personal Pig Pen from Charlie Brown. 

why lie on the mat when you can lie in the dirt?

brave explorers in the early dawn

I'm not a huge fan of non-stop sweeping and vacuuming, but they are living their best lives and bringing me boundless joy and happiness.  What's a little dirt?

The seasons are definitely shifting, each day there are a few more brightly colored leaves lying on the deck, the bright reds are starting to pop up in the trees.  My garden is transitioning.  I've let a few things go to seed, in fact just this morning I picked a huge yellow pickle, I will harvest the seeds in a short while.  It was so prolific that I want to insure I have the same plant next year.  There is still active growth on most everything, tomato bushes are heavy with fruit, peppers and beans abound.  My okra is still putting out long slender pods. 

This morning while I was drinking my coffee and watching puppies I decided I may as well work in my garden, there was plenty of light and it was definitely cool enough.  There is something magical about working in the moonlight in your garden.  I watched the spiders spinning their webs, working frantically to get them finished before mornings light, planning for the feast they will have tonight when the sun sets. I braced the tomatoes to hold them tall, so many of the plants are still covered with beautiful tomatoes. 

I am going to harvest some of the green beans here in a bit, I'll can them up in the stews that I will make today.  As winter makes fresh, local veggies hard to find we will enjoy the flavors of summer. I read an article recently in regards to smoking and drying my peppers to preserve them, I need to dig a bit deeper and then I will reach out to my friends that smoke for me when all of these peppers are ready.  The Anaheim and Pinata peppers are covered.  I feel so blessed by the bounty I've been able to grow.  Even the jalapeno's that I was sure were done, are once again covered with new leaves, flowers and peppers.  

Hubs and I spent a very quiet weekend, mostly at home, resting, puttering and watching some movies he picked.  I made great progress on the sweater I am working on, I'm anxious to finish it, but realistic enough to know that I have probably got a couple more weeks to completion. I can't stop everything and knit, although it is tempting. 

added about 6 inches since I took the picture

When we went out yesterday, I realized why I am finding more and more peace being at home.  People are getting angrier and more aggressive. Every time I go out I am observing it. We went to a couple of farmers markets, they were looking fairly bare.  Although there was a steady stream of people, all hoping to find what was on their lists.  

My heart sunk at the last one we were at, it was fairly well stocked although the prices were higher than expected.  A very elderly couple next to me were sorting through peaches, carefully filling a box, in hushed tones they were talking about canning them.  Each questioning the other if they knew how to do it, both saying they didn't, but they were going to have to learn if they wanted to eat.  He in his overalls with time worn hands and creases on his face making me think he spent a great deal of time outside doing manual labor, burst into a huge smile and assured her that he had the internet, he could figure it out. 

I'm worried about where our world is heading.  I am trying not to fear for the future, but finding myself often pondering it.  I went to a regular grocery after exhausting all of the local markets, I had to give up.  I was stunned.  So many shelves were bare, meat departments were not only basically empty, but the costs for things has risen so much.  There was barely any dairy and I was stunned to see full sections of shelves and refrigerated sections completely empty.  I watched so many pick things up, look at the prices and put them back.  If Hubs hadn't been waiting in the car I feel that I would have lingered just to observe.  

I hope you are paying attention.  Things are not getting better regardless of what we hear on the news.  The story they are telling doesn't match up with what you see in the real world.  Trying to get gas was absolutely stressful.  We sat in line for about 20 minutes, people were aggressively cutting one another off, you could see the tension as the got out of their cars to pump gas.  Sure the price is down a bit, but it makes you question what is causing the anxiety if everything is as okay as they say. 

Well, the sun is breaking across the horizon, Hubs has already left for the day, he's taking my car in for a tire rotation before he begins his busy day.  It's inspection week, I won't see much of him. My fire is almost gone, my coffee is cold, I guess it's time to give up on the slow waking up and get busy with my day.  Much to do... 

I'm sending you all prayers for prosperity, joy and gratitude....

love and peace... 

celebrating...

