the world is heavy...

My home smells like an exotic marketplace somewhere.  Visions of Aladdin are flowing through my mind.  Or the beautiful outdoor markets of my youth, Greece, Italy, France, Germany... all the beautiful smells are definitely taking me to warmer climates and softer days.  

The freshly ground rich smell of coffee is marrying with the star anise, cardamon pods, cinnamon and ginger.  Topped off by the smell of grapes from the jello.  The softness of clean linens providing the backdrop.  I should definitely start my day like this a bit more often.  

Outside the snow is still lingering.  Slowly receding from the warmth at the sides of the house.  The sky is dark and heavy, like it is whispering that more snow could be heading our way.  I wonder if that is a whisper or a threat. I'll take a threat, but I sure don't feel I need a promise.  We've got enough. Looking at the forecast, it appears we might even be in for a bit of a warm up, if you consider 40° a warm up.  I'll take it, these single digit's have been kicking my butt.  

The pups and I want to go for a long walk, we need some fresh air. It looks like it is on the way.  I'll just quickly send up a silent prayer at this moment.  A friend of mine keeps sharing the weather in Minot vs. here at home... gotta say I never thought I would be jealous of Minot, but here we are. 

Hubs had to go to work super early this morning.  We have a visitation to go to this afternoon, and he needs to get his eight. So the early morning found me fixing hot beverages and making lunch for him.   I figured I was on a roll so why not just keep rolling.  I can't believe I just gave Beau his 8 am meds and I am pretty much done with my morning chores.  Unbelievable. It feels good to start the day off with a bang.  Guess that is why I always loved the early morning shifts... the whole day is still stretched out before me and I feel energized to actually use it. 

Beau doesn't believe in personal space
Poor Belle is getting crowded

I've got something weighing on my mind that I am longing to talk out. Have you ever had something trigger your emotions?  Something make you feel out of control and angry without a clear reason why?  I try hard to not have that happen.  But every now and again, something small will light up that part of my brain.  That darn amygdala gets hijacked and pulling it back to center feels like it takes every bit of energy and strength you have.  

This weekend I had that happen.  It was innocent, but my brain went haywire.  My darn feelings were on fire and I didn't know how to respond.  It was a nothing thing.  Seriously.  But not inside my head. It felt like I was fighting against every slight, every pain, every emotion that I had ever experienced.  The rational side of me was pretty darn disgusted with the emotional side, let me tell you.  Like I said it was simply me taking something in a way that wasn't meant. 

I think we all have those moments.  Where something is presented to us, harmlessly, but in such a manner that it sets us off.  It makes us feel irrational and out of control.  Attacked. Hard to believe that a tiny bit of gray matter in the brain can cause those emotions, those feelings.  But... it does. 

I'm starting to feel like the global population are all fighting that battle with themselves.  And as they are struggling to get a grip on what they are feeling, they are starting to lash out. Working on ways to even the "score" that their brains are amplifying.

A friend of mine, someone I used to truly adore and respect has been traveling down that dark road for a bit now. I've silently watched the change in who they are as a person, saddened for the loss I've watched happen.  The other day they shared something on Facebook that was an easily verifiable falsehood, and written to cause hate and discontent.  It was for laughs - is how they posed it.  Reading it, reading the comments and their defense of it, made me ill.  Brought a sadness to me that I didn't quite expect.  Their defense of it was that it was funny, even if untrue and that made it okay. With absolutely no concern to the fact that is was a blatant lie and in this day and age people don't search for the truth when a lie makes them feel better about their own thoughts. Hmmm... wasn't that warned about in the Bible and other teachings?

In this powder keg of a world we are living in right now, stirring a hornets nest to calm your own emotions and justify them hardly seems prudent. 

Everywhere I turn I am seeing people reacting out of frustration and anger.  They are pushing those emotions on others instead of stepping back and calming themselves. Looking deeper to see what is causing them to be in a constant state of unease. I was listening to a podcast the other day, and the overarching theme was about how we seem to be locked in a constant struggle to be right, to be the victor, when what we really need is to splash around a lot of love.  

I can't say I disagree.  

I have been walking away from a lot of things and people that bring me anxiety and stress.  If you are a negative Nelly and only want to tear people down.  Sorry, we aren't going to continue being friends or even acquaintances. If I go to your business and you are ugly, well, I am not required to frequent your business.  This isn't something that has happened overnight, nor are the decisions something I am making irrationally.  I give grace, but I refuse to live with abuse in any form. 

Now, I realize that in a work situation or professional relationship, it isn't that easy.  And you can't exactly yell at someone telling them that their "style" is really hurting your working relationship.  I've been there.  I completely get that one.  It definitely feels like more and more "leaders" are not exactly leading anymore, they are attacking or dictating from on high.  I've watched managers berate people, put them down, cause them grief simply because they can. I've witnessed rudeness to peers and subordinates that makes my brain do flip flops trying to understand it all. 

I've watched the woman that leads the aqua therapy at the VA treat veterans in her care with a harsh and uncaring manner.  I can't even say bordering on rudeness, she is flat out horrible to them.  Not only are these men and women veterans that served their country thanklessly, they are also the reason that she has a job.  One for which she doesn't seem very grateful. 

My question is why?  What is triggering these actions.  The hatefulness is exhausting.  It keeps everyone in a state of defense and no one is communicating or working together.  Is that the plan?  To just divide us all on every level?  To keep our amygdala's in an constant state of hijack where we no longer have the ability to be civil and caring to one another?  Does that attitude make them feel better about themselves?  Are the people losing control of themselves even aware of the shotgun effect of their actions and words?  Do they care? 

I pray that I am not doing that to others.  I pray that when my amygdala gets hijacked that I am able to always step away and recenter myself.  This weekend, I knew it was entirely a me thing, I knew it was my past pains and hurts stepping forward to steal center stage.  Stupid.  Yes, an entirely human response. Once I was able to sort out why I reacted the way I did, I was able to move forward.  Sometimes innocent comments can cause those emotions.  How we react is the difference.  If I had exploded in anger or been petty, those would not have been appropriate and would have escalated a nothing into a something. 

It feels like a lot of people these days are escalating that nothing. And the something is getting uglier by the moment.  I'm watching things that literally break my heart.  People that I would have described as caring, honest, even nurturing are showing a side that is just plain gross.  People from another lifetime, people I respected, that inspired me.  I am watching them destroy others in a quest I can't understand.  Nothing in this world is worth anything if it has to have destruction of another to achieve it.  

