I mean I'm not really a full week into this new year, 55 was a transformation year. So many things that fully changed me as a person occurred, some great, some painful all of them elevating and enlightening. It's parting gift my knee is definitely going to improve the coming year...
Yet not even a week later lying in the guest bedroom (because the bed adjusts), thankful for the comfy bed keeping me relatively comfortable and the super awesome Hubby for bringing yet another yummy meal, proud that the day only took one pain medication not 3, amazed at how smooth walking is a mere 6 days later, and then.... BAM!
Lying there listening to the storm finishing up it's tantrum and Hubs' movie downstairs all the sudden like a wreaking ball you realize I might be getting old?
What brought on this epiphany? Definitely not the surgery which went fantastic!!! I was able come home on my birthday! Yes I will take less than a 36 hour hospital stay for the win!! Nope, that didn't do it. Falling asleep on my daughter and grands, nope that didn't do it either, struggling to navigate the walker and the assorted pains that come with having your entire knee removed? Nope!
Nope, it was scrolling on my phone, day dreaming ahead - because I don't intend to take the slow route to recovery and a positive mental attitude is best - my next step is a cane. And I want one that makes a positive statement.
Lying here in the dimness weighing my options between cheery dots, some brightly colored toucans or going with the flamingos (not because I am a flamingo fan, but they are cheerful) I suddenly felt older. I wasn't looking at the dull plain ones, I was looking for fun, energetic, magical - no that isn't the pain meds talking.
Maybe it was the lights on the ceiling telling the time... Hubs loves that silly thing. Or maybe it was the fact that I have been far too bed bound.
But dang...
So I just had to ask. Please tell me this is a fleeting though. That my progress had me a bit too upbeat, that I needed a mental adjustment?
I sure don't know, for that moment there, it was powerful.
I'm calming now, I guess my PT calling to schedule tomorrow jolted me back to reality. I am a firm believer that age is a construct of man and we get to determine what it feels like, but for that moment. I felt old.
This was a wild birthday year, I celebrated with our oldest girls and youngest grands the night before. And then off I went to my 5 am day before my birthday celebration with my Doc. I missed most of that Tuesday. Fun fact, people that don't take much medicine are funny after waking up from anesthesia. It lingers, it makes you super loopy and sleepy. Add in IV morphine... let's just say my first attempt at walking a few hours later didn't go well.
Doc Whiteside is amazing and if you are in the St. Louis Area and need an incredible orthopedist let me know! He'd only seen me once when we scheduled, I knew the knee replacement was last step. The pain was stupid. So he worked off x-rays, nothing deeper. I imagine he was super surprised to find my ACL was torn through and another major tendon (don't tell a medicated person this information if is something you need to retain) had literally disconnected due to the extreme arthritis. A simple two hour surgery became 4. I'm still ticked at the other docs... I mean come on they had almost 6 years to figure out why I was in pain, but I am over the moon thankful for Doc.
The sunrise on my birthday was hazy, but beautiful and right outside my window. I'd completed another journey around the sun and man what a journey full of changes and new opportunities it was.
So many people sent me messages and love, Doc gave me an incredible present letting me go home early, and then snuggles with my girls, my sister and her daughter and grand daughter. I pretty much remember all of that. I went from not walking to climbing my stairs all in a day. It was glorious!!
Friends have been calling and stopping by, my family has kept me from going crazy, my poor sweet Hubs is maxing out his steps and he hasn't hardly left the house, that is a lot of stairs.
Today is the most alert and strong I have felt, so it's made the anxiety of being stuck primarily in bed stronger also. I don't do still well. I am digging tracks into the carpet taking my hourly walks. I'm ready to move forward.
I found myself not pausing when standing today, just standing. Yes I used the walker, but it was rolling along, not really part of my motion.
Many great things started unfolding today. Many good, positive steps forward.
Okay... I'm not old... Despite what I thought, the cane is the next step towards freedom, I can't wait! And for the record as long as the PT approves the style, I think the cheerful colored dots are going to win! It's only for a moment, not forever...
Missed you!!
Good one!! 381+
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