processing....

I've started this one a few dozen times, maybe more.  The past few weeks have been filled with so much trauma.  Globally, nationally, locally, in my immediate circle.  I am finding myself pulling back, deeper and deeper into my own personal bubble.  I don't know that I know how to process everything I am watching happen.  I don't know that I know how to participate in a world that is so filled with hate and ugly, so full of desperation and anger.  The sense of loss is intense, it's everywhere.  Not all of it is human lives - although that number is far too high and rising rapidly.  

I've had a bit of a head cold for the past week.  Which has left me far too much time to absorb everything around me.  I'm still fighting it, and I definitely shared it with Hubs, I mean misery loves company right?  I've been intentionally blocking things at this point. Pushing myself to stop lying around and feeling miserable.  Making myself be useful, I can be just as stuffy and weary while working as I can laying around.  And when busy, I have less of a temptation to explore the darkness that is swirling. 

As I was making a jar of honey, cloves and garlic for my sister this morning, I had time to think.  In the silence rolling the garlic cloves to remove the skin, it felt like therapy. It gave me time to focus on things that I need to process, things I need to see my way to the other side of.  

Is anyone else feeling that the world around us is dark?  Filled with a density that feels off?  Where people are struggling, lost, unable to find their way?  There are deaths that are beyond tragic everywhere.  I'm not going to play the "whatabout" games that I see swirling.  No murders are okay.  A loss due to suicide is heart wrenching.  I mean I am the person that says a prayer for every animal I see that is dead on the side of the road, so that should help you understand where my spirit is. 

But it isn't even just deaths.  It's the reactions.  Three young people in two weeks have ended their own lives publicly here in our local area.  What in the world is going on?  When did we all stop valuing life?  Not just life the same as ours, not just live that agreed with us, or looked or prayed or... you get the point right?  The young people seem jaded to it.  The old seem weary.  

Personally, at least for now, I am having to pull into myself.  I need to work through the darkness.  And it isn't even just about death.  It's how ugly people are becoming to one another.  

Maybe I am a bit of a hippy, I don't know.  If you are a good, kind, loving person you are my tribe.  You are the ones I want to be around, that I want to experience life with.  If you are dark, hateful, malicious... well I'm definitely not sticking around.  I won't hate you, I won't do things that could harm you in any way, but I will definitely put distance between us. I want us all to live and let live.  I want for all of us to lift the energy, the passion for life, the goodness.  I don't understand the struggles. I am telling anyone what is acceptable, I am simply defining my acceptable. 

I know I'm not a "normal" person in today's world.  I understand that I am different.  I'm starting to question if the world might need more odd balls like me.  I am not trying to win any popularity contests, I don't really care about most of the things that matter so much to folks these days.  Come to my house and you are probably going to be a bit stunned.  I'll fix you a cup of tea, coffee, ice water - you name it - might be a bit lean on alcohol, but hey, we'll manage.  And then we can chat, we can explore tons of topics or ideas.  Just brace yourself. 

It's not pristine clean, it's healthy.  And possibly a bit chaotic for those that thrive on order and perfection.

My kitchen island is where I do a lot of my daily work.  There you will find an assortment of jars.  Some with healing mixtures, a tincture here or there.  Home made dog treats abound. Of course there will be the odds and ends of my freeze drying adventures, the samples waiting to be snacked on or used up. 

On the kitchen table (the one we never eat at) you will find an assortment of plastic plates with my chicken scratch on them telling you what seed is drying where. Currently they are all flowers, I might have developed a mild obsession.  The purple hulled peas finally finished drying and were put in storage jars today, so that space is clear for the next project. 

The freeze dryer is running and I filled trays of freshly harvested produce ready for the next batch.  I'm having to work quickly to be able to preserve the goodness before the season is over.  I want to be sure that my trips to a grocery store are few and far between.  I've become a bit radical about watching the chemicals that we consume, place on our skin or feed the pups. I try to control as much of it as I possibly can I'm tired of being a test subject for companies to make millions off of. 

My spare time is usually spent doing research on a myriad of topics that are no longer taught.  I refuse to throw in the towel and conform to this sterile and controlled world we seem to be evolving into. Learning about things that are important, yet hard to find information on is inspiring and educational. 

For example, Hubs had an appointment with his doc this week, he was curious to see her take on his thyroid.  A month ago, it was as swollen and painful as ever, the medication didn't seem to be helping at all.  I did a ton of research and asked him to trust my crazy.  He did.  For three weeks he's been applying the cream to his neck.  Doesn't seem like a long time does it?  Surprisingly, it's enough time that there has been dramatic shrinkage, to the point his doc took notice.  To the point that after many years of medication, it's possible that he will have it reduced at the next visit in eight short weeks. Sometimes the old ways are still the best.

I crave learning things that we are being asked or guided to forget.  Primarily because there is no profit to it (FYI - every time I see the word profit - my brain shows me a snippet of one of the Star Trek series - I don't remember the characters names - just the green skin and the huge ears - talking about how worthless something was because of the lack of profit - weird).

I will spend hours lost in those crazy, places.  They used to be lonely.  They used to be places where only those of us that are different spent time. Those of us that have never really fit in could spend hours there unnoticed.  Now they are brimming with brilliant people that are blowing the dust off of old texts and digging into the mysteries of the past, questioning and searching for actual answers.  Striving to be more connected to their own lives. It's fun and exciting to explore and learn.

I know I am avoiding the world for the most part, I hate it.  I want to be a part of it, I want to contribute to it's healing, I just don't think we're at the healing stage right now.  For now, I'm staying in my bubble.  I'll create, learn, expand my knowledge base and wait. The past is full of answers to move forward into the future with, if we look. 

Someday, we might just get to that healing point.  To a place where the different ones like me, have things to share with those that are searching.  I'll keep looking for the rest of my tribe and being generous with the ones I find.  Until then...

I unearthed a sweater that I started almost 4 years ago and it is my current project that I focused on completing. 

when you play so hard,
 you fall fast asleep

Don't mind me, I'm over here praying (as is my belief) and doing whatever I can to make this world a softer, kinder more loving place to be.... 

talk to you later... 

stay faithful...

b

lost...

I spent a lot of time in prayer last night.  Hubs and I decided we should watch the president speaking in Philadelphia.  We try not to live in an echo chamber, to be well versed in everything going on around us.  I mean after all it was supposedly the leader of the free world speaking to our entire country. 

I guess I should have been concerned when it wasn't broadcast on any of the network channels, I guess I'm showing my age, because I remember when the president spoke it was carried on live television.  And based on the title of the speech, it seemed that it should be something that was on all of the national channels.  I did hear it was covered on CNN, but I do not pay for any of those channels, I refuse to pay for non-stop brainwashing on either side. 

Maybe it's because I was raised in foreign countries, maybe it's because I have seen first hand the damages causes by the type of rhetoric that I listened to last night. Or maybe it was because I was listening with the intent to fully understand.  Whatever the reason, I was sick to my stomach.  I was up for half the night deep in prayer for our country and world. 

Last night was heart breaking, on top of the extremely eerie vibes of the lighting and the ambiance, which seemed deliberately set.  Whatever happened to the days of our presidents sitting in front of a fire place, chatting with us as if we were friends and neighbors. 