I don't have answers.  Only observations that cause me to stop and ponder.  It's easier from the outside.  Most of what I am watching is heartbreaking. I truly have no solutions.  Only questions. 

I will keep doing my best to offer hope, love, encouragement.  I don't want to fight someone else's amygdala.  Heck I have enough trouble keeping my own in check. A very long time ago I was assigned to read a book "Switch: How to change when change is hard" by Chip Heath. I only vaguely paid attention, because honestly I hate being assigned to do just about anything.  The bits I did read really stuck with me, and I should probably revisit it, because I think it is valuable, especially in this time we are living in, in a way I didn't understand back then. Says the woman that just dug out her Nook and put it on charge - hopefully it still works it's been in the cupboard for years....

Wow, I have definitely rattled on today, I am guessing things are making me a bit frazzled around the edges and I'm not in the thick of it. I'm going to continue doing the best I can to help everyone around me get into a calmer spot, a slower space.  I'm going to continue to encourage everyone to step back.  Shut off the television, the computer, the phone.  Remember the 80's and before.  Go outside, breath fresh air (okay now I know I'm frazzled) and simply be.  Smell some spices. Dig into some of those granny/grandpa skills and hobbies, and if you've forgotten them, maybe it's time to get back in touch with them.  Remind yourself... 

The laundry is wrapping up, there are a few more chores to deal with and then I intend to focus in on things that will get us closer to plan. What does your day look like, how are you reconnecting? 

much love, 

b

but why?

Good morning!! I am in the process of rerouting my day.  So let's celebrate the good things!  There is so much negativity and pain going around.  It's starting to wear people down and it's really making me sad.  As I came downstairs this morning ready to start the day after a uneasy night I could hear Hubs in the basement.  He was definitely not in a happy place.  I stopped to see if there was any assistance I could offer, but as it was a purely technological issue, I quickly gave him a kiss, grabbed my coffee and headed back up to spend the morning with the pups.  

Over the course of a few hours and few people Hubs' mood has definitely gotten darker, even though he kept trying to right the ship.  I'm hoping when he gets home he will be his usual easy going self.  I understand his frustrations.  I truly do.  I'm a bit shocked at the folks causing them, not the usual suspects so to speak.  Which is what leads me to rerouting my day. 

What in the world is wrong with folks?  The grousing and the world owes me attitude is exhausting.  Some of the things I hear come out of people's mouths or worse in writing, blows my ever loving mind!!  I can imagine my parents bringing me up short if I had ever thought I was that important and irreplaceable. 

Newsflash... we are all replaceable.  In every aspect of our lives, with the exception of family, and even those dynamics are something that can be walked away from. Families break apart all the time for a multitude of reasons.  Do they still share blood, oh yeah, do they share a life, not always. 

Friendships, relationships, careers, schools, groups, committees, businesses, etc... the list is absolutely endless. We all can be replaced.  Which is why I am not understanding the way people are behaving lately. Or maybe they have always been this way and I had deep red, rose colored glasses on. 

maybe we should try tug o war?

If I get annoyed with how a business treats me, I go somewhere else.  If you are my friend and you start treating me in a way that is ugly and demeaning, well, our friendship is done. Same goes for any type of relationship.

When I am out in public and I listen to how people interact with fellow team members I am shocked.  I can tell you I have never told a boss or supervisor when I would work, who I would work with or what I would do.  Heck, I didn't even know those kinds of things could happen.  But they definitely do with alarming regularity. 

In my humble opinion, none of us is guaranteed anything in this world.  We need to be able to work together, to treat others with the same respect we ourselves want, and we definitely need to be able to communicate.  We need to have empathy for the struggles that others are dealing with, but at the same time be willing to either walk away (if the relationship isn't worth saving) or call someone out (if it is) when those struggles become the entire world they are living in. We all do it, some of just have those amazing people in our lives.  The ones that help us navigate what appears to be impossible.

I keep watching as more and more people become lost in this crazy, ugly space.  Demanding.  It's exactly like the years that I was a teacher in the 2 year old room.  I loved that age, they were busy discovering who they were and would become. I also hated that age, with an absolute passion.  When challenged they became rigid, unmovable, unwilling to try to understand another alternative might work better for them.  And they simply didn't have the words.  And when the words aren't there, the emotions and rage inside at being unable to verbalize their needs became downright torturous external behavior.  We've all heard about the terrible twos and even if you haven't experienced you can understand.  

I am fairly certain that all of us forever retain that rebellious 2 year old deep inside.  I think most of us manage to acknowledge that we have moments when we are unreasonable, we feel unable to verbalize our wants and needs in an appropriate manner, and we feel a little like the storm outside us is too big and it's affecting the inside us. Most of us still retain the ability to recognize that and to handle it like adults. We step away, we reflect, we get hold of our emotions before we speak. 

What I am watching from my quiet place is a world that is rapidly devolving into an out of control 2 year old playroom. Where half the kids got the toy everyone wanted and the adults stepped out to watch through one way glass.  There is yelling, pushing, shoving.  The experiment is escalating out of control, the inner 2 year old is winning. Name calling, tantrums, hair pulling, screaming, tears (lots of tears) and a whole lot of "mine, mine, mine".  And don't forget the ever present "NO!". 

When pushed into these scenarios with the inability to communicate appropriately, the wheels come off the bus. Are things like social media or media in general, causing this decline in the ability to acknowledge a situation without throwing yourself on the ground and having a tantrum?  I have no idea, but I long for a simpler time, a gentler time. 

Life is never going to be "fair".  There will always be have's, have not's and I don't cares.  There will always be those that life just flows for, there will always be strain and stress.  None of us will ever agree with another 100% on anything.  Even if it is a blood family member or the love of your life, your soul mate.  There will still be things that make you scratch your head, step back and go "huh?".  And it's okay. As Hubs always quotes "wouldn't it be a drag if we were all the same".

But throwing verbal tantrums, demeaning others, being disrespectful or rude.  Sorry, I firmly believe there is no place in this world for that kind of nonsense.   And when full grown men and women act like they are toddlers.  That is just exhausting.  When businesses refuse to hear and deal with customers in a helpful manner, even more exhausting. 

