slower days lately...

You can tell we've passed the summer equinox, I was just out in the garden peaking around to see what might be ready for harvest and it occurred to me that it was still very dark out there. We've started the slide back into the cooler months, the "bers"... frankly I can't wait.  Although I do dislike the darkness in the morning.  

Although you would be hard pressed to convince me that it is just the beginning of August by the wonderful temperatures we've had for two days.  After spending a few weeks in Hell's furnace, I will not only take this unexpected cool down, I will celebrate it! Temps in the sixty's and low seventy's.  Oh yes!  It is well established that I am not a hot weather person.  I love the gardens, I despise the heat. I am not foolish enough to believe that summer has kissed us goodbye.  It will be back twice as strong for many encores.  I am sure of it. 

Yesterday when I woke up, my watch buzzed.  I figured it was just the daily updates, but nope.  Evidently, my fitness watch needed to wish me "Happy Birthday Month".  I can't lie, it made me laugh and set my day off to an amazing start.  I don't celebrate birthday month, but it sure made me smile.  I guess I should be a bit disturbed that my watch is wishing me happy birthday, it's humorous just the same. I mean I definitely still have a few days before I cross that 61 mark.

I've been dancing in the kind of funk lately.  Slightly terrified that all the tick bites earlier in the season have caused a flare up from the Lyme that lives forever in my body or triggered that fibromyalsia that I refuse to acknowledge it came as part of the package deal with the Lyme. I'm willing whatever it is away.  It's not terrible, maybe it's just a seasonal blah... I get those, don't we all.  A point where we just opt out of most things and need rest?  I'm sure it is a deep paranoia, the Lyme was a very dark season in my life, unexpected muscle and headaches and being extra tired are like an immediate red flag.  The fear sets in quickly, very quickly. 

Those darn ticks have definitely stopped our mountain/countryside hikes, they've seemed to not care how much tick spray you apply, they are impervious. Finding so many of those tiny blood suckers was enough to slow me down.  

I will welcome the first freeze, the break in their life cycle. I can't wait to start daily hikes once again. 

In the meantime, I have managed to semi-participate in life.  The lack of energy and or desire to do much has been messing with my spirit.  I look around at everything I either want or need to do, the list is growing.  The energy has been lacking.  It's okay, it's just a season, but it's definitely a slow moving one. 

I finished Hubs' sweater.  I am beyond in love with it.  I tried it on, as he was at work and someone had to do it.  I am fairly certain I will be knitting another one of those before the year is over.  I didn't start it right away, I have the yarn, but I wanted something a bit more portable for my upcoming trip.  Instead, I grabbed a bag I'd tucked away a few years ago... okay probably 8 or 9 years ago, I figure if it's still in the single digits it hasn't been abandoned.  I had already decided whatever was living in that bag, patiently waiting for my attention to return, was going to be completed.  I was happily surprised to find a beautiful yarn that I had long since decided was going to be used for a pair of socks.  I am almost finished with the first one and am I am quickly realizing I will have more than enough yarn to make several pair if I decide to do so. 

As usual my brain is always planning new projects as I work, so needless to say, I have already planned my next project.  I found a beautiful cardigan pattern that combines knit and crochet. Hubs had asked me what I wanted for my birthday, it's coming up ya know, and I told him I wanted something useful. Well, he agreed that I should buy the yarn and pattern to make it.  I've ordered a beautiful brick colored Peruvian wool.  I can't wait to start it. I can't wait for it to arrive and I can show it to you!

I have several quilts I should be working on too.  Like I said, I'm struggling with energy and motivation for much this summer.  I guess it's a season of rest this year, and I am trying to lean into it.  It's hard.  But I feel there is always a reason for things when they occur. 

This is going to be disjointed, sweet Hubs was watching a travel show, I mentioned that I wished they'd choose Crete when they did those shows.  I lived there from 1976 - 1978, I clearly remember it, one of my favorite places in the world.  But none of the PBS specials ever goes there to explore the wonders that I remember so clearly. He decided to search YouTube for Crete.  For a few moments I got to experience today's Crete, so beautiful, a bit too modern and commercial for me. Yet the beauty remains.  What a beautiful distraction.

I guess, I should stop writing.  

I started a batch of yogurt before I started.  The sky is getting lighter and we want to get a walk in with our pups this morning. I am determined to accomplish at least a few productive things today.  My actual to do list (not the want to do list) is long, and my upcoming trip is going to get here way quicker than I realized. I have to prepare for Hubs and the pups to have a successful 8 days while I'm away. Yes they are very spoiled, all three.  I take my role as the family caregiver very seriously. 

Well... I guess I need to get back to life.  Celebrate the gifts, even if it's just an unexpected streak of cool days.

much love, 

b

oh my Belle...

What an incredibly short night.  I'm struggling this morning, my eyes are heavy and my motivation is completely lacking.  I was so tired all day yesterday and looking forward to curling up in bed as the sun started sinking into the horizon.  