Happy Independence Day!  For as long as I can remember as a kid, this used to be my favorite day.  I loved the parades, barbecues, gathering with family and friends, the sparkler sticks and fireworks.  Mostly I loved the goosebumps I would get listening to Lee Greenwood sing "God Bless the USA".  

My favorite memory of it was in Sembach, Germany... what seems like a lifetime ago. We were sitting there watching the fireworks, near the speakers so they blended perfectly.  As a military brat July 4th has always been special.  Our families were asked to sacrifice a normal childhood, our "sponsor" often gone and too many times in a danger zone.  We gave up a lot of things that most people took for granted.  So to me being gathered with the "family" that you created to replace the ones you were far away from was priceless. 

It's not the same since I am no longer directly connected to the military.  That is something that is sacred and special to me. I am still thankful for every moment of it, but I no longer gather.  I am far less of a "joiner" and this year in particular I've decided to not do fireworks.  It is the puppies first 4th, I am helping them navigate the loud booms and chaos.  Thankfully, it is going well, they are freaked out for a moment or two when they first start, running through the house barking and trying to figure out the source of "danger".  If I get them in bed before it starts even that doesn't happen.  They curl up beside mommy, feel safe and sleep.  

There is so much hatred, division and lack of common sense running rampant right now, that I simply do not feel good being out in groups and such.  I am happier in my bubble.  I don't want to be a part of any of that.  I am reading a very interesting book right now, and it speaks to all of what we are experiencing today, in this time.  Ironically, it was written in 1991.  If that doesn't speak to the intentionality of these times, I simply can't explain it. 

As we are celebrating our Independence, we are a country that is being destroyed.  It's heartbreaking.  It literally brings tears to my eyes.  As sadly so very much of it, if not all of it, is intentional. And listening to politicians makes me realize that there really are war drums being beaten.  There is a lot of money in wars, just look at what is going on in Ukraine.  Who do you think will ultimately pay for that war? 

The cost of those kind of things is far too high.  They are lowering requirements to join the army, seems they don't have enough troops.  Enough?  Or just not enough that are willing to allow themselves to be used as guinea pigs for "trust the science"?  If they are saying they do not have enough troops... what are their next steps? Drafting our young men?  Will it extend to the young women?  

I'm not happy with the things going on lately.  I am not in a comfortable spot where all of it is concerned.  But I continue to have faith in all that has led us to be a shining light.  I pray that there are still enough people alive that have actually read our Constitution and fully understand all of the true rights it gives us. I have faith that there are enough people that know and are able to see through all of the vitriol and deceit that is being wrapped ever tighter around us, to understand that the division and hatred is deliberately being stirred. 

That pot of deceit, hatred, bitterness, lies and twisted facts is being stirred hard.  Because a people that do not trust or stand together are easily controlled and destroyed.  Sadly, I know many folks that are far too willing to take a face value what is told to them.  They have lost the ability to be discerning and to use critical thinking.  

There is absolutely nothing wrong with questioning everything.  With refusing to be manipulated.  When things don't make sense we need to be strong enough in our convictions to question it, to push those envelopes and to stand strong against things that do not match up with our Constitutional rights. 

So many people have laid down their lives to protect those beautiful rights.  So many more have twisted their meanings and tried to make it invalid.  So many younger people today have not learned about the things that make them truly free people, so they don't defend that precious gift. Our education system did that.  Maybe instead of marching in the streets or outside of homes and posting meme's to express displeasure, if they understood the value of those bits of paper, they would realize that the power is truly theirs.  

I was blessed to experience first hand, so many of the fairy tales that are thrown about in regards to the wonders of countries without that precious piece of paper.  I know first hand, that I would never choose to be a citizen of those countries.  In far too many cases, the trade off is not worth the freedom that will be lost forever. 

This Independence day, I am choosing to stay home.  I am choosing to honor the lives sacrificed so that we are free and independent Americans.  I am thankful for them.  I honor them.  I honor the rights and freedoms that have been given to us since the founding of our country.

Our flag flies proudly outside our home.  A family that had defended our country since it's founding lives within the walls.  Happy Independence day, whether it is day off of work for play or a time of reverence and celebration for the gifts given, I hope that you are celebrating in whatever way brings you joy and happiness.  Enjoy your freedom to feel however you feel!

sunrises...