Dealing with that kind of negativity isn't helping anyone.  My parents taught me you get more flies with honey.  Now I do believe flies are very attracted to poop too, so that might not be a sound analogy, but the fact remains, if you want me to be on by your side, to be an ally and a supporter, then you'd better be bringing the honey.  It doesn't matter if we think the same, feel the same, have the same hopes, dreams or goals.  I will be beside you, as long as you are kind and willing to meet somewhere close to the middle.  Start threatening, demanding or acting like you are a 2 year old without the skills required to communicate and we are going to be done. 

Standing on the sidelines, observing all of this, it really makes me sad.  I feel for the fact that my sweet Hubs who would do anything for anyone (literally - he doesn't set the strong boundaries that I do) has anyone acting like that... well mind blown. People seriously need to revisit using internal filters before speaking, texting, emailing, etc.  "Is it true, is it necessary, is it kind", I believe that is the filter that Buddhist practitioners use. Maybe it would benefit us all?

I absorbed as much of his energy as I could this morning, hoping by being a safe space he would have a better day.  I knew it wasn't directed at me.  I knew he was feeling the effects of outside forces. I get it.  I wish I could put a blanket of protection around him, I wish a few other things, but I can't so I won't... 

As he left to deal with a world that is rapidly devolving, I decided it was time to refocus.  To change the trajectory of the moment.  I know rain is coming this afternoon, evidently lots of it.  My body is a bit weary from pushing so much the past few weeks, I do have a health issue that causes those kinds of pains to linger unfortunately.  But I still had outside chores to tackle, so... I did.  

Before the rain I got the obedient plants in the ground along the fence line, I am hopeful that the fact that they like to spread out will mean they will head down the steep hill to provide erosion control. And I planted the tall asters along the front of the lower deck.  I adore my neighbor on that side, but I am not fond of the lack of a physical barrier and the exposure while enjoying the time out back.  I am a person that likes privacy. When I invite you in, I cherish that time, the rest of the time, I might be a spoiled two year old that put myself in timeout. 

The lady I bought the plants from assured me that the Asters will grow to about 5 or 6 feet tall and they will also spread.  I am toying with adding more zinnia seeds in between while waiting for that to become the reality.  A little beauty mixed with a little privacy.  Seems like a win/win to me. 

how did it get under there?

Digging in the soil, marveling at the thick earthworms that are moving back into yard, breaking the large clumps of flowers so that they can expand and grow... all of these things slows the pace.  Calms the spirit, connects us to things that matter., grounds us. 

Hubs will be home in a few hours for lunch, hopefully he is able to calm the stressors that were causing his morning to go off the tracks.  For me, I am planning a calm rest of the day.  A chance for my weary, painful muscles to rest.  I will tackle the softer things on my list.  Let things ease up.  

Bring on the rain... I'm ready... 

love and peace, b

I'm over it...

Have you noticed it?  Have you been sitting quietly watching it happen?  I'm guilty.  I think we all are to some extent.  Last night I was furious.  I was weary and worn out.  I tried to write this last night, but the anger was far too evident and unrestrained.  I decided that I needed to breathe, to take a moment and sit with my feelings.  To process my thoughts. 

For a long while now, I have observed the silencing of voices.  I have watched in horror as even my own voice has been hushed for the general peace that I thought it would bring. Because I do not like conflict, I don't like arguments or discord.  Both of those things feel like razors to my soul.  I am rapidly reaching my own personal precipice. I am reaching the point that my own temper is nearing boiling. I am fed up with the things that are becoming the norm. It makes me absolutely sick. 

Last night was when things really started to wear me down, I had a hard time even going to sleep, so much was rattling in my brain.  Who even knows if history is real or simply another make believe story, it's always told from the perspective of the victor, so who knows what is real and what is designed as predictive story telling?  The same thing is true of the news, books, and magazines.  Don't get me started on the brainwashing facilities that we call schools. 

Yesterday I attempted to respond to a discussion on Nextdoor, it was in regards to another proposed new tax.  Because the city is concerned that they are not getting as much income as they feel they deserve to offer you the services that they do.  The mayor himself was in the discussion, saying how it was only fair to local businesses that other businesses outside of our city have to charge us additional taxes also.  I spent an hour trying to reply, to ask questions - their site is horrible, it was worse than typing back in the day of dial up service.  I know it was only their site, because I was bouncing to another site while waiting for the words I'd typed to show up.  After much thought and time I was ready to post.  Only to be asked if I wanted to risk publishing it because it wasn't nice to question our political leaders.  EXCUSE ME?  I read their guidelines once again, and decided that I hadn't violated any of them with my questions and thoughts and hit post anyway.  Immediately my post disappeared.  Evidently asking intelligent questions regarding a proposal that will impact my bottom line is a no go.  No worries, FYI I'm voting no.  I am sick and tired of the continual raise to taxes.  Add up the cost of taxes to every dollar you have... it's staggering. 

Have you noticed that logging into Facebook on your phone you get a notice that you are only seeing "relevant" stories?  I'm sorry, but who gives you the right to determine what is relevant to me?  Groups I have followed for years no longer show up in my feed and I can't force them to, I have to go and look for them if I am interested.  Newsflash, I wouldn't have started following them if I wasn't interested.  And for the record Meatball is a beautiful pitbull that I have followed his whole life, and it's none of their damn business why I follow it!

I have family members, that have blocked family, have shut them down for not having the same basic thought process.  They have been ugly and cruel because of people not agreeing with them.  It makes me sick, absolutely makes me want to throw up.  When did we become robots?  When did group think become the ideal of the day?  When did it become okay to treat others in such a horrible manner simply because you don't see the world through the same lens?

I'm sick of it all.  I am tired of the lies, the hatred, the rhetoric.  I am tired of the insanity.  

One of the foodie channels I follow posted a yummy looking brownie recipe, filled with caramel and all the other goodness.  She had to pull the recipe down.  Not because of the recipe, had nothing to do with the recipe.  BUT how dare she mention that she had enjoyed the half time show in the super bowl.  I mean seriously?  She was verbally abused for that statement to the point she removed the post to stop the ugly.  What is wrong with people?  Did I enjoy the half time show, no, but that is simply because it is not the type of music that I enjoy.  That doesn't mean that I would take away that enjoyment from anyone else, I simply didn't watch it.  For pities sake people... STOP! She ultimately had to pull the same recipe one more time before the haters stopped, even removing any comment about the half time show did not stop the madness.  The final posting was simply a picture of the brownie, nothing personal on her own personal page, because you know haters. 

