tell it to me straight...

Serious question here... and I can take, give it to me straight... is this how it begins?  Do you seriously question when you became old one evening scrolling the internet? 

I mean I'm not really a full week into this new year, 55 was a transformation year. So many things that fully changed me as a person occurred, some great, some painful all of them elevating and enlightening.  It's parting gift my knee is definitely going to improve the coming year...

Yet not even a week later lying in the guest bedroom (because the bed adjusts), thankful for the comfy bed keeping me relatively comfortable and the super awesome Hubby for bringing yet another yummy meal,  proud that the day only took one pain medication not 3, amazed at how smooth walking is a mere 6 days later, and then.... BAM! 

Lying there listening to the storm finishing up it's tantrum and Hubs' movie downstairs all the sudden like a wreaking ball you realize I might be getting old?

What brought on this epiphany? Definitely not the surgery which went fantastic!!!  I was able come home on my birthday!  Yes I will take less than a 36 hour hospital stay for the win!!  Nope, that didn't do it.  Falling asleep on my daughter and grands, nope that didn't do it either, struggling to navigate the walker and the assorted pains that come with having your entire knee removed?  Nope!

Nope, it was scrolling on my phone, day dreaming ahead - because I don't intend to take the slow route to recovery and a positive mental attitude is best - my next step is a cane.  And I want one that makes a positive statement. 

Lying here in the dimness weighing my options between cheery dots, some brightly colored toucans or going with the flamingos (not because I am a flamingo fan, but they are cheerful) I suddenly felt older. I wasn't looking at the dull plain ones, I was looking for fun, energetic, magical - no that isn't the pain meds talking. 

Maybe it was the lights on the ceiling telling the time... Hubs loves that silly thing.  Or maybe it was the fact that I have been far too bed bound.

But dang... 

So I just had to ask.  Please tell me this is a fleeting though.  That my progress had me a bit too upbeat, that I needed a mental adjustment?

I sure don't know, for that moment there, it was powerful. 

I'm calming now, I guess my PT calling to schedule tomorrow jolted me back to reality.  I am a firm believer that age is a construct of man and we get to determine what it feels like, but for that moment.  I felt old. 

This was a wild birthday year, I celebrated with our oldest girls and youngest grands the night before.  And then off I went to my 5 am day before my birthday celebration with my Doc.  I missed most of that Tuesday.  Fun fact, people that don't take much medicine are funny after waking up from anesthesia. It lingers, it makes you super loopy and sleepy.  Add in IV morphine... let's just say my first attempt at walking a few hours later didn't go well. 

Doc Whiteside is amazing and if you are in the St. Louis Area and need an incredible orthopedist let me know!  He'd only seen me once when we scheduled, I knew the knee replacement was last step.  The pain was stupid.  So he worked off x-rays, nothing deeper.  I imagine he was super surprised to find my ACL was torn through and another major tendon (don't tell a medicated person this information if is something you need to retain) had literally disconnected due to the extreme arthritis.  A simple two hour surgery became 4.  I'm still ticked at the other docs... I mean come on they had almost 6 years to figure out why I was in pain, but I am over the moon thankful for Doc. 

The sunrise on my birthday was hazy, but beautiful and right outside my window.  I'd completed another journey around the sun and man what a journey full of changes and new opportunities it was.

So many people sent me messages and love, Doc gave me an incredible present letting me go home early, and then snuggles with my girls, my sister and her daughter and grand daughter.  I pretty much remember all of that.  I went from not walking to climbing my stairs all in a day.  It was glorious!! 

Friends have been calling and stopping by, my family has kept me from going crazy, my poor sweet Hubs is maxing out his steps and he hasn't hardly left the house, that is a lot of stairs. 

Today is the most alert and strong I have felt, so it's made the anxiety of being stuck primarily in bed stronger also.  I don't do still well.  I am digging tracks into the carpet taking my hourly walks.  I'm ready to move forward. 

