permission granted...

You are allowed to do things simply because they are lovely!  I am very fussy about what is allowed in my social media feeds.  I don't have the patience for 95% of what tries to be there.  This morning when I stopped to eat some breakfast a few moments ago, a meme with that phrase popped up.

My heart felt so full.  Crazy full as a matter of fact. 

I've spent my morning taking care of our life.  Mostly in the kitchen today. I scraped my tallow and put it back in the crockpot to melt again, I started today's batch of yogurt, took some whey out to the deck to warm (those roma's are crying for calcium).  I watered the gardens and harvested the ripe tomatoes and cucumbers.  I started to make a mental note that we need to munch on a few more of the shishito peppers soon or they will be wasted.  I wonder how a batch of those blistered would taste with the french onion soup I'm making for dinner?  I also noted that I need to harvest jalapenos and decide if I am going to simply pickle them or make more cowboy candy.  I stopped for a moment by the blackberry bush and harvested a handful of those beautiful berries.  I made the pate that is healthy and safe for my pups to take their meds. And lastly, I emptied the freeze dryer and packaged soups for my daughter in law and the veggie mixes that I made for us. 

I'm sitting right now, I am reflecting on that meme. 

As I slipped my apron over my head this morning, I felt ready.  I still have things to do today.  I need to make a batch of farmers cheese and I want to make another batch of butter up today - I need more buttermilk and one can never have enough butter, it freezes so well. I also found a recipe I want to try, cream cheese is up next. I need to complete most of this before I go and pick up our farm order for the week.  By doing this I am starting the week with a clean, fresh slate. 

In the coolness of tomorrow morning I will go out and prune back my Black-eyed Susan and Shasta Daisies. The deer have evidently heard me complaining about the over abundance of celosia this year and they are keeping those and the pretty portulaca's well pruned. I'm good with the celosia, I'm a bit over it's invasive behaviors, but the portulaca... please sweet babies, find something else that pleases your palate. 

Honestly, my fingers are longing to work on this sweater sitting by my side.  And it will probably win for a bit, I had Hubs try it on yesterday, I longed to see if I'd gotten the sleeve right. OMG!!  I am in love with it. I want to see it finished, blocked and ready for him to wear it come the first bitter start of deep fall.  

All of these things are lovely to me.  So very lovely. Taking care of my home and family makes me feel amazing!  As I water the lower patio gardens I cherish the beauty that surrounds me. We created a spot for Hubs and I to rest and relax at the end of a busy day, something to take the place of our camper that we lost. We are getting ready to start his "BBQ and Smoke area".  I can't wait.  We've talked about it forever, yet as we are preparing for the next season in life, it is now starting to come to life.  It's supposed to be a bit cooler next week, I will work on moving wood and painting walls then.  For now, I will stay in coolness, sometimes it's what life calls for. 

I have a friend that is often posting pictures of beautiful bouquets he creates with random flowers, his talent is incredible.  The beauty fills my spirit - especially as I love flowers - although I definitely do not have skill where floral arrangement is concerned.  I am always thankful when he's had time to pick up flowers and create. 

There are many others in my life that are always creating lovely.  Lovely.  How do you define it?  To me, it's all encompassing, it's in the minutia. The soft quilts, the sheets billowing in the breeze (oh how I wish I could have a clothesline), its a freshly mowed lawn, or being on a farm, walking through a park or garden.  Oh for me that list is endless. 

Lovely this weekend was walking through the antique mall with Hubs.  The time, the togetherness, the walk down memory lane.

In a world of deadlines, have to's, non-negotiable's, and to do lists, doing something lovely, with passion and conviction.  Irreplaceable. Slow, peaceful, meaningful.  Lovely.  I like these words, these actions.  

I can't ignore the call any longer... I need a few moments of knitting to balance out the other things.  See ya'll later... and don't forget to pause for lovely things in your daily life!

much love, 

b

it hits different...

Hubs and I have definitely had a few hectic weeks.  Between the chaos of the vehicles, the insanity of his job (I used to say career, but I feel more and more that is a very old fashioned term that doesn't fit what is happening in this world today), helping our girls, and just plain living.  Well, it's been chaotic.  One minute is rushing, the next is waiting.  One is spent longing for more hours in the day to finish something we enjoy, the next is spent in a bubble of disgust at how long the torture will last. 

The weather didn't help much either, like I said, it's been hectic.  It's been intense.  And oddly for me a bit therapeutic. The air in my car is being persnickety again. So I haven't been doing much of the driving as Mother Nature is once again reminding us that it is summer in the Midwest and it is going to be completely miserable, no matter what we think. I kind of giggle when folks start in about climate change and how insanely hot it is, only to have a memory pop up on social media from a decade or more back talking about the same miserable temperatures and humidity. 

Dang our memories get shorter every day.  

We've been helping our girl out with a few projects that have meant a lot of traveling and doing things.  Hubs has been driving. It's not that I can't drive the truck, I definitely can, I'm just short, it isn't sized great for me. Therefore, I have slid back into the time where he drove and I do some type of needlework while we travel about. While I work on projects I rarely gravitate towards my phone, I don't surf, I don't waste time playing mindless games.  I might pick it up because something has bounced into my mind that I want to look at or research for a moment, but it is rare that it lasts long.  I'm far too focused on my projects.  Even now, while I take a short break, I am longing to pick up my needles and get that last 2.5 inches done so I can start the waist band of the beautiful sweater.  