Last night broke my heart. Over my adulthood we have had presidents that I did not care for, their words and actions didn't align with my values. I've never even considered that gave me the right to demonize those who thought differently than I do. 

Oddly, looking through various social media last night, my blood turned cold with the hatred and go get them attitude that seemed to resonate in many places.  I prayed that those were bots, I prayed that those were simply AI, programmed to stir the pots.  I prayed that we the American people had not actually slide to the low that we were incapable of seeing through the hatred spewed in the bloody red darkness (fading to pink if you were watching CNN from the videos I watched later).  I prayed that the American people are stronger and better than all of that.  

We are God's nation.  We are strong, we are good people that care for one another.  We pull together even when we can't agree, we search for the common ground.  Aren't we?

If you changed the term the president kept repeating over and over again, to any number of other terms, it would have sent people into an actual tailspin of condemnation.  If he'd picked a religion, gender, nationality, skin color or whatever I'm sure you would have heard the echo's all around about the evilness of it all.  Instead what I am seeing is a villainization of a large portion of America, based on the fact that they do not hold the same beliefs. 

My heart wonders how much more will be attempted to shatter us, to render the very fabric of America useless. They've attempted over the decades to place wedges in between us all based on everything you could possibly list.  Color, gender, religion, thoughts, race, finances and so much more that I can't even remember.  And through it all, even though there have been blips and hiccups of horrible proportions we have managed to still retain the very fibers that make us a republic.  

America is a republic.  We are not a democracy, no matter how many times it is repeated and yelled, we are still (at least for the time being) a republic.  Each and every person regardless of their thoughts, feelings, beliefs, color, or anything else is just as important as the next.  And it feels that there is pure evil afoot that wants to change that.  That wants to send us back in time, that is laying the groundwork for what happened in Germany in 1933.  We all know how that ended. 

I don't care about any of the things they are trying to use to divide us, I am an American.  I believe in our constitution and freedoms.  I always have, I always will. I can't change this world.  I can't change hearts set on tearing others down and from striping away that which we hold most precious.  It's not possible.  

What I can do, is pray.  I am going to continue to stay in prayer.  I am going to lift up each person, I am going to continue to ask God to heal our damaged country and world. 

This is simply a reflection of my feelings and beliefs regarding what I watched last night. To me, in the course of my life experiences, those 24 minutes were filled with something completely unbecoming of an American president. They filled me with a deep sense of loss and hurt. Each of us will process it on our own, if you even watched it as it was not readily available to see.  

I'm going to spend some time out in the garden this morning.  Praying and processing the past 12 hours. 

God bless America once again, please.... 

love and peace for all!

rest easy...

How is it only 7:21 am and so much has already happened?  I have barely been out of bed for two hours - I needed to sleep today.  But in that time, there was a massive puppy love fest, Hubs got a haircut, and I washed and labeled all 67 jars of produce that I canned yesterday.  Sweet Hubs has already put them away.  And as I sat down to type, I noticed a text message from a friend.  I'd just talked to her yesterday, she'd let me know that one of our friends was in the hospital and not expected to make it much more than another six months. This morning I found out that she passed away.

There was a point in time that she was an incredibly important part of my life.  But as life does, we'd grown very far apart.  I don't think we'd talked in probably a year.  If not more.  She retired and went on living her life, I stayed busy working for a bit longer.  By the time I changed my life, too many things had happened, too much time had passed.  We were never really close again. 

I loved her to the moon and back.  I did everything I could for her.  She was important to me and I felt very protective of her.  And everyone knew she was protective of me.  She was like my work mom in many ways. She sat with me for hours while Hubs had the critical revision of his hip replacement, while we waited to find out if his leg and life could be saved.  We laughed a lot.  We even shared my dear Hubs - he was her work husband - she took complete responsibility for his naughty twelve year old side. 

I will miss knowing that somewhere in this city she is safe and living her life.  But I know that she was tired, she'd been struggling for a while.  It was time for her to rest I guess.  I often miss her crazy laughter and wicked sense of humor.  So many times she told me that if things ever got bad in this world she was coming to my house, because she knew I would take care of her. 

I hate that things got in the way of the beauty that was our friendship.  She was a very special person in many ways.  And just like all of us life beat her up.  I hope that heaven welcomed her with open arms and a host of friends and loved ones that left before she did.  

It feels so ironic.  Just last night I was watching a YouTube video by one of my favorite folks.  She was talking about not putting off doing things.  That it's important to move and do when you feel that you should.  To stay focused in life.  She was speaking in terms of gardening and taking care of your family, but in retrospect it could apply to everything in life.  

I had a totally different plan for today's blog, a thought that had been cooking in my brain during the long hours of putting up produce yesterday.  Today is not the day.  It needs to wait. It needs to simmer a bit longer.  Today, I feel an urge to simply get busy.  

Rest in Peace Betty Simmons... you were one of my dearest B's for a very long time.  I will forever cherish the moments we shared... I love you... 

 

move forward...

I want to write today.  There is so much bubbling in my heart and mind.  But I am struggling.  There is too much going on around me, I feel I overwhelmed with the pain and suffering of others all around me.  I feel like offering prayers alone is simply too little of a gift to give. 

I don't know how to move forward, I don't want to stay still. 

Got news early this morning that has my heart in a twist.  Prayers are being sent.  It's all I can do.  I am now waiting for more news on that front. Sending healing energy and hope in that direction. 

My great nephew seems to be holding his own.  He came through yesterday well, but needs to be sedated while next steps are planned out and information is not to be had at this time.  Because right now, they simply don't have any to share. Again more prayers, healing energy and hope.

I was starting to feel semi better emotionally.  Sitting drinking coffee, enjoying the rain that has steadily been falling, getting a text to spend a bit of time with my girl the world was feeling normal -ish.  I mean what is normal anymore? When I get a call that another friend has passed away, another bright light and bubbly person gone from this realm. 

I am actually emotionally exhausted from it all.  I am holding space for so many and I feel my own bucket leaking as I struggle to keep it all together. 

Yesterday after I ranted (sorry... nope not sorry) I decided I was going to knuckle down and do some of the tasks I'd planned for myself.  Tired or not, I was gonna make progress. I did, sort of. 

My house was filled with the wonderful scent of lavender, as I made the lavender "tea" for the dog shampoo that I have been wanting to make for the babies. I was pretty thrilled to end up with seven bottles of shampoo for them.  I fixed lunch for a friend and cleaned the house, getting item after item off my to do list.  It felt good to make myself busy, to move things forward. 

The weather warmed we went for a long walk with the pups and ate our dinner on the deck in the waning sunshine.  It was marvelous.  This morning we walked the pups in between rain showers, the earth has the most heavenly smell after the rain.  Who knew that things would be so unstable, so uneasy and so stressful just an hour later. 