I found myself not pausing when standing today, just standing.  Yes I used the walker, but it was rolling along, not really part of my motion.  

Many great things started unfolding today.  Many good, positive steps forward. 

Okay... I'm not old... Despite what I thought, the cane is the next step towards freedom, I can't wait!  And for the record as long as the PT approves the style, I think the cheerful colored dots are going to win!  It's only for a moment, not forever... 

Missed you!!

healing...

... wow, it has been a very long time since I have written. I just haven't had it in my heart.  There was no room for much of anything as I navigated my thoughts, feelings, emotions and concerns. 

So much has happened in 2020.  It's been full of chaos, uncertainty, fear, anger and so many other things. I have been learning, growing and expanding my own consciousness. I have been silent on social media, in life, I have had very little contact that was required for me to exist. 

I am healing.  I am not the same person I was when I started this year.  Many things that were important... they no longer matter. That doesn't mean the people don't. Slowly I am adding people and things back into my bubble.  I am just being very careful as to how I do that. 

Yesterday started my 55th journey.  

So much has changed.  So many things are different.  My lens has changed.  Dramatically.  One of the reason's I haven't written.  I am still processing my thoughts, studies, the information I am weeding through. No one needed to be completely part of that process.  My poor hubs has probably felt I am a bit off my rocker, but in true Hubs fashion has followed the path and journey with me. 

I am filled with love and hope for our world, I am grateful for the amazing people that are traveling on my journey with me.  I firmly believe that God brings you the people you need when you need them most.  I am blessed by many.  Grateful for their love, energy, thoughts and prayers.  

2020... You are definitely a year to remember.  I am not sure that I will continue this blog. It may have run its course and filled it's place in my life, I am still working through it.  In fact I am considering a different platform... a new journey. I haven't decided.  I am still working through this portion of who I am and the journey that I wish to continue.  To me 55 is a bigger milestone than 50 was.  It's a turning point in my head. 

This morning as I prepared to return to work, I found myself choosing to wear colors that are completely not me.  My daughter gave me a beautiful dress that I would have never bought myself.  I am loving the light and airiness of it.  The colors and style are liberating.  I'm definitely not wearing my signature black.  It was a choice.  I like it. 

I needed these 5 days of nothingness.  I feel refreshed and ready for this moment.  Not excited about the a/c situation awaiting me, but... 

Thank you all for being a part of my journey.  Thank you for filling those holes in my life when I have needed it.  And thank you for allowing me to be your bridge when you weren't able to do it yourself. 

I am not promising that I will be back.  I am still deep in prayer and meditation about where my journey is going. But I will completely keep you in my heart forever, regardless where this journey takes me... 

thoughts...

2:37 am. Why on earth am I awake and alert at such a time?  Does my body not know that I need rest more than ever right now?  Did it miss the memo?

A million disjointed thoughts were running through my mind.  Nothing was working.  I was simply awake.

My guess is those thoughts that are bubbling to the surface at a speed that seems beyond comprehension are important. Why else would they wake me?  Disrupt much needed rest?

The randomness is powerful.  As I sat silently meditating the words that kept flashing through my mind don't seem to make sense.  I kept hearing Sue telling me I come from a long line of powerful women healers and it is my destiny. Let me be clear, I m definitely not in any career path involved in healing.  The sight of blood is enough to almost make me pass out. My sisters all work with healing.

I kept hearing hope. 

And I felt an overwhelming need to write.

My thoughts aren't important.  I am not a great leader that will guide us anywhere.  I am just a single human doing my best in a very unstable and off balanced world.

So many thoughts, so garbled and tumbled.  I think they are a reflection of my emotions. I am so torn with where we are right now.  I can't understand my own feelings to this virus and it's purpose and impact.  How do I guide others through it?

I have always firmly believed that nothing happens without a purpose.  I very firmly believe what we are going through now falls into that same category.