I've been lost in thought.  That is the beauty of knitting a basic stitch, your mind can wander, your thoughts are allowed to roam.  And, boy oh boy have mine been roaming, if they had a passport, I am fairly sure I would need additional pages.

I've daydreamed about future and unfinished projects.  About plans to get them finished and or started. I've wandered through the catalogs of ideas in my mind, I've made mental to do lists and added new hopes and dreams to the piles.  I've questioned whether we live long enough to chase all those dreams and when do we decide to prune the list.  Or do we ever? Do we just jump in with both feet and live life to it's absolute fullest?

Mostly, I've been exploring why I do some of the "crazy and old fashioned" things that I do.  Ya know, things like carefully washing and preparing organic grapes to make my sweet Hubs raisins. Or churning butter, definitely the new way thank you Kitchen Aid! Or maybe it's the yogurt that is always in some stage of being made in our home.  Maybe's it's making quilts or knitting sweaters.  And don't forget the garden or Hubs and I installing his new bumper, even if install was easy enough that I was simply needed to hold it steady while he tightened the nuts and bolts. 

Why don't I go the easy route?  Why am I not okay with the basic stuff from the store.  Why am I obsessed with living a very different life?  And I am obsessed. I don't fit in the boxes that the world seems to want us in.  I'm not a neat and tidy soul.  I'm chaotic on a good day.  On a bad... well... lets pretend those don't happen. 

I thrive on challenges, on thinking things through and coming up with solutions, ideas, hopes, yeah you get where this is going don't you?  I know, I am lost in the wrong generation.  This time frame isn't mine, never has been. 

There is a path to where these thoughts are heading, believe it or not.  Back when I worked in a non-profit one of the biggest questions is what is there of my middle age group kids.  Those kiddo's that were too old for day care and too young for adulthood (although this age seems to be getting older and older - something I find terrifying).  We struggled through many conversations, many brain storming sessions, never really finding a solution. 

Fast forward to the past few weeks.  The news has been filled with preteen and teen chaos (and definitely NOT the good kind).  Those lost ages seem to be getting more and more intent on filling their own time, in their own way and nothing good is coming out of it.  Businesses destroyed, property damage, masses of out of control youngsters that haven't learned about consequences or ever really faced them.  Heck I woke up to reading about two 16 year old - I struggle to call them kids when they can do what they did, that targeted and murdered 5 people, just across the river.  All just looking for something to absorb their energy, to kill the boredom they are facing and most importantly to be accepted by their peers.  Other young people that are just as lost and out of useful ideas are guiding the masses. 

Heaven help us all!

I often feel my generation started the snowball rolling at warp speed and none of us have stepped back long enough to see the entire situation as a whole. My generation was when mom's left the home en-mass to take up roles outside the home. The need for a second income seemed greater than the need for family stability.  Society was telling women that they were being treated like second class citizens, not having the same value and worth as a man, because they were trapped in their homes. 

Gen Xers started being the first full latchkey generation.  Do they still use that word?  Latchkey?  Or is it just a sense of normalcy now for kids to take care of themselves?

Women traded their roles as the CEO of the home for a cubicle somewhere in the name of progress. They started splitting themselves and home became the part time job stuck in around the real "job".  Women started chasing careers and the most important career ever, that of homemaker, parent, and CEO of the family took a backseat. 

Family mealtimes, chores, learning about life and holding kids responsible became less important. Who wants to always be fussing at their kids to raise them right, when they only have a few scattered moments at the end of the day and on weekends to be with them?

In my world this is a seriously deep topic.  One that a few years back I would not have agreed with.  It wasn't until I stepped back from it, that I realized how truly damaging it has been. Families have been shattered by governments and society.  The very things we trusted. 

I think conversations with my now almost 20 year old grand-daughter have been the most enlightening for me. Her lens is powerful in many ways.  My daughter was blessed by fate to be able to be a very engaged parent.  She is home with them, no one else raised them.  Are they perfect?  Heck no, is any person?  I rest my case. But her babies know their safest place in the world is with mom.  It doesn't matter what storms have come their way, and there have been many, they are a unit.  Nothing rocks that family, at least not long term, maybe for a mere moment. Even their brothers grew up knowing love and faithfulness.  That the momma of the family was the rock, the glue that held it all together. 

So many kids today are literally acting out to get mom and dad's attention.  They need that stability, they need to know that they matter more than a paycheck.  I sit back and observe what is going on, the kids, the moms, the dads, the way life is tossing and turning. Shoot even grandparents have been programmed to not have a role in the stability that is needed. 

My grand-daughter pointed out to me that when I was her age I was already a mom.  That by 20, I had lived on my own in another country, had been responsible for my own life, decisions and surviving it all.  She seemed in awe.  I thought it was normal.  As we spoke, I realized with a clarity that semi-scared me, that there is no way on this planet that my precious grand was prepared for any of that.  The schools, families and society as a whole aren't teaching them or providing space for them to learn those skills.  They've spent too much time drifting. Too much time being taught to be a cog in the wheel. Something that most of us naturally rebel against, even if we don't realize it. 

If you talk to my sweet Hubs, his memories revolve around helping his dad with the horses that were their stock and trade. He was only a preteen when he spent a summer basically living in the barn taking care of the horses during the summer.  Today, that would be considered abuse, back then it was normal.  It was a rite of passage into adulthood. He was learning skills, he was learning a trade.  He cherishes those memories.  They shaped who he is today.