I was blessed with a face to face call with my youngest this afternoon.  It made the day lighter for a while.  It filled my heart to bursting!  It's been a long moment since I've seen him dressed in his suit and tie (he's a handsome bugger) and it hit me hard that he looks so grown. He's always been that guy that forever looks 12.  He no longer looks 12, he looks like a grown man.  He shared a bit of his life with me for almost 30 minutes he was near, it was absolutely wonderful.  As I lingered over those cherished moments the world didn't feel so rocky, so tattered.  He had to get on with his day and I slid back into mine.  

I've stayed busy.  All day.  It hasn't made any of it calming or easier.  Focusing has been difficult. Forward has been hard. As I wait for news I will head out to an activity with my girls tonight.  Plants and Paint, sounds like a great distraction. Or at least a slightly consuming one for a bit. I don't really expect any news until 7 or later so a bit of playtime couldn't hurt. 

If you have any prayers you could spare, any healing energy to send out to wherever it is needed... the need is great in the world today, at least in my bubble it is.  I'm going to share whatever I have left with those in need.

love and peace dear ones...

make it stop...

Yesterday felt like it was on speed, I never thought about stopping until I crawled into bed, I even stopped to do one final load of laundry and run the dishwasher before I laid down.  I was in an almost frantic mode, I have no idea why. I just got busy and didn't seem to need to stop.  Unfortunately, it carried into the night as I woke up at 1:37 am and struggled to fall back asleep, finally falling to sleep around 4:30 am, and that even involved a long meditation designed to relax and unwind the mind.  Mine definitely didn't want to unwind last night. 

So much is going on, so much insanity in the world.  So much stupidity.  

I couldn't believe that literally every time the radio or television came on or I opened up email or social media there was someone else asking about the stupid slap that occurred on the Oscars.  I was stunned that with everything going on in the world right now, that people seemed to be unable to talk or think about anything else. 

I am still wondering how something so inappropriate and childish could have people so mesmerized.  I don't watch the Oscars, or most anything else you would find on television for that matter.  I find it a useless activity that seems to have the sole purpose of dumbing us down, of making us complacent and easily controlled.  I am not someone that buys into most of that.  So I am seriously struggling here. 

I think the weight of the world was what crept into my brain and soul last night.  I think that is where the overwhelming feeling came in.  I've been praying for a classmate from long ago as they battle for their health.  I'd heard that a former co-worker that I loved and respected was not doing well, but it hadn't been confirmed.  Last night I found out they have been placed on palliative care and is expected to pass fairly soon.  That is another bright flame that is being extinguished far too soon. My little great nephew is undergoing another procedure this morning.  It's overwhelming. 

People are worried about if a slap was real or not and whether or not it was appropriate... in my opinion the answer is no, hitting someone is never appropriate - we spend years teaching our children that very lesson. But are they paying attention to the cost of food, gas or necessities? Or it that just something they have been conditioned to expect? Increase after increase, but hey what's a person to do, suck it up and work more hours. 

For generations our country has been divided over all of the slavery that was used to build this country.  In the earliest years slavery was a common way of running businesses, the wealthy getting wealthier off of the lives of others.  If it wasn't slavery, then it was indentured servitude that sometimes never ended.  I feel like we are definitely still living in those buckets, it's just "prettier" and "nicer" now.  It's dressed up and made palatable. For the most part people are not being whipped or beaten - at least not physically.  Children are no longer physically stolen away to be sold or given away because you can't afford to keep them. 

Instead, people give up their lives working as much as they can for ever increasing expenses and higher taxes. Children are not taught skills that will translate into any form of independence from a system that feeds off their labor for their entire lives. 

Heck, I received yet another message yesterday telling me that I would save $6 per month on trash if I vote yes for adding another tax to stuff I buy online.  Sorry, still no.  I would pay more than $6 per month if I did that. 

I went to the grocery yesterday, two stops, didn't buy anything outrageous, absolutely no luxury items just basic necessities.  At no point did I even fill a cart, several things I was looking for were not even available at either store.  One of them was so cost prohibitive that I decided we didn't need it. By the time I got home and put the food items and laundry detergent away I realized that I had spent almost $400 and had less than 10 bags to show for it.  Buying enough lettuce for four salads cost $8.

When do people wake up?  At what point?  Or is it easier to be distracted by the "slap heard round the world"? Is it less painful to get lost in fantasy played out on television than to stand up and do something. 

Yesterday I watched so many people pick up things at the grocery and put them back down after looking at the prices.  I saw folks walk out of Costco with almost empty carts.  The shelves at Schnucks were fairly bare - that is pretty much the standard there nowadays. 

I have to admit, I am not the kind of person that sits around and lets things happen to me.  I am someone that puts their energy into finding solutions for myself, my family and my closest friends that I know will work alongside me.  I will work very hard to make a difference. 

Last night when I was struggling to rest I read something that someone wrote.  It was so unbelievably powerful to me. "The biggest impact you can make in the world, now and always, is to remain an individual. Avoid falling into group think, be wary of labels used to box you in, and have confidence in your own thinking. Those three things could have prevented a lot of what we're currently seeing." 

Those words echoed in my mind for hours.  We've been so conditioned to fit in, to be part of the "mold", that to speak our minds and use our on voices is considered to be wrong on far too many levels.  We learned it in grade school.  Peer pressure is a strong motivator.  I know all of us had at least one teacher that punished the group when one person dared to think or do differently. 

I never fit in.  It hurt me a lot when I was younger. Now I treasure that about myself.  I don't want to fit a mold, I don't want to conform to other's opinions.  I know I am not alone, even though I spent many years feeling like I was, now I know there are many in my tribe, I just didn't know how to find them. 

All of us were sitting quietly on the sidelines afraid to speak up.  We are still mostly on the sidelines, but we aren't afraid.  We finally realized we didn't need to speak up, we simply needed to move forward. 

Today will probably not be as frantic.  I'm a bit weary.  But it will be filled with doing the things that make a life. Sweet Hubs just called, he'd like to bring a friend over for lunch.  They are going to pick up an old broken ping pong table from the storeroom downstairs, it came with the house and we've never done anything with it. So I need to get with it and start putting together a yummy meal for them and finishing up my chores.  I'm just going to keep moving forward and keeping my eyes on the future.

love and peace... 

memories and loss...

I'm not sure I'm ready to write today.  I mean I want to, but I simply don't know where to start.  Yesterday was a huge ball of emotions. Shortly after I finished writing yesterday, as I was sitting quietly and drinking my coffee, planning my next activity for the day and watching the video that would talk me through one of the projects I wanted to start on, I received a text message from my husband. It was just five words.  A friend and co-worker of ours had passed away. It was sudden, it was clearly out of the blue, and it was the last kind of text I expected to receive.

As I was struggling to process that text message, my old boss - the one I adored working for - called me.  He wanted to make sure that someone shared the news with me.  It was so painfully real in that moment. There was no longer any doubt in my mind about misunderstandings or anything of the sort.  

A great human had left this earth. 

I sat in stunned silence for quite awhile.  A million things ran through my mind, thoughts, feelings, memories and prayers all trying to overwhelm me at once.  The part that resonated the loudest was that the world had lost an absolutely amazing, loving, kind, caring human.  Someone that was genuinely humble and unselfish. I haven't seen him in almost a year, I still remember chatting with him and making plans that never came to fruition because I moved on from my career. I remember his gentle ways, how he held people up as the greatest prize on the planet.  He selflessly worked for the good of others. 