What is the purpose?  As we closed our doors with heavy hearts last night to our members, we know it is for just a moment in time. It is to allow the curve to flatten.  To stop this virus that I heard a medical professional describe as "slippery".  That it has been able to mutate at a far more rapid pace than expected.  That is sweeping across this beautiful planet.

I don't feel fear.  Not for myself.  I am curious.  I am trying to find my place in the unsteadiness.  I am worried for people that are unable to work.  At least for a moment I am okay, Hubs is okay.  My children are.  I haven't had time to check in with everyone.  Just my immediate family.  I am scrambling to keep up with this ever evolving, silent entity.

Were the fires in Australia earlier a prelude?  I keep reflecting back to the pictures that started coming out as that incredible devastation was concluding.  One is burned into my memory, brilliant flowers and greenery growing almost immediately in the midst of all the burnt, charred blackness of before.

My heart feels that was a promise. 

We are going into a period of great change.  We will never go back to where we were just a week ago.  I remember our staff lunch two weeks ago and all of us sitting around laughing and talking.  Of course the corona-virus came up, it's been a topic that lived in the background for months now. Almost as a whole we were saying we weren't sure what to believe, it was being blown out of proportion, even making some crude jokes meant to lighten the mood. Did we already know deep inside that levity was needed?  That something bigger was coming?

I was not worried a week ago.  Slowly, that has shifted.  I feel it is something that we can overcome, I feel strongly in my heart that if we can globally shift into this period of self-isolation.  Minimum contact, moving slower and safer that we can flatten the curve.  We can stop this. 

For a long time now we've been moving at a break neck speed.  I have written for years about the need to slow down and savor life.  I have mourned that we are not teaching our children basics, that we are becoming machine like.  I myself have been one of the voices that has echoed the need to slow down, to go back to that simpler time. Has the universe been noticing too?

I giggle a bit when I read all the folks on Facebook asking what am I going to do with my child/children for months (as across the planet schools are closing for the year).  Maybe I giggle because I am on the other side of raising my babies.  My sweet babies are grown and living their own lives.  And then I see the plethora of posts with ideas.  The very ideas that I did with my kids, that my parents did with us.

We need to heal the family unit.  And it doesn't matter what your family looks like.  My sweet daughter loses her mind some days.  Her youngest will give her as much gray hair as she gave me.  Yet the love and joy I find watching her raise those children is inspiring.  She allows them to live, experience things, try out life.  They cook, they try gardening, they paint, they build, the talk, they laugh.  It's not utopia, it's life.

Children learn in many ways.  I believe that our school system is broken.  It has been for a very long time. We aren't teaching kids life, we are teaching them memorization.  Maybe this is here now to reset that.  Make playdoh, get your fingers dirty, learn to cook, sew, maybe a few life skills.  The things that we have gotten to busy to pass on.

I don't know what the other side of this looks like.  I still haven't processed how I feel.  I am worried thinking about things around me collapsing.  I had to change that thought.  I don't feel worried.  I feel wonder and curiosity.  Yet I am not truly afraid.

Things will look different. Things will feel different. 

People will be different. 

Oddly, I am not sensing the low vibrations that I thought I would feel.  I am curious as to what this is hiding from us. But, I always feel that when the media focuses too hard on any one thing. 

All I know for certain, is that we are never going back.

Those days and times are over.  Take time to be more connected in different ways.  Teach your children things you have forgotten, or if you never learned... I'm sure there is a YouTube channel full of ideas.  Take advantage of all the virtual stuff that is being offered.  Keep an open mind, help where you can, lift other's up - even if it is simply sharing something positive on social media. 

If it's raining, put on your rain boots and go splash in some puddles and search for rainbows.

Be smart.  Bow your head in prayer if that is your belief.  Meditate. Take time to keep yourself and all those around you in a good place.  Walk in the sunshine.  Learn, read, grow...

The possibilities are endless, stop believing they aren't.

Think outside of the box that you have been living in. And do not live in fear.

Like I said, tons of things are swirling, so much I haven't had time to process.