I remember being 10 and feeling ashamed that my neighbor a sweet Greek girl named Maria the same age as I was, had already filled her hope chest with beautiful linen's that she had stitched herself.  She was so much more accomplished in homemaking skills because that was the culture.  It was expected to know how to do all of those things and more by a very young age.  It wasn't abuse, or neglect, it was love.  Loving your child and focusing your energy into passing on knowledge they would need to be a strong human in life. I spent hours desperately trying to figure it out, her momma in frustration ended up taking the piece back and finishing it herself. 

Decades later, that still stings.  I still try so hard to learn everything I can, because of that moment in time. Almost 51 years later, I remember the sting.  The tears of failure and the feeling of being less than. 

Is that where our kids are now?  Are they drifting along?  Are they struggling to get from point A to point B, because the road map is washed out in critical areas?  The skills aren't being taught, is it because they weren't learned in the generations before? How many kids today are responsible for a horse, or preparing meals, or making breads, or helping in the garden? Can they make their own clothing?  Prepare a home?  Heck plan a budget?

Is that where we started this slippery slope that we seem to be on? Sure they can learn to code.  I admit I hate that phrase more than anything.  Not everyone fits that world.  What are we doing, giving, teaching that is burning their natural energy?  How many of them are hiking, spending time in nature, fishing, hunting (if that is your thing), if the grocery stores we rely on vanished tomorrow could they forage? I saw a sign the other day that I want to make for my garden... "Every plant is edible... ONCE!"

How many realize what it takes to bring meals to the table?  Earn money?  Where are the youngsters mowing lawns because that is what is expected of them.  That they do things that contribute to the family and society as a whole.  If they were busy being productive how much of the chaos would disappear?  Where are the young Einstein's and Edison's?  Are the next generation of Wright Brothers being encouraged and motivated to go further than the generation before?  I am fairly sure I wrote about the young boys down the hill a few weeks ago that were developing their own transportation from a skateboard, lawn-chair and various bits of wood.  That is what we need to be encouraging.  Feeding that creative and inquiring nature. 

When did we stop with the mindset, that if they want to go to the movies, mall, store - whatever - they earn the dollars to go?  They sure aren't mowing yards, shoveling snow, raking leaves, having lemonade stands, babysitting, dog walking... whatever earned them a few spending dollars. Things that gave us a purpose as we were growing up, our children shun.  It's beneath them. And the few that do, want to retire on a few hours of work so you better be prepared to pay up if you want their help. 

And what about kids helping seniors in their area?  Does that occur?  Or are they just looking for the next good time?

Maybe the answer was never what could we provide to keep them busy so much as what is the expectation of what they could learn and do as they grew into adults. With responsibilities, there isn't time for chaos and destruction.  

When you have worked hard, you don't want what you have put your everything into to be ruined and destroyed. Years ago, when I first moved here I volunteered for a playground build.  I was in charge of a group on inner city kids and teaching them how to build the benches for the playground.  Talk about stressful, thank goodness the boards were pre-cut - I definitely wasn't up for teaching them to safely use saws.  There were more stripped screws than I could count, they had to learn to take them out and start over.  It was hot, we were in direct sun and it was all a bit overwhelming for kids that had never tried to build anything before. After a long 8 hours 3 big wooden benches had been built.  I gave them sharpies to sign their names on the underside.  Kind of like a secret, no one else knew they'd signed, but they did.  They were so proud of their work.  I've long since lost the picture of those smiling faces, the look of pride and satisfaction only lives in my memory.  Oh yeah, and the fact that several decades later those benches still sit untouched by damage, because they were proud of their work.

Have we failed generations of kids?  Is it too late? I personally do not think it's too late.  Sadly, I don't really think it is going to be an easy transition. Yet, I am hopeful.  I see a younger generation, I've given up trying to figure out what they are called at this point, the one my youngest grand daughter is in, that is pushing to change that. 

The ones shoving away the electronics.  The ones helping with chores, soaking up life skills like an all you can eat buffet.  I don't think it's too late.  I do wonder if we are willing to tough love them enough to make it out the other side in one piece. And for that matter tough love ourselves.  We lost skills, we lost ideals, hopes and dreams while chasing the easy way.  We have to be willing to push back.  

This morning there is an interesting smell wafting out of the kitchen, it's a combination of beef fat in the process of becoming tallow and kale chips that just finished dehydrating.  My beloved Kitchen Aid is sitting on the counter silent at the moment, waiting for the parts to tune her up.  Evidently that is something that I should have been doing regularly, I didn't know that, but the black oil pouring out of her last night taught me a new lesson.  By tomorrow she will be fine, technology has a place, but it isn't a replacement. 

The freeze dryer is loaded with a combination of soups for my daughter in law and vegetables that are getting a second life because I realized there is no way I was going to be able to use the bounty of the garden before it went bad. And shortly I will be chopping up some bread to dehydrate it and save for stuffing at a later date. 

Yesterday, as Hubs returned to work after vacation, I thoroughly cleaned the house and caught up on chores.  I've already picked most of today's harvest and tended the garden.  Now it's back to learning a new knitting stitch series to make my sweet Hubs elbow patches on his sweater. 

I want to teach others, so badly.  I don't want to see these precious skills drift off into nothing.  We become bored, complacent machines when we don't exercise our brains and bodies.  When we quite growing and learning we become nothing... At least that is how my brain works.  Now if I could just figure out how...

much love, 

b

hello friend...

I had a little visitor this morning while I was outside watering the treetop garden. He flew in and rested, watching me the entire time.  I felt blessed.  I love dragonflies, they fill my heart to overflowing.  I am so unbelievably thankful that my dear friend encouraged me to put in my garden, showing up with pepper and tomato plants she had started from seed.  My funk cleared and I went crazy. Our garden is bountiful so far this year, and seems to be handling this extreme patch quite well. 