I should have guessed the puppies were up to something, when the smell of dinner cooking didn't have them under my feet.  I'd looked outside and the motion lights were not on, so I mistakenly assumed they were upstairs in bed already.  They had already had their dinner, maybe they were just tired, and they are both semi-afraid of being outside in the dark although they are becoming braver. 

Just as I am putting away the dishes from dinner, I hear a bark.  Just one.  It's dark and I'm sure the neighbors aren't going to appreciate it, so I go outside to correct Belle, it was her bark. Instead of them barking at the fence I see them down by the shed in the dark and her very posture tells me she has something cornered.  That and the fact that my big strong marshmallow of a guy is cautiously bouncing back and forth trying to find his courage. 

I called them in... nope, wasn't happening.  Trying to see in the dark wasn't working and I really didn't want to take my eyes off them to go and get a flashlight and to manually trigger the motion lights.  I finally did anyhow, as my distracting them had gotten them to move away. 

nothing is slowing this girl down

Didn't see anything, finally coaxed them inside and shut the door.  No more outside time for them last night.  And they both desperately wanted back out.  It wasn't until Belle lifted her head from the water bowl that I realized I might have an issue.  There on her nose, spaced less than half an inch apart were two beads of blood.  Cleaning it up I realized it was far more clear than blood, but the little terror had found herself a snake. 

I have never in my life dealt with a snake bite, the only thing fairly comforting to me was the fact that I have never seen a venomous one near our home, at all.  Mostly your typical black, brown or garden varieties.  We have on occasion been terrified by a fairly large black rat snake, it's the one that climbed our siding to eat the baby bird over the light. So I could sort of take a breath. 

Until I asked Hubs what to do, honestly there are many times I assume that he has encountered everything and would have a ready answer.  I was not prepared for the "I have no idea what to do, better google it".  What?! That was not the answer I needed at that moment.  Especially as she immediately threw up her water and was standing there looking at me like what is going on?

trying to get the ball, hours before 
the snake incident

A quick call to the emergency vet calmed and terrified me all in one moment.  First she says she wouldn't worry, what to watch for and when to call them back.  That if it was going to be a problem I should know within 30 minutes to an hour.  Assuring me that dogs react differently to snake bites than humans do and then "if she has a reaction you will need to bring her in, you should have time they don't pass away immediately".... WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!

Keep her calm and watch her.  Again... what???  Of course it is the hyper puppy, not the laid back chill puppy.  I could barely keep her from playing, even after major abdominal surgery. But okay... 

see mom I've got my ball...
I'm fine.... geez

As the minutes ticked slowly by, my stress was heading downward, she was acting just like her normal self and the only visible sign was a slight bump on the side that had bled the most.  Her gums stayed their normal bright pink, she acted just like herself and best of all no swelling. 

I know, I probably didn't need to worry.  But I am that person, so worry I did.  My dear friend talked on the phone with me for a few more hours while I cautiously watched her, checking on her, disrupting her rest, trying to convince myself that what I knew in my heart was true, she would be just fine.  Ugghhh that is hard to do, heck, I still worry non-stop about my very grown children.  Even though I know they are out there living their best lives.

no fear...

can't stop moving...

After about 4 hours of that nonsense my body took complete control, told my brain to shut up and forced me to go to sleep.  Luckily she decided last night was a good night to need to sleep by mom's head, Dad had given up on all of my shenanigans and gone to sleep in the guest bedroom (don't blame him at all). Every movement brought my eyes open and my hand to rest against her chest, assuring myself that she was okay. 

Somewhere around 3 am I finally must have fallen asleep, only to be awakened around 3:30 am by a happy bouncing Belle bringing me her toy and letting me know it was time to wake up and love on her, our usual routine.  For a small dog she is powerful and jumping on mom is a favorite thing.  They both decided that mom could sleep a bit longer, but after a restless night even 7 am was not a refuge. 

She's fine.  She ate a big breakfast, Hubs let them do their usual front yard potty break in the wee hours of the morning (he's the reason they wake up at unholy hours of the night - he does too), she's played and been her usual self.  The only thing unusual was that I actually got her to lie down in my lap and accept loving for 10 whole minutes without jumping down a dozen times.  Couldn't get a picture of that miracle, was far too busy enjoying the wonder of it. 

Neither Belle nor Beau are willing to leave the deck this morning, looking longingly at the toys that they've dropped down the stairs.  I guess I will need to take them both down and encourage them to explore again.  

I'm thankful she is okay.  I'm concerned that a snake was dumb enough to hang out in my yard, my babies are always running around out there, maybe it was just passing through.  Hubs assures me that she will never try to catch another snake, I have my doubts.  She is the most bull headed puppy I've ever known.  She and Beau almost had a box turtle this weekend, he was willing to walk away much sooner than she was.  She's tried to catch several toads now, including a huge one on Saturday.  For being a super smart puppy, I think she allows her brain to go on vacation when she sees prey.  Moths, butterflies, bees, squirrels, toads, turtles and now snakes... oh my....

chasing butterflies...