Love and light everyone... I am holding space for you!

shhhhh...

That's not your path, that is not the way you should go.  This is not the journey for you.  Do you ever hear those soft voices?  Do you listen or do you ignore them if you do?  I have always heard those soft voices in my head.  Too many times in life I have doubled down and run head first into those gates.  Willing to shatter them to bullheadedly have my way.  I didn't want to hear those soft voices.

Each time, it ended poorly.  I don't think I truly started hearing them until my world crashed down on me in 2002.  I fought like crazy, I knew better than the universe.  I knew better than all of the powers that existed.  I was going to have my way.  Period.

That year full of two's was a turning point for me.  A big one.  It was very late in that year, when broken, damaged and willing to give up, I finally chose to give in. I let the highest powers finally guide my life. I guess you have to hit that point, I guess when you are down as far as you have the ability to fall is the moment that you can finally learn to listen. 

I had to be humbled.  I had to be brought to my knees, literally. Once I gave up and stopped fighting, I was gifted with many things.  A new life, a loving husband, renewed health and a chance to find me.

Each year I have learned to be quieter to listen more carefully.

I am learning each day.  Today after work I decided I needed to walk.  It's been a rough week.  Full of challenges, full of things that a few years ago would have leveled me for a moment or two. I needed the beauty of nature, the healing power of the sunshine on my face and the joy that comes from simply being with the highest power.

I haven't mastered it, that is my current path.  Yet when I listen, when I follow where it leads me, I find greater joy in life.  It's the smallest things that fill my heart and soul with pure beauty.  I am trying to always follow where I am led.  Be it a walk in the park, into a conversation that needs to be had.  To a quiet dinner or movie with my sweet hubs, or even just a moment to unplug and create.

I am learning to find the paths that are meant for me.  As I was listening to my podcasts today and walking through those beautiful gardens I felt renewed.  It was talking about spending your time and energy on the good things and walking away from things not meant for you.  That life is supposed to be full of love, light, laughter and joy.  I could not agree more.

This journey is meant for me.  The sunshine, the peace, the steps, the food.  The time with my Hubs, my kids, my grand-kids, and my friends.  Frolicking with my sweet fur baby. And finding great peace and love in where my life is taking me. 

This is another year full of two's.  It's definitely going to be one that shapes and molds me...

powerful...

Strong. Steady. Focused.

This morning as the sky had barely started to lighten, still no promise of the rising sun gently kissing the sky.  I laced up my walking shoes and for the first time in three days I felt ready to deal with the world.  A minor bug had sidelined me a bit.  Life's way of saying stop, rest.

It was a whopping 25 degrees of bitterness, as it had been so cold before, it felt like a minor heat wave.  As I popped my earbuds in and opened YouTube - looking for the speaker my dear friend recommended (Abraham Hicks for anyone feeling so drawn) - there it was.  At the top of my screen "A Message from the Universe".  All decorated in pink flowers, bold and clear.

I was drawn to it.  At first when it said it was recorded in May of 2019, I almost skipped.  I told myself it was because I didn't want to take my gloves off to push the buttons.  That it was simply too cold.  Besides it was less than 15 minutes.  I could handle anything for 15 minutes.

I started my walk.

My steps were strong, they haven't been.  My energy has been very low and I've felt less than.  I wasn't fast, that is never the point of my walks.  I hadn't decided how far I was going to walk, just knew that I needed that time in the fresh air.  I needed to clear my head to be ready to face what promised to be a long day. I knew that the glittering stars and the crisp morning air was calling to me.

Initially, I was only semi-listening to the words in my ears.  I think I heard them, because bits and pieces were resonating with me.  I usually think about a blog while walking or in moments of peace.  So much inspiration is there when it becomes silent.

As I allowed my mind to quiet and my heart to start listening to the words, I felt validated.  I felt like it truly was a message that I needed.  It focuses on becoming selfish.  Not out of a lack of love for others, but out of a strong desire to be more loving.