I am weary of haters.  I feel so sorry for those that cannot see the ugly they are inflicting.  Or the reason for it. 

My sweet Hubs called me on his drive to work.  He was astounded at two news stories that he had just heard, disgusted might be a better one.  Evidently the ATF and the Rockwood School district are pushing the turn your loved ones, former loved ones and neighbors in for not doing what they want you to do.  

"Valentine's Day can still be fun even if you broke up. Do you have information about a former (or current) partner involved in illegal gun activity? Let us know, and we will make sure it's a Valentine's Day to remember! Call 1-888-ATF-TIPS or email ATFTips@atf.gov." 

I'm seriously not even remotely sure how to take this, to process it, to even begin to understand what they are saying here. But I can assure you that every cell in my body went WTF?  And I am not saying Wednesday, Thursday, Friday... I am questioning how the first part of that statement can even exist... 

The school district is encouraging calling the FBI for anyone that does not agree with the school board decisions.  Again, excuse me?  You are elected officials, you are not gods, you need to be listening to the parents not dictating and if they disagree you want the FBI contacted?  You admitted to calling the FBI on parents, because they disagreed with you?  

What in the name of sanity is going on in this world? At what point does the insanity stop?  When do people realize that we are stronger together, that it is freaking okay to disagree on any point and no one has to be completely right? 

There is so much that is wrong in this world right now, so many lies, so much hatred, so much ugly.  Too much heartbreak.  I mean to the north of us they are basically declaring martial law because the elected leader refuses to speak with peaceful protesters... geez... 

I have said it before, but I truly have reached my breaking point.  I will continue to blog. I will continue to give as much good out as I absolutely can. If you need me, I'm here.  I simply need to step away from a lot of the ugly, it isn't serving my highest good.  Is it serving yours?  I will have a conversation and respectfully hear your opinions, thoughts and ideas as long as in that exchange you do the same.  Who knows you may present information that after careful thought and review I will adopt into my own thought processes.  Or we may both decide to respectfully agree to disagree and continue to be friends with a meaningful relationship.  

I move we bring respectful discourse back to the table, we learn to listen with our hearts and realize that we are all being lied to, that we are all being controlled.  I don't know why, but I definitely have a few ideas... 

If you need me, I will be peacefully living my life, engaged in activities that bring me joy, that fill my soul with love and a deep sense of fulfillment. 

To steal a line from one of my favorite german shepherds... "B out"... 

love and peace...

frustration...

When I had my knee replaced I took up a new hobby, it's called contacting the insurance company weekly.  I followed everything the doctors office requested.  EVERYTHING! I even postponed surgery to make it easier and less complicated on their billing department.  None of the other medical departments connected with my surgery had any challenges getting things processed correctly.  But the surgeon's office... Oh my goodness!!  

I can tell you how long the pause is between the sections of elevator music they play when you are on hold.  I can officially tell you that our healthcare system is completely jacked up and that I am beyond over it all. The insurance company is not refusing to pay, they simply need the doctors office to submit the bill correctly.  Instead, the woman at Docs office simply sent me a bill for the entire amount and told me if I didn't want to personally pay it, I could sit on hold with the insurance company, because she was done with wasting her time and it was my responsibility to either correct it or pay it, she didn't care. 

Mind you, she has been the one that directed how everything should happen in the first place and didn't do her job correctly from the start.  But sure, let me clean up this mess for you, I don't mind wasting an hour or two per week to get you paid so that you don't have to do your job. 

Yes, I am a bit testy.  Especially when I keep getting snapped on by this woman when I call to give her an update, well if she is even there.  The last three times I've called she hasn't been available. 

I will admit that I am sitting her with tears in my eyes right now, trying not to get too excited, but it is highly possible that I have finally completed my newest hobby.  They have given me that assurance before and it's fallen through, but today they actually said the words that it has been processed finally.  I will be so over the moon if I no longer have to deal with this. If I can finally mark it off my weekly to do list. 

Insurance companies dictate your services, Doctors offices are over crowded, hospitals are raising rates and dropping service levels... it's only getting worse and worse and please, please, please do not try to tell me it's all because of the pandemic.  It's not.  Although it does feel that people are constantly using that as an excuse for doing and being less than. 

Don't get me wrong, I definitely benefit from my new knee.  I also benefit from having good insurance and at no point do I mind helping anyone with anything.  I simply do no understand why she couldn't do her own job. I don't work for the doctors office, yet it is my persistence that will lead to them finally getting paid. And ironically, she is still not available for the information.  It's exhausting. 

It's no different than when I go to the grocery store and my only option is wait for the single cashier for an extended length of time because no one wants to self-checkout, or I self-checkout.  I am not your employee, if me doing your job saves you money, then how about you offer an "employee" discount at those self-checkout lines? Make it worth my aggravation to use your system, that I was never trained to use, to check myself out.

Geez, I guess it is definitely feisty Monday for me. I didn't wake up in a feisty mood, I promise... well actually I think I just woke up in a tired mood.  Didn't sleep well last night, had to get up early because I never did get Hubs haircut done last night, so I am a bit weary.  

But the mood has more to do with my time not being respected as valuable, it has to do with people that are disrespectful and cranky.  Some folks never learned you catch more flies with honey. 

Hopefully, this is the final call I will have to make.  Hopefully this is the last time I will sit on hold with the insurance company. Now its time to tackle the rest of my to do list. Even retired there are still many things that require time and attention to details, not everything sadly can wait until the next day or a later time.

I sure don't want to sound like my folks did to me when life started changing around them, and not through the lens of progress.  I'm sure they felt the same about their folks view on changes also.  It's almost a rite of passage.  And this old fashioned girl does not want life to move rapidly in such an unfriendly and unwelcoming manner. 

I try to always put others first, I try to always treat them with kindness and grace, I don't really want to be part of a society that doesn't do that any longer.  Where you are shoved off to deal automated systems, people that are burned out and don't like their career paths and it shows, sent to webpages to look for information that may or may not be there instead of being able to pick up a phone and call for answers. 

I am not always sure that life has changed for the better... I'm trying to see it though... I promise!

For now, I think I am going to enjoy the on hold music from the County Assessors office, a cup of hot coffee and work on unknitting my sweater (went 10 rows too far on the wrong pattern...) and looking out the window at the young bucks that are wandering around in the snow out back. I need a mental reset today!  Pups and I definitely need to find a park path to wander!

love and peace...

one of those days...