It's gonna be a rough day.  I am so very weary.  So are they.  Thankfully... my little sweet girl is okay, I would be crushed to lose either of them young. I want them to live their full lives and only then will I be able to emotionally deal with their losses.  I know this about myself.... 

love and prayers...

that is the question...

Yesterday's mini-tantrum is over.  I have found the best way for me to not feel overwhelmed is to simply get busy.  And busy I was, for the most part.  I also had some snuggle time with my baby boy to make up on and he made sure he got every minute he felt he was entitled to.  I guess he filled his snuggle bucket because he is now laying on the floor, not on me, chewing on one of their chew toys, quite content. Well, he was, until his sister sat up ripped it away and basically threw it, before returning to her bone.  She is a feisty one. 

Hubs and I got up early so we had time in the garden before the heat moved in.  I have never been a fan of mid-west heat/humidity.  This year is no exception.  But if you plan your day well, it is easy to work around. We watered the grass and all the gardens before the sun burst over the horizon, sat amongst the plants with our coffee and chatted while I gathered today's harvest.  

I love when mornings start like that.  I don't need my mornings to start off with the news, that's for sure. Why bother?  It isn't factual information and it's always doom and gloom and pushing us further and further into a sense of fear and hopelessness. I'm really getting worn out with all the news and articles about how it is so unbelievably hot, this is a "once in a lifetime" occurrence, etc. That's what they say when a bit of snow falls... guess what, I have pictures sent to me by my family of more snow falling here than I have ever seen from 1983, their car was completely buried.  Well, that was just a minute ago and I've now lived here almost 20 years straight and we barely get snow, and when we do, they make it into a big crisis.  Guess what, it's called weather and snow, sun, rain they happen. 

I know for a fact that it's been this hot many years in a row.  It's July in the mid-west, this is sadly normal.  Drink some extra water, expect your grass to turn brown and your leaves to fall.  It happens every year.  What doesn't happen every year is the rising rates on everything.  Causing folks to turn their a/c up, not being able to water the crops and farm animals, etc. 

I'm tired of folks not paying attention.  Really tired of it.  Stop being led by the nose and open your eyes and your own memory please!  For over two years it has been a solid exercise in manipulation and surprise, based on the number of masks I saw at the grocery yesterday - it's working fabulously on some of you. 

None of us are weak minded, not a single one.  It's just a matter of how much are you willing to be convinced of something.  It's like when you go to a hypnotist, some people simply can't be hypnotized and some... well humor can be had at their expense. 

I read several articles that the "president" (yeah, don't go there) may announce a climate emergency, for everyone clamoring for that to happen I sure hope you do a bit of homework about what that could lead to.  Did you learn anything from two weeks to flatten the curve?  Have you figured out yet that statistics can be manipulated to fit whatever story you want them to?  Do you understand the power that will give a very unscrupulous group, that have already proven they don't give a crap about us or this country?

but why? that is the question...

The issues facing our farmers are due to the restriction of supplies, i.e. fertilizers, feed, water (you think they are rationing now?). The weather didn't cause any of that, supplies are being limited intentionally.  Think toilet paper, do you really think the American people bought that much toilet paper?  Remarkable how much of it suddenly reappeared a few months later.  Now stores are bulging at the seams with the stuff. Limiting supplies and non-stop news stories created that panic. They are doing the same thing now. 

I personally have never wanted to live in a country that is controlled by politicians and power hungry thieves. I have lived in socialist countries before and can honestly state, not impressed.  Communist countries have never even remotely been on my list. Yet, I fear that is where we are headed.  Because it appears that we have become complacent and easily manipulated.  We believe what is being force fed to us, instead of what we see with our own eyes. It's so very sad.  We are being destroyed and yet many just go along with the narratives presented.  Blind to what they know is truth. 

Yesterday, I saw a news article with a couple of congress women being "led" away from a protest.  Both of them pretended to have their hands cuffed behind their backs as they were led away.  Strange how those handcuffs work, because I watched both of them raise a fist in solidarity with their fellow protesters and then lower their arms to appear handcuffed again.  I've never been handcuffed, but I am fairly certain that is a physical impossibility.  So why the game?  Why try to appear handcuffed?  What was the value in the lie.  

I don't like lies.  I struggle hard with liars, in fact in my world it is one of the worst things a person can do.  Maybe that is why I am struggling hard with everything that is going on, it sends my b.s. meter off the charts. Don't lie, don't deceive, don't manipulate.  None of these things works for me, and yet watching folks it appears many are easily swayed. 

If you really want to understand what is going on with our weather, look at the past, it always proves the future, it's cyclical. It's happened before, it will happen again.  I'd worry more about the freedoms we are giving up to a false story.  There is bad stuff happening, but I don't believe our precious earth is the cause. Neither is the sun (despite the tales you are being told) we are in a solar minimum and have been for several years already, it won't end until 2030 (isn't that ironic). This means less sunspots and solar flares, although if you listen to the news there is a new solar flare getting ready to hit the earth almost daily.  But hey, people don't take the time to do any sort of research anymore, so I'm not surprised that they are believing the rhetoric. 

