forward, backwards...

This space in time is so strange.  The layers of life are all starting to pile up on one another in a weird sort of way. 

The deep inner person is full of joy and excitement for what is occurring and the changes that are happening.  I feel a bit guilty for it. The next layer of my inner person is struggling so hard with the world.  With what is being allowed to happen and frankly when I allow myself to tune into that layer, I feel almost overwhelmed - a bit hopeless at where humanity is going. My very outer person is starting to feel very rebellious, very much in a space of wanting to push back and yell.  Wanting to request that humanity as a whole reconnect with common sense and to stop being told when and what to think and feel.  I am dumbstruck at some of the things I am encountering and don't know which way is up. 

I am finding myself choosing to be deep within myself. Yesterday was such an incredible day for me.  I got the "go forth and live your life fully" from my Doc.  I almost had tears of joy in my eyes.  I have worked so hard on my therapy and rehab.  Intensely focused on leaving this experience far better than I was before. At almost 4 weeks to the day from the end of my surgery I was so excited and a bit nervous to sit in front of my surgeon and hear his thoughts on my progress. 

To be released for a year with only two exercises that I need to complete a few times a day, to improve my flexibility and to help prevent any further scar tissue build up was exciting.  To know that I went into that appointment needing only 10 degrees on my straight leg and was at 95 degrees (after a bit of stretching with Doc) on my bent knee.  I felt like super woman!

I was told to continue doing what I've been doing, to never push myself to the point that I need pain medication (like I would take it) and to continue moving forward. I am now able to start riding a recumbent bike, until I feel brave enough to ride my normal bike (that could take me a minute - honestly, I don't feel as invincible as I once did).

But my water loving soul was most excited to know I am finally able to be back in water!  First order of business last night was a long, hot soak in the garden tub.  I am definitely that person, and I have a wonderful Hubs that understood how badly I had been needing that experience.  He was tired from a busy day, and even though I said I'd be willing to wait until today, he got the tub all ready for me.  Lit candles for ambiance, put on soft music (432hz thank you very much), and created the perfect temperature complete with bath bombs and Epsom salts.  He patiently stayed awake later than usual so I could safely get back out of that deep tub. Oh how I had missed it.  

And as much as I had missed it I was terrified! What if I fell?

When you have had limited mobility for any length of time, anything new is a tad overwhelming.  And as I probably told myself a million times yesterday, just because the Doc cleared me to live my life, didn't mean he'd waved a magic wand and suddenly it was 100%.  I heard him say that it would be at least 3 - 6 months before it wasn't an everyday thought.  I also vaguely remembered to process the fact that he said I was looking at almost a full two years before I forgot about it completely, before it was as natural as my original knee (without the daily pain).  I might have been tempted to ignore all of that in my quest to be me again.  Trust me, it reminded me darn quickly. 

As I was so deeply engrossed in what to me, in my little world was the most amazing news ever, I was feeling selfish and greedy.  Hubs took time out of his day to take me out to lunch, I mean the news needed celebrating.  It wasn't just my internal knowledge telling me that I was healing beautifully, but the man that did the work himself.  It was incredible for me.  

But as we drove to the restaurant, bits of the outer world kept creeping in around the corners.  The news was talking about everything going on.  There was more and more that was edging into my bubble of that outside layer.  

I am an observer in most cases.  I watch people, I watch events, I watch well... everything.  I try my darnedest to stay in a semi-neutral bubble. To look at things from as many possible angles as I can.  I am that person that will always point out when someone is driving like a total jerk on the highway that maybe they are rushing to the hospital or to a family emergency.  Am I aware they are probably just a self-centered jerk that is no doubt on their phone and feeling they are special - of course.  But deep inside I want to always give them the benefit of the doubt. A moment of grace so to speak.

Last evening I opened my inner self back into the outer world for a bit.  I was reading on different social media sites.  I read a statement made by a friend that I happened very much to agree with and then watched in absolute horror as someone that I would consider probably their friend (maybe former at this point) proceeded to tear her and her family apart because how dare she disagree with his personal beliefs.  There was no compassion for her feelings, thoughts, concerns, etc... none.  It was all my way or the highway, it was degrading and attacking, some of it was downright uncalled for.  What probably should have been a private conversation, best had face to face, became an attack on a person's personal beliefs and their family.  