It gave me hope to remain steady in my journey.  Each of us is on a journey.  Each of us has the absolute power to create a life of love, plenty, joy and fulfillment.  Not all of us are ready to hear that, to internalize it, or to move forward.  To be steady.

I am nearing the end of the 7th month of my journey, my intentional focused journey.  There are missteps.  There are moments that I feel defeated.  There are moments that I allow negative energy to invade my most inner energy.

And then magic happens.

Was it a random algorithm that selected that as my listening option this morning?  There are thousands of other talks that could have shown up.  There are other speakers, topics and directions the algorithms could have selected.

This mornings talks held me focused.  They reassured me that I am on the right path on my journey.  That I am healing my body, mind and spirit.  As I wandered my neighborhood at a steady pace, I was able to bask in the brilliance of a breathtaking and inspiring sunrise.  As I came around the corner at the crest of the hill I was walking on, I had to stop to take the picture.  To capture the gift given to me. Another mile in I was able to lift my face to absorb the rays of a dazzling early morning sun that filled the horizon before my steps.

As I completed my remaining laps and listened intently to the series of 10 to 15 minute talks, I had not realized that I had already walked over 4.5 miles.  My legs were freezing (might need to invest in some lined leggings for the winter months), my toes a bit frosty also, but my heart was full, my soul felt refreshed and ready for whatever lie ahead.

As I sat down to eat my sunshine inspired breakfast of mango and blueberries, I felt peace.

My head still hurts.   But I know that the journey is right.  I am searching for ways to help heal my sweet hubs naturally.  I really have a visceral hatred of medications and a medical field that seems intent on prescribing to the symptoms and refusing to see and or treat the causes.

He's not sleeping well... We are now trying Golden Milk (yep... went with the vegan options).  Last night we both slept deep and woke well rested.  No one night does not equal success.  But we will keep on trying.

Each of us has a different journey.  May I encourage you to reach deep and find that place in your most powerful inner being to follow your hopes, dreams, to be okay with asking for and living in abundance. Since I was a very young adult I have resonated with the statement "what you think about, you bring about".  Reflecting on my life... wow... that is an entire other blog.  Maybe I will explore all the times the universe has shown me the truth in those words... but not today.

Today... I want to thank the universe, the powers that be, the messengers that insured I heard what I needed to hear.  I want to celebrate the power and energy this morning gave to me...

Strong, Steady and Focused...

the moments...

Right now, in this silent moment, my world feels pretty incredible. Everyone is resting, waiting for our pizza to arrive. I am sitting here just being still!

Our son and his lady came home for Christmas, when you wait so long between visits, it's painful.  I spent Thursday night a week ago with our girl and her crew and several plus ones.  Listening to my eldest grand daughter sing.

I had an amazing time with the team I lead, so proud of those amazing people. Then my peer team.  Such a great group of ladies, lead by an awesome guy - sure we can be his Diva's, he supports us, we want to make that support valuable.  It's a win win.

Even with the hurry and scurry of life, it's been good.  Very good!

As we are coming to the end of the year, with Christmas around the corner, I am weary, but it's a good weary. I don't know what it is about my boy coming home.  Maybe it's because it is such a rare thing, that I find joy in simply stopping everything and just being.  I am enjoying all the moments.  I worry less about the have to's and savor each want to.

I am giving myself permission to move at a slower more comfortable pace. In a year that has been marked by loss of fur babies and far too little rest.  This gift of time has been most amazing.

In the days that the boy has been home, we've chatted, shopped, gone out in the snow, worked on crochet projects (because that was his gift to me - teaching him how!), cooking meals for the family and there have been hours filled with simply being.  The kids, the oldest grand and myself went and created our painting masterpieces, Hubs managed to "gift" his seat to the oldest grand.  I had been hoping he would go, but... It's okay, I don't think he would have done well with them telling him what to do.  But I would have loved having him participate just the same.   As it was the grand and her mom had their patience tested by the instructor telling them what to do and when to do it. Hubs has a bit less patience than they do, so it was probably a good thing. 