I'm going to keep questioning everything, I'm going to keep looking for real answers not manufactured for the moment ones.  I am going to keep taking care of my family and being the best I can be. I don't know what your plans are, I have no idea if you believe the fairy tales being told.  But... 

If I offended you, sorry.  Seems folks spend way too much time in their feelings these days.  I'm not there any longer.  

love and prayers... it's all we have left...

sometimes...

Brrrr... it is so cold today that being out in the snow is absolutely no fun!  I should throw on my boots and coat and go shovel the walk and driveway one more time while Hubs is at work.  But truthfully, I don't want to be that cold.  Sitting in front of my fire with my Pups is far more enjoyable.  And this from a woman that loves snow. 

I am far more concerned with my family that lives further south.  At least snowplows and salt trucks are sort of running up here - evidently the staffing shortages have extended to the road crews also. They have ice coating the roads down there and people are not used to it.  I'm hoping they all stay safe. 

Hubs just called to update me on the roads here.  Maybe I am not showing enough grace, but the snow stopped falling almost fifteen hours ago, I understand not salting when you thought it would be washed away in the rain.  Not so much understanding the absolute minimum effort applied since then. Our subdivision has only had the single run through.  No salting, no return trips, just the single pass.  Normally when there are storms I can hear the plows non-stop, we live not too far from a major roadway. It has been eerily silent for two full days.  The snowplow that finally came through the subdivision was definitely not a city owned unit. At this point I am questioning the extreme amount of taxes that I pay.  I understand the roads are a bit hazardous, but if that is your job, well, shouldn't you be the one out there clearing them?

We got news last night that our trash run will not happen this week, so I picked a rotten time to finally clean out the garage. Since living here this is the first time snow has cancelled mail, trash, road service... geez.  And no I am not saying people should be in danger, but a bit of warning would be good to have. Something somewhere, and if you say in your own Facebook posting that you will call and update, well then maybe that should happen?  They would have no issue contacting me if I decided not to pay my taxes or trash bill... 

Just for the record, I don't want anyone going out for convenience sake, but I also believe that if it is the job you signed up to do, then do it. With roadways not cleared emergency vehicles cannot get to the injured or sick or dying.  I shoveled our walk and a large chunk of the driveway before we got smart and borrowed our neighbors snowblower, it was easy to move, even the ice was coming up in sheets. So I am simply not understanding. Okay, stepping off my soap box now.  

I am trying to decide if I want to lounge in front of the fire and knit or go into the kitchen and make a batch of soap while they are sleeping.  I think I need a battery for my scale, so that might make the decision for me. Although I am really feeling drawn to making soap.  Who knows maybe I will just clean out my soaping closet and organize all of it and make a list of planned soaps.  I also keep looking at my spinning wheel, it feels neglected.  Ugghhh, I have too many wonderful hobbies...

I'm feeling a touch restless today, not enough that I want to go anywhere, unless it were to Arkansas to finally see my great nephew (although I am sure that will be a bit) not going until invited.  Mom and Dad have enough on their hearts and minds working through bringing him home and the weather and getting the rest of the family home.  Whew, just thinking about it makes me feel overwhelmed and frazzled.

I hate feeling restless.  I feel like I should be doing something with my time, but my muscles are still complaining about all the snow I shoveled yesterday.  Hubs has injured his shoulder and cannot lift without a great deal of pain - doc thinks it's the rotator cuff... yuck - so I am trying to pick up the slack.  When you haven't really done much by way of manual labor in months your body revolts and complains. I think that is where my restlessness is stemming from.  I want to do my stuff, but just the thought feels like a lot. 

Lazy and whiny, yep that is me today.  Maybe I should be joining my sweet pups on their morning nap?  Nah... I'm not tired.  Well, I guess I should figure the day out!

Stay warm and safe everyone... love and peace...

no rest...

So very tired... Already 9 hours into this day, I am not so sure I will be up for another 9 hours, or heck even 7 at this point in time feels excessive.  The Pups went to sleep at 7 pm last night, momma was not that smart and didn't.  So when the wildebeests called at 3 am, it was a super short night, not for them, but for momma.  

Add to that like the unintelligent person that I am, after freezing to walk them, I didn't go back to sleep when they did, I started working on a special project.  I'm bouncing between naps trying to get the project finished.  I think I only need one more nap or Dad to come home and entertain babies to be able to finish it today, I'm crazy excited about it. Sitting in my sewing room creating is one of my happy places. 