This week is flying past, I cannot believe it is already Wednesday.  It's off to a great start, not even going to kid myself about that one.  Puppies slept through the night for the second night in a row.  They outgrew the kennel that is upstairs so they've been sleeping in the big kennel on the main floor.  Unbelievably, they stopped waking up in the middle of the night when that happened.  I'm now debating if I want a second kennel, or will just allow them to stay in this one until they are trained enough to sleep on their beds all night without destroying the house. I could seriously get used to sleeping at least 8 hours again.  I'm just saying it's a really nice feeling. 

I so enjoyed seeing the sunrise instead of the stars when I woke up.  I also prefer to take them outside in the light, they still don't know what a leash is and we do have a few wild critters out back.  So taking them out in the middle of the night is way more anxiety inducing than I am up for in the wee hours.  Add to that, they aren't able to handle the stairs on their own yet, and they are getting a bit big to carry up and down the stairs in the middle of the night.  I am far more stable than I was even a month ago, but I still get a bit nervous.  I can't believe they are 9 weeks old today.  Time is simply flying past. 

Spent this morning taking care of "business" the stuff that happens when you buy a vehicle, almost feeling I should invest in a lottery ticket or something, that's how smooth it all is going.  Called the insurance company and felt the familiar sinking in the stomach that comes with the automated voice telling me my wait would be 20 minutes, only to be listening to my options and trying to decide what to pick and getting a real person in the middle of it.  Twelve full minutes later, I am done!  I needed the mental victory today!

Heck, I wish I could share the victory.  Hubs and I have so many dear family and friends that are struggling hard right now and we would give anything to be able to make things better for them.  Tomorrow night we will go straight from the puppies first vet appointment to a memorial service for a dear friends sister.  I wish I could be there to support my sister this weekend, but I am not sure I could make it happen.  I also don't want to be more of a burden on her. So much hurt in the world right now. 

I have a ton of errands to take care of maybe today, I can't remember where all I need to go to do things like registering my car and getting my plates after I pay the taxes.  Ya know, the "good stuff".  All I remember is that it is a total pain in the bum and you can't do any of it in the same place. Not going to say I am excited about that adventure.  

So weird had no where to be for seven months get a car and there are errands that need ran.  I guess Hubs was spoiling me pretty good after my car died and I had my knee replaced.  Time to start being an equal partner in this relationship again. I have been so grateful for all of his love and support, I firmly believe that is the true measure of love, when you are simply there.  And to the point the other person doesn't have to worry, stress or even realize that they've done it all until you are ready to step back into the game. We are always there for one another.  I am truly blessed and grateful for that. 

FYI - we are not spoiled!

It's time to try to tidy my house again now that the babies are taking another morning nap (they must be growing - they sure nap a lot lately), I have floors to mop, laundry to finish and I am seriously trying to work on decluttering the house (not making much progress, but I am trying).  

love and peace everyone!

thankful for my blessings...

The warm scent of cinnamon and ginger are filling the house, I have all three pumpkin pies baking right now.  My day didn't go as planned yesterday, when do they ever?  But it's okay, because what I did instead was what needed to happen.  

There is time enough this morning.  We aren't going to be at the eldest's until around 2 pm.  As long as everything is done by 1 pm, all is good.  I am going to make a grain-free bread and side for us, the Kentucky Derby Pie will be grain and sugar free, the cranberry sauce will be sugar-free and I will make two different whipped creams (one for us and one for everyone else.  It's the little things ya know. 

I'm taking my break while the pies bake. Hubs built me a beautiful fire, haven't had one all week, so my toes are nice and toasty as I sit here listening to the wind chimes and look out at the dreariness of this beautiful day.  

Thanksgiving is so different than it used to be when I was a kid and when my kids were young.  The frantic cooking, helping my folks and then later coaxing my babies to help me.  Those are distant memories, tinged with a bit of sadness and a sense of loss.  So much water under the bridge, so many things are different. 