As I watered I couldn't believe the growth, the abundance.  I am trying tomatillo's again this year.  They make the best salsa verde (my personal favorite).  I am concerned that once again I will have a beautifully flowering plant, with no yield.  It has grown enormous, covered in beautiful bright yellow flowers, of which not a single one has turned into fruit.  I fear I need to do more research, anyone have any tips - I'll gladly take them. 

It's been such a crazy couple of weeks and I am so far behind on everything.  I have spent far more hours in this heat than I have ever wanted to, and yesterday was by far the worst.  Its a long story for another time, lets just say there are a lot of people on this planet nowadays that are beyond ignorant and wrapped up in themselves. To top it all off the air conditioning in my little Subaru is not keeping up.  

We'd had problems with it when I first bought the car, took it back to the dealership (one I completely would not recommend - but again long story for another time) they worked on it and it's been okay for a few years now.  This was definitely not the time for it to fail.  Especially as I have been doing far more driving than I want to do. Toasty is an understatement. Next week we will worry about getting it looked at, I don't have anywhere to go today, and I am fairly certain I am taking advantage of that fact. 

Today feels like a day for inside, lots of water and rest.  My head is still hurting from the hours in the hot sun and my spirit is weary. I have things I should do, but feel that today will be hydration and knitting.  I might even finally quilt.  Or... and this is far more likely, my conscience is going to kick in and I will get busy on the to do list that has been shoved in the corner repeatedly over the past few weeks.  

Next weeks Hubs is taking vacation, he will be working solid over the following three weeks and will not be able to take our anniversary (23 years!  And they said it would never last) or my birthday off.  Which is our usual routine.  It feels like when we were newlyweds and his work ate up so much family/couple time.  

While he is on vacation we are going to take our little Belle back to see her surgeon.  She's still favoring her leg and it actually seems to be getting worse not better.  I'm praying that she is just fine and it's all part of the healing process, but her surgeon felt it was best to bring her in as she shouldn't be backsliding. Momma's little girl shouldn't be hurting at this point.  Time to investigate. 

I'm sure we will spend a few hours finally finishing up the truck (bumper is coming in on Monday) and then we will definitely find some time for play.  Maybe take our pups on a couple of adventures and possibly even a splash day.  I guess some of that will depend on the weather.  The heat is supposed to pass, but the rain is following it. We'll see, it might just be a great time to veg at home and get some serious relaxing in.  Staycations are pretty darn nice. 

I guess I'll go boil some water for another cup of coffee while I settle in and do something semi mindless for a bit.  I hope everyone is getting ready for an amazing Independence day, I would love to take in some fireworks, but not so sure that will happen.  The pups aren't fans of the noise and we don't risk Beau getting so stressed he has a seizure. We will celebrate just the same, but a bit quieter. 

Have a great day!  Stay cool!

much love, 

b

thought about it...

A few days ago as the sun broke the horizon, we were walking along the flood wall down in Valley Park, the sun rising, the haziness lingering from the moisture in the air.  The deer were making an early morning trek down to the river for a drink or two before moving long. 

There was a definite chill in the air, in fact it was that way for several days. Which I was both incredibly thankful for and a tad puzzled.  The first official day of summer in St. Louis, does not often call for sweatshirts.  But, I will definitely take the blessing.

With the pups we're up to a two mile walk each day again.  Sweet Belle has finally stopped limping a bit after a walk and is definitely full of energy as we cruise along at full speed again.  Again, I am gathering all the blessings!

Yesterday morning Beau kicked me out of bed at 3 am, he was so intent to snuggle close that I ended up on the floor.  Thinking I would laze around snuggled up on the other side of him and try to fall back asleep reading something incredibly boring.  Grabbing my phone to find something boring to read, I was jolted awake by the alarm from my freeze dryer, it couldn't hit pressure, I needed to deal with it.  Did Beau somehow know, is that why he pushed me out of bed? Doubtful, but awfully coincidental. 

the deer from our walk

I started to turn on some kind of news, something to let me know what is going on in the world today.  I considered it.  Until I didn't.  I have serious doubts about the validity of anything you read, watch or hear these days.  All of it seems to be guiding and deceiving one way or another, and frankly, I'm done. 

By the time I dealt with the issues and warmed my fingers back up, I decided it was definitely not going to be a crawl back in bed kind of day. 

The past week has been complicated and extreme, personally I needed a quiet moment or two.  I need the outside world to stay outside. I need the time to dig into my list and focus.  

Last Saturday things were moving along beautifully.  We were heading out to help our daughter with some projects at her lake house and Hubs was coming out strictly to take her boat out of storage.  Sadly, it's gonna need some work, as when someone that doesn't care "takes care" of your belongings, they rarely take care properly.  

Well, the off-ramp started the chaos.  The car that dipped out from behind the other car in the left hand lane and sped around caused even more chaos.  I held back from pulling out, Hubs didn't see me stop (I didn't want to be t-boned) and he drove into me.  Needless to say his poor truck took the brunt of that experience.  Oh my car has quite a few boo-boo's, but his truck suffered the most. 

Both are still 100% drive-able, just not gorgeous.  Thankfully, with a garage full of tools and two people that are more than capable of working on cars, we managed to get the bumper off, parts ordered and Hubs found a sweet guy that is going to fix the part that needs welded.  We're fixing the truck first, mine will be easier, the damage only impacts the looks and isn't really at a risk for anything coming off, thank goodness for duct-tape.  