Am I living in a utopia, nope.  Would I want to? Nope.

Outside there is a world filled with worries, grief and anger. I have been praying for babies sick and fighting for their lives in hospitals here in the city.  Offering prayers to comfort their families as they spend their days in hospitals, instead of decorating for the holiday they are excited to celebrate. 

If I turned on the news or actually read a news feed, I am sure that my world would be darker and less fulfilling.  I am choosing not to.  Yes, I've heard it all.  I am making a choice to ignore it all.  Not because it isn't important nor because I don't care.  It's because I have come to learn that my impact is in searching for truth and honoring those truths with my words, actions and how I spend my dollars. Not by losing sleep or being stressed because of news, social media or things that are made to make me feel some way.

I chose to watch silently from the sidelines, gathering facts and reserving my thoughts for a time when they matter. It's amazing what you see while sitting on the sidelines, enjoying your life, spending quality time with your family and doing what is truly important.

My sweet boy is a planner, he likes his life nice and orderly. I think I also thrive in that environment.  Each day we know what we are eating, what activity is happening, etc.  There is no further thought needed as we move through the structure and enjoy each other's company. 

I have needed this.  It shouldn't take a visit to slow down to a normal human pace.  It simply should not. Yet, I am thankful for the break.

We've connected with family, tried new foods (for all of us), spent time laughing and celebrating.  I am feeling refreshed. 

Christmas is days away, we've started the second week of visiting.  My heart is starting to feel the inevitable hurt that will happen.  My baby will return home, the magical moments will end.  But the memories will keep me smiling.

Time to get back to enjoying this time... 

best life...

Staring into the mirror the other morning while drying my hair, looking at how light it has become.  Yes, that was a nice way of saying how gray.  The silver strands were dancing in the warm air, seeming to catch all the light from over head.  It caused me to pause for a moment.  And the thoughts of that moment have been lingering for days.  I guess I need to write them down to make them leave.

Do you remember when you were small.  Think back as far as you can.  I remember my grandma always having white hair.  For as far back as I can remember she was the stereotypical Grammie. I remember hearing that someone was a Grandma or that they were in their 50's and thinking wow... that is ancient. When you are little, that seems too far away to comprehend.

I remember hating turning 25, I mean a quarter of a century old.  Man, it felt like a death sentence. 

The 30's didn't bother me much.  They simply were.  There was trauma and sadness and immense joy.  They were years of great transition and change, but age had stopped being something I thought about.  For a moment - I mourned that there would be no more babies, I'd always dreamed of having more.  But that was simply for a moment, I rapidly fell in love with grown up life. And after all fifty seemed forever away.

I mean wasn't fifty supposed to be when the world shifted and changed? 

The forties flew past in a blur.  Hubs and I were busy raising our family, working our jobs and living life.  Age never occurred.

Well at least not to me.  Hubs has been telling me how old he is since we first met. I have always basically considered it a number assigned to us by the calendar.  And that you are only as old as you believe you are... well at least since I survived that dreaded 25th year.

My health has been up and down over the years.  I've had years that I've hated, pain that felt it was never going to end.  During those times, I truly did feel older than my calendar assigned years.

But standing there drying my hair, marveling at the beauty of the silver in it, it struck me that the 50's have been pretty darn decent, and as I move to the half way point of this decade, I realize... I'm not even close to being that "old Grammie" that I thought for sure my sweet Grammie was.

I cherish being a Grandma.  One of the greatest things to happen to me.  I simply don't feel old.

When I am challenging myself to walk the long miles that I am, I find myself wondering if my Grammie ever walked just for the joy of having time that belonged only to her. 

Here, smack dab in the middle of this glorious decade.  I feel like I have finally found me.  Age is just a number.  It doesn't matter.

