after the chaos...

It's strange.  Yesterday was highly stressful, full of angst, anger, lack of faith in everything.  It didn't start out that way, and it didn't end that way.  Things happen. Hubs had a heck of a day, which led to some conversations that were a mix of what if's, maybe's and do you thinks... 

Over the course of the day, plans were solidified.  Back up plans were created and forward motion happened.  Yesterday, was a tough one, but I definitely think it was the match we both needed lit.  I often read a phrase lately that I still struggle to take to heart.  When people show you who they are, believe them.  I think Hubs and I both refuse to take off the rose colored glasses and want to believe the best of everyone.  

So when someone shows their true nature, it's hard.  It's a slap. It shocks you for a moment and makes you step back and re-evaluate.  Truth is, when you take off those glasses and you truly look, you see it shouldn't have surprised you.  They showed you all along who and what they are, you just didn't want to see it. 

Today is better.  Hubs is taking a half day off, so it will be a longer weekend.  Which is good as he had to be at work before the sun even considered rising.  He is going to a goodbye party for one of his guys.  I'm sure he will enjoy it.  He's worked hard all week, the break will do him good.  Physically and mentally. 

Massachusetts Cross and Crown Block

I finished up the first hint of the black and white quilt yesterday before the wheels fell off the bus so to speak.  Once life gets crazy, it's hard to slip back into those soft spots and relax.  I didn't try.  I did things I was putting off.  Hard thoughts make me want to do unpleasant things to balance it all out.  

Somewhere I will pop an accent color but for now...

So taxes are officially finished and so is our family budget for the year.  Frankly, those are two tasks I despise. By the time those were done, Hubs was home and we had just enough time to head out to pick up our milk order. 

Standing in the bitter cold, with kindred spirits, waiting on our order started to refocus things.  It was amazing to see all of those around us carrying their coolers or baskets full of empty jars and egg cartons, ready to return them for refills.  The kids waiting patiently with their parents, learning lessons that will hopefully stay with them forever. Health is important. Supporting local is important. Convenience isn't always a good solution. 

Sometimes, the little things are the important things. 

We ended up having a later dinner than planned, as the pick up window is only 6 - 630 pm.  We have to leave by 530 pm to get there by 6 pm - there is always evening traffic driving out.  It's only a 19 minute drive home, no traffic.  We always take the pups, just in case things go wonky.  Beau has to have his meds on time.  Those are some of the little things that matter, that are worth changing our world around for. 

I also realized in the chaos of the day, that I'd forgotten to make the Hubs' his chai concentrate.  He loves a chai latte, so I make sure to always have a jar of concentrate in the fridge for him to have one each day. After last night, I might switch to making the batch in the evenings from now on, that scent while it is cooking is so warm, earthy, calming.  The way it filled the air was heavenly. 

It's been such a busy morning, I can't believe that is it only 7:40 am.  I woke up at 245 am, wide awake again, I know there have to be more people in my tribe.  Those of us that go to bed early, but are awake and busy long before the sun considers the day started. I've quit trying to force myself back to sleep, I only end up with a headache. Instead, I start the day strong, I'll rest later if I get tired. 

I live on a the ridge of a common ground circle, when I am on my back deck in the morning I can see all the others with their lights on.  I know I am not alone.  I wonder if this is a new phenomenon, this middle of the night wakefulness, or if it is truly how things are supposed to be.  Are our sleep patterns also programmed?  Are they unnatural?  I know both of my children are night owls, or they used to be.  If given their own schedules they will gladly stay up and active until the wee hours.  I was the same when I was MUCH younger. 

I remember the first job I had that required me to be there by 430 am.  I thought it was the work of the devil, normal people didn't wake up that early.  It didn't take me long to fall in absolute love with that shift. I was finished with my work day long before others and still had hours of "play time" left to enjoy my day. 

I'm still that person and thankfully I am married to my kindred spirit.  Who else is going to wake up in the middle of the night and enjoy coffee with me? Or maybe it is simply part or aging?  Not needing the amount of sleep we did as youngsters? I don't know... Open to suggestions.

Not a morning pup 😂

As the day is laying before me, chores mostly finished and Beau's last med time almost here... I think I am going to head to the studio and make up for lost time. Now that all the chaos and clutter from yesterday has cleared out of my mind. 

Enjoy your Friday!

much love, 

b

processing....

I've started this one a few dozen times, maybe more.  The past few weeks have been filled with so much trauma.  Globally, nationally, locally, in my immediate circle.  I am finding myself pulling back, deeper and deeper into my own personal bubble.  I don't know that I know how to process everything I am watching happen.  I don't know that I know how to participate in a world that is so filled with hate and ugly, so full of desperation and anger.  The sense of loss is intense, it's everywhere.  Not all of it is human lives - although that number is far too high and rising rapidly.  

I've had a bit of a head cold for the past week.  Which has left me far too much time to absorb everything around me.  I'm still fighting it, and I definitely shared it with Hubs, I mean misery loves company right?  I've been intentionally blocking things at this point. Pushing myself to stop lying around and feeling miserable.  Making myself be useful, I can be just as stuffy and weary while working as I can laying around.  And when busy, I have less of a temptation to explore the darkness that is swirling. 