In the midst of crazy town, our sweet girl decided that Hubs needed a boat.  I mean he loves having a boat and he's been longing to have another one forever. I am not a huge fan of boating, scares me to bits, after several not so great boating experiences.  I will go out on a pontoon though.  So... Hubs is now the proud owner of a pontoon boat. It's gonna keep us pretty busy with cleaning and repairs, but he is stupid excited and it gives him a great retirement hobby when she's done. Guess it's time to renew my fishing license and order the pups some life jackets. I am certain they are going to love going out on the boat. 

After all of those adventures on Saturday, we'd planned to go to a car show in Kimmswick for Father's day. Mother Nature had other plans and escorted a serious day of bad weather in.  I won't lie, I've needed to decompress, I am not sad. We can fix the vehicles, no one was injured and Hubs acquired a boat... I was just exhausted from the emotional toll.  

I know my little car is beat up pretty good from the hail, I know it isn't new, I know it is just my pup mobile.  The thing is, it's mine.  I paid for it 100% myself with cash from working at a job that almost destroyed me personally.  When my Beetle got totaled I was crushed. It hurt on a soul level, it had been my dream car, I had planned to have it the rest of my life.  I swore I wasn't getting another car, I didn't really need one.  My little Subaru has given me back a freedom that I didn't realize I needed. It made me realize that the Beetle had been nothing more than a material item and losing it had been a God wink that I hadn't realized I needed at the time. 

I know Hubs' big red truck is an eye catcher, it fits him perfectly.  It's an attention getter, it's noticed.  Just like Hubs.  For a few moments I was angry.  Everyone was so concerned about his truck and him. I am fairly certain the next person to just ignore the fact that me and my little car had been the "victims" while hoping he and his were going to be okay in my presence are going to get cursed out in a very vile way.  

Honestly, I was so annoyed and maybe even a bit angry. Not at Hubs, not at the damage, not at anything tangible.  I was angry at feeling invisible.  I had simply put some duct-tape on the remaining fiberglass bits to keep them from falling off and exposing more of the mechanical bits to the elements, pushed the bumper back in the best I could to keep it from flapping about and moved on.  

My frustration definitely was bubbling up on Monday as I worked along side him to remove the front bumper, as I dealt with being the target of his frustration and anger at the situation.  The parts that didn't want to come loose, the nuts and bolts that had fallen and needed found.  The sheer frustration of knowing that he had work to do at work and here we were working on removing the bumper so no further damaged happened while we worked on solving it.  Both of us were frustrated by the fact that age takes away some of your strength and agility and things we could easily do 20 years ago, were not as easy. 

Getting up on concrete with a fake knee is not fun.  And I'm sure his hip was reminding him of it's presence as well. 

Both of us were dealing with the emotions that often get tied to tangible things and even more so with the realization that we are not as young as we once were.  

I joked with my friend that I was going to need bail money before the day was out.  I was definitely frazzled. My heart filled with joy at her reply, I've got your bail money.  She had my back without question.  Those are priceless friendships.  I am blessed by a few of them. It's all you need in this crazy world.  That and lots of laughter!

Hubs got to listen to my venting about being invisible as we drove to the bank to take money out for parts.  He was patient, I don't know if he understood my twisted feelings or not.  The fact that he listened mattered.  My dear Sis asked about me and my car, that mattered more than I can put into words. It was like the pressure valve on my feelings.  I was seen, I was noticed.  I calmed. 

We've moved forward. We got the boat semi cleaned up and into safe storage yesterday. We purchased the supports for the front bumper of the truck and an appointment has been made for the required welding. I ordered his new bumper yesterday, it won't arrive until the 6th, his beautiful truck will be beautiful again soon, it will look different, but in a cool way.  My parts have been sourced and will be ordered after all the repairs to the truck happen, it's incredible how much more damage his big truck sustained, I seriously question the toughness of a truck at this point.  As soon as that is finished we will start working on Hubs' boat.  There is a forward plan. I feel calm again. 

During the midst of the frustration I resorted to nothingness.  I HATE just vegging out.  I don't have patience for it and when I resort to it, I get very angry with myself.  That is the bubble I have bounced in and out of for a week now.  I push myself to do stuff, then I freeze in that funky spot of aggravation. 

Slowly, I am coming out of it. I'm sure Hubs is feeling the overflow of emotions and feelings I have been working through.  Just like always he and I will navigate the crazy and come out on the other side just fine.  It's amazing what love and lots of laughs can help you through. Literally nothing in this world is all that serious!  This morning I ordered literal band-aid's for my sweet Subaru while she waits for her repairs, because why not laugh through it?  Sort of reminds me of the beaver we bought when the tree suddenly died and we were waiting for the stump removal.  Sometimes, you just gotta laugh!

Well, the heat is busting through outside and I need to make sure all my self-watering containers are full... like I said... keeping busy does help the crazy. 

much love, 

b

in balance...

Have you ever walked on a balance beam?  When I was a kid I took gymnastics for a bit.  The balance beam was always a struggle.  In fact I've never had great balance.  Even now I rarely chose any activity that requires great balance.  Although I like to blame it on my knee, it most definitely is a life long deficiency. 

That being said, I currently feel like my entire life is being walked on a balance beam.  Doing what is good for Hubs and I health wise.  Focusing on the healing that has long needed to happen.  Trying to balance the needs of my two pups, as I am being reminded rather harshly that they are two distinct pups with two very distinct needs.  Planning for a trip down to Arkansas, trying to navigate the medical appointments, preparing Belle's recover zone and staying in control.  