I could go on for hours about the things that I admired about him. I know I am not alone in any of those thoughts or ideals. I also think he's probably on the other side of the veil shaking his head in that way he had and telling everyone to simply stop. He wasn't about being praised.  He was about being a role model.  At least that is the man I knew. 

He wasn't afraid to have the hard conversations, he didn't shy away from calling out so much of the bull that is passed around these days.  More than once I heard him reflecting on the current state in so many large urban cities and saying folks just weren't looking at things right. 

He was unique. 

He adored Hubs... Actually one of my favorite lines from him was always "how's Dubs?" He always had a ton of stories about things with "Dub", conversations they had or pranks that he was sure Hubs had instigated - regardless of how many times I told him that he hadn't. 

As I am reflecting on him and wishing him a well earned rest, I am also thinking about his passion for helping his fellow man.  Didn't matter if you were rich or poor, your skin color was inconsequential, religion, gender, all of it was meaningless.  I never once saw him react in anything but a kind and loving manner to all.  He truly cared.  Even when he'd encountered a situation that truly should and could have enraged him and given him right to feel hatred, he chose to be the bigger man. To look at the situation through eyes of compassion.  He was angry, he was hurt and he was completely disrespected, but he didn't approach it from there, he handled in inside his heart and moved forward with more determination than ever to spread love, peace, joy and compassion. 

I will forever be grateful that I had the opportunity to know such a precious soul, to experience all that he was and to know there is pure goodness in this world. 

I started to work on a project that was mindless, I needed the time to process my feelings, my thoughts and smile through tears at my memories.  Scrubbing and scrapping glue from the box it had been on for over 70 years helped.  It wasn't perfect, but it was distraction. 

Today is a new day.  I've read a few of the memories folks have shared.  I've processed.  I've shed a few tears and applied an emotional salve to my heart.  Eventually we will receive the news of his memorial service, eventually Hubs and I will pay our respects.  That will be the day it is truly real, that will be a moment of celebration for a life truly well and unselfishly lived, that is the day that will be the hardest because that will be the day it becomes truly real. 

For now, I think I will take the lessons I learned from him and work hard at putting them into practice every day.  Focus on loving your fellow man, to putting yourself in their shoes and when you see something that can help alleviate their challenges, do it. Don't let the media or other people tell you what is needed, experience and see it with your own eyes and then be the change. 

love and peace...

through the memories...

I woke up before the sun this morning.  Sitting on the side of the bed my fuzzy brain realized that four years ago my sister was calling me at that very moment in time, our Dad had just left the earth plane. I remembered sobbing uncontrollably, barely able to breath, trying hard to wish it wasn't so, that I wasn't hearing what my numb heart was trying to absorb.  

It's been four years, my heart now realizes that my Dad is completely at peace and no longer suffering.  All of us have moved on and we are all stronger for the variety of lessons that he taught us while he was physically here with us.  

I climbed on my elliptical and did my workout while I processed my thoughts and feelings.  Paused for a moment to regroup after working out and then drew my energy card.  Sometimes the meanings don't make sense for a moment.  Today's was "attachment", and the description is that it was time to cut the cord to old things that were no longer serving me, to be strong enough to let go of things that might be holding me back from reaching for all the universe holds. 

It perplexed me.  I basically feel that I have a wonderful life, filled with amazing family and friends, I am thankful for everything I have wrapped firmly around me. I decided I needed a moment or two to process it and stopped thinking about it. 

Hubs and I both got ready to walk our babies, they were still sleeping quietly in their kennels and we are definitely on a mission to get this potty training done.  As we enjoyed our morning coffee we noticed the sunrise coming up over the horizon - I love the view from my deck.  That eastern sun fills me to bubbling over with joy. Today was exceptional. 

When I headed down to Arkansas four years ago, it had been a day with a breathtaking sunrise too, we had walked our other fur babies, the boys were definitely seniors then and our walk was far shorter than our energetic babies walk this morning. That day had dissolved into pouring rain by the time I had left.  The weather matched my heart. 

Walking in the nippy cold of this beautiful springlike morning, basking in the light of the custom decorated sunrise, I felt like my Dad was giving me the answers I was puzzling over.  In that beautiful sunrise I could almost hear him telling me that it was okay to move forward, to not mourn his absence as he is always there surrounding us with love.  That it was okay to celebrate his life and his journey here on the earth plane and to know that he was no longer suffering, no longer in pain. 

I was a Daddy's girl.  Probably still am if I am honest.  Some of the lessons were not good ones, some of them left scars and insecurities.  Some of those insecurities have held me back for a long time, they have caused me to have fears that have absolutely zero basis in my own life.  I think it's time to let those lessons join Dad, to gently lay them to rest and move forward in my life without the fears.  

I shared a meme on Facebook yesterday, it has caused a bit of a stir.  Not in a bad way, but in a way that I hope is thought provoking. "When you want different for yourself, you have to start moving different.  Old keys don't unlock new doors." - Unknown.  I shared it because it was quite profound and motivating to me.  

I know I am not the only one that lets past thoughts, fears, insecurities, ideas, etc block me from moving forward easily.  Things that I have been exposed to have defined some of my beliefs, don't they do that for most people.  I think at least for me, it's time to unpack some of that garbage and realize it isn't mine, and to move forward from a heart based place this time, not from emotional baggage. 

My Dad was a complex man.  He was also a sum of the hurts that he'd endured, it sometimes caused him to push away the very love and acceptance that he craved in his soul.  He loved us all with everything he had, often it was hidden, but we knew it just the same.  I'm thankful for the lessons he taught me, some intentional, some not so intentional.  I am a strong person because of it. 

I am also thankful for his rest.  He'd earned it long before it was received.  He is at peace, I know this in the depth of my heart. 

This beautiful sunrise calmed my spirit, it filled me with love.  Today I celebrate my Dad's liberation from a body that no longer served him and my father-in-laws 119th birthday!  It's a beautiful day. 

love and peace... 

I'm over it...

Have you noticed it?  Have you been sitting quietly watching it happen?  I'm guilty.  I think we all are to some extent.  Last night I was furious.  I was weary and worn out.  I tried to write this last night, but the anger was far too evident and unrestrained.  I decided that I needed to breathe, to take a moment and sit with my feelings.  To process my thoughts. 

For a long while now, I have observed the silencing of voices.  I have watched in horror as even my own voice has been hushed for the general peace that I thought it would bring. Because I do not like conflict, I don't like arguments or discord.  Both of those things feel like razors to my soul.  I am rapidly reaching my own personal precipice. I am reaching the point that my own temper is nearing boiling. I am fed up with the things that are becoming the norm. It makes me absolutely sick. 

Last night was when things really started to wear me down, I had a hard time even going to sleep, so much was rattling in my brain.  Who even knows if history is real or simply another make believe story, it's always told from the perspective of the victor, so who knows what is real and what is designed as predictive story telling?  The same thing is true of the news, books, and magazines.  Don't get me started on the brainwashing facilities that we call schools. 