Today, Hubs and I took Neeko for a walk at his favorite park.  We are trying to make it a Saturday morning ritual to brighten his last months or years, whatever we get with him.  We hadn't gotten Hubs his new walking shoes yet and his old ones hurt his feet. So he was walking just as slowly as our sweet old boy. The deer were hiding in the woods, peeking out at us and watching Neeko with some concern on their little adorable faces. Neek's missed them or he would have considered rushing after them. Unlike last week, when he said I could walk without them, the guilt was gone.  I was ready to stretch out my legs and go.

So much so that I walked the 3-ish miles home from the park, while Hubs drove Neeko home. I definitely did not remember that hill being as steep as it is when you first start up it! I'm working on my second "race" against myself.  No one else is needed for me to push myself hard!

Last Monday I finished my first 50.6 miles with Yes.Fit.  I need those rewards I decided.  Because all week I have been checking to see when am I going to get my shirt, fyi - it arrived today!!  The sense of accomplishment was overwhelming for me.

Ignore the smile... was humoring Hubs

I might have tricked Hubs a bit to get him walking.  I took him to get his new walking shoes today, I think we've found some he will truly love.  And that will help his feet, legs and hips as we clock to the miles together.  He has to work up to where I am, but he's working on it. After we hit the last farmer's market of the season outside at Tower Grove Park, I suggested it was a beautiful day to hit the zoo. I mean it's hard to not have a great walk there!

We have a breathtakingly beautiful zoo.  I'm always torn between the thoughts of what's it's like to live in captivity and the fact that our zoo does so much to help keep so many species from going extinct. It's beautiful, the habitats are well thought out, and just the walking paths alone make it incredible! It's full of rolling hills, twists and turns.  So much to see and do.  Enough places to stop and rest.  It's perfect. Hard to believe it lives right in the middle of this vast urban landscape that is St. Louis.

We both love the zoo, so it was perfect.  It was just warm enough to ward off the need to have heavy coats and mittens. But cool enough that you were not miserable and it was not crowded. It was the perfect afternoon.

I'm sitting here now, more convinced than ever that age is simply a number.  If I didn't see the silver in my hair (mind you it's been there since I was 17 - it has just brought friends) and the slight wrinkles starting to form at my eyes.  I am still the young woman at heart that didn't want to be 25.  I still wear my vans in fun designs.  My heart still longs to turn the occasional cartwheel, but my mind is smart enough to remind it, that I am not as coordinated as I once was and that could lead to broken bones - for myself or the person that I land on.

The only difference I am finding is that here in this decade of time.  I am filled with peace and contentment.  I love most everything about my life. I have a husband that reminds me daily that I am loved and who accepts me as I am.  And anyone that knows me, knows that I am quirky and unique at the best of times.  I am unconventional, yes that was me in a dress on the treadmill yesterday, and I am pretty sure that my drummer has given up and is simply letting me march to the offbeat tunes that rattle through my brain. 

I'm enjoying life.  I feel like I am finally trying to live my best life.  And nope... 54 is definitely not old... in fact... it feels pretty darn young most days!

a hero returns...

My sweet Hubs was riding his Harley in the vet's parade today... this wimp, she drove there and enjoyed the beautiful day without freezing her bum off. My sweet Hubs is a Vietnam Vet, ya know the ones that weren't welcomed home with a parade or well even a thank you.  They did what their country asked and got treated horribly when they came home.  I'm not even going to dig into how I feel about that.  I'm also not going to address how I feel this country treats not only it's veterans, but their dependents.  I'm gonna leave that sleeping dog lie.  I am going to say that today was seriously heart wrenching for me and impacted me on a level I was not expecting.

I am used to seeing Hubs walk up to strangers and welcome them home, I am used to the shocked looks, the gratitude that immediately follows.  I am even more used to the uncomfortable moment of... what to say next.  Hubs usually says thanks for your gratitude. It touches my heart and tears it up just the same.  I know they weren't welcomed home.  I've heard them.

