thinking...

I'm running a bit behind today, well... maybe not running behind, but starting my normal routine a bit later than usual.  I had to run an errand this morning to the old neighborhood.  The area where Hubs and I began our fairytale.  I don't go that direction much, it's not my favorite area.  I don't know why, it simply never has been.  Since I was over there anyhow, I decided to drive past a few of the old places, to walk down memory lane so to speak.  

I wasn't in a hurry and I'd decided since I was in the neighborhood, I was going to pick up a batch of fresh corn from the farm we always bought from.  It's sweet and fresh from the fields this morning.  As I headed that direction I drove past our old house, very happy to see that all of the beautiful trees we planted are thriving and providing a very shaded spot for the new owners.  They seem to be taking great care of it and it looked loved with the planters along the front porch and the bend still in the carport frame. It looked almost like it did when we lived there, almost.  

As the pups and I drove around I found myself a bit numb.  There was a few places expanding, okay, gas stations were expanding and at $4.99 a gallon I guess so.  But everything else was sad.  So many businesses were closed.  Sitting silent and vacant.  Huge buildings with even bigger parking lots simply abandoned.  The mall looks to be fairly deserted also, there was a time it was the cornerstone of that town.  I noticed that 2 huge fitness centers have forever closed their doors, leaving more gaping spaces.  

The roads were horrible, so much of it torn up and crumbling.  Most of the businesses I remember are gone.  Replaced by a combination of wig shops, vape shops and pawn shops, everywhere... also shops that had huge phone card signs in their windows - not really sure what those would be called. 

The movie theater is closed and a couple of hotels appeared to be closed also, or under questionable ownership.  Definitely weren't places that I would consider staying in and they were new when we lived there. A lot can change in eight years. 

The area was struggling to find itself when we left, but things were still open.  Now, it's a shell.  An extension of the next town over, that had also been left behind with the times. I simply don't understand it.

I hadn't really intended to write today.  My brain felt empty, my to do list long.  I didn't feel compelled to write.  I'm sure folks become weary of hearing about my gardens and hobbies. So today, I intended to simply run my early morning errands and spend the rest of the day working on the two quilts that I need to get done.  It's going to be super hot and being in the cold basement sounded like heaven. 

One of the reasons I don't go often is that it is 45 minutes each way, to me that seems like a long drive to a place I didn't really leave anything.  The only reason I ever lived there was because my sweet Hubs did.  Those are his roots, not mine.  In fact the only reason I still go there, is because I absolutely LOVE my bank and I like doing business with them.  I will not leave them as long as they are there, so occasionally, I have a long drive to make.  They are worth it.  

Driving through I started to question and wonder.  Will all of the towns start looking like that?  Even my current town is starting to have a few more places boarding up their shops, leaving the area.  They are closing for a variety of reasons.  No workers, no inventory, lack of customers... how many of these places only exemplify the state of our economy.  When the only places expanding are selling gas?

Where I currently live they are in the process of building an Aldi.  I am quite please about that, because it's one of my favorite places to shop.  Mostly out of nostalgia (it's German - I grew up in Germany), but also because it is a reasonable place to shop and I can often get things that remind me of Germany.  Yet as I was working on canning the plethora of blueberries my friend and I picked on Saturday I was listening to a program that started out with the statement that Aldi is closing stores across the country. Various reasons were given.  A few were simply located in neighborhoods that are not going to shop their venue.  I mean, lets be serious it's not considered high end.  But others, too many others, were talking about the need to close because they were being stolen from to a level that they simply couldn't afford to stay.  Some couldn't find employees to work. And some were a combination of location, theft and lack of employees. 

Reason number two broke my heart. I'm sorry, but I can't condone theft.  Even if you are starving, there are other ways.  If you haven't earned it, if it isn't yours, you shouldn't take it. It feels to me like more and more folks are wanting something for nothing nowadays.  They aren't wanting to be part of a solution, at least not in large metro areas where the give me mentality seems so much stronger. 

I've been spending a lot of time in smaller areas, more rural, areas where folks work for what they want and need.  And where they give each other helping hands, not the government doing the helping.  The mentality is so much different in those areas. The atmosphere and environment is so very, very different. 

I think we need to wake up.  Sooner as opposed to later.  The view in my old neighborhood, was shocking and hurtful.  I wonder if those still living there can actually see it, or if they have simply become accustomed to the view?

I know it will be a good long while before I go over there again.  I miss speaking with the ladies at the bank, the ones that remember details about you and your pups even if they only see you a couple times a year.  The ones that speak to you like a long lost family member, our little bank that belongs in the fictional Mayberry.  I do not miss the rest of it, not in the least. 

Our world is not in a good place.  Our world is suffering.  I can't even say just our country, state, town or community.  It's global.  Are you paying attention?  I'm starting to feel more and more drawn into myself, my family, and my tribe. I feel too many times like the bell ringer on the corner saying be ready to people that cannot and will not heed the warnings.  We each have our own journeys to walk, our own reasons for being here.  I hate when people suffer, I don't want to see anyone suffer.  

I might not be the old bell ringer, but I am definitely becoming the crazy old lady down the road that keeps to herself and talks to her plants.  And works in her garden. Don't mind me... I'm just walking my path in this life... 

love and peace...

doing the work...