Dad has been gone for so long, but I feel his presence as I am working in the kitchen.  I hear different things he would say.  I can picture him telling me I'm weird for the fact that I like things he would never consider eating.  The times of over the river and through the woods to grandmothers house we go are long gone. Our kids and grandkids are scattered all over the place.  I'm not mad, I miss them, but I know they are living their lives. 

Oddly, I am thankful for these times.  I am thankful that while our babies will not all gather around the table with us, they are happy and healthy.  They are doing the things.  Having been raised military brats I definitely did not set the standard for holidays at home with the extended family.  In fact my children were grown and on their own before we did the first one.  I'm not altogether sure the boy has ever been to one. Often my daughter will make the statement that it is just a day and that any day can be picked to be a celebration.  

At first my traditional upbringing balked at that like a two year old throwing a full fledged tantrum.  Yet ever so slowly, it sunk in.  My heart started to wrap around the idea.  As it started sinking in deeper it started to align quite well with my stance on commercialism and the materialistic way things had turned. 

Now, it doesn't matter the day.  It matters the love. We will celebrate in separate parts of the country, but our love for one another will not waiver. The boy will be so far away, and I definitely couldn't make him a turkey, so I had smoked turkey (his favorite) delivered to his house.  Will he have a mom cooked meal, nope, will he feel loved and thought about, yep. 

We will gather with the girls, maybe not their complete families, the dragon is with her Dad and the boys... well we often have to wait and see what they will do. As Hubs always says, we will gather and break bread. Tomorrow I will make us a small Thanksgiving, so Hubs can have his leftovers. One must plan ahead for these things. 

I have to admit, that I was beyond happy to see all the signs saying businesses would be closed until Friday morning, I was more excited to see the ones that will not even open early tomorrow.  The shopping frenzy is definitely not my gig at all!  One time, ever, I participated (and I use that term very loosely) in Black Friday.  As soon as I saw the lines, I agreed with Hubs we went for breakfast and went home and enjoyed the day. There is absolutely nothing I need that will ever cause me to do that again. 

It makes me sad that business open on holidays, and before anyone loses their minds, I understand not everyone celebrates Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc... but if our federal government can close and banks can close, then why can't everything close that is non-essential?  If you don't celebrate and own your own business and want to be open, go for it.  But the large businesses that open because they don't want to upset anyone annoy me.  Everyone can use a day of rest, a day to be thankful for, a day to simply stay home. I get the need for gas stations, yet there are many that do not even have attendants any longer.  I understand emergency needs, but really people don't plan ahead any longer.  I grew up where stores were closed on holidays and weekends after 12 or 2 pm depending on the size of the towns... why can't we?  

Well that's a soap box for another day.  I am just super thankful to see the businesses that are putting their employees well being ahead of profits.  Oddly, the ones that make those rules that have the humble employee working are usually off for a nice long weekend when these holidays roll around. 

I will celebrate and be thankful for those that have time to spend with their families, those will be the businesses that I will support. People matter.  And we all need to unplug. 

It's time for me to get back to cooking and puttering around the house.  Wishing my loved ones a wonderful day and responding to text messages. I am absolutely blessed. 

honoring our veterans...

Roaring fire, hot coffee waiting for me by my chair while the wind rages and the rain falls down. I am married to a wonderful man!  He has a heart of love and service, I am so very blessed.  It makes me want to do the same for him, always!

It's Veteran's Day today.  A day specifically to honor our veterans.  The men and women that have answered the call of our country from it's founding.  I come from a very long line of those veterans on both sides of my family tree.  They have stood the line since the beginning of this country. 

I have been honored to travel the journey with them.  My Dad, my ex and my sweet Hubs all donned the uniform representing the Army and the Air Force, going where asked, and doing whatever was needed.  As a brat I followed my father while he served, never staying anywhere for too long, experiencing a life I have never regretted.  As a military spouse, I followed and created a home for my family wherever that might be.  Trying to keep things normal and calm while my spouse served his country for the greater good.  