I didn't go with him to the ride out and set up.  I am not a veteran, not in the traditional sense, but I have given this country 38 years of my life... different story.  And frankly nothing needed to detract from the special air of this day. It struck me deeply when he said in passing last night, that he'd decided to ride, it was his chance to have the welcome home parade he never got.

Boom... there is the reality.  So many young men and a few women, served our country, did what they were asked and no one said so much as a small thank you.   He was right, it was his chance to finally feel appreciated for giving time out of his life.  For first hand knowledge of nightmares that we only see in movies or books.

I decided to hit the farmer's market first.  I usually do not go anywhere like that alone.  Hubs and I have so little time that we spend together that I do not want to miss a moment. Today, I went alone. 

We're nearing the last weekend.  Fewer and fewer vendors are out there. The veg selection is waning. But so beautiful just the same.  Today I picked up a couple of loaves of our favorite Misch bread.  It so reminds me of Germany, it takes me back in time.  It's perfect with a hot bowl of soup or served as a yummy toast for breakfast.

I found Neeko his treats that he loves so much.  Each day we have him is a blessing, he needs lots of spoiling. He was waiting when I finally arrived home.

The fig stand had one box of yumminess left, yep, had to purchase that! The local farmer with the incredible garlic and radishes got a few more of my precious dollars.  The quality is unreal. I love supporting a local family.  It fills my heart to overflowing.

I wrapped up the trip with some of the perfect broccoli, that sweet man helped me convince the sweet little bee that I'd been gently allowing to travel my hand to leave.  I am terribly allergic to bees, I have to admit, my terror was definitely mounting.  I think he wanted some of my bourbon spiced cider.

One final stop to the Tamale Man, I picked up a couple for me and three more for Hubs wrapped in a bag to keep them warm - I was on a mission!  I figured he'd be waiting a while, and would need nourishment.  I am working very hard to insure he always has yummy plant based food to sustain him.  No reason for him to give in to a SAD meal that will hurt him in the long run.

The bitter cool 40 degrees had shifted while I was at the market and it warmed up considerably.  I will admit to being thankful for wearing layers and dropping them as the day progressed.  By the time I arrived in our beautiful downtown it was over 55 degrees. 

I delivered lunch and headed off, I was going to look for a spot to watch the parade.  And their staging area was many blocks from where it started.  Heading east my path took me past my old Y.  It's long since been sold and is in the middle of a remodel.  I won't lie, a few tears filled my eyes, full of love and memories.  Some great, some horrible.  All life altering.  So many friends, so many memories, so much.  That sums it up... So much...

The parade was happening in my old playground.  The part of St. Louis where I spent 11 years.  Wandering around I was torn between nostalgia and a sense of loss.  It's changed, but the key parts remained.  I was still encountering drug addled homeless people, the trash laying around a sign of the lack of respect that St. Louis seems to be bent on continuing. 

I hate to just wait.  I can't stand it.  So I wandered.  I walked the entire parade route, zig zagged through the familiar sidewalks and streets.  Wandering aimlessly, lost in a million thoughts and memories.  I went to the parade, it didn't need to come to me.

Finally I heard the roar of Harley's.  They were starting to move.  I wandered over and was handed a flag.  Searching an ocean of Harley's I finally found my sweet Hubs waving to me.  I don't know if he's had time to process it all. I don't know if his heart is overflowing yet, it will be.  My sweet hero got his welcome home.  It was beautiful!  I followed them for a long distance, waving my flag and snapping pictures.  As they passed the Soldiers Memorial I decided it was time to head home myself.  I am so proud of that dear man.  He was the one stopping to shake the hand of every veteran on the side of the path, thanking them for their service.  Welcoming them home. 

He's a hero.

Me... I'm just the wife, but I am proud to be that.

The squash that I am cooking for dinner is done, it's time to walk my sweet old dog and get ready to head out again.  We are going south to celebrate a birthday of another veteran. The day didn't go as planned. 

Nope, not even close.  But it went perfectly!