As I read, I was hit hard in the solar plexus, it occurred to me that we are rapidly sliding into too many of those conversations.  We've been slowly prompted to slide into them for a long time. None of us will ever agree on everything and frankly I don't believe we should. At that point, we become nothing more than machines, no longer humans capable of feelings and compassion.  No longer capable of love for our fellow man. These seem to be some very dark and uncaring times that we are living through. 

It is happening in a myriad of ways and topics.  For a while it was simply about different religious beliefs, then it became a racial discussion, then it became gender, add in a bit of the have/have nots, don't forget to add political beliefs, oh yeah, while we are at it don't forget to include a healthy dose of health issues, but all of it needs to be heavily sprinkled with fear.  

I am sure that I have forgotten a few of the things being thrown out there to separate us. I don't fear others for any reason.  We are all on this planet to learn lessons, to grow, to expand who we are as people.  I feel hurt for those that haven't quite figured that out.  For the ones that are claiming to be open minded and the wave of the future that cannot hear their own voices drowning out others.  The ones that cannot understand that we were never meant to be the same.  The world doesn't work that way.  

I'm still very lost in the mess that is Afghanistan.  I am still struggling hard that we have allowed something so tragic to happen.  And yes I am saying we allowed it, because so many of us are aware of the reality of the world right now, so many of us are aware of what has been going on for a very long time.  Yet we remain silent, we watch from the sidelines, we are horrified when things happen.  We check our own ability to rationally think at the door and allow the media, politicians and more to tell us what to think and feel. By doing that we are all culpable for what is going on. 

I include myself in that statement.  Have I done my absolute best to stand my ground for what is right and just?  Or have I been just as guilty?  Have I been willing to take a stand? Or have I gone with the flow, to simply move along to get along?  

As you can tell, I have some heavy thoughts mixed in with the joy.  I have a lot of processing to do.  I have to decide my truth.  I sadly feel that we all will need to do that.  Will we live the lives that are given to us, will we love our families and neighbors, will we be respectful and supportive?  Or will we spend our time and lives tearing down those that do not believe, look, feel, worship, think, or... well you get the point... differently than we do?  

It is so tempting to simply slide back into my inner self.  That deep one.  The one that spent the morning celebrating her newfound freedom by booking a camping site for the long weekend along the Ohio river.  Near my favorite city to visit, but tucked off to let the world slip by.  A place where we can disconnect from life for a moment or two.  To celebrate the moments of life without the noise.

I don't know where I will ultimately land, I guess that is the question that all of us will eventually have to answer.  Are we going to be okay with the freedom's that we are losing, the lives being lost, the lies being told (and there truly are many)?  

For now... I think I will continue to live somewhere lost in the middle.  I still have some healing to do, I have thoughts and prayers that need to be dug into deeper. I have places of my own heart that aren't ready yet.  I am simply questioning how much longer we can allow these things to happen.  

Peace and love... 

messages...

Yesterday I spent over an hour of my day wrapped in another woman's pain.  I felt both blessed and deeply pained that she was willing to share with me, a virtual stranger, the story that was so deep and fresh.  It's been all over the news since February.  The loss of her husband. Stolen from her and their beautiful life by a selfish young adult.

She showed me pictures, she'd brought 5 poster boards full of their life together and several packets of pictures and told me their story.  I cleared as much time as she needed from my day.  Listening the, allowing her space to smile and to cry.  How they met, how they supported each other in life, how much fun they had together and the various adventures that they went on together. She shared that they could complete each other's sentences and that they had met playing in sports at their church.  How they had known each other for a long time, but each had been committed to someone else.  And then in one magic moment both were single at the same time and the universe finally stepped in. 

I felt like I was listening to someone telling me the story of my sweet Hubs and myself.  Some of the locations were different, but the rest... strangely, hauntingly familiar.  Tons of selfies in fun places, silly pictures, dressy pictures, all telling the story of a life full of love and happiness.  Two souls that were bound to unite in life and battle any challenges side by side. 