The babies are definitely figuring out that they love their humans to spend lots of quality time playing with them.  They make me laugh, they each have their own toys, but just like babies want the same exact ones, doesn't matter that theirs is the exact same one.  I have spent several hours sitting on the floor with puppies laying over my legs gnawing on their teething bones.  Every so often one will roll over and give me their belly to rub, even my little girl is getting used to that.  Guess she's decided dominance isn't the only thing she has going for her. 

Yesterday we went for several walks, they loved it.  Today, it's so cold that none of us wants to wander out for long.  The wind is blowing something crazy also.  It's strange and lovely at the same time.  My wind-chimes are playing beautiful music.  The kind that soothes the soul, the trees out back are dancing like crazy and everything is sparkling in the sunshine. We don't often get winds as strong as the past two days though, so it's odd. 

As tired as I am, today was probably not the ideal day for my new laptop to come in, I knew I wouldn't have the patience to wait for a better day.  For the first time in close to a decade I purchased a true laptop, needed it for my Cricut, I have used a Chromebook forever in my personal life.  I don't believe I have ever made it a secret that I despise new technology.  I don't have the patience to deal with it, I like the tried and true, I want simple.  Again, I am simply not using my head today and sure enough I set that thing up.  I am struggling to adjust to the keyboard, can't find a darn thing, and well... not having fun.  I set it aside, Hubs can do whatever with it when he gets home.  That's his thing, not mine. Yes I totally want to play with my Cricut, no I don't want to set up a new computer.  YUCK!

My babies are asleep on the sofa again, so I am going to shift them to their kennels and go work on my special project again.  I can't wait to see it completed. When Dad get's home we are going to take our week 4 picture, although I can't really hold both of the babies at the same time now.  They are simply too big. Soon I am not sure I will be able to hold them at all.  They might be a tad bigger than we thought, his feet are getting awfully big and her legs are getting longer by the day. It cracks me up, definitely not identical twins, but definitely siblings. 

love and peace... 

power of a moment...

Anyone else have a rough night of sleep or lack thereof?  I sure did.  Sleep seemed to want to escape me all night long. Didn't get to sleep until well after 10 pm, which for me is the middle of the night. And then I was awake literally almost every hour.  I finally gave up and stayed awake at 4:30 am, I didn't get out of bed, I was still hopeful, but dang... what a long restless night. 

I feel like I have been rushing and frazzled since opening my eyes.  Hubs was up at 3:30 am as usual, so it was the middle of his morning when I finally came downstairs and he was ready for his breakfast.  I just wanted coffee.  I've been dealing with a mild, nagging headache for a while now, I know it's related to the season change (happens every season change), but that combined with a sleepless night has left me a touch on the fussy side. 

I needed Hubs help to load the quilt on the longarm so I had to get with it earlier than I was ready.  He's off to work, my coffee is cold, but I need to stop and reset before I start quilting.  I deeply appreciated the help, I just wasn't ready to human yet. Not sure I am ready yet. 

The best part of the morning was the sunrise that I almost missed.  My photo's don't even remotely do justice to the deep vibrant orange red that filled the entire sky this morning.  It was breathtaking the way it highlighted the brilliant colors of the leaves without even a splash of blue showing.  It was a blessing that I am focusing on as I get ready to move forward with my day.  I am definitely a chaser of sunrises as we all know. 

I didn't manage to get all of my work done yesterday.  The gardens are still in dire need of attention, and a few other minor things didn't get addressed.  I got busy with other things on my list, they took longer than I planned.  It's all good. Our afternoon walk along the river was so beautiful to look at, but the gnats were very annoying and led us to decide to not walk there until it is far colder. 

As I stopped to reload my day, to reset my expectations and where I wanted this day to go I have calmed deep inside.  The headache is still lingering, but the heart is in the right place. I browsed the book for a few minutes.  Looking to see if there are any new recipes that I definitely want to try, pictures of family and friends or inspiring ideas.  I manage my newsfeed pretty intensely and only allow things that are going to lift me up and add to my life.  Today was a small gold mine of positive life enhancing goodies. 

My favorite was a post by a friend, I barely know her outside of the book, I used to see her a long time ago at one of my old Y's, but its been years.  Anyhow, she shared an idea that I am absolutely in love with!  She asked for Christmas cards from her friends for Christmas this year, but not just any old card... a card that contains your favorite recipe.  I love this idea.  I love it more when I think about the connecting of community that it brings.  I love the idea of receiving a handwritten recipe card from all of my family and friends.  I will be buying a stack of index cards and starting to write mine out. 

For Christmas I would like Christmas cards. I want your favorite recipe written inside the card. Even if we hardly talk. Message me for my address if you don't have it. I would gladly send you one also if you would like! How nice it would be to have my mailbox flooded with Christmas cards. I'd love to have the recipe on an index card so I can add it to my recipe box. Oh and make sure you sign it please.

Love this idea! Stolen from a friend.

What a treasure.  Stop for a moment and think about it.  It gives you greater insight into the things that person likes, it could be an heirloom recipe that Gramma made a lifetime ago, or you might find a new favorite of your own.  These are time tested recipes.  I remember long ago when you graduated, got a home or got married you would get recipes from your family.  Somehow that quaint little tradition has died away.  Probably about the time that dining out became the norm, not the special occasion event that it used to be.