I finally met my Daddy, home from Korea

Jefferson Barracks

As the wife of a Vietnam Veteran, I have been honored to be part of his healing and growth.  I have been blessed to watch the transformation of my sweet and loving husband.  When we first started our life together he still battled many of the demons left from that war and the way he was treated when he came home.  He carried the bitterness of war, the hurt from a country that spit on him when he returned.  He didn't always even acknowledge that he was a veteran.  Even though he was one of the ones that volunteered to go.  He wasn't drafted.  He also comes from a long line of veterans.  His brother had served in many of the harshest battles of WW2, he knew it was his duty to serve his country. 

GI Hubs...

It's hot in Vietnam...

The joy of a care package from home...

I remember trying to wake him from a nap, back in the early days, it was when I realized how deep the scars were that hadn't healed. I touched his arm and was very thankful I had good reflexes or I might have been nursing a broken jaw or nose as he flew up prepared to do battle. I have no idea what kind of nightmare he was deeply in at that moment, but I know the look in his eyes was pure terror. 

I will never forget that day, he didn't hurt me, he never intended to.  It was the day that I committed to helping him face those demons and lay them to rest once and for all. No one should have that weight on their heart and soul, especially as the price for doing what their country asked of them. 

Veteran's Parade

I learned to gently wake him from a distance, to allow him time to drift away from battles and events that might still be raging deep inside.  I learned to encourage him to talk about it all, to open up the wounds and rip away the festering scar tissue.  I learned to silently hold him while he walked through those memories in his waking hours with tears in his eyes.  I have stood beside him at veteran's memorials, I've helped him to search for the name of his buddy that didn't come home and take a rubbing of his name.  Held him while he has walked the terrible road of survivors guilt.  All of these battles he had to walk alone, inside his own heart and mind.  I have been blessed to be the person standing beside him, the place to come back to that is safe.

I know that he will always have those scars, but I pray that they are now a bit less sharp and wide, that they are healing.  

I have many uncles, cousins, brother-in-laws, a grandson, friends, my children's friends, so very, very many have stepped up to heed the call of our country and I am proud of each and every one of them.  Those that serve in the military are truly special.  

I am grateful and thankful for each of them that signed that blank check up to and including their lives for their fellow countrymen.  I am also thankful for their families, because they also signed a blank check.  They have all played a part in keeping this great nation safe and secure. 

I don't share what I have witnessed Hubs deal with to shine a light on him alone.  I put that spotlight on it all because we have so many veterans that have struggled so hard with what they have witnessed, what they have seen, what they have experienced and been exposed to.  Instead of generalized well wishes on this single day, I would love to see our nation truly embrace it's veterans.  

Each day so many commit suicide, each day they give up hope.  The memories and experiences are too much.  They give in to drugs, alcohol, living life on the streets in mental and physical pain because what is happening in their minds is more than they can bare.  Too many of my husband's generation are either fighting or fought and lost the battle against the chemicals that were sprayed on them while they served.  

In a few hours Hubs will join other veterans being honored at our grand-daughters school.  He's excited.  His angel face invited him, wants him there beside her so that she can share her love and pride with her peers that she has a grandpa that was willing to serve for them.  

Our veterans deserve so much more than what they receive.  They were willing to give all.  My sweet Hubs stops every single veteran and thanks them for their service.  When he is thanked he always replies "thank you for your gratitude".  It used to perplex me, make me question why that was the answer. I understand now, because he was spit on when he came home, he was made to feel ashamed.  By the same people that didn't answer their country's call.  

Whether the politicians are right or wrong (and you don't want to get me started on that one) they willingly served for what they believed was the greater good.  For the freedom of their fellow countrymen.  They deserve far more than simple gratitude. They deserve unlimited support, love, admiration, and a country that is thankful for the service they willingly provided for our safety. 

I am challenging every person to step up and do something every day to help our veterans.  Don't just post the meme about veteran suicide's and consider it done.  Step into the void, stand the post they need you to stand.  Be that ally and silent partner that lifts them up.  Donate to organizations that truly help the vets, food pantries (many of them are battling demons we can't fathom - and struggle financially) that serve vets, find a way to help.  Know that after serving your country for an entire career, life in the "civilian world" is hard, confusing and scary.  Some of them only know the rigid structure of the military, they don't understand how to function in the "real world". Some of them have lost their families and loved ones, because of the military life - it's hard people!! 