All of it feels intense. My "job" is home centric, I am a homemaker, domestic goddess - whatever feel good word you want to insert.  I am a wife, it is my role (at least to my heart) to take care of hearth and home.  When the other bits start stacking up.  Whew!  It gets intense. 

My sweet little girl is a pure athlete.  She is focused and tough.  She will push herself for what she wants, with no regard or understanding of the possible outcomes.  She loves walking, hiking, being on patrol - looking for every squirrel or bird that might cross her path.  Hubs is right, she would have been an amazing hunting companion.  Instead, she is a nervous old woman's baby.  She is also Momma's girl.  She follows me, sleeps with me, is always checking in to make sure she is still my baby.  Our Belle loves Dad, but she is in love with Mom as he puts it. 

So her lameness as we await her surgery is breaking my heart.  She doesn't want to submit to the pain, she wants to go about our regular life. It's not going to happen and the look of betrayal when I am forced to tell her no, is gut wrenching. I know it's best for her.  I know she can't handle it, even if she would force herself to do so.  Those beautiful brown eyes pleading... It is definitely not for the faint of heart. 

I still fit, see...

Yup still... get it mom?

My Beau, my big boy, he's so chill.  Laid back and the one that will roll with the flow.  He's the reason we started walking every day.  I want his phenobarbital to stay in the low range that it is, it's not a great medicine for the liver, so the lowest dosage possible is best.  And Mr. Chill can easily gain weight when he slides into lazy lounging. The other thing is big guy has developed a passion for those walks.  The more the better, he craves them. 

Maybe dad will understand our need for treats

Today Hubs and I went and walked without them.  Four miles in the sunshine.  We knew they were going to be upset.  We were right.  Belle has started to accept her current limitations, just giving us the stink eye a few times before settling back onto the sofa.  Beau was another story.  I hadn't wanted to walk him in the heat, not great for a seizure boy, but there was no appeasing him. It was walk, or we were dead to him. 

Slowly and quietly I put my shoes back on.  Dad could stay home with the sunbathing princess.  I needed to appease the beast.  He sat silently judging and glaring to let me know he was not happy, watching me slip my shoes back on, wasting zero energy.  As soon as I grabbed the leash that silly boy became a happy bouncing puppy!  As we quietly snuck out of the house (yes I am a wimp - don't judge), he kept looking up at me smiling and bouncing.  Beau definitely has a big smile when he is happy.  Hubs saw him out the window, or he probably would not have believed me, as he happily bounded down the road.

He and I got most of another mile in.  And I am sure he would have gone further, but it was already pushing 80° and heat is just not great for him.  He slowly walked down the road, head down, the joy of earlier simply gone. Dang, these pups have mastered manipulating mom. 

Drop Mr Beau off and grab Miss Belle for a very short walk.  Finally have a moment to rest. 

This is the rhythm of my days lately.  It will change even more dramatically after Belle's surgery.  But for now we are simply waiting.  Making her as comfortable as possible.  Trying to get her to be calm and to rest (fearful this is a losing battle). The days that where flying past seem to have slowed again.  Dramatically slowed. 

I guess it's like waiting for Christmas as a kid or vacation as a working adult.  Those are clock hands that never move.  I assume, watching my baby suffer is what is slowing time down so much. 

In the midst of it all, Beau still needs his walks, he is healing also.  Although his needs will be life long. 

 I've found myself in a place of stagnation.  I have three quilts in progress, I haven't really done much on them.  I find myself doing my daily chores and then I sort of spin.  Nothing grabs my attention.  I just pace and feel stuck. 

I finished up a project for my son and now I am trying to direct my energy back to the other things.  The quilts, the unfinished sweater, the mending... it all feels a bit much and at the same time stuck. 

I'm back on that balance beam.  

Focused, trying to hold myself steady as I move my feet one in front of the other.  Not allowing the distractions to overwhelm me, pushing the fears and the anxiety to the side.  Praying Hubs' next procedure will finally have him feeling like himself. 

Moving forward. I know this is only a season, as the year wraps up we will look back and celebrate many victories. We will find ourselves camping and hiking again by late summer/early fall.  I know this, I feel it in my very soul.  

But geez, the journey...

Any fellow balance beam walkers?  

Take care, rest and be kind to yourself, 

love, 

b

living life!

Time often slips away from me.  Not from bad things, but simply from living an incredible life.  I am often busier than I realize, again not in a bad way, but in a fulfilling and energizing way.  This morning I am sitting here, relaxing for a few minutes in front of the warmth of the fire that my sweet Hubs built for me as I was very cold for some reason.  

I won't linger for long.  I do have a lot to catch up on, again, I've let time swiftly sneak away from me.  The pups and I have been doing a lot of walks and hikes, we've climbed a few "mountains" to us, high hills if you live in the mountains.  The climbs were intense, but invigorating.  Hubs has even been able to join us a bit more and he definitely did a full hill climb with us.  We have discovered that we really love going to the Rockwoods Conservation Area about 25 minutes away.  

In fact I am pretty sure we will go today.  There is a 2.5 mile trail that I have been longing to try out. Until we try it, I don't want to take Hubs.  Too many hills aren't great for his back while he is healing. And healing he is.  Although there is another trail just 15 minutes from our house that was pretty darn incredible and we could tackle the whole thing today, I wimped out last time... Oh the decisions.  