I am diving deeper and deeper into sustainability, into being able to walk your own walk, and not worrying about things on that superficial level that led to the panic toilet paper buying last year.  And this idea fits right in with the way my brain and heart are heading. 

I want to be part of a stronger community.  I want to have the connections and the depth of relationships that will enable all of us to weather any storm or calmness that comes our way.  I want to know the people that are integral in my life on a deep enough level that I know what they like to eat, drink, do in their spare time.  I want to know how we can support and lift one another up. 

It's silly how a small idea like has flipped my day.  Has me looking forward to writing all of the recipes out and starting on my Christmas card list.  I have no idea what a stamp costs the days.  I have a bunch of forever stamps in the house currently, heck I even have boxes of cards as I often buy them with the intention of sending them out and then life would get in the way and... boom no cards sent, idea put aside for the following year. 

I am adding it to my calendar for the week of Thanksgiving. When I plan to put up my tree this year and start getting boxes ready to mail full of gifts.  My youngest lives on the coast, and frankly the mail has me a touch concerned. 

I can't wait to see the next brilliant idea that will bring us all closer together.  Forever ago a dear friend wrote in one of my year books... if distance were measured in smiles, not miles all the friends would be together in this world... This was years before computers and even more years before email, instant messaging or social media.  I'm not sure if that friend was able to see the future or just a bigger optimist than I am.  But how prophetic can you get.  Miles don't really separate us any longer, we are able to talk, see and communicate on a moment's notice.  The weeks of waiting for a letter and then weeks more waiting for them to get yours and reply are things of the long forgotten past. 

Well... Hubs put on some old country music for me, the quilt is loaded, my calm is back it's time to get busy.  Time to get lost in the rhythm of sewing and daydreaming what recipes I am going to share with the people that mean the most to me!

peace and love my friends...  

weary...

I'm tired.  Simply tired.  Not physically, emotionally.  I'm tired of this phase our world is going through.  A phase where love and grace seem to be foreign words and feelings.  A phase where bullying is okay, were little to no thought is being given to the path others are walking before speaking our words and minds. 

It must be exhausting to live a perfect life.  One that has never been touched by anything painful or negative.  To be blessed with all of the answers and the perfect responses to everything. 

And it seems to be pervasive.  Every bit of life is overly full of negativity and hurtful behaviors. People that are full of would, should's and could's without a thought about the pain it is bringing another. 

I follow a couple of food blogs on Facebook, and I am stunned at the comments that show up daily, sometimes hourly.  These are simply people sharing recipes, trying to help others along a path to greater health.  If you aren't interested or it doesn't work for you, walk away. There is no reason to attack and write hateful comments.  Those are people writing and sharing, doing it out of the goodness of their hearts - but by all means - speak your hurtful truth if it makes you feel better.  So you didn't like it, okay.  I've made recipes that ended up being the opossums dinner, I never felt the need to go on the attack. 

It seems like every Facebook post, Nextdoor post, tweet or, well you get the picture, there is someone ready to jump in and be a keyboard bully.  Is your life so miserable, are you so afraid, are you so unable to reason through what was written that your first reaction needs to be an attack?  We've lost the ability to have a decent human conversation.  I remember a time when if you didn't agree, you could speak your mind respectfully, have a conversation of pros/cons and move on.  Still treating one another kindly and with compassion. 

Sort of like: 

>> I love cauliflower, it is so versatile and nutritious.

>>> I am not a fan, the mouthfeel is disturbing to me, I prefer to avoid it. 

>> hmmm... I can see where you would feel that way, can I offer you something else. 

And then dinner moves on.  Today it will evolve quickly into personal attacks and hatred. And yes I understand that example was a bit simplistic, but that was entirely my point. 

We are becoming a society afraid to speak our truth (no matter what it is) out of fear of what will come out of it. Is the person I am talking to going to lose their minds?  Are they going to be disrespectful?  Will they value my feelings as I am attempting to value theirs? Will my thoughts and feelings be disregarded because I am not walking in lockstep with their thoughts and feelings?

I truly am exhausted.  

I have several people that I love that are climbing personal mountains, ya know the Mount Everest type.  Life is throwing boulders at them, and solutions are few and far between. I don't have answers for any of them.  I have never walked in their shoes or carried the burdens that they are being asked to carry. All I know is that they are doing their damn best to hold it together and carry on.

Heck, I have friends that are battling things that I personally have battled.  I have walked in similar shoes, I have carried those boulders.  But the truth of the matter is that each and everyone of us is on a very personal journey through this crazy thing called life. Just because I have had a similar struggle through an illness that is the same, I have not walked in their shoes.  

I can only offer support, grace, a safe place to unload the baggage that they are carrying and pray with them.  Focus on them when I meditate and do everything I can to elevate their energy to make the journey a bit lighter.