Be the difference that they were willing to be.  It's our opportunity to serve our greatest heroes, are you as strong as they are? 

love and peace... 

blessings...

My oh my what a week it's been!  I am so blessed in this lifetime by wonderful family and friends.  Last week when I was at my lowest, the strain of being isolated, alone and unable to do much for myself was wearing me down, I'd shared that. It was insane how quickly my calendar filled up.  

This week has involved a call to a far away friend, too far to grab even a cup of coffee with at this point and time, but filled with promise and hope.  Seems they might be driving right past me in the not too far distant future and I might be able to see them and grab a hug if nothing else.  Something to fill the void until we are able to spend a bit longer together. I am definitely hoping this comes to pass and working on my strength so that even if it involves a drive of any distance, I will be able to make it happen.  I miss my sister by heart. 

Another dear friend came and spent an entire day entertaining me.  At least that was how I saw it, I am sure that she had so much to do, but she unselfishly gave me five glorious hours of her life.  We hadn't spent time physically together in a very long time, between my previous work schedule, shutdowns and well life... we'd only managed to promise lunch or some time together and chat online or on the phone.  In those beautiful hours we caught up, we laughed, we worked through so shared memories that held a bit of pain and sadness and agreed that it was okay to walk away from that pain - allowing it to heal. We talked about the future, about fears, about hopes and dreams. She even ran to acquire lunch for us, since Hubs got tied up and I was still only 2 weeks out of surgery.  It was wonderful.  She's checking her schedule (mine is pretty darn clear) to see when she might be able to come hang out again, maybe work on a project.  I'm excited about the possibilities. 

I have a very dear friend, that lives fairly close, who I miss seeing on the daily.  We used to work together, now I am chasing other dreams and she is still navigating the current stream of life that she is in.  I miss our morning coffee and catch up.  I hate calling her, because I do know what her life is like the chaos and confusion of each day.  Yet she checks in on me all the time.  We chat electronically throughout the day, although it is when she is able to call or come over that I cherish the most.  We are sort of evil twins, we live in a world filled with similar thoughts and ideas.  I cherish this woman!

Wednesday found us swarmed with love!  

My girls all showed up, it always fills my heart to over-flowing, I cannot believe that my sweet mini-me is getting ready to start the tenth grade.  I'm still stunned by that.  Shouldn't she still be that adorable little cherub that I have spent many hours enjoying silly songs, conversations, sewing and cooking with? Our tiny dragon spent time playing grandma's singing bowls, I wish I had gotten a picture of her so deeply engrossed in making beautiful music. Her mom did, I should have asked for a picture.  I was enjoying the moment and didn't grab the camera.

As the day moved forward it found us sitting in the treetop garden enjoying wine and charcuterie with the girls for a moment and one of my absolute favorite people!  We'd long been promising a catch up in the garden, and it was perfect!

He's such a dear person, full of love, life and joy.  I will forever be thankful that he wandered into the old Downtown Y over four years ago.  Fate brought this wonderful friend to my life, and I am so thankful for it. He is that rock when you need one, confidant and friend, he is someone that shares hope, laughter, love, joy, sadness and a zillion other feelings as naturally as some will share the time of day or weather.  He is someone that naturally reaches out to help all around him and shares his knowledge and gifts freely.

We chatted for hours, even after the girls decided it was time to head home, we talked of plants, birds, art, friends and what felt like a million other fascinating topics.  Hubs gave him a tour of my studio and the collection of messes that need my attention - or maybe my ability to address the chaos.  

Only through his eyes ❤

This morning he shared a photo with me that he took.  It was one of my thread holders, it completely cracked me up.  Only he would look at my chaos and find something worth recording and sharing.  I love seeing the mundane through his eyes.  I am still laughing and finding joy in the simple picture about.  

I have spoken with my sister several times, she is one of the strongest women I know.  In fact, I gotta say she probably gets the family prize for strength and unconditional love.  I admire that about her.  She's holding the line for so many right now, I wish I could give her more of my strength, somehow provide a transfusion.  As that is impossible, I hope that I am helping fill her reserves and that she knows she can always lean into me to boost her up!