Yesterday I attempted to respond to a discussion on Nextdoor, it was in regards to another proposed new tax.  Because the city is concerned that they are not getting as much income as they feel they deserve to offer you the services that they do.  The mayor himself was in the discussion, saying how it was only fair to local businesses that other businesses outside of our city have to charge us additional taxes also.  I spent an hour trying to reply, to ask questions - their site is horrible, it was worse than typing back in the day of dial up service.  I know it was only their site, because I was bouncing to another site while waiting for the words I'd typed to show up.  After much thought and time I was ready to post.  Only to be asked if I wanted to risk publishing it because it wasn't nice to question our political leaders.  EXCUSE ME?  I read their guidelines once again, and decided that I hadn't violated any of them with my questions and thoughts and hit post anyway.  Immediately my post disappeared.  Evidently asking intelligent questions regarding a proposal that will impact my bottom line is a no go.  No worries, FYI I'm voting no.  I am sick and tired of the continual raise to taxes.  Add up the cost of taxes to every dollar you have... it's staggering. 

Have you noticed that logging into Facebook on your phone you get a notice that you are only seeing "relevant" stories?  I'm sorry, but who gives you the right to determine what is relevant to me?  Groups I have followed for years no longer show up in my feed and I can't force them to, I have to go and look for them if I am interested.  Newsflash, I wouldn't have started following them if I wasn't interested.  And for the record Meatball is a beautiful pitbull that I have followed his whole life, and it's none of their damn business why I follow it!

I have family members, that have blocked family, have shut them down for not having the same basic thought process.  They have been ugly and cruel because of people not agreeing with them.  It makes me sick, absolutely makes me want to throw up.  When did we become robots?  When did group think become the ideal of the day?  When did it become okay to treat others in such a horrible manner simply because you don't see the world through the same lens?

I'm sick of it all.  I am tired of the lies, the hatred, the rhetoric.  I am tired of the insanity.  

One of the foodie channels I follow posted a yummy looking brownie recipe, filled with caramel and all the other goodness.  She had to pull the recipe down.  Not because of the recipe, had nothing to do with the recipe.  BUT how dare she mention that she had enjoyed the half time show in the super bowl.  I mean seriously?  She was verbally abused for that statement to the point she removed the post to stop the ugly.  What is wrong with people?  Did I enjoy the half time show, no, but that is simply because it is not the type of music that I enjoy.  That doesn't mean that I would take away that enjoyment from anyone else, I simply didn't watch it.  For pities sake people... STOP! She ultimately had to pull the same recipe one more time before the haters stopped, even removing any comment about the half time show did not stop the madness.  The final posting was simply a picture of the brownie, nothing personal on her own personal page, because you know haters. 

I am weary of haters.  I feel so sorry for those that cannot see the ugly they are inflicting.  Or the reason for it. 

My sweet Hubs called me on his drive to work.  He was astounded at two news stories that he had just heard, disgusted might be a better one.  Evidently the ATF and the Rockwood School district are pushing the turn your loved ones, former loved ones and neighbors in for not doing what they want you to do.  

"Valentine's Day can still be fun even if you broke up. Do you have information about a former (or current) partner involved in illegal gun activity? Let us know, and we will make sure it's a Valentine's Day to remember! Call 1-888-ATF-TIPS or email ATFTips@atf.gov." 

I'm seriously not even remotely sure how to take this, to process it, to even begin to understand what they are saying here. But I can assure you that every cell in my body went WTF?  And I am not saying Wednesday, Thursday, Friday... I am questioning how the first part of that statement can even exist... 

The school district is encouraging calling the FBI for anyone that does not agree with the school board decisions.  Again, excuse me?  You are elected officials, you are not gods, you need to be listening to the parents not dictating and if they disagree you want the FBI contacted?  You admitted to calling the FBI on parents, because they disagreed with you?  

What in the name of sanity is going on in this world? At what point does the insanity stop?  When do people realize that we are stronger together, that it is freaking okay to disagree on any point and no one has to be completely right? 

There is so much that is wrong in this world right now, so many lies, so much hatred, so much ugly.  Too much heartbreak.  I mean to the north of us they are basically declaring martial law because the elected leader refuses to speak with peaceful protesters... geez... 

I have said it before, but I truly have reached my breaking point.  I will continue to blog. I will continue to give as much good out as I absolutely can. If you need me, I'm here.  I simply need to step away from a lot of the ugly, it isn't serving my highest good.  Is it serving yours?  I will have a conversation and respectfully hear your opinions, thoughts and ideas as long as in that exchange you do the same.  Who knows you may present information that after careful thought and review I will adopt into my own thought processes.  Or we may both decide to respectfully agree to disagree and continue to be friends with a meaningful relationship.  

I move we bring respectful discourse back to the table, we learn to listen with our hearts and realize that we are all being lied to, that we are all being controlled.  I don't know why, but I definitely have a few ideas... 

If you need me, I will be peacefully living my life, engaged in activities that bring me joy, that fill my soul with love and a deep sense of fulfillment. 

To steal a line from one of my favorite german shepherds... "B out"... 

love and peace...

patience...

Anyone else feel like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz?  That moment with the Good Witch tells her while looking at her beautiful ruby slippers... "you've had the power all along".  I am a complete fan of the Wizard of Oz, I have seen all the movies, read the book, and actually own most of the Wicked series.  In my office there is a beautiful ruby cup that says sometimes you have to put the hat on and show them who they are dealing with.

I definitely admit to having a small obsession. But that isn't the meaning of this blog.  I was scrolling through Facebook this morning.  Looking for the uplifting and fun posts that I knew would be there. I came across a post from a friend referring to gas prices and making the comment that "we had the power all along". 

It resonated with me.

We have had the power all along.  We just haven't had the will and desire.

I wrote a post yesterday.  It was light and full of energy. I hadn't gotten it finished before walking Neeko, so I decided to take some pictures of the beautiful morning to put in.  It was a glorious morning.  Beautiful.  Sun shining, tree's budding, a brilliant blue sky.  It made my morning perfect.

And then, just as quickly the rain rolled in.  Physically and metaphorically.  The clouds darkened before I could even get on my first conference call.  By the time I logged in there was the roll of thunder and huge splashes of rain blurring the beauty.  Making it hazy and hard to see. And as I started opening email my bright optimistic mood started to dim.

My energy card was strategy yesterday, it was telling me to plan.  I was struggling to understand the path it was asking me to see.

Later in the day, as the sky was brightening once again.  With the temperatures rising and the sound of people out walking and moving about, things that normally lift my heart.  I had sunk to a low that felt impossible to climb out of. 

My light and loving post, had never been posted.  I simply couldn't find it in me to even edit it.  My mood was black, my energy stolen and I was feeling defeated.

Words and actions are powerful. Anyone that knows me, knows that I come from a place of honesty and pure truth.  I will not ever be deceitful, heck I don't even get invited to participate in pranks - I suck at it.  So when I am surrounded by cloak and dagger, half truths and evasion.  I also don't do well with stuck in a hole, closed mindsets. I struggle HARD!

None of us knows what the path ahead looks like.  I am doing my level best to uplift and shine loving light on everyone.  I struggle when people that I love and trust cannot return that same energy.