How is it already 7 am?  How is it that the sky is already turning a soft blue, the clouds are hiding the sunrise from me, but it's definitely a gentle blue with a tinge of orange/pink at the edges of the clouds. My sweet babies are already sleeping for their second nap of the day.  We've been up since about 330 am, so I am fairly positive mommy is going to nap later today when they do.  

I decided against trying to go back to sleep for the hour they would give me this morning, rightfully so, as they played for a good hour before being tired again.  By then I was wide awake, so I made good use of the first nap.  I started unquilting the quilt I am working on.  

I am annoyed by it, not going to even remotely dispute that fact. It's a gift I want it to be perfect.  Well as perfect as possible.  I tried a new thread.  Not impressed at all.  Maybe it will work okay on my actual sewing machines, but I am done with it on the longarm.  I am beyond stressed and annoyed with it.  And having to remove almost 18 inches of finished work is not putting me in my happy place.  It is going to take at least a day if not longer to pull it all out.  Cripes at this rate it will be another week before it is gifted. Yes, I am seriously irritated. It's my own fault, I should have stopped and checked it more frequently. 

Once I pull it all out, I will switch back the thread that I know creates a beautiful stitch, regardless of all the fuzz it also produces.  At least I will be able to finish the quilt and have it look great.  So sadly, afternoon kennel nap is going to be spent bending over the longarm frame tediously removing stitches one at a time. Pretty sure I am going to spend this morning working on my sweater so I am at least calm, well sort of... 

I am not loving the color of the yarn nearly as much in my sweater as I did in the ball, it's striping, I am not a stripe person. But it is turning out so pretty, I will go ahead and finish it.  If I end up not in love, I add it to my inventory and get a different yarn to make one for myself.  Everyone that has looked at it thus far really likes it, so we'll see what it looks like finished.  The other challenge is that the front is designed to be shorter than the back so lining those stripes up is going to be a blast.  Yep, that is serious sarcasm there. 

All I can say is that next time I decide to tell the universe that I want to sharpen and develop my skills I need to be far more specific.  Because everything is proving to be a challenge.  I might need to narrow it down to one specific craft at a time.  Somewhere I need a safe spot to create the things that simply bring me joy without any deep thought required. 

It's all good.  I am fairly sure it is just the exhaustion, but double barrel disappointment is not something I am excited about. Maybe I just need to slow down and ask myself what the lesson I am supposed to be learning is.  Am I so wrapped up in completing the project, in the time allotted by puppy naps that I am not taking time to make sure everything is working correctly and taking the time to check?  Might be a good day to slow it down and do some extra meditation. 

I think today is a day that it is best I work alone.  I am not doing well with peopling - and I'm the only people that I am dealing with. Some days it's better to simply stay to yourself.  Today... might be that day.  Everything seems to be slightly off center.  Maybe I will feel more focused and centered after putting myself in time out.  Okay that humored me, although I might just need to write a list of things I am grateful for, that usually flips the switch for me. 

What works for you when you feel like nothing is going the way you want it to?  I am definitely open to suggestions! 

I was finally able to get a picture of Hubs in his Christmas sweater, I am really pleased with how it turned out and I am in love with the yarn I used for it. It looks great on him and he says its nice and warm.  Perfect for this 7 degree morning. 

I think I need to focus on the successes this morning, the others won't feel so annoying. I guess we all have days like this, they are just so rare for me anymore that I am not at all used to it and might be losing my skill set on dealing with disappointments.  Although fixing things has definitely led to a quick morning.  Hubs is already off to start his day, he's got a busy morning lined up. 

I used to pray for days when the clock flew fast, especially on a Friday.  Now that I have my own schedule and plan my days they have a steady flow to them.  I don't watch the clock anymore.  Although I do find myself surprised like today, when it seems that only an hour or so has passed and I find it's more than four hours into the day. 

Well my sweet puppies are starting to stir, so it's time to do the morning potty and play routine.  This day will end up being wonderful... and I will find the lessons needing learned from the struggles.  

love and peace... 

puzzled...

Tick tock... that clock seems to have the minute hands swirling out of control.  I fully expect them to fly right off any moment now.  I have a visual in my head of them simply spiraling out into space.  Here it is not even the middle of October and we got a book in the mail from Amazon.  I was puzzled at first, what in the world would Amazon be sending in book form?  

It would seem that Amazon is taking a page from Sears and Roebuck, as it is a wishbook full of toys and a wish list.  Strange.  Surreal.  A million thoughts poured through my head.  Mostly settling on the pure irony of it all.  Amazon is one of the reason that stores like Sears and the other brick and mortars have been shuttering their doors for decades now.  The fact that they are repurposing one of their best selling tools, it's ironic to say the least.  I guess they realized that children want what they can see, not what they are going to surf the web to look at.  

The next thought was that a little marketing survey - or even looking at our purchasing history - would have told them that we have no small children in our home, nor do we purchase toys from Amazon.  Or at least not many. 

I don't know, the whole mix of thoughts and feelings simply put a bad taste in my mouth.  It felt ugly.  Although I have admitted that I am really struggling with sheer volume of commercialism that is being forced on us.  I glanced through, as the cover doesn't truly tell what is inside.  Pages and pages of shiny plastic toys.  All designed to stir a desire in children for the fancy things that they will quickly tire of. 

If you are on my Christmas list this year, you might be disappointed.  All of my gifts are going to be practical.  Most will be made with love, I will be thinking about you and focusing on how much I love and cherish you while I make them.  

I don't want a ton of useless items to flow from or to me.  There is simply too much of that in the world already.  Add to that the fact that it isn't even Halloween and you are bombarding me with your holiday wares... ugghhh...

Okay, I think I will climb off my soapbox now.  I was simply in disbelief.  That isn't to say that I am not working on gifts myself, I do that fairly year round.  I simply felt overwhelmed by it all.  I went to pick up a few random items and the store I walked into looked like an advertisement for Nightmare before Christmas, no Jack wasn't lingering everywhere, but one side of the aisle was Halloween and the other Christmas. Slow down!

I fear I am becoming a scrooge as I start this new phase of my life.  Or maybe I am simply becoming weary with the world we are having forced down our throats.  Not sure which it is. But I do not intend to linger on it today. 