Sure, I might share things that worked for me in a similar situation, if asked - but it will be more along the lines of a question, have you tried this or that? What research have you done?  What have you tried? And I will always offer to send them crystals... because in my world crystals make everything better. 

When I hear of someone being ugly, it breaks my heart. It's even more painful when they acknowledge that they are going to be ugly and you simply need to listen anyhow. 

I'm so very tired of ugly. 

Our entire world is hurting right now, for a myriad of different reasons.  And your truth is no more true than mine or the next person's.  We each have different things we are here to learn, different lessons and growth opportunities. 

I firmly believe that until we have slightly dipped our toe into someone else's pool, we cannot understand even on a surface level the feelings they are dealing with. Yet when we listen with compassion with the intent to understand, magic happens. 

I remember a long time ago, I struggled with speech.  The stress of my life at the time, the burden to try and hold it together caused a lot of problems.  I was incredibly hard to understand, my stupid tongue did not want to work, it felt frozen. I remember having tears burn in my eyes, willing them not to fall, when people couldn't understand me.  When I struggled to even order a cup of coffee.  I remember refusing to be in a situation where I had to speak, shoot I even told sweet Hubs that I wouldn't talk to him on the phone because he wouldn't understand me (FYI I did, he didn't - before we got married).  I remember my sweet 10 year old (at the time) son, losing his temper and telling off the cashier when she scolded me for failing to learn English when I came to this country.  Umm... I am definitely American born - wanna see my birth certificate?

I was tired and we'd been traveling a long time, I simply wanted a cup of fresh coffee to help me through the remaining 4 hours of our drive. Because she couldn't understand me, her assumptions roared to the forefront.  My sweet boy, stood as tall as he could and corrected her rather sharply.  Normally, I would have scolded him for being disrespectful to an adult.  Given that adult was acting like a two year old, I let it ride, I was so proud of him for stepping up like that. For protecting me, but in a greater way for protecting someone unable to "speak up" for themselves.  We went across the street to gas up and get coffee, without incident.  But that moment was burned into my brain. 

Many hours of speaking to myself in a mirror, practicing and failing repeatedly led me to be able to speak properly again.  That was a long year and a half.  I used to stand at home alone in the bathroom with tears in my eyes and heart, fearful that I wouldn't recover.  Determined to prove myself wrong.  I will never forget the first time I could pronounce my own name again.  The joy was and still is indescribable.  I danced around my house repeating my name over and over again.  I had conquered that demon. 

The reason I bring it up, is because during that time I dealt with a lot of hurt and contempt from other humans. I saw first hand how horrible and without compassion many could be.  It helped me to look at the other side of each coin.  I could decide that time in my life was a curse, instead, I choose to celebrate the lessons that not only I learned, but also my sweet son. 

Fast forward twenty years... and here I am learning another lesson.  Another opportunity for grace and compassion.  Walking and standing are still a bit of a struggle for me, oh who am I kidding... they are a huge struggle.  I want to believe that I am superwoman, but the reality is the act of shopping for groceries or going to a large store can be so exhausting for me. How many times have I been frustrated with someone struggling and slowing me down in the past?  I'm ashamed to even think about it. 

I don't like to use the motorized shopping carts, I feel I should leave them for someone that truly needs them.  I will admit when I need one and there are none available for use it is super frustrating and emotionally defeating.  One thing I have noted, and I am sharing with every store manager that will listen, is that maybe if they strategically placed some seats or benches throughout the store it would be an amazing customer service. Just a spot to rest for a moment, to give a person a chance to regain their own strength. How many of those people that used to frustrate me, simply want to be strong and independent?  They don't want to be weak or ill. And definitely do not want to lean on anyone else. I have experienced this first hand now, I get it. 

I am not going to say I have loved these lessons, but I am so grateful to recognize them for what they are and to hopefully take away the things I need to learn from them. 

Grace, compassion, understanding.  These things are becoming far too rare as we move through this phase.  It's so much easier to be harsh, to act like a dictator, a know it all.  To assume that we have all the answers because our lives are going to terrific.  

Are they?  Have you truly learned every lesson?  Is your life, your home, your career, your family going so wonderful that you are the expert in life?  Is your mental state so strong that you never question anything? 

Is it really going to cost you so much to simply be there? I know so many right now that are too busy, too wrapped up in themselves to simply be there for someone in need.  It doesn't matter if it makes you personally uncomfortable. It doesn't matter if you have other plans and want to do fun stuff.  Sometimes you simply participate.  You are there. Who gives a rats...  if it isn't your cup of tea.  Stop living in your selfish world and think about what your action means to another. 

We've all been in that place where we listen to the same story over and over, where we do the same routine for someone because we know it is what they need.  I challenge each of you to look at where you are, who you talk to, what kind of vibe are you giving out.  Is it truly going to hurt anyone to simply be there?  No questions, no judgment, no ugly... just be there. 