Emmenegger Nature Park

Emmenegger Nature Park

He opted out of surgery for his back.  Too many doctors want to go that route straight away.  Thankfully, he was assigned to an incredible pain management doctor.  We both love him!  The last thing he suggested was surgery, in fact he advised against it.  He asked for 90 days.  Ninety days to use natural methods, movement, water therapies, diet, walking, and ultimately a few injections to help with the journey.  Discussions are always around the proper shoes, what to eliminate from his diet, movements that will accelerate healing and strength.  

Rockwood Conservation Area
1/3 of the way up on Trail among the Trees

My focus for Beau this year was to get him healthier, to hopefully prevent another seizure ever.  Belle and I are benefitting from supporting our boys.  We are both getting stronger and healthier right along with them. 

naptime... this mom is crazy

Meramec Greenway -
Arnold Grove Trail

Moonshine Hallow Trail
 - St. Francois State Park 

They say you should always be learning and trying new things to prevent yourself from a wide assortment of ailments both mental and physical.  I'm gonna say we are on it this year. 

St. Francois State Park - just us

This morning as I was fixing Hubs lunch and prepping things that I will work on today, that thought was echoing through my head.  In a few I will get dressed and take my babies hiking.  But when we get home I have a busy day lined up.  By then the chickpeas will have soaked long enough to be canned and processed.  I need to prep a couple of batches of ice cream so I can use up my heavy cream, before I get the fresh batch.

I will start the yogurt tonight, because last night got wonky and I forgot. I'll put it on before we head out to pick up this weeks order from the farm. I am still in awe of how much I love fresh raw milk.  We have definitely had an amazing benefit taken away from us for far too long. 

Tomorrow I will finish the batch of french butter that is fermenting on the counter.  I am so intrigued by it.  The more I learn about fermented foods the more obsessed I become about incorporating it in our daily meals. 

I guess I am learning things on a regular basis.  

Tomorrow I am stepping out of my comfort zone and taking a class.  I don't need the whole class, but I will definitely take advantage of the opportunity it provides.  I'm going out to the August A. Busch Memorial Conservation Center to take a class.  I don't often do group anything and definitely not with complete strangers, on my own.  But here we are.  

Nature knitting with natural dyes... the title alone lured me in.  The course description sealed the deal.  It isn't about the knitting for me, as it is a learning to knit type scenario, but the natural dies... I'm in paradise.  They are going to teach us how to use things found in nature... pokeberries, pawpaw leaves and goldenrod flower heads oh my... to create natural dyes for yarn.  The fact that it was free was an even stronger motivation for me. Probably coupled by the fact that I have quite a bit of natural alpaca roving and a few skeins of natural fibers waiting for the chance to be vibrant and exciting.  Okay, that last bit is hysterical coming from a woman who's main wardrobe is multi-shades of black. 

I am a bit of a knowledge junkie.  I love to learn and experience new things.  

My learning journey is helping me to replace the disposable things, the chemically treated things, the toxic bi-products that we are taught are good for us, with things that truly are. Will I ever be able to replace it all, at this point in my life, probably not.  Can I minimize the impact on our lives and health, why yes I do believe so. 

There are many things that I would love the ability to have and do, I mean access to a nice deep well... come on what crazy woman doesn't dream of that?  A flock of laying hens?  Well, duh.  Seems a bit of a stretch for someone that lives in a HOA in suburbia.  So I'll take the small wins.  

Almost the peak of Trail among the Trees
Yup I was too afraid
to be that close to the edge

Rockwood Conservation Area

Moonshine Hallow Trail

Hikes amongst the trees and streams, just outside of the city limits.  Buying real food from a farmer, instead of the grocery store.  Growing and preserving what I can.  You get the idea.  Slowly the plastics and the unnatural fibers are leaving us.  

It's all about what fills your spirit.  This fills mine.  The healing, the recovery from a system I don't feel we were truly meant to be part of.  

I love this journey. 

Well, the fire is fading down to wispy embers, my toes are nice and warm.  It's time to start prepping for the hike.  Waters to fill, pups to get a dusting with food grade DE (Beau had a tick on him this morning... didn't know they could live in the cold temperatures - I was wrong evidently) and then we will spend some time walking in the forest.  Soaking up all that surrounds us and fills us with energy. 

I guess I'll decide where we are going as we leave the driveway.  But there are only two amazing days left before the predicted rains start falling.  I am positive that I will not go hiking in the hills in the rain, walking with two strong dogs requires me to have strong safe footing.  During the rains we will walk local. 

Have a blessed day, strive to learn and master something new every day.  It's so empowering.  

much love, 

b

choices

I absolutely love the sounds of a productive and busy home. I simply wasn't tired last night.  I struggled to fall asleep and woke up at 3:30 am.  I tried laying around in bed, but my brain was arguing that it was definitely not a productive use of my time. I simply wasn't tired.   It's rare that I wake before Hubs, so the fact that I did and had an incredible amount of energy was a combination of disappointment (I am usually the one that stays up to give Beau his meds) and exhilaration. 

I gave up by 4:00.  No point in lying there wide awake.  I had soaked some beans yesterday and wanted to get them canned today.  I am serious when I say I am sick of chemicals in my food.  I'll buy organic beans, I'll process them, I'll store them on my shelves.  I will feel better about what I am feeding my family and friends.  Easy peasy.  Right now there are two canners steaming and coming to pressure.  In the next two hours I will have plenty of kidney and red beans for many pots of chili and soups.  I hauled the great northern beans down to the cantry yesterday.  It feels good. It feels like I am doing what I am supposed to do. 