It has been an inspiring week. 

Yesterday I made a conscious decision to stop living in bed.  I got up and refused to go back until I was too weary to go on.  I sat up, I walked, I stitched, I migrated from room to room.  I finished our ironing and even managed to stand long enough to fold a load of clothing.  

I am ready to be human again. 

Today I crossed another bridge in my process of recovery.  

Today I decided it was time to start transitioning to the cane.  I couldn't sleep in the wee hours of the day, and heard Hubs moving around - he'd slept almost 9 hours, so I wasn't surprised. As I sat with him sipping coffee, he first suggested the treetop garden would be a beautiful spot to finish our morning coffee.  I couldn't have agreed more.  Watching me moving about he asked if I wanted my cane instead of the walker. 

I was scared.  Warning bells seemed to scream for about a nano-second and then I joyfully said yes.  I was ready. Truth be told I'd hardly used my walker the day before, I'd kept it close at hand, but hadn't relied on it to move around. 

I cannot begin to describe the powerful feeling of independence that comes with trading in two wheels and two additional legs to become a tripod.

I had no problem navigating the house with him standing near by, the walker still readily available if I started to feel overwhelmed. I was antsy sitting there drinking coffee, anxious to step out on my own.  I puttered easily in my garden.  I walked in and out of the house, eager to feel my own power. 

I don't know if Hubs could read my mind, but he asked if I wanted to try a short walk outside.  It was dark, the sky was a breathtaking deep blanket covered with sparkling starts. Of course I wanted to.  I was absolutely aching inside to attempt it. 

As I walked along, he stayed within reach, often allowing me to grasp his fingers with my free hand.  It wasn't for support, it was out of love and joy.  We walked along in the beautiful morning silence, softly talking and marveling at the beauty above us.  As we strolled down the middle of the street, to avoid all of the sprinkler systems, I marveled at it all. 

My blessings overflow.  I am surrounded by people I love and they are willing to spend time out of their busy lives with me.  I am able to walk without pain for the first time in so very long, I was able to stroll in the early morning hours on an almost moonless morning with the love of my life. 

I firmly believe that our lives are how we choose to see them. I choose to live in gratitude and love, I choose to look for the blessings. 

becoming me again...

Thank you family and friends for being my lifeline through these strange healing times.  Much love!

hello brain...

I'm awake. 

I know it doesn't seem like a great feat.  Many of us will experience the same feeling today.  But for me after almost 20 days, it is huge! I'm awake, my eyes are open and my mind feels... mine. 

When I last posted I had no idea that the exhaustion I was feeling, the mental fog, the unclear thoughts and the disconnection to myself wasn't just post holiday blahs. A let down after a strange and wonderful holiday season. 

I had no idea that my brain feeling foggy wasn't just a season shift fibro event. 

This morning I am clear. My fingers are hitting keys that actually make sense.  I've been awake since around 3 am.  And while that would normally disturb me, the fact that for several weeks I have basically been sleeping over 20 hours a day it feels good. I have stared off into space for far too long this month. 

In fact, if I wasn't so concerned with where things have already gone this year I would want a do - over. 

I am going to be very unpopular with what I feel strongly that I need to say.  Especially as I have now managed to experience, successfully, the awesome combination of COVID and pneumonia.  But, here it goes just the same. 

Live your life. 

Due to my work I followed the guidelines, I wore the mask, washed my hands, did my best with six feet. And almost 20 days and a hospital stay later, I am still going to say live your life. 

During the time that I have been ill, I know of several people that have passed away.  Some COVID related, some not.  I have been sick before in my life.  This was definitely an experience I am okay with having only learned once. But there was no reason for the world to change because I got a virus. If masks and all the other fear mongering worked, I would not have gotten sick. The truth is that virus' have been around as long as man.  We have been blessed by a creator that insured our bodies would adapt and we could survive, if meant to. 