Hubs is home for the next two days, he's injured himself with a pulled muscle and will need to chill out.  Then he is back to work for a single day, before we take our first long vacation of the year.  We are planning to go camping for a solid week.  I know most folks head out during the summer months, but neither of us are over the moon with heat, both of us LOVE the beauty of autumn.  

It should be interesting, as he will be restricted to lifting no more than 5 pounds and I can lift, but I am still not 100% steady on my feet.  Truth is once we set up camp, neither of us should have anything to worry about.  Just sitting around, relaxing and enjoying the beauty around us.  Short walks for therapy, hours of relaxation and rest in the great outdoors.  Hubs will fish, he can't be near water and not fish it is physically impossible for him, he better not finally snag that 8 pounder. 

We struggled to agree on the direction we were going to head.  I didn't trust my own willpower on heading too close to Hamilton, I long to visit Missouri Star Quilt Company, it is definitely on my bucket list.  What isn't on my bucket list right now is buying anymore supplies.  Again with that darn consumerism thing.  I can't be trusted.  I am as bad as the kiddo's are with the toys when you get me anywhere near supplies that I could possibly need some day.  So... we put a big no to that one.  Besides it was over 4 hours away and towing the camper and adding in my needed stops it would probably take us six hours to get there.  That is not in my realm right now. 

I also wanted to go north to capture the true beauty of autumn.  Then I realized that the beauty was all around us and there was no need to focus on one area.  In the end we settled for our first state park experience just 90 minutes from home and not terribly far from where we used to own land for camping. In an area we have explored many times and always find something new to love.  The other places promised far too many temptations for trail walks and caves to explore.  I can't do those right now. 

I am looking forward to stepping away.  I love my home, but I also love my camper.  I love being disconnected and relaxing.  

Guess it's time to re-immerse myself back into the real world.  The one that can't decide what holiday we are on, where the clock spins out of control and the days fly by.  The world is changing though.  People are changing.  I guess I need to learn to use a bit more patience...

Love and Peace! 

I just can't!

So, I just did a thing, sort of...  As I was typing my blog a random thought that I needed to share with my son about an issue he's been dealing with popped into my head.  I didn't want to lose it, so I switched over to messenger to send him a note. While I was doing that, I saw that a family member decided to post on something I shared. 

As soon as I saw it pop up my head started buzzing.  I heard my inside voice saying, don't look at it, it will be something negative. Because it always is, it's always biting or passive aggressive when they comment.  It's frankly exhausting.  I don't even know this person, I haven't been home in over 22 years, things like these comments are what make it a distasteful thought to go home.  I don't deal well with the self-centered. 

But restraint isn't my strong suit so... I opened it. And of course they took the entire statement into the space they are living in.  I get it.  I can even respect their thoughts and their fears. The irony, it is a far broader topic than they decided to land on. In fact the reason I shared it was because it was profound for me.  It made me think of many times throughout my life. 

This is the post. I was not thinking of current events, although I feel bullying is at an all time high.  I was actually thinking of all types of bullying when I shared it. How many of you remember being a kid?  How many of you experienced those moments of being shy, uncertain, learning to navigate life.  Did you get pressured to smoke, drink, try drugs, date the wrong person, have sex before you were ready, drive too young, go clubbing, go against every single rule your parents laid out for you?  I mean those are just a few examples. If you didn't do the things, you were in jeopardy of being labeled a nerd, uncool, socially awkward, etc. 

To me that was the true essence of this quote. And the reason it was so powerful, is because I was that uncool and socially awkward kid.  I dated and hung out with some of the cool kids, but I was seriously someone that very few remember.  Because I simply didn't do the "cool" stuff, I have always followed my gut and inner voice. And while at the time it might have seemed stupid, at the season of my life, I am very thankful for that inner voice.

I am a questioner, I need solid answers and proof.  Please don't quote "science" to me, because if you look back through time, "the science" has led us to some pretty dark times in history. Lobotomy anyone? Leaches and blood letting? Cigarettes? More medications that can be counted. Science is ever changing and sometimes you have to wait a good while before you see the truth.  I will need to sit with an idea or suggestion for a good bit.  I will need to know in my gut that it will be something I am okay with. 

I have always been that way. I will always be that way. I will always question and research everything.  

I am simply tired.  I am tired of people thinking things like that are simply okay.  I can respect and honor your thoughts, decisions, ideals... but you can't do the same for me and others?  I don't like passive-aggressive bullies.  I do not have the time of day for them.  Want to have a discussion with me?  Please reach out to me personally, we will probably agree to disagree, but it isn't something the world needs a ringside seat at. 

Each of us is born with free will, how much or how little of that we choose to fight for and retain, that is a very personal choice. I know I am far too strong willed to ever give up my free will without a fight. We are all on a journey in this life, a path.  We have things to learn, we have experiences that we are meant to have.  All of these things are very, very personal and a choice that only we should make.  

It can be something simple, this car or that one, house, apartment or yurt for pity's sake.  Or it can be far more complex and detailed. Divorce or work it out, what state or even country to live in, schooling, children, medical treatments, career etc.  All of those are things that at times you can be find yourself scared, bribed, pressured or guilted into making a choice that does not align with you as a human and the journey that you are on. I am sure that is only the tip of the iceberg, that each of us could add many experiences where we found ourselves being pushed in a direction that was not right for us. 

It applies in so many instances in life.  Ask anyone that is in an abusive situation if they are living their best life, ask them what their gut says.  Ask the parent that has left a bad situation, but needs to share their child.  Ask anyone given a medical diagnosis that is hard to deal with and is being led to chose one treatment plan over another. Or do you stay in a career that is unsatisfying or take your life to a higher level by following dreams, even if you are afraid.

I am tired of petty.  I am tired of people that refuse to open their minds and hearts to meet other souls where they are at and then respect and honor the place they are. Not a single one of us knows if our path is right or wrong.  No one has the ability to know if a decision will alter their life course in a profound way.  Take off your myopic glasses and really see what is going on around you in technicolor.  Take it all in and then speak.  I will bet you that once you have taken it all in you will realize that you are only seeing and witnessing a very small reality, and at that time you will realize you don't have to speak.  Because you will know it isn't needed.

I try to give grace to everyone to follow their own paths and be their own person, without a petty and immature comment showing up when I choose to share a thought concerning my own thoughts. I don't want to be that witch that goes in and blocks people.  I don't want to be tempted to lower myself to their level.  I almost did that today.  