As I was making a jar of honey, cloves and garlic for my sister this morning, I had time to think.  In the silence rolling the garlic cloves to remove the skin, it felt like therapy. It gave me time to focus on things that I need to process, things I need to see my way to the other side of.  

Is anyone else feeling that the world around us is dark?  Filled with a density that feels off?  Where people are struggling, lost, unable to find their way?  There are deaths that are beyond tragic everywhere.  I'm not going to play the "whatabout" games that I see swirling.  No murders are okay.  A loss due to suicide is heart wrenching.  I mean I am the person that says a prayer for every animal I see that is dead on the side of the road, so that should help you understand where my spirit is. 

But it isn't even just deaths.  It's the reactions.  Three young people in two weeks have ended their own lives publicly here in our local area.  What in the world is going on?  When did we all stop valuing life?  Not just life the same as ours, not just live that agreed with us, or looked or prayed or... you get the point right?  The young people seem jaded to it.  The old seem weary.  

Personally, at least for now, I am having to pull into myself.  I need to work through the darkness.  And it isn't even just about death.  It's how ugly people are becoming to one another.  

Maybe I am a bit of a hippy, I don't know.  If you are a good, kind, loving person you are my tribe.  You are the ones I want to be around, that I want to experience life with.  If you are dark, hateful, malicious... well I'm definitely not sticking around.  I won't hate you, I won't do things that could harm you in any way, but I will definitely put distance between us. I want us all to live and let live.  I want for all of us to lift the energy, the passion for life, the goodness.  I don't understand the struggles. I am telling anyone what is acceptable, I am simply defining my acceptable. 

I know I'm not a "normal" person in today's world.  I understand that I am different.  I'm starting to question if the world might need more odd balls like me.  I am not trying to win any popularity contests, I don't really care about most of the things that matter so much to folks these days.  Come to my house and you are probably going to be a bit stunned.  I'll fix you a cup of tea, coffee, ice water - you name it - might be a bit lean on alcohol, but hey, we'll manage.  And then we can chat, we can explore tons of topics or ideas.  Just brace yourself. 

It's not pristine clean, it's healthy.  And possibly a bit chaotic for those that thrive on order and perfection.

My kitchen island is where I do a lot of my daily work.  There you will find an assortment of jars.  Some with healing mixtures, a tincture here or there.  Home made dog treats abound. Of course there will be the odds and ends of my freeze drying adventures, the samples waiting to be snacked on or used up. 

On the kitchen table (the one we never eat at) you will find an assortment of plastic plates with my chicken scratch on them telling you what seed is drying where. Currently they are all flowers, I might have developed a mild obsession.  The purple hulled peas finally finished drying and were put in storage jars today, so that space is clear for the next project. 

The freeze dryer is running and I filled trays of freshly harvested produce ready for the next batch.  I'm having to work quickly to be able to preserve the goodness before the season is over.  I want to be sure that my trips to a grocery store are few and far between.  I've become a bit radical about watching the chemicals that we consume, place on our skin or feed the pups. I try to control as much of it as I possibly can I'm tired of being a test subject for companies to make millions off of. 

My spare time is usually spent doing research on a myriad of topics that are no longer taught.  I refuse to throw in the towel and conform to this sterile and controlled world we seem to be evolving into. Learning about things that are important, yet hard to find information on is inspiring and educational. 

For example, Hubs had an appointment with his doc this week, he was curious to see her take on his thyroid.  A month ago, it was as swollen and painful as ever, the medication didn't seem to be helping at all.  I did a ton of research and asked him to trust my crazy.  He did.  For three weeks he's been applying the cream to his neck.  Doesn't seem like a long time does it?  Surprisingly, it's enough time that there has been dramatic shrinkage, to the point his doc took notice.  To the point that after many years of medication, it's possible that he will have it reduced at the next visit in eight short weeks. Sometimes the old ways are still the best.

I crave learning things that we are being asked or guided to forget.  Primarily because there is no profit to it (FYI - every time I see the word profit - my brain shows me a snippet of one of the Star Trek series - I don't remember the characters names - just the green skin and the huge ears - talking about how worthless something was because of the lack of profit - weird).

I will spend hours lost in those crazy, places.  They used to be lonely.  They used to be places where only those of us that are different spent time. Those of us that have never really fit in could spend hours there unnoticed.  Now they are brimming with brilliant people that are blowing the dust off of old texts and digging into the mysteries of the past, questioning and searching for actual answers.  Striving to be more connected to their own lives. It's fun and exciting to explore and learn.

I know I am avoiding the world for the most part, I hate it.  I want to be a part of it, I want to contribute to it's healing, I just don't think we're at the healing stage right now.  For now, I'm staying in my bubble.  I'll create, learn, expand my knowledge base and wait. The past is full of answers to move forward into the future with, if we look. 

Someday, we might just get to that healing point.  To a place where the different ones like me, have things to share with those that are searching.  I'll keep looking for the rest of my tribe and being generous with the ones I find.  Until then...

I unearthed a sweater that I started almost 4 years ago and it is my current project that I focused on completing. 

when you play so hard,
 you fall fast asleep

Don't mind me, I'm over here praying (as is my belief) and doing whatever I can to make this world a softer, kinder more loving place to be.... 

talk to you later... 

stay faithful...

b