I was afraid that I would not sleep again last night.  I was empty.  I needed the rest, I knew it.  But I also knew where my heart was, and worse yet, where my head was.

I decided to visit a couple of pages on Facebook that I knew would fill me with hope if there was any to be had.  And sure enough, one of them had a message that I felt was spoken directly to me. I allowed myself to read it a few times, to focus on the words. 

Climbing the stairs I was still lost in thought about it.  I normally do not meditate at night, usually it is my morning routine.  After the search through my crafting room had not netting me any more of the soft pale alpaca wool to spin, and listening to several podcasts. I decided I may as well try.

I'd only put in guided meditation - because frankly I was too frazzled to lead myself - and there it was.  It had only been posted that morning.  "Guided Meditation Before Sleep.  Let Go of Fear in Uncertain Times".  It was from the same channel that some of my favorite sleep music comes from so... yep, gave it a try.

It was the best meditation that I have had since the beginning of February at The Peace Place. Thirty minutes flew by and took my stress with it.  I felt so peaceful and calm inside.  So loved by all that is. 

Each of us has our own way of dealing with things.  This is mine. 

As the world is slowing and changing some folks are reacting in negativity and anger.  Some of reacting with fear.  The universe is truly calling on us to lean into the changes.  So many red flags have been up for a long, long time. I was talking with Hubs this morning, sharing with him my beliefs (which FYI collide hard with his good Catholic upbringing) that we have been individually asking the universe for things without realizing it.

I have asked for more time.  Feeling rushed and frazzled.  Mourning the loss of precious disconnectedness in a world that is far too connected and demanding. I was still going about my life.  Just like everyone else.  I was still running hither and yon. 

And now. 

My phone is silent in the morning, work isn't begging for my attention. I don't feel guilty taking the time to meditate, do energy exercises, walk my dog, or blog.  At 5 pm, I am shutting off my computer.  My phone only rings with loved ones, dear friends. I am treasuring the silence. The peace.

I know people are mourning some of their favorite activities. The physical connection.  This is for but a moment in time.  I saw that someone connected yesterday with a Bible verse.  The numbers lined up the same.  Telling us to isolate. Until it passed.

Soon enough we will join each other face to face.  Soon enough we will laugh, play and celebrate.

Patience.  A new day will dawn.
.

is everyone okay?

Just checking in... How is everyone doing?  Here in my corner of the mid-west a stay at home order is in effect.  I still go to my branch occasionally through out the week, but mostly I need to work from home right now. 

I didn't write yesterday.  

I overslept - something I rarely do.  I felt stressed and flustered because of it.  I wasn't ready to start working at 8, heck barely made it by 9.  As I didn't wake up until 8:10 and still had to walk the dog, brush my teeth, drink coffee (I simply do not understand how folks function without a steaming cup of heaven each morning - or 4... ). The fact that my employer is trusting me to work from home, the me inside - the people pleaser - was completely focused on making sure he got a full 8 hours minimum of dedicated work.  I want to honor that trust.  To not make them feel I am a waste of money at a time like this. 

That is simply who I am.  It's not right, it's not wrong.  It's simply me. 

Honestly that part of me is what caused a long and sleepless night.  Terrified that I would not wake up in time to go to the branch as I have said I will be the one there today.  I am tired.  Bone tired.  If I believe my Fitbit, I only slept a grand total of 4 hours.  I went to bed at 9.  How is that possible?

I am worried about people that are part of my team.  I am worried about what all of this will mean to them, I am also worried about my own personal future.  The realist that lives in my brain would NOT shut up last night.  Nothing was helping. 

We are all on this journey, at different places and in different times.  That means that just as one is coming to terms another is falling apart.  The unending changes and fluidity of what the entire globe is facing is stressful.  

I firmly believe we will come out of all of this whole.  Just as firmly as I believe that things will never be the same.  Maybe some of the strain is the fact that many are grieving what is gone.  They are in that stage of loss?  I don't know.  I can only speak for myself. 

Each day I wake up a bit stronger in my own convictions.  And a bit less sure of anything outside of my home, family and close friends. 

I am working hard to only have uplifting and positive things surrounding me.  I will admit that I have snoozed more things on Facebook than I haven't.  I need the link to the good.  I need to walk away from the negativity and divisiveness. I am not asking people to stop believing what they believe.  That is each person's right and belief.  I just don't have the time or energy to expend on falsehoods, negative energy, hatred or inflicted pain.  

I am working to keep my personal energy high.  I am working on the inside.  Not the inside of my home (whew - although it needs it) but on the inside of my heart and on soul work.  I am finding more time spent in silence and meditation.  I am laughing more, smiling more, seeking out those that are willing and able to do that with me. 

I can't change anything external right now.  I can't even really protect my team, which is what my nature calls me to do.  I can only change who I am inside and how I choose to react to things.  I don't care about anyone's politics, I don't want to hear the news except for facts, I want to find my own way through this jungle that we are now in.  I want to find love in my heart to send out into the universe.  I want to be the one to dry tears and offer a safe space as we navigate these waters. 

I firmly believe that how we treat ourselves and one another is the defining moment.  The love and grace that we give is what will be remembered.  Okay and some people will probably never forget that they could not find toilet paper.  I had an amazing time laughing about that yesterday with one of our seniors.  She had some interesting suggestions if anyone needs some. 

Be good to yourself.  Check in with your heart.  Are you meeting your own needs?  If not, start there.  Take a long hot shower each day, or maybe a soak in the tub.  Try to find that quiet time.  You know where you put down the electronics, you turn off the television.  Dust off an old hobby that has lain dormant.  I was talking with one of my team yesterday and she'd mentioned that she started a cross stitch pattern.  Something she hadn't done in years. And the peace that she had found doing so.  Do something that requires focus.  It will require you to stop worrying, stressing and resisting and allow you to simply be. Cook a meal to share with your family.  If you live alone... have a virtual dinner party with dear friends. 

Find ways to connect... one of my dearest friends is hosting a virtual happy hour each day.  It is after all still birthday month.  I am concerned that participation could lead to a slight drinking problem by the time this is over... but the laughter it is bringing me... well... I'll take my chances. 

My sweet Neeko crashed a virtual meeting with my safety team.  He was tired of mom sitting with the computer on her lap and not paying attention to him.  

We've been exchanging group chat's that have full of laughter and jokes.  Find ways to simply be!

Well, it's time for me to pack my lunch and get ready to just go be somewhere else.... I am sending love and light to you.  

remember when...

18 Years...

I was driving down the sunny, overcrowded street on my way to drop off my car, the USB full of music that Hubs handed me the other day playing loudly.  Deeply engrossed in the joy that comes with owning a convertible on a cool late summer morning, I didn't notice the first notes of the song that had started. 

Then it hit me, I hadn't listened to that collection of music in a long time, so I wasn't fully aware as Alan Jackson started singing "where were you when the world stopped turning on that September day..."

Suddenly 18 years disappeared.  Instantly I was transported back in time, to a place half way around the world. 18 years ago, I had just gotten home from work.  I was using instant messenger to talk to my mom back in the States, my sweet little boy was engrossed in his after school cartoons, my ex was kicked back in his recliner enjoying his annual early September vacation (football season had started) and our girl was over at her friends house, across the street. 