I'm sorry for the rant.  I guess it was one too many self-centered humans in my world right now.  And over the course of getting ready for my surgery tomorrow, I have had to deal with quite a few interesting people.  From the anesthesiologist that felt it was important to share horror story's with me to my own doctor, who chose to berate me for not making faster progress without knowing (or asking) that I have made incredible progress in one month - because I was following the advice of the orthopedist and not him. Weird thing with that - when he told me to do it, he gave me no guidance or direction, just do it.  The orthopedist has me feeling stronger, healthier and in better shape in 5 weeks because he laid out a clear path and instead of telling me to follow him, gave me all the tools I needed to learn the "why" and showed me the start of the path to start my own journey on. 

I guess I wasn't ready for one more.

I had the most incredible weekend.  I had planned to tell you all about the magic of time together with your soul mate. The fun and laughter.  I was hoping to have a serious chat about the power of that magic as I am facing a huge fear for me in the morning. And how much it calmed me.

winning

losing...

I've got jokes 😂

favorite camping activity

storms rolling in...

I know I need my knee replaced.  I know that the quality of my life will be so much stronger once I recover. I have worked very hard to educate myself, to be ready for the unknown.  I think I've already shared that I don't do well with lack of control, I have to deal with the fact that for the next few months I will have to rely on others to protect me and make good decisions during the time I am not able to do that myself, to support and assist me.  To help me learn to navigate the uncertain and the new change of a different knee.  For a moment in time I will have to release full control over me and my life.  For the second time in one year.  It's hard. 

I trust that I have surrounded myself with a powerful group of humans.  I trust that my best interests will be honored and supported.  In this instance it is more faith than I had to put in Hubs when we road the motorcycle.  I know my sweet Hubs will love me through it. 

The phone call that said "be at the hospital at 5 am tomorrow" cemented the reality in my heart and head. It lit a fire to complete the tasks I need to complete to be ready.  

I don't know that I will write for a few, this is all very new to me.  I personally want to believe that I will be wide awake and clear headed by noon tomorrow.  Hubs feels I will be medicated and pretty out of it. Yes, I realize he is probably right.  And while I would love to go home on my birthday, chances aren't really looking all that positive. I mean it's Wednesday... I might be being a bit too Polly Anna with that one. 

Again... sorry for venting.  But enough is enough.  Peace and Love all! 

upside down... right side up...

"Some days the best you can hope for is for it to be over!"  Seven years ago today I posted that on Facebook.  The irony is not escaping me. I don't remember the context, but I can imagine.  I remember what was going on in my world at that time, I remember the stress, anxiety, the desire to run. 

Who knows, maybe it is a 7 year cycle? Maybe I should have made a different choice back then.  Who knows maybe this is a chance to revisit those thoughts and make a different choice now. 

The wind chimes are loud and soothing this morning, yesterday had some serious storms, today is calmer and hazy, the sky is showing more blue, but oh that colder wind. 

It almost feels like my life right now. Some days are incredible.  Bright blue skies, warm sun shining down. Days that seem like they are full of love, light, energy and vibrancy.  The kind you wish would go on forever.  In typical winter, early spring fashion, they are few and far between. The remainder are a mix of volatility, rain, raging winds, no idea if you need a winter coat or a rain jacket, or if you need to brace for hail storms. 

I haven't written, because emotionally I have been in a crazy vulnerable space that felt far too private and fragile to share.  Not sure it isn't now.  Trying to see if I can without too much danger to myself.  Because that is how life feels right now.  Living on the edge of an eggshell field, afraid to take those steps, knowing I will shatter something and not so sure I can take anymore.  It's been a long time since I have been in this space. 

2020 was tough, but I didn't feel it truly change who I was as a person living this lifetime.  2021... has been a whole different ball game. It's been a brutal roller coaster ride that is exhausting.  As I started to write today, I noticed the last time I started to write was Feb. 1... all I wrote was "well..." I never got to finish it.  As I hit the little delete button I realized that simple "well..." pretty much sums up the past two months.  It defines all of it in a simple, exquisitely perfect phrase. 

Being ill earlier in the year has definitely left some side affects.  I am not an emotional person, or I wasn't.  That part of me faded away in a bitter puddle a long time ago.  I built walls (big walls) that very few are allowed inside of.  I have to trust you with my very life to let you in there. Being sick made me vulnerable, weak, a bit fragile (there is that dreaded word again - I know it is meant to be there, as it keeps popping into my head... but...).  It's been a while since I have felt strong, confident, able to tackle the world.  Even typing this is causing anxiety and the threat of tears burning at the back of my eyes. 

I went back to work on February 1.  I didn't expect a cake walk, but I wasn't ready for a shit storm. I'm still not.  Other's choices and actions have hit me hard.  I have had little to no time for myself.  I was supposed to go back on shorter days initially, but due to things out of my control I hit the ground running, and yesterday was the first time I didn't allow work to enter my world in two months. No text messages, no emergencies.  It was a day of beauty and peace.  Wine tasting and walking in sunshine (well at least for a while).  It was a time of laughter and joy.  I completely needed it. 

And as my sharp witted knee doctor pointed out (I really enjoy a sharp wit) any virus will attack your weakest spot, and the 9 days of illness had definitely impacted those darn knees.  I'm still processing that news. For now the latest treatment is working, the remaining list of healing attempts is officially much shorter and will need far greater consideration. 

4.5 inches gone... not looking so thin

The other issue is that my hair is falling out.  Not shedding as my stylist was so sweet to call it.  It's flat out falling out. As she put it "you are lucky you had so stupid much hair".  She's right, but still.  This one is feeling like an Achilles heel to me.  It feels like the purest definition of my life right now.  Completely out of my control. As a woman, average at that, my hair is super important to me, I am having a very hard time with this.  It's over half gone. 

That is how the world feels right now.  Everything feels like a misstep waiting to happen.  Every minute feels like waiting for another shoe to drop.  Not even sure if they are shoes, maybe they are anvils. I am reaching a point of wanting/needing to runaway to hide, to be simply done. 

I feel like an emotional wreck, walking through life with tears burning in my eyes and praying no one else sees them fall. 

My family and a few super close dear friends are the only place I truly feel safe and protected from the world. My sweet Hubs reassuring me that the handfuls of hair that fall out each time my head is touched do not affect his view of me, holding me while I cry out of sheer frustration at the world that keeps spinning faster and faster out of control, he is my lifeline right now.  The core of my support system.  I am so blessed. 