The greatest joy I had during that period of time was when my girl was brave enough to bring that little sprite of a grand baby over to entertain me before I got too sick. We explained to stay away from Gramma and we had so much fun.  The sparkle from her made me feel like a million dollars.  Now before you freak out, please know she had already been potentially exposed and children are pretty darn safe... because you know science. 

The laughter and joy of that evening made some of the past few weeks brighter. Speaking to my children and text messages from grands made sitting in a hospital sweating and on oxygen a whole lot easier to deal with. 

My heart broke yesterday when I received a message from one of my employees, her grandfather had passed unexpectedly.  They had moved back here to enjoy time together, but because of all the fear that has been being dished up they lost all of that time. 

You cannot unwind a clock people. 

Since time began we have had people get sick, we have had bodies get tired and move on.  The one thing we can never replace, ever are the memories of laughter, time together, sharing love, hope and ideas. 

I am not saying to simply through caution to the wind.  In fact I am dumb struck by some of the absolutely idiotic things I am hearing from around the country. A change in leadership does not all the sudden cure a pandemic.  Simply rewriting rules, ideas and thoughts does not make them... well science. 

I used to be a firm believer in science.  Until I studied in it.  I used to believe a lot more and know a lot less.  

I think I told a friend while I was in the hospital that I believe I chose this time to be ill. I knew that I needed a safe, calm spot to be.  Can't get much safer than completely disconnected.  I needed a cocoon, my soul knew that. A buffer so to speak. 

I guess the coming months will show to us if we have been terrified to be controlled or if we have just over come one of the greatest pandemics in history.  Please understand that I am normally more middle of the line with the thoughts I share. Yet after this month, this experience.  I am now choosing to be allowed to have my own voice and thoughts. 

If you are healthy live your life.  You owe it not only to yourself, but your loved ones.  Spend time making a special dinner, go for that walk, do like my sweet baby grand did and build a forest hut it the park.  Get dirty. 

If you aren't feeling so great, take a moment to step back.  Take care of yourself.  I don't use my sick days, I never get sick. HAHAHAHA, proved me wrong. As I battled all the guilt and anger at myself for not staying healthy, for not being there and doing what was expected of me, I realized something. 

I work with and for great people.  I have felt so much love this past few weeks. Yet, I am supremely replaceable. They haven't missed a beat.  I could say it's because I have a great team, that I am surrounded by amazing people, and the text book answer to that is yes, I do.  The reality is the only people we are not replaceable with another comparative part is our family, friends, our loved ones. 

Smell flowers, go get wet in the rain, or play in the snow.  Turn off the television - you have been programmed. Experience life. Walk away from people telling you what to think, what to feel how to learn. Stop being programmed. 

One of my family members really upset me in a comment he made on a Facebook post. It was something harmless in regards to what I am writing here about living life and not missing a moment.  The comment was small and petty.  About not wanting to end up in a hospital or morgue. 

My anger wasn't in his saying those words.  My anger is that he chose my message to carry his gloom.  I am not going to be so willing to allow that moving forward.  Everyone has a voice, everyone has the right to use that voice.  We are blessed with intelligence, common sense and the ability to learn. We have an innate ability to grow, experience to level up as humans.  We alone make the choice to not do so. 

If I've angered you, I am sorry.  If have I have given you an opportunity to think for a moment, follow that wisp. 

But mostly, live! Make time for what is important, because in the end, the loved ones around you truly are all that matter. 

My last post was about creating, it was in the most strict sense of the word.  During the moments of lucidity of the past few weeks I have thought deeper about that string of thoughts. As this week started my brain was still struggling hard to connect to me, my fingers and brain were not even remotely speaking to each other and I couldn't put together clear thoughts.  Slowly as the week has moved forward, I forced my fingers to wrap around the yarn, to connect my muscle memory and brain in a pattern that I can do in my sleep.  

Creativity pulled me back. Creativity will drive me forward. 

I have been wrapped in love from so many areas of my life, flowers, messages of love, calls, dinners... I am so surrounded by an amazing community. I am blessed, I am thankful and I am choosing to move forward in pure love.

Go out and live!  Experience all things beautiful and growth inducing.  Turn off the television, have a conversation, agree to disagree and learn to love one another again, please....