It was a normal day, half way around the world from where it all stopped. 

My little guy was just 10 at the time, he whirled around and looked at me.  The anger was written all over his face.  He'd waited all day to watch his shows, even gotten his homework done quickly so that he could "relax".  I looked at my ex, both of us were in shock at what we were watching on CNN - the only American news channel we had at the time.  They had cut in, breaking news, the first tower already burning we watched in horror as the plane hit the second tower. 

I quickly typed to mom that I had to go, that the towers had just been attacked.  Being a military family I think we understood quicker than others had.  I knew it would impact us greatly.  We lived in a foreign country, on a military base, within walking distance of a major international airport. I needed to get both of my babies with me.  I was frantically calling my daughter home, I understood she was simply across the street, but I wasn't in the mood for her teenage attitude.  I needed her HOME.

As my ex slowly lowered his recliner, we both knew that his vacation was over.  We both understood that soon the phone would ring; that he would be recalled to duty.  We had lived in Germany during Desert Storm, we remembered, he was always mission essential. 

It didn't take us long to process, we were numb, but we understood.  Being military, we also understood that it had to be the work of Osama Bin Laden. It was a name we new, had known, a dangerous man.

As the gates surrounding us locked we were cut off from the outside world, schools were cancelled, Threat Con Delta was implemented.  We both did our jobs as parents and employees. 

I remember feeling thankful that the pantry was stocked, that if needed we would be able to share with neighbors that hadn't had time to go to the main base and were now reliant on a very small shoppette with limited supplies.  We had no idea how long it would last, none of us had any answers. 

There is a picture that is burned into my brain.  One my ex took the day after.  I haven't seen it in years, I don't even know if I have a copy of it.  I don't need one. It lives forever in my heart and mind.  As he went about his duties the following morning, it was raining.  We were confined to our small housing area.  It was eerily quiet, as most traffic had stopped - there was nowhere to go.  The planes were all grounded.  The only sound was rain and soft voices speaking is hushed, stunned tones.  We were all walking on eggshells.  There was no where we could go.  Armed police keeping us safe were everywhere protecting us from an unknown and unseen threat. 

The picture was a single rose, wrapped in plastic, wedged in the back gate and the chains that were enforcing the regular lock.  A kind German had put it there.  A symbol of sympathy and solidarity. It was drenched from the pouring rain.  He'd done it in black and white. It was how the world felt for us.

I don't understand how that day and the days that followed felt for people in the States.  I watched the cycling news in horror.  I don't know how quickly life returned to "normal" in the US, I know that when I left Germany almost a full year later, life hadn't returned completely to normal.  It was a long while before we stopped living in threat con Delta.  Before we went back to threat con Charlie.  Freedom hadn't really returned the way we had treasured it before. 

I spent many nights working the USO so that troops passing through could call their families back home.  Making coffee and providing a safe place.  This was after a day spent working to keep our kids safe.  I spend countless hours arranging armed guards for each bus, on each trip between our bases and schools. I stopped having time to plan the fun events that I had done the year before.  It was all about safety.

It was harder for our kids to come and go from the bases and communities as they used to.  No more traipsing through the woods to the closest village for treats and meet ups with friends, our world so far away had forever changed. 

It is hard to realize an entire generation has been born and raised that will never understand the impact of that September day.  So many that are protesting and fighting because of the silos of race, religion, gender, socio-economic issues, etc. will never know the power of being united and one. 

I grew up in a different type of world. I raised my kids in that same world.  The military is different.  There are many things that I encounter on a daily basis now in my fifties that are awkward and uncomfortable, it feels like life is trying to unteach me a lifetime of knowing to simply love my fellow man. I stumble when I get sucked into conversations that include those silo's, it isn't natural for me.  For a moment in time, America was only filled with American's, it felt wonderful.  For a moment in time, we were able to love completely.  It sad it took something so ugly to do it, even sadder that we have forgotten. 

I'm sitting in a car dealership waiting for a ride.  They ran out of rentals. I technically had the last one assigned to me.  The young man on his way to a major job interview was moments behind me; he was going to have to cancel the repair appointment that it took a week to get.  

Maybe it was the day.  Maybe it was the fact that I could wait for a ride - that my sweet Hubs was able to come a get me, get me to my meeting on time.  Maybe it was that I had all of my work with me... I was able to let them give him the rental. 

I don't know. 

What I do know is that one this day in particular, with the words to that song and the memories of all the stories echoing in my mind, it felt good to be able to say please give it to him. It felt like a higher power decided it for me, long before the words left my mouth. 

The chair I'm sitting in is not that uncomfortable, the work I will get done can happen here or at the table in the meeting area I was heading to.  I was able to help make a person's day just a little bit later. In return it made my day just a little bit better. 

I will never forget where I was that day, the change it made in my life and I will always strive to honor the cost.  The innocent lives shattered, the heroes, the first responders, the working dogs, the lives destroyed and forever altered. 

Five years ago yesterday tragedy struck my family.  I remember the love and compassion even strangers gave us.  Maybe if all strive to live like it might be the last moment, love unconditionally, and not be so self-centered we can overcome so much of the negativity and hurt that radiates through our world today. 

So... where were you?

accepting...

Struggling to sleep. 

I had forgotten this part of the mourning process.  It could be my subconscious is still programmed to wake and listen for his breathing in the middle of the night.  Not sure.  I'm at peace, I'm not tortured that he's gone.  I'm hurting.  I look at his spots and my heart tightens.  It's different than the ones I lost far too young.  Yet it hurts just the same.

I struggled all day yesterday to figure out what I wanted inscribed on his box.  Torn.  Too few words to express his lifetime of love and devotion.  I finally decided late last night.  Over 24 hours of loss had the clearing ability I needed.

As I was driving home from work last night the sky, the air, everything was this strange orange color.  We had a horrible storm roll in around 6 pm.  The sky went from pure beautiful blue with bright sunshine to a deep rolling black/gray color.  You could see it moving in.  For hours  lightning lit the deepness all around us.  When I left a little after 8 pm feeling beat up and incapable of anything, the sky started to lighten.  It as still raining, lightning was flashing all around, but the sky turned orange.  I felt like I was in some strange Hollywood sci fi as I drove home. 


My mind was processing the day, some news I had received, the loss of my sweet boy, worry over how Neeko was doing.  It was surreal. It was overwhelming. I felt like I had somehow become part of the sunset, not just simply watching it.

Maybe all of those things were the reason for the stolen sleep?

Of all our babies, Neeko is the most social.  Either of the other two would have gladly been an only child.  Not Neeks.  He is the eternal puppy at heart.  The house is littered with his toy collection, he is worse than a two year old.  He's bouncy and joyous.  And he thrives on attention and love. 

The journey to this home and now has taken us from a micro zoo... 2 cats, 2 dogs, a lizard and turtle to simply Neeko.  It feels weird to not think in plural terms.  Hubs just took Neeko for his morning walk.  I guess I could have gotten dressed and joined them.  But my heart isn't ready.  I don't want anyone to ask where Gator is.  People get weird when you refer to them passing, some people just don't understand that he is our baby.  Hubs and I never had two legged children together.  Our boys, are just that, our boys.