Roaring fire in the fireplace, hot coffee in my cup.  Perfect way to start this wonderful day! My sweet Hubs had both ready for me when I came down the stairs this morning.  I am truly blessed!

As I was sitting here in the darkness soaking up the peace and beauty I find that I myself drawn to a fire more and more. It feels so pure, so cleansing, The energy is renewing and powerful for me.  I am loving this time of life.  

Today is a powerful day, not because it's Halloween, as we have been commercialized to celebrate it. I am moving more and more away from the commercialization of holidays and digging deeper into what the day actually is meant to celebrate and acknowledge.  In many cultures and religions today has nothing to do with candy and costumes.  It has everything to do with celebrating ancestors, paying respects and ending a cycle.  Astrologically today also ends a cycle.  At one point in time today was the end of the year. It is simply a powerful time. 

As I was sitting here in the dark silence I was thinking about my loved ones that have crossed over.  I felt calm and peaceful. I really believe that we are the sum of all those that have come before they contribute to who we are today.  Some of that is positive, some of the experiences were negative.  All of the experiences and knowledge shaped me in some way. 

Sitting still, reflecting and honoring my loved ones today it occurred to me that even those experiences that at the time appeared negative were actually lessons.  Not a single one of us is perfect, although... if you were to listen to some of the people around today you might believe otherwise, and some of those things in hindsight created a stronger need to do things differently in me today.  

I do not parent like my parents did, and I am sure they didn't parent like their parents did.  My daughter is completely different from me as a parent.  Yet watching her interact with all of her babies yesterday, I know that she is raising them to be incredible humans that love and value other people.  We all make mistakes, we all have moments that we are not the best we can be, we aren't here because we are perfect.  We are here to learn is my belief. 

The youngest is so much like her mother was in personality when she was that age.  Watching her yesterday, proudly marching in the parade, but refusing to go up and say trick or treat to anyone, not engaging with the other kids, it was like looking through a looking glass into the past.  I held her hand and led her up to each table she wanted to approach, let her use my confidence where her own was lacking, something I wish I had been strong enough to do when her mom was the same way.  I was too young then, I hadn't grown enough as a person myself, instead I had been frustrated and overwhelmed with her actions, I didn't understand.  I was thankful to be able to do it for the little one, to finally be at the place in my journey that I could be her strength. 

Yesterday, with all the kiddo's it was easy to see the growth and changes.  I am so very proud of them.  Life hasn't been kind to them, 3 of them lost their dad super young, although I am sure that he is on the other side of the veil beaming with pride, not just today but everyday.  They know that Mom always has their backs as they make this journey, they are finding their way. My heart was simply overflowing. 

I often ponder the negative experiences, I can't remember most of them, to my way of thinking that must mean that I already learned the lesson they were trying to teach me. The ones I can remember, I feel like I haven't quite figured out yet.  There are very few and the older I get there seem to be fewer, I feel blessed. It doesn't stop me from trying to understand the ones that are still in my face.  And there are a few, I will keep working to unravel them, to understand the lessons before me, to make sense of it all. 

I am not the person I was and I know that each morning I am not the person I was the day before.  We are all evolving, learning and growing.  I try to give grace to everyone, I try to understand their point of view and the reasons behind it.  I will admit there are days that I feel... dang you can't fix stupid... because some of what I witness is so frustrating and hurtful to others.  Then I remember it isn't my job to fix stupid, it is their job to learn and grow.  My job is to learn and grow.  I sometimes reflect back on who I was just a couple of decades ago, and I don't recognize her.  Sometimes I feel I am still that lost little girl that my daughter was for a time and that my grand-daughter is becoming for her small bit of time, then I remember all the changes and she fades away. 

I feel there are times that my grandmothers flow through my veins, even my great grandmother (at least the one I knew).  When I am cooking slowly for my family or creating things that I simply seem to know... I was never taught these things, they are simply there.  They seem to simply be a part of my story, of who I am and where I am going in this life. Yet I am still grateful for what they have given me. 

My father taught me many things, he shaped a great deal of who I am.  Some good, some bad, all with love.  When my stubbornness peeks through and I won't back down from something, I know it is his love and his stubbornness that I am feeling. From him, I learned to simply keep trying.  Because my wonderful imperfect Dad did just that.  He always kept trying, he was forever shooting for the stars - you never know you might land on the moon if you do!  He was the pusher, the one that didn't want any of us to accept who or what we were, because he knew there was greater in us.  Did he always do it kindly?  Nope, but I don't believe we would have listened if he had.  Even though on the surface there were times you felt he was withholding love and emotion, if you stayed the course and really focused you knew that he never withheld it, it was always there.  

Today I am going to spend the time in nature, I'm going to honor those on the other side of the veil and ask them what I can learn yet from them... Today is about respecting the past and letting it go, so that I can move fully into the bright future that lay ahead. 

The less attached I am to the world that has been created and structured for us to participate in, the more I understand the world is changing.  That attachments are breaking and reforming. I love these changes, they are filled with love and power... we simply need to grasp them in our hands and treasure what is there...

love and peace...