None of us are on the same journey, each of us has things that others can never understand.  Each of us has to get to the point that we remember some of the manners we were brought up with.  Not every thought that crosses our minds needs to spill out of our mouths or keyboards.  Each of us could do a bit more of simply being there for others, whether it is comfortable or something we want to do or not. 

I am incredibly grateful for the friends and family that have been in constant contact with me during this current part of my journey, where I was not able to really return those gifts.  The friends that came and sat with me, just because.  That came to my home without any expectations and made my load a bit lighter. The those that cheered on my journey, encouraging me and lifting me up.  My sweet Hubs by my side. There were times that random text or smile made all of the difference in the world to me.

For my friends and family that have boulders falling non-stop right now.  I need you to know that I am here.  I don't have answers.  I won't pretend I do.  I am willing to do whatever I can to help lighten your load. I am even willing to take a few of those boulders for you if I can.  I will listen.  I will brainstorm with you.  I will create and hold space for you. 

For those of you that feel you are perfect... well... perfect on... but please stop hurting those of us that realize we don't have the answers, life didn't come with an instruction book and we are all doing the best we can.  And please for the love of God, remember that in order to receive compassion and grace, you have to give compassion and grace.  Because what you give out into the world will truly come back to you magnified. 

peace and love... 

distraction...

Slowly I am starting to sleep later, it was after 4 am when I decided to get up today. Progress is progress right? It's crazy how much or how little sleep the body seems to require based on your emotional and mental state. Friday I shut off my alarms, convinced that I would begin sleeping as late as I physically needed.  I was sure it would be a while before I saw a sunrise again.  

As I was waking sweet Hubs was still sleeping, such a strange switch.  I'm sure he was over the top exhausted.  He spent two full days doing some serious manual labor.  He's moving super slow.  I know how he is, and even though I ask him to remember that he's just turned 69, his mind is telling him he's 30 at the oldest.  He is tough, he will get the job done regardless, and he will spend days asking me why I didn't remind him to let those young guys earn their stripes.  

Today has been so different than yesterday.  Today was the final injection in my knees.  The beginning of two weeks before I know if the injections worked.  I'm not feeling optimistic, I'm trying to be positive. I committed to all three, the first two haven't made any difference,  I am tired of basing my life and plans on my stupid knees.  I am not enjoying the anxiety connected to all of this. 

Today is make or break it for six long months if it doesn't work.  Six months is a ridiculous amount of time to be in pain, to be afraid of falling when your knees buckle, to have to decide what in life is most important. It's simply a long time.  I am trying to be a serious bucket half full person and believe that I am going to be that rare person that gets 18 months of relief. The first cortisone shots did that. I guess we will see. 

I'm not feeling so great this afternoon.  These two injections stung like he was putting in fire.  And almost instantly I felt ill to my stomach.  My legs didn't feel like my own as I walked back down to the truck. And my head is absolutely throbbing.  I hope it is simply fear.  This one was tough for me.  It didn't calm me much when the doc asked me how I was doing and I tried to put a positive spin on it.  I hated saying they are not any better than when we started, so I followed it with "I'm hoping this next one works" - and his response was "me too".  

Wait a minute... you're the doctor... shouldn't you be a lot more positive than the lay person that you are getting ready to sink long needles into?  Maybe that is what caught me off guard and distracted me from the deep cleansing breaths I usually take.  Or maybe it was just the uncertainty echo'd mine too clearly. 

Twenty-six hours ago I'd just gotten home from hanging out with my girl.  No Hubs, no kids, just us!  Neither of us could remember the last time that happened. We had lunch together, talked about everything and nothing all at once.  We wandered one of our favorite stores for hours and ended up spending too much money on stuff that made us smile. It was so incredible.  

I'd spent this morning distracting myself.  When Hubs headed to his office, I headed to my sewing room.  I've been promising him that house robe forever.  Took me around 6 hours, but he is now the proud owner of a lightweight summer robe covered in the eagles and flags that he loves so much.  The sound of the sewing machine, the rhythmic hum as the stitches created something useful was therapeutic. 

It calmed me and distracted me all morning and the few hours after I got home.  I tried to simply sit, I couldn't.  My mind kept wandering to places I didn't want it to go.  I'm not even 56, I do not want the only alternative to be surgery or pain. Too many other things are changing, I need this to work.  I need the pain to go away.  It is getting in the way. 

Tomorrow will be better.  The poofy feeling that comes with the injections will be calmer, hopefully this headache will fade and the greatest disruption to my world will be the fact that my beautiful sewing machine is throwing a temper tantrum.  She's not even 20 yet, she cannot be having issues.  

Where ever you are look for  joy and happiness.  And if like me today and it feels out of reach, go out into nature with a cup of tea (or wine - wine is always good) and just observe "you should sit outside in nature for 20 minutes, unless you are busy and then you should sit for an hour." - this is credited to many and some say sit in meditation.  I say just do it...