When I got home last night Neeks didn't greet me with a toy, as he usually does.  He wandered over, head down, eyes looking sad and lonely.  I could see what had worried Hubs all day.  I couldn't have it. I am not ready for him to mourn himself to the Rainbow Bridge, he will get there soon enough.  He will be 15 in November, unheard of for his breeds. 

I grabbed a stuffed bunny from his toy box and told him it was mine!  In typical two year old style the challenge was accepted.  We played for about 15 minutes.  Chasing each other around the main floor, playing with his toys, watching the joy return to his eyes.  He even climbed in bed with me at the end of the night.  Allowing me to comfort him.  He hadn't allowed that the night before. 

I don't know how many more sunrises and sunset we will share with our Neeko.  Our last boy, I hope there are many.  I'm not ready for any more loss right now.  I'm not ready for silence of that level. 

There are other things to occupy my mind, things that will need a lot of my attention.  But for this moment in time.  I am choosing to focus on bringing joy back to a silly old boy, I don't want him to experience any more loneliness than is necessary.

I'm processing the next steps, I'm processing the news I received yesterday.  There is some educating that needs to happen.  I need to learn more.  I need to figure out what all of it means.  For today and this moment, it can wait.

This morning Hubs and I washed off the rocks that have been rolling for most of the month.  Phase 3, pre-polishing has started.  Hubs has fallen in love with one of the most beautiful stones, and I need to start exploring how to create a ring for him with it. It is so very beautiful, the energy of that stone will be perfect for him.  A few more weeks until their true beauty shines through... When do I get to phase 3 for me?

escape plans

Innocent words, harmless in their structure and meaning. Parts of random conversation.

Reminders.

I'm sliding off into an abyss.  I am not sure I am strong enough to take any more.

I'm sitting here feeling crushed.  Not even sure there are words to sort it all out.  None of the words or actions are wrong.

Problem is, they are far too right.

My sweet hubs is off on a morning ride to catch the sunrise.  He has no idea how much I have been longing for that very thing.  It was one of our favorite things to do when we had nothing.  Just an old used bike that he kept in good shape and time.

That's the problem... time...

I hope he finds the very joy we used to find together.  Down meandering roads, watching dear bouncing through the grasses. The mist hovering just about the ground and the sun taking a leisurely stroll above the horizon.

His heart felt note taped lovingly to the mirror, doors pulled shut so I could rest, was a dagger.  It was given in pure love.  An acknowledgment of the sheer exhaustion I am feeling and dealing with, pure love.

Our mornings are no longer our own.  Either he is working or I am.  I don't remember the last time I arrived home at a reasonable hour, so there is no time there either.

I am missing out on everything.

Life. Is. Too. Short.

I hate heights.  They make me sick.  Yet I'm standing up on the top of the highest cliff and there is no where to turn or run.

There is no out.

My grandchildren are finding other grandma's.  Because this one "is always working".

Anyone remember the song "Cats in the Cradle"? In this hurry, rush, move at the speed of light life that we seem to lead nowadays... it's becoming my theme song.

My dad was always busy.  Always gone.  I am becoming that person. I am living my life through a series of pictures, video clips and loss.

My daughter could tell I was hurting and upset last night, but not why.  And trying to put it into words, i couldn't.  It made me cry.  She had some pretty profound things to say, asking me if I had found a plan to make things better.  Wanting to know what my exit strategy was.  What was the path I needed to follow to get where I wanted to be.

As I sat quietly watching the shooting stars - the sky was full of them last night.  Making wishes and chasing dreams.  My heart was breaking and my mind wouldn't focus. It had been so long since I had sat and enjoyed the silence, stars and company of loved ones on a beautiful evening.

She left around 11:30, her older kids were coming out to spend the night and have quality mom time.  She isn't missing a moment in time.  She is making memories.

If I disappeared tomorrow, just got in my car and kept on driving, how long would it truly be before anyone noticed?  Work might be the first.  But my family and loved ones... Hubs would be next but not for around 10 hours (how far can a person go in 10 hours), unless someone from work called to see where I was.  My kids and grand-babies... who knows.  They have become immune to my absence.

It isn't just me.  I listened to a young lady asking what work life balance was, and was it worth the price. Because from her young space in the world, the price was far to high.  I celebrated knowing that another friend who has been working far too much told me she was taking some down time. She needs it.

What is the price?  I heard that very question asked.  And I felt the struggle all the way down to the depths of my soul.  How do you define the price?  How do you estimate the price?  The cost?  Do missed opportunities, lack of energy to be able to do anything else?  Does the loss of yourself have a price tag?  Is a person's life worth as much as they are being paid to do a job?

I'm always rushing in to concerts, recitals, missing important moments.  It feels like an eternity since I have been able to plan and execute anything?  People ask me for stuff and I have seriously reached the point the only answer I have is "no".

No, I can't do dinner.  No, I can't make plans.  No, I don't have time for phone calls.  No, I don't have the energy to engage in a block party.  No, I don't have the strength any longer for any of it.

I am surrounded by a life unlived.  I am checking off boxes and struggling as a human doing, when I crave to be a human being.  Planters unfilled, a beautiful deck paradise sitting lonely and bare. A big, well lit, sewing room, something I have longed for is still scattered with boxes, a path to the sewing machine is all that shows it can even be used.  Sweet Hubs was shocked when I told him I'd downloaded a class to help me learn to use my long arm quilting machine.  I guess in all the idleness he figured it was simply something that I had wanted for decoration.  My unspun roving hangs forlornly, on my beautiful spinning wheel. Another decoration in a life unlived.

The people I love are finding replacements to fill the voids left by my absence.  I'm not dead, although I am slowly being replaced.

One of my staff gave the mission moment this past week at a meeting.  Ironically, it was the poem "The Dash".  One of my absolute favorites.  She had no idea that was the case, she had no idea the power that had on me, has for many years.  Am I living my dash?  Or will it simply be just that, a dash.

My dear sweet Hubs saw my text.  I don't know what it said right now, it was a heartfelt response to the post-it on the mirror telling me he was chasing the sunrise.  He pulled over and called me.  He heard the hurt in my heart, not at him, but at the loss of an opportunity.

In his kind, sweet way.  He ordered me to go put on riding clothes, that he was on his way.  I didn't get to watch the sunrise.  I did get to feel the wind on my face, my arms wrapped around my sweet husband.  I did get to enjoy the beauty of the countryside as it woke up to a beautiful Sunday morning.  The cool, crisp morning air only brought home a bit more strongly the need and desire to make a change. We found a precious little family restaurant for breakfast - down the road and around the corner from no where close.

The universe has been giving me messages.  Some have been far more subtle.  Friends posting quotes.  An overwhelming feeling of loss.  Some have been razor sharp, harmless words that cut all the way to the bone, because the truth they carried was more than could be measured in that moment.

I need to start listening.  I need to follow the advice I received last night sitting under a starry sky filled with shooting stars.

What is the escape plan?  And just what does that mean?