I know on a very basic level that none of these things are earth shattering, things I haven't dealt with before (well except the hair). Thoughts and feelings that I haven't encountered and conquered before.  But they are truly things that I am questioning if I want to conquer again. Are they battles worth fighting? 

I mean what's the saying "if a door closes it's not meant for you, quit pounding on it".   Is that what I have been doing?  Have I spent 7 years pounding on a door that I should have let slam shut 7 years ago? Have I wasted time, energy, talent and joy?  Has this all been a wake up call?  

Or is it simply a shift? I've been crazy introspective as I have been working my way through this year.  Trying to find my path. The only place I feel okay is when I am creating.  I can lose myself in the magic, even if I'm having to tear it out, do my research and start again it does not make me stressed in a bad way.  It frees me.  It beckons me to a new place. 

I am excited by things coming up in the near future.  I am making the decision to spend quality time with those I love, with family, with friends.  I need to figure out how to create solid lines, that are not able to be blurred.  I need to make the important things, the most important things. The rest, need to become the supporting characters. 

I have rambled and bared my soul.  If we are close, yet I feel distant, please know that it isn't you.  I am on a journey that is making me question so much about myself.  There are very few that I am willing to allow in.  I have little sense of safety in the world I am currently inhabiting.  It is simply a space in time.  I know this.  I will be back.  I just need some time to retreat, to heal, to experience and explore this current space I am in. 

It's time to lose myself, so that I can find myself...

this journey...

Good Morning!  

Did anyone else wake up to a beautiful "fall-esque" morning? I sure did.  It seems we might be moving into the part of the year where I thrive.  I have to say, I need it. I have been silent here and other places because I am not in a good place.

I am working hard to get back there.  I am fairly sure it will require more changes than I have already made.  I am very sad at the world today.  I am struggling with the things I am seeing.  The sadness is almost overwhelming at times. 

Friday at work was hard.  I'm leaving it at that.  The events do not matter the result did.  I was up for many hours after I finally got home.  I was unable to sleep.  My stress level was higher than it has ever been.  The experience had a profound impact on me. 

Many times in my life, I have experienced these kind of events.  They are usually my tipping point.  The time when God is speaking the loudest to me, telling me to give it to him, that I needn't worry myself.  

After much prayer on Friday night, trying to navigate my feelings and emotions, overcome with tears out of a mixture of anxiety, fear (mostly of the kind of world we are creating), sadness and frustration, I finally felt semi-calm.  An hour of meditation allowed me to finally rest.  I have turned it over to God.  He will lead me through the next part of my journey. 

On my drive home Friday, I dropped the top of my sweet little bug and savored the beauty around me. The moon was divinely bright, with an almost golden hue - not silvery at all.  I could see Mars and Venus shining bolder and brighter than the stars that they dwarfed. I didn't turn on music, I simply drove in silence.  I think that is when the processing started.  

I've been too overwhelmed to write. In fact I have been almost incapable of putting together a sentence or thought for quite some time now.  I wasn't able to find solace in any of the things that usually bring me great joy.  I've been going through the motions.  Checking off boxes that show I am alive.  Sleep... we'll give that one a half check, waking... double check there, moving through the day... okay check.  You get the point.  

I am fairly sure that most of the planet is with me on this.  We are all dealing with and processing what we have endured at varying places and through varying actions. We all have to find our way. 

I took a week off, a few of those days I simply checked out of life.  I puttered, I created, I spent time with the my sweet pup.  Hubs was visiting his sister.  I was numb to life. 

I've been looking at life through a different lens for over a week now.  I guess that is what made Friday so profound. In the peace and tranquility, I started to realize all of the hurt, suffering, angst, and overwhelming need for grace all around me. I started to realize that globally we needed to heal, that we simply all need a bit more love, compassion, understanding and faith. 

I made my team some Yep's.  It was me being silly as that was the acronym for a new program we are starting tomorrow in an attempt to serve the people around us. I also wanted to see them smile. It worked. Yesterday as I was struggling still with the profound sadness and sense of loss that Friday left me with, I picked up the remaining yarn and a hook and sat listening to some podcasts and made 21 reusable water balloons for next years camp. The thread sliding through my fingers provided a stillness that was needed. 

I was feeling balanced, enjoying the cool breezes and rest.  

A few phone calls and emails later, the anger and angst returned. 

Again, after much time in prayer and meditation, I slept.  

The fact that I can say I slept is powerful.  That is two full nights of sleep.  It has been so very long since that was the norm.  For months on end I have slept fitfully, tossing, turning, waking, having horrible dreams and living a life filled with restlessness. 

This morning I woke up to the sun rising in the east and a pup anxious to go outside.  Normally, I wake up in the dark, jarred awake by nightmares.  It was so refreshing.  After walking outside, regretting my decision to not put on a sweatshirt, I felt energetic and alive. 

I spent an hour cooking Neeko's breakfast and working in my beautiful tree top garden. 

I snipped the marigold heads, remembering as a child Mom and Dad showing us how when they were teaching us how to grow things in our little garden plot.  I can't remember where it was, what we grew, or even if we grew things successfully.  I do remember snipping marigold flowers that had finished blooming, to prepare for the years yet to come. 

I will let them finish drying and then package them up.  Mom has been wanting marigolds for a few years now and never seems able to find them.  I will be sure to send her a package for her garden next year. 

Last weekend I made some pepper jellies from my garden, I will probably make a couple more today.  We love them and that way even in the dead of winter, we will be able to enjoy the flavors of summer.  I am hoping the ones I harvest today will have a bit more bite, the one's last weekend had to have help from some I purchased at the store, they were mild, with no bite. 

As I was snipping those flowers and caring for my precious veggies (even the carrots have decided to grow!), I felt an overwhelming need to write.  The words kept coming together in my head.  My desire to tidy my kitchen and work on things I needed to get done was pushed violently aside by the words rushing around in my head, looking for a way out. 

I'm still deeply saddened by the world we are living in.  I cannot comprehend some of the absolute vileness that I am witnessing.  I don't know that I am in the right place at the right time.  I am feeling more strongly every day that I am not.  Yet I have faith that the Lord will put me where I am supposed to be. 

I am a firm believer that if something feels wrong to your heart and soul, it is not for you.  I am wondering if that is where I am now.  I guess time is going to tell.  

Thank you for being here for me.