Our stories diverged as she shared with me the end of their fairy tale life together.  And honestly that is how it felt, like hearing a fairy tale.  Only in reverse.  Most fairy tales start with the tragedy at least somewhere near the beginning and end with the happily-ever-after.  

She shared with me the painful day that she lost him.  How she heard the ring, but instead of rushing to the door as she always did she continued to be engrossed with a problem from work.  She had a haunted look as she described hearing the shot that took his life and that she now lives with wonder of what might have happened had she opened the door as usual.  Would he still be with her?  Would she be with him?

Walking silently through her pain, I simply listened.  In another time, I would have offered her a hug, she looked and sounded as if she desperately needed one.  She spoke of how she has his favorite flannel shirt that she snuggles up with to provide her some sense of comfort in the quiet and lonely house.  She shared so much that hit home like a strike to the solar plexus. 

The woman in the pictures she shared, hardly resembled the woman in front of me.  Her eyes are still haunting me. 

But it is something deeper.  

Hubs and I are doing many of the things she spoke of, planning for the future, dreaming of retirement and things they wanted to do.  Words she spoke aloud, were words that have been radiating and echoing in my heart and soul.  Thoughts that hadn't been given birth to yet. I am still in a swirl from the conversation.  My heart hurts for her, yet in a strange way I feel that she was sent to give me clarity. 

There truly was no reason for our paths to cross. A random phone call was passed to me and and the conversations began.  She was making a donation to our annual campaign in his memory.  A chance to change the future for another child to maybe prevent what had happened from playing out again.  

As she wrote the check yesterday I am sure I went a bit pale. 

The street was Leola.  Again there was that shock to the solar plexus.  My Grammie.. one of my strongest supporters in my life was Leola. No matter what I needed, I knew she was there.  And even when continents and oceans separated us I could always feel her love and hugs. 

I evidently drive past that street twice a day.  Yesterday I finally saw it. 

I've been feeling very strongly that the universe is reaching out to me, that it is trying to give me messages.  Waiting for me to understand. 

My Facebook feed has been filled with things that keep resonating with me.  Past memories of different times and similar events keep showing up.  They all keep circling back to the same ideas and topics.  Even sitting here thinking this through the back of my head is tingling, it always happens when I am starting to wake up to what I need to know.  

I know if I were to consult one of the people I see, they would tell me I already know what the universe is telling me. And who knows maybe I do.  This morning scrolling around and reading I came across another of my favorite inspirational speakers.  And the short video I watched was so powerful, so relevant, so much about where I am right now. 

I couldn't help her.  I couldn't bring back the love that was ripped away.  I thanked her for sharing and letting me lift her burden if only for a moment. She thanked me for being willing to simply listen, that I was a good listener.  I don't know about that, but I am grateful for the blessing she gave me.  

I don't know what prompted my next words, my own life/work balance is not great, but before I knew it, before the words had penetrated my brain, I told her that I would be honored to make her a quilt from his t-shirts so she had something bigger to wrap herself in for comfort.  I felt a great sense of peace making that offer.  She asked how many she needed and told me that she didn't know if he had any laying around, but that she would look.  I also felt compelled to do something I don't do easily, I gave her my personal phone number.  

In another time I think we would have been great couple friends.  Her sweet husband sounded like an echo of mine.  Similar thoughts, ideas, likes and dislikes and the same love of being good to people. 

I definitely want a different outcome for Hubs and I, yet I want to honor and cherish the message and stories shared with me yesterday. She is a strong woman with an even stronger loving heart. It sounds like she is wrapped up with a blanket of family and friends that will hold her through these times. I know her message will strengthen me throughout my life. 

As worn as I was yesterday from the mental expenditure of the day, I came home and made my sweet Hubs one of his favorite dinners.  I hugged him a bit tighter and I thanked God for the time together and asked for a much longer time after that. For the not so gentle reminders that have been coming my way lately. 

I am blessed to have my soul mate walking life's path with me. I need to remember that and not fall into the robotic energies of day to day existence.