So muted this morning, 
you can almost see the chill in the air

This morning as I was looking at a few sites I follow there was an intense discussion about ferments, something I have been longing to seriously dip my toes into.  I know they are amazing for you.  Natural probiotics far outweigh the functional nutritional value of capsules.  Not to mention the cost difference.  She was talking about the fermented apples that she had made.  It got me to thinking I still have some apples downstairs, if I haven't waited too long.  It wasn't originally on the schedule for today, but I think it might move there.  Or maybe tomorrow at the latest.  Ferments are so good for you, we just moved away from them as a standard method of preserving and storing food.  Might be time to move back in, I know it will be an adjustment to the taste-buds, but honestly, I am a huge fan of things that are tart.  

Yesterday was fire and brimstone time....

In addition to the slight rattle of the canner coming to pressure the wash is almost finished.  Far too cold outside to hang anything to air dry, but by the time this snow storm moves in, if it does.  My plan is to have a perfectly clear schedule to relax and enjoy.  Do some sewing and watch some movies or tv with the Hubs.  Or even better waste the day away playing cards.  

What do you mean no walks?

Sadly the pups won't be getting a walk for a few days.  I draw the line at zero or lower wind chills.  My Belle doesn't have a thick coat like her brother and even a sweater won't protect her long enough for a walk.  She's more of a southern type pup, he is part husky (I'm sure of it!) hard to believe they are actually litter mates.  He has that nice thick double coat.  Sadly, she doesn't.  It's all good they have a fenced yard for the burst of snow fever they will both get, if it falls. 

Beau was letting Dad know he could
fish come springtime... he loves fish

I was wasting a few moments while my canner was coming to pressure the other day, and doing a bit of doom scrolling.  I have my own thoughts about the enzymes they use to make cheeses, and it was a hot topic, I was reading in awe the feelings people were sharing.  I'm a very firm believer that life is about choices.  And we all have to navigate where we are, how we feel about things and what we will do with the information shared with us. 

I am a very traditional homemaker.  By choice.  It soothes and centers me.  This morning as I was wiping up the counter and starting the canners, my sweet Hubs came up behind me to tell me he was heading up to shower.  A soft kiss, him calling me his little homemaker and he was off.  I was in heaven.  Being acknowledged and appreciated for my choices felt amazing. 

Great Northern beans, ready for storage

Making cottage cheese - still not perfect...
but coming along

As I read those comments, I felt sadness and some shame as a woman.  Shame that other women would attack someone for trying to teach people to make a simple cheese. A way to help you if you chose to go that route.  Some of those females were downright nasty.  Saying their time was too valuable to waste on such stupid stuff, especially when you could simply buy it at the store. 

Here is how I see it.  If you want a high powered career, more power to you.  If you despise homemaking, okay, I get it.  If basic cooking, causes you immense stress of angst, okay.  I appreciate those choices. But if someone wants to be a traditional homemaker, if that is their "career" choice, why do you have to be so stinking ugly? 

I personally feel it is all about choice.  For me, I love being responsible for all things home.  I mean I'm not a huge fan of dishes, dusting and poo patrol.  No lie there.  But the rest of it fill my spirit to over flowing.  Some seasons are crazy, there are moments that feel like I will never catch up and sleep becomes a dream that isn't going to come to fruition.  Other times are calm, full of peace, plenty of time for just being.  

For me it is about control.  Yup, I definitely can go to the grocery store.  I can buy products off the shelves.  I can hope that the chemicals and high processing won't impact us too greatly.  I mean we are at the tail end of our lives, it might not be so bad... right? And honestly, it will definitely cost less for some of the items. But... and it's a huge but... what is the trade off?  A bit more time to doom scroll, in exchange for poor health?  Not driving to the next town to pick up my raw milk, cream and butter... what is the cost associated with that 45 minutes of my life?  When I weigh that out.  I'm good with it. 

Hubs had a meeting with his whole health doctor this week.  They did his whole body scan.  Not only has he lost a good amount of weight, he's also gained healthy muscle, lost dangerous fats and inflammation that weren't something you see with the naked eye.  He's in incredible shape, probably better than men half his age. He'll be 74 in a few months and other than that pesky back issue (jumping out of planes in service of his country definitely played into that issue) he is super healthy. 

I'm not going to say you are less of a human if you are shopping at the grocery, if your priorities don't lean towards buying raw milk and meats fresh from the farm, those are your choices.  I don't believe that makes anyone less than or more than.  I just believe that we have different priorities, different beliefs.  It's all good. 

I'm thankful for my choices.  Hubs is always saying he still works when he is scheduling appointments or things like that.  I laugh in my head a bit, because yes technically, I am "retired", but only from the corporate rat race.  I work harder than I have ever worked in my life.  I spend countless hours doing activities that I know will require a mineral bath and some healing lotions to calm my poor body afterwards.  I also know that my choices will never have an "end" date.  A time where I pull up the welcome mat and just stop.  Well, at least not when I will still be here on this plane.  I will still be working, because that is what we are here to do.  And I will be happy doing it.  Even on those days where the muscles ache, there isn't an ounce of energy left and I long for my bed or a hot bath.  And I am so thankful for that!

Hubs is fond of quoting "do something you love and you will never work a day in your life" or something like that - I'm more of a paraphrase kind of woman.  He's right.  

Well, my choices are calling.  The laundry needs folded and switched over and I need to call Beau in from his morning romp. 

If you are in the path of the extreme cold and possible snow, please be smart.  Please stay warm and definitely don't go traipsing around if you don't need to.  There is very little we actually need, we're just programmed to be out and about. 

take